The Lapse Ideal

This programme contains some strong language.

Hi there, neighbour.

Why is it some days all the folk you see out on t' street are so ugly?

I've been walking in a winter munterland.

You and your stylist must've been mortified.

So it's all change, eh?

-What's all change?

-You and Jenny.

Me and Jenny aren't all change.

What, even though you've dumped her?

I haven't dumped her.

You did, you dumped her last night.

I didn't dump her.

You did. She told me you dumped her.

Moz is dead to me now.

I just want you...

to poke my brains out.

Roger that. (SHE GIGGLES)

I didn't dump her. It were a misunderstanding.

She only thought that I'd dumped her. It's all sorted now.

Me and Jenny are as solid as a weight of rocky.

But...

Oh.

Are you welling up?

No.

Right. Cos what I thought would be really good is...

You are welling up.

Allergies.

-Since when did you have allergies?

-Oh, I've got lots of allergies.

Such as?

Wheat...

s-s-spiders.

So, potentially, a tarantula sandwich could kill you?

Or a...baguette that spins webs.

Hey, just think. Living right next door to each other

is gonna be great, innit?

See you, Gwyneth.

(STIFLES A SOB)

Hi-hi.

Ah, Cadfael and Son.

This is Brother Ben.

This has got to be fancy dress.

Mine is. He's genuine monk. I'm just keeping him company.

I'n't he scrummy?

Are you allowed to have...

bum sex?

Today's Church has really broadened out.

I bet it's not the only one. Come in.

Ooh, I think I left my hat here... Oh, here we are.

So...all change, then.

-Eh?

-You and Jenny. All change.

Me and Jenny are all the same.

Well...she said you'd dumped her, from a great height,

then you'd laughed and laughed.

That were all a misunderstanding.

Look, Jen's the best thing that's come into my life since...

that Predator box set.

I saw what she were like.

Very flirtatious.

Well, she were wasting her time wi' you, weren't she?

Like flirting with a cactus.

-There were others here.

-Who?

I've said too much. I should go.

Hey! Don't get all Bette Davis on me arse!

Brian, are you being serious, or are you just stirring?

If you stir for long enough,

summat'll always float to t' surface.

Has he taken a vow of silence?

No, he's just in a bit of a mood.

All right, go on, then. Who was here?

Clooney? Pitt?

Winton?

Colin, Carmel and Gene Hunt from next door.

Oh, well, that's all right, then. There you go. For a minute I...

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

All right, Colin?

Yeah. So...it's all change, then?

No! It's not all change!

Oooh. Soz. Just thought you'd chucked Jenny.

I'll chuck you downstairs if you don't shut your spud grinder!

We'd best be off.

-Don't do anyone I wouldn't do.

-Farewell, Saint Brian.

Come on.

Monks!

(PIPE GURGLES)

Perhaps you could tell me what happened last night.

Well, we had about five or seven vodkas.

Then Jen did a lecture about how men, in general, are bastards,

and how you, specifically, are a big bastard.

-She didn't mean it.

-She sounded like she meant it.

She didn't. She...temporarily believed we didn't have a future,

but that's all in t' past.

Anyway, I wanted to ask you if you saw anything...

untoward.

Untoward what?

-Do you think Jenny and PC...

-(LIGHTER CLICKS)

-you know...

-(PIPE GURGLES)

did the Funky Gibbon?

What?

Oh, bloody hell!

Oh, no... I dunno. I mean...

all I can say for sure is that they didn't have a shag

whilst I was in the room.

I'm not suggesting they put on a bloody floor show for you!

All right, soz. Listen, I'll go for a slash.

(SIGHS) (FRONT DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Hiya, Moz.

You all right? I'm all right.

I'm not sure.

What's the matter?

What happened last night, Jen, when I was out?

Last night?

Brian seemed to be suggesting...

Well, what I mean is, he was under the impression that...

that he thought there was a possibility...

Did you shag PC Plonker? Yes or no?

Yes.

I mean no!

Shit.

I said yes first, didn't I?

Yes.

I thought you loved me.

I do love you...

again...now. But...

last night I thought you'd dumped us.

And it upset you so much that, within minutes, you slept with someone else?

I was trying to keep a positive attitude.

It wasn't his fault.

I had to talk him into it.

I can't begin to tell you just how much better that makes me feel(!)

Don't get sad.

You've slept with two other men this week.

It's not the most uplifting news.

Moz, they were...

misunderstanding shags.

"Misunderstanding shags"?

Yeah. The first one that I slept with was because

I thought it was you.

And then the second one was because I thought you'd finished with us.

And what's your excuse gonna be for the next one?

-"I thought he were a ghost"?

-Will you stop picking on me now?

I've just bought you some special gingerbread.

I've got a good mind not to give it to you now.

I couldn't care less about bloody gingerbread!

(FRONT DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS)

-(TOILET FLUSHES)

-Er...

-Did I hear Jen's voice?

-Yeah. She's just...

gone out again.

Oh. Hey! Right, now,

check these out.

Gingerbread love hearts.

Loads of different messages, all of them sincere. Two for a fiver!

Five for a two-er?

'And now we can use our eight slices of pepper as the spider's legs,

'because spiders have eight legs.

'Count with me.'

'One, two,

'three, four.

'And on this side...'

(PHONE BUTTONS BEEP)

All right, Nicki?

It's me and Cartoon Head. We're outside.

'Outside where?'

Outside the flat.

You said to come round at ten past five.

'I said to come round at five past ten.'

So...you're not gonna let us in, then?

'I'm not there. I'm still on the train from Cardiff.

'Come back later, when I told you.'

(LINE GOES DEAD)

Right, then.

We'll come back at five past ten.

And you'd better be in.

You dizzy bitch!

(BEEP)

That told her.

Come on.

Tania.

Psycho Paul.

I'll be down in a minute, CH.

I want us back together again.

No.

I love you.

Please.

-No.

-Please.

I'll, er... I'll do that thing for you that you like me doing.

I've gone off it.

I just want everything back how it was.

It's too late for that, Tania.

I've...

...met somebody else.

(WHIMPERS)

It's Bev, innit?

-You got off with Bev, didn't you?

-No.

-Is it Martine?

-No. Look...

It's German Barbara.

Eeeuw! It's not German Barbara.

Of course. It's Amanda with the weird eyes!

I saw her looking at you in a funny way.

No!

It doesn't matter who it is.

What matters is that you and me are finished.

But we could go to Relate.

Psycho Paul doesn't do Relate.

You're the only man that I've ever really loved.

Cheers.

Me and CH have got to go to Cheetham Hill to pick up three lungs.

See you, Tania.

All right, son? Are you still up for Grand Theft Heifer?

-What?

-The Great Beef Robbery.

Come on, kiddo, our Troy's getting psyched up.

-(SIGHS)

-I wouldn't want to miss that(!)

# When will

# I learn

# To survive...? #

-(GUN CLICKS)

-Who's up for a robbery?

Me, that's who! Me with a gun!

I want you to use this mobile.

Then afterwards, we can throw it away.

Now, are you clear on your part of the operation?

(CLICKS HEELS)

-Yes, sir. All clear, sir.

-All right, clever Dick, tell me.

You are going to that warehouse down there

to steal two trucks of frozen beef with Lord Voldemort.

Meanwhile, I'll keep in constant touch,

via this moby,

and keep watch through these binoculars, or lookie-throughs.

You let us know if you see anything suspish, yeah?

Right, let's synchronise watches.

BOTH: I'm not wearing a watch.

What? How come?

BOTH: Don't need one.

You don't need one?

I've raised a right pair of wasters, haven't I?

You didn't raise us. You walked out on us.

-Mum raised us.

-Yeah.

We got by on our own, without dads or watches.

Well, there's no point me synchronising me own watch.

You could synchronise with t' microwave.

Should I just tell you what time it is now?

If you want. Won't mean anything to me, like.

-It's nearly ten past six.

-I'm all right with that if you are.

OK. Well, wish us luck, kiddo.

Luck? We don't need luck.

I think you do. Good luck.

I'll phone you when we're in position.

(PHONE RINGS)

-Hello?

-'All right, kiddo?

'We're just outside the yard. What can you see?'

Nothing. I'm holding the phone

and I need both hands to lift up your massive binoculars.

'What? You didn't bring your hands-free set?'

-No.

-'Oh, for God's sake, Moz!'

Oh, pardon me for not being an 'ardened criminal!

Hang on!

They're coming! Get inside!

This is the last stupid thing I will ever do.

'Get down, now! This replica gun ain't just a replica, you know!'

-Oh, very smart(!)

-(PHONE CLATTERS)

Shit!

Where's the bloody battery?!

I do not need a high Krypton Factor right now!

"PIN". What PIN?

I have no PIN!

They've gone.

They've gone! Is...?

Is that good?

(RINGING)

(BEEP)

-Troy. Where are you?

-'We're in the lorries, bro!'

'We did it! We fuckin' did it!'

-'This drivin' lark's a piece of piss!'

-(YELP)

'Oh, just hit another dog. Better go.'

You all right, Tilly? How's the shop?

Sold many stains today?

I did, I sold a pair of white jeans with an incontinence print.

They do sound like a must-have.

Yeah.

-You like drugs, right?

-Oh, yeah.

To be honest, reality just doesn't hold my attention.

Great. Cos I have something to show you.

-What's that?

-N-Kroach. It's a legal high.

Don't waste your time.

Legal highs never work. It's an impossibility.

It's like trying to have platonic sex.

This works on me. It's a hallucinogen,

but the effects only last a few minutes.

Just what we need - blink-and-you'll-miss-it drugs(!)

This is pretty potent stuff.

It's made from powdered Amazonian cockroach abdomen.

I've tried loads of legal highs, and none of them's had any effect.

I firmly believe, if you can't get arrested for it,

you should leave it well alone.

This stuff is going to blow your brains out.

Yeah, well, I confidently predict

my brains are going to stay tucked inside my skull.

-(SLURRED AND ECHOEY)

-I think I might be getting something off this.

See, Mr Smoked It All Before?

(MOZ SNEEZES)

Let's not split up the old gang.

Moz!

Moz!

Moz! Yeah?

(GRUNTS)

Oh. Oh, God! Soz.

I'm impressed.

What? That you can almost fit a whole conch shell in your mouth?

No, with...what's it's name...

Ben-Dover?

N-Kroach. I told you.

Who'd have thought you could have so much fun with roach abdomen?

Oh, did you remember to do that thing for me?

What thing?

You were gonna give me a sperm sample for my Subversive Stain project.

Oh, yeah. Soz, Tilly, it went completely out of my mind.

Bit like I just did there.

If you'd rather not...

-No, I'd love to.

-You sure?

I never pull out.

OK. You don't need me to help?

No.

OK, well, if you wanna slip into the bathroom and get to it,

I'm gonna go check my e-mails.

This is the last stupid thing I will ever do.

-(WHISPERS)

-Come on. Don't just lie there.

Yes, kiddo!

(DOOR OPENS)

You in, Keith?

Yes, kitten. Troy's here as well.

Oh, hello, Troy. How are ya?

Gold top, ta, Carol.

(WHISPERS) Not a word.

-What you up to, lads?

-Nowt. Nowt.

You having a beer?

I can smell beer.

Yeah. We're just having a few beers.

-What you celebrating?

-We're not celebrating. We're just...

-having a few beers.

-I can smell champagne, as well.

Yeah. We're having a few beers and a few champagnes.

Why?

Er...I won a bit of money on the horses.

Oh. Congratulations, Troy. How much did you win?

-A few grand, as it goes, Carol.

-Oh. Well done, Troy.

What was the horse's name?

-The horse?

-What was the horse's name, Troy?

The horse's name...was...

...Big Winner.

That is a lucky name, is that. I can see why you betted on it now.

Here y'are. Let me pour you a glass of bubbly, kitten.

I can smell frozen beef, too.

(MOANING)

Ah! A-a-a-ah!

-(WHISPERS)

-It's too thick.

There you go. Nowt semi-skimmed about that.

-Wow! That's quite a lot.

-I was only thinking of you.

I mean...I was thinking you'd probably prefer a big load.

I-I-I mean a lot...

more to work with.

So you can predetermine how much you're going to produce?

Yeah. Waste not, want not.

I'm impressed. Do you have a lower and an upper limit?

-I... Yeah. Yeah.

-Interesting. What's your upper limit?

(ENTRY PHONE BUZZES)

Excuse me.

(BUZZING)

-Warren!

-Tilly, hi.

Oh, and you're wearing one of my Subversive Stains.

-I have had so many comments.

-This is Moz. We're neighbours.

-We've met.

-Oh!

So do you know about his gallery - The Forever Machine?

You have to come down, Moz.

We're showing this exhibition by Clive Newman -

the guy who cling-filmed a farm.

And it looks like they're gonna let him put

a 100ft yoghurt in Trafalgar Square.

No other artist can make yoghurt speak the way he can.

He sounds like a total talent.

Well, now he's produced this amazing exhibition

of photographs of his camera.

He hasn't!

-He has.

-I've been eight times.

It'll really chime with you, Moz.

Are you sure? I'm not easily chimed.

It's very evocative.

Evocative of what?

Photographs, cameras, exhibitions, perception, imperfection.

-Erection, ejection, collection?

-Exactly.

It's pretty fucking real.

Yeah, well, any man who can cling-film an entire farm

can't be an idiot.

Let me know how you get on with t' primal cream.

Ah, thanks, Moz. I owe you one.

Oh, babes. Good night.

See you down the exhibition.

We can go to the cafe for a guarana-ccino.

I am so there, girlfriend.

All right, Nicks? Been anywhere nice?

Cardiff. My dad had a heart attack.

Shit! Is he OK now?

It was only a dinky one. He's coming out of hospital on Friday.

-It's what the nurses wanted.

-Aw.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

Thanks.

Poor Mervyn.

I'm surprised you can remember his name.

Yeah, course I do. He's a lovely bloke.

I mean, obviously, I can only understand

about every fifth word he says,

and he could do to comb the crisps out of his beard once in a while.

Coffee, biccy and a biftah?

So where's Baby Sanjeev?

I've left him in Cardiff for a bit with my mum.

That'll teach him.

Nice poster.

So where exactly is the plodster?

Working nights at Manchester Airport.

Confiscating folk's toothpaste.

So...

...how are things between you two?

What do you mean?

Well, are you...

solid?

How do you define "solid"?

Do we finish each other's sentences?

Am I wearing his underpants?

Can he remember my dad's name?

Is he faithful to you?

If you can't trust a policeman...

Are you sure?

Where's this going?

I don't ask if you and Jen are faithful to each other.

Are you trying to seduce me?

Definitely not.

-(ECHOEY)

-You've still got it, Nicki.

Whoa, flashback.

What?

Flashback - the gift that keeps on giving.

I don't know about this.

I don't want anybody to get hurt.

Everybody's already hurt.

This just makes us feel a bit better.

JENNY: 'I do love you.

'I thought it was you.

'Misunderstanding shags. I thought you'd finished with us.'

This is the last stupid thing I will ever do.

The future of allotment is uncertain.

We're going to play it cool on this one. There's no doing owt

to draw attention to ourselves, all right?

Bad boys are so cute.

They call me... Whyah!

...the Love Ninja.

-So do you know who the Jonah was?

-Bloke called Fist.

Gun crime's on the increase. You don't want to miss out.

-Somebody call an ambulance!

-This is great.

You're not going to rape me, are you?

Because that's just not my sort of thing.