The Accident Ideal

9,600, 9,700, 9,800, 9,900...

10,000.

It's all yours, kiddo.

Just like that?

Yeah, we did the robbery, but you did the looking out.

So we're splitting it three ways, 50, 50...50.

Are these notes definitely unmarked?

No. They've got a picture of t'Queen on them.

Now listen, we've got to play it cool on this one.

No doing owt to draw attention to ourselves. All right?

I'm going to buy myself a nice, big blue Merc.

What are you two going to spend yours on?

Do you know, I've always enjoyed goin' on benders.

So I reckon I'm going to use the money to go on a king-sized bender.

Well, obviously I can't compete with a game plan of such intricacy.

I'm going to buy myself some sensible stuff.

You know, a microwave that doesn't set fire to my food,

a fridge freezer, some clothes.

And a lump of black big enough for the brain of a bison.

Do you know, I've put aside a £20 note

just for lighting cigs with.

Y'know, to look cool and impress people and that.

-Oh, what a good idea.

-No, it isn't!

Have you become a complete mentaloid?

Yeah. A minted mentaloid.

When you're rich, it's called eccentric.

Well, I'm impressed(!)

Hurry up, come on.

Yeah, cos we wouldn't want to be wasteful, would we(?)

KEYPAD BEEPS

RING TONE

-'What do you want?'

-Listen, Jen,

I really think we need to talk.

'Well, maybe some of us don't wanna go all talky-talky.

'What is your problem?'

I'm upset with you because you slept with two other men!

'And I'm upset with you cos you won't let me start lap dancing.'

Well, clearly you've got the moral high ground(!)

Look, Jen, I've got ten grand.

You don't need to work down Sex-A-Rama.

'Need is as need does.'

What?!

Jen, listen, this isn't the kind of conversation

we can have down the phone.

'OK, well, phone me back later, then. Bye.'

KNOCKING

Ah, Hale and Pace.

Hi-hi.

Moz, this is Blackball.

Great to meet you, mate.

Ah, ain't he scrummy?

I'll give you a game of pool sometime.

He don't know how to play pool.

What, is it just snooker, is it?

He don't know how to play snooker.

What's in the case, then?

A king-size Twiglet?

It's his cue. Shall we show him your cue?

Jesus!

Is that a lead snooker cue?

It's great, innit? That cue is his schtick.

But what sort of person carries around lead sporting equipment?

He's a henchman.

Aren't you?

I ain't saying.

He is.

Oh, right.

So when you're out and about henchin',

do you ever, like,

you know, ever get asked to rub someone out?

Or is rubbin' a separate skill to henchin'?

-He's not your actual killer, are you?

-I ain't saying.

He's not. He just does threats and mild damage. Bits and bobs.

I imagine you could do some extensive mild damage

to people's bits and bobs with that.

So where's Jenny?

At her mam's.

As in, "I'll be at me mam's till you sort yourself out"?

Pretty much.

Look, Brian...

if I tell you something, do you promise you won't tell anybody else?

HE CHUCKLES Yeah.

And what about you?

I ain't saying.

Good. Well, as I think you've already guessed,

the other night, Jenny ended up

accidentally bedding down with t'sleeping police.

Frankly, I don't know why she bothered.

The word on the grapevine is he's a bit of a Jar Jar Binks in the bedroom.

Whereas they call me - whah! - the Love Ninja.

Anyway, we had a barney, she stropped off round her mam's,

end of story.

Until...I got mashed...

..and slept wi' Nicki.

God.

This is great.

It's a total disaster!

Yeah, but it's one of them stories, you won't even have to exaggerate.

Brian! You're not going to be telling folk!

Honestly, our lips are stapled. Aren't they?

I ain't saying.

Oh, shit! Oh...!

Oh...

What? Phoof!

KNOCKING

Afternoon, lads.

And what can I do for you?

It's more a case of what we can do...to you.

MUSIC "Positron" by La Momo

RIP

Oh, what have you done to me Chinook?

Keith? Are you in the mood to watch Jeremy Kyle?

KEITH MUMBLES

Methink you doth protest too much.

My liege.

Ah, Rainbow.

I've brought your prize.

My prize?!

You won the raffle. Well, you won 7th prize.

A month's supply of popcorn and Crown Prince Bear.

Yeah, well, I think he might just take us

over the maximum occupancy level.

Do you want him?

I've already got two and I don't really like them.

APPLAUSE ON TV

-CRUNCH AND BUZZ

-What did you do that for?

I wanted to find out if it was incest or just high spirits.

Jeremy Kyle is an emotional locust,

who devours the misfortune of others!

Well, it's a point of vie...

You're not Keith!

Help! Keith! Oh...

Ssh. Keith cannot help you.

Oh, please, don't tell me you've killed Keith.

We were going to Morecambe on Sunday.

He is quite safe,

just a few feet away from you, bound and gagged.

-But is he comfy?

-There is nothing to worry about

as long as you do exactly as you are told.

You're not going to rape me, are you?

Because that's just not my sort of thing.

You're perfectly safe.

Smashing.

(I'm going for a slash. If she gets any more irritating, kill her.)

I think you should go and confront Jenny

and just completely spill your guts everywhere.

With respect, Rainbow,

I'm not sure if I should be taking relationship advice from you.

Let's face it,

some World War I battles were mellower than your love life.

My new guy's very different - solid, dependable...sensitive.

Do I know him?

Psycho Paul?

Psycho Paul?!

(GIGGLES) I know!

Do you? Do you really?

Cos I know. I-I've seen him in action...

human trafficking, pornography, kidnapping.

I've seen him gouge a man's eyeball out with a spoon!

Bad boys are so cute.

He is not cute.

You haven't seen his bum.

I don't need to see a man's backside

to know whether or not he's a threat to society.

The thing is, he makes other men just seem so...

normal?

I noticed that.

So what happened with Psycho Paul and Tania?

Oh, he said they were just too different.

Anyway, I don't really call him that name. I call him Double P.

Double P?! You can't rebrand Psycho Paul!

I can definitely change him.

-No.

-Definitely!

He'll be like putty in my hands.

Putty that's set. Tell me, have you tried changing men before?

Talvin. When we first met, all he was into was nosebleed techno.

Within two weeks...

I had him listening to Joss Stone.

-Wow. You take no prisoners.

-Then Marvin,

I managed to stop him playing football with his mates every Sunday.

Yet you still fell out.

We've actually ended up with more room than we had next door.

So are you still on for the house-warming party?

Definitely. I've been seeing those all over town.

Yeah. Really pleased for her.

We are thinking we need more space, Nicki.

Yeah, cos we've got a bit of news.

I'm pregnant, with very, very small, small baby.

-Aw. Congratulations.

-Thank you. Thank you, Nicki.

Aw, congratulations. I know you'd been trying for a while.

Yeah, but it turned out I had rubbish sperm.

SHE GIGGLES

Seriously. They all had bent tails.

Did they? I'm sorry about that.

So we use imported sperm cells.

A donor? Really?

Wow.

So are you sure you're ready for parenthood

in all of its stifling joy?

To be mother is to be everything to someone.

I reckon I'm ready for parenthood.

After all, I've spent years raising prize vegetables.

Still, you won't be able

to get down the allotment so much now, though, eh?

What? What d'you mean?

Well, I'm just saying, you know, babies,

they tend to soak up a lot of your spare time.

You won't be able to get down the allotment as much.

No, I will. I will, won't I?

The future of allotment is uncertain.

Well, I mean, you say uncertain, but we can't be sure.

We have much to discuss.

So, do you know who the donor was?

Yes. We wanted to give best start in life to the baby,

so we choose very carefully. He is good friend.

More a friend of Kim and Miko, really.

Funnily enough, this used to be his flat. Bloke called Fist.

Fist?

Well, good luck with Jenny.

Hope you CAN sort it out.

Good luck with Psycho Paul.

And I hope he don't sort YOU out.

Honestly, Paul's got hidden depths.

Yeah, I think he buried some dead bodies there.

The ones he couldn't sell.

MOBILE RINGS

See ya.

RINGING CONTINUES

Hello?

'This is just a courtesy call to let you know

'that the Low Triad have kidnapped your father.'

You're not serious?!

'We are holding him and his irritating girlfriend.'

Yeah, she is prone to vex.

But why have you kidnapped 'em?

Is it for Children In Need?

'He interfered with our meat.

'That cannot be tolerated.

'I presume you want to see your father alive again.'

Yeah, probably.

'Then you had better pay the ransom.'

All right, as long as we're not talking silly money.

'All you need is £30,000.'

30,000?! I could buy myself a state-of-the-art dad for that!

'I will call again with your instructions.'

Look, where've you stashed them, you bastards?

Somewhere you will never, ever find them.

Now, we may be here for some time.

So why don't we all just relax?

Would it be all right if I phoned the police?

Just to let them know what's going on?

MOBILE RINGS

Hi, love.

'I thought you were going to call me back.'

I was... Look, Jen, it...

Me dad's been kidnapped.

'Oh, there's always some excuse, isn't there?'

I'm serious. It...

KEYPAD BEEPS

Come on.

-'Hiya...'

-Jen, I love you and I...

'..Your call is very important to me,

'so ring me back some other time, or leave a mess after the tone.'

Jen, it's me.

-And it'll always be me because I...

-BLEEPING

Oh, for f...!

Where's me bloody charger?

You are so stupid that it makes you think you are clever.

HE MUMBLES

Wh- What have I done?!

You stole two trucks of beef from Anderton Cold Storage.

Keith, is this true?

Course it isn't.

Anderton warehouse is under the protection of the Low Triad.

Well, what makes you think I did it?

Your face was all over the security cameras.

Cameras!

HE TUTS Of course.

That's how I got caught on me last two jobs.

Oh, Keith,

we just don't need that much beef.

And...'ow much they asking?

30 grand.

Phew! That's a bit pricey.

They throwing his girlfriend in for that?

-Yeah.

-Can you not get 'em to throw anybody else in?

Like who? I'm not short of people!

I just don't wanna hand over 30 grand

for the privilege of keeping me worthless dad alive.

On the other hand...

just letting them kill him...

you know, is probably a bit of a karmic no-no.

I suppose we could find out where they're keeping him,

launch a lightning raid and snatch your dad back.

Could we?

Well, not me personally.

I might need a little kip before we do any raiding.

Is it possible?

It's not impossible. Whether it's possible is another matter.

I suppose we do need to teach the triad a lesson,

coming right into our territory like that.

If push comes to thrust, who do you think we could depend on?

Cartoon Head, definitely.

Um...Flu Strength Darren.

Maybe. Hang on...

Mad Andrew?

Maybe.

Baz the Elbow.

Maybe.

Oh...

Bond Villain!

Maybe.

Which Bond villain?

That's his name...

Bond Villain.

Brute 33.

HE SUCKS HIS TEETH

Maybe.

Terry Christian, definitely.

What, THE Terry Christian?

No.

Just got the same name.

He's well vicious.

Got a lot of anger and resentment.

About being called Terry Christian?

Yeah.

I could ask the Denton Posse.

Great. How many of them are there?

Just one.

One person does not a posse make.

He's a big bloke, blud.

He's about ten times your size.

What's he gonna do? Eat the triad?!

-I'm gonna ask Murderizer.

-Murderizer's soft as shit.

So why's he called Murderizer?

Cos he keeps getting murdered.

Does anybody know anyone who might be of any help whatsoever?

How about Violence Generator?

-Nah, Violence Generator's settled down.

-Really?

She's a wedding planner these days.

All right, Jude Law?

-Are they loaded?

-Nah, course not.

We've got some silencers, an' all.

Ooh! I didn't know silencers really existed.

Course they do.

Don't need one. Ain't got a gun.

I got you a gun, an' all.

There you go, Morris. Pop it in your handbag.

I don't want it!

Come on. Gun crime's on the increase. You don't want to miss out.

Yes, I do.

Anyway, I can barely get me finger round t'trigger.

This thing's microscopic.

-Baby's first gun!

-THEY CHUCKLE

It's true, blud. That ain't going to do the triad no damage.

Unless they've got a cat or a puppy.

CHUCKLING

I'll swap you it for this. I calls it The Edge.

I tell you, blud, it's a joy to swing.

I'm doing no shooting

and no swinging.

What, so you're just gonna go into the triad attack

bare-knuckle fighting?

Wow! That is impressively postal.

No, I...I hadn't imagined I'd be that hands-on in the actual raid.

I thought I'd be playing more of a... Brian Wilson role.

Oh, I get it. So we all risk our lives for your dad...

and you stay at home and sit on your sofa, jerkin' your gherkin.

-Is that it?

-No. I...

I thought I'd be back at HQ. Y'know, manning the phones.

Then afterwards, I'll take you all out for a big meal.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't you come along on the attack and I'll take meself out?

Bastard!

You said it wasn't loaded!

Shit.

-Steve, sit down.

-No!

He said it wasn't loaded.

So? We all make mistakes. I mean, look at you.

You shot yourself. HE CHUCKLES

-Steve, sit down!

-I'm too angry to sit down!

I'm too angry for popcorn!

Please, sit down.

Take the weight off your wound.

No, I'd best not. They say you shouldn't move them.

You need to stem the flow of blood, blud.

MOBILE BEEPS

No power.

Somebody call an ambulance!

I can't get a signal.

I'll do it. I'll do it.

-MOBILE BEEPS

-My battery's dead and all.

I clearly said, "Are they loaded?" And you said, "No."

Shut it, Makka Pakka!

Xavier, use the land line in the hallway.

Tell them to send the best ambulance they've got.

Sure, blud.

Get a move on! It's an emergency, not a fashion show!

It ain't here, blud.

What d'you mean it ain't there?!

Your base unit's here but that's all.

Look in t'kitchen!

I ain't seein' it, blud.

Keep lookin'!

Just search everywhere!

Why didn't you actually check if it was loaded or not?

Why didn't you check, if it's so important to you?

Lean out the window.

What?!

To get a mobile signal.

It always works for me. You've just got to lean really far out.

Let Cartoon Head hold onto your ankles.

Not until he apologises.

Me apologise?! You apologise.

Psycho Paul doesn't apologise.

Yeah? Well, neither does Stevel Knievel.

Suits me.

Steve?

Bye, then.

CLICK

CLICK

It isn't loaded. Your bullet must've been in the chamber.

Steve, please sit down, this popcorn's getting really heavy.

Maybe I will sit down.

-Come on.

-Just to be on the safe side.

Hey! Hey, CH.

I know you killed me brother.

I'll tell you one thing.

You didn't kill me.

I killed me.

I did it.

I'll tell you another thing...

..and I want you to remember this...

You two...

..are both...

..total cu...

# I won't be there any more

# I won't be there any more

# I won't be there any more

# I won't be there any more

# I won't be there any more

# I won't be there any more

# I won't be there any more... #

BOTH: All right, our kid?

# I won't be there any more... #

Bloody hell...

Found it.

It were under your teddy.

Too late.

He's already gone ex-directory.

Are you having an affair?

How about you, are you having an affair?

That makes me so angry.

I believe you have some merch.

We have got a lot of guns.

Do you really?

How much did you pay for that?

Hey, good luck with getting your dad back.

I feel like the world's been turned upside down.

It is at your door.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]