The Accident Ideal


The Accident

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LineFromTo

9,600, 9,700, 9,800, 9,900...

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10,000.

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It's all yours, kiddo.

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Just like that?

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Yeah, we did the robbery, but you did the looking out.

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So we're splitting it three ways, 50, 50...50.

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Are these notes definitely unmarked?

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No. They've got a picture of t'Queen on them.

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Now listen, we've got to play it cool on this one.

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No doing owt to draw attention to ourselves. All right?

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I'm going to buy myself a nice, big blue Merc.

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What are you two going to spend yours on?

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Do you know, I've always enjoyed goin' on benders.

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So I reckon I'm going to use the money to go on a king-sized bender.

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Well, obviously I can't compete with a game plan of such intricacy.

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I'm going to buy myself some sensible stuff.

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You know, a microwave that doesn't set fire to my food,

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a fridge freezer, some clothes.

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And a lump of black big enough for the brain of a bison.

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Do you know, I've put aside a £20 note

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just for lighting cigs with.

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Y'know, to look cool and impress people and that.

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-Oh, what a good idea.

-No, it isn't!

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Have you become a complete mentaloid?

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Yeah. A minted mentaloid.

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When you're rich, it's called eccentric.

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Well, I'm impressed(!)

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Hurry up, come on.

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Yeah, cos we wouldn't want to be wasteful, would we(?)

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KEYPAD BEEPS

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RING TONE

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-'What do you want?'

-Listen, Jen,

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I really think we need to talk.

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'Well, maybe some of us don't wanna go all talky-talky.

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'What is your problem?'

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I'm upset with you because you slept with two other men!

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'And I'm upset with you cos you won't let me start lap dancing.'

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Well, clearly you've got the moral high ground(!)

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Look, Jen, I've got ten grand.

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You don't need to work down Sex-A-Rama.

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'Need is as need does.'

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What?!

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Jen, listen, this isn't the kind of conversation

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we can have down the phone.

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'OK, well, phone me back later, then. Bye.'

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KNOCKING

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Ah, Hale and Pace.

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Hi-hi.

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Moz, this is Blackball.

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Great to meet you, mate.

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Ah, ain't he scrummy?

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I'll give you a game of pool sometime.

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He don't know how to play pool.

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What, is it just snooker, is it?

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He don't know how to play snooker.

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What's in the case, then?

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A king-size Twiglet?

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It's his cue. Shall we show him your cue?

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Jesus!

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Is that a lead snooker cue?

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It's great, innit? That cue is his schtick.

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But what sort of person carries around lead sporting equipment?

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He's a henchman.

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Aren't you?

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I ain't saying.

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He is.

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Oh, right.

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So when you're out and about henchin',

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do you ever, like,

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you know, ever get asked to rub someone out?

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Or is rubbin' a separate skill to henchin'?

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-He's not your actual killer, are you?

-I ain't saying.

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He's not. He just does threats and mild damage. Bits and bobs.

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I imagine you could do some extensive mild damage

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to people's bits and bobs with that.

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So where's Jenny?

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At her mam's.

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As in, "I'll be at me mam's till you sort yourself out"?

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Pretty much.

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Look, Brian...

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if I tell you something, do you promise you won't tell anybody else?

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HE CHUCKLES Yeah.

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And what about you?

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I ain't saying.

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Good. Well, as I think you've already guessed,

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the other night, Jenny ended up

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accidentally bedding down with t'sleeping police.

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Frankly, I don't know why she bothered.

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The word on the grapevine is he's a bit of a Jar Jar Binks in the bedroom.

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Whereas they call me - whah! - the Love Ninja.

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Anyway, we had a barney, she stropped off round her mam's,

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end of story.

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Until...I got mashed...

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..and slept wi' Nicki.

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God.

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This is great.

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It's a total disaster!

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Yeah, but it's one of them stories, you won't even have to exaggerate.

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Brian! You're not going to be telling folk!

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Honestly, our lips are stapled. Aren't they?

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I ain't saying.

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Oh, shit! Oh...!

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Oh...

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What? Phoof!

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KNOCKING

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Afternoon, lads.

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And what can I do for you?

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It's more a case of what we can do...to you.

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MUSIC "Positron" by La Momo

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RIP

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Oh, what have you done to me Chinook?

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Keith? Are you in the mood to watch Jeremy Kyle?

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KEITH MUMBLES

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Methink you doth protest too much.

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My liege.

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Ah, Rainbow.

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I've brought your prize.

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My prize?!

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You won the raffle. Well, you won 7th prize.

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A month's supply of popcorn and Crown Prince Bear.

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Yeah, well, I think he might just take us

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over the maximum occupancy level.

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Do you want him?

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I've already got two and I don't really like them.

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APPLAUSE ON TV

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-CRUNCH AND BUZZ

-What did you do that for?

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I wanted to find out if it was incest or just high spirits.

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Jeremy Kyle is an emotional locust,

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who devours the misfortune of others!

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Well, it's a point of vie...

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You're not Keith!

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Help! Keith! Oh...

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Ssh. Keith cannot help you.

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Oh, please, don't tell me you've killed Keith.

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We were going to Morecambe on Sunday.

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He is quite safe,

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just a few feet away from you, bound and gagged.

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-But is he comfy?

-There is nothing to worry about

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as long as you do exactly as you are told.

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You're not going to rape me, are you?

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Because that's just not my sort of thing.

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You're perfectly safe.

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Smashing.

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(I'm going for a slash. If she gets any more irritating, kill her.)

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I think you should go and confront Jenny

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and just completely spill your guts everywhere.

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With respect, Rainbow,

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I'm not sure if I should be taking relationship advice from you.

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Let's face it,

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some World War I battles were mellower than your love life.

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My new guy's very different - solid, dependable...sensitive.

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Do I know him?

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Psycho Paul?

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Psycho Paul?!

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(GIGGLES) I know!

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Do you? Do you really?

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Cos I know. I-I've seen him in action...

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human trafficking, pornography, kidnapping.

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I've seen him gouge a man's eyeball out with a spoon!

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Bad boys are so cute.

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He is not cute.

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You haven't seen his bum.

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I don't need to see a man's backside

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to know whether or not he's a threat to society.

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The thing is, he makes other men just seem so...

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normal?

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I noticed that.

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So what happened with Psycho Paul and Tania?

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Oh, he said they were just too different.

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Anyway, I don't really call him that name. I call him Double P.

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Double P?! You can't rebrand Psycho Paul!

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I can definitely change him.

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-No.

-Definitely!

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He'll be like putty in my hands.

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Putty that's set. Tell me, have you tried changing men before?

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Talvin. When we first met, all he was into was nosebleed techno.

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Within two weeks...

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I had him listening to Joss Stone.

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-Wow. You take no prisoners.

-Then Marvin,

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I managed to stop him playing football with his mates every Sunday.

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Yet you still fell out.

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We've actually ended up with more room than we had next door.

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So are you still on for the house-warming party?

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Definitely. I've been seeing those all over town.

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Yeah. Really pleased for her.

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We are thinking we need more space, Nicki.

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Yeah, cos we've got a bit of news.

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I'm pregnant, with very, very small, small baby.

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-Aw. Congratulations.

-Thank you. Thank you, Nicki.

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Aw, congratulations. I know you'd been trying for a while.

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Yeah, but it turned out I had rubbish sperm.

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SHE GIGGLES

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Seriously. They all had bent tails.

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Did they? I'm sorry about that.

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So we use imported sperm cells.

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A donor? Really?

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Wow.

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So are you sure you're ready for parenthood

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in all of its stifling joy?

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To be mother is to be everything to someone.

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I reckon I'm ready for parenthood.

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After all, I've spent years raising prize vegetables.

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Still, you won't be able

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to get down the allotment so much now, though, eh?

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What? What d'you mean?

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Well, I'm just saying, you know, babies,

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they tend to soak up a lot of your spare time.

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You won't be able to get down the allotment as much.

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No, I will. I will, won't I?

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The future of allotment is uncertain.

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Well, I mean, you say uncertain, but we can't be sure.

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We have much to discuss.

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So, do you know who the donor was?

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Yes. We wanted to give best start in life to the baby,

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so we choose very carefully. He is good friend.

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More a friend of Kim and Miko, really.

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Funnily enough, this used to be his flat. Bloke called Fist.

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Fist?

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Well, good luck with Jenny.

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Hope you CAN sort it out.

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Good luck with Psycho Paul.

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And I hope he don't sort YOU out.

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Honestly, Paul's got hidden depths.

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Yeah, I think he buried some dead bodies there.

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The ones he couldn't sell.

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MOBILE RINGS

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See ya.

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RINGING CONTINUES

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Hello?

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'This is just a courtesy call to let you know

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'that the Low Triad have kidnapped your father.'

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You're not serious?!

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'We are holding him and his irritating girlfriend.'

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Yeah, she is prone to vex.

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But why have you kidnapped 'em?

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Is it for Children In Need?

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'He interfered with our meat.

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'That cannot be tolerated.

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'I presume you want to see your father alive again.'

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Yeah, probably.

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'Then you had better pay the ransom.'

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All right, as long as we're not talking silly money.

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'All you need is £30,000.'

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30,000?! I could buy myself a state-of-the-art dad for that!

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'I will call again with your instructions.'

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Look, where've you stashed them, you bastards?

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Somewhere you will never, ever find them.

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Now, we may be here for some time.

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So why don't we all just relax?

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Would it be all right if I phoned the police?

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Just to let them know what's going on?

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MOBILE RINGS

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Hi, love.

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'I thought you were going to call me back.'

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I was... Look, Jen, it...

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Me dad's been kidnapped.

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'Oh, there's always some excuse, isn't there?'

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I'm serious. It...

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KEYPAD BEEPS

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Come on.

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-'Hiya...'

-Jen, I love you and I...

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'..Your call is very important to me,

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'so ring me back some other time, or leave a mess after the tone.'

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Jen, it's me.

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-And it'll always be me because I...

-BLEEPING

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Oh, for f...!

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Where's me bloody charger?

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You are so stupid that it makes you think you are clever.

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HE MUMBLES

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Wh- What have I done?!

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You stole two trucks of beef from Anderton Cold Storage.

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Keith, is this true?

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Course it isn't.

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Anderton warehouse is under the protection of the Low Triad.

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Well, what makes you think I did it?

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Your face was all over the security cameras.

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Cameras!

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HE TUTS Of course.

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That's how I got caught on me last two jobs.

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Oh, Keith,

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we just don't need that much beef.

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And...'ow much they asking?

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30 grand.

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Phew! That's a bit pricey.

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They throwing his girlfriend in for that?

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-Yeah.

-Can you not get 'em to throw anybody else in?

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Like who? I'm not short of people!

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I just don't wanna hand over 30 grand

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for the privilege of keeping me worthless dad alive.

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On the other hand...

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just letting them kill him...

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you know, is probably a bit of a karmic no-no.

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I suppose we could find out where they're keeping him,

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launch a lightning raid and snatch your dad back.

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Could we?

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Well, not me personally.

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I might need a little kip before we do any raiding.

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Is it possible?

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It's not impossible. Whether it's possible is another matter.

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I suppose we do need to teach the triad a lesson,

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coming right into our territory like that.

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If push comes to thrust, who do you think we could depend on?

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Cartoon Head, definitely.

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Um...Flu Strength Darren.

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Maybe. Hang on...

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Mad Andrew?

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Maybe.

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Baz the Elbow.

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Maybe.

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Oh...

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Bond Villain!

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Maybe.

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Which Bond villain?

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That's his name...

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Bond Villain.

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Brute 33.

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HE SUCKS HIS TEETH

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Maybe.

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Terry Christian, definitely.

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What, THE Terry Christian?

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No.

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Just got the same name.

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He's well vicious.

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Got a lot of anger and resentment.

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About being called Terry Christian?

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Yeah.

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I could ask the Denton Posse.

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Great. How many of them are there?

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Just one.

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One person does not a posse make.

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He's a big bloke, blud.

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He's about ten times your size.

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What's he gonna do? Eat the triad?!

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-I'm gonna ask Murderizer.

-Murderizer's soft as shit.

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So why's he called Murderizer?

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Cos he keeps getting murdered.

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Does anybody know anyone who might be of any help whatsoever?

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How about Violence Generator?

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-Nah, Violence Generator's settled down.

-Really?

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She's a wedding planner these days.

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All right, Jude Law?

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-Are they loaded?

-Nah, course not.

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We've got some silencers, an' all.

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Ooh! I didn't know silencers really existed.

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Course they do.

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Don't need one. Ain't got a gun.

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I got you a gun, an' all.

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There you go, Morris. Pop it in your handbag.

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I don't want it!

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Come on. Gun crime's on the increase. You don't want to miss out.

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Yes, I do.

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Anyway, I can barely get me finger round t'trigger.

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This thing's microscopic.

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-Baby's first gun!

-THEY CHUCKLE

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It's true, blud. That ain't going to do the triad no damage.

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Unless they've got a cat or a puppy.

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CHUCKLING

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I'll swap you it for this. I calls it The Edge.

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I tell you, blud, it's a joy to swing.

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I'm doing no shooting

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and no swinging.

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What, so you're just gonna go into the triad attack

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bare-knuckle fighting?

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Wow! That is impressively postal.

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No, I...I hadn't imagined I'd be that hands-on in the actual raid.

0:21:140:21:20

I thought I'd be playing more of a... Brian Wilson role.

0:21:200:21:24

Oh, I get it. So we all risk our lives for your dad...

0:21:250:21:29

and you stay at home and sit on your sofa, jerkin' your gherkin.

0:21:300:21:34

-Is that it?

-No. I...

0:21:340:21:37

I thought I'd be back at HQ. Y'know, manning the phones.

0:21:370:21:41

Then afterwards, I'll take you all out for a big meal.

0:21:410:21:45

I've got a better idea.

0:21:450:21:47

Why don't you come along on the attack and I'll take meself out?

0:21:470:21:53

Bastard!

0:21:560:21:57

You said it wasn't loaded!

0:21:570:22:00

Shit.

0:22:000:22:02

-Steve, sit down.

-No!

0:22:020:22:04

He said it wasn't loaded.

0:22:040:22:06

So? We all make mistakes. I mean, look at you.

0:22:060:22:10

You shot yourself. HE CHUCKLES

0:22:100:22:14

-Steve, sit down!

-I'm too angry to sit down!

0:22:140:22:18

I'm too angry for popcorn!

0:22:180:22:20

Please, sit down.

0:22:200:22:22

Take the weight off your wound.

0:22:220:22:24

No, I'd best not. They say you shouldn't move them.

0:22:240:22:26

You need to stem the flow of blood, blud.

0:22:260:22:29

MOBILE BEEPS

0:22:290:22:32

No power.

0:22:320:22:33

Somebody call an ambulance!

0:22:330:22:35

I can't get a signal.

0:22:400:22:43

I'll do it. I'll do it.

0:22:430:22:44

-MOBILE BEEPS

-My battery's dead and all.

0:22:470:22:49

I clearly said, "Are they loaded?" And you said, "No."

0:22:500:22:54

Shut it, Makka Pakka!

0:22:540:22:56

Xavier, use the land line in the hallway.

0:22:560:22:58

Tell them to send the best ambulance they've got.

0:22:580:23:01

Sure, blud.

0:23:010:23:02

Get a move on! It's an emergency, not a fashion show!

0:23:060:23:10

It ain't here, blud.

0:23:130:23:15

What d'you mean it ain't there?!

0:23:150:23:17

Your base unit's here but that's all.

0:23:170:23:19

Look in t'kitchen!

0:23:190:23:21

I ain't seein' it, blud.

0:23:320:23:35

Keep lookin'!

0:23:350:23:36

Just search everywhere!

0:23:360:23:38

Why didn't you actually check if it was loaded or not?

0:23:480:23:51

Why didn't you check, if it's so important to you?

0:23:510:23:55

Lean out the window.

0:23:570:23:59

What?!

0:23:590:24:01

To get a mobile signal.

0:24:010:24:02

It always works for me. You've just got to lean really far out.

0:24:020:24:05

Let Cartoon Head hold onto your ankles.

0:24:050:24:08

Not until he apologises.

0:24:080:24:10

Me apologise?! You apologise.

0:24:100:24:14

Psycho Paul doesn't apologise.

0:24:140:24:16

Yeah? Well, neither does Stevel Knievel.

0:24:160:24:20

Suits me.

0:24:210:24:22

Steve?

0:24:290:24:30

Bye, then.

0:24:340:24:36

CLICK

0:24:390:24:40

CLICK

0:24:410:24:42

It isn't loaded. Your bullet must've been in the chamber.

0:24:460:24:50

Steve, please sit down, this popcorn's getting really heavy.

0:24:530:24:57

Maybe I will sit down.

0:24:590:25:01

-Come on.

-Just to be on the safe side.

0:25:010:25:04

Hey! Hey, CH.

0:25:150:25:20

I know you killed me brother.

0:25:300:25:34

I'll tell you one thing.

0:25:360:25:38

You didn't kill me.

0:25:400:25:41

I killed me.

0:25:430:25:45

I did it.

0:25:460:25:47

I'll tell you another thing...

0:25:500:25:52

..and I want you to remember this...

0:25:530:25:55

You two...

0:25:570:25:58

..are both...

0:25:590:26:01

..total cu...

0:26:020:26:04

# I won't be there any more

0:26:300:26:34

# I won't be there any more

0:26:350:26:40

# I won't be there any more

0:26:410:26:46

# I won't be there any more

0:26:470:26:53

# I won't be there any more

0:26:540:26:58

# I won't be there any more

0:26:580:27:05

# I won't be there any more... #

0:27:060:27:08

BOTH: All right, our kid?

0:27:080:27:10

# I won't be there any more... #

0:27:120:27:16

Bloody hell...

0:27:260:27:27

Found it.

0:27:310:27:32

It were under your teddy.

0:27:320:27:34

Too late.

0:27:340:27:35

He's already gone ex-directory.

0:27:370:27:39

Are you having an affair?

0:27:410:27:42

How about you, are you having an affair?

0:27:420:27:45

That makes me so angry.

0:27:450:27:46

I believe you have some merch.

0:27:460:27:48

We have got a lot of guns.

0:27:490:27:52

Do you really?

0:27:520:27:54

How much did you pay for that?

0:27:550:27:56

Hey, good luck with getting your dad back.

0:27:560:27:58

I feel like the world's been turned upside down.

0:27:580:28:01

It is at your door.

0:28:010:28:05

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0:28:080:28:11

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