The Ear Ideal

This programme contains some strong language.

He died in exactly the same spot as his twin brother.

What is it?

Fate, karma? Destiny?

Fuckin' inconvenient is what it is.

Steve is such a sad loss.

Suppose we'd better get him harvested then.

You're not gonna sell his body parts?

It's what Steve would have wanted.

What? Being chopped up into his component parts?

Then sold to t'highest bidder, that's what he would have wanted?

It's what he told ME.

Come on.

No-one should die for nothing.

It's a bit of a disrespect, innit, blud?

Harvesting his arse.

About the only part of him we can't sell.

In fact, we'll leave his arse here, Morris.

A bit of a treat for you.

I know a guy who was born with no buttocks.

He might fancy it.

It's up to you, Morris.

First dibs on the arse.

No arse for me, thank you.

CH?

This is Steve we're talking about.

You can't just turn him into a selection of cold cuts.

-He was a mate.

-I never liked him.

You liked him though.

He was...all right. I suppose.

Cartoon Head, you had a soft spot for Steve, didn't you?

Dr Persil?

Psycho Paul speaking.

The gang have just come into some merchandise.

Correct.

It's very fr-r-resh.

Mother. I wasn't expecting you.

-Thank you, Chen.

-Oh, who's that, more guests?

It's like being Richard and Judy, ain't it, Keith?

Mmm-mmm.

-This is my mother, Mrs Low.

-Good afternoon.

I really love old ladies.

Do you really?

-Ah, Nigel Havers(!)

-All right, Moz?

I've got summat dead important to tell you.

The part of my brain that looks after "dead important"

is chock-a-block. Can you come back later?

Erm. OK. I'm on probation, so my time's my own.

Great. See you later.

Good afternoon. Would one of you gentlemen be Moz?

-I'm Colin.

-That's irrelevant.

Not to me.

Dr Persil. Psycho Paul called me.

I believe you have some merch.

Oh, what kind of merch?

Are you dealing again?

Does Nicki know? Is there a price war?

Come back later.

-Will you tell me later?

-No. Just go!

You got here quickly.

As luck would have it, I was in the area trying on some slacks.

Great. The sooner we can get him out of here the better.

Our Thursdays aren't normally like this.

See you later.

Dr Persil.

Psycho Paul, always a pleasure. Cartoon Head. You're looking well.

Xavier, what a smart hat.

Respec', blud.

Where's Steve?

Oh, I see.

HE CLEARS THROAT

Oh, that is fresh.

He only cashed his clogs in about 15 minutes ago.

Psycho Paul, I did ask you to keep the dead gentleman's temperature

as close to zero as possible.

We've got a window open.

It's a shame he's a mono-oculoid.

That operation was performed over a year ago

by Dr Paul and Nurse Cartoon Head there.

It was a punishment gouging.

We might still sell the other one.

People do occasionally buy singles.

We'll easily shift the kidneys and the liver, of course.

But his heart's another matter.

Once the heart stops beating, its value plummets.

I'll see what I can do.

Oh, that brain will fly off the shelf.

I've a client who loves brains, loves them.

-Is that German Barbara?

-The very same.

Xavier, can you pop to my Citron Berlingo, and get the organ boxes?

Cartoon Head, would you mind taking the dead gentleman into the kitchen?

Eh? You're not going to do it here.

Oh, I'm afraid time is made of essence.

You won't make a mess of my kitchen, will you?

I don't want it like when that epileptic hosted Come Dine With Me.

Don't worry, sir, I've over 10 years of dismemberment under my belt.

Do you not have a conscience at all, about this?

Conscience is just another word for gay.

You can't just look at a person

purely in terms of their monetary value.

Of course not. I always remember when it comes to human beings

it's what's inside that's important.

-Hi.

-Hiya, Till, come in. Coffee?

I'm not allowed to have coffee this week,

do you have any fresh caro root?

Probably not fresh.

Can I buy some weed?

Course. I've got skunk, white widow, Thai or pollen.

-Whichever's the best.

-They're all the best.

Scalpel.

Right, we're in.

Let's get the goodies out. Carmalt-Ochsner forceps.

That's probably an egg whisk.

KNOCKING

All right, Moz?

Random and Knobkirk. What do you want?

Just been to score round Nicki's.

Thought we'd come and tell you the good news.

We've been nominated for a BRIT Award.

Imagine.

We don't have to imagine - it's a real reality.

Back To The Nose Cone's up for Album of the Year.

Well, I've just been awarded a Bifta.

So who are you up against?

Pete Doherty's spoken word album Am I Listening To Me?

He's reinvented himself as a sort of postmodern Stanley Unwin.

It was always going to happen.

Yeah.

-Who else?

-Razorlight.

Fame-ing Myself Off.

-And...yeah, The Singing Nettles.

-The Singing Nettles?

19-year-old twin sisters. They've got harpsichords and lisps.

They sing songs about...

HE LISPS ..forests and puppets.

That makes me so angry.

So have you got a speech prepared?

First off, I'm going to clear up

exactly how Silicone Valets is spelt.

Then I'm going to explain how I hatched out of a giant metal egg.

And that our songs aren't written - they're divined.

And therefore, by extension,

that makes me and, by...further extension, him divine.

Then I'm gonna levitate.

Sound.

I thought I might flash my arse.

Something for everyone.

Hey, with all this going on...

..you two must be minted.

Yeah, well, our action figures are selling REALLY well.

Especially the me one.

We're earning thousands off personal appearances.

Could you lend us 20?

20 quid's not a problem.

No, I mean, 20,000.

That's a problem.

Me dad's been kidnapped. The ransom demand's 30 thou.

Unfortunately, my homes and contents insurance don't cover it.

-But you've already got 10 grand?

-Yeah.

Oh... You must be relieved,

knowing that you don't have to find that as well.

It's such a weight off my mind.

I bet it's one of those, "don't tell the cops or else" kidnappings, eh?

-Textbook.

-I've got an idea.

Oh, great! What?

A song.

A song about a kidnapping that goes horribly wrong.

Bye, then, you big...nominees.

Good luck with getting your dad back.

Cheers, kiddo. Any chance of a toilet break?

I've something to show you.

See this knife?

I've been looking for a knife like this for a long time.

I kept thinking about all the things I could do with it.

And now...now I have the knife.

How much did you pay for that?

£8.

I could have got you it cheaper.

No.

I could have got you the same knife...£5.

Eight is still a good price.

No, you're throwing money away, kiddo.

Shut up!

I'm just saying, next time you want any knives, come to me first.

-Do you need a hedge trimmer?

-No!

Charming(!)

Now listen.

How much for hedge trimmer?

It's a Privet Master - not rubbish.

The same model down B&Q would be... 45, 50 quid.

That would be fair price for Privet Master.

It's only been out the box once, and that was me taking it out

to see if it was in there. And then I put it back in.

A mate of mine might be coming into some testicles.

Well, keep me in the loop on that one, won't you?

Defo.

So what have you done with Steve?

I've got the dead gentleman's totality all boxed up, sir.

And now I'm off to market, as 'twere,

-with 100 grand's worth of merch.

-100 grand?

Hang on,

are we splitting this five ways?

I thought you didn't want owt to do with this!

Yeah, but you did use my premises to prepare the goods.

And my 20 grand share could be the solution to all my ransom needs.

Come on, lads.

Great.

-When can I collect the cash?

-In a couple of weeks.

I need it by midnight tomorrow in unmarked notes.

That's just not how black market organ trading works.

I hope you haven't left any remnants or offcuts behind.

Honestly, sir, you'd never know

a corpse had been eviscerated in your kitchen.

That's lovely to hear.

Gentlemen, have a super evening.

Come along, Xavier.

OK, look, I could let it go for 20.

20 still too high.

Come on, love, I'm cutting my own throat here.

That may not be necessary.

I tell you what, I'll throw in five bags of potting compost.

Not sure.

Why are we even having this conversation?

I need a hedge trimmer.

-You know this.

-OK.

-Where's the fucking hedge trimmer?

-Under the bed.

There. Happy?

Yes.

-But no need to swear, hm?

-Sorry.

Right...we've got a plan,

we've got the willpower

and we've got the fire power.

Yeah, all right, Ferguson. What we haven't got is an address.

If we don't know where they're holding me dad, we can't rescue him.

It's one of them ergo things.

I don't know, blud,

we have got a lot of guns.

The amount of guns isn't an issue.

Unless we've got a map with a big X on it, we're buggered.

Thought you said he was in jeopardy.

Jeopardy isn't a place!

Isn't it near Marple?

-That's Bredbury.

-Someone'll know where he is.

I've put some feelers out.

-What kind of feelers?

-Got Barry Two-Mouths on the case.

-He owes me, does Barry.

-What did you do?

Give him his second mouth?

Now, we need something to convince Moz that the Triad is 100% serious.

I could have you some business cards printed up.

Or...I could send him your ear.

What?

Give me that ear!

-No.

-Give it back, you thieving get.

You are lucky I did not use hedge trimmer.

Now, who wants to listen to some Jedward?

Can you cut the other one off, please?

PHONE RINGS

'This is Tony Low.'

Yeah, I know.

I put you in my address book after you phoned last time.

Actually, I put "kidnappers", but, you know.

Maybe you think this is all an elaborate joke.

Kidnapping an old man is not elaborate.

Nor is it jocular.

-'Do you have the money?'

-Don't you worry about the money.

Let me worry about the money.

Not that I am...worried about the money.

Don't you worry about that.

'Just so you know we are serious, we have left you a little something.'

What?

It is at your door...

-Is that me dad's?

-'Of course it is!

'What sort of son would not recognise his own father's ears?

'We require £30,000 by midnight tomorrow.

'Don't do anything stupid.

'We are watching you.'

FOOTSTEPS

All right! Is now a good time?

What do you think(?)

Oh...

I'll come back later.

So you coming to the house-warming?

I can't, it's the same night I'm hosting my gallery group.

Gallery group?

It's like a book group, but we go to art exhibitions,

then get together and discuss it.

This month we saw Karen Everton's new sculptures.

She's constructed a 20-foot-high dog,

but she's done it by gluing together a lot of cats.

Genius.

Mm-hm. KNOCKING

Hi, hi. Nicki, this is Weems.

Weems does chauffeur-driven chauffeuring, don't you?

Yeah. It's a genuine pleasure to meet you.

Isn't he scrummy?

Yeah! Come in, Weems.

-It's Weims.

-Weims.

Weems.

Hi, Brian.

-Oh, hi, hi.

-Do you two know each other?

Yeah, he stopped by the store yesterday.

Look.

SHE GASPS

I think I want to be buried in this.

That is so spew.

It really goes with your eyes.

MOBILE RINGS Oh, excuse me.

Yes, Mr Williams?

No problem, sir.

I'll come and collect you right away.

It's a genuine pleasure, sir.

Got to go scoop up old bollock face. I'll see you later, Brian.

I'll meet you down the Funky Digestive, yeah?

Don't change out your uniform.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, bye, it's a genuine pleasure to meet you.

(He's cute!)

You should see his mode of conveyance.

Hmm...

So, what are we girls talking about then?

Tilly was just telling me about a giant dog made of cats.

-Oh, I saw that yesterday, I loved that.

-I really loved that.

It reminded me of when she did that big glove made of hats.

I hated that. You should come to my gallery group.

-Oh, what is it?

-It's like a soiree but with a purpose.

Oh, I was born to soiree.

-You can't, you're coming to my house-warming.

-I can do both.

I've got two legs and that.

So, I hear you and Moz slept together.

What?! He told you?

Don't worry, he told me not to tell anybody.

Well you've just told me.

Well, yeah, I assumed you already knew.

Or was it Rohypnol, the love that dare not remember its name?

And what about Tilly? She didn't need to know!

No, I think I did. Listen, I am very discreet.

Could I write about this in my journal?

No!

Still warm.

So?

That means it's only just been removed.

-And it was done nearby.

-Hey.

He might be being held over on Harold Street.

Very popular area with kidnappers.

Shit, what am I doing?

Should be packing this in some frozen peas.

Shouldn't you call an ambulance, blud?

What, for an ear?!

I think we should wait until we've got a dad

that we can Velcro it back on to.

Shit, there's no frozen peas!

We've got mushy peas.

Yeah, but I'm not quite convinced

about the life-preserving qualities of mushy peas!

What's these?

Onion rings, they'll do.

Earrings.

I hope Barry Two-Mouths can come up with summat

because I don't think I can scrape together another 20 thou.

It's a miracle I've got 10.

Shall we...go back next door?

Yeah, let the freezer compartment work its magic.

I understand that you're busy, Cartoon Head,

it's just that I'd really appreciate your help...

what with being in labour.

Pleeease!

I'm sorry to drag you away from your little friends, CH,

it's just that the contractions are really very close together now. Ah!

And I need you to clear the pondweed out of the birthing pool.

Oh, thanks, CH, I'll make it up to you.

SHE SHRIEKS AND GASPS

-Hiya.

-All right?

Where've you been? You smell really strongly of scent.

Oh, erm, just raided this brothel in Cheetham Hill,

it was one of those really perfumey brothels.

Mmm? Sure you didn't try out any of the wares while you were there?

Give over! They were all angry Russian lasses.

Are you being faithful to me?

Eh?

Are you having an affair?

No. I'm not having an affair.

Good.

How about you?

Are you having an affair?

No.

I am not having an affair.

Good.

We should both be very happy then.

Well, I am sure we are.

All right, Rainbow.

Hiya, Moz, I was just passing so... I brought some meringues.

Rainbow.

Double P.

What you doing?

Going for a slash.

Think I'll come with.

I'll, er...

I'll be in t'kitchen.

Thanks for t'meringues.

HE URINATES

Mm-nm-hm-nm-nm-hm-hm...

PHONE RINGS

'What is it, Moz?'

Jenny, I really miss you.

'I'm busy!'

-Shit, my dad'll have some.

-'What?'

Nowt. I just need some milk.

'Is that why you rung?!'

No, I rang to say I really miss you.

'You've already said that.'

Where are you?

'I'm with Carmel, down at Sex-A-Rama.'

Oh, you're not working there are you?

-'Yes!'

-Oh, Jen!

'What?

'What is the big deal?

'It's only lap dancing.'

Yeah, but it can lead to stronger stuff.

Jen, I'm worried about you.

I want you here with me.

'Um, I've started thinking,

'maybe I should be spending all me time bringing up me baby.'

You can't say that!

Well, I mean... No, I suppose you can, but what about us?

Haven't missed anything, have I?

'The thing is, Moz, I don't think there is an "us" any more.'

Jenny, please don't say that.

'I need to go, I've got a client.

'Don't phone me back because I'm putting meself on vibrate.

'-You all right...?'

# In my heart I

# I know that I've lost you too

HE SOBS

# And when I touch you

# I feel so alone

# When I touch you

# I know something's gone

# Something has gone

# Something has gone

# Something has gone

# Something has go-o-oone

# Baby!

# Look at me and you will see, baby!

# Whoa, baby!

# Look at me and you will see

# I will change, believe in me

# I will change, believe in me

# Baby

# Oo-oo-oo-ooh, baby

# Whoa-oa-oa-oah... #

I'm going to have to get back down Sex-A-Rama.

# ...Baby

# Ba-a-a-aby! #

I don't want to sound overly dramatic, but...

..I feel like my world's been turned upside down.

And shaken from side to side, and liquidised.

Have a meringue.

It'll cheer you up.

All right.

Although I feel you may be placing too much faith

in what is essentially... sugar and egg white.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Is now a good time?

For God's sake, Colin! What is it?

Jenny sent me to pick up her stuff cos she's moving out.

I'll come back later.

Well, you were right, it did cheer me up.

Know what frightens me most?

We are still no nearer to knowing where the Triad are holding him.

All right, kiddo? Argh!

What have I done?

Use your anger, Morris!

Now is last chance to say where £20,000 is.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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