The Ear Ideal


The Ear

Sitcom about a small-time dope dealer. Finding themselves with a body to dispose of, Moz and Psycho Paul call on the services of the sinister Doctor Persil.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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He died in exactly the same spot as his twin brother.

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What is it?

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Fate, karma? Destiny?

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Fuckin' inconvenient is what it is.

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Steve is such a sad loss.

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Suppose we'd better get him harvested then.

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You're not gonna sell his body parts?

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It's what Steve would have wanted.

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What? Being chopped up into his component parts?

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Then sold to t'highest bidder, that's what he would have wanted?

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It's what he told ME.

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Come on.

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No-one should die for nothing.

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It's a bit of a disrespect, innit, blud?

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Harvesting his arse.

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About the only part of him we can't sell.

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In fact, we'll leave his arse here, Morris.

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A bit of a treat for you.

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I know a guy who was born with no buttocks.

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He might fancy it.

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It's up to you, Morris.

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First dibs on the arse.

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No arse for me, thank you.

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CH?

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This is Steve we're talking about.

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You can't just turn him into a selection of cold cuts.

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-He was a mate.

-I never liked him.

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You liked him though.

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He was...all right. I suppose.

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Cartoon Head, you had a soft spot for Steve, didn't you?

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Dr Persil?

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Psycho Paul speaking.

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The gang have just come into some merchandise.

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Correct.

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It's very fr-r-resh.

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Mother. I wasn't expecting you.

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-Thank you, Chen.

-Oh, who's that, more guests?

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It's like being Richard and Judy, ain't it, Keith?

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Mmm-mmm.

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-This is my mother, Mrs Low.

-Good afternoon.

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I really love old ladies.

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Do you really?

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-Ah, Nigel Havers(!)

-All right, Moz?

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I've got summat dead important to tell you.

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The part of my brain that looks after "dead important"

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is chock-a-block. Can you come back later?

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Erm. OK. I'm on probation, so my time's my own.

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Great. See you later.

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Good afternoon. Would one of you gentlemen be Moz?

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-I'm Colin.

-That's irrelevant.

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Not to me.

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Dr Persil. Psycho Paul called me.

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I believe you have some merch.

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Oh, what kind of merch?

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Are you dealing again?

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Does Nicki know? Is there a price war?

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Come back later.

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-Will you tell me later?

-No. Just go!

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You got here quickly.

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As luck would have it, I was in the area trying on some slacks.

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Great. The sooner we can get him out of here the better.

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Our Thursdays aren't normally like this.

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See you later.

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Dr Persil.

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Psycho Paul, always a pleasure. Cartoon Head. You're looking well.

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Xavier, what a smart hat.

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Respec', blud.

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Where's Steve?

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Oh, I see.

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HE CLEARS THROAT

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Oh, that is fresh.

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He only cashed his clogs in about 15 minutes ago.

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Psycho Paul, I did ask you to keep the dead gentleman's temperature

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as close to zero as possible.

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We've got a window open.

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It's a shame he's a mono-oculoid.

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That operation was performed over a year ago

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by Dr Paul and Nurse Cartoon Head there.

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It was a punishment gouging.

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We might still sell the other one.

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People do occasionally buy singles.

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We'll easily shift the kidneys and the liver, of course.

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But his heart's another matter.

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Once the heart stops beating, its value plummets.

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I'll see what I can do.

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Oh, that brain will fly off the shelf.

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I've a client who loves brains, loves them.

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-Is that German Barbara?

-The very same.

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Xavier, can you pop to my Citron Berlingo, and get the organ boxes?

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Cartoon Head, would you mind taking the dead gentleman into the kitchen?

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Eh? You're not going to do it here.

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Oh, I'm afraid time is made of essence.

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You won't make a mess of my kitchen, will you?

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I don't want it like when that epileptic hosted Come Dine With Me.

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Don't worry, sir, I've over 10 years of dismemberment under my belt.

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Do you not have a conscience at all, about this?

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Conscience is just another word for gay.

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You can't just look at a person

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purely in terms of their monetary value.

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Of course not. I always remember when it comes to human beings

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it's what's inside that's important.

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-Hi.

-Hiya, Till, come in. Coffee?

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I'm not allowed to have coffee this week,

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do you have any fresh caro root?

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Probably not fresh.

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Can I buy some weed?

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Course. I've got skunk, white widow, Thai or pollen.

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-Whichever's the best.

-They're all the best.

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Scalpel.

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Right, we're in.

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Let's get the goodies out. Carmalt-Ochsner forceps.

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That's probably an egg whisk.

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KNOCKING

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All right, Moz?

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Random and Knobkirk. What do you want?

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Just been to score round Nicki's.

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Thought we'd come and tell you the good news.

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We've been nominated for a BRIT Award.

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Imagine.

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We don't have to imagine - it's a real reality.

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Back To The Nose Cone's up for Album of the Year.

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Well, I've just been awarded a Bifta.

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So who are you up against?

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Pete Doherty's spoken word album Am I Listening To Me?

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He's reinvented himself as a sort of postmodern Stanley Unwin.

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It was always going to happen.

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Yeah.

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-Who else?

-Razorlight.

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Fame-ing Myself Off.

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-And...yeah, The Singing Nettles.

-The Singing Nettles?

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19-year-old twin sisters. They've got harpsichords and lisps.

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They sing songs about...

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HE LISPS ..forests and puppets.

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That makes me so angry.

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So have you got a speech prepared?

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First off, I'm going to clear up

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exactly how Silicone Valets is spelt.

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Then I'm going to explain how I hatched out of a giant metal egg.

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And that our songs aren't written - they're divined.

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And therefore, by extension,

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that makes me and, by...further extension, him divine.

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Then I'm gonna levitate.

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Sound.

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I thought I might flash my arse.

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Something for everyone.

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Hey, with all this going on...

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..you two must be minted.

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Yeah, well, our action figures are selling REALLY well.

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Especially the me one.

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We're earning thousands off personal appearances.

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Could you lend us 20?

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20 quid's not a problem.

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No, I mean, 20,000.

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That's a problem.

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Me dad's been kidnapped. The ransom demand's 30 thou.

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Unfortunately, my homes and contents insurance don't cover it.

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-But you've already got 10 grand?

-Yeah.

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Oh... You must be relieved,

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knowing that you don't have to find that as well.

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It's such a weight off my mind.

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I bet it's one of those, "don't tell the cops or else" kidnappings, eh?

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-Textbook.

-I've got an idea.

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Oh, great! What?

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A song.

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A song about a kidnapping that goes horribly wrong.

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Bye, then, you big...nominees.

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Good luck with getting your dad back.

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Cheers, kiddo. Any chance of a toilet break?

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I've something to show you.

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See this knife?

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I've been looking for a knife like this for a long time.

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I kept thinking about all the things I could do with it.

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And now...now I have the knife.

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How much did you pay for that?

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£8.

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I could have got you it cheaper.

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No.

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I could have got you the same knife...£5.

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Eight is still a good price.

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No, you're throwing money away, kiddo.

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Shut up!

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I'm just saying, next time you want any knives, come to me first.

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-Do you need a hedge trimmer?

-No!

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Charming(!)

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Now listen.

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How much for hedge trimmer?

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It's a Privet Master - not rubbish.

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The same model down B&Q would be... 45, 50 quid.

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That would be fair price for Privet Master.

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It's only been out the box once, and that was me taking it out

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to see if it was in there. And then I put it back in.

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A mate of mine might be coming into some testicles.

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Well, keep me in the loop on that one, won't you?

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Defo.

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So what have you done with Steve?

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I've got the dead gentleman's totality all boxed up, sir.

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And now I'm off to market, as 'twere,

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-with 100 grand's worth of merch.

-100 grand?

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Hang on,

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are we splitting this five ways?

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I thought you didn't want owt to do with this!

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Yeah, but you did use my premises to prepare the goods.

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And my 20 grand share could be the solution to all my ransom needs.

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Come on, lads.

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Great.

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-When can I collect the cash?

-In a couple of weeks.

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I need it by midnight tomorrow in unmarked notes.

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That's just not how black market organ trading works.

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I hope you haven't left any remnants or offcuts behind.

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Honestly, sir, you'd never know

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a corpse had been eviscerated in your kitchen.

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That's lovely to hear.

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Gentlemen, have a super evening.

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Come along, Xavier.

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OK, look, I could let it go for 20.

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20 still too high.

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Come on, love, I'm cutting my own throat here.

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That may not be necessary.

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I tell you what, I'll throw in five bags of potting compost.

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Not sure.

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Why are we even having this conversation?

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I need a hedge trimmer.

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-You know this.

-OK.

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-Where's the fucking hedge trimmer?

-Under the bed.

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There. Happy?

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Yes.

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-But no need to swear, hm?

-Sorry.

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Right...we've got a plan,

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we've got the willpower

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and we've got the fire power.

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Yeah, all right, Ferguson. What we haven't got is an address.

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If we don't know where they're holding me dad, we can't rescue him.

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It's one of them ergo things.

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I don't know, blud,

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we have got a lot of guns.

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The amount of guns isn't an issue.

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Unless we've got a map with a big X on it, we're buggered.

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Thought you said he was in jeopardy.

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Jeopardy isn't a place!

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Isn't it near Marple?

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-That's Bredbury.

-Someone'll know where he is.

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I've put some feelers out.

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-What kind of feelers?

-Got Barry Two-Mouths on the case.

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-He owes me, does Barry.

-What did you do?

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Give him his second mouth?

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Now, we need something to convince Moz that the Triad is 100% serious.

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I could have you some business cards printed up.

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Or...I could send him your ear.

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What?

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Give me that ear!

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-No.

-Give it back, you thieving get.

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You are lucky I did not use hedge trimmer.

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Now, who wants to listen to some Jedward?

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Can you cut the other one off, please?

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PHONE RINGS

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'This is Tony Low.'

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Yeah, I know.

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I put you in my address book after you phoned last time.

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Actually, I put "kidnappers", but, you know.

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Maybe you think this is all an elaborate joke.

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Kidnapping an old man is not elaborate.

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Nor is it jocular.

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-'Do you have the money?'

-Don't you worry about the money.

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Let me worry about the money.

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Not that I am...worried about the money.

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Don't you worry about that.

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'Just so you know we are serious, we have left you a little something.'

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What?

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It is at your door...

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-Is that me dad's?

-'Of course it is!

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'What sort of son would not recognise his own father's ears?

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'We require £30,000 by midnight tomorrow.

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'Don't do anything stupid.

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'We are watching you.'

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FOOTSTEPS

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All right! Is now a good time?

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What do you think(?)

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Oh...

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I'll come back later.

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So you coming to the house-warming?

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I can't, it's the same night I'm hosting my gallery group.

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Gallery group?

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It's like a book group, but we go to art exhibitions,

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then get together and discuss it.

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This month we saw Karen Everton's new sculptures.

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She's constructed a 20-foot-high dog,

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but she's done it by gluing together a lot of cats.

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Genius.

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Mm-hm. KNOCKING

0:17:120:17:13

Hi, hi. Nicki, this is Weems.

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Weems does chauffeur-driven chauffeuring, don't you?

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Yeah. It's a genuine pleasure to meet you.

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Isn't he scrummy?

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Yeah! Come in, Weems.

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-It's Weims.

-Weims.

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Weems.

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Hi, Brian.

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-Oh, hi, hi.

-Do you two know each other?

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Yeah, he stopped by the store yesterday.

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Look.

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SHE GASPS

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I think I want to be buried in this.

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That is so spew.

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It really goes with your eyes.

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MOBILE RINGS Oh, excuse me.

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Yes, Mr Williams?

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No problem, sir.

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I'll come and collect you right away.

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It's a genuine pleasure, sir.

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Got to go scoop up old bollock face. I'll see you later, Brian.

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I'll meet you down the Funky Digestive, yeah?

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Don't change out your uniform.

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Nice to meet you.

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Oh, bye, it's a genuine pleasure to meet you.

0:18:110:18:14

(He's cute!)

0:18:140:18:16

You should see his mode of conveyance.

0:18:170:18:19

Hmm...

0:18:210:18:23

So, what are we girls talking about then?

0:18:230:18:26

Tilly was just telling me about a giant dog made of cats.

0:18:260:18:30

-Oh, I saw that yesterday, I loved that.

-I really loved that.

0:18:300:18:33

It reminded me of when she did that big glove made of hats.

0:18:330:18:37

I hated that. You should come to my gallery group.

0:18:370:18:40

-Oh, what is it?

-It's like a soiree but with a purpose.

0:18:400:18:43

Oh, I was born to soiree.

0:18:430:18:46

-You can't, you're coming to my house-warming.

-I can do both.

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I've got two legs and that.

0:18:490:18:50

So, I hear you and Moz slept together.

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What?! He told you?

0:18:540:18:57

Don't worry, he told me not to tell anybody.

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Well you've just told me.

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Well, yeah, I assumed you already knew.

0:19:010:19:03

Or was it Rohypnol, the love that dare not remember its name?

0:19:030:19:07

And what about Tilly? She didn't need to know!

0:19:070:19:08

No, I think I did. Listen, I am very discreet.

0:19:080:19:12

Could I write about this in my journal?

0:19:120:19:14

No!

0:19:150:19:16

Still warm.

0:19:160:19:18

So?

0:19:180:19:20

That means it's only just been removed.

0:19:200:19:23

-And it was done nearby.

-Hey.

0:19:230:19:27

He might be being held over on Harold Street.

0:19:270:19:30

Very popular area with kidnappers.

0:19:300:19:33

Shit, what am I doing?

0:19:330:19:35

Should be packing this in some frozen peas.

0:19:350:19:39

Shouldn't you call an ambulance, blud?

0:19:410:19:43

What, for an ear?!

0:19:430:19:45

I think we should wait until we've got a dad

0:19:450:19:48

that we can Velcro it back on to.

0:19:480:19:50

Shit, there's no frozen peas!

0:19:510:19:54

We've got mushy peas.

0:19:550:19:56

Yeah, but I'm not quite convinced

0:19:580:20:01

about the life-preserving qualities of mushy peas!

0:20:010:20:05

What's these?

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Onion rings, they'll do.

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Earrings.

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I hope Barry Two-Mouths can come up with summat

0:20:210:20:23

because I don't think I can scrape together another 20 thou.

0:20:230:20:27

It's a miracle I've got 10.

0:20:270:20:29

Shall we...go back next door?

0:20:360:20:39

Yeah, let the freezer compartment work its magic.

0:20:390:20:43

I understand that you're busy, Cartoon Head,

0:20:500:20:53

it's just that I'd really appreciate your help...

0:20:530:20:56

what with being in labour.

0:20:560:20:59

Pleeease!

0:20:590:21:01

I'm sorry to drag you away from your little friends, CH,

0:21:040:21:06

it's just that the contractions are really very close together now. Ah!

0:21:060:21:10

And I need you to clear the pondweed out of the birthing pool.

0:21:100:21:14

Oh, thanks, CH, I'll make it up to you.

0:21:190:21:22

SHE SHRIEKS AND GASPS

0:21:250:21:27

-Hiya.

-All right?

0:21:330:21:35

Where've you been? You smell really strongly of scent.

0:21:390:21:42

Oh, erm, just raided this brothel in Cheetham Hill,

0:21:420:21:47

it was one of those really perfumey brothels.

0:21:470:21:51

Mmm? Sure you didn't try out any of the wares while you were there?

0:21:510:21:55

Give over! They were all angry Russian lasses.

0:21:550:21:59

Are you being faithful to me?

0:22:010:22:03

Eh?

0:22:030:22:05

Are you having an affair?

0:22:050:22:07

No. I'm not having an affair.

0:22:130:22:16

Good.

0:22:170:22:19

How about you?

0:22:190:22:21

Are you having an affair?

0:22:210:22:23

No.

0:22:280:22:30

I am not having an affair.

0:22:300:22:32

Good.

0:22:320:22:35

We should both be very happy then.

0:22:350:22:36

Well, I am sure we are.

0:22:360:22:39

All right, Rainbow.

0:22:410:22:42

Hiya, Moz, I was just passing so... I brought some meringues.

0:22:420:22:48

Rainbow.

0:22:480:22:49

Double P.

0:22:500:22:52

What you doing?

0:22:590:23:01

Going for a slash.

0:23:030:23:06

Think I'll come with.

0:23:060:23:08

I'll, er...

0:23:140:23:17

I'll be in t'kitchen.

0:23:170:23:19

Thanks for t'meringues.

0:23:190:23:21

HE URINATES

0:23:230:23:27

Mm-nm-hm-nm-nm-hm-hm...

0:23:310:23:35

PHONE RINGS

0:23:410:23:44

'What is it, Moz?'

0:23:440:23:45

Jenny, I really miss you.

0:23:450:23:47

'I'm busy!'

0:23:470:23:50

-Shit, my dad'll have some.

-'What?'

0:23:500:23:53

Nowt. I just need some milk.

0:23:530:23:56

'Is that why you rung?!'

0:23:560:23:58

No, I rang to say I really miss you.

0:23:580:24:00

'You've already said that.'

0:24:000:24:02

Where are you?

0:24:020:24:03

'I'm with Carmel, down at Sex-A-Rama.'

0:24:030:24:06

Oh, you're not working there are you?

0:24:060:24:08

-'Yes!'

-Oh, Jen!

0:24:080:24:11

'What?

0:24:110:24:12

'What is the big deal?

0:24:120:24:13

'It's only lap dancing.'

0:24:130:24:15

Yeah, but it can lead to stronger stuff.

0:24:150:24:18

Jen, I'm worried about you.

0:24:180:24:20

I want you here with me.

0:24:200:24:22

'Um, I've started thinking,

0:24:230:24:25

'maybe I should be spending all me time bringing up me baby.'

0:24:250:24:29

You can't say that!

0:24:290:24:31

Well, I mean... No, I suppose you can, but what about us?

0:24:310:24:36

Haven't missed anything, have I?

0:24:400:24:42

'The thing is, Moz, I don't think there is an "us" any more.'

0:24:420:24:47

Jenny, please don't say that.

0:24:470:24:48

'I need to go, I've got a client.

0:24:480:24:51

'Don't phone me back because I'm putting meself on vibrate.

0:24:510:24:55

'-You all right...?'

0:24:550:24:56

# In my heart I

0:24:560:24:59

# I know that I've lost you too

0:24:590:25:03

HE SOBS

0:25:030:25:05

# And when I touch you

0:25:050:25:08

# I feel so alone

0:25:090:25:12

# When I touch you

0:25:130:25:16

# I know something's gone

0:25:170:25:21

# Something has gone

0:25:220:25:25

# Something has gone

0:25:260:25:29

# Something has gone

0:25:310:25:34

# Something has go-o-oone

0:25:360:25:41

# Baby!

0:25:410:25:44

# Look at me and you will see, baby!

0:25:440:25:48

# Whoa, baby!

0:25:490:25:52

# Look at me and you will see

0:25:520:25:54

# I will change, believe in me

0:25:540:25:56

# I will change, believe in me

0:25:560:25:59

# Baby

0:25:590:26:06

# Oo-oo-oo-ooh, baby

0:26:060:26:10

# Whoa-oa-oa-oah... #

0:26:160:26:19

I'm going to have to get back down Sex-A-Rama.

0:26:210:26:25

# ...Baby

0:26:250:26:29

# Ba-a-a-aby! #

0:26:340:26:38

I don't want to sound overly dramatic, but...

0:26:390:26:43

..I feel like my world's been turned upside down.

0:26:440:26:46

And shaken from side to side, and liquidised.

0:26:480:26:53

Have a meringue.

0:26:550:26:56

It'll cheer you up.

0:26:560:26:58

All right.

0:27:000:27:02

Although I feel you may be placing too much faith

0:27:020:27:05

in what is essentially... sugar and egg white.

0:27:050:27:09

KNOCKING AT DOOR

0:27:110:27:13

Is now a good time?

0:27:190:27:20

For God's sake, Colin! What is it?

0:27:200:27:23

Jenny sent me to pick up her stuff cos she's moving out.

0:27:230:27:26

I'll come back later.

0:27:380:27:39

Well, you were right, it did cheer me up.

0:27:470:27:50

Know what frightens me most?

0:27:520:27:54

We are still no nearer to knowing where the Triad are holding him.

0:27:540:27:58

All right, kiddo? Argh!

0:27:580:28:00

What have I done?

0:28:000:28:02

Use your anger, Morris!

0:28:020:28:06

Now is last chance to say where £20,000 is.

0:28:060:28:10

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:100:28:13

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:130:28:16

Finding themselves with a body to dispose of, Moz and Psycho Paul call on the services of the sinister Doctor Persil. Meanwhile, Moz's dad Keith learns that his kidnappers are deadly serious.


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