The Housewarming Ideal


The Housewarming

Sitcom about a small-time dope dealer. While Nicki throws a monster fancy dress party, Tilly hosts a soiree upstairs. Moz tries to scrape together the ransom money.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

0:00:020:00:04

Jenny, I can't tell you how glad I am you came back.

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Me too.

0:00:070:00:09

Fancy a chunk?

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I was gonna do rings, but then I decided to go old school.

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It smells lovely. Like pineapple.

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I got some toothpicks somewhere.

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I don't like toothpicks.

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They get between me teeth.

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You all right? I'm all right.

0:00:280:00:31

Hi, hi.

0:00:380:00:40

-Brian?

-All right, mate.

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How's it goin' an' goin'?

0:00:420:00:45

Aw, isn't he scrummy?

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The name's Barry.

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Barry Two Mouths.

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And you can say that again.

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This pineapple is mint.

0:01:000:01:01

Cartoon Head just phoned.

0:01:050:01:06

He's coming round with a bazooka.

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Good old reality.

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I'm going to phone Moz. Tell him where to leave the ransom money.

0:01:360:01:39

Where you choose?

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Car park on wasteland at the end of Norden Street.

0:01:400:01:43

Too obscure.

0:01:430:01:45

OK. How about the refuse bin behind McDonalds?

0:01:450:01:48

Too mainstream.

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You want to name place? Name somewhere!

0:01:500:01:53

Tell him go to left luggage department, Piccadilly train station.

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Put money in locker.

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Text locker number to you.

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Then, he go station toilet

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and hide locker key in water cistern in the cubicle.

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Too complicated!

0:02:050:02:06

This man cannot do complicated.

0:02:060:02:09

He lives on chips, cheddar and ganja!

0:02:090:02:12

I couldn't help overhearing. Might I be allowed to make a suggestion?

0:02:120:02:17

-No.

-He only lives across the landing.

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Why don't you just bob over and pick it up?

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No respect for tradition.

0:02:230:02:25

Now, can I continue as planned

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and tell Moz to leave the money in Norden Street car park?

0:02:310:02:33

OK, OK.

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Can do, can do.

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What I don't understand is where Cartoon Head got a bazooka from.

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Him and Flu Strength Darren have got it on a time share.

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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It's them.

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Get as much information as you can, blood.

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We gotta find out where they are.

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That's right Morris, you've gotta do some big sniffing.

0:03:000:03:05

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

0:03:050:03:07

Hiya.

0:03:090:03:10

What's the weather like where you are?

0:03:110:03:14

'What?'

0:03:140:03:15

Well, it looks like rain here. Does it look like rain there?

0:03:150:03:19

Actually, it looks like murder.

0:03:220:03:24

I have some information for you.

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MUFFLED CRY

0:03:260:03:27

Is that seagulls I can hear?

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'At midnight tonight,'

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you will go to Norden Street car park and leave

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a plastic carrier bag containing £30,000 in the rubbish bin.

0:03:340:03:37

Chuck 30 grand in the bin?!

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I'm not the Arts Council!

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Listen to me.

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You do as we say or your father will suffer.

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I want to talk to him.

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OK.

0:03:520:03:54

It's your stupid son.

0:03:540:03:56

All right, kiddo? Argh!

0:03:560:03:58

'Arghhhh!'

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'I hope you heard what he has to say.'

0:04:000:04:02

Shit, that's not a lot to go on.

0:04:050:04:08

I'm certain that I heard a seagull.

0:04:080:04:10

Could be Southport? Blackpool? Morecambe?

0:04:110:04:14

Lytham St Anne's? It's quite nice.

0:04:140:04:17

But why would they bother taking him to the seaside?

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Well, he is a senior citizen.

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They do like that sort of thing.

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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Cartoon Head, Judith. Oh, you've had the baby.

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Yes, sorry. Isn't he perfect?

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Yeah...

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He's got a...mask on.

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He's such a daddy's boy.

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Right.

0:04:470:04:48

What's it called?

0:04:480:04:51

We're not completely settled on a name yet.

0:04:510:04:53

I like Matthew or Michael.

0:04:530:04:55

But CH is keen on Plastic Face.

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Plastic Face?

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Well, there won't be any others in his class at school.

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That's what CH said.

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Are you coming in?

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No, I just popped by to show him off.

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I've got to get home and pump my breasts.

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Sorry. We'll see you later, CH.

0:05:150:05:17

Try not to do anything too violent.

0:05:170:05:20

Bye, Moz.

0:05:200:05:22

Congratulations, Judith. See you soon.

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You look after young Master Plastic Face, won't you?

0:05:240:05:28

Is that what I think it is?

0:05:320:05:33

You're not seriously planning on using that?

0:05:450:05:48

What about the town motto, "Salford Stops Short of Bazookas"?

0:05:490:05:53

You don't need to use it, Morris.

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Once they see you've got one of those, they do as they're told.

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Nobody wants a big hole blown through 'em.

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However, I should remind you, we're still no nearer to knowing

0:06:030:06:08

where the triad are holding him.

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So, although it's obviously hugely reassuring

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having a weapon of mass destruction in t'lounge,

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not one of us has first clue where to point it!

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Don't worry, Morris.

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All that side's been took care of.

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Barry Two Mouths is on the case.

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He's phonin' at seven with all the info we need.

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It's seven now.

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One minute to.

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Barry'll know. I'm tellin' you, blood, Barry's the dog's bollocks.

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He'd better be.

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Otherwise, in five hours time, my Dad is brown bread.

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And toast.

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MOBILE PHONE PLAYS A JAUNTY TUNE

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All right, Barry.

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So...give me the facts on this kidnapping.

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Where they holed up?

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How many of them are there? What weapons have they got?

0:07:060:07:08

Check they haven't got a bazooki.

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Barry, Barry, I can't tell what you're saying.

0:07:110:07:17

Have you got something in one of your mouths? Well, take it out then!

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Now, what's the word on the street?

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Got you.

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Right.

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Right.

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Really?

0:07:380:07:39

OK.

0:07:410:07:44

Right.

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Cheers.

0:07:450:07:46

Well?

0:07:490:07:51

He hasn't got a clue.

0:07:520:07:54

What?! You said he'd definitely know!

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You said he was the dog's bollocks!

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Turns out he's just common or garden bollocks!

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What have I done?!

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Christ! My Dad's life's at stake and I've pinned me hopes on you lot!

0:08:060:08:11

You lot!

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I should've been out there raising the rest of the ransom money!

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Instead of sitting round here with the fucking Tombliboos!

0:08:160:08:19

What am I gonna do?

0:08:210:08:23

-How much they asking for again?

-30 grand.

0:08:310:08:35

They don't seem to be taking the credit crunch into consideration.

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How much you got? Ten grand.

0:08:390:08:43

Why don't you ask them what you can get for ten?

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Maybe do a deal and send each other instalments?

0:08:520:08:56

Great. It's the ultimate part-work.

0:08:560:08:59

Builds up week by week into a complete Dad.

0:08:590:09:02

Part one comes with a free ear!

0:09:020:09:05

KNOCKING ON DOOR

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Linen, linen, linen!

0:09:120:09:15

-Sorry, Brian, I'm just...

-Pathetic?

0:09:180:09:21

-Like a Wigan salad bar.

-Aw.

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And you're looking dead dreadful.

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Step into my office.

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So I've only got one option left.

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I've got to lay my hands on 20 grand, ASAP.

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I'd help you if I could, but my life savings are next week's pay packet.

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Despite all this,

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do you know what frightens me most?

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That little bald patch?

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What little bald pa...? Shut up.

0:09:500:09:54

No, it's Jenny.

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She won't have me back.

0:09:590:10:01

-Did she find out you shagged Nicki?

-No!

0:10:020:10:06

And she's not going to do.

0:10:060:10:08

Me and Nicki are history, that were just an...aftershock.

0:10:080:10:13

Although I have been having some very impure thoughts about Tilly upstairs...

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And downstairs.

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And in her lady's chamber.

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If you know Tilly, why don't you ask her to lend you t'ransom money?

0:10:240:10:27

She's packed out with brass, man.

0:10:270:10:29

What? If she's so loaded, what's she doing living round here?

0:10:290:10:33

She's slummin' it, isn't she? Soakin' up the ambulance.

0:10:330:10:36

You know her designer clothes shop?

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Trash Wednesday?

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She's got another ten of them in t'States.

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I'm just off up to her soiree.

0:10:430:10:46

I thought you were going to Nicki's party?

0:10:460:10:48

HE SCOFFS: Please!

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I'm not gonna party when I can soiree.

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Do the math.

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This is a really nice flat.

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I'm thinking of getting somewhere like this.

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With my boyfriend, Paul.

0:11:030:11:06

I wish I'd known it were fancy dress.

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I feel like a right pillock.

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I ask you to buy a housewarming gift, and you forget. So I do it.

0:11:120:11:16

I ask you to wrap it and you forget. So I do it.

0:11:160:11:20

I ask you to put it in the bag with the beers, and you forget!

0:11:200:11:23

It's not my fault you've not picked up on the rhythm by now.

0:11:230:11:26

I've created a monster.

0:11:280:11:30

-Ah, Lady Blah Blah.

-There you go.

0:11:300:11:33

You two OK?

0:11:330:11:35

Food good.

0:11:350:11:38

Fancy dress was a marvellous idea. And the apartment looks great.

0:11:380:11:41

Oh, yeah. You won't find a classier do going on round here.

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I thought the whole exhibition radiated a very liminal anxiety.

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It wasn't as mesmerising as I expected. I like to be mesmerised.

0:11:520:11:56

-I like to be mesmerised.

-I like to be mesmerised.

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I prefer to be spellbound.

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ENTRY PHONE BUZZES

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ENTRY PHONE BUZZES

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Moz! Come in, come in, come in.

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We're having cocktails, Brandy ASBOs.

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-How divine.

-Moz, Astrid, Ross, Josh.

0:12:150:12:19

Moz and I collaborated on the sperm project.

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-I love your work. Very daring.

-I was lucky to pull it off.

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I came straight here from my philosophy evening class.

0:12:260:12:29

Right. What did you learn about this week?

0:12:290:12:32

Foucault.

0:12:320:12:34

Come on, you must've learnt something?

0:12:340:12:36

I think dance is the greatest philosophy of all.

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Oh, undoubtedly.

0:12:380:12:40

I mean, if you want to know why we're here, you go to a ballet.

0:12:400:12:43

You'll soon be wishing you were here.

0:12:430:12:44

-TILLY:

-ASBO?

0:12:440:12:46

Cheers, Tilly.

0:12:460:12:48

Listen, could we go and talk somewhere more private?

0:12:480:12:53

Sure. Meet me in the john.

0:12:530:12:55

Mmm.

0:13:000:13:01

Cocaine is pretty fucking real.

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It's what noses were designed for.

0:13:040:13:06

Brian. What a soiree sight.

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You don't have to do that in here.

0:13:110:13:14

You can do that out there.

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Yeah, I know. It's just much classier doing it in the toilet, innit?

0:13:160:13:19

There's a couple of lines for you there.

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Right, I'm gonna mingle like a mutha.

0:13:220:13:25

Tilly...

0:13:260:13:28

I was wondering if you could...loan me some money?

0:13:280:13:32

Sure. How much do you need?

0:13:320:13:33

How much can you afford to lend?

0:13:330:13:35

-How much would make a difference?

-How much can you get your hands on?

0:13:350:13:37

-How much do you want?

-How long's a piece of string?

0:13:370:13:40

-How much do you need?

-20 grand.

0:13:400:13:41

That's a fuck of a lot of string.

0:13:410:13:43

What do you need that kinda money for? Forget I said that.

0:13:430:13:46

I don't need to know. I can help, I want to help, I'm going to help.

0:13:460:13:49

I'll lend you the money.

0:13:490:13:50

God, Tilly.

0:13:520:13:53

-You've saved my bacon big time.

-My pleasure.

0:13:530:13:57

I promise you, I always pay back my debts,

0:14:050:14:06

even if I have to borrow money to do it.

0:14:060:14:09

It's OK. You know, I thought when you asked me in here,

0:14:090:14:13

you were gonna make a pass.

0:14:130:14:15

Well, I still could. You know, I mean,

0:14:160:14:19

what do you reckon? You and me?

0:14:190:14:21

Might be kind of difficult. I'm a celibate lesbian.

0:14:230:14:26

So? That's not such a big problem, is it?

0:14:260:14:30

Oh, it is, isn't it?

0:14:300:14:33

It's two big problems.

0:14:330:14:35

Moz, I think of you as a true friend. Can that be enough?

0:14:350:14:37

Yeah, I suppose so.

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If that's all that's on offer.

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But promise me, if you ever get bi-curious, you give me a call.

0:14:430:14:47

I guarantee I can satisfy your curiosity.

0:14:470:14:50

I'm celibate.

0:14:500:14:52

Well, if you ever get sex-curious, then.

0:14:520:14:54

I'm celibate.

0:14:540:14:56

Look, if you ever develop any inquisitiveness

0:14:560:14:59

about anything at all, call me.

0:14:590:15:03

Miracles do happen.

0:15:030:15:05

I once converted a necrophiliac.

0:15:050:15:07

I'll get you that cheque.

0:15:070:15:10

Tilly...

0:15:100:15:11

Anything? Anything at all?

0:15:170:15:21

No.

0:15:210:15:22

KNOCKING ON DOOR

0:15:520:15:54

Of course!

0:16:010:16:03

They're holding him in his own flat!

0:16:040:16:06

Bastards.

0:16:070:16:08

Right, are you ready to storm 'em?!

0:16:110:16:15

What? Now?

0:16:150:16:16

I'm not sure I can storm on an empty stomach.

0:16:180:16:22

Yeah, but, you don't want to be storming on a full stomach,

0:16:220:16:26

cos that'll just make you sluggish.

0:16:260:16:29

But, we could have a snack, couldn't we?

0:16:290:16:32

Surely we can snack'n'storm?

0:16:320:16:34

I'd like to snack'n'storm.

0:16:340:16:36

I don't want a full meal, but I've a got a..

0:16:360:16:39

a space.

0:16:390:16:42

Me too.

0:16:440:16:45

Come on.

0:16:450:16:47

Let's snack'n'storm.

0:16:470:16:49

OK, OK.

0:16:520:16:54

We'll snack'n'storm! Yeah!

0:16:560:16:59

-Rainbow.

-Oh, hello. Sweet costume.

0:17:050:17:11

We need to talk.

0:17:130:17:15

Do we?

0:17:150:17:16

I want my Psycho Paul...back.

0:17:160:17:21

Maybe.

0:17:210:17:23

But Double P doesn't want you back.

0:17:230:17:25

-Double P?

-That's what I call him.

0:17:250:17:28

Oh.

0:17:280:17:30

He doesn't mind?

0:17:300:17:32

No.

0:17:320:17:34

You know he's only with you cos you're a paramedic, don't you?

0:17:350:17:39

He's only interested in your bodies.

0:17:390:17:41

If I were to shoot you now,

0:17:430:17:45

he'd be flogging you for spare parts tomorrow.

0:17:450:17:48

Oh, puh-lease.

0:17:510:17:54

Do you seriously think this is the first time

0:17:540:17:57

I've been threatened with a gun at a housewarming?

0:17:570:17:59

Swear you'll leave Psycho Paul.

0:18:000:18:02

Or I'll kill you.

0:18:040:18:06

You haven't got the nerve.

0:18:070:18:09

Time to wake up, Snow White.

0:18:100:18:13

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go and look good on the dance floor.

0:18:130:18:16

Are them eggs done yet?

0:18:330:18:34

-Hey, what's that?

-Onion rings from your freezer.

0:18:340:18:38

Christ! No, no, no, no!

0:18:390:18:41

I put me Dad's ear in there to preserve it!

0:18:410:18:44

It just said "onion rings" on the packet.

0:18:450:18:47

Oh, for crying' out loud! Look!

0:18:470:18:49

It's covered in breadcrumbs now!

0:18:490:18:51

Still don't look that appetizing, though.

0:18:510:18:53

They must be talkin' about him...

0:18:530:18:55

..cos his ear's burning.

0:18:570:18:59

How could you?

0:19:010:19:03

Yes, I fried your Dad's ear.

0:19:060:19:11

But it was the triad what made it oven-ready.

0:19:110:19:14

Use your anger, Morris.

0:19:160:19:19

Use it against the Low triad.

0:19:190:19:23

Now's the time to attack.

0:19:230:19:26

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

0:19:260:19:28

Well, come on then.

0:19:340:19:36

But listen, Cartoon Head,

0:19:360:19:37

you have to leave the bazooka here.

0:19:370:19:40

You can't go firing that across me landing.

0:19:400:19:43

You'll bring the whole building down.

0:19:430:19:45

We've already got subsidence and dry rot,

0:19:450:19:48

the last thing we need is heavy shelling.

0:19:480:19:50

Plus it sort of defeats the point of having silencers on the guns.

0:19:500:19:55

Come on, lads. Are we ready?!

0:20:020:20:04

That was a pathetic attempt.

0:20:460:20:48

At least you had a go, Son. I'm proud of you.

0:20:490:20:52

It sounded very impressive.

0:20:520:20:54

Anyway, kiddo, at least now we can all die together, as a family.

0:20:540:20:59

I wish Troy was here.

0:20:590:21:01

Hmm. About 10,000.

0:21:110:21:13

You two are exactly the same.

0:21:190:21:21

But slightly different.

0:21:220:21:24

He's out for all he can get. And you are a get.

0:21:250:21:28

So, where is other 20,000?

0:21:300:21:32

I had a cheque for the balance,

0:21:320:21:34

but I tore it up. All the bits are on the landing.

0:21:340:21:38

We could stick it back together.

0:21:390:21:41

-I'm sure there won't be a problem.

-I've got some Blu-Tack.

0:21:410:21:44

Where is the rest of the cash?!

0:21:440:21:47

-There isn't any!

-Cut his tongue out.

0:21:470:21:50

Then he will tell you.

0:21:500:21:51

No. I didn't bring any money, because you said you were gonna bring money.

0:21:530:21:57

So, how we gonna pay for the taxi now, smart guy?

0:21:570:21:59

Borrow a tenner.

0:21:590:22:01

You know I hate borrowing money.

0:22:010:22:03

OK, I'll nick a tenner if it'll make you happy.

0:22:030:22:07

Do you know what? This marriage isn't working any more.

0:22:080:22:12

What? Why, what have I done wrong?

0:22:120:22:14

You want just today's ones, or a general overview?

0:22:140:22:18

Oh, it's like that, is it?

0:22:180:22:20

If that's the way you feel, I might as well just go. I don't need you.

0:22:200:22:22

GROWLS

0:22:580:22:59

GROWLS

0:23:010:23:03

WEREWOLF ROARS, COLIN SCREAMS

0:23:130:23:16

So, now is last chance to say where £20,000 is.

0:23:350:23:38

I can't tell you where it is cos it doesn't exist.

0:23:400:23:42

It isn't real money!

0:23:420:23:44

-Oh, I can't watch.

-Is someone French kissing?

0:23:460:23:49

Nice and still now.

0:23:490:23:52

Hang on, hang on!

0:23:520:23:53

Jen! You came back!

0:23:550:23:57

And you brought plates!

0:23:570:23:59

Right, who's got a bazooka?

0:23:590:24:01

I've got a bazooka. I am bazooka rich!

0:24:010:24:04

So everyone do as I say. Otherwise, prepare to feel the fucking bass.

0:24:040:24:09

You wouldn't have the first idea how to operate that thing.

0:24:090:24:12

Yeah? I reckon I could easily bazook you.

0:24:120:24:14

Yeah, and I'll give you a proper good plating.

0:24:140:24:17

She's right, I've watched her do it.

0:24:170:24:19

Chen, pop a cap in her ass.

0:24:190:24:21

You don't fit yer cap in yer arse, idiot.

0:24:210:24:25

Wu-tang!

0:24:320:24:34

I'm thinking NHS Direct.

0:24:390:24:41

What a buzz, man!

0:24:430:24:44

You just want to do another one right away.

0:24:440:24:46

-Oh, I'd love to have a go.

-Unfortunately, no time for a reload.

0:24:460:24:50

Nicely, nicely!

0:24:560:24:57

Shit.

0:25:040:25:06

I'm sorry about this, Troy, but you know the rules.

0:25:130:25:16

Arrest them all and let God sort them out.

0:25:160:25:19

You're 'right, Filth.

0:25:190:25:21

I was thinking of going to prison for a bit anyway.

0:25:210:25:23

Y'know, learn a trade.

0:25:230:25:25

Oh, Moz. I'm so glad you're safe.

0:25:300:25:33

And I'm so glad you've come back.

0:25:330:25:36

Eh? Who says I've come back?

0:25:360:25:40

I'm really sorry, fella.

0:25:400:25:42

It's a bit more complicated than you think.

0:25:420:25:45

Look, I know you two got drunk and you...

0:25:470:25:50

nudged her in the whiskers.

0:25:500:25:52

But it were a moment of madness. And I forgive you both.

0:25:530:25:56

And that forgiveness is unconditionally guaranteed

0:25:560:26:00

and blame retardant.

0:26:000:26:01

The thing is,

0:26:010:26:03

we've had a few more "moments" since then.

0:26:030:26:07

Five mental moments.

0:26:080:26:11

What?

0:26:140:26:15

Oh, please, no.

0:26:200:26:21

I'm sorry, fella.

0:26:230:26:25

-Jenny's with me now.

-Erm, I make my own decisions.

0:26:260:26:31

What happened to us, Jen?

0:26:320:26:34

What happened to you?

0:26:340:26:36

You used to be cool.

0:26:360:26:38

When I first met you, you were a dealer,

0:26:380:26:42

you were always stoned out your head.

0:26:420:26:44

You used to boil noodles in bong water. And now look at you.

0:26:440:26:49

What have you become?

0:26:490:26:50

What do you mean?

0:26:500:26:52

You're always talking about getting a job.

0:26:520:26:55

Look, I swear to you, I'm all talk.

0:26:560:26:59

Jen, please.

0:27:000:27:02

Think about everything that me and you have been through together.

0:27:020:27:06

You've made me happier than I thought possible.

0:27:060:27:09

And in the end,

0:27:110:27:13

I don't mind if you want to be a lap dancer.

0:27:130:27:16

I don't care that you've shagged the wolfman.

0:27:160:27:18

If I'm honest, I've strayed from the one true way myself.

0:27:200:27:24

The body can't always be faithful...

0:27:270:27:29

But the soul can.

0:27:330:27:35

My soul loves you.

0:27:370:27:39

So who is it gonna be?

0:27:410:27:43

Me...

0:27:440:27:45

..or him?

0:27:470:27:48

Ooh.

0:27:530:27:54

That is a tough one.

0:27:560:27:58

Sitcom revolving around the world of small-time dealer Moz and his circle of acquaintances.

While Nicki throws a monster fancy dress party, Tilly hosts a pretentious soiree upstairs. Moz is desperately trying to scrape together the ransom money to release his kidnapped dad.


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