The Housewarming Ideal

This programme contains some strong language.

Jenny, I can't tell you how glad I am you came back.

Me too.

Fancy a chunk?

I was gonna do rings, but then I decided to go old school.

It smells lovely. Like pineapple.

I got some toothpicks somewhere.

I don't like toothpicks.

They get between me teeth.

You all right? I'm all right.

Hi, hi.

-Brian?

-All right, mate.

How's it goin' an' goin'?

Aw, isn't he scrummy?

The name's Barry.

Barry Two Mouths.

And you can say that again.

This pineapple is mint.

Cartoon Head just phoned.

He's coming round with a bazooka.

Good old reality.

I'm going to phone Moz. Tell him where to leave the ransom money.

Where you choose?

Car park on wasteland at the end of Norden Street.

Too obscure.

OK. How about the refuse bin behind McDonalds?

Too mainstream.

You want to name place? Name somewhere!

Tell him go to left luggage department, Piccadilly train station.

Put money in locker.

Text locker number to you.

Then, he go station toilet

and hide locker key in water cistern in the cubicle.

Too complicated!

This man cannot do complicated.

He lives on chips, cheddar and ganja!

I couldn't help overhearing. Might I be allowed to make a suggestion?

-No.

-He only lives across the landing.

Why don't you just bob over and pick it up?

No respect for tradition.

Now, can I continue as planned

and tell Moz to leave the money in Norden Street car park?

OK, OK.

Can do, can do.

What I don't understand is where Cartoon Head got a bazooka from.

Him and Flu Strength Darren have got it on a time share.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

It's them.

Get as much information as you can, blood.

We gotta find out where they are.

That's right Morris, you've gotta do some big sniffing.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hiya.

What's the weather like where you are?

'What?'

Well, it looks like rain here. Does it look like rain there?

Actually, it looks like murder.

I have some information for you.

MUFFLED CRY

Is that seagulls I can hear?

'At midnight tonight,'

you will go to Norden Street car park and leave

a plastic carrier bag containing £30,000 in the rubbish bin.

Chuck 30 grand in the bin?!

I'm not the Arts Council!

Listen to me.

You do as we say or your father will suffer.

I want to talk to him.

OK.

It's your stupid son.

All right, kiddo? Argh!

'Arghhhh!'

'I hope you heard what he has to say.'

Shit, that's not a lot to go on.

I'm certain that I heard a seagull.

Could be Southport? Blackpool? Morecambe?

Lytham St Anne's? It's quite nice.

But why would they bother taking him to the seaside?

Well, he is a senior citizen.

They do like that sort of thing.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Cartoon Head, Judith. Oh, you've had the baby.

Yes, sorry. Isn't he perfect?

Yeah...

He's got a...mask on.

He's such a daddy's boy.

Right.

What's it called?

We're not completely settled on a name yet.

I like Matthew or Michael.

But CH is keen on Plastic Face.

Plastic Face?

Well, there won't be any others in his class at school.

That's what CH said.

Are you coming in?

No, I just popped by to show him off.

I've got to get home and pump my breasts.

Sorry. We'll see you later, CH.

Try not to do anything too violent.

Bye, Moz.

Congratulations, Judith. See you soon.

You look after young Master Plastic Face, won't you?

Is that what I think it is?

You're not seriously planning on using that?

What about the town motto, "Salford Stops Short of Bazookas"?

You don't need to use it, Morris.

Once they see you've got one of those, they do as they're told.

Nobody wants a big hole blown through 'em.

However, I should remind you, we're still no nearer to knowing

where the triad are holding him.

So, although it's obviously hugely reassuring

having a weapon of mass destruction in t'lounge,

not one of us has first clue where to point it!

Don't worry, Morris.

All that side's been took care of.

Barry Two Mouths is on the case.

He's phonin' at seven with all the info we need.

It's seven now.

One minute to.

Barry'll know. I'm tellin' you, blood, Barry's the dog's bollocks.

He'd better be.

Otherwise, in five hours time, my Dad is brown bread.

And toast.

MOBILE PHONE PLAYS A JAUNTY TUNE

All right, Barry.

So...give me the facts on this kidnapping.

Where they holed up?

How many of them are there? What weapons have they got?

Check they haven't got a bazooki.

Barry, Barry, I can't tell what you're saying.

Have you got something in one of your mouths? Well, take it out then!

Now, what's the word on the street?

Got you.

Right.

Right.

Really?

OK.

Right.

Cheers.

Well?

He hasn't got a clue.

What?! You said he'd definitely know!

You said he was the dog's bollocks!

Turns out he's just common or garden bollocks!

What have I done?!

Christ! My Dad's life's at stake and I've pinned me hopes on you lot!

You lot!

I should've been out there raising the rest of the ransom money!

Instead of sitting round here with the fucking Tombliboos!

What am I gonna do?

-How much they asking for again?

-30 grand.

They don't seem to be taking the credit crunch into consideration.

How much you got? Ten grand.

Why don't you ask them what you can get for ten?

Maybe do a deal and send each other instalments?

Great. It's the ultimate part-work.

Builds up week by week into a complete Dad.

Part one comes with a free ear!

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Linen, linen, linen!

-Sorry, Brian, I'm just...

-Pathetic?

-Like a Wigan salad bar.

-Aw.

And you're looking dead dreadful.

Step into my office.

So I've only got one option left.

I've got to lay my hands on 20 grand, ASAP.

I'd help you if I could, but my life savings are next week's pay packet.

Despite all this,

do you know what frightens me most?

That little bald patch?

What little bald pa...? Shut up.

No, it's Jenny.

She won't have me back.

-Did she find out you shagged Nicki?

-No!

And she's not going to do.

Me and Nicki are history, that were just an...aftershock.

Although I have been having some very impure thoughts about Tilly upstairs...

And downstairs.

And in her lady's chamber.

If you know Tilly, why don't you ask her to lend you t'ransom money?

She's packed out with brass, man.

What? If she's so loaded, what's she doing living round here?

She's slummin' it, isn't she? Soakin' up the ambulance.

You know her designer clothes shop?

Trash Wednesday?

She's got another ten of them in t'States.

I'm just off up to her soiree.

I thought you were going to Nicki's party?

HE SCOFFS: Please!

I'm not gonna party when I can soiree.

Do the math.

This is a really nice flat.

I'm thinking of getting somewhere like this.

With my boyfriend, Paul.

I wish I'd known it were fancy dress.

I feel like a right pillock.

I ask you to buy a housewarming gift, and you forget. So I do it.

I ask you to wrap it and you forget. So I do it.

I ask you to put it in the bag with the beers, and you forget!

It's not my fault you've not picked up on the rhythm by now.

I've created a monster.

-Ah, Lady Blah Blah.

-There you go.

You two OK?

Food good.

Fancy dress was a marvellous idea. And the apartment looks great.

Oh, yeah. You won't find a classier do going on round here.

I thought the whole exhibition radiated a very liminal anxiety.

It wasn't as mesmerising as I expected. I like to be mesmerised.

-I like to be mesmerised.

-I like to be mesmerised.

I prefer to be spellbound.

ENTRY PHONE BUZZES

ENTRY PHONE BUZZES

Moz! Come in, come in, come in.

We're having cocktails, Brandy ASBOs.

-How divine.

-Moz, Astrid, Ross, Josh.

Moz and I collaborated on the sperm project.

-I love your work. Very daring.

-I was lucky to pull it off.

I came straight here from my philosophy evening class.

Right. What did you learn about this week?

Foucault.

Come on, you must've learnt something?

I think dance is the greatest philosophy of all.

Oh, undoubtedly.

I mean, if you want to know why we're here, you go to a ballet.

You'll soon be wishing you were here.

-TILLY:

-ASBO?

Cheers, Tilly.

Listen, could we go and talk somewhere more private?

Sure. Meet me in the john.

Mmm.

Cocaine is pretty fucking real.

It's what noses were designed for.

Brian. What a soiree sight.

You don't have to do that in here.

You can do that out there.

Yeah, I know. It's just much classier doing it in the toilet, innit?

There's a couple of lines for you there.

Right, I'm gonna mingle like a mutha.

Tilly...

I was wondering if you could...loan me some money?

Sure. How much do you need?

How much can you afford to lend?

-How much would make a difference?

-How much can you get your hands on?

-How much do you want?

-How long's a piece of string?

-How much do you need?

-20 grand.

That's a fuck of a lot of string.

What do you need that kinda money for? Forget I said that.

I don't need to know. I can help, I want to help, I'm going to help.

I'll lend you the money.

God, Tilly.

-You've saved my bacon big time.

-My pleasure.

I promise you, I always pay back my debts,

even if I have to borrow money to do it.

It's OK. You know, I thought when you asked me in here,

you were gonna make a pass.

Well, I still could. You know, I mean,

what do you reckon? You and me?

Might be kind of difficult. I'm a celibate lesbian.

So? That's not such a big problem, is it?

Oh, it is, isn't it?

It's two big problems.

Moz, I think of you as a true friend. Can that be enough?

Yeah, I suppose so.

If that's all that's on offer.

But promise me, if you ever get bi-curious, you give me a call.

I guarantee I can satisfy your curiosity.

I'm celibate.

Well, if you ever get sex-curious, then.

I'm celibate.

Look, if you ever develop any inquisitiveness

about anything at all, call me.

Miracles do happen.

I once converted a necrophiliac.

I'll get you that cheque.

Tilly...

Anything? Anything at all?

No.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Of course!

They're holding him in his own flat!

Bastards.

Right, are you ready to storm 'em?!

What? Now?

I'm not sure I can storm on an empty stomach.

Yeah, but, you don't want to be storming on a full stomach,

cos that'll just make you sluggish.

But, we could have a snack, couldn't we?

Surely we can snack'n'storm?

I'd like to snack'n'storm.

I don't want a full meal, but I've a got a..

a space.

Me too.

Come on.

Let's snack'n'storm.

OK, OK.

We'll snack'n'storm! Yeah!

-Rainbow.

-Oh, hello. Sweet costume.

We need to talk.

Do we?

I want my Psycho Paul...back.

Maybe.

But Double P doesn't want you back.

-Double P?

-That's what I call him.

Oh.

He doesn't mind?

No.

You know he's only with you cos you're a paramedic, don't you?

He's only interested in your bodies.

If I were to shoot you now,

he'd be flogging you for spare parts tomorrow.

Oh, puh-lease.

Do you seriously think this is the first time

I've been threatened with a gun at a housewarming?

Swear you'll leave Psycho Paul.

Or I'll kill you.

You haven't got the nerve.

Time to wake up, Snow White.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go and look good on the dance floor.

Are them eggs done yet?

-Hey, what's that?

-Onion rings from your freezer.

Christ! No, no, no, no!

I put me Dad's ear in there to preserve it!

It just said "onion rings" on the packet.

Oh, for crying' out loud! Look!

It's covered in breadcrumbs now!

Still don't look that appetizing, though.

They must be talkin' about him...

..cos his ear's burning.

How could you?

Yes, I fried your Dad's ear.

But it was the triad what made it oven-ready.

Use your anger, Morris.

Use it against the Low triad.

Now's the time to attack.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Well, come on then.

But listen, Cartoon Head,

you have to leave the bazooka here.

You can't go firing that across me landing.

You'll bring the whole building down.

We've already got subsidence and dry rot,

the last thing we need is heavy shelling.

Plus it sort of defeats the point of having silencers on the guns.

Come on, lads. Are we ready?!

That was a pathetic attempt.

At least you had a go, Son. I'm proud of you.

It sounded very impressive.

Anyway, kiddo, at least now we can all die together, as a family.

I wish Troy was here.

Hmm. About 10,000.

You two are exactly the same.

But slightly different.

He's out for all he can get. And you are a get.

So, where is other 20,000?

I had a cheque for the balance,

but I tore it up. All the bits are on the landing.

We could stick it back together.

-I'm sure there won't be a problem.

-I've got some Blu-Tack.

Where is the rest of the cash?!

-There isn't any!

-Cut his tongue out.

Then he will tell you.

No. I didn't bring any money, because you said you were gonna bring money.

So, how we gonna pay for the taxi now, smart guy?

Borrow a tenner.

You know I hate borrowing money.

OK, I'll nick a tenner if it'll make you happy.

Do you know what? This marriage isn't working any more.

What? Why, what have I done wrong?

You want just today's ones, or a general overview?

Oh, it's like that, is it?

If that's the way you feel, I might as well just go. I don't need you.

GROWLS

GROWLS

WEREWOLF ROARS, COLIN SCREAMS

So, now is last chance to say where £20,000 is.

I can't tell you where it is cos it doesn't exist.

It isn't real money!

-Oh, I can't watch.

-Is someone French kissing?

Nice and still now.

Hang on, hang on!

Jen! You came back!

And you brought plates!

Right, who's got a bazooka?

I've got a bazooka. I am bazooka rich!

So everyone do as I say. Otherwise, prepare to feel the fucking bass.

You wouldn't have the first idea how to operate that thing.

Yeah? I reckon I could easily bazook you.

Yeah, and I'll give you a proper good plating.

She's right, I've watched her do it.

Chen, pop a cap in her ass.

You don't fit yer cap in yer arse, idiot.

Wu-tang!

I'm thinking NHS Direct.

What a buzz, man!

You just want to do another one right away.

-Oh, I'd love to have a go.

-Unfortunately, no time for a reload.

Nicely, nicely!

Shit.

I'm sorry about this, Troy, but you know the rules.

Arrest them all and let God sort them out.

You're 'right, Filth.

I was thinking of going to prison for a bit anyway.

Y'know, learn a trade.

Oh, Moz. I'm so glad you're safe.

And I'm so glad you've come back.

Eh? Who says I've come back?

I'm really sorry, fella.

It's a bit more complicated than you think.

Look, I know you two got drunk and you...

nudged her in the whiskers.

But it were a moment of madness. And I forgive you both.

And that forgiveness is unconditionally guaranteed

and blame retardant.

The thing is,

we've had a few more "moments" since then.

Five mental moments.

What?

Oh, please, no.

I'm sorry, fella.

-Jenny's with me now.

-Erm, I make my own decisions.

What happened to us, Jen?

What happened to you?

You used to be cool.

When I first met you, you were a dealer,

you were always stoned out your head.

You used to boil noodles in bong water. And now look at you.

What have you become?

What do you mean?

You're always talking about getting a job.

Look, I swear to you, I'm all talk.

Jen, please.

Think about everything that me and you have been through together.

You've made me happier than I thought possible.

And in the end,

I don't mind if you want to be a lap dancer.

I don't care that you've shagged the wolfman.

If I'm honest, I've strayed from the one true way myself.

The body can't always be faithful...

But the soul can.

My soul loves you.

So who is it gonna be?

Me...

..or him?

Ooh.

That is a tough one.