Date Miranda

Hello to you and thanks for joining. This is exciting, isn't it? Eh?

Now, let me get you up to speed.

Previously in my life, my mother tried to marry me off...

LOUDSPEAKER: Someone please marry my daughter.

I'm not asking for money.

I'm literally giving her away.

LAUGHTER

She was upset because I'd just told her how I blew my inheritance.

I bought a joke shop.

No, I love it. Although I am worried that hiring my oldest friend to manage it was a mistake.

And that is how we will take this franchise global.

It's a bit much, isn't it?

I mean, we're just a little shop that sells...

SQUEAKING

Shush and submit.

KLAXON SOUNDS

And today I'm over-excited because apparently Gary Preston's back from his travels. He's lovely.

But I always make a cockup if I see him.

Well, there's never any cockup involved, if you see what I mean.

How naughty!

Oh, but the last time I saw him...

Got to dance to this one.

# Stop right now thank you very much

# I need somebody with a human touch

# Hey you, always on the run

# Got to slow it down baby, got to have some fun. #

Say nothing.

We'll speak no more of and let's crack on with the show.

-Morning, Stevie.

-Afternoon.

It's nearly lunchtime.

Oh, the trains are a nightmare. It was a hellish journey.

You live upstairs.

There were leaves on the carpet.

That's a good one. What's up with you?

It's delivery day!

Right, you can make a start with the chocolate penises.

Pff!

Sorry. Every time!

They're like willies, but chocolate.

Stevie, they're funny. They're like willies but chocolate.

Nothing from you.

-Quite realistic, aren't they?

-Not really, no.

Aren't they?

LAUGHTER

Can we just concentrate?

But it's nearly lunchtime. I'm meant to be having a reunion lunch with the girls.

You hate the girls.

I know. But as Tilly says,

when you're dumped in a boarding school dorm aged nine,

you'll bond for life, even if you hate each other.

Or in my case, get embarrassed being out with people with public school nicknames.

In my class, Milly, Tilly, Bella, Bunty, Hootie, Pussy, Puggle and Podge.

-No, you're right. I'm not going.

-Good girlie. Work, not shirk. Or do you want our business to fold?

My business.

Right, I'll get it.

Could you sign there, please?

There you go, sir.

LAUGHTER

Did he just call me sir?

He just called me sir.

It's fine when they're not really looking,

notice the height, call me sir, look up, "Oh sorry, madam". That happens.

He looked straight at me, still thought sir was the right option.

Right, that's it. As a girl, I am going to my girlie lunch.

Tell you what, why don't you get these out?

Honk! Honk!

That might help.

Miranda.

Good morning, Mum. How are you?

Are you engaged yet?

Not since you asked last night, no.

-And I said "Good morning, Mum. How are you?"

-Don't get emotional.

We're not Spanish.

So, news just in.

Call me Fiona Bruce.

BOTH: Fiona Bruce.

Benji has at last split up from that ghastly fish woman.

Right, I've said it before, I will say it again.

-I'm not marrying my cousin.

-It didn't stop Uncle John and Aunt Liz. They're very happy.

Yes, but their son isn't.

Far too fussy.

This is Surrey. No-one minds.

Such fun.

This isn't our delivery. This is a load of baby stuff.

This very much needs sorting out.

Right. I'm off.

Well, my lunch is very important.

It's what us elegant girls about town do.

Don't you mean elephant girls?

I amuse myself.

Well, at least I'm not too small that I can't get on all the rides at Thorpe Park.

Well, at least I don't have to go to specialist clothes shops.

-Where are those jeans from?

-(Big And...)

-Sorry?

-Big And Long.

-Yes.

Well, doesn't mean I can't be feminine.

Look at that. Yeah, working it.

It's all about the recovery.

APPLAUSE

How can a man think a woman is a man?

I mean, I do have a penis, but that's chocolate. Actually...

That would look wrong in public, wouldn't it? Em...

LAUGHTER

No way. It's Gary Preston.

OK. Calm. Compose myself.

Smile.

Miranda? Hi. How are you?

Are you OK?

You look like you're in pain.

No, no, I'm fine.

It's just trapped wind.

Ah, that's better.

So, Gary, what are you doing here?

I work here. I'm the new chef. Started last week.

-Oh, wow, my shop's next door.

-No way!

It's great to see you. It's been ages.

LAUGHTER

Have you been eating chocolate?

Well...

To be precise, it's actually coc...co...cockolate!

So, how was Malaysia?

Yeah, great. It's good to be back, though.

-Really?

-Well, you know, you can have too much fun.

Thought I'd come back and settle down. Be sensible.

Joined a gym yesterday.

The one round the corner?

-Yeah, do you go?

-Loads.

Never.

Yeah, no, I'm really into keeping fit, Gary.

-Great. What's your sport?

-Gymnastics.

That's it.

I'll work with that. I am a gymnast, Gary.

-Wow.

-Wow indeed. I mainly do ribbons.

LAUGHTER

You might have seen me at the last Olympics, actually.

Although I wasn't on telly much

cos you will have noticed that a lot of gymnasts are quite manly,

have no curves or breasts.

That's one category, not mine. I'm in the bustier section.

It's less televised.

It's only in widescreen.

Gymnasts, busty is the category.

(What am I doing?)

Right.

Right. Good. Well, I'd better get back to work.

The new job and everything. Let's catch up soon.

-Great. Lovely.

-OK.

Well, that all went very well, I thought.

Luckily I enjoy living alone.

APPLAUSE

-Carl...

-Can't talk now. I'm working.

Oh, wish me luck. Girls' lunch.

I have to go. Here she is. Oh, look.

-Utmost curiosity!

-Tilly.

-Best B forever.

THEY SCREAM

Kissingtons.

BOTH: Mwah!

-And...

-Fanny!

Queen Kong.

I prefer Miranda, if that's OK.

Oh, no, it has to be Queen Kong.

You look exactly the same.

You're the Empress of Kong.

You're Kongoleezza Rice.

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT Oh, hang on. Bear with. Bear with.

Bear with.

Back.

So, what's new?

Well...

TILLY SCREAMS

FANNY SCREAMS

MIRANDA SCREAMS

-Oh, hideola.

-Poor Kongers.

No, I'm really pleased for you both.

Marriage and babies, it's not for me.

It's only what my mother wants.

-Seriously, though, is your mother coping OK?

-She's fine.

SHE SOBS

So, Queen Kong, we're arranging this shopping bonanza.

Oh, girls' shopping trip, yay!

Will you come with? Marvellismos!

I've only got limited windows, so I think we should probably go somewhere boutiquey, quite small...

TILLY AND FANNY MUMBLE

So, I suggest we meet just there tomorrow afternoon,

shall we say four?

Brillo pads!

Where are we going? I didn't quite catch it.

Wedding dress shopping.

Kill me!

Right, ladies.

What can I get for you? Madam?

Madam! Brilliant, thanks, Gary.

Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie!

Stevie! Stevie! Stevie!

I won't stop! Stevie, Stevie!

A little bit busy!

-I just saw Gary, he's working next door.

-No way! And?

I told him I was an Olympic gymnast.

-Why?

-You know when you get nervous socially, you end up lying to impress?

-No.

Exactly, we all do it.

So, what's going on in here?

They haven't taken the baby stuff back.

I've been on hold for over an hour. Listen to the hold music.

BANJO MUSIC PLAYS

It's continuous. I'm going insane. And we've had a double delivery of chocolate penii.

Pfff!

KLAXON SOUNDS

You've never known how to have fun.

Well, some of us like to focus on work.

Get round here and help me tidy tidy, please.

You can't get these in... Oh!

-Before you put the lid on.

-Oh!

It's quite a nice shock though, isn't it?

-Hello.

-THEY SCREAM

-Sorry, didn't mean to scare you.

-That's fine, Gary.

You remember Stevie? Stevie, it's Gary.

We thought you'd come out of Miranda's box.

Wow, you seem busy.

Things are obviously going well.

Yeah, yeah. Put simply, I'm deeply successful. So, look around.

So, I'm a cock magnet. Shoot me.

Look, I just popped in to ask, you're not with anybody, or married or anything at the moment?

Yep, yep, of course, yeah.

-Oh, really? Kids?

-Yeah, got two.

There's Orlando...

Orlando and, er...

Bloom.

You?

-No, still single.

-Me too.

-You just said you're married?

Divorced now.

And the kids?

Dead.

Really? What happened?

They froze.

They froze to death, Gary.

It's a funny story, actually.

Not funny, ha ha. But, funny in that it's almost unbelievable.

We were on holiday in the Himalayas at the base camp of Everest, and they were just running

around in shorts and T-shirt, and I kept saying, "Put your coat on, you'll catch your death!"

And they did.

-None of that's true, is it?

-No.

You know when you get nervous socially and you end up lying to impress?

-No.

-Exactly, we all do it.

-Right, well, I just wanted to ask, do you fancy...?

-Yes.

I haven't said anything.

I'll do whatever.

Do you fancy grabbing a bite later? I'm not working, it would be good to catch up.

We could go to the restaurant, free food.

Don't worry, it's not a date, it's just a thing.

-INDIAN ACCENT:

-I do like, I do like very much!

Why am I doing an Indian accent?

Cool, great. I'll pop in when I've finished my shift.

Great, OK.

Ciao.

Froze to death?!

Orlando and Bloom?!

I've got a date! I've got a date!

I've got a date!

Oh, what to do?

OK, what would the girls do?

Shopping, of course. Something to wear.

I'll Trinny and Susannah myself.

I couldn't do it with them, because I'd have to punch them in the face.

I hate those kind of programmes.

"Welcome to I'm OK, You're Obese."

I know what I'd do if I had one of those shows.

Excuse me, hello?

Right, let's have a look at you. Well, I wouldn't wear that top, but you look comfortable, are you?

-Yes.

-Do you like it?

-Yeah.

-Do you care that others may not like it?

-No.

Brilliant, then wear that then, bye.

Come on, come on. This is going really well.

APPLAUSE

Where are you going?

I've got to get something to wear.

How often do I have a date? Never, it's my first one.

First one of the many others I have also had.

-I thought he said it wasn't a date.

-He said it was a thing, that's code for a date, isn't it?

Well, just don't scare Gary off, OK?

And you can help me before you go shopping.

We've had another delivery of baby stock, the hen night stock is still not here

and I'm not enjoying telling the delivery company we're still missing fluffy handcuffs and love eggs.

Degrading, so no shoppy-shoppy until you tidy-tidy.

I'm fairly sure that's racist.

-I can see you!

-That was your fault, get out.

Look, don't you want to achieve?

I always think big, and then I think small. Heather Small.

I ask myself...

# What have you done today to make you feel proud? #

-What are you going to say?

-Fine, I'd say,

"Heather, Heather Small, you were excellent on Strictly Come Dancing."

She was, wasn't she?

And today, I helped my lovely little friend by putting the boxes away.

Thank you. And not in the kitchen/workstation/break area/my personal space.

Slash!

-Good word. Sorry... Stevie, I wouldn't.

-Good, because I wouldn't put them in your flat/...

-Slash!

-..Personal space.

No, exactly.

So, I wouldn't do that to you.

Hi!

Forgot to say earlier,

I'm just going to the baby shop to get a present for cousin Georgina's christening tomorrow.

Very anti-social to have it on what I call a weekday.

It's a weekday.

It's not just what you call a weekday.

It is a weekday.

That's such an annoying "what I call" phrase.

Shall I get you something to give them?

I didn't even know there was a christening.

I don't know what I'm going to get them. Such an ugly baby.

Your father suggested a balaclava!

Such fun.

Right, well I must dash, I'm off to meet someone for a spot of what I call tea.

It is tea, it just is tea.

Stevie? I've tidy-tidied.

Right, clothes shops.

I've been to Big and Long, nothing.

Just because people are taller or bigger than average,

why do we have to shop in patronisingly named places?

What's next? Lanky and Sweaty?

Swallowers and Amazonians?

Huge and Gross?

Dress to 48 chest,

shoes to 14...

Big sizes for once, perfect!

Hi.

-Hi.

-How can we help you?

I'm looking for something flattering for me, and really feminine.

Because, this might sound ridiculous but, I often get called "Sir".

I know, embarrassing.

And, I'm going out tonight and I really don't want it to happen then.

I hear you.

Right, let's have a look at you, shall we?

Well, you're naturally very feminine.

You're lucky. Shapely, ladylike curves.

As for these...

Astonishing! I've seen quite a few in my time, but these are frankly something else.

-Thank you.

-Nice hair, where did you get it?

-My father's side.

-Oh, never heard of them.

It's not going to take much.

Heads will turn, and not in a pointing and staring way.

I always knew I could pull it off, but I just didn't know what clothes would suit me best.

Well there's no point in wearing jeans and T-shirt, is there? You might as well be a man!

Well, let's sort you out for tonight, young lady!

Lady!

Stevie, I've got an outfit, are you ready?

Just give me a second.

-So, how do I look?

-Hang on.

Oh sorry, I didn't realise we had anyone here.

That is no problem.

Wow!

-Can I just say, you look gorgeous.

-Thank you.

It is amazing, so feminine.

-Oh, stop it.

-Seriously, you could pass.

Really? Pass? Brilliant. I passed.

Miranda, why are you dressed as a transvestite?

I'm so sorry. I thought...

Just get out please.

You know, don't worry,

didn't he just say that you looked gorgeous and feminine?

As a man, Stevie.

For a man he thought I was gorgeous and feminine. A man.

A man!

Are you laughing?

There is nothing funny here.

There isn't because I wear normal everyday clothes and get called "Sir".

I actually make an effort, I am a transvestite.

Hi.

Hi.

Did we say it was fancy dress tonight?

This isn't fancy dress.

Yes, it is fancy dress.

I was trying on our new range of...

Transvestite costumes.

How does that help?

I don't know,

I don't know, I'm panicking.

You're panicking?

It'll be fine, just be yourself.

What an appalling piece of advice.

Shall I come back?

Two seconds, I'll just get changed.

Miranda, I cannot believe you filled my personal space.

This is not the time, that is not what it sounds.

I'll be two seconds.

I'll just get "chang-ee".

-How did you end up being a chef?

-Just picked it up when I was travelling.

Worked in a lot of restaurants, really got into it. I've found what I want to do.

That's great. Your parents must be pleased with that, how is your mum?

-Still frantically trying to find me a wife.

-My mum is the same.

What, trying to find you a wife?

Finding me a wife.

Just to be clear,

she wants me to find a husband because I am a woman.

Right.

Exactly, it's not just marriage, it's the desperation to have kids.

I know, I don't have that desperate urge to breed.

I'm up here, if we did have that desperate urge to breed, we could...

(Why?!)

He's gone up.

The number of woman who turn 30 and suddenly they're obsessed with babies.

So boring. I have a fairly normal, healthy interest in children but...

-It's getting late.

-Bye.

HORN BLARES

You ruined my chances last night.

Turns out a flat full of baby stock isn't an aphrodisiac.

Gary was in your flat? Was he lost?

Sorry. I just didn't think he'd come back and you shouldn't have put it all in my personal space.

I'm sorry. Everything seems tidy-tidy in here now.

They've finally picked up the extra penii.

I've had a call from the baby shop and that stuff upstairs is theirs and they have got our hen night stuff.

Miranda, you are in a street with some very dodgy businesses.

That baby shop, I've just come from the christening.

Marjorie gave a silver-encrusted rattle, Victoria an engraved mug,

I presented what I thought was a lovely toy rabbit,

turns out it was a battery-operated rabbit...toy.

Worst thing was the baby loved it.

Couldn't prise it off him.

It was absolutely, what I call, mortifying.

-What are you doing?

-I am being nonchalant for Gary.

Good luck.

-Miranda.

-Hello, Gary, that is weird seeing you here.

-I work here.

-Isn't that weird, of all the restaurants I could have popped into.

-I work here and you know that.

-It is all very weird.

Look, I was going to come and see you later, I should apologise about last night.

-I shouldn't have stormed off without you explaining everything.

-There was a stock mix-up.

You don't need to explain, but you do need to let me take you out for a drink later.

OK.

-Great. Was there anything else? Did you want to order some food?

-Do you do wedding cakes?

No, no!

That was a joke. That was the worst kind of joke I could have made.

You know I am not into all that stuff, don't you?

Sorry I'm late.

Wow, you look great.

I'm amongst friends so I can be honest. Shush!

I don't think I have ever felt more beautiful.

You have to try one on, it's the most amazing experience.

Better than anything horse.

A bit weird with no engagement ring.

Hello, sir.

Right, I would like to try one on, please.

Really?

Oh, sorry, yes, I think we may have something. Size?

10.

Tenty!

I'm a size 20.

I think we have one in a "tenty"!

I'm amongst friends so I can be honest.

I don't think I have ever felt more beautiful.

-Really?

-No.

I look like I've had a chiffon-based anaphylactic shock.

It would be a nightmare if my mother walked past and fainted with joy.

No!

This is almost getting ridiculous. Gary!

Come back.

I am not desperate. What are you scared of?

Gary! Gary, come back.

Gary! Gary!

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