Menagerie QI XL


Menagerie

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APPLAUSE

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STEPHEN WAILS

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Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.

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Welcome to QI, which, tonight,

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is a menagerie of animals beginning with M.

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Let's meet our man children.

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The mammalian Romesh Ranganathan...

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APPLAUSE

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..the marsupial Bill Bailey...

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APPLAUSE

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..the microscopic Sue Perkins...

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APPLAUSE

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..and the missing mink Alan Davies.

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APPLAUSE

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So, let's hear it for the monkeys, please. Sue goes...

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MONKEY SCREECHES

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Stop, stop.

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..Romesh goes... MONKEY GIBBERS

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LAUGHTER

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..Bill goes...

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MONKEY SHRIEKS

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-Which, you do, actually, don't you?

-I do, yeah.

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..and Alan goes...

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# Hey hey, we're the Monkees

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# People say we monkey around... #

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So, it's a menagerie.

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Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager

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managing an imaginary menagerie.

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-Very good, well done.

-Thank you very much.

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What's...? What...? What just happened?

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LAUGHTER

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We're imagining an imaginary menagerie manager

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-managing an imaginary menagerie.

-Boom!

-Wow.

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-APPLAUSE

-That certainly is impressive.

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It's a menagerie. Animal collections.

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That monkey's really staring you out, Stephen.

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LAUGHTER

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All right. Now, do an impression,

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if you can, of a moose on the pull.

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LAUGHTER

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A moose on the pull? OK.

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ROMESH ROARS

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-Very good.

-Probably. That will enter into it.

-When it goes...

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"Are you a parking ticket

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"cos you got fine written all over you-ooh?"

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LAUGHTER

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-Is that a genuine pick-up line? I love it.

-I think it might be.

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-"Fine" written all over you.

-I'm not actually sure what...

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It's not really the sound. It's actually a physical...maybe.

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-It's a physical impression.

-Did you do that?

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A male moose would do that...?

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Does it go up...?

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Does it go up on its rear legs and... Eh?

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LAUGHTER

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Eh? See anything you like, moose lady?

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LAUGHTER

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-Or moose gentleman.

-LAUGHTER

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So, what order of mammals is a moose?

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It's an elk, isn't it? Or a deer?

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Well, an elk is simply the European name for what Americans call a moose.

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-I've seen one.

-I've seen one.

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LAUGHTER

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-I went to Canada and I was staying in a cabin...

-Yeah?

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..and I woke up in the morning, and I looked out the window,

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and it was right outside the window. They're almost entirely silent.

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-Yes.

-They're so stealthy, you wouldn't think...

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-I mean, they're huge - they're like a horse...

-Oh, right.

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..but they hardly make any sound at all, and they creep about.

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Frankly, they're unnerving. They're surreptitious.

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-Surreptitious.

-I'm amazed it makes any noise...

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Would be more like this, then? Would be more like sort of...?

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Don't look. Look away. Pretend you're a moose

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-at a disco or something.

-LAUGHTER

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-Fancy a bunk-up?

-LAUGHTER

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Is it something like that?

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APPLAUSE

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"Fancy a bunk-up?"

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-It's a moose.

-He said, "Fancy a bunk-up?"

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You haven't chatted anyone up since the '70s, have you?

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LAUGHTER

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I sort of feel sorry for animals...

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Like, well, moose. ..because they haven't got... How do you...?

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If you're going on the pull, as a moose,

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how do you stick out from the herd?

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If you're a human and you're struggling on the pull,

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you can get, like, a snazzy haircut or, like, a cool jacket.

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-Do you know what I mean?

-LAUGHTER

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So, the moose does something else.

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-BILL:

-Ah! It goes on Tinder, is that right?

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LAUGHTER

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There's an equivalent of tundra... Tinder.

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Is there? Tundra Tinder, I like it. Tindra.

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What are they, as an order of mammal?

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-They are...

-Deer.

-Deer, they are deer.

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What the deer's mating season?

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-The males called it...

-Rut.

-They rut.

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One of the things they do in their rut, the males,

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is they dig a hole...

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-It's the equivalent of wearing a smart jacket.

-OK.

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..and they urinate into the hole,

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and then they pull all the...

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-pissy mud, let's call it...

-Sexy times.

-Yup.

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..all around their legs and all around their bodies.

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-They cover themselves in urine-soaked mud.

-Dirty.

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And they go a little distance from the hole and they sit down.

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They wait for the female to come -

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who, as a female would, would go,

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"I like the smell of this."

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LAUGHTER

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-It's muddy and it's...

-Pissy!

-..slightly pissy.

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Just a little touch of piss.

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And they get in there and cover themselves in that mixture

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-and then mating happens.

-And then he says, "Fancy a bunk up?"

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LAUGHTER Yeah.

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But before that, they've got to go through the other rutting procedure,

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which is why they've got antlers, and that's fighting with other males.

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So, after they've fought with the males and won,

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then they have the honour of pissing in the mud.

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-Is that their prize?

-It's nature's way of telling them...

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I would just take a dive if I was in that situation.

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If that's the reward, you know, mate, I don't fancy pissy mud today.

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I'm just going to go down.

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Are there any female moose that aren't necessarily drawn in

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by the toxic, heady brew of urine,

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mud and some slightly wonky antlers?

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If there are, unfortunately they'll probably die out

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because the only ones that mate are the ones that go in for this,

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-and they pass on their genes.

-What does it smell like?

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As bad as it sounds, I fear.

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Are you moose-curious now?

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LAUGHTER

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I am moose-curious.

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I want to smell your mud...moosey boy.

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Then you can get extra points if you can do what a moose can do,

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and that's have each eye moving independently of the other.

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-No, I can't do that.

-I actually thought

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you were going to say, "Urinate in a muddy hole."

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I can do that. I don't know if you can see, but...

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like that, you go...

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What's your mud pissing like?

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Am I doing it?

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You don't want to do it. What's the plural of moose?

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-Moose.

-Mooses.

-Moose, yeah, although it's actually a Cree word,

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a Cree Indian word,

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and the real plural should be "moosuch", which is rather good.

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One moose, two "moosuch".

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Sounds quite Yiddish.

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-Moosuch!

-Moosuch!

-I like it, good word.

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Anyway, to impress the females, a moose on the pull

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really has to splash out a bit.

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The moose is the world's largest deer,

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but how might a tiger help an old deer get home?

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Do they organise licensed minicabs for free after midnight?

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-This is a set-up, isn't it?

-It is, we don't mean an old dear like that.

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It's not actually an old lady.

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And we can't mention... If we say zebra crossing, then there's

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-going to be attraction going off...

-You are far smarter than we are.

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LAUGHTER

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I fooled the klaxon, finally!

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Yes!

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-It's a dream, isn't it?

-It is a dream.

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-So, it's the word "deer" and the letter M. We've had moose.

-A musk.

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It may not... Even you...

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-Muntjac.

-..a fine zoologist, you may not have heard of this.

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No, muntjac is not it.

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-It's Chinese deer that for 1,200 years...

-It's Chinese, dear.

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Chinese.

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-Eh?

-He said it's Chinese, dear.

-Chinese, OK.

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-Is it Wednesday?

-No, Chinese.

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Oh, I like lager.

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He'll have chow mein, he likes it.

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INDISTINCT

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I like lager. Do I like lager?

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-Yes, dear.

-Thank you.

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It's been extinct for 1,200 years. In the wild it's been extinct.

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-Oh, right.

-But it was saved actually by the Europeans,

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-particularly the British.

-Mink.

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I was saying things that begin with M.

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Is it a Chinese word?

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-Well, it probably originally was.

-Mao Zedong deer.

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A good try. A bloody good effort.

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-Do you know...?

-It tells the other deer to really think about their failings.

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LAUGHTER

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It's milu. Milu is a type of deer.

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1,200 years ago, it was made extinct in the wild.

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Because the Chinese the antlers were an aphrodisiac.

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-Oh, course they did!

-Here we go.

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This poor deer was indeed rendered virtually extinct.

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A few European travellers smuggled some out of China,

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including the 11th Duke of Bedford,

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who put them in a park in Woburn Abbey,

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-and they've more or less thrived.

-Or is it throve?

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And...by the time you got to 1985,

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it was decided that maybe they should be reintroduced to China.

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Oh, dear!

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The primary problem was they didn't know which part of China

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-they came from, there was no record.

-No, of course not.

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-Well, it's very diverse as well, Chinese habitat.

-Hugely diverse.

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So you've got to get it right. And they knew that the milu

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liked squashy, marshy places, they swam very well.

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And they had wide feet. And it suggested a marshy environment.

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And then they thought, well, maybe we should see which animals

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they have a little atavistic memory of.

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And they played sound tapes to them,

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of different animals, a whole list of them -

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crows, dogs, tigers, leopards, wolves, bears and lions.

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And the one they responded to the strongest was the sound of the tiger.

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So, they found an area of China where there were tiger fossils,

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because amazingly there are virtually no tigers left alive in China

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because their penises are aphrodisiac.

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-Yes.

-That's right, but you have to kill them first.

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And they found the fossils and a marshy place and they put them there.

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Who was responsible?

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Is this the Chinese government responsible for this?

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I think it was a cooperative thing between Woburn Abbey and China

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to bring them back.

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Because their record on animal welfare is a little bit shaky.

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So I'm amazed that it's going through.

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-Now, you were a maths teacher, weren't you?

-I was, yeah.

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You'll love this.

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OK, could you divide 355 by 113?

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I can't.

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-Is that the question you're asking?

-We relied on you.

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No, it's actually a Chinese number called milu, same word.

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Probably pitched utterly differently.

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And it's the Chinese version of pi. What we call pi.

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It's not quite as accurate to as many places.

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It's easily remembered, actually.

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You say how would you remember 355 divided by 113.

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If you take the 113 and put it in front,

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you've got the first three odd numbers in pairs - 113355.

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And the answer, as you see, is pi.

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-It proves it because it's in chalk.

-It does, doesn't it?

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Did you use chalk as a teacher?

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No, actually. We had these interactive whiteboards.

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You're so young!

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It's so exciting, kids can come up

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and press the buttons on the screen, but it takes so long to plan that.

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So I switched off all the functionality

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and just use it as a regular whiteboard.

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I remember when I was at school, you'd get the whiteboard rubber

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thrown at you, like a discipline tool.

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My teachers liked the blackboard rubber

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because they could throw it at you and draw blood.

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Land it on the desk in front of you so you get covered in chalk dust.

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It's rather unfashionable now, apparently,

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violence towards children.

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You say it's unfashionable - it's illegal.

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Health and safety gone mad.

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You say that, we had a situation where there was

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a kid in one of my classes being very difficult, so we called

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their parents in and said, "Listen, your kid's out of line.

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"I think you've done a bad job of bringing him up."

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No, we didn't say that...

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You internalise that.

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And then he said, "Can't you just hit him?"

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And I said, "Well, we're not allowed to do that."

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And then he said, "What if I gave you a letter..."

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LAUGHTER

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"..that said you were allowed to hit him?"

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Would it work with the European Court of Human Rights?

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"I've got this."

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It's in crayon.

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-I've got a free pass.

-Well, there you are.

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We don't really know what the milu's milieu was,

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but we think it involved tigers.

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Where would you find the world's most dangerous moustache?

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-LAUGHTER

-Oh, look at Selleck there.

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Aren't they all dangerous? The reason I'm saying this is because

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I've been told that beards and moustaches are a haven for...

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-They carry bacteria.

-..disease and bacteria and stuff.

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I've started shampooing mine. I use an elderberry shampoo now.

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-Elderberry?

-Yeah, and then I...I...

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LAUGHTER

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-And then I use a mango and vanilla oil.

-Oh, lovely.

-Post shower.

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Do you get a lot of fruit-eating birds collecting round here?

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Is it a beard or moustache you're saying is dangerous?

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I wasn't saying, it was Romesh.

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But at the start it was - is a moustache dangerous?

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Sorry, that's the question!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Oh, good lord!

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Is it...is it...?

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Can I just point out that this bit of Hitler's moustache, is that...?

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That's a shadow.

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-Did he cut a bit off there or is that a shadow?

-LAUGHTER

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-That's what tipped him over the edge.

-It was, yes.

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-He was shaving and...

-So, we're criticising Hitler now, are we?

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-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

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The more I hear about him, the less I like him.

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Of course, we're in a menagerie world here

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so this moustache is not belonging to a human being.

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-A shark.

-Is it a horse?

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A moustache on a shark, that's dangerous.

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Is it the moustached lizard?

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-LAUGHTER No.

-Is it the Terry-Thomas gecko?

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Komodo dragon.

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You could go dragon. It's not a dragon, it's not an iguana.

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-It's actually...

-The KOMODO dragon.

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Ba-doing, ba-doing!

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A gecko. A leaping lizard.

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-ROMESH:

-The Selleck frog.

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Amphibious.

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-The trampolining, amphibious...

-Frog!

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-Other one.

-Toad!

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-Is the right answer.

-It's a toad?!

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It's a toad. It's the moustachioed toad.

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-Moustachioed toad.

-The Emei.

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-Wow.

-Look at that, that is seriously dangerous.

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Look how he's gelled it up.

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LAUGHTER

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Those studs... Again, we're back in the rutting world.

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-Oh, God, look at that.

-..tear into fellow males

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so that you can get the right mate.

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And then give the worst snog of all time.

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-Well, it lives in China.

-Of course it does. Not for long.

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And in the mating season...

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The moustache has medicinal properties?

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-And in the mating season, it builds up its forearms...

-Oh, yeah?

-Right.

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..partly for combat, but also for mating -

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for the grasping the female.

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And then it grows this moustache and then they fight a male rival

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at the bottom of the river stream over a particular female -

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and they aim for each other's stomachs to rip at them.

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Really, it's nasty business.

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90% of toads involved in this kind of combat are injured,

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so it's a really pretty...

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God, it make you grateful to be a human, doesn't it, sometimes?

0:15:480:15:51

-Yeah.

-Really? That's your life?

0:15:510:15:54

Underwater stomach ripping?

0:15:540:15:56

Being intestinally jarred by someone's weird, pointy moustache.

0:15:560:16:00

-Not for me.

-When they then get the female,

0:16:000:16:02

they fertilise the eggs the female has laid,

0:16:020:16:04

they get a little rock and they have to stay on the rock

0:16:040:16:07

or another male might challenge them for the rock

0:16:070:16:09

and fertilise the spare eggs and then, when they are hatched...

0:16:090:16:12

-It sheds its horns.

-..it sheds its moustache...

0:16:120:16:14

-Its love horns.

-..and goes around clean-shaven.

0:16:140:16:17

Oh, wow.

0:16:170:16:18

-Wow.

-The Emei. E-M-E-I.

0:16:180:16:21

-Emei.

-Yeah.

0:16:210:16:23

But there are other moustachioed animals,

0:16:230:16:25

some of them quite extraordinary. There's the Leucauge mariana

0:16:250:16:28

female spider, prefers to mate with a male with hairy front.

0:16:280:16:32

A hairy front!

0:16:320:16:34

-With a moustache, exactly.

-Nobody wants hairy mandibles.

0:16:340:16:38

A whiskered front, exactly.

0:16:380:16:40

If a male tickles a female with its little whiskers,

0:16:400:16:43

it is more likely to continue mating and to produce a genital plug.

0:16:430:16:49

-Oh!

-A genital plug?

-A genital plug.

0:16:490:16:52

Is that something... An advert for your genitals?

0:16:520:16:55

I could keep my genitals a plug, they're pretty good.

0:16:550:16:58

Let's all Google that now.

0:16:580:17:01

"You're here to plug your genitals, come on."

0:17:010:17:04

Just see what comes up if you put "genital plug" into a search engine.

0:17:040:17:08

A genital plug is when the female, after mating, then produces

0:17:080:17:13

this bung at the end of its entrance to stop other males from mating,

0:17:130:17:18

so that it guarantees the successful male will pass on its genes.

0:17:180:17:21

-Is it nature's chastity belt?

-Kind of, yes.

0:17:210:17:24

Afterwards, a male spider that tries to mount her and mate

0:17:240:17:27

will find it's rebuffed by the genital plug.

0:17:270:17:30

-Oh, nothing hurts more than a plug!

-Exactly.

0:17:300:17:33

As you know, the whole aim of a male is to pass on its genes.

0:17:330:17:36

-That's what it's all about.

-Not with a genital plug, it won't.

0:17:360:17:39

-No, exactly.

-Now available from Tesco.

0:17:390:17:42

Because scientists are interesting creatures, arachnologists,

0:17:420:17:47

I suppose, they tested to see how useful these hairs were on the male

0:17:470:17:50

by shaving some of the males

0:17:500:17:52

and the shaved males aroused less interest in the females.

0:17:520:17:55

Who's funding this research?

0:17:550:17:57

LAUGHTER

0:17:570:17:59

You are!

0:17:590:18:00

This must be Lottery winners who are going, "Yeah, shave a spider.

0:18:000:18:05

"Brilliant. That was brilliant."

0:18:070:18:09

Surely, on an evolutionary level,

0:18:090:18:12

surely the lady spider would want to get as many men as possible.

0:18:120:18:16

What the female wants to do is to attract the strongest, bravest,

0:18:160:18:21

-biggest of the species.

-Yes.

0:18:210:18:22

Because the eggs can only be fertilised once.

0:18:220:18:25

But you'd want the spider that goes, "Bung? That's nothing to me!"

0:18:250:18:29

That's true, actually, that's probably true.

0:18:290:18:32

ALAN MAKES POPPING NOISE

0:18:320:18:34

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:18:340:18:36

No, no, no. I think it's probably more like...

0:18:380:18:41

HE SQUEAKS

0:18:410:18:43

-A little pucker.

-I know.

-Exactly, but not straight out.

0:18:430:18:48

In a few million years, that will happen.

0:18:480:18:50

That the male spiders will evolve...

0:18:500:18:52

She can't wait that long with a bung in her.

0:18:520:18:54

"I'm sorry, love, I've got a plug in, I'm sorry."

0:18:540:18:58

A Glade plug-in.

0:18:580:19:01

A Glade plug-in!

0:19:010:19:03

-Well, you won't get...

-That's where they got the name from.

0:19:030:19:06

There's another spider with a moustache,

0:19:070:19:10

and that's the brown huntsman.

0:19:100:19:12

It has a luminous white moustache, or yellowy white.

0:19:120:19:15

-Which is...

-Ginger.

-What do you think its purpose is?

0:19:150:19:19

-Is it a draught excluder?

-Arachnid hatch.

0:19:190:19:22

Well, there are two things animals have to do.

0:19:220:19:25

-Sex and eat.

-Food.

-Eat.

-This one is food.

0:19:250:19:28

-Does it attract things?

-Moths, because it's luminous.

0:19:280:19:31

Oh, I see, right.

0:19:310:19:33

So, the moth sees that little luminous moustache

0:19:330:19:35

and ignores the hideousness...

0:19:350:19:38

-LAUGHTER

-..of the rest of that creature.

0:19:380:19:41

It looks like the worst thing I've ever seen in my life,

0:19:410:19:44

"but, oh, it's glowing!

0:19:440:19:46

Well, it is night, you see.

0:19:460:19:48

-Ah.

-So, by the time the moth is close up, it's too late. Grrr!

0:19:480:19:52

But it's a horrible last few seconds for that moth.

0:19:520:19:55

It's the realisation, "Oh, shit!"

0:19:550:19:57

Now, we all know there are perfectly good reasons

0:19:590:20:02

for shaving a toad or a spider,

0:20:020:20:04

but why would you want to shave the monkey?

0:20:040:20:07

MONKEY SHRIEKS

0:20:070:20:08

LAUGHTER

0:20:080:20:10

Do you know it?

0:20:100:20:12

To find out if it was the Antichrist.

0:20:120:20:14

LAUGHTER

0:20:140:20:16

Have the 666 or related number, according to...

0:20:160:20:19

Is it some sort of, like, monkey stag do?

0:20:190:20:23

-Well...

-He goes to sleep and they shave him completely.

0:20:230:20:27

-And then he'll wake up and go, "Ha-ha-ha(!)"

-It's not that.

0:20:270:20:30

SLOWLY: It's like this with extreme slowness and laziness...

0:20:300:20:33

-Sloth.

-Are you a lazy monkey?

0:20:330:20:36

I would be languid...

0:20:360:20:37

-A langur.

-A langur.

0:20:370:20:39

-Oh, hello.

-Where do you find langur monkeys?

0:20:390:20:42

That one in the middle does not look lazy.

0:20:420:20:45

LAUGHTER

0:20:450:20:47

Psychotic? Yes.

0:20:470:20:49

-The word is langur.

-Oh, OK.

-That's what they're called.

0:20:490:20:52

Do they like Madagascar? Do they go there?

0:20:520:20:55

I don't think so. It's all lemurs, I think. They're India.

0:20:550:20:57

There's a lot of them. Such a lot that there's a real problem.

0:20:570:21:00

They're considered an infestation

0:21:000:21:03

and so Indian authorities decided they would try something,

0:21:030:21:07

which is...

0:21:070:21:09

-You shave the leader of a particular troop of langurs...

-Yes.

0:21:090:21:13

-..the alpha male...

-Yeah.

0:21:130:21:14

..and rather than him being expelled and another male taking his place,

0:21:140:21:19

-the group disbands.

-Oh.

0:21:190:21:21

And that sort of solves the problem of the infestation

0:21:210:21:24

because they're a damn nuisance. Pests, they're considered.

0:21:240:21:27

I mean... In their own place, the jungle...

0:21:270:21:30

-They can be quite scary.

-..fantastic.

0:21:300:21:32

Amazing, leaping through trees.

0:21:320:21:34

Once they get habituated to humans, they pull your hair, they bite...

0:21:340:21:37

I've got a howler monkey bite here that still aggravates me.

0:21:370:21:40

"Oh, poor Stephen." LAUGHTER

0:21:400:21:42

-Were you trying to shave it?

-LAUGHTER

0:21:420:21:45

For your own wicked purposes?

0:21:450:21:47

LAUGHTER

0:21:470:21:50

-Just horrible.

-I like a smooth monkey myself.

0:21:500:21:53

Take it away, take it away, this monkey's too hairy!

0:21:530:21:56

Oh, yes, bring him to me. I will shave him.

0:21:560:21:59

No, um...

0:21:590:22:00

-Oh!

-MONKEY SHRIEKS

0:22:000:22:03

ALAN JOINS IN

0:22:030:22:04

In 2001, several large langurs were employed by the Indian government.

0:22:040:22:08

They were paid, in the form of bananas,

0:22:080:22:11

and they basically had to police the defence centre

0:22:110:22:14

where rhesus macaques were stealing food and paperwork,

0:22:140:22:18

-they were pulling women's saris off...

-Paperwork?

-Yes.

0:22:180:22:20

-Very anti-bureaucracy monkeys.

-It was the Ministry of Defence complex.

0:22:200:22:24

And so...they were small.

0:22:240:22:25

So they got the big langurs to police them, essentially,

0:22:250:22:28

and they did. They pushed them out to the post office.

0:22:280:22:31

LAUGHTER

0:22:310:22:33

And they've worked there ever since.

0:22:330:22:35

Doing paperwork.

0:22:350:22:37

The thing is, the baboons in Cape Town,

0:22:370:22:40

they have to have monitors because they're protected,

0:22:400:22:43

so they can't actually take them out and put them on a perch.

0:22:430:22:46

No, it's illegal to kill them.

0:22:460:22:48

It's like killing a cow, they are sacred...

0:22:480:22:51

in the Hindu religion.

0:22:510:22:53

The God, Lord Hanuman, apparently, is the monkey god.

0:22:530:22:56

But they're a damn nuisance, so it's very difficult to know what to do

0:22:560:22:59

but shaving seems a good answer. Well, there you are!

0:22:590:23:01

What's quite interesting about this macaque, while on the subject?

0:23:010:23:05

Oh, this is the one that took the picture of itself, is it?

0:23:060:23:12

Yes, the selfie macaque.

0:23:120:23:13

-The macaque selfie, yes.

-Well done, absolutely right.

0:23:130:23:17

This is a macaque type of monkey in Indonesia

0:23:170:23:19

that a British photographer took.

0:23:190:23:21

Or he did, or did he? That's the question.

0:23:210:23:23

Ah, so who owns the copyright of the photo?

0:23:230:23:26

-That's the question. The US court decided...

-I'm glad it went that far.

0:23:260:23:31

I mean, that surely is a vindication of every legal system.

0:23:310:23:34

It's a British photographer, David Slater his name is.

0:23:340:23:37

But the Copyright Office said that to be copyrightable,

0:23:370:23:40

a work must owe its origin to a human being.

0:23:400:23:42

And they've decided this wouldn't.

0:23:420:23:44

But of course it does owe its origin to him

0:23:440:23:46

because he set a camera up on a tripod, got the exposure correct,

0:23:460:23:49

and it so happened that the macaque pressed the button.

0:23:490:23:54

But to say that therefore he doesn't have copyright over that picture

0:23:540:23:58

-seems a bit extraordinary...

-So every time they use that photo,

0:23:580:24:01

they were suggesting he consults the macaque?

0:24:010:24:03

Well, it's supposedly uncopyrightable

0:24:030:24:06

because copyright law only applies to humans.

0:24:060:24:09

But that's human technology, so that's that guy's phone or camera,

0:24:090:24:13

-so surely he should have the copyright.

-This is our feeling too.

0:24:130:24:17

Which is why we have chosen to pay him for the rights

0:24:170:24:20

to the photograph, as you normally do on television.

0:24:200:24:24

If something's copyright, you pay...

0:24:240:24:25

So, someone said, "We're not paying you, you didn't take it."?

0:24:250:24:28

-Some have said that and he's annoyed about it.

-He did a good pose, though.

0:24:280:24:32

He did, a terrific pose.

0:24:320:24:34

The chap on the right's about to actually take the camera

0:24:340:24:38

and that will end it all.

0:24:380:24:40

Anyway, how do you titillate this ocelot?

0:24:400:24:43

-Aww!

-AUDIENCE: Aww!

0:24:430:24:46

Oh, you can't, surely... Do you?

0:24:460:24:47

It's probably vicious, though, isn't it?

0:24:470:24:49

I mean, these things will have your arm off, won't they?

0:24:490:24:52

Well done for not saying the famous thing of

0:24:520:24:54

-"How do you titillate an ocelot?"

-Which is to...?

0:24:540:24:56

Oscillate its tit a lot. LAUGHTER

0:24:560:25:00

You don't do that.

0:25:000:25:02

This is tree ocelot,

0:25:020:25:03

which actually is better known by another name

0:25:030:25:06

which begins with our themed letter.

0:25:060:25:08

There it is. Beautiful animal.

0:25:080:25:09

-Oh.

-Oh.

-I've played with one...

0:25:090:25:11

A kitten one. ..they're absolutely extraordinary.

0:25:110:25:14

-They're called Margays.

-Margays.

0:25:140:25:17

Margay. M-A-R-G-A-Y. Margay.

0:25:170:25:18

-HUSKILY:

-Margay.

0:25:180:25:20

And they are a tree ocelot because, as you can see from that photo,

0:25:200:25:23

-they are tree-dwelling.

-Have you shaved it, Stephen?

0:25:230:25:26

LAUGHTER

0:25:260:25:27

They are almost unique amongst the cat family in that,

0:25:270:25:31

not only can they climb trees headfirst...

0:25:310:25:34

They can fell them with axes.

0:25:340:25:36

LAUGHTER

0:25:360:25:38

They can descend trees headfirst -

0:25:380:25:40

which no other cat, except the cloud leopard, can do.

0:25:400:25:42

-God, look at that.

-There they are.

-He's rappelling.

0:25:420:25:45

-He's rappelling down...

-He is, isn't he?

-Look at that.

0:25:450:25:47

And they do this by revolving their ankles 180 degrees.

0:25:470:25:50

-It's astonishing.

-Oh, that is fantastic.

0:25:500:25:53

They really are extraordinary and so poised in balance,

0:25:530:25:55

but there are not many tree-living cats.

0:25:550:25:57

-Are their ankles...?

-Margays?

-Yep.

0:25:570:25:59

And the fact that other cats can't is the reason...

0:25:590:26:02

The cat stuck in the tree business.

0:26:020:26:04

They are stunning.

0:26:040:26:06

They live in central and southern America.

0:26:060:26:09

They can imitate...

0:26:090:26:10

The really rare thing about them, no other cat can do this,

0:26:100:26:12

-they can imitate...

-Paul Daniels.

0:26:120:26:15

LAUGHTER

0:26:150:26:16

-They can imitate...

-All the characters from Coronation Street.

0:26:160:26:19

They can imitate Bruce Forsyth.

0:26:190:26:20

HE IMITATES BRUCE FORSYTH

0:26:200:26:23

They imitate the calls of wild monkeys.

0:26:230:26:25

Jimmy Carr laughing.

0:26:250:26:26

LAUGHTER

0:26:260:26:28

The pied tamarin is the famous one there.

0:26:280:26:31

-Look at that.

-What is that...

0:26:310:26:33

head...submerged in fur?

0:26:330:26:36

That's a really cute body

0:26:360:26:38

-attached to the most hideous head I've ever seen.

-LAUGHTER

0:26:380:26:42

Is that another selfie?

0:26:420:26:44

That's a selfie stick that it's holding.

0:26:440:26:48

It's a pied tamarin. I don't think it usually looks quite as...

0:26:480:26:51

Well, odd as that.

0:26:510:26:53

-A small little... Like a tree monkey?

-Yep, exactly.

0:26:530:26:56

Yeah. Cats get stuck in trees because they can't get down again

0:26:560:27:01

-or they lose confidence.

-They make such a fuss about it, don't they?

0:27:010:27:04

Miaow! Miaow!

0:27:040:27:06

Get down, you twat, you did it yourself!

0:27:060:27:08

I throw things at them.

0:27:080:27:11

When they fall through the branches, scrabbling away, hilarious!

0:27:110:27:15

And when they eventually hit the ground, they'll style it out

0:27:160:27:19

as though they meant to do that. "I wanted to get down, actually."

0:27:190:27:22

In our beloved capital city alone,

0:27:220:27:25

the fire brigade has a lot of trouble.

0:27:250:27:28

In 2012, they were rescuing a treed animal every 14 hours.

0:27:280:27:32

A waste of public funds.

0:27:320:27:34

-Pretty much, isn't it?

-They should do it with a big stick, just jab 'em.

0:27:340:27:37

-A lasso.

-Half of them are cats, but they've also had

0:27:370:27:40

a chimpanzee trapped in a chimney in Tower Hamlets.

0:27:400:27:43

A puppy with its head stuck in an exercise machine in Hillingdon.

0:27:430:27:48

A puppy's got to work out.

0:27:480:27:50

A kitten with its head stuck in a bongo drum in a flat.

0:27:510:27:55

Jazzy!

0:27:550:27:57

-I'd love to see that. I would love to see that.

-A beatnik kitten.

0:27:590:28:03

Miaow! Miaow!

0:28:030:28:05

"You've got to get it out, it's cruel." "No, not for a bit."

0:28:050:28:08

Anyway, now, for a question about migration,

0:28:120:28:14

I'm going to ask you all to take out a map

0:28:140:28:16

that you should find beneath your desks.

0:28:160:28:18

-Oh, yeah.

-There you are.

0:28:180:28:20

And you've got some drawing to do on the map.

0:28:200:28:23

I want you to draw the extraordinary annual migration

0:28:230:28:27

of the North American blue grouse

0:28:270:28:30

-as accurately as you can.

-Right. North America. OK, so anywhere...?

0:28:300:28:35

Not Alaska, then? Is it Alaska? Could be Alaska?

0:28:350:28:37

The point is that I don't tell you until...

0:28:370:28:40

-LAUGHTER

-I've got a feeling...

0:28:400:28:42

that they want to get to another bit of North America,

0:28:420:28:45

-but they go the wrong way...

-LAUGHTER

0:28:450:28:48

..and they end up going all the way around the world

0:28:480:28:51

-and landing on the other kind of...

-OK, there you go.

0:28:510:28:54

Florida for the sun

0:28:540:28:55

and then to the Carnival in Rio

0:28:550:28:58

and then to Sydney...

0:28:580:28:59

By way of Cape Town, is it?

0:28:590:29:01

So they go to all the Mardi Gras?

0:29:010:29:03

Well, they go to all the Mardi Gras. They're just mad for it.

0:29:030:29:06

And then up here, where there's, like,

0:29:070:29:09

a cheese-rolling in Britain, they like that.

0:29:090:29:11

LAUGHTER

0:29:110:29:13

And then they're just knackered.

0:29:130:29:15

and the ones that are still alive, back home.

0:29:150:29:17

It's a fantastic route.

0:29:170:29:19

I just think that sort of

0:29:190:29:20

they go... just on a trip round South America

0:29:200:29:24

just to have a look - might as well make a day of it.

0:29:240:29:27

-I reckon they go about a mile to the next village.

-Yeah.

0:29:270:29:30

Well, I think what happens is they start off

0:29:300:29:32

and they overshoot, and they end up going completely round,

0:29:320:29:35

not hitting any landmass at all, and they think,

0:29:350:29:38

"We'll give it one more go," and they end up in Colchester.

0:29:380:29:40

They've no idea, but, for millennia they've ended up in Colchester.

0:29:400:29:44

And yours... Show the ladies and gentlemen.

0:29:440:29:47

LAUGHTER

0:29:470:29:49

APPLAUSE

0:29:500:29:52

Oh, dear.

0:29:590:30:01

Well, wouldn't it be funny if you were right?

0:30:010:30:03

You're trying not to smile.

0:30:030:30:04

-You're trying not to.

-I don't want to look at it.

0:30:040:30:07

-You like it.

-I don't like it. I don't like it.

0:30:070:30:09

"Do I like these? I don't like these."

0:30:090:30:12

-It's funny.

-I don't like it.

0:30:120:30:15

-OK...

-I don't like it!

0:30:150:30:17

Stop that. OK.

0:30:170:30:19

Incredibly,

0:30:190:30:21

closest to the truth was Alan.

0:30:210:30:24

LAUGHTER

0:30:240:30:26

APPLAUSE

0:30:260:30:29

Hold on.

0:30:300:30:31

Not...in your drawing

0:30:310:30:34

-but in the remark you...

-My first idea that they leave America,

0:30:340:30:37

go round the world and land in America again?

0:30:370:30:39

-No. In the remark you just made to Bill.

-What?

0:30:390:30:42

"I reckon they just..."

0:30:420:30:44

Go about a mile to the next village.

0:30:440:30:46

Yes!

0:30:460:30:47

It's even less than that.

0:30:470:30:49

Its extraordinary migration is 300 yards.

0:30:490:30:53

LAUGHTER

0:30:530:30:54

APPLAUSE

0:30:540:30:57

My kind of bird.

0:30:590:31:01

I love the thought of them packing their cases...

0:31:010:31:04

-Leaving a note for the milkman.

-Are we nearly there yet?

0:31:040:31:07

"Unplug the telly!"

0:31:070:31:09

Every spring, it goes down to its breeding grounds

0:31:090:31:12

and then, in the autumn, it schleps all the way back up the hill again.

0:31:120:31:15

-That's...

-Does it take a long time?

0:31:150:31:17

On foot, by the way. Not even flying.

0:31:170:31:20

I mean, they are massive, aren't they? Based on those footprints.

0:31:200:31:24

LAUGHTER

0:31:240:31:25

Enormous. Yes.

0:31:250:31:27

The name for the insatiable urge to migrate is Zugunruhe.

0:31:270:31:32

It's German for movement and restlessness.

0:31:320:31:35

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-Zugunruhe!

-LAUGHTER

0:31:350:31:38

But anyway, where does a marsh warbler go for singing lessons?

0:31:380:31:42

-A marsh warbler...?

-Marsh warbler.

-Do they copy other birds' songs?

0:31:420:31:47

Is it one of those?

0:31:470:31:48

-Take a lot of points.

-Come on, points.

0:31:480:31:52

APPLAUSE You're absolutely right.

0:31:520:31:55

Mimicry.

0:31:580:31:59

Usually, you think a bird learns its musical repertoire from its parents

0:31:590:32:03

and almost all birds do.

0:32:030:32:05

The marsh warbler doesn't,

0:32:050:32:06

because its parents stop singing before it hatches.

0:32:060:32:09

It's got 31 European and 45 African species

0:32:090:32:13

in their repertoire.

0:32:130:32:15

So, they sound like all the birds of Africa and Europe to us.

0:32:150:32:17

And they can switch from one to another...?

0:32:170:32:19

Yeah, because they're just imitating all the different ones around them.

0:32:190:32:23

Do they have the own distinctive one, or is just a composite?

0:32:230:32:26

No. You can never tell it's a marsh warbler by listening.

0:32:260:32:29

We can hear one.

0:32:290:32:31

MARSH WARBLER SINGS

0:32:310:32:34

We might have a bird expert in saying, "Ah, it is imitating the..."

0:32:340:32:38

If you got a marsh warbler in and you just played it...

0:32:380:32:42

Taylor Swift or something, would it start...?

0:32:420:32:44

LAUGHTER

0:32:440:32:46

Because that's your go-to thing, is it?

0:32:460:32:47

I've got a marsh warbler, I want to see what this can do.

0:32:470:32:50

-Let's get some Taylor Swift...

-LAUGHTER

0:32:500:32:53

Swift, oddly enough, great birdies.

0:32:530:32:56

Taylor Swallow.

0:32:560:32:58

BILL CHUCKLES

0:32:580:33:01

LAUGHTER

0:33:010:33:03

No, you're going into dangerous territory there.

0:33:030:33:07

Dear, oh, dear.

0:33:070:33:09

That's excellent.

0:33:090:33:11

"Taylor Swallow."

0:33:110:33:13

LAUGHTER

0:33:130:33:14

I'm going to play you a bird song right now...

0:33:140:33:18

I had a dream about that the other night.

0:33:180:33:20

LAUGHTER

0:33:200:33:23

-No need.

-I'm going to play you a bird song.

0:33:230:33:25

-BILL:

-No need for that.

0:33:250:33:27

BIRD SONG What's this?

0:33:270:33:29

BIRD SONG

0:33:290:33:32

"Help me. Help me!

0:33:320:33:35

"He's shaving me again."

0:33:350:33:37

LAUGHTER

0:33:370:33:38

-So, we've got it over there.

-"You can't park here."

0:33:380:33:41

That quite close, "Can't park."

0:33:410:33:43

-Illegal item in the bagging area.

-Morepork!

0:33:430:33:45

-Got it. Morepork!

-Morepork.

-Morepork.

0:33:450:33:48

There it is on the left.

0:33:480:33:49

It's also a Tasmanian owl but it's called a morepork.

0:33:490:33:53

-I thought you had just translated what that meant.

-Yeah.

0:33:530:33:56

LAUGHTER

0:33:560:33:57

He said, "More pork." Correct. He's asking for more pork.

0:33:570:34:01

-He's asking for more pork. Yes.

-LAUGHTER

0:34:010:34:03

And we've heard the marsh warbler.

0:34:030:34:06

The monotonous lark is so-called cos it's monotonous.

0:34:060:34:08

A monotonous lark.

0:34:080:34:10

"Come on, we're going on a monotonous lark."

0:34:100:34:12

-LAUGHTER

-"We're going on a narrow-boat holiday in Norfolk."

0:34:120:34:16

LAUGHTER

0:34:160:34:18

THAT is a monotonous lark.

0:34:180:34:21

I went on one of those.

0:34:210:34:23

"Oh, that'll will be fun. Let's go on a narrow-boat holiday,"

0:34:230:34:26

and everyone was taking turns doing the engine.

0:34:260:34:28

Cut to a couple of miles later,

0:34:280:34:30

everyone downstairs drinking wine. Me upstairs...

0:34:300:34:33

HE MIMICS ENGINE

0:34:330:34:36

..for three days.

0:34:360:34:38

Three days like that...

0:34:380:34:40

HE MIMICS ENGINE

0:34:400:34:42

"Do you want a glass of wine, Bill?"

0:34:420:34:44

"No, no, I'm fine up here. I'll be fine."

0:34:440:34:46

-HE MIMICS ENGINE

-Worst weekend of my life.

0:34:460:34:49

I just want you to know that nothing involving Norfolk is ever monotonous.

0:34:500:34:53

LAUGHTER

0:34:530:34:55

-The marabou stork...

-Oh, yeah.

0:34:550:34:57

..is often given the label,

0:34:570:34:59

"the ugliest bird in the animal kingdom..."

0:34:590:35:01

-That's not fair.

-OK, name an uglier one.

0:35:010:35:04

-All right.

-Don't make me say it.

0:35:040:35:07

No! LAUGHTER

0:35:070:35:10

-Edwina Currie.

-Oh!

0:35:100:35:13

Avian...

0:35:130:35:15

One of the reasons it's considered so ugly is...

0:35:150:35:17

SUE LAUGHS

0:35:170:35:19

Edwina Currie, really? I wouldn't have gone straight there.

0:35:190:35:24

-It was a good choice, wasn't it? I went through a couple.

-It was safer.

0:35:240:35:28

It was like you had it...

0:35:280:35:29

"Don't make me say it - Edwina Currie."

0:35:290:35:31

And I DIDN'T make you say that.

0:35:320:35:35

The reason the marabou stork is considered so ugly, perhaps,

0:35:350:35:38

is not just its appearance. It's because of its behaviour.

0:35:380:35:41

It's peevish.

0:35:410:35:43

Well, it squirts its excrement onto its legs,

0:35:430:35:46

such that... They are black,

0:35:460:35:47

but they become white because they get dried on, caked on...

0:35:470:35:50

That's laziness, isn't it?

0:35:500:35:52

If Montgomery Burns, from The Simpsons, was a bird...

0:35:520:35:56

-That would be! You're right.

-That would be it, yeah.

0:35:560:35:58

It dumps on its own leg...

0:35:580:36:00

-AS MR BURNS:

-Poo on my legs, excellent.

0:36:000:36:02

LAUGHTER

0:36:020:36:04

They'll eat just about any creature, living or dead,

0:36:040:36:07

along with faeces, scraps, carrion,

0:36:070:36:08

human rubbish including shoes and pieces of metal.

0:36:080:36:11

They're pretty dodgy creatures.

0:36:110:36:13

LAUGHTER

0:36:130:36:14

Marsh warblers just make it up as they go along.

0:36:140:36:17

ALAN LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY

0:36:170:36:18

Now for a question about metamor...

0:36:180:36:20

LAUGHTER

0:36:200:36:22

What happened while I was reading...?

0:36:220:36:24

I had my back turned to you and I was looking at the blackboard.

0:36:240:36:27

Honestly, sir. Nothing, sir.

0:36:270:36:29

No, sir, Davies showed me a picture of a penis, sir.

0:36:290:36:32

LAUGHTER

0:36:320:36:34

-He showed me that, sir.

-Sir, sir.

0:36:340:36:36

-That is not a penis.

-Sir, sir, look at Bailey's drawing of a penis, sir.

0:36:360:36:39

I never drew a thing, sir.

0:36:390:36:41

What's wrong with his penis if he draws one like that, sir?!

0:36:410:36:43

He drew a penis on the world.

0:36:430:36:45

He drew a penis on the world!

0:36:450:36:47

That's got... That's illegal, isn't it?

0:36:470:36:50

LAUGHTER

0:36:500:36:51

Oh, Lord.

0:36:510:36:52

LAUGHTER

0:36:520:36:55

Now it's time to stumble blindly into the morass of General Ignorance.

0:36:550:36:58

Fingers on buzzers. All right.

0:36:580:37:00

Where does a mosquito go to concentrate?

0:37:000:37:03

SQUAWK Yes, Bill.

0:37:030:37:05

-A blood bank.

-LAUGHTER

0:37:050:37:08

Very good. APPLAUSE

0:37:080:37:10

-Library.

-Library? Oh, no, Sue! KLAXON BLARES

0:37:100:37:15

Of course, the word "concentrate" can mean different things

0:37:170:37:20

and we mean a concentrate...

0:37:200:37:22

-Where's the greatest concentration...

-Oh, I see.

0:37:220:37:25

..of mozzies? Where?

0:37:250:37:26

-A marsh.

-Near rivers and things.

0:37:260:37:28

-Yeah, well...

-Swamps.

-Where?

0:37:280:37:31

-Africa?

-KLAXON BLARES

0:37:310:37:34

Not Africa.

0:37:340:37:35

Scotland. Mediterranean.

0:37:380:37:40

Loads of midges in Scotland.

0:37:400:37:41

Midges, yes, but these are mosquitoes.

0:37:410:37:43

-Specifically mosquitoes.

-Portugal.

0:37:430:37:45

It's that quantity, you don't get that in Africa,

0:37:450:37:47

-you don't get that in...

-Where's that?

-..Panama,

0:37:470:37:49

you don't get that in south-east Asia.

0:37:490:37:51

You get that only in the Arctic.

0:37:510:37:52

Oh. The Arctic. Oh.

0:37:520:37:55

In Alaska and Manitoba.

0:37:550:37:56

Where there's virtually nothing alive with no blood anywhere.

0:37:560:37:59

I've never seen... I've been to Alaska lots

0:37:590:38:01

and never seen a mosquito.

0:38:010:38:02

-Well, you have to be there at...

-The right time.

0:38:020:38:04

Or wrong time, really, yeah.

0:38:040:38:06

There's the beauty that is Alaska,

0:38:060:38:08

and the standing pools of water

0:38:080:38:09

are perfect for mosquito breeding.

0:38:090:38:11

Yes, the densest concentrations of mosquitoes in the world

0:38:110:38:14

are in the Arctic.

0:38:140:38:16

Including all the animals,

0:38:160:38:18

on average, how many legs does an animal have?

0:38:180:38:21

What's the average number of legs that animals have?

0:38:210:38:23

-Oh, you... That's tough...

-All living things.

0:38:230:38:25

-..because you've got to balance...

-Three!

0:38:250:38:27

-..a millipede...

-KLAXON BLARES

0:38:270:38:30

LAUGHTER

0:38:300:38:31

My guess is that most numbers will be in the system.

0:38:310:38:35

LAUGHTER

0:38:350:38:36

APPLAUSE

0:38:380:38:39

I mean, there are billions of things like ants, aren't there?

0:38:440:38:48

There are. Insects. Gigantic. They have six.

0:38:480:38:51

That must bump the average right up.

0:38:510:38:52

There are huge numbers of mites and they all have eight.

0:38:520:38:55

And then you've got millipedes and centipedes.

0:38:550:38:57

-But lots of them have none.

-Worms have got none.

0:38:570:38:59

-Stick with that thought.

-So, worms have got no legs.

-Slugs have none.

0:38:590:39:02

One! One leg!

0:39:020:39:03

-That's it.

-That the closest we've got.

0:39:030:39:05

I'm afraid it's not... KLAXON BLARES

0:39:050:39:07

-LAUGHTER

-Is it no legs?

0:39:070:39:10

Well, it's... 0.01 is the average.

0:39:100:39:12

Because there's that many worms.

0:39:120:39:14

-Because...

-Is this cos of fish?

0:39:140:39:16

No, it's because of nematodes.

0:39:160:39:19

ALL: Oh.

0:39:190:39:20

Yeah, they're a sort of worm.

0:39:200:39:22

There are ten to the power of 22,

0:39:220:39:23

which is a vast number, on Earth.

0:39:230:39:25

What is that?!

0:39:250:39:26

100 times more than there are mites

0:39:260:39:28

and 1,000 times more than there are insects.

0:39:280:39:30

There's a parasitic nematode that lives in the human eye...

0:39:300:39:33

Oh! My God.

0:39:330:39:34

..and it can grow to seven centimetres long,

0:39:340:39:37

-which is...

-What?!

-..serious.

0:39:370:39:38

AUDIENCE GROAN Wahey!

0:39:380:39:41

-No, we don't want to see that.

-Come on.

0:39:410:39:42

How can you tell if you've got a nematode in your eye?

0:39:420:39:45

Would you feel it wriggling around?

0:39:450:39:46

Would it be wiggling...? Would you see it moving, for example?

0:39:460:39:49

-You'd hear it talking.

-If it's like that, a friend would see it.

0:39:490:39:53

A friend would say, "Oh, just a sec till I get the corner of my hanky,

0:39:530:39:56

"you've got an... enormous worm in your eye!"

0:39:560:39:58

LAUGHTER

0:40:010:40:02

-Yes. Hypocrite. First cast out the nematode in your eye.

-Yes.

0:40:050:40:10

Judge not that you be not judged.

0:40:100:40:13

Yes, so many animals are completely legless

0:40:130:40:15

that the overall average is about 100th of a leg each.

0:40:150:40:18

Finally, a question about macropods.

0:40:180:40:20

How many legs does a kangaroo have?

0:40:200:40:23

Oh, don't say any numbers.

0:40:230:40:25

Don't say any numbers.

0:40:250:40:26

LAUGHTER

0:40:260:40:30

Do you know my favourite bit in Toy Story?

0:40:300:40:32

-Go on.

-It's the dinosaur that's got little arms, right?

-Yeah.

0:40:320:40:36

And he doesn't want to see something -

0:40:360:40:37

something terrible is happening - and he goes,

0:40:370:40:39

"Somebody cover my eyes!"

0:40:390:40:41

LAUGHTER

0:40:410:40:44

That is a brilliant moment.

0:40:450:40:47

I love that bit.

0:40:470:40:49

Two. Two.

0:40:490:40:52

KLAXON BLARES

0:40:520:40:53

LAUGHTER

0:40:530:40:55

It won't be nought or four either.

0:40:550:40:58

"How many legs...?"

0:40:580:41:00

How many LEGS has it got?

0:41:000:41:02

2.5.

0:41:020:41:06

Well, you won't like this answer, but...

0:41:060:41:08

Simon Fraser University in Burnaby, Canada,

0:41:080:41:11

corralled red kangaroos through a chamber

0:41:110:41:13

which measured the downward forces.

0:41:130:41:15

They discovered that kangaroos put their front legs on the ground

0:41:150:41:18

and move their back legs forwards

0:41:180:41:20

at the same time as they push their tail onto the floor

0:41:200:41:23

and use it to propel themselves forward.

0:41:230:41:25

The team found that the amount of force from the tail

0:41:250:41:27

was as great as that from the other four limbs combined...

0:41:270:41:30

-So it's five?

-..making it effectively a fifth leg,

0:41:300:41:32

so not just a fifth leg, but the most important of the five.

0:41:320:41:35

Yeah.

0:41:350:41:36

It's a tail, though, isn't it?

0:41:360:41:38

It is a tail, but it's a kind of limb.

0:41:380:41:41

Well, if you'd said limbs...

0:41:410:41:42

# Hey hey, we're the Monkees. #

0:41:420:41:45

-Yes, sir?

-Five.

0:41:450:41:47

LAUGHTER

0:41:470:41:48

-No, no, you can't have that.

-No, he can't. He can't.

0:41:480:41:51

He can't have that.

0:41:510:41:53

Absolutely not.

0:41:530:41:55

Minus 5 for rank standing impertinence.

0:41:550:41:58

The point is, you could cut off - not that you should, obviously -

0:41:580:42:01

a kangaroo's forearms or arms

0:42:010:42:03

and it could get around perfectly happily

0:42:030:42:05

and you could cut off one of its rear legs and even

0:42:050:42:07

it could still hop and get around -

0:42:070:42:09

but if you cut off its tail, it couldn't...

0:42:090:42:11

-You'd be a sadistic bastard.

-LAUGHTER

0:42:110:42:13

Which scientist conducted that experiment?

0:42:130:42:15

LAUGHTER

0:42:150:42:17

Kangaroos have almost five legs above average,

0:42:170:42:19

which brings me to, miraculously, the scores.

0:42:190:42:23

-BILL:

-Oh, no.

-Oh, dear.

0:42:230:42:25

Oh, my good night.

0:42:250:42:26

Well, nobody managed to push through into a positive number, I'm afraid.

0:42:260:42:31

But our least successful on minus 28...

0:42:310:42:34

Aww.

0:42:340:42:35

I know why, and it's... Oh, Sue Perkins.

0:42:350:42:38

-SHE LAUGHS

-"I know why."

0:42:380:42:41

APPLAUSE

0:42:410:42:42

In third place, on minus 8, is Romesh.

0:42:460:42:49

Oh, yes! APPLAUSE

0:42:490:42:52

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

0:42:520:42:54

And please don't fall off these dizzy heights.

0:42:540:42:57

Alan Davies on minus 3. CHEERING

0:42:570:43:00

-APPLAUSE

-Pretty pleased with that.

0:43:000:43:04

And our super soaraway winner on minus 1 is Bill Bailey.

0:43:040:43:08

CHEERING

0:43:080:43:10

APPLAUSE

0:43:100:43:11

So, it's goodnight from Romesh, Sue, Bill, Alan and me.

0:43:170:43:21

You have been magnificent, and I want you to stay that way.

0:43:210:43:24

Many thanks, and goodnight.

0:43:240:43:25

APPLAUSE

0:43:250:43:27

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