Monster Mash QI XL


Monster Mash

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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Goo-oo-oo-ood evening.

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Good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI,

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where tonight we're doing the Monster Mash.

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Let's meet the nameless horrors that lurk in our monstrous shadows.

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The malformed Josh Widdicombe...

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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..the mutated Phill Jupitus...

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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..the misbegotten Sara Pascoe...

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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..and the complete monstrosity Alan Davies.

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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IN MENACING VOICE: Now, let's hear your scary noises.

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Sarah goes...

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WOMAN SCREAMS

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Josh goes...

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MONSTER GROWLS

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Phill goes...

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WOLF HOWLS

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And Alan goes... CHICKEN CLUCKS

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LAUGHTER

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Too terrible to contemplate.

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Let's start with a monster mix-and-match.

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Here are some cards you'll find under your desk.

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-The fronts and the backs.

-Oh!

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And we want you to see if you can make

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some kind of monster - and name it if you can.

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-Oh, right.

-Name it?

-Mm.

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-OK.

-You've got bottoms, Alan...

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-I'm a classic bottom.

-I'm a classic top.

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..and Josh has got tops.

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-What have you got there?

-Alan Davies has got gorgeous legs.

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-LAUGHTER

-Hey...

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What you've created there is a human.

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-I'd say it's borderline, Stephen.

-Too terrible to contemplate.

-Yeah.

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-Here we go, here we go, all right...

-OK, OK.

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-You don't know what I've put, then we'll look in a minute.

-OK.

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-Ooh.

-OK.

-There we go.

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Ah, a lionfish.

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Now, that's interesting, cos the lionfish does exist.

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Unlike the merlion that we have created...

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Ah, the merlion is a very good...

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..which would sing on the rocks by the coast of Africa

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and lure deer to their deaths.

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Well, Alan, there you've got an ant...

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An ant cow.

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Yeah, we've got the...

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Basically, what you've got there is

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an ungulate that will ruin a picnic.

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Well, we can go through some of these.

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-Certainly a lionfish exists.

-OK.

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There's a bounty on them, if you catch them in the Caribbean.

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They destroy the habitat - they're so successful

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there's almost nothing that can get them, and they can eat everything.

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-Try making one to order. See if you can make a Minotaur.

-OK.

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-Minotaur...

-Oh, Minotaur...

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-So, it's...

-Bull's head.

-Bull's head's on there.

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-Chap's bottom, isn't it? A Minotaur.

-Yeah.

-Rather than a lion?

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There we go.

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No-one's quite sure whether it should have...

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the human top with a bull's bottom, but...

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-We've made a Minotaur.

-Oh, yeah. He looks really muscly.

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That's not as scary as I thought it was going to be.

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-I'm going to say pop your cards away.

-Oh.

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I've just made a mermaid, Stephen.

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You've done a lovely mermaid - well done.

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That's definitely one that was available.

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There are all kinds of things available -

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the myrmecoleon, which is also known as a formicaleon.

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-This is a lion head and an ant body.

-What?!

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In medieval bestiaries, they were very sure that that existed.

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They held it to be bigger than an ant.

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Basically, it lived in a little pit and pulled in things.

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-How big was it?

-A bit like a large ant.

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Oh, like a large ant.

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I feel like someone who had a very low pain threshold is the person

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who was like, "No, promise you, it was a lion what bit me but it was very small.

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"It came out of a tiny hole."

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Yeah, well, they do exist, antlions. Americans call them doodlebugs.

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-They live in a pit and they pull in anything that falls in.

-Wow!

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Mermaids and mermen, obviously, are the human body with a fish tail.

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People think, you know, sailors fall in love with mermaids

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and how can they consummate their relationship? You know...

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-Fertilise the eggs, Stephen.

-Exactly, it's very simple.

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She lays her eggs on a rock or something

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and you fertilise them - what's the problem with that?

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The sailor has to sail back to his waters where he was spawned

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and take the mermaid with him.

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So, he has to go back to, I don't know, Dorking...

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Yes, that it might be.

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..find a pond, pop his new fishwife in there.

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-JOSH:

-Fishwife!

-She lays her eggs

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and then he has to be arrested for indecent public exposure

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at a boating pond.

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And one that you get points for because it does exist

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is the merlion.

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Yeah, which you came up with - a merlion -

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-which is the lion head and a fish tail.

-Yeah.

-Really?

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Yeah, the national symbol of Singapore.

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-Is it?

-Oh...thank you, Singapore.

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Yeah. They give you those points.

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-The hippocampus.

-Hippopotamus.

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Thank you for replying with another animal.

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LAUGHTER You're doing very well.

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Hip-po replacement.

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But...hippocampus is...

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The hipster campus is, it's...

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-runs coffee bars in Shoreditch...

-LAUGHTER

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..in a very effeminate way.

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Well, as you probably know,

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it's part of the brain, the hippocampus,

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but why is it called the hippocampus?

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-The shape of it.

-Is...?

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It's the shape of a seahorse.

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But a hippocampus, as a mythical beast,

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-had a horse front and a fish tail.

-Oh...

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And so did they think that before they found the seahorse

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or they thought there were two separate seahorses?

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No, there are seahorses in the Mediterranean, so I suppose...

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Let's find out sometime - not now.

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LAUGHTER

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That is surely the opposite of what this show is about.

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I panicked, all right? I just panicked.

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People love seahorses because

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it's the male who gestates the babies, isn't it, with seahorses?

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Which is always so lovely.

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I've dived amongst them and I was just shocked by how small they are.

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You must have...

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-They are tiny. Well, I've seen them in the London Aquariums.

-Oh, right.

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They have a very long thin tank that they go up and down -

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it's quite sweet.

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I assume that's what they want to do,

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-otherwise it feels a bit unfair.

-Would be cruel.

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They have to just go up and down.

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-They're very horse-like as well in the way they feed...

-They race.

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..they browse in the weeds.

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They browse in the weeds, looking...

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They have little stalls and they all get in.

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LAUGHTER At the races.

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There's always one that doesn't want to go and they have to take him off.

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So, no matter what monster you imagine,

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you can be pretty sure that someone else made it first.

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Here's a monster that someone made earlier,

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but what is it and what's it made from?

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-Oh....

-Oh, my gosh.

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-Is it carved?

-Mm...

-Is it made from bone?

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It's a type of mermaid that was very popular in the 19th century.

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-It's called a Fiji mermaid.

-Ooh...

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People would come from miles to see it.

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It was shown off at carnivals,

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and it was made from fish and household bits and pieces.

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For a long time, people thought it was made by

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the addition of a monkey's head with a fish.

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And this particular one was acquired by the Wellcome Collection in 1919,

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and then later by the fabulous Horniman Museum.

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-Do you know the Horniman Museum?

-Yeah, I live near there.

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-Do you?

-It's in Forest Hill. It's brilliant, yeah.

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It is an incredible place.

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A genuine museum of curiosities of the most fascinating kind.

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-I've been there too - it's great.

-It is good. It's a fine place.

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You just saying that cos I said I've been there?

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-LAUGHTER

-I go every week.

-Largely, yeah.

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Cos when you said you went to the aquarium, I didn't jump on it.

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Like, "Oh, yeah, I've been."

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I let you have your time in the sun.

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"Time in the sun."

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-When you say household bits and pieces...

-Yeah.

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..what, like...

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LAUGHTER

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..sticky-backed plastic?

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-Well...

-Fairy liquid bottle?

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You'd be surprised to know that recent CT scans

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and DNA tests have been done on this fellow, and they revealed

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that no monkeys were harmed in its making,

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but it is a fish and the rest is made from

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fabric of a wooden frame

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supporting a papier mache head

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-with a fish's jaw.

-Wow.

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So, kind of household. Papier mache is usually bits of newspaper

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or paper, isn't it, mashed up?

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-SARA GASPS

-Oh, wow!

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There we go.

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Now, look. You see, now...

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So, were they supposed to be scary creatures?

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It is quite scary.

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You can picture it scampering in your bedroom or something.

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They were a lot sexier once they added the hair and the shell bras.

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Exactly. But you'll be pleased to know that

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this is a result of the CT scans,

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which were made by the Horniman Museum for us,

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and Dr James Moffatt of St George's University in London

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translated the CT scan data into

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-this 3-D printing of the original.

-Wow!

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So, this is a 3-D printing.

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-Isn't it good?

-Yeah!

-Yeah, we like that.

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APPLAUSE

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And you can see how detailed it is.

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Even the little holes and flaws in the fish tail.

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Have you been to St George's Hospital?

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It's really excellent.

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LAUGHTER Now...

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I'm not going to play this game.

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Ergh! Ergh!

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I genuinely jumped.

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LAUGHTER

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You've seen them on Dartmoor, haven't you, Widdicombe?

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-What are your monsters called?

-We've got... On Dartmoor?

-Yeah.

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We've got the Hairy Hand. Are you aware of the Hairy Hand?

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-Which is a...

-No.

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-PHILL:

-You get it when you're about 15.

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LAUGHTER

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The Hairy Hand is a disembodied hand that would appear from nowhere

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-if you were driving along the B3021...

-Pissed.

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..and it would steer you off the road.

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-But there's...

-"Officer!"

-"Officer!"

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IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: "And it smelt of cider, didn't it?"

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"It dropped its pint on me, and then it drove me off the road."

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One of the people that claimed

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he'd been steered off the road by the Hairy Hand,

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he described it as invisible.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, bless him for trying.

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There's the old curse about the Monkey Wishing Hand,

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-which it seems is where that's coming from.

-Oh, yeah.

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What's that? What's that?

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It's a dead one of those.

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LAUGHTER

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What's that? What's that?

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What's that? What's that?

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It's a herd of those.

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I've got loads of them.

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APPLAUSE

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Now, the Horniman Museum,

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which gave us access to the original of this...

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Probably went there before Sara.

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..it was all arranged by a man who's in the audience tonight

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from the Horniman Museum,

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and it's Paolo Viscardi. Can you give us a wave?

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There you are. Thank you very much, Paolo.

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APPLAUSE

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Grazie.

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Who do you recognise more, me or Alan?

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-Who's been more often?

-Yeah.

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So, Jenny. Do you know about Jenny Haniver?

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No. Jenny Agutter.

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Jenny Agutter you know about? That's good.

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Let me add another Jenny to your list of Jennys.

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Let's see some pictures of Jenny Haniver.

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-Was she on the front of a boat?

-Whoa. Oh!

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Lord, that's Doctor Who.

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That's a box of props from Doctor Who.

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It does look like it, doesn't it?

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It's the Ku Klux Klams.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Can you guess what they are?

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-You burn one cross...

-Fish.

-They're fish.

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-They are flatfish.

-They're skates. Skate.

-Oh, skate.

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Rays or skates would be carved in these shapes -

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it was known as Jenny Hanivers.

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Mostly sailors from Antwerp who seemed to do this -

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it was their specialist art.

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Other sailors did scrimshaw, you know,

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and they did Jenny Haniver.

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Very odd, but they exist,

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and you can see that they exist, because they're there in a box.

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LAUGHTER

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Discarded, unwanted.

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The ones in the middle that look like they're wearing glasses

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-are the best ones.

-They are.

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If they started singing, you'd shit yourself.

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LAUGHTER

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# Doo-doo doo-doo dum... #

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HE SCREAMS

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Now, describe the mammoth moles of Siberia.

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-They're huge and they live underground.

-Right...

-Yeah. Next.

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-Consider the word mammoth.

-Woolly.

-Mammoth.

-Where is it from?

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-What language might it be from?

-Welsh.

-Russian?

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-No, but it's that... Almost...

-Cornish?

-Is it kind of Celtic?

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Baltic/Nordic. They consider themselves Nordic people.

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Norway.

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LAUGHTER

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They really, really ARE Nordic.

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These people, most people wouldn't think of them immediately as Nordic.

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-They'd think of them as Baltic.

-Latvia, Estonia...

-Yeah, Estonia.

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-Is it? OK.

-The wonderful country of Estonia.

-I've never been there.

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Sara, have you?

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LAUGHTER

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I've got a lifetime membership card.

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I can go for free as many times as I like.

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Lovely gardens.

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Well, they have a language that is very

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separate from the languages of their neighbours.

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It's Finno-Ugric. It's related to Finnish and Hungarian.

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And the word "mammoth" is one of the theirs and it means "earth mole".

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Does it?

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It means "earth mole".

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And the reason is that it was thought...

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When mammoths were discovered they were always underground,

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and they thought they lived underground and were killed

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by breathing air by coming up and maybe that's what killed them.

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And so that's why they got the name mammoth.

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But when were the last mammoths, do you think, in thousands of years?

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-1940s.

-Very cold.

-1940s!

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LAUGHTER

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-200,000 years ago.

-10,000 years ago.

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I would say three million years ago.

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It's more recent than you might think. It's 4,000 years ago.

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-Really?

-There was a herd of them in...

-Essex.

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..Wrangel Island in the Arctic.

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So when they were there in a herd the Great Pyramid of Cheops

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-was already 1,000 years old.

-So it was civilisation?

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-So they overlapped with man, very much so, yeah.

-Wow.

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But there is a company called Revive and Restore

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that is looking to re-introduce mammoths.

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They think they can take some genes,

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do some gene juggling with Asian elephants and create a mammoth.

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It's a very extraordinary thought.

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Aw! Bless. Asian elephants with the small ears.

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Yes, just before they have their genes juggled.

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"Aw! Come into the lab now. I've just got to cut your ovaries open."

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It's genome editing is what they call it.

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We're hoping they would need to live in the tundra

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and one of the reasons we hope that is that they'll reintroduce

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certain grasses, the way they eat and the way they move.

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They move the seeds around.

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Yeah, and the permafrost there where they used to roam is really,

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really beneficial to the environment.

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It contains two to three times as much carbon as the world's rainforests.

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-That would be amazing.

-Yeah.

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That could be good aside from the fact it would be delightful to think of them anyway.

0:14:590:15:03

If they're free and out on the tundra that's amazing.

0:15:030:15:05

I thought they would just be breeding them to put them in captivity,

0:15:050:15:08

so we could go, "Oh, you're back."

0:15:080:15:09

They're going to put them in one of those tubes like the London Aquarium.

0:15:090:15:13

They could swim up and down.

0:15:130:15:14

No, there's a man called Sergey Zimov who has created

0:15:140:15:18

an experimental preserve in Siberia that he's called Pleistocene Park.

0:15:180:15:21

-Wow.

-So could you do that with other...?

0:15:210:15:24

Is it possible that this will become a thing that will happen?

0:15:240:15:27

-T Rex.

-I guess it is, yeah.

0:15:270:15:28

I think it's a question of when rather than if.

0:15:280:15:30

I think it would be a foolish person to say it could never happen.

0:15:300:15:33

If there's human will behind it,

0:15:330:15:35

and it's not illegal, and it's not...

0:15:350:15:36

Maybe not velociraptors.

0:15:360:15:38

No, we've got a warning there

0:15:380:15:40

-cos you see what they do in a kitchen.

-Yeah.

0:15:400:15:42

-Less bother in a kitchen than Gordon Ramsay.

-Well, that's true.

0:15:420:15:47

-JOSH:

-Do you reckon in 4,000 years they'll be trying to recreate Gordon Ramsay?

0:15:470:15:52

-PHILL:

-Wow!

-JOSH:

-For a dare.

0:15:530:15:55

-They'll think...

-PHILL:

-Imagine herds of them

0:15:550:15:57

sweeping across. Hear their cry.

0:15:570:15:59

"Fuck!"

0:15:590:16:00

"Why don't you grow some balls?"

0:16:020:16:04

"What's this? It's a stupid person sandwich."

0:16:040:16:08

Lawks!

0:16:080:16:09

Now, what kind of animal does this skull belong to?

0:16:090:16:14

-Toothy.

-Well...

-He's very toothy.

-..looks dinosaur-y to me.

0:16:140:16:18

Well, you can certainly tell that it's not herbivore,

0:16:180:16:21

it's not vegetarian, can't you?

0:16:210:16:23

-Is it...a killer rabbit?

-Sabre-toothed tiger?

0:16:230:16:25

Is it a sabre-toothed tiger?

0:16:250:16:27

-No, it's a bit smaller than that.

-Is it a tiny mouse?

0:16:270:16:30

LAUGHTER It's a little bit bigger than that.

0:16:300:16:33

It's a species we've mentioned already...

0:16:330:16:37

-Is it a mole?

-It's a mole!

-A mole! Is it?

0:16:370:16:39

That's a mole. Well done.

0:16:390:16:40

APPLAUSE Well done.

0:16:400:16:43

The species, not surprisingly, is called the star-nosed mole, and...

0:16:450:16:49

It looks like that guy from Futurama, doesn't it?

0:16:490:16:51

-It does. Zoidberg.

-Zoidberg.

-Yeah.

0:16:510:16:54

IMITATES ZOIDBERG: Well, when you look like Zoidberg...

0:16:540:16:56

LAUGHTER

0:16:560:16:58

It's a wonderful mole.

0:17:000:17:02

They live underground, and we don't have much to do with them,

0:17:020:17:04

but they're equipped with special powers.

0:17:040:17:06

For example, they can smell in stereo,

0:17:060:17:09

so they can tell when something is coming, from which direction.

0:17:090:17:12

So they'd be very useful in a lift, wouldn't they?

0:17:120:17:14

They'd be able to say, "It was you. It was you.

0:17:140:17:17

"Don't lie - it was you."

0:17:170:17:19

And they have toxins with which they paralyse

0:17:190:17:21

and stun the worms that they eat.

0:17:210:17:23

Why would they want to do that if they've got the worm anyway?

0:17:230:17:26

-So they can eat it later.

-So they can eat it later.

0:17:260:17:28

-So they find it and go...

-They have larders.

0:17:280:17:30

-.."tasty, but lunchtime."

-Exactly. Deferred pleasure.

0:17:300:17:33

-Pop it in their larder.

-Eurgh...

0:17:330:17:35

-But they're...

-That's amazing.

-PHILL:

-Christ!

0:17:350:17:38

Yeah. They need a lot of sustenance because they do a lot of work.

0:17:380:17:42

They do extraordinary tunnelling.

0:17:420:17:44

They can dig 150 feet of new tunnels a day.

0:17:440:17:47

Now, given their size and weight

0:17:470:17:49

that is the equivalent of a human moving four tonnes -

0:17:490:17:53

about 1,000 shovel loads - every 20 minutes.

0:17:530:17:56

Why didn't we get them to do the Channel Tunnel?

0:17:560:17:58

-LAUGHTER

-It would've been amazing - and cute.

0:17:580:18:02

Yeah, about 400 of them - Crossrail, done in a fortnight.

0:18:020:18:06

-LAUGHTER

-We're missing something. Huh?

0:18:060:18:09

APPLAUSE

0:18:090:18:10

They're very territorial and solitary, though,

0:18:130:18:16

and the females mate...

0:18:160:18:18

and as soon as they've mated, germinated, ovulated, whatever things females do,

0:18:180:18:21

erm...

0:18:210:18:23

LAUGHTER

0:18:230:18:24

It's complicated!

0:18:240:18:26

It's complicated.

0:18:260:18:27

Once they've done that,

0:18:270:18:29

their gonads then put out enormous quantities of testosterone,

0:18:290:18:33

-so that they become very aggressive and territorial.

-That's amazing.

0:18:330:18:37

And they then go back to a solitary life like a male. So they become sort of male.

0:18:370:18:41

-Did you know that hyenas... female hyenas have penises...

-Yes.

0:18:410:18:44

..that they have to give birth through.

0:18:440:18:46

-Ooh...

-Yes.

0:18:460:18:48

-Oh, an audible gasp!

-They're fake penises, though...

0:18:480:18:50

-What ARE they laughing at?!

-They're not real penises.

-They don't work like one.

0:18:500:18:54

HE CACKLES LIKE A HYENA

0:18:540:18:55

LAUGHTER

0:18:550:18:57

So their body has to basically put them to sleep to give birth,

0:18:570:19:01

-they have to release so many relaxants to be able to do it.

-Oh...

0:19:010:19:04

-I know. Incredible. Isn't that amazing, though?

-Yeah. Phenomenal.

0:19:040:19:08

Anyway, now, name all the members of the Monstrous Regiment of Women.

0:19:080:19:13

Beryl?

0:19:140:19:15

-Linda...

-Jean.

0:19:160:19:18

-..Shirley.

-Angry Sue.

0:19:180:19:21

-LAUGHTER

-She's the leader.

0:19:210:19:23

Have you heard of The Monstrous Regiment Of Women?

0:19:230:19:26

-The First Blast Of The Trumpet Against The Monstrous...

-Oh!

0:19:260:19:30

-John Knox.

-Yes, John Knox. I knew you would've...

0:19:300:19:32

The First Blast Of The Trumpet Against

0:19:320:19:34

The "Monstrous", notice, Regiment Of Women.

0:19:340:19:36

So, I've read that, and it's bad that I couldn't remember

0:19:360:19:39

the Monstrous Regiment... It seems like it's kind of the main part.

0:19:390:19:42

-LAUGHTER

-It seems like...

0:19:420:19:44

Actually, what it is is a slight change in the language,

0:19:440:19:46

and "monstrous" doesn't mean "monstrous" as we would say it -

0:19:460:19:49

-it means unnatural.

-Mm.

0:19:490:19:51

And "regiment" doesn't mean

0:19:510:19:54

the whole load of them marching on, these women -

0:19:540:19:56

-it means "regime".

-Right.

0:19:560:19:59

And he was a Protestant,

0:19:590:20:01

and he was angry at the fact

0:20:010:20:02

there were two Catholic women on the thrones...

0:20:020:20:05

-Oh, of course.

-..of England. Who might they have been?

-Mary...

0:20:050:20:08

Which Mary? They were both called Mary.

0:20:080:20:11

-The Two Marys...

-The Two Marys.

0:20:110:20:12

LAUGHTER Exactly.

0:20:120:20:14

This has now turned into a story from the Bunty - The Two Marys.

0:20:140:20:17

-There was our Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary - Mary Tudor.

-Yeah.

0:20:170:20:21

The one who burned the Protestants.

0:20:210:20:23

And in Scotland, it wasn't Mary Queen of Scots,

0:20:230:20:27

it was her regent, who was Mary of Guise.

0:20:270:20:31

-Cheery bunch.

-Yeah, a cheery bunch.

0:20:310:20:32

-I feel like that's the same Mary in different outfits.

-Yeah.

0:20:320:20:36

You know when they do, like, those style challenges on This Morning

0:20:360:20:39

-and it's before and after?

-It is, isn't it?

0:20:390:20:42

"She used to just wear monochrome, but look at her now!"

0:20:420:20:44

LAUGHTER

0:20:440:20:46

So, Knox, who was a very keen Protestant,

0:20:470:20:50

didn't like these women on the throne.

0:20:500:20:52

He was angry about it and wrote this thing.

0:20:520:20:54

But on the subject of Mary Queen of Scots,

0:20:540:20:56

do you remember who her husband was, by any chance?

0:20:560:20:59

Darnley, his name was, her husband.

0:20:590:21:02

He was murdered. He was actually blown up.

0:21:020:21:05

This is a very extraordinary story.

0:21:050:21:07

One of the presumed architects of the explosion

0:21:070:21:09

was a fellow called Archibald Douglas -

0:21:090:21:11

a pair of his shoes were found at the scene of the crime.

0:21:110:21:14

ALAN GIGGLES

0:21:140:21:15

"Where's your shoes, Archibald?"

0:21:150:21:17

-LAUGHTER

-"Oh!"

0:21:170:21:19

-You've always got to take your shoes off before a dynamiting.

-He got away with it.

0:21:210:21:24

But he later gave an account of Mary's reaction.

0:21:240:21:27

-So, this is Mary, her husband has been blown up.

-Mm-hm.

0:21:270:21:30

"She sent for a number of light ladies and women

0:21:300:21:34

"to come to Holyroodhouse

0:21:340:21:36

"and participate stark naked in a ball."

0:21:360:21:41

"Then they had cut off their pubic hair

0:21:410:21:44

"and had put it in puddings to be eaten by the male guests,

0:21:440:21:49

"who were sick."

0:21:490:21:50

LAUGHTER

0:21:500:21:52

Is that what you do when your husband's blown up?

0:21:520:21:54

Was she just trying to, you know, like,

0:21:540:21:57

trying to get back to normal life?

0:21:570:21:58

LAUGHTER

0:21:580:22:00

-"Let's just carry on as we were."

-That's right.

0:22:000:22:03

"Get your pubes and put them in that pie."

0:22:030:22:05

"It's what he would have wanted." LAUGHTER

0:22:050:22:08

Actually, I think this might be quite clever.

0:22:080:22:10

Probably, if your partner is killed in a horrific way,

0:22:100:22:12

all anyone is ever going to talk to you about is,

0:22:120:22:14

"Aw, what happened to your husband?"

0:22:140:22:16

But now, no - "Why did you have that pube party?"

0:22:160:22:19

What? Why? Are you joking?

0:22:200:22:24

It's all the detail we have.

0:22:240:22:25

"Two things, Mary - number one, condolences. Number two..."

0:22:250:22:28

It's all the detail we have, sadly,

0:22:280:22:29

but the actual person who took the rap for the murder -

0:22:290:22:32

he was hanged, drawn and quartered

0:22:320:22:34

on the basis that he was the one who discovered the scene,

0:22:340:22:36

which seems a bit unfair -

0:22:360:22:38

his name was William Blackadder.

0:22:380:22:39

Oh...

0:22:390:22:41

HE IMPERSONATES GENERAL MELCHETT: It's true.

0:22:410:22:43

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:430:22:45

Oh, stop it. Don't.

0:22:450:22:47

There you are.

0:22:490:22:50

The Monstrous Regiment Of Women was just a couple of Marys.

0:22:500:22:53

Which is nastier -

0:22:530:22:54

a Foetid Parachute or a Hairy Nuts Disco?

0:22:540:22:59

-OK...

-I'll tell you who doesn't like a hairy nuts disco - Mary.

0:22:590:23:03

LAUGHTER Exactly. It's so true.

0:23:030:23:06

Presumably, she has that sort of in bowls...

0:23:060:23:09

You have hairy nuts as a sort of amuse-bouche.

0:23:100:23:13

Basically that would be a party

0:23:130:23:15

-with people just walking around, going...

-HE RETCHES

0:23:150:23:19

HE CONTINUES TO RETCH

0:23:210:23:23

Making a PUBIC nuisance of yourself. LAUGHTER

0:23:230:23:26

They ARE cocktails?

0:23:260:23:28

-Are these cocktails?

-They're not cocktails.

0:23:280:23:30

They look exactly as if they would be...

0:23:300:23:32

In Japan, there is a disco where the women don't wear underwear

0:23:320:23:36

and they are on a floor above, and it's glass,

0:23:360:23:40

and they dance and the men pay more to be underneath.

0:23:400:23:42

And I was telling my friend this and she went,

0:23:420:23:44

"They couldn't do it with men cos it would look like everyone was waving at you."

0:23:440:23:48

LAUGHTER

0:23:480:23:50

Isn't that romantic - people like, "Oh... Don't worry."

0:23:500:23:52

"No, no, it's OK, carry on."

0:23:520:23:54

Foetid Parachute might be a slight clue

0:23:540:23:56

inasmuch as the shape of a parachute might be.

0:23:560:23:59

-JOSH:

-Oh!

-Oh, jellyfish!

-Jellyfish!

0:23:590:24:01

-That's the one thing it could've been...

-Mushrooms!

0:24:010:24:04

..the other one is mushrooms. Yeah, these are fungi or fun-gee.

0:24:040:24:08

Extraordinary names for new species that occur all the time,

0:24:080:24:11

and there are some incredible names.

0:24:110:24:13

Pink Disco - that's normal and nice.

0:24:130:24:16

Greasy Bracket...

0:24:160:24:18

"Punched him in the greasy bracket." I don't know.

0:24:180:24:20

Powdery Piggyback.

0:24:200:24:22

IN A MENACING VOICE: Shall we play powdery piggyback?

0:24:220:24:25

White Brain, Jelly Ear, Verdigris Navel,

0:24:250:24:29

LAUGHING: Fragrant Funnel...

0:24:290:24:31

I'm sorry. I'm sorry! LAUGHTER

0:24:310:24:33

Cinnamon Jellybaby, Witches' Butter, Slimy Earth Tongue.

0:24:330:24:37

Alan Rickman's Fridge Gunk. Let's just start making up mushroom names.

0:24:370:24:41

These are also all bands that have had a John Peel session as well.

0:24:410:24:45

Hot Lips, Twisted Deceiver...

0:24:450:24:48

Barbara Cartland's Shoe Tree.

0:24:480:24:50

..Bog Cannon, Gassy Night...

0:24:500:24:54

-JOSH:

-I've had one of them.

-..and the Hairy Nuts Disco.

0:24:540:24:56

So how often are they finding new fungi?

0:24:560:24:59

Amazingly, amazingly. Let me tell you a remarkable story.

0:24:590:25:01

This is in September 2014 - not very long ago.

0:25:010:25:04

A couple of mycologists -

0:25:040:25:05

as they call fungus experts - from Kew Gardens

0:25:050:25:08

analysed the DNA of a supermarket packet of porcini mushrooms.

0:25:080:25:14

They found three species unknown to science.

0:25:140:25:17

LAUGHTER Perfectly edible...

0:25:170:25:21

Was there any horse in it?

0:25:210:25:22

LAUGHTER

0:25:220:25:25

The scientists named them in Latin

0:25:250:25:27

White Beef Liver, Delicious cattle Liver Fungus and Edible.

0:25:270:25:31

Wow.

0:25:310:25:32

Do you know, the worst thing is throughout that I was thinking,

0:25:320:25:35

"I wonder who's been to Kew Gardens more - Sara or Alan?"

0:25:350:25:38

LAUGHTER

0:25:380:25:40

So in terms of fungi as a whole, 1,200 new species are added a year.

0:25:400:25:44

-Wow.

-1,200 a year?

-Amazing, isn't it?

0:25:440:25:46

-They may account for up to 25% of the Earth's biomass.

-Wow.

0:25:460:25:51

-So are they really adaptive? Is that's what's happening?

-Very.

0:25:510:25:54

-And can be aggressive - that's why we've...

-Like moles!

0:25:540:25:56

-We should get them in a fight.

-Yes!

0:25:560:25:59

-Mushrooms versus moles!

-LAUGHTER

0:25:590:26:01

They can be very aggressive. Although they don't exactly move,

0:26:010:26:04

they do spread themselves huge distances underground.

0:26:040:26:06

I still think I could beat one in a fight.

0:26:060:26:09

-Some would beat you in a fight if you tried to EAT them.

-Yes...

0:26:110:26:14

which is how I fight.

0:26:140:26:15

LAUGHTER

0:26:150:26:18

Well, there you are, you see?

0:26:180:26:20

The Trichoderma fungus bumps into another species

0:26:200:26:23

and grasps it with its hyphae, its thin tubes,

0:26:230:26:26

and squeezes the food out of it.

0:26:260:26:28

So it basically takes the food from another species.

0:26:280:26:31

"Meanwhile, in the Swan Vesta reject room...!

0:26:310:26:34

LAUGHTER

0:26:340:26:36

Other fungi launch gas warfare -

0:26:360:26:38

the Sulphur Tuft produces chemical agents...

0:26:380:26:41

Chemical warfare?!

0:26:410:26:42

-Yeah. Against each other.

-Oh, my God.

-Yeah.

0:26:420:26:45

Mushrooms are quite small. They used to be huge.

0:26:450:26:48

They used to be the biggest kinds of non-animal there were.

0:26:480:26:51

When trees and plants were just three foot tall,

0:26:510:26:54

they were much, much bigger - and much more phallic.

0:26:540:26:56

-Really?

-Apparently.

0:26:560:26:58

Planet of the Cocks.

0:26:580:27:00

LAUGHTER

0:27:000:27:02

Anyway, if Frankenstein's Monster came to dinner,

0:27:020:27:05

what would you give him to eat?

0:27:050:27:07

Electricity, I would give him.

0:27:070:27:09

Electricity? To keep him alive?

0:27:090:27:12

That's what he was brought to life with,

0:27:120:27:13

so that's what I would feed him.

0:27:130:27:15

Just finger in the plug socket, or...

0:27:150:27:18

-JOSH:

-Have you got an adaptor?

0:27:180:27:22

In the novel, Frankenstein, Or The Modern Prometheus,

0:27:220:27:25

the Monster speaks and is intelligent, and brave, and kind.

0:27:250:27:29

And also eats.

0:27:290:27:32

-Who wrote it?

-Mary Shelley.

0:27:320:27:34

-Mary Shelley, who was the wife of...

-She was very, very young...

0:27:340:27:37

-Percy.

-Percy Shelley.

-..when she wrote it.

0:27:370:27:39

She was young. Percy Shelley and she were two of the most

0:27:390:27:42

notable pioneering vegetarians.

0:27:420:27:45

Ahh.

0:27:450:27:46

And they wanted to express that feeling in the creature,

0:27:460:27:50

in the Monster, as it's called.

0:27:500:27:52

A simple humble diet of carrots, vegetables,

0:27:520:27:56

and gallons of laudanum.

0:27:560:27:58

So Frankenstein's Monster didn't eat any meat?

0:27:590:28:01

He actually has a speech in the novel,

0:28:010:28:03

"My food is not that of Man.

0:28:030:28:05

"I do not destroy the lamb and the kid to glut my appetite.

0:28:050:28:09

"Acorns and berries accord me sufficient nourishment."

0:28:090:28:12

-Aw, that's amazing.

-He could do better than acorns and berries.

0:28:120:28:14

He could have a quiche, for example.

0:28:140:28:16

LAUGHTER

0:28:160:28:17

It's weird to think of Frankenstein's Monster having that in common with Piglet.

0:28:170:28:21

"I like haycorns."

0:28:210:28:24

But that's how we know he was such a kind, empathetic character.

0:28:240:28:28

Because he lived with a bear.

0:28:280:28:29

I was talking about Frankenstein's Monster.

0:28:290:28:31

LAUGHTER

0:28:310:28:34

When Shelley died... Do you know how Shelley died? He was very young,

0:28:340:28:36

-as Keats was.

-On a boat?

-He died in Italy, didn't he?

0:28:360:28:39

-On a boat, quite right.

-I was right, yeah.

0:28:390:28:41

It sank, the Arial, and his friend, Captain John Trelawny,

0:28:410:28:44

scoured the Italian coast to find his body.

0:28:440:28:46

And when they burnt his body at the cremation,

0:28:460:28:49

the heart seemed to stay whole, and so Trelawny grabbed it,

0:28:490:28:53

pulled it out, burned his hand terribly,

0:28:530:28:54

and gave the heart to Mary, who kept it for 30 years.

0:28:540:28:58

Some people now think it was probably the liver, not the heart,

0:28:580:29:01

and it... Who knows? But it's rather touching.

0:29:010:29:04

Byron's liver would have gone off like a bomb.

0:29:040:29:06

LAUGHTER

0:29:060:29:08

Right, yeah, Frankenstein's Monster was a vegetarian, fair play to him.

0:29:100:29:14

Alan, what horrors are under your bed

0:29:140:29:16

and how can you get rid of them?

0:29:160:29:18

LAUGHTER

0:29:190:29:21

Be honest with us. Share.

0:29:220:29:24

Don't over share, but just share enough.

0:29:240:29:26

The Bogeyman, everyone's always scared of.

0:29:260:29:28

The Bogeyman. And how do you get rid of it?

0:29:280:29:30

Is there a way?

0:29:300:29:33

Er, fire. Burn him, smoke him out.

0:29:330:29:35

LAUGHTER

0:29:350:29:37

A futon.

0:29:370:29:38

LAUGHTER

0:29:380:29:40

Well, there is...

0:29:400:29:42

Yeah, we have a divan base with drawers.

0:29:420:29:45

No Bogeyman.

0:29:460:29:48

The point is you can buy a spray that you tell your child

0:29:480:29:52

will get rid of the Bogeyman.

0:29:520:29:54

-Oh, really.

-Great, lies in a can.

0:29:540:29:56

So, yeah, you can get the spray.

0:29:560:29:57

And we've got some, I think it's under there somewhere.

0:29:570:30:00

You can spray away the monsters.

0:30:000:30:02

Yours is... LOUD HONK

0:30:020:30:03

Yes, that's the loud... That's another way.

0:30:030:30:05

What if you like monsters?

0:30:050:30:07

-If you like them, don't...

-I'm not going to.

0:30:070:30:09

-You like monsters?

-I think I'm open to them.

0:30:090:30:12

I remember being a bit afraid of what was down the bottom of the bed.

0:30:130:30:16

Indeed, and there are evolutionary psychologists

0:30:160:30:19

who believe that the child's resistance to bed

0:30:190:30:22

is actually very sensible

0:30:220:30:24

and is part of the in-built thing of not wanting to sleep

0:30:240:30:27

alone in the dark where there are genuine monsters,

0:30:270:30:30

animals and all kinds of things, and it's been inherited.

0:30:300:30:33

But in Hungary, they have a monster which is most peculiar.

0:30:330:30:37

It's called Rezfaszu bagoly,

0:30:370:30:38

though I'm sure it's not pronounced like that.

0:30:380:30:40

But what it means, in English, is "the copper-penised owl."

0:30:400:30:44

-He is a giant owl...

-I'm glad you've shown me his face.

0:30:440:30:48

LAUGHTER

0:30:480:30:50

He's a giant owl and he has a copper penis,

0:30:500:30:52

-and he'll get you...

-When you say "copper penis"...

0:30:520:30:54

-Yeah, I mean a penis made of copper.

-Thank you.

0:30:540:30:56

Not a tiny policeman with balls.

0:30:560:30:58

LAUGHTER

0:30:580:31:00

That would be scary, though.

0:31:000:31:01

"Evenin', all."

0:31:010:31:03

The really scary part is he's a threat to children, this creature.

0:31:030:31:06

-Oh.

-That's the point.

0:31:060:31:08

This is what's disturbing, is that the copper-penised owl

0:31:080:31:11

will get you if you don't do what your mother tells you.

0:31:110:31:14

What does it mean, "get you"?

0:31:140:31:16

Oh, my gosh.

0:31:160:31:17

What sort of mother would say that to a child?

0:31:170:31:20

If you don't behave, the copper-penised owl

0:31:200:31:23

will come and get you.

0:31:230:31:25

Imagine that, you're lying in bed at night and you hear...

0:31:250:31:27

IMITATES OWL

0:31:270:31:29

LAUGHTER

0:31:290:31:31

Oh, my God, it's tarnished!

0:31:310:31:33

There is some research to show that people who play

0:31:330:31:36

a lot of computer games

0:31:360:31:38

can sometimes develop the ability to take control of their nightmares

0:31:380:31:41

and fight back within them.

0:31:410:31:43

-Wow.

-Yeah, it's rather good, isn't it?

0:31:430:31:44

Take it to the next level.

0:31:440:31:46

Take it to the next level.

0:31:460:31:48

Now, how do you keep a blue man happy?

0:31:480:31:51

I once auditioned for the Blue Man Group.

0:31:540:31:56

-Did you?

-I auditioned for everything that was in The Stage,

0:31:560:32:00

which is a newspaper for out-of-work actors,

0:32:000:32:03

and I did not read that advert properly.

0:32:030:32:05

And not only do you need to be a man to be in the Blue Man Group,

0:32:050:32:08

but you also need to be over 6'5".

0:32:080:32:10

-Seriously?

-And I was in the queue thinking...

0:32:100:32:12

"I think I've got this."

0:32:120:32:14

"I'm really special amongst all these people."

0:32:150:32:18

So is it... What is the Blue Man Group?

0:32:180:32:20

-Like that, completely painted blue.

-They're a huge success,

0:32:200:32:23

-enormous.

-There they are!

0:32:230:32:25

-They started in New York.

-I didn't get it, if anyone was wondering.

0:32:250:32:28

They have five running just in the United States.

0:32:280:32:31

And whenever you're in any city in the world, you see

0:32:310:32:34

a poster for the Blue Man Group.

0:32:340:32:36

-Tourist fodder, because they're not dependent on language.

-Exactly.

0:32:360:32:39

That's a very good point.

0:32:390:32:41

But these blue men are monsters in the world that we're in.

0:32:410:32:45

Not the Smurfs, then.

0:32:450:32:46

These are the Blue Men of the Minch,

0:32:470:32:50

Between the north-west coast of Scotland and the Hebrides.

0:32:500:32:53

And the Blue Men of Minch, they're also known as Sea Kelpies.

0:32:530:32:58

Oooh. Ooh, he's a charmer.

0:32:580:33:01

Yeah, isn't he?

0:33:010:33:03

And they used to lure sea folk.

0:33:030:33:05

They're always luring, aren't they, monsters?

0:33:050:33:07

It creates storms. But they had a really unique line

0:33:070:33:10

in allowing you to be saved.

0:33:100:33:12

And that is they would shout out two lines of poetry

0:33:120:33:16

and if you could shout back two which rhymed, that pleased them,

0:33:160:33:20

they would let your ship go.

0:33:200:33:21

There was a young man from Dunoon...

0:33:210:33:24

Like an improv game.

0:33:260:33:28

That's right. We have one example from Scottish mythology.

0:33:280:33:31

Perhaps you could supply the reply.

0:33:310:33:33

The chief of the Blue Men called out thus to a ship's captain -

0:33:330:33:36

"My men are eager, my men are ready

0:33:360:33:39

To drag you below the waves."

0:33:390:33:41

"One's called Steve, one called Zeddy..."

0:33:410:33:44

LAUGHTER

0:33:440:33:45

"The other three are all Daves."

0:33:450:33:47

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:33:470:33:49

Very pleasing!

0:33:510:33:53

I think they would have been insane not to let you off with that.

0:33:540:33:57

In fact, the rather dull one that saved the skippers of that ship

0:33:570:34:00

that was attacked was,

0:34:000:34:01

"My ship is speedy, my ship is steady

0:34:010:34:03

If it sank, it would wreck your caves."

0:34:030:34:07

-Rubbish.

-I like to think that it was like a proto version of The Voice.

0:34:070:34:11

They were all in chairs the other way around

0:34:110:34:13

and they shouted the rhymes.

0:34:130:34:15

And, like, "Yeah, that rhymes."

0:34:150:34:17

If they just said to me, "My men are eager, my men are ready

0:34:170:34:20

"To drag you below the waves",

0:34:200:34:22

I'd never have thought,

0:34:220:34:24

"They want me to rhyme with this."

0:34:240:34:26

LAUGHTER

0:34:260:34:27

I'd see that as a threat.

0:34:270:34:29

Maybe that's what hecklers have been wanting all along.

0:34:300:34:33

-What, a rhyme...

-Yeah, rhyme back.

0:34:340:34:38

The theory is they were blue because they'd painted themselves.

0:34:380:34:43

And Latin for to paint is pictum,

0:34:430:34:46

as in picture and depict...

0:34:460:34:49

-and...

-Picts.

0:34:490:34:51

Picts, exactly. They were Picts. The Picts and the Scots.

0:34:510:34:54

There were Picts in woad, possibly on kayaks,

0:34:540:34:56

who were aggressive and did indeed colonise Scotland,

0:34:560:34:59

so maybe that's who they were.

0:34:590:35:01

"Angus, can you hear lions singing?"

0:35:010:35:03

LAUGHTER

0:35:030:35:06

"Sounds awfully nice."

0:35:060:35:08

Wellll, if you don't want to sink in the Minch,

0:35:080:35:11

think of something that rhymes...

0:35:110:35:14

LAUGHTER ..at a pinch.

0:35:140:35:15

Um, yeah.

0:35:150:35:17

Ah, it's a cinch.

0:35:170:35:18

So, now it's time to descend into the dark

0:35:180:35:21

and fetid nest of nasties that is General Ignorance.

0:35:210:35:24

First, some real sea monsters. Fingers on buzzers.

0:35:240:35:26

Why do great white sharks bite people?

0:35:260:35:29

WOMAN SCREAMS Yes?

0:35:290:35:31

It's to keep themselves in the news.

0:35:310:35:33

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:35:330:35:34

That's probably why.

0:35:360:35:37

It's so good and so true.

0:35:380:35:40

Is it cos they think they're something else?

0:35:400:35:42

It's a pretty good answer, yes...

0:35:420:35:45

People say it's because the shadow of a person,

0:35:450:35:47

especially if they're surfing, looks like a seal.

0:35:470:35:50

No, you see, the thing is when... They do eat seals,

0:35:500:35:52

but when they eat seals, it's a frenzy, it's a torpedo -

0:35:520:35:54

they dive in, and there's nothing left.

0:35:540:35:56

But when they attack people, they just take a bite,

0:35:560:35:59

and they usually then go off.

0:35:590:36:01

So it's generally believed that it's a kind of curiosity.

0:36:010:36:04

-"What is this?"

-Oh, God.

0:36:040:36:05

So it's like at a party with a vol-au-vent?

0:36:050:36:07

Yeah, basically.

0:36:070:36:09

They just think, "I'll just take a little bit off it..."

0:36:090:36:11

-Oh, no, no.

-"..and see if I like it, see what it is."

0:36:110:36:14

That's generally believed by...

0:36:140:36:16

Going over to his mates going, "Don't try that - it's horrible."

0:36:160:36:19

"Don't put it back on the tray. Don't put it back on the tray.

0:36:190:36:22

-"Put it over there."

-"You've started it now."

0:36:220:36:24

Curious rather than predatory is the way their behaviour is.

0:36:240:36:27

Wrap it in a napkin, put it in your pocket.

0:36:270:36:29

If you're a human and you lose half your leg,

0:36:290:36:31

-you don't, obviously, think of it like that.

-No, no.

0:36:310:36:34

But the point is if they wanted to kill you,

0:36:340:36:36

they are such ferocious...

0:36:360:36:37

"I hope that's sated your curiosity!"

0:36:370:36:39

So, yeah, sharks like to have a nibble

0:36:410:36:43

before they decide whether or not we're worth munching.

0:36:430:36:46

Who has the biggest face in America?

0:36:460:36:48

-Oh, is it...

-MONSTER ROARS

0:36:510:36:54

..one of Mount Rushmore?

0:36:540:36:56

Ah... Dang nabbit. SIREN RINGS

0:36:560:36:59

No, I said "one of".

0:37:000:37:02

-Is it a clock?

-No, it's not a clock.

0:37:020:37:04

-Good, good... Very smart.

-OK.

0:37:040:37:07

-Where's Mount Rushmore?

-Dakota.

-South Dakota is right, yeah.

0:37:070:37:11

And this particular huge face

0:37:110:37:14

which is bigger by far than either of the four Presidents there...

0:37:140:37:18

But you can get a point for naming them.

0:37:180:37:20

-Washington...

-Washington.

-..Lincoln...

0:37:200:37:22

and the other two.

0:37:220:37:24

-McKinley, no? And...

-Jefferson...

-Jefferson and...

0:37:260:37:29

-..and Teddy Roosevelt.

-Oh! Oh!

-Oh!

0:37:290:37:33

Oh, we can all do that at the end, Josh.

0:37:330:37:35

-LAUGHTER

-I knew all of them! Just on the...

0:37:350:37:38

Oh, Horniman Museum!

0:37:380:37:39

I'm not going to lie - I was going to go Obama, so...

0:37:410:37:44

15 miles away from Mount Rushmore is the biggest face in America.

0:37:480:37:51

-15 miles?

-Which is an ongoing work, also sculpting a face.

0:37:510:37:55

Oh, it's the Indian head thing.

0:37:550:37:57

Yes, it's the head of a Lakota Sioux Indian chief

0:37:570:38:00

who was a hero to his people.

0:38:000:38:02

It's being done by one person who's been doing it for about 20 years.

0:38:020:38:05

Ancient Polish guy - I've met him. He's extraordinary, yeah.

0:38:050:38:08

-It's going to be much, much bigger than them, isn't it?

-Yes.

0:38:080:38:10

87 feet high, is the face.

0:38:100:38:12

And do you know the name of the Indian brave?

0:38:120:38:15

He won, for his people, the battle,

0:38:150:38:18

of which was only a battle - they lost the war...

0:38:180:38:20

-Sitting Bull.

-Sitting Bull.

-Crazy Horse.

0:38:200:38:22

-Steve.

-# Ow! #

-"Steve!"

0:38:220:38:24

Crazy Horse.

0:38:240:38:26

-There it is - there's the face.

-Oh, he's beautiful.

0:38:260:38:28

He beat Custer in the Battle of Little Bighorn.

0:38:280:38:31

Yeah, but they never found Roobarb.

0:38:310:38:33

LAUGHTER

0:38:330:38:35

Lordy, lord.

0:38:370:38:38

HE SINGS ROOBARB AND CUSTARD THEME MUSIC

0:38:380:38:42

But if you go sideways on, he's on his horse.

0:38:420:38:44

-IMITATES CUSTARD:

-Look out, there's a big Indian after you.

0:38:440:38:47

-So, there's one guy who's done this?

-Yeah.

-Amazing.

0:38:470:38:50

-And he's still doing it.

-That's why it's taking so long.

0:38:500:38:53

-When did he start?

-Do you have to buy the mountain

0:38:530:38:55

first, or do you just do it on somebody else's?

0:38:550:38:57

Cos I'd be pretty angry if that was in my garden.

0:38:570:38:59

You know, the really impressive thing is

0:38:590:39:02

that he's done it with sandpaper.

0:39:020:39:05

Is he going to get to the end

0:39:050:39:06

and then they're going to realise he hasn't got planning permission?

0:39:060:39:10

"Put it all back, my friend."

0:39:100:39:11

"You have to rebuild the original mountain as it was.

0:39:110:39:13

-LAUGHTER

-"We want it all back."

0:39:130:39:16

-There you can see how it should look.

-Oh, wow.

0:39:170:39:20

That's the real thing in the background.

0:39:200:39:23

It's a noble endeavour,

0:39:230:39:24

but, goodness me, it's taking him a long time.

0:39:240:39:26

I don't know if he's using dynamite,

0:39:260:39:28

cos that's what they used in Mount Rushmore.

0:39:280:39:30

They used dynamite to four inches' worth of accuracy.

0:39:300:39:33

-Really?

-You know, all the little features -

0:39:330:39:35

the nose and everything else. Unbelievable.

0:39:350:39:37

It was going to be Lewis and Clark, the explorers,

0:39:370:39:40

you know, who opened up the West,

0:39:400:39:41

and it was going to be Chief Red Cloud and Buffalo Bill,

0:39:410:39:44

but then they decided it should be presidents

0:39:440:39:47

just to get on the right side of politics, I suppose.

0:39:470:39:49

There's Buffalo Bill. Obviously, Lewis and Clark on the right.

0:39:490:39:52

And you know what you do after a good dynamite?

0:39:520:39:55

Pube party.

0:39:550:39:56

LAUGHTER

0:39:560:39:59

That must have been the biggest pube party of all time.

0:39:590:40:01

It was massive.

0:40:010:40:03

Anyway, name the largest single man-made structure on the planet.

0:40:030:40:08

-Oh... Oh, yeah.

-Not falling for that one.

0:40:080:40:11

No way. No way!

0:40:110:40:13

Is it going to be a 50-mile long tunnel or a bridge

0:40:130:40:17

or something like that?

0:40:170:40:18

What we've got out of the way, cos it's hanging here like a worry,

0:40:180:40:21

is it's not the Great Wall of China.

0:40:210:40:23

-Oh, OK.

-Yeah.

-Try a continent where it might be.

0:40:230:40:26

-Europe.

-OK.

-Europe is not where it is.

0:40:260:40:28

-Asia.

-Australia.

-Nor Asia, nor Australia.

0:40:280:40:30

-North America.

-Nor North America.

0:40:300:40:32

-South America.

-Nor South America.

0:40:320:40:33

-Antarctica.

-Antarctica.

-Nor Antarctica.

-Arctic.

0:40:330:40:36

-Africa.

-Africa! Thank you.

0:40:360:40:39

-Hey!

-Bloody hell, I'm glad...

0:40:390:40:41

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:40:410:40:43

I really, really hope Ban Ki-moon isn't watching this.

0:40:450:40:48

"Africa! Africa!"

0:40:480:40:51

-So, is it Egyptian? Is it North...?

-It's Nigeria, in fact.

-Oh.

0:40:510:40:55

It's the Great Earthworks of Benin.

0:40:550:40:57

The Great Earthworks of Benin!

0:40:570:40:59

LAUGHTER

0:40:590:41:02

It's also called the Walls of Benin.

0:41:020:41:04

-The Walls, of course, Benin!

-Defensive earthworks...

0:41:040:41:06

The Earthen Walls of Benin in...

0:41:060:41:08

..dug by the Edo people.

0:41:080:41:11

-10,000 miles in length.

-Miles of it. 10,000 miles...

-10,000 miles?

0:41:110:41:14

..of defensive earthworks by the Edos.

0:41:140:41:17

-10,000 miles in length.

-How could I forget(?!)

0:41:170:41:19

-Four times longer than the Great Wall of China.

-OK.

0:41:210:41:23

Puny little wall.

0:41:230:41:24

Consumed 100 times more material than the Great Pyramid of Cheops.

0:41:240:41:27

Took 700 years and an estimated 150 million hours of digging.

0:41:270:41:32

Severely damaged by... HE CLEARS THROAT

0:41:320:41:35

..the British...when we sacked and burned Benin in 1897.

0:41:350:41:40

Aren't the British brilliant?

0:41:400:41:41

"Yes. Well, they just wouldn't do as they were told."

0:41:410:41:44

LAUGHTER

0:41:440:41:46

"There's only so much gentle persuasion we've got time for.

0:41:460:41:50

"Sack and burn them. Fuck the earthworks."

0:41:500:41:52

More or less exactly what happened.

0:41:540:41:57

And then we twisted the knife by not remembering Africa existed.

0:41:570:42:00

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:42:000:42:03

-What did they build it for?

-Defences.

0:42:030:42:05

-Keep out the British, I'd imagine.

-Keep out the British!

0:42:050:42:08

Didn't work very well, unfortunately.

0:42:080:42:10

"Here come the white folks. Dig, dig!"

0:42:100:42:13

Of course, you could argue that

0:42:130:42:14

the Eurasian road network is a bigger thing,

0:42:140:42:17

cos it covers Portugal all the way to Siberia.

0:42:170:42:21

-You can drive across the whole lot.

-It's all connected by road.

0:42:210:42:24

-You know...

-So, who do we take this up with?

0:42:240:42:26

The Guinness Book Of Records? Or do we go to Nigeria?

0:42:260:42:30

They'll go, "I think in fact we got something bigger, actually."

0:42:300:42:33

And further twist the knife again.

0:42:330:42:34

The monstrous Walls of Benin were the biggest thing ever built

0:42:360:42:38

until we monstrously knocked them down.

0:42:380:42:40

All of which brings us to the monstrous scores.

0:42:400:42:43

It's remarkable. PHILL AND SARA LAUGH

0:42:440:42:47

I'm going to start...

0:42:470:42:48

You've all done, may I say, remarkably well.

0:42:480:42:52

In last place, with a score that sometimes could be a winning score

0:42:530:42:56

of minus seven is Josh Widdicombe.

0:42:560:42:58

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:42:580:43:01

In third place, with minus two...

0:43:020:43:06

Ooh! It's Sara Pascoe.

0:43:060:43:09

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:43:090:43:12

No! Tell me it ain't so!

0:43:150:43:18

In second place, with plus five, Alan Davies!

0:43:180:43:21

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:43:210:43:24

How close it was,

0:43:260:43:28

because the winner by a whisker on six points is Phill Jupitus.

0:43:280:43:32

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I don't understand it.

0:43:320:43:35

That's all from Sara, Phill, Josh, Alan and me,

0:43:400:43:44

and I leave you with these words from Andre Breton.

0:43:440:43:48

"The man who can't visualise a horse galloping on a tomato

0:43:480:43:52

"is an idiot."

0:43:520:43:53

Thank you.

0:43:530:43:55

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:550:43:58

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