Mix and Match QI XL


Mix and Match

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This programme contains some strong language

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APPLAUSE

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Goooooood evening,

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good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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and welcome to QI,

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where, tonight, we're mixing and matching

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a medley of things beginning with M.

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Now, let's meet our makers.

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The matchless James Acaster.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The match-fit Jo Brand.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The match made in heaven, Bill Bailey.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And...

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match abandoned, Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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So, let's hear you mix. James goes...

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EGG BEING BEATEN

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-That's mixing.

-Is it?

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Yeah, you're beating an egg, I think.

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-Beating something.

-LAUGHTER

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Now.

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You're on your first warning. LAUGHTER

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Jo goes...

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ELECTRIC WHISK WHIRS

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Yes, that's masturbation as I know it.

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LAUGHTER

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I'd love to know what the machine is, wouldn't you?

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LAUGHTER

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Bill goes...

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TURNTABLE SCRATCHES

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Ah, yeah. I like it, yes.

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That's masturbation as I know it.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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So, three mixes and Alan goes...

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MATCH OF THE DAY THEME PLAYS

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-Ah, you see.

-A match.

-Yeah.

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So, on with the game.

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Now our first "M" tonight is "M" for metals.

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Can you see anything on this board here that does not contain metal?

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-Oh.

-You've got a mushroom,

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a balloon, a stack of coins,

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a monkey, a star, an Alan Davies...

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-of some kind.

-An Alan Davies.

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Well, bodies do contain metal, so it can't be...

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-They do.

-It can't be you...

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-Alan, you contain metal.

-Yes.

-You do.

-I do.

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-Enough iron to make a nail.

-Alan specifically?

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LAUGHTER

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-Yeah, just Alan.

-Just Alan. He can make a nail.

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But, no, that's right, isn't it?

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The body contains enough iron to make a nail -

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phosphorus, carbon, water...

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-Magnesium.

-Lime.

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-Gold, actually.

-A person...

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You could boil it down to a half-decent kids' party.

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LAUGHTER

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You could get a paddling pool, some fireworks and a tequila slammer.

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-All inside us, churning away.

-All inside. So, it can't be Alan.

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No, it's not me. And I don't... I'm...

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-Now, look...

-Now.

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-Things that grow probably have got metal in them...

-Yes.

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-..that's my thinking.

-Yeah.

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The fact is, you've brilliantly avoided everything,

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cos all those things contain metals.

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When the universe was created...

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4,000 years ago...

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-4,000 years ago, as it says in the Bible.

-..by our Lord.

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LAUGHTER

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..only two elements were created at that time.

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Gold and silver.

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-LAUGHTER

-Yes.

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-It was...

-Frankincense and myrrh.

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Cheese and pickle.

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-They are still the most abundant elements in the universe.

-Helium!

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99% of the universe is composed of?

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Helium and sarcasm.

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LAUGHTER

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Helium and...

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Hydrogen?

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-Hydrogen is correct.

-Yes.

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And then the first two elements to be created,

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after hydrogen and helium,

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which are both gases,

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were both metals.

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Imagine God was rather depressed by having created the universe.

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-A knife.

-I should think he bloody well was. I would be.

-Yeah.

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So, if you're depressed, what's the metal you'd go for?

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-Lithium.

-Lithium.

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Lithium was one of them, and the other was beryllium.

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-Oh, beryllium.

-Beryllium, I love that one.

-Beryllium.

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And how were they created? What was the process?

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It was in the stars.

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-Fusion?

-Fusion.

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-You're on fire.

-Crikey!

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Like the stars, very good.

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APPLAUSE Yeah.

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And in that fusion, EVERYTHING was made.

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And we are, as Carl Sagan famously said, we are made of star stuff.

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We are made of the stuff that was created in those fusion moments.

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Yes, we are.

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And astronomers call anything that isn't the first two,

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hydrogen and helium, a metal -

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even if it's oxygen.

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Are some people made of heavy metal?

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LAUGHTER

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-Yeah.

-Lemmy.

-Lemmy.

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Lemmy from Motorhead.

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Death metal. That's a good one.

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Yeah. Thrash metal.

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Nu metal, when I was a teenager.

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What's nu metal?

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It was rap and metal together.

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It went very badly.

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LAUGHTER

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-Yeah, there was quite a lot of...

-TURNTABLE SCRATCHES

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Quite a lot of that in it, yeah.

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There was one I was told about that was a mixture of techno and disco...

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and it was called Tesco.

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LAUGHTER

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Then there was Valium metal,

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and Tesco's own-brand metal.

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LAUGHTER

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Yeah, the human body contains a lot of metal, even gold.

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How many human beings

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would you need to extract the gold from

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before you could make, of them, a gold coin?

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Just Mr T.

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LAUGHTER

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Yes, just that, yeah.

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Very good, that's true.

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Normal humans.

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-One million humans.

-No.

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-One billion humans.

-No, it's...

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47.

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-Six.

-LAUGHTER

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This could take a long time. 40,000.

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And how many different metals have we got inside us?

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72.

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47.

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Very close, it's 48!

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APPLAUSE

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-Whoa!

-On fire!

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-Amazing.

-On fire!

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In your face!

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Did you just point at Alan and say, "Eat it"?

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No.

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No, I pointed at him and went, "On fire!"

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-Oh, "On fire."

-"On fire!"

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It's most impressive.

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And you're all right, in many ways.

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To astronomers, anything that isn't hydrogen or helium is a metal.

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Even apparently normal metals can be quite deceptive,

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as this trick shows.

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I'm going to get a glass of water,

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and I'll get a teaspoon.

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-Right.

-Oh, I'll just... To prove that it is water, I'll drink it.

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That just proves it might be vodka.

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LAUGHTER

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-It proves at least that it's not sulphuric acid or something...

-Yeah.

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..because what I'm going to do

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is try and make this teaspoon disappear.

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It may not work.

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I'm not a good magician,

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I'm a great magician.

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And so we stir it here and I...

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Oh, don't, Oh, no...

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Oh, it might not work, it might work, I don't know.

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I'm, oh...

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-Yeah, it seems to have worked.

-Ooh.

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AUDIENCE GASPS

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APPLAUSE

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Wow!

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There you are. Thank you.

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That's rather good, isn't it?

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-Rather good.

-That's good.

-That is.

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In fact, on this occasion, it wasn't a magic trick,

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and it's something you can do.

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I'll give you your water and you'll notice the water is rather warm.

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-Oh, it's warm.

-It's warm water.

-Warm water.

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And I'll give you a couple of spoons.

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They are metal, they're metal spoons, but the metal...

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Are they made out of Alka-Seltzer?

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LAUGHTER

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They might as well be - they're made out of gallium.

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And gallium is a metal...

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A very useful metal.

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-Let's have a look.

-..but it has the quality that it melts,

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-as Alan is showing, in water.

-Good Lord.

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Oh, you wouldn't want that of your teaspoon, would you?

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No, it wouldn't make a practical teaspoon.

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-That's lasting less time than a biscuit.

-Yeah.

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-That's it.

-Look at that.

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Now, if you stir it,

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it'll happen more quickly.

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-Oh, good Lord, look at that.

-Ah, jeez.

-That is...

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That would be the most annoying teaspoon in the world.

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-It really would, wouldn't it?

-Now, oh.

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But it's, like, Terminator's teaspoon.

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Yeah, exactly. Terminator 2, it should be said.

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Yes. Terminator two-spoon.

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Hey!

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-Well, I hope you're impressed with that.

-Wow.

-I'm very impressed.

-Yeah.

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-It's not poisonous, gallium, so you can drink it again.

-I shan't.

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LAUGHTER OK. You can put your glasses away.

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There you are, top man.

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"Mmm, delicious."

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LAUGHTER

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OK, pop away.

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Er...gallium.

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-Gallium was discovered in the 19th century by a Frenchman...

-Yes...

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..called Lecoq.

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Oh...

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And he called it gallium because he was French

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-and he wanted to be patriotic.

-Gaul.

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Yeah. Exactly, as in our word "Gallic."

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But also, there's another word which means "cockerel,"

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-Oh.

-Which is "gallus,"

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so he called gallium after himself as well as after his country.

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-So he was modest.

-He was modest, exactly.

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LAUGHTER

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Staying with valuable metals,

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though, what use did the world's richest man have for wide trousers?

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ELECTRIC WHISK WHIRS Yeah?

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Did he have very fat ankles?

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LAUGHTER

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That would be useful. Who was the world's richest man?

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-That's what we have to discover.

-Is he alive today?

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-No.

-Was he a Greek bloke?

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-Was it...

-No.

-..Rockefeller?

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Wasn't Croesus, wasn't Rockefeller.

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But it has been calculated, quite recently in fact, that this

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-man was the richest man by any standards...

-Ever?

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-..of which there has ever been.

-Oh!

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-Someone...

-Aladdin.

-Aladdin, yes.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm going to say, and I don't want to upset anybody,

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I'm going to say it's someone real.

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-Someone...

-Ah, someone from Fifa.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Someone from the 14th century.

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He is M- M- of M-.

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-Murmansk. Did he come from Murmansk?

-No.

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-Mesopotamia.

-No!

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-No, it's good, though.

-Margate.

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LAUGHTER

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-He visited Mesopotamia...

-Mick of Margate.

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-He visited Mesopotamia?

-Well...

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-Mu... Mohammed...

-..Arabia.

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Muchti? The Muchti.

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He was Muslim, so that's another M.

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-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Ming the Merciless.

-Ming the Merciless.

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LAUGHTER

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-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Mansa Musa.

-Is the right answer, but...

-Who?

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..you would have got more points... APPLAUSE

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-The audience is very impressive, isn't it?

-They are.

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You'd only have got more points if you'd said Mansa Musa I.

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Ah.

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-But, no, Mansa Musa is the right answer.

-Ah.

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-What's the country he's from?

-Mess... Er...

-No.

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-Muh... Mer... Muk...

-Mali.

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-Mali. Mali!

-Mali, he comes from, Africa.

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-Mali.

-And his riches came from gold.

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-Oh.

-He had so much gold, you would not believe.

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He was also a very faithful Muslim,

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and he went on the Hajj to Mecca, and on his Hajj, every Friday,

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he stopped and he built a mosque, but also, everyone he met,

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he gave gold to.

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Right.

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By the time all these people went to cash their gold in,

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it destroyed the market for it.

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And they suffered from hyperinflation.

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And he very generously tried to put right what he'd done wrong,

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so he bought the gold back,

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but it still destroyed the whole Mediterranean economy for ten years.

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-What an idiot.

-LAUGHTER

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-He was trying to be kind.

-Well, there's that saying, isn't there,

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"No act of kindness ever goes unpunished."

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-Yes!

-And I think that's very true in this case.

-It is very true.

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He was also quite a warrior, and he had an army of 100,000, and

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if he had a successful general, he would reward him with wide trousers.

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That's... That was the question!

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If you had wide trousers it was proof of your success as a general.

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-Wide trousers being what?

-Oxford bags.

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-Pretty jolly wide.

-Kind of Showaddywaddy.

-Yeah.

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On his way back from Mecca,

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he stopped and established this city that became a great

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centre for Islamic scholarship

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-and world scholarship for the following century.

-Hmm.

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Do you know what that town was called?

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-On the way from Mecca to Mali.

-Yeah.

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-Closer to Mali than Mecca by a long way.

-Mombasa.

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-No. There it is!

-Good effort, though.

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I keep looking at that picture

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like I'm going to recognise it or something.

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-LAUGHTER

-Ah, yeah...

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-Is it Timbuktu?

-Yes! Timbuktu.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Well done.

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Yes, Mansa Musa of Mali made medieval markets melt down.

0:12:470:12:53

From one golden age to another,

0:12:530:12:54

how did the ancient Britons celebrate the merry month of May?

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ELECTRIC WHISK WHIRS

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-Jo.

-Was it pole dancing?

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Oh, ha-ha...

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Oh, dear, oh, dear.

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KLAXON BLARES

0:13:050:13:07

That's not...

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-No, that's not what I said.

-She's quite right.

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You didn't say "maypole."

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LAUGHTER

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Human sacrifice, probably?

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Human sacrifice, no, not that.

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-Mead?

-Mead is possible.

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Cannibalism?

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LAUGHTER

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Not that we know of. We don't know much about the ancient Britons.

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If only they'd blogged more.

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LAUGHTER

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Murder - they would murder people for a laugh.

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Anyone who really liked April.

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-They'd murder them really badly.

-Yeah.

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Well, they would pick flowers.

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Ugh.

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LAUGHTER

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As far as we know, they didn't do much

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other than the fact that it was early summer,

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late spring, and they would put flowers in the house.

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The things we think of -

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Morris dancing and maypoles and the Queen of the May and everything -

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were all later inventions.

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Morris dancing seems to have arrived in the 15th century.

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Oh, God, what a terrible year.

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LAUGHTER

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-A bad year.

-They have much to answer for.

-They have.

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Do you know why it's called Morris dancing, where that comes from?

0:14:120:14:15

It was just boredom. That's really what it was, wasn't it?

0:14:150:14:18

A combination of boredom,

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nothing to do and we might as well do something.

0:14:200:14:23

Do a dance.

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-Do a dance.

-Yeah.

-Let's have some mead and do a dance.

0:14:240:14:26

"What's your name?" "Morris." "Right, we'll call it after you."

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LAUGHTER

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We think they borrowed the name from the Spaniards,

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-who had a Morisco dance.

-Oh!

0:14:330:14:34

When they celebrated the expulsion of the Moors, or Moriscos,

0:14:340:14:39

as in the word Morocco, from Spain, and this dance came to England

0:14:390:14:43

by the 15th century, and we did that sort of dance.

0:14:430:14:45

-So it's a bit racist, really.

-If you like, yeah.

0:14:450:14:49

-Yeah.

-Well, maybe we could get it banned on that account.

0:14:490:14:51

LAUGHTER

0:14:510:14:53

-Got to try.

-Poor old Morris dancers.

0:14:560:14:58

Yeah. The most traditional way to celebrate May Day

0:14:590:15:02

is to decorate your house with flowers.

0:15:020:15:04

Our next M also grows in the ground.

0:15:040:15:07

Now, what sex is this mushroom?

0:15:070:15:09

-What sex?

-What sex?

0:15:100:15:12

Well, it looks like a penis, so...

0:15:120:15:14

LAUGHTER

0:15:140:15:15

..I'm guessing it's female.

0:15:150:15:17

KLAXON BLARES

0:15:170:15:18

You see...

0:15:180:15:20

-Now...

-Is it male, then?

0:15:200:15:22

Oh! KLAXON BLARES

0:15:220:15:26

TURNTABLE SCRATCHES

0:15:270:15:28

Is it asexual?

0:15:280:15:30

Well...it's not asexual, no.

0:15:300:15:32

-Is it a stinkhorn?

-Just doesn't have a gen...

0:15:320:15:34

We're going to come to stinkhorns.

0:15:340:15:36

-But you can have a look.

-I love them.

0:15:360:15:38

See if you can spot the organs of generation on those.

0:15:380:15:41

LAUGHTER

0:15:410:15:43

-Well, there's a mushroom.

-Yeah.

0:15:430:15:45

Fry it up, lovely.

0:15:450:15:47

It's difficult to tell, isn't it? They're all sort of...

0:15:470:15:49

They're all vaguely suggestive

0:15:490:15:51

-in some way, aren't they? I mean...

-Yeah.

0:15:510:15:52

Any type of fungus will tell you the same story -

0:15:520:15:55

they don't have genders. They don't have sexes.

0:15:550:15:58

-Oh, right.

-They do reproduce,

0:15:580:16:00

but they don't use gender as a...

0:16:000:16:03

Spores? Is it spores?

0:16:030:16:04

-Spores, well, spores have to be...

-Inseminated.

0:16:040:16:06

They have to be inseminated, germinated.

0:16:060:16:08

-But there is no gender, you don't have a female or a male.

-Right.

0:16:080:16:11

-Oh, you've made a whole new one with a hat.

-I've made a new one.

0:16:110:16:14

LAUGHTER

0:16:140:16:15

It's like a French painter. "Ah. Ah-ha-ho-ho."

0:16:150:16:18

But...

0:16:180:16:19

LAUGHTER

0:16:190:16:21

Oh!

0:16:210:16:23

IMITATES PIPE-SUCKING

0:16:230:16:25

-FAUX FRENCH ACCENT:

-"No, I'm a...

0:16:250:16:26

"Some people say I'm a mushroom, but..."

0:16:260:16:28

IMITATES PIPE-SUCKING

0:16:280:16:29

-Oh, what the hell.

-"I have no gender!"

0:16:290:16:31

LAUGHTER

0:16:310:16:33

"I have no gender, I am nothing, not male nor female."

0:16:330:16:36

"Ha-ha! I laugh at you. Ah-ha-ha!"

0:16:360:16:38

LAUGHTER

0:16:380:16:39

-You mentioned the stinkhorn.

-Yes, I did, I love that.

0:16:390:16:42

Well, have a look at one.

0:16:420:16:43

There you are.

0:16:430:16:45

-Ohh!

-Ooh, dirty stinkhorn.

-Dirty!

0:16:450:16:48

It's pretty grim, isn't it?

0:16:480:16:50

Is that flies?

0:16:500:16:51

Yeah, flies all over it. Its Latin name is phallus impudicus,

0:16:510:16:55

-which means...

-Oh, you wouldn't want that on your cock, would you?

0:16:550:16:59

LAUGHTER

0:16:590:17:00

Not again.

0:17:000:17:01

The meaning of its name is "shameless cock."

0:17:010:17:03

Shameless cock.

0:17:030:17:05

-Is it?

-Shameless!

-Yeah.

0:17:050:17:06

Phallus impudicus.

0:17:060:17:08

And it gives off a sort of mucus...

0:17:080:17:10

That's actually given me an idea for my husband's birthday present.

0:17:100:17:14

LAUGHTER

0:17:140:17:15

A little fly willy warmer.

0:17:150:17:17

-What do you think?

-Yeah.

-He'd love it.

0:17:170:17:19

-He would love it.

-Beautiful idea.

0:17:190:17:21

There's a mucus that's given off on the top of it, um...

0:17:210:17:26

-And it stinks, hence the name stinkhorn.

-It does.

0:17:260:17:28

It smells of rotting meat, and it attracts flies.

0:17:280:17:32

-You can't eat them, either, can you?

-Oh, the Chinese do.

-Do they?

0:17:320:17:35

They dry them and they eat them,

0:17:350:17:37

because they've discovered this really important scientific fact.

0:17:370:17:42

-They're aphrodisiac.

-Of course they are.

-Oh, yeah(!)

0:17:420:17:46

Er...

0:17:460:17:47

LAUGHTER

0:17:470:17:48

So there it is, that's the stinkhorn.

0:17:480:17:49

-Is that only because it looks like a penis, let's be honest?

-It is.

0:17:490:17:52

-That's why it's called...

-"Oh, look, it looks like an erect penis,

0:17:520:17:55

"therefore, ergo, it must be an aphrodisiac."

0:17:550:17:58

-Yeah.

-That's what it is, really.

-I'm afraid it is.

-Effectively.

0:17:580:18:01

There's a lot of things that look like an erect penis that...

0:18:010:18:04

don't get used as aphrodisiacs.

0:18:040:18:05

-Like?

-Like...

0:18:050:18:07

A baguette.

0:18:070:18:08

LAUGHTER

0:18:080:18:10

Very good.

0:18:100:18:11

Now, let's stay in the garden.

0:18:110:18:14

Why would you spread mustard on your lawn?

0:18:140:18:17

So you can... Like, if you stick roast beef on yourself,

0:18:170:18:20

-and you slide across the lawn...

-LAUGHTER

0:18:200:18:23

Somebody's made a graphic of a man mowing some custard.

0:18:230:18:26

LAUGHTER

0:18:260:18:28

Imagine you wanted to conduct

0:18:290:18:32

a worm census of your lawn,

0:18:320:18:35

you wanted to find out how many worms there wah... "There wah"?

0:18:350:18:38

-..in your lawn.

-Make them come up out of the earth

0:18:380:18:41

with washing-up liquid.

0:18:410:18:42

-Is that what you'd use?

-Yeah.

0:18:420:18:44

That really works a treat, actually.

0:18:440:18:46

What, do you put the washing up liquid...?

0:18:460:18:48

You just spray washing-up liquid on the lawn and they all come up,

0:18:480:18:51

"Oh", like that, to help you with the washing up.

0:18:510:18:53

LAUGHTER

0:18:530:18:55

And it doesn't harm them?

0:18:550:18:56

Oh, it kills them.

0:18:560:18:58

LAUGHTER

0:18:580:19:00

This...

0:19:000:19:01

This is where your system and mine differ,

0:19:010:19:03

because my system is just about counting them and not harming them.

0:19:030:19:06

-Right.

-Because it does...

0:19:060:19:07

But you can still count them when they're dead.

0:19:070:19:09

LAUGHTER

0:19:090:19:11

-Easier, really.

-It is easier.

-It's true, you're right.

0:19:110:19:13

-Dry them out.

-But they're good for aerating the lawn, aren't they?

0:19:130:19:17

-So is a pitchfork.

-Yeah.

0:19:170:19:19

LAUGHTER

0:19:190:19:20

Well, anyway, it irritates them slightly,

0:19:200:19:22

but it doesn't kill them.

0:19:220:19:23

And, in fact, they did this in America,

0:19:230:19:26

and discovered that 100% of North American worms are non-native.

0:19:260:19:31

All the worms of North America

0:19:310:19:34

were wiped out a long time ago.

0:19:340:19:37

-Washing-up liquid!

-Must have been.

0:19:370:19:39

10,000 years ago,

0:19:390:19:41

-before washing-up liquid.

-Ice age?

0:19:410:19:43

Ice age is the right answer.

0:19:430:19:45

Yeah, they were wiped out.

0:19:450:19:46

He's on fire, you're both on fire!

0:19:460:19:48

APPLAUSE

0:19:480:19:52

Yeah, the European worms arrived

0:19:520:19:54

in the root balls of plants

0:19:540:19:56

that were exported to the Americas.

0:19:560:19:58

But what else do we...?

0:19:580:20:00

Help me with mustard.

0:20:000:20:01

You can spread it on your hands if you're trying to give up smoking.

0:20:010:20:04

LAUGHTER

0:20:040:20:06

Yes, apparently a friend of mine did that, to try and, you know,

0:20:060:20:09

-give up smoking.

-Did it work?

0:20:090:20:11

Um... No.

0:20:110:20:13

LAUGHTER

0:20:130:20:15

Gas, lethal gas.

0:20:150:20:17

Yes, mustard gas.

0:20:170:20:19

What was mustard gas? Did it have mustard in it?

0:20:190:20:21

It stank, poisonous.

0:20:210:20:23

It didn't actually contain mustard.

0:20:230:20:25

Nothing to do with mustard, called it only because of the colour of it.

0:20:250:20:29

-Well, the colour and the smell.

-And the smell of it.

0:20:290:20:31

Sulphur mustard, it was called.

0:20:310:20:33

And rather like too much mustard, it could cause blistering.

0:20:330:20:36

And there were mustard baths.

0:20:360:20:37

A bath of mustard?

0:20:370:20:39

Is that a Comic Relief thing?

0:20:390:20:40

LAUGHTER No, you'd think it was.

0:20:400:20:43

But, funnily enough,

0:20:430:20:45

we British have mustard baths all the time, didn't you know that?

0:20:450:20:48

-No?

-No.

0:20:480:20:49

According to the National Museum of Mustard,

0:20:490:20:52

which is in Middleton, Wisconsin.

0:20:520:20:54

I was going to say, it's got to be in America.

0:20:540:20:56

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:20:560:20:58

They have a National Museum of Mustard and I...

0:20:580:21:00

Just be careful,

0:21:000:21:01

-because Norwich has a very famous mustard museum, as well.

-Uh-oh.

0:21:010:21:04

-Mr Coleman?

-Coleman's, exactly.

0:21:040:21:07

This museum in Middleton, Wisconsin,

0:21:070:21:09

it asserts that "bathing in mustard is an English custom

0:21:090:21:12

"to this very day."

0:21:120:21:14

LAUGHTER

0:21:140:21:17

There you are, that's what they think.

0:21:170:21:19

-FAUX-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-That's right, over in England, at night they...

0:21:190:21:23

Everyone in England asks their butler to draw them a mustard bath.

0:21:230:21:27

LAUGHTER

0:21:270:21:29

And you spoke of Coleman's of Norwich...

0:21:290:21:32

-Norwich.

-..the great mustard company of Norwich.

0:21:320:21:34

They provided quite a lot of mustard for Robert Falcon Scott

0:21:340:21:37

-and his Discovery Expedition.

-To the South Pole.

0:21:370:21:40

As you can see there, he has pots of Coleman's Mustard.

0:21:400:21:44

-That's a genuine real photograph...

-Yes, of course.

0:21:440:21:46

..not in the least bit touched-up. LAUGHTER

0:21:460:21:49

How much did Coleman's, of Norwich, give...

0:21:490:21:53

to Captain Scott's team in the 1901-02...?

0:21:530:21:56

Two enormous barrels of mustard.

0:21:560:21:58

-Actually, they gave them one and a half tonnes...

-Tiny jar?

0:21:580:22:01

-One and a half tonnes?!

-..of mustard.

0:22:010:22:03

Tonnes of mustard.

0:22:030:22:05

Excellent.

0:22:050:22:06

That's enough for a lot of baths, as well as a lot of food.

0:22:060:22:09

Now, from counting worms

0:22:090:22:11

to monkeys that count.

0:22:110:22:13

What job can even a monkey do?

0:22:130:22:16

ELECTRIC WHISK WHIRS

0:22:160:22:17

Yes, Jo?

0:22:170:22:19

Is it quantity surveying?

0:22:190:22:21

LAUGHTER

0:22:210:22:24

-They might be able to.

-Apologies to all quantity surveyors watching.

0:22:240:22:28

-That includes my brother.

-Is your brother...?

-Oh, is he?

0:22:280:22:30

-He is a quantity surveyor, yes.

-Does he survey quantities all day?

0:22:300:22:33

-Yeah, sadly for him.

-Do you get tired of surveying quantities?

0:22:330:22:36

I mean, how many quantities can you survey in one day?

0:22:360:22:39

-He can survey 47 quantities in a day.

-47 quantities?

0:22:390:22:43

That's a lot of quantities.

0:22:430:22:44

Wow. Well, no, I don't think monkeys can survey quantities.

0:22:440:22:48

-They can count.

-Yes.

0:22:480:22:50

The person who counts how many people are on the plane

0:22:500:22:52

before you take off, that could be a monkey.

0:22:520:22:55

LAUGHTER

0:22:550:22:56

That would instil us all with confidence, wouldn't it?

0:22:560:22:59

LAUGHTER

0:22:590:23:00

Just before takeoff,

0:23:000:23:01

a small primate comes down the aisle with a clicker.

0:23:010:23:05

LAUGHTER

0:23:050:23:08

And he also does the duty-frees because no-one ever buys anything.

0:23:080:23:11

Yes.

0:23:110:23:12

In Thailand, there is a school.

0:23:120:23:14

-A monkey school?

-Yep.

0:23:140:23:16

They have between three and six months of training -

0:23:160:23:18

the pig-tailed macaques -

0:23:180:23:21

and they end up working on a plantation,

0:23:210:23:25

where they can pick

0:23:250:23:27

between 800 and 1,000 whats a day?

0:23:270:23:30

-Bananas.

-Not bananas cos they'd eat those, wouldn't they?

-They would.

0:23:300:23:33

-Coconuts.

-Coconuts!

0:23:330:23:35

Between 800 and 1,000 coconuts a day, they can pick.

0:23:350:23:38

There they are.

0:23:380:23:39

But it's very useful.

0:23:390:23:41

So, a lot more than a human could, probably.

0:23:410:23:43

But they do they count them, as well?

0:23:430:23:45

Well, I don't... Those don't, no.

0:23:450:23:47

Clicker in one hand.

0:23:470:23:48

LAUGHTER

0:23:480:23:51

In the US, they use capuchin monkeys

0:23:510:23:53

for a charity called Helping Hands,

0:23:530:23:56

which assists people with disabilities,

0:23:560:23:58

and they help with feeding,

0:23:580:23:59

retrieving dropped items,

0:23:590:24:01

changing compact discs,

0:24:010:24:02

-turning lights on and off.

-Wow.

0:24:020:24:05

And in Tokyo, there's a tavern where...

0:24:050:24:07

A traditional sake house,

0:24:070:24:09

where macaques are employed

0:24:090:24:11

to bring customers hot towels.

0:24:110:24:14

I don't want a hot towel off that fella, I'll tell you that.

0:24:140:24:16

LAUGHTER

0:24:160:24:19

That is horrible.

0:24:190:24:20

Imagine that at the end of your bed at night.

0:24:200:24:22

Oh, God!

0:24:220:24:24

"Hot towel, sir?" Oh, fuck off!

0:24:240:24:26

LAUGHTER

0:24:260:24:28

The late, great Rik Mayall had a joke that he always told if you ever

0:24:280:24:31

went to a Japanese restaurant, sushi house or something, like that,

0:24:310:24:34

and he'd go, "Waiter!"

0:24:340:24:36

"Bring me several types of Japanese wine, and don't get all sake!"

0:24:360:24:40

-LAUGHTER

-Yay!

0:24:400:24:43

Couldn't help saying it every time.

0:24:430:24:45

It somehow...

0:24:450:24:46

From him, it was funny.

0:24:460:24:48

Now, from smart monkeys to smart aleck kids.

0:24:480:24:51

Which of these would an ancient Mexican use

0:24:510:24:55

to teach children manners?

0:24:550:24:57

You've got chocolate,

0:24:570:24:58

chilli...

0:24:580:24:59

The monkey with a baseball bat seems pretty effective.

0:24:590:25:03

You've got to say "please" or you get the monkey with the bat.

0:25:030:25:05

I, personally, would use a cactus.

0:25:050:25:08

-Yeah.

-What would you do with it?

0:25:080:25:10

Throw the child at it.

0:25:100:25:11

LAUGHTER

0:25:110:25:13

Then you are pretty much on a par with those ancient Mexicans.

0:25:130:25:16

Oh, am I?

0:25:160:25:17

Yeah. The Aztec or the... SHE MOUTHS

0:25:170:25:20

..Mexica.

0:25:200:25:21

LAUGHTER

0:25:210:25:23

-The Mexica, as they were called...

-Yeah.

0:25:230:25:25

..from which, we get our word Mexico,

0:25:250:25:27

did have a firm, but fair, way of treating their children.

0:25:270:25:30

That means "very cruel".

0:25:300:25:31

Yeah, I know.

0:25:310:25:32

And the Codex Mendoza was written by someone

0:25:320:25:35

observing the practices of the Aztecs,

0:25:350:25:37

and this is what he found.

0:25:370:25:39

Basically, they were taught to be humble, hard-working and polite,

0:25:390:25:44

just like British...

0:25:440:25:45

Oh, no, what am I talking about? LAUGHTER

0:25:450:25:48

So this is how it went.

0:25:480:25:50

It begins with an eight-year-old boy

0:25:500:25:51

-being threatened with the spines of a cactus.

-Wow.

0:25:510:25:54

The following year, he's stripped, bound and pierced

0:25:540:25:57

in his neck, side and thigh.

0:25:570:25:59

Next year, he's bound and beaten with a pine stick.

0:25:590:26:03

The year after that, aged 11, his father holds his son,

0:26:030:26:05

bound and weeping over a fire of burning chillies -

0:26:050:26:10

as you can see, top right, there.

0:26:100:26:11

-All practices carried on in English boarding schools.

-Yes.

0:26:110:26:14

LAUGHTER

0:26:140:26:15

Finally, a stroppy 12-year-old is bound and dumped

0:26:150:26:18

in a damp vegetable patch for a day

0:26:180:26:20

to reflect on his conduct.

0:26:200:26:22

By the time he's 13, he's dutifully gathering reeds, as you can see.

0:26:220:26:26

Yeah, bearing a terrible grudge.

0:26:260:26:27

LAUGHTER

0:26:270:26:29

-Which he will take out on HIS child.

-Yes.

0:26:290:26:31

Unfortunately, that's the way it works.

0:26:310:26:33

-So, it's a sort of a meme of cruelty.

-It is, yeah.

0:26:330:26:36

But the Huichol Mexicans - and you'll like this, I think, Jo -

0:26:360:26:39

they had an interesting practice,

0:26:390:26:41

which was, when a woman was pregnant,

0:26:410:26:43

she would lie, and,

0:26:430:26:44

in the room above,

0:26:440:26:46

her husband would lie,

0:26:460:26:48

and he would have strings

0:26:480:26:49

attached to his testicles,

0:26:490:26:51

which would drop down into the room below -

0:26:510:26:53

where his wife was pregnant.

0:26:530:26:55

I'm loving this so far.

0:26:550:26:56

She would have...

0:26:560:26:57

She would hold the strings and, when she had a contraction,

0:26:570:27:00

she would pull... AUDIENCE GASPS

0:27:000:27:02

..so that he was forced to share her pain...

0:27:020:27:05

LAUGHTER

0:27:050:27:07

He, cunningly, slipped the string off, tied it onto the...

0:27:070:27:10

boards of the bed and went to the pub.

0:27:100:27:12

LAUGHTER

0:27:120:27:14

Tied it to the dog.

0:27:140:27:15

"Tied it to the dog"!

0:27:150:27:17

BILL BARKS

0:27:170:27:19

Or his 12-year-old son.

0:27:190:27:20

-"Argh!"

-LAUGHTER

0:27:200:27:22

It's possible.

0:27:220:27:24

-Oh, we're... Sorry, go on.

-No, carry on.

0:27:240:27:26

No, I was going to say a terrible

0:27:260:27:27

and very embarrassing story about testicles, but you carry on.

0:27:270:27:30

-Oh, I want your testicle story.

-All right, then.

0:27:300:27:32

Well, we had this dog, and it got into the bed

0:27:320:27:34

and it started to lick...

0:27:340:27:36

the wrong set of testicles.

0:27:360:27:38

-That's all I'm saying.

-LAUGHTER AND GASPS

0:27:380:27:42

Surely everybody wins?

0:27:420:27:44

-Everyone's a winner.

-LAUGHTER

0:27:440:27:47

Not everyone, Stephen.

0:27:470:27:48

I haven't been back.

0:27:480:27:50

LAUGHTER

0:27:500:27:53

APPLAUSE

0:27:530:27:58

Yeah, the Mexica people of Mexico

0:27:580:28:00

used a very hands-on variety of tough love.

0:28:000:28:04

And speaking of hands, what's this man doing with his other hand?

0:28:040:28:07

LAUGHTER

0:28:070:28:09

-Oh, Lord!

-It's M, it's M...

0:28:090:28:11

-It begins with M.

-It begins with M.

0:28:110:28:13

He could be doing anything, Stephen.

0:28:130:28:15

Is it something beginning with M?

0:28:150:28:17

If that was me, it would be me trying to work out how the...

0:28:170:28:19

-Scratching?

-..bloody thing works with a printer.

0:28:190:28:21

-Well, it does begin with M.

-Massaging something?

0:28:210:28:24

-If I tell you that he's a professor.

-He's got a massive mouse on his leg.

0:28:240:28:27

-Milking, mousing.

-"Massive mouse."

0:28:270:28:30

You're right to think of an animal, cos he's a scientist -

0:28:300:28:32

a professor at the University of Kentucky.

0:28:320:28:35

Has he got his finger stuck in a moose?

0:28:350:28:37

LAUGHTER

0:28:370:28:41

He's a Mexican, he's a Mexican man,

0:28:410:28:43

and he's pressing a child against a cactus under the desk.

0:28:430:28:46

LAUGHTER

0:28:460:28:48

He's a cruel man.

0:28:480:28:49

He is Professor Grayson Brown,

0:28:490:28:51

and he's an entomologist of a particular kind.

0:28:510:28:54

A culicidologist, if that makes any sense to you.

0:28:540:28:57

-Molluscs?

-Not molluscs.

0:28:570:28:59

-Oh.

-An entomologist.

-Mosquitoes.

0:28:590:29:01

Mosquitoes is the right answer.

0:29:010:29:02

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:020:29:05

-Wow!

-On fire.

0:29:050:29:07

Sorry.

0:29:070:29:09

That's brilliant.

0:29:090:29:10

He's very serious in his study of mosquitoes,

0:29:100:29:12

and he was allowing 1,000 mosquitoes -

0:29:120:29:15

as he does every morning,

0:29:150:29:16

while he carries on doing his e-mails -

0:29:160:29:18

to feast on his arm.

0:29:180:29:21

His body is so used to it they no longer leave a mark, apparently.

0:29:210:29:24

It's most bizarre.

0:29:240:29:25

Asian mosquitoes are very picky,

0:29:250:29:28

they only, ONLY, feast on humans...

0:29:280:29:30

They won't eat the blood of any other animal.

0:29:300:29:33

..and, in order to keep them happy,

0:29:330:29:35

obviously they need a big supply of blood.

0:29:350:29:37

So, he and his fellow workers...

0:29:370:29:38

And some animals, it has to be said, in his lab,

0:29:380:29:41

also supply the blood for other breeds of mosquito -

0:29:410:29:44

but, for the Asian ones, it's just humans.

0:29:440:29:48

And, of course, they have to keep them breeding.

0:29:480:29:50

Now, they're odd, these Asian mosquitoes,

0:29:500:29:53

cos they're really a bit lazy.

0:29:530:29:54

I suppose they produce so many thousands...

0:29:540:29:56

What's he trying to find out?

0:29:560:29:58

I mean, what is there left to know about these creatures?

0:29:580:30:00

Well, given how many millions of people they kill every year,

0:30:000:30:03

it's kind of... You can't know enough.

0:30:030:30:05

Cos they kill more, as you know, than wars.

0:30:050:30:07

But in order to get them to mate, to force-mate them.

0:30:070:30:10

Play some Barry White, give them some wine.

0:30:100:30:12

LAUGHTER

0:30:120:30:14

Well, that's what I thought, but in this case,

0:30:140:30:16

-they decapitate the male...

-Oh, that's different.

0:30:160:30:18

-No, no, that wouldn't work.

-Good so far.

0:30:180:30:20

LAUGHTER ..they anaesthetise the female.

0:30:200:30:23

They then insert the male's genitals

0:30:230:30:25

into his unconscious partner.

0:30:250:30:28

Despite the lack of the male's head,

0:30:280:30:30

and the lack of the female's consciousness,

0:30:300:30:32

the insects lock together,

0:30:320:30:33

sperm is transferred,

0:30:330:30:35

and the female becomes pregnant.

0:30:350:30:37

Does that happen with humans? SHE MOUTHS

0:30:370:30:39

-Yes?

-Well, if you've had enough Jagermeister,

0:30:390:30:41

-I suppose it will, yeah.

-LAUGHTER

0:30:410:30:44

And a skilled entomologist can do this without a microscope.

0:30:440:30:47

That's nothing to brag about, though, is it?

0:30:470:30:49

No, it probably isn't!

0:30:490:30:51

"Oh, I can make mosquitoes bang without a microscope."

0:30:510:30:53

LAUGHTER

0:30:530:30:55

We had a pair of preying mantis once in the kitchen,

0:30:550:30:58

In a... You know, in the tank, obviously.

0:30:580:31:01

And I came home one night and the male praying mantis

0:31:010:31:04

was on the kitchen floor

0:31:040:31:05

walking across, like, towards the door.

0:31:050:31:07

And I went, "Oh, no, he's got out of the t... Oh, what a shame."

0:31:070:31:10

And I carefully scooped him up,

0:31:100:31:11

and I placed him back in the tank, very gently,

0:31:110:31:13

and the female pounced and bit his head off and...

0:31:130:31:15

LAUGHTER

0:31:150:31:17

..he was clearly making a break for it.

0:31:170:31:19

-Oh, because they do.

-The whole time, "No, don't put me back there. Oh."

0:31:190:31:22

-The females do eat the males, don't they?

-Yes, they do.

0:31:220:31:24

-So, they must have just mated.

-They must have just... And he was off.

0:31:240:31:27

Yeah. Oh, dear, oh, dear.

0:31:270:31:28

Now, then, what's the world's oldest complaint?

0:31:280:31:31

"I'm dying."

0:31:310:31:33

LAUGHTER

0:31:330:31:34

Er...

0:31:360:31:37

-We're after the first recorded complaint.

-Oh.

0:31:370:31:39

A medical complaint?

0:31:390:31:40

-Not a medical complaint, actually.

-Oh, right.

0:31:400:31:42

Complaint as in a moan, as in a...

0:31:420:31:44

Oh, I see, so the...

0:31:440:31:45

Where were the earliest pieces of writing that we have?

0:31:450:31:48

In hieroglyphs?

0:31:480:31:50

Not hieroglyphs, actually - they're made with reeds...

0:31:500:31:53

poked into wet clay onto tablets,

0:31:530:31:55

so the edge of the reed is like a wedge shape,

0:31:550:31:58

and Latin for "wedge," cuneus...

0:31:580:32:02

Cuneiform?

0:32:020:32:03

-Cuneiform, yes.

-Oh, right.

0:32:030:32:06

Which was where - where did they do that?

0:32:060:32:08

-It's...

-Babylon.

0:32:080:32:09

-Babylon, yeah, Mesopotamia.

-Mesopotamia!

0:32:090:32:12

Mesopotamia!

0:32:120:32:13

Knew it'd come up!

0:32:130:32:14

-LAUGHTER

-Keep saying it.

0:32:140:32:16

"Keep saying it, it'll be right in a minute."

0:32:160:32:18

And they have an enormous number of these in the British Museum,

0:32:180:32:22

-a fantastic collection.

-Stolen!

0:32:220:32:24

Well...

0:32:240:32:25

Sorry - saved.

0:32:250:32:26

-LAUGHTER Saved!

-Salvaged.

0:32:260:32:28

-What, so it's a complaint, you're saying?

-It's a complaint.

0:32:280:32:31

It's from a merchant, and it's nearly 4,000 years old.

0:32:310:32:35

It's an ancient Babylonian copper merchant.

0:32:350:32:38

He's called Nanni.

0:32:380:32:39

He's complaining to a supplier called Ea-nasir

0:32:390:32:42

that he's received a shipment of copper ore which was late,

0:32:420:32:46

and it was damaged and of an inferior grade.

0:32:460:32:49

"You have put ingots which were not good enough before my messenger,

0:32:490:32:53

"and said, 'If you want to take them, take them.

0:32:530:32:55

"'If you do not want to take them, go away.'

0:32:550:32:57

"What do you take me for,

0:32:570:32:58

"that you treat me with such contempt?

0:32:580:33:00

"You alone treat my messenger with contempt.

0:33:000:33:02

"You have withheld my money bag from me in enemy territory.

0:33:020:33:06

"It's now up to you to restore my money to me in full."

0:33:060:33:10

I was thinking that earlier and I should have said it.

0:33:100:33:12

You...! LAUGHTER

0:33:120:33:14

Would there be a series of these complaints going back and forth?

0:33:140:33:17

We don't have... STEPHEN LAUGHS

0:33:170:33:19

"I refer you to the tablet of the 14th."

0:33:190:33:21

LAUGHTER

0:33:210:33:23

"I still have not received redress on the copper."

0:33:230:33:25

LAUGHTER

0:33:250:33:26

On and on, like, piles and piles of these things.

0:33:260:33:29

"Stick your ingots where the sun don't shine."

0:33:290:33:32

LAUGHTER

0:33:320:33:33

"I will be speaking to you now through my lawyers."

0:33:330:33:36

I mean, the things that survived most in terms of writing

0:33:360:33:40

-are nearly always things to do with money and trade.

-Mmm.

0:33:400:33:43

Cos that's what people cared about most,

0:33:430:33:44

and that's how writing seemed to develop.

0:33:440:33:46

So, the world's first complaint was composed on a tablet.

0:33:460:33:50

But now it's time to move on

0:33:500:33:51

to the low-hanging fruit of General Ignorance.

0:33:510:33:54

What kind of animal is a musk ox?

0:33:540:33:57

Is it an ox?

0:33:580:33:59

KLAXON BLARES Oh!

0:33:590:34:01

How could you think such a thing?

0:34:010:34:03

-What kind of animal is a musk ox?

-Musk.

0:34:040:34:06

KLAXON BLARES

0:34:060:34:07

Not a musk.

0:34:070:34:09

That's...

0:34:090:34:10

LAUGHTER

0:34:100:34:11

-You did say musk!

-Is it a deer?

0:34:110:34:14

Is it a banana, Stephen?

0:34:140:34:15

Not a banana! LAUGHTER

0:34:150:34:17

-Have a look at one.

-Have a look at one?

0:34:170:34:19

-Yeah, have a look at some musk oxen.

-Cow.

-Bison.

0:34:190:34:22

-Not a bison, no.

-Is it a sheep?

0:34:220:34:24

A snake?

0:34:240:34:25

Sheep is the right answer-ish.

0:34:250:34:27

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-A goat?

0:34:270:34:29

A goat!

0:34:290:34:31

It's a goat, well done.

0:34:320:34:34

-It's a goat.

-Got its horns right down the side, low down -

0:34:340:34:37

that's very difficult for rutting, isn't it?

0:34:370:34:39

Got to go up next to someone and hook them.

0:34:390:34:41

And they have enormous coats of fur.

0:34:410:34:44

Thought you might have said something else there.

0:34:440:34:46

LAUGHTER

0:34:460:34:47

Really huge, and they are very...

0:34:470:34:49

very good at surviving cold temperatures.

0:34:490:34:51

So good that they survived the cold temperature

0:34:510:34:54

that many of their fellow animals at the time didn't -

0:34:540:34:56

the sabre-toothed tiger, for example.

0:34:560:34:58

-ALAN GASPS

-Ice age!

0:34:580:35:00

The ice age - they survived the ice age.

0:35:000:35:02

And they're a hardy, hardy beast.

0:35:020:35:05

They have this wonderful butting contest where they butt heads.

0:35:050:35:09

Males, don't they - they have these tremendous battles, male...

0:35:090:35:13

Man on man... Mano a mano.

0:35:130:35:15

-"Mano a mano" means "hand to hand."

-Yeah.

0:35:150:35:18

OK, what's the head, then?

0:35:180:35:20

LAUGHTER

0:35:200:35:22

Well, yeah, despite its name,

0:35:220:35:24

the musk ox is a member of the goat family.

0:35:240:35:27

What do magpies like to steal?

0:35:270:35:30

Shiny things.

0:35:300:35:31

KLAXON BLARES LAUGHTER

0:35:310:35:34

Everyone knows that!

0:35:340:35:35

-Oh, Alany, Alany, Alany-walany, Alany-walany-woo.

-Come on!

0:35:350:35:38

-No. We think they do, but they don't.

-Oh.

0:35:380:35:41

-We've done tests. Well, WE haven't, people have.

-Have you?

0:35:410:35:44

Out of 64 of them, magpies picked up a shiny object only twice,

0:35:440:35:47

and then immediately dropped it.

0:35:470:35:48

They're not interested in shiny things.

0:35:480:35:51

Like all animals, they're interested in things that look like food or...

0:35:510:35:54

that they can shag. LAUGHTER

0:35:540:35:56

The... It's folklore surrounding them, seems to be just that -

0:35:560:35:59

folklore, anecdotes.

0:35:590:36:01

But the Italian for magpie...

0:36:010:36:03

..leads to an interesting thing.

0:36:040:36:05

-FAUX ITALIAN ACCENT:

-Magpie-o.

0:36:050:36:07

LAUGHTER

0:36:070:36:09

Awfully nice thought.

0:36:090:36:10

Do you know the Rossini opera, The Thieving Magpie?

0:36:100:36:13

Called "La Gazza Ladra."

0:36:130:36:14

"Gazza" is a magpie,

0:36:140:36:17

and a little magpie, "gazzetta."

0:36:170:36:20

-Oh, it's the newspaper.

-Called the "gazzetta".

0:36:200:36:23

A newspaper - gazette.

0:36:230:36:24

And that's it, the gossipy chatter,

0:36:240:36:26

-like a magpie.

-Ah!

0:36:260:36:28

That's where we get that word, "gazette".

0:36:280:36:30

-I like... I quite like that one.

-Yeah, me too.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, certainly.

0:36:300:36:33

Also, if I were to say that the magpie's real name is a pie,

0:36:330:36:37

it's a pie.

0:36:370:36:38

Then where does the "mag" come from?

0:36:380:36:41

-Margaret.

-Yeah.

0:36:410:36:43

-Margaret.

-Was it?

-Yeah.

0:36:430:36:44

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:36:440:36:48

Where did that come from?

0:36:480:36:52

"Margaret Pie."

0:36:520:36:54

In medieval England, it was common to give birds a Christian name,

0:36:540:36:57

sometimes, and the ones that have survived have included magpie.

0:36:570:37:02

-Which other ones can you...?

-Robin.

-Robin.

0:37:020:37:04

-Robin redbreast.

-Robin redbreast.

0:37:040:37:05

Robin's the only one where the first name is the one that's kept...

0:37:050:37:08

-Dave Starling.

-Sorry? LAUGHTER

0:37:080:37:10

-Joseph Starling?

-No, big Dave Starling.

0:37:100:37:13

LAUGHTER

0:37:130:37:14

Joseph would have been funny.

0:37:140:37:16

Joseph Starling is good, yeah. I like that. I prefer that.

0:37:160:37:18

-Not as funny as Dave, but it's better.

-Yeah.

0:37:180:37:21

Tomtit.

0:37:210:37:22

-Jenny Wren.

-Tomtit, yeah.

0:37:220:37:23

Charlie Crow.

0:37:230:37:25

-Jackdaw.

-Jackdaw.

-Oh, jackdaw.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:37:250:37:28

-So there are a few of them.

-Christopher Chaffinch.

0:37:280:37:31

LAUGHTER

0:37:310:37:34

-We had an injured bird in the garden yesterday...

-Oh.

0:37:340:37:37

..and it looked like a magpie, and it couldn't take off,

0:37:370:37:40

and I was watching it for ages. I didn't know what to do with it,

0:37:400:37:43

so I opened the back gate and shooed it out.

0:37:430:37:44

LAUGHTER

0:37:440:37:46

-Oh, dear.

-What do you think it was, then? What make?

-"The back gate."

0:37:460:37:50

-I think it was a young crow...

-Yeah.

0:37:500:37:53

..that was having a bit of trouble with flight,

0:37:530:37:56

-because it flew into a bush...

-Oh, dear.

0:37:560:37:58

..and I presume it's dead by now.

0:37:580:38:00

LAUGHTER

0:38:000:38:01

-That's it, you...?

-And that's the end of tonight's Springwatch.

-Yes.

0:38:010:38:04

LAUGHTER

0:38:040:38:07

APPLAUSE

0:38:070:38:13

What could you have done with it?

0:38:130:38:15

-I don't know, what are you going to do with a bird?

-Shoot it, shoot it.

0:38:150:38:17

-Take it out.

-Shoot the...

0:38:170:38:19

-Sniper's rifle, through the brain.

-I could have gone after it,

0:38:190:38:22

because it was in the garden and couldn't get out.

0:38:220:38:24

-I could have easily got it with a tennis racket.

-Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

-AUDIENCE GASPS

0:38:240:38:28

Just scoop it up with a tennis racket

0:38:280:38:29

-and hit it with a frying pan...

-LAUGHTER

0:38:290:38:31

..and chuck it over the wall. That's what I'd do.

0:38:310:38:33

And then its parents would have come and ate it, wouldn't they?

0:38:330:38:36

-Yeah, that's right.

-Let's face it, it is the wild.

-Yeah.

-Exactly, yes.

0:38:360:38:39

Even if it is Hampstead.

0:38:390:38:40

LAUGHTER

0:38:400:38:42

It's wild for them, though.

0:38:420:38:43

They'd have had it in a coulis.

0:38:430:38:45

LAUGHTER

0:38:450:38:48

A crow couscous.

0:38:480:38:51

With some quinoa.

0:38:510:38:52

LAUGHTER

0:38:520:38:53

I wonder what its name was.

0:38:530:38:55

Clive, I expect.

0:38:550:38:56

No, I think it was Vel.

0:38:560:38:58

-Vel?

-Vel-crow.

-"Velcro."

0:38:580:39:00

APPLAUSE

0:39:000:39:03

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

0:39:030:39:06

So, magpies aren't particularly interested in shiny objects.

0:39:060:39:10

How many paintings did Vincent Van Gogh -

0:39:100:39:13

or "Goch," or "Gough," or "Go"...

0:39:130:39:15

How many did he sell while he was alive?

0:39:150:39:17

Don't say none.

0:39:170:39:18

TURNTABLE SCRATCHES

0:39:180:39:20

None! I'm going to say none.

0:39:200:39:21

KLAXON BLARES

0:39:210:39:24

-D'oh!

-D'oh!

0:39:240:39:26

Really, I'm afraid...

0:39:260:39:29

-One.

-A few, maybe?

0:39:290:39:30

KLAXON BLARES

0:39:300:39:32

"A few".

0:39:320:39:34

It was lots. He sold hundreds of paintings.

0:39:340:39:37

-Hundreds?!

-Yeah, when he was 15,

0:39:370:39:38

he used to work in an art gallery.

0:39:380:39:40

-Oh, shut up!

-LAUGHTER

0:39:400:39:42

It's true.

0:39:420:39:43

I just asked you how many paintings...

0:39:430:39:46

This is the closest I've come to walking out of this show!

0:39:460:39:48

I'd like a recount on those two.

0:39:480:39:51

It was a horribly mean question,

0:39:510:39:53

but the fact is, he did sell hundreds,

0:39:530:39:55

they just weren't his own.

0:39:550:39:57

He was very good at selling them, too -

0:39:570:39:59

he did extremely well, and it was a big French company,

0:39:590:40:02

and his brother, Theo,

0:40:020:40:04

ran the Montmartre branch,

0:40:040:40:06

and Vincent relocated, after a while, to the London branch.

0:40:060:40:10

And he spent two years in London, living in Brixton,

0:40:100:40:13

and he called it the happiest time of his life.

0:40:130:40:16

Yeah, he did really well, and he loved it.

0:40:160:40:18

-Good fun in Brixton.

-It's great.

-It was good fun, it's a good place.

0:40:180:40:21

-Brixton Village.

-Brixton Village.

0:40:210:40:22

He would have gone and got some chicken from Chickenliquor,

0:40:220:40:25

that's real nice.

0:40:250:40:26

-Yeah.

-Is that your manor?

0:40:260:40:29

I used to live in Brixton and...

0:40:290:40:31

Do you know what I nearly did then? I nearly called you "man,"

0:40:310:40:33

-and then I stopped myself.

-Thank you.

0:40:330:40:35

-I just want you to appreciate that.

-I really do. Thank you.

0:40:350:40:38

-Anyway, perhaps the most surprising thing we'll all learn today...

-Yes.

0:40:380:40:43

..is that, after Brixton,

0:40:430:40:45

he came back to the UK in 1876,

0:40:450:40:48

and Vincent Van Gogh...

0:40:480:40:50

worked...

0:40:500:40:51

as a supply teacher in Ramsgate.

0:40:510:40:54

-Oh!

-Isn't that wonderful?

0:40:540:40:56

-Wow.

-That's a big surprise, isn't it?

-It is. It is, yeah.

0:40:560:40:59

I wonder if the children remembered him for years afterwards...

0:40:590:41:02

-Mr Van Gogh?

-..as a flame-haired figure.

-Moody sod.

0:41:020:41:04

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Then he became a painter, supported financially,

0:41:040:41:07

and, indeed, emotionally by his brother, Theo.

0:41:070:41:09

He suffered from tinnitus, vertigo and, of course, depression,

0:41:090:41:12

and he killed himself aged 37.

0:41:120:41:15

Only one of his 900 paintings

0:41:150:41:18

was sold in his lifetime.

0:41:180:41:20

Sold to a remarkable woman called Anna Boch,

0:41:200:41:23

-who was, herself, a painter.

-One.

0:41:230:41:24

-You said one!

-I said one.

-You said one.

0:41:240:41:26

I asked how many paintings, not how many of HIS OWN paintings.

0:41:260:41:29

BILL GROANS

0:41:290:41:30

I know, I'm sorry, but, look, I did say...

0:41:300:41:32

Chairman of the Pedantic Association.

0:41:320:41:34

LAUGHTER

0:41:340:41:36

"It's actually the Society of Pedantics, but I'll let that go."

0:41:360:41:39

Yes, exactly, in fact. LAUGHTER

0:41:390:41:42

Anna Boch paid 400 francs

0:41:420:41:44

for a painting of his called The Red Vineyard,

0:41:440:41:47

which is rather beautiful.

0:41:470:41:49

About £1,000 today, that would be.

0:41:490:41:52

Bet he had a big night that night.

0:41:520:41:54

Well, it was only four months before his death,

0:41:540:41:56

so it obviously didn't cheer him up enormously.

0:41:560:41:58

Five out of the 30 most valuable paintings ever sold at auction

0:41:580:42:02

are Van Goghs.

0:42:020:42:03

Four of them raising over 100 million each.

0:42:030:42:06

That, er... That was his life, a very unfortunate one in that sense.

0:42:060:42:10

But his work lives on for ever, of course.

0:42:100:42:13

And with that, the final whistle has blown and...

0:42:130:42:15

STEPHEN LAUGHS

0:42:150:42:17

..the match has come to an end.

0:42:170:42:19

It's actually a very extraordinary series of scores.

0:42:190:42:22

Um...

0:42:220:42:24

In first place, with plus eight -

0:42:240:42:26

yes, she WAS on fire - Jo Brand!

0:42:260:42:29

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:290:42:34

In second place...

0:42:340:42:37

with minus seven, it's James.

0:42:370:42:39

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:390:42:42

In third place...

0:42:420:42:45

with minus 32, is Bill Bailey.

0:42:450:42:48

-Minus, how...?

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:480:42:52

In fourth place...

0:42:520:42:54

with minus 41, Alan Davies.

0:42:540:42:55

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:550:42:58

So, all that remains for me

0:43:020:43:05

is to pull up the corner flags,

0:43:050:43:07

thank James, Bill, Jo and Alan,

0:43:070:43:09

and to leave you with this classic piece of Ron Atkinson

0:43:090:43:11

when asked about what made the perfect match.

0:43:110:43:14

"Well, Clive, it's all about the two M's -

0:43:140:43:17

"movement and positioning."

0:43:170:43:19

Good night.

0:43:190:43:20

APPLAUSE

0:43:200:43:23

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