Marvellous Messy Minds My Life

# I can make you happy Make your dreams come true

# Oh, there's nothing that I wouldn't do... #

'My name's Libby, and the reason I want to make this documentary'

is so that I can help people understand that there's

nothing wrong at all with having a mental illness.

SHE APPLAUDS Whoo!

Hi, I'm Ethan, and, erm...

Yeah, I think it's important for me to make this film.

Mainly because I want people to know how it feels to have

low self-esteem, and people with low self-esteem

won't have to feel like they're the only ones going through it.

Hopefully this will show them

that just cos you have it doesn't mean you're not perfect.

'My name's Oliver.'

I want to take part in this documentary to help reduce

the stigma around mental health,

and to let people know that they're not alone.

On the outside, Ethan, Oliver and I might seem like regular teenagers.

But on the inside, there's a lot going on in our heads.

Our mental health problems mean we find some simple,

everyday tasks really difficult.

I hate phoning people.

But we're determined not to let our marvellous,

messy minds hold us back.

Find out how the three of us get on as we try

and overcome our own mental-health challenges.

And hopefully you can pick up some top tips along the way.

DOG BARKS

'My name's Libby.

'I live with my mum, my dad, and my younger brothers, Max and Will.'

I have suffered with anxiety for a year now,

possibly longer than that, like, a year and six months.

Things that make me quite anxious are things that most people

will probably find really easy to do.

So, walking to school by myself,

I feel really uncomfortable when I have to cross a road,

and I avoid doing them because they make me anxious,

which, you know, isn't really going to help

at the end of the day, is it?

No.

My brother Max walks me to school.

He is my younger brother, and I live two minutes away.

I think it's just because when I'm walking to school I get really

anxious, and I just get really scared, cos I feel quite vulnerable.

So having him there is sort of like he's protecting me,

even though he is younger.

People looking will probably think,

"Well, get over it, what's the problem?"

But it really hits her hard when it does hit her.

One of the first times I think I experienced my anxiety was

when I decided to meet up with some friends,

and my dad had dropped me off.

Dad told me that he was actually worried about you,

because you completely freaked out on him.

And I just remember feeling really panicky, because I had to

cross this road, and it was one of the, like, main roads.

I just knew that I could not cross the road.

What happened that was so bad that it made your dad actually scared?

I don't know, I just didn't want to cross the road and get hit by a car.

All of a sudden, like, my heart was beating really fast, and I just...

was just, like, really scared and worried and, like, anxious.

Anxiety affects my body in different ways.

My heart beats really fast.

I have butterflies in my stomach, which make me feel sick.

I start to sweat, and my legs turn to jelly.

It's just really frustrating not being able to do normal

things like going to gigs, to see bands that I'm into.

This is what I want to do, this is the anxiety,

and I'm just sort of, like, walking and just bouncing off it,

and, you know, all I need to do is like,

kung fu the door down, and then walk on through to the gigs

of awesomeness and music and rock and roll.

OK, so...what are my goals for this year?

First goal is to be able to walk to school by myself, because I'm

reaching the age, really, where I'm sort of meant to be more...

more independent.

ALL: # He came down to Earth from Heaven

# Who is God... #

This is Ethan.

He lives with his mum, his dad, and his three sisters.

# And his shelter was a stable... #

Ethan was diagnosed with ADHD,

or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,

when he was nine years old.

And as a result, he has low self-esteem.

I can accept it when someone says, "You've been bad,"

I can accept that, but when someone says,

"Actually, Ethan, you've done well today."

I find it quite hard to accept, I don't know why.

Low self-esteem is when we find it hard to believe the good things

about ourselves, and when we think we can't do anything well.

The smaller this makes us feel,

the harder it is to think positively when people do say nice things.

This causes Ethan to get easily frustrated.

I get angry with really little,

petty things I just don't need to be getting angry about,

like not having ketchup with dinner, just makes me angry.

So, some interesting things happened this week.

Well, not so much interesting.

Been quite a bad week for me, I got excluded from school, erm...

Yeah, I got fined for breaking the chair cos I got angry.

Sometimes I just wish I didn't get angry as easily,

because I think I'd be a much nicer person as well, to be around,

and it's quite upsetting to feel like people

feel like they have to be on guard when they're around me.

-Now, hold it nice and tight and put it up.

-OK.

How has last term gone for you?

I... I think trouble keeps seeming to find me.

Does that affect your confidence a bit?

Yeah, I think it... I think it makes me feel a bit...

a bit dull inside, a bit like, erm...a bit pathetic.

What are some things you're finding difficult?

I normally get angry when I try and express my feelings.

I don't know why, I just do,

so I find it quite hard to talk to people about myself.

You don't like looking people in the eye, do you?

-I can only look my mum in the eye.

-What about me?!

No, I mean, I can talk to you, and all.

Yeah, you've got to be able to talk man to man, eh?

Being honest, I feel ashamed sometimes when I talk to you, Dad.

-Right.

-That's honestly why I find it hard to look you in the eye.

Get some of this wood in.

'I think just disappointing my parents is one of the things

I have to deal with.'

After I've done something wrong, I think it's the truth of life -

you do something, you've got to live with the consequences,

no matter how bad they are. I find I can't really talk to people

-without making a fool of myself.

-How does that make you feel?

Makes me feel rubbish.

And then when you feel rubbish, what do you do?

Act rubbish.

-It's like a full circle, isn't it?

-Yeah.

Doesn't have to be that way.

All right, I think that's enough for today, now, let's finish.

-Let's do it.

-We'll finish it off tomorrow.

This is Oliver.

He lives with his mum,

his dad, and his two older brothers.

He's had anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder,

known as OCD, since he was really young.

Having OCD makes Oliver scared of germs and getting dirty.

'With my OCD, I was really afraid of germs,

'so I was always washing my hands, and the knock-on effect

'of that was that my hands were chapped and my skin was cracking.'

At one point I couldn't go to school

because my hands were cut all the way around.

How would you feel if I handed that one to you?

Oh, that's disgusting.

When you were about three, you were always asking me...

"Has anything happened today that can give me shorter life?"

Do you remember that?

I remember exactly.

And I think, like most parents, I thought it would pass by,

and that you would outgrow it.

And you didn't.

'OCD affects my everyday life'

by causing me to do things that would seem odd to other people.

So I straighten out my pens - people would think,

"Why are you doing that? Are you trying to get attention?"

And you're genuinely not, and I was always thinking, "What do you mean?"

I thought this was perfectly natural, cos it's what I have to do.

At first I thought it was normal.

Then I could see myself slowly, kind of, drifting apart from all

the other students, which kind of made me feel upset and secluded.

And that's when I really started to notice...

"Oh, maybe I'm alone, maybe I'm just a weird kid."

So I want to be able to do everything that a child should do.

Because I think if I can cross that boundary,

my life would be...

..phenomenally improved.

I could do so much more if I can just get control.

Oliver really wants to overcome his fear of dirt and germs.

A bad day to me is just a day when I just feel really upset

and really anxious, and lots of people think it's just quite

easy to, just, sort of, snap out of it.

THUNDER ROLLS

But it's sort of like I'm being followed

by this dark rain cloud.

The key thing about mental illness is that we need to talk about it.

Because people don't talk about it,

people then don't know how to help, so by talking about it

and being more open, people feel loved and more cared about.

I'm really grateful to have you guys as friends.

So what do you think your next step is to conquering your anxiety?

My mum's organised for me to see this therapist,

psychology person.

I don't know, I suppose the next step is just sitting down

and talking to him, and just seeing what he has to say.

When I was younger, I would always climb trees,

and I loved to climb trees, it was my life.

It makes me feel a sense of calmness,

and, like, whenever I get angry, I run to the park

and just climb on top of the really high climbing frame.

It just helps me to calm down.

A lot of my friends think,

"Oh, he's very confident," and sometimes I do come across

as confident, but inside I'm really unconfident.

I might look it on the outside, but I'm really not on the inside.

I want to feel as confident on the inside as I do on the outside.

THEY LAUGH

Ethan really doesn't like talking on the phone.

Do you ever, like, feel, like... it's hard to speak on the phone?

-It's easier than in person.

-Why?

Because you don't have to face them.

Face-to-face and doing eye contact is just...awkward.

On a phone, you don't have to look at them, you just talk.

I find it really hard to speak on the phone,

I find it easier to speak in person.

You can see if they're not liking what you're saying,

cos you know, they'll be like, "Mmm," but...

-So you prefer it in person?

-Yeah.

'Nearly all my friends are glued to their phone.

'I just don't see how they manage to do that,

'because it gets really awkward on the phone, I think.

'I end up just, you know, flustering and hanging up,

'cos I don't know how to act.'

Ethan really hopes he can build up the courage

to start using the phone more.

I want to organise a five-a-side football team for me and my friends,

but I think I'm very limited

because I'm not a very confident person on the phone.

Have you got everyone?

Erm... Yeah, I think I've got Louis, TJ...

Bit nervous, but I'm a bit excited at the same time.

I'm starting to feel up for it, I think,

that's the word - I'm feeling up for it.

'I am feeling determined to overcome my fear'

of walking to school,

and I'm really looking forward to the psychologist coming round,

because hopefully he can give me some tips and

help me out with how to cope with my anxiety.

And I will eventually conquer my fear.

So when we think about walking to school, OK,

-so you told me that's something you find really stressful.

-Yeah.

Has that been always the case?

I've never really walked to school by myself.

I can deal with walking, but only if I've got, you know,

headphones in, and I don't have to think about it.

OK, so you're doing some distraction.

The point of listening to music is so I don't hear myself walk.

If I can hear my footsteps, then everybody else can hear them,

and I just don't want to be the centre of attention.

So at the moment, if you were to walk to school by yourself,

without your headphones on, how anxious would you feel

out of 10, where 10 is really, really anxious?

-A nine, yeah.

-OK.

What can be really helpful with anxiety is to do the thing

that you're finding hard over and over and over.

You'll start off feeling 100% anxious at something,

and then the hope is that gradually, over time, you'll feel less so,

and so your first step is walking to school without the music on.

Gradually, in little steps, weaning yourself off the need for that.

At the back of your mind, you do know that it's going to be fine,

but you've just got to, like...

push yourself to do it, and then when you do, you, sort of,

can laugh at yourself a bit and go, "See? Told you! Wasn't that bad."

And one of the things that I think is really exciting

is when people decide, "I'm not having this push me around any more,

"I want to be in charge of my life, thank you very much."

-And you sound to me like you're feeling a bit more like that.

-Yeah.

'Jamie just made me feel like the things I feel

'when I am anxious are totally normal,'

'and that it's not just me that feels these things,'

it's a common thing if you do have anxiety,

so it was nice to know that it's not just me.

'Now I understand how to reduce my anxiety, I've decided to try

'and walk to school without using music as a distraction.

'Walking to school without my headphones

'isn't actually as scary as I thought it was going to be.

'So it just makes me feel more confident

'that I eventually will be able to just walk to school by myself.'

Today's just left me feeling...

..quite happy and confident in knowing that

I can properly battle my anxiety, and...

show it who's boss.

Do you remember when it was really difficult for you to come out

and do anything like this before?

I guess I used to think that if a leaf, kind of, landed

in my mouth, it would kill me, and the likelihood of that is very low.

And I think that's what I wasn't realising, so I was so terrified

of, kind of, losing my life, that I wasn't actually LIVING my life.

When anxiety really builds up, it can cause a panic attack.

-Remember when I was going to go to France in Year Six?

-I do.

-The night before...

-Yeah.

..I had a panic attack, I was scared,

I didn't know how I'd cope without you.

So I ran upstairs...

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

..and I was terrified.

A panic attack is when your breathing gets faster,

but your chest feels tight, so it's difficult to breathe.

Your heartbeat sounds really loud,

and you feel dizzy, as if you could faint.

People tend to think that when you're having a panic attack,

you're trying to get attention or...

it's just like, "Oh, just calm down! Stop it!"

And I'm thinking, "I wish I could, I genuinely wish I could."

Do you remember what you said to me?

You remind me.

My dad, my knight in shining armour, you said to me,

"You know what, Oliver? It's going to be OK.

"You're not the only person with these issues,

"and we can get you help, and you will fight through this."

And...that relaxed me so much.

Without family support, overcoming mental illness isn't impossible,

but it's just so much harder.

Oliver sees a psychiatrist to help him control his anxiety

and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

-There are things I'd like to talk to you about, but...

-Excellent, OK.

-OK.

All right, thank you.

Therapy is a lot like going to school.

'It teaches me new ways to fight my OCD and anxiety.'

-So as we talked about, it's good to face your fears...

-Mmm-hmm.

..in a gradual way.

OK.

So one idea is to, in fact,

make a fingerprint deliberately,

-and leave it there...

-OK, so...

-..without smudging it away.

Being able to talk to someone about my issues is something that

I find very useful, because it gets a huge weight off your shoulders,

and you feel so much better afterwards.

If you're starting to feel really worried, it's very important

to recognise it and to stop for a moment, take a deep breath...

That's it, perfect. That's really important.

And I think that's what I struggled with to begin with as well, is I...

I wouldn't quite understand

when I was getting anxious till it's too late,

and I need to be able to, like you said,

get on top of that before it gets to that stage.

Mmm-hmm.

'I wanted to talk a bit about having low confidence

'and how that affects me.

'Talking to new people, it's really hard for me to actually'

start the conversation in the first place, and, erm...

I think a lot of people take it for granted how easy it is to

just talk to someone.

Do you often find that you feel anger as well as anxiety?

I feel anger quite a lot during the day,

then anxiety during the night, that's why I don't sleep very well.

This is Kay. She runs a confidence-boosting workshop.

So that's your body, when you get angry, the blood flows much,

much quicker and you can feel it in your heart, yeah?

But if you were to stop and breathe,

all of those particles will

eventually drop to the bottom, and everything will be calm.

So it's a little bit about getting you to feel

calmer in situations where you feel anxious.

I feel low rather than high, lately.

I think this is really going to help me feel more high than low,

you know?

You're still Ethan, but you can pretend that you're confident Ethan.

But the thing is, when I'm on the phone, I am confident,

but in terms of, like,

I put a different person on, and that's not me.

Why do you feel like you can't be yourself on the phone?

Erm... I don't know, cos I don't feel very confident about myself.

-Do you think you put yourself down a bit?

-Yeah, a little bit, yeah.

-Yeah?

-So it's about highlighting your strengths, yeah?

-Mmm.

And also it's about focus.

-So with confidence, sometimes, if you can act confident...

-Mmm.

..you'll become confident.

And it's practice as well, the more you do something,

the more it becomes second nature to you.

One of my teachers once told me that if you work

and you don't enjoy it but you put a smile on, you kind of enjoy it more.

-Smiling's really important.

-Yeah.

Really important. Cos if you smile...

Right, if I want you to smile now...

-Yeah!

-All that negativity disappears, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

It's hard to smile and think of something negative at the same time.

'I found the confidence class really good.

'She's given me some good advice on talking on the phone.

'She told me to visualise that they're there.'

Because then I don't feel like I'm talking to a blank wall,

I feel like I'm actually talking to them.

GUITAR PLAYS A SOFT TUNE

'I'm really passionate about music,

'and I think it's a brilliant way to express yourself.'

# Oh-oh-oh...

# All you're searching for was... #

..me?

-I don't know!

-You don't know how that bit goes!

'Now I'm starting to control my anxiety to walk to school,

'maybe I can use the same techniques

'to help me sing in front of an audience.'

Ever since I got stage fright, like,

I don't want to perform in front of...

people I know, cos they'll be really...

-judgey.

-What about busking?

Busking? That's a good idea.

I think busking would make me less anxious, because nobody's

going to come up and like...

-Judge?

-..tell me... Yeah, and judge and tell me I'm a failure.

-So it would help?

-So it would help.

-It would help.

SHE LAUGHS

Just about to start doing my phone calls for my five-a-side team,

to organise it.

Yeah, I'm a bit nervous, but I'm also a bit, um, excited, just to see

if that confidence-building class actually did help me.

I really do think it did,

so I'm going to try the techniques she taught me.

Who do you think we should call first?

Um, I think we should call my mate Nathan.

-RINGING TONE

-Oh, I hate phoning people.

-Oh, hi, Nathan, you all right?

-'Yeah, you?'

I was wondering if you're still up for coming over on Saturday

for the five-a-side thing?

'Yeah, I'll be up for that, yeah.'

See you. Bye.

Well done. That was good. He's so cool.

-So, how about calling Corrine.

-Hello? How... How are you?

'I'm great, thanks.'

So, the five-a-side thing's at two o'clock at the leisure centre.

'Um, I don't think I'll be able to come.'

-She can't come.

-She can't come.

-She's just rejected.

-No, that's OK...

-No, I'm hanging up on her.

-Ethan...

-That was really harsh. I'll call her back and say sorry.

-Yes, call her.

-Yeah.

-Hello?

-'Are you all right?'

Oh, sorry about that.

Um, don't worry about it. See you on, er, Sunday.

-'Bye.'

-Bye.

How did it feel like when she couldn't make it?

I had all these lists for saying, "Thanks for coming,"

-I haven't had anything about "if you don't come..."

-Ah.

What do I say?

So it was a bit like...

Ah, so maybe you can make another little list, as in,

somebody can't come, you know what to say.

Despite the hiccup,

Ethan finds the confidence to finish making his calls.

Well done, Ethan. I'm really proud of you.

You did a good job there.

-Thanks.

-So you've got your players.

-We've got, er... We need a ref.

That's it, we need the ref.

So who do you think could be a ref?

-WHISTLE

-Goal!

I feel like I've achieved something.

I've managed to finish something and follow it through.

You'll never know how far you can go if you don't take that first step.

And I think that by taking that first step,

you're actually doing yourself a favour.

THEY CHEER

If you know anyone who's got low self-esteem, be there for them

when they're on their lows and their downs.

Don't be a friend who's only there when they're happy

and not when they're sad.

Because when they're sad is when they're most in need of you.

This morning, I've decided that I'm going to walk to school by myself.

'Close your eyes and place both hands on your belly.'

Out of ten, I'm probably a six or a seven.

'Take a few big breaths

'and see if you can get your hands to rise even higher.'

Something could still go wrong, Max won't be there,

I won't have my earphones, but at the same time, I'm weirdly excited.

I think that's mainly because, if I CAN do it,

then I've sort of proved to myself that nothing will happen.

But I can still feel my heart beating like mad.

Wish me luck, Will.

HEARTBEAT

Urgh. I'm a bit worried.

Oh, no, there's a car. Oh, God.

What are you doing?

OK, he's gone. That's good.

I hate this hill, I always trip up on the gravel.

If I trip up, I'll cry.

Ooh, I'm here!

I did it. I made it in one piece. Everything went well.

I'm really proud of myself, actually.

I'm quite surprised that I managed to actually do it, but...

Ooh! I don't know. I mean, it wasn't 100% anxiety-free.

Oh, no, there's a car! Oh, God. What are you doing?

'But I feel like the more I work on it'

and the more I actually do do it by myself, the better it will get.

Remember how Oliver's obsessive-compulsive disorder

means he hates getting dirty?

Well, look at how far he's come.

OCD and anxiety is something that will always be a part of me,

but I have learnt to control it and I'm still learning to control it.

I'm developing new skills every day and it's getting easier and easier.

I just swallowed a leaf. That was nasty.

HE RETCHES

Now, Oliver's so good at controlling his OCD,

he's got a new hobby.

Which is all about getting muddy and being outside.

I do Cadets.

The first night, I was hooked.

Right, Hamburger, you grab that corner, I'll grab this corner.

Right, shake it up. Grab this.

And it's something that I've found

a huge release from my anxiety and OCD

because I know I can go to Cadets, have fun with my mates

and talk to them and they won't judge me.

I guess that's the best thing about Army Cadets.

Anybody else enjoying this? It's really comfortable.

Oh, move over, Hamburger! Come on, let them all in!

Right, so, it's the weekend, and me and Oli

are going busking and I'm so excited.

I'm also really scared, in case people boo us or something.

-Are you nervous?

-Yeah.

-At least you're not the only one.

-Yep, great.

Right, you ready?

-Yeah, let's do this. Come on.

-Yeah!

# Keep your head up, keep your heart strong

# No, no, no, no

# Keep your mind up, keep your hair long

# All right, my darling

# Keep your head up

# Keep your heart strong

# No, no, no, no... #

I feel quite proud of myself to see how far I've come

in the past few months and how hard I've actually tried,

and that it's all becoming worth it, because I'm making little

doggy steps, but they're leading up to something really good.

# And I tried my best, to embrace the darkness... #

I feel so proud of myself now,

because I've gone from being scared to go outside and drink out of other

people's cups, to running around in the woods, crawling through the

mud and dirt and now I'm starting to live my life to the full.

# Keep your hair long

# All right, my darling... #

We're all very proud of how far we've come

and we all should feel that way,

because it's very difficult to change

your mental state and how you think.

So when you do, you've overcome yourself and you've made yourself

a better, happier person - and what else is there to be?

# Oh, keep your heart strong. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Keep your head up, keep your heart strong

# No, no, no, no,

# Keep your mind set, keep your hair long

# All right, my darling

# Keep your head up, keep your heart strong

# No, no, no, no, keep your mind set in your ways. #