Surround Yourself with the Right People and the Rest is Easy The Call Centre

This programme contains strong language

Over a million people now work in UK call centres,

with an average age of just 26.

'I'm not interested, thank you.'

'I think it's all a scam, to be honest with you.'

They're the factories of our time

but here, at the third largest call centre in Swansea,

the only things being made are the cold calls we dread.

'No, no, no, stop bloody bothering me.'

'I really don't want these calls,

'especially not at seven o'clock in the evening.'

Holding the reins is CEO, Nev Wiltshire.

With over half of his sales agents under 25, Nev has developed

a unique approach to keeping his young workforce on their toes.

Sums up my management style?

Get out of my office!

A yawn at the back! Get down!

Probably Napoleon, dictator.

Tell her she's sacked then.

But his troupes loved him.

He's awful, absolutely awful.

And with a sales floor simmering with stress...

'Piss off!'

This ain't funny, no, this ain't funny now,

cos you could've broke it.

I'm going to kill someone.

..sex...

..and success.

Almost getting a little excited in my pants right now.

Oose! Oose!

There's never a dull day when you work at this Swansea call centre.

There's winners and there's losers and that's it.

To be in charge of 700 people, sometimes it's daunting

but I love it, absolutely love it.

Welcome to Nev's world.

Nev's management inspiration, Napoleon, once said,

that ability is nothing without opportunity, so today,

Nev wants to give an opportunity

to one of his ambitious young sales agents.

18-year-old, Robinson, has only been working at the call centre

for six months but he's already after a promotion.

Where... Where's Robinson? You got a chair, Robinson?

Are you going to adjudicate this?

I'll adjudicate, yeah.

OK, all it is, right, he's going to be an assistant team leader

if he can beat me in an arm wrestle, right? That's the deal.

-No ifs, no buts, no interviews.

-Right.

-He's a nice boy.

There's no way you could lose, is there?

I don't think so, however, if you lose there's a forfeit.

What is the forfeit?

You're going to be in charge of cleaning toilets for a week

and the kitchen.

I want the canteen spankingly clean and the toilets, no mess anywhere.

-You're going to be toilet monitor for a week.

-Ah, a week?

There's your Marigolds.

Now, you don't have to go for it, what do you fancy?

-Go for it.

-You're still going to go for it?

-Yeah.

He's going to go for it.

Nev, is a fully formed man.

He stands six foot three

and although he keeps his weight a secret,

he's probably around 17 stone.

Robinson is still growing and weighs in at less than 12 stone.

I don't know how old he is, 40, 50?

He's strong though, he's worked all his life, big shoulders.

See what happens.

We actively encourage competition here.

I mean it is, it's a competitive environment

and erm, it's a happy environment.

People have got to be happy, they've got to be energetic,

they've got to be enthusiastic, but they've also got to be competitive.

I reckon I can take him.

Are you going? Somebody say, go!

-Go!

-Come on!

Come on!

Good effort, where's the Marigolds?

Does that mean I don't have to go on the phones?

Ah! One more?

-You want double or quits?

-Yeah.

He wants to go again.

What Robinson doesn't know, is that Nev hasn't lost

a call centre arm wrestle for over four years.

-Where you going?

-That's cheating.

-No, it's not.

Go on, Nev!

Come on, Nev. You're going all red, there.

Nev's unbeaten run continues.

He lost to a 53-year-old.

But for Robinson, not only has he missed out on promotion,

he's now facing the next two weeks with his hands down the toilet.

-Good effort, do you want to hug it out?

-Yeah.

Keep the Marigolds away from me.

And it looks like he'll have to wait

for a more traditional route to the top.

I absolutely detest losing.

Erm, all the toys go out of the pram if I lose.

If I'm playing Tiddlywinks, I've got to win.

Got to win, I couldn't even let my kids beat me.

Robinson isn't the only ambitious go-getter in the call centre.

Tea lady, Hayley, is also full of bright ideas

and although Nev may be head of a multi-million pound business empire,

it won't stop Hayley from trying to show

that there's more to her than a pair of urns.

I've got an idea, right?

-How are you, Hayley?

-I'm fine.

Why don't you come in and start throwing my room all round the place.

Yeah, sorry, hon. Basically, right, I've got an idea.

You've got...you've got an idea?

I'm quite proud of myself when I thought of this,

cos you know, with all the events and stuff happening in work,

-I thought, right, I'm going to think of something myself.

-Really?

Strictly Come Prancing, right, like Strictly Come Dancing.

Four judges, you know, mark the numbers on different types of dances

like salsa, freestyle, erm, foxtrot, you know, country.

You're going to do a foxtrot, are you?

Well I don't know. I want to do a lot, see,

but I just need you now if you're up for it?

We need a venue, a place and you know?

So what you've got then, you come up with the idea.

-Yeah, Strictly Come Prancing.

-Strictly Come Prancing.

-Yeah.

-You dump it in my lap.

-Yep.

And I've got to put it all together?

Yeah, because no-one will listen to me if I say this to people.

People will just think, you know, "Oh ah you know?"

But you'll get it going for me, hon.

With everything I've got on my plate right now.

You want me to organise Strictly Come Prancing?

It's not like you can't handle it,

you take everything else on the chin so...

You know? Are you up for it?

It's up to you if you want to get involved in the dancing or...

My concern, if they don't practise,

they're going to look complete bell ends.

I'll sort all that out then.

You'll sort it all out?

-I don't believe you could sort out anything.

-Watch me.

-Bugger off, I've got work to do.

-Ta da!

-Out! Now, get out!

Nev's doubts about Hayley's organisational skills

may be justified, given that she sometimes struggles

even to get her urns in order.

Right, basically, we had a bit of a disaster today in the kitchen.

I either did it wrong by pouring coffee in the tea

and tea in the coffee, or someone was winding me up

when I weren't looking

and put coffee in the tea and tea in the coffee.

But, I think it was me, I think it was my mistake,

but because I filled them all the way up,

I'm not throwing it out in the bin, so it's still coffee.

I'd try it though, they've got nothing to lose, like.

-Just try it, innit.

-All of it.

No, just try it for me, just try it for me, please.

Everyone's scared like, it's not that bad,

it's not going to kill you, is it?

It's just tea and coffee.

OK, Hayley's toffee or tea-coffee as she put it,

I'd rather eat my own shit, to be fair.

Not that I walk around eating my own shit on a normal day.

Chris, Chris liked it.

Chris did like it on, you know...

But it takes, you know, some form of lunacy to like that.

Hayley has become integral to the place. You know, it was only...

"What, what can I do with her, you know, I'll make her a tea lady."

We'll buy a trolley.

She crashed it.

She knows everybody, she knows everybody's gossip,

people love her, but if I was a betting man,

I would say that I would have more chance in the middle of Beirut

with a water pistol than Hayley pulling off Strictly Come Prancing.

It's so strong, look what it did to his armpits?

It's a one-off, I apologise.

OK, places everyone down here, please.

The call centre has a strict dress code on the sales floor,

but not everyone toes the line.

Right then, can I have a quick look round

to see if we've got shirt and ties, shirt and ties.

Oh, shock, shock we've got Chickenhead.

Why you doing that for? My mate, Griff...

Griff, guys, can we do a big cheerio?

(ALL) Cheerio, cheerio, cheerio. Cheerio, cheerio, cheerio.

Chickenhead, Griff, come on with me.

Right then, guys, everyone crack on with it.

25-year-old, Matthew Thomas, aka Chickenhead

is one of the call centre's top sellers.

OK, the time slot's between nine and 12,

so if you just want to keep that, OK?

He's worked for Nev for the last two and a half years

and regularly comes top of the company sales chart.

OK, thanks a lot for your time, Mr Bradbury, take care, bye.

Yes! I average about 25-30 sales a week,

which is usually about 200 to 300 quid commission on average.

I find it easy.

I'm getting so used to it now, it's the type of thing

where I excel when I want, do you know what I mean?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

But it's not just his bottom he flaunts.

He regularly ignores company rules and is difficult to manage.

Shirt, T-shirt.

Tomorrow, seriously...

You used to wear a shirt, chuck a shirt on.

I used to wear a shirt the first month I worked for the company.

We're going back to basics. Shirt, trousers, shoes, get them on.

You're not different to anyone else.

I just don't understand it, customers can't see it.

You don't need to understand it.

Yeah, Chickenhead, I can see why he would think

there's a different set of rules for him.

Chickenhead's got no problem with ringing my mobile

at half past 12 on a Friday night.

"Hiya, Nev?" "Huh?!"

"Any tickets for tomorrow, Nev?"

To make matters worse, Chickenhead sits next to another

one of the call centre mavericks, Richard Griffiths.

How long do you reckon Paul Gascoigne has got to live?

-How long has Gazza got left?

-Yeah?

20 minutes plus injury time. Oh, hello is that Mr Rylands?

Yeah, hi, it's Richard here, I'm the grant supervisor for your area

for Nationwide Energy.

I'm calling to see if your walls have been insulated...

Griff is also a high roller, who's success is built not on hard work

but on his ability to make people laugh.

No, no I'll give them to you now.

You don't want them, sir?

So, in the words of Inspector Clouseau,

"What is putting you erf?"

"What is putting you erf?"

Hello, Sir, it's Richard here, the grants advisor for your area

for Nationwide Energy.

When was the loft done last, my love?

All right, my love?

'I would say, approximately three years.'

Oh, right, fairly recently then?

Yeah, I'm all right, as well, but that's not the reason I'm calling.

Obviously I'm glad you are all right, though.

You don't know what division the Swans were in

when the boiler was replaced, no?

'No.'

Right, erm...

No, you don't have to be interested, it's my job to arouse your interest,

I'm a professional interest arouser.

Was Trundle playing for the Swans

-when the boiler was changed, do you know?

-'No idea?'

No, all right. What team do you support?

Do you support Bradford?

'I don't support any. I hate football.'

Do you? Oh, probably football is not going to help us then.

-Five years ago, do you watch X Factor?

-'No.'

Basically, it's your money

being recycled back into the system, you see?

Billions of years of evolution has got me here to do this.

Should have stayed in the fucking sea, shouldn't I?

Well, most people call me God,

but, er, a lot of people in work call me Griff.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a footballer,

erm, but I've got a bit old now.

I still do a job in the lower leagues, I suppose,

first, second division.

I have lost the art of pace, I'm not going to deny that.

But it's all up there now, innit? Teddy Sheringham syndrome.

Yeah, OK, another quick word, guys, while...

The man charged with managing these two mavericks,

is 23-year-old team leader, Cutter.

Cutter's got his work cut out to manage Griff

and Chickenhead on the same team.

Cutter's a young manager, he's got his work cut out.

Personally, if I get bored, my head goes west, you know what I mean?

It's quite a boring job.

And, erm, yeah, it just helps the day go quicker, really.

Hi, is that Mr Curwen?

HE SNEEZES

HE SNEEZES AGAIN

Excuse me. If everybody behaved,

we could get rid of half the managers, I suppose.

so I'm creating employment, I am, for my local area.

That's all I can say.

Cutters, can you get a clipboard, please?

A clipboard, you need a clipboard and you need a Bluetooth headset.

He'd look really fucking important then.

-Cutter, did you say something then?

-Yeah.

-Well?

You haven't done nothing all morning.

That's discrimination.

-Cutters.

-How are we, Nev?

I'm all right.

Cutter is struggling to keep a hold over his team

and has turned to Nev for management advice.

Erm, Chickenhead, Griff.

-Chickenhead and Griff?

-Yeah, erm, don't get me wrong, Nev...

The best performers.

Best performers to a certain extent, best performers,

sales are spot-on.

Erm, we've just got a little bit of an issue with them.

I think if we don't nip it in the bud now,

it could escalate across the floor.

I just want to see what you think, really?

Yeah.

Don't get me wrong if they earn it, fine, but...

-Right, yeah, but you can't let them drag the team down, right?

-Exactly.

Management,

management styles, different styles of management, right?

You've got the very friendly guy that does

all his business on the golf course or in the pub.

And then you've got an out and out dictator

who's totally task orientated the other side.

When the pressure is on and people are messing you about,

you've got to go down to the dictator side.

-So, you've got to nip it in the bud.

-Mmm.

But rather than take on Griff and Chickenhead himself,

Cutter wants backup from senior manager, Thorpey.

If they are, if they are like taking the mick a little bit

and I've told them and told them,

what about Thorpey having a word with them or something like that?

-Right, OK, you've got to go to a dictator?

-Yeah.

By all means, use Thorpey.

Will do, I think I'm happy with that. Cheers, Nev.

-Go on.

-Thank you.

-Go and lead them.

Tea lady, Hayley, is organising a dance competition

but organization has never been her strong point

and two years ago, she had a diagnosis that explained why.

When I told Nev and everyone,

"Oh guess what I got diagnosed with today? ADHD."

They were all like, "Oh, we knew that ages ago."

Everyone I told, it was like, "Yeah we knew that."

I think Hayley's struggled a bit with a lot of things in her life,

it's not just the ADHD but she is a lovely person.

She cares for people and she is so enthusiastic, she is naturally nuts!

It's what she is and, erm, yeah, I will do my very best

to always look after her.

Are we ready?

Shut your heads.

Having fun in the call centre is something Nev takes very seriously.

He's keen to give Hayley's Strictly Come Prancing idea a boost.

A couple of things on a shit sandwich today.

Anybody fancy a bit of Come Dancing?

Strictly Come Prancing.

We're having a dancing competition.

If you have a partner, if you have a group or a troupe,

sort yourselves out get your act really slick.

It doesn't matter how old or how young you are,

if you think you can do a break dance and win, do it.

There will be drinks on the night.

All right, don't get excited,

we don't want to go out on the dance floor pissed, right?

This has got to be good. All right? Anybody up for it?

We've got a few enthusiasts, OK.

So, get your routines sorted out.

Right, bugger off!

With Nev's official backing, Hayley's now confident that her

Strictly Come Prancing competition will prove to him

she can do more than just serve tea.

Me arranging something like this,

most people would probably think, you know, disaster,

but with a little help from everyone

I think I'll be able to pull it off.

Call centre staff are penalised for late arrival.

Griff gets a lift into work with 25-year-old sales agent, Brent,

but with very few parking spaces to go round,

they're often forced to improvise.

Ah! Oh shit!

I didn't know you were going to do the reverse manoeuvre today, Brent.

It come a little bit unexpected.

It's like a peaceful protest Brent, init?

Yeah, well I don't get a ticket and it's easier to park there.

I just drive straight out now.

I just can't get out my doors, cos the bush is in the way.

-If I could get an actual space, it would be a lot easier.

-Free, Nev?

Erm, it looks like it.

Never one to shy away from cheeky requests,

Griff's taking Brent to see Nev

about getting a permit for the company car park.

Brent's a bit shy, I asked him to come in himself, but he's a bit shy.

-Ah!

-Probably the reason, his sales are low. Erm...

We're after a car parking spot.

He brings four of us in every day, so it's a full car,

long-term member of the unit...

..and I don't know if you've noticed him parking in the bushes

and things like that?

He reverses into the bushes.

Is this the red Postman Pat vehicle?

-Yeah, Chickenhead's old wagon.

-Yeah, it used to be my brother's, actually.

-Did it?

-Chickenhead bought her off my brother.

It's only a matter of time before he ends up in the river.

-30,000 miles on the clock from new?

-Yeah.

-It's one careful owner and then Chickenhead.

-Chickenhead.

Yeah, well I'll see what spaces we've got available

but if you're bringing a car load then, yeah, I'll look after you.

-Five a day, innit?

-If you turn up on your own, I'll bomb you back out.

-Yeah, fair enough.

-Can't ask for more than that, really.

-You can't. Bugger off then.

-Brilliant.

-Off you go.

-Thanks, Nev.

-Thanks, Nev.

-See I told you to ask.

That's a great result thanks to Rich.

-Cheers, mate, appreciate that.

-Cheers, Griff, nice one.

-Man of action, see?

-Yeah.

-If you don't ask, you don't get.

-No, exactly.

-Especially in this environment.

-Mmm.

Everybody wants everything, nobody wants to give anything,

nobody wants to ask for anything, everybody's asking for everything.

HE LAUGHS

What, is that it, is it? After all I've done for you, that's it?

-It's just a big bloody joke, innit?

-Well, I bring you in everyday?

-Ah, yeah, for £60 a week.

You don't pay anything!

Uhh.

For Hayley to prove to Nev that she can do more than just serve tea,

she needs to make Strictly Come Prancing a success.

So she's launched a full-scale marketing campaign.

Yay! Still here, babes.

-Right, you up for my Strictly Come Dancing idea?

-What's that?

Just for a laugh, are you up for Strictly Come Dancing? My idea.

I don't know exactly what the plans are

but I just need rough ideas how many people's up for it.

-Are you up for my Strictly Come Prancing?

-Yeah!

It's going to be a laugh, like. Freestyle music, salsa, jiving.

Freestyle would be: # Um-nam, Gangnam Style. #

You know, and then: # I'm sexy and I know it. #

Two dance-offs, do you get me?

Needing at least 50 sales agents to take part,

Hayley's tea round is now doubling up as a recruitment drive.

-What about rumba?

-That's another one, I forgot about that one.

SHE MAKES UP WORDS

# La-la-la-la-la rumba La-la-la-la rumba Say go mico na nico la rero

# La-la bamba! # I forgot about that one.

-You've got to do a bit of freestyle?

-Yeah 100%.

-B-boys?

-What's that?

-A little bit of bump and grind.

-Oh, yeah.

But signing people up is only half the battle - getting them to attend

a Sunday rehearsal will be the real challenge.

Hayley? Is anybody going to teach us how to dance?

Yeah, we might be having a professional dancer as well.

I'm going to be the choreographer.

It's nothing serious it'll be a minute or two dances, just fun.

I can't dance.

What would you say you're better at? Freestyle, salsa, jiving, rumba?

Now you're asking. I think it's pretty much a bit of freestyle,

get some good music on and have a little bit of a jig.

-Fist pumping, is it?

-Oh, yeah.

Fist pumping, there we are, sound. I need numbers.

We might have a bit of silent techno on the go, like.

-Get people raving as well, shall we?

-Oh, fab!

Chickenhead's managers are on the war path -

they've just reviewed the quarterly attendance records

and there's some serious cause for concern.

It's time for Nev's enforcer Thorpey to get stuck in.

-Matthew.

-I'm just getting someone to represent me, that's all.

It's not a representation.

I know but you're allowed someone to come in with you.

So I've asked Brent, he's just finishing his call.

Is there any reason why you want Brent to come in? Brent! Brent!

Do you want to come in with Matthew or not?

Just to witness, that's all.

-Right, we're taking this seriously as well, mind.

-Yeah, I know.

-It's not a piss take or anything.

-I know.

-Seriously. I'm not smiling.

-All right, all right.

-Are you coming in, Brent?

-If he needs me.

-Yeah, just come in.

Keep your phones on silent.

Yeah, I'll turn that off.

OK, so it's a disciplinary with regards attendance.

-So there's one on the 1st of the 11th.

-Yeah.

Do you know why that was?

I think on the 1st of the 11th I woke up late.

Was there any reason for you getting up late?

I'm not sure if I, erm...

Bearing in mind it was Halloween the night before.

Yeah, erm, I actually did go out on Halloween with

a couple of members of staff and I had woken up late the next day.

-Right, OK, so drunk, was it?

-Well, slept late.

So the next one is the 10th of the 12th.

-I was off with a toothache and I did notify Lewis and Cutter.

-OK.

So they were actually aware that I was off.

So the third one is, erm...on the 27th of the 12th

and that is the period of work in between Christmas and New Year,

do you remember what that was for?

Erm...I can't remember, to be honest with you, erm...

Do you remember what you were doing on the 26th, so that's Boxing Day?

Boxing Day...

I think I went out local Boxing Day, I don't think I had a late night.

I can't remember if I didn't know we were in on the 27th? I thought we were in...

You didn't know we were working on the 27th and the 28th? Are you seriously...

Bear in mind this is a disciplinary now, let's be serious about things.

You're honestly telling me you didn't know that we

were in work on the 27th and 28th, when there's posters all around...

All around the company saying that we're working on the 27th and 28th?

Your reason for not being in is you didn't know we were meant to be in?

-Yeah.

-I've got to be honest with you, Matthew, it doesn't show you in a good light.

For that reason we are going to issue you with a verbal warning.

If we finish up the formalities here,

can me and you just have a quick little chat once James has gone?

Yeah, thank you very much.

-Can you bring that?

-Yeah.

Let's be honest about this, what are you bringing him in here for?

Seriously it's a joke.

No, I just...

Seriously it's a joke.

I had someone in here just to witness what's going on, basically.

"Witness what's going on"?

That's not taking the piss out of me or James or the whole process of the company?

-No.

-He's laughing.

-No, but like...

-Seriously, don't tell me you didn't know the company was open

-and don't smile in a disciplinary, seriously.

-I'm not.

You may not think I'm trying to help you

but if you continue like this... I think you're on a little bit

of a slippery slope - your sales aren't great at the moment, mate.

I'm trying to give you some friendly advice.

You might have a smile on your face and think it doesn't matter, and bring Brent in and take the piss.

No, I'm taking it seriously. I admitted that I'd been out the night before and that,

then I'd said, obviously, I'd been ill and Christmas.

Can you seriously sort it out, because it's a slippery slope?

You go out on the piss, don't turn up for work,

your sales go down the pan and before you know it you're out of the company.

That's what happens to people. No-one's above that.

-Sort it out, mate.

-OK, thanks a lot, cheers.

Thank you, Brent, for your unstinting support in all that(!)

I just wanted him to witness it all and see what was going on.

I didn't ask him to input into anything, do you know what I mean?

-OK.

-Or laugh or anything.

-You wanted to get me off the phone.

I haven't got the drive I had a few months ago.

Not working as much all the time as I used to, not concentrating.

I just have been on the phones so long now, about 18 months,

it's just a bit much. There's only so much you can take, really.

I just fancy a change. I need something new to motivate me.

And the decision has been made to separate Chickenhead

and his partner in crime, Griff.

It's like having unruly children, really, innit? Not much fun.

Part of the reason I don't get involved in the promotion side of things

is you're expected to manage fucking idiots like me.

Fuck that, innit, for a laugh.

It's home time and with the promise of a new car parking permit,

Brent will be hoping his days of pulling out of a big bush

will soon be behind him.

Hayley's booked a studio for her rehearsals

after her promotional campaign for Strictly Come Prancing saw 50 people signing up to take part.

Unfortunately only five of them have actually shown up.

Half the people haven't turned up so I don't know.

Hope I haven't got to dance now because I can't, I'll be shamed.

-I can't dance to save my life.

-When I'm drunk I think I can.

-Yeah.

But normally I just can't.

I knew this would happen. Sunday, everyone would be hung-over.

But they could at least text, cos I would have stayed in bed.

I understand everyone's probably still partying or dying in bed

but for fuck's sake, like - I got out and got ready.

It's all gone tits up, no-one's turned up.

There was loads of people on the list and I think everyone's hung-over,

cos we got paid this weekend, the rugby was on yesterday,

all-dayers and I think alcohol has taken over everyone.

They're all in bed, lying down, suffering, probably.

-Hayley, Hayley.

-Cracking disaster!

Disaster on toast, like.

But Hayley won't let the low turn-out stop her working on her own routine.

MUSIC: "Beat It" by Michael Jackson

Ha, yeah!

Ready? Just bring it on the line.

I'm out of breath, is anyone else out of breath? I'm fucked.

Hayley's given it her all but unfortunately the same can't be said for the rest of the call centre.

Strictly Come Prancing may have had its last waltz.

It was an absolute disaster to be honest, no-one turned up, we made the most of what we had.

I do feel a bit like it looks like I can't organise an event now,

but I know I can and when they say, "Yeah",

and then don't come, it's annoying.

But whatever, innit? Shit happens.

Chickenhead has lost his mojo

but Nev's got a plan to reinvigorate his top seller.

He's going to make football-obsessed Chickenhead

manager of the call centre football team.

Park your arse on the end.

But with a massive game coming up against a rival Cardiff call centre,

it's a big risk for Nev.

OK, a few people have said I must be on drugs

to contemplate giving you a chance of running the football team,

because it is vital that Swansea beat Cardiff.

-Are you the man, Chickenhead?

-Yeah.

-Are you up to the challenge?

-Yeah, I think I'm a man.

-Cometh the hour, cometh the man?

-Yeah I'm up for it.

What about the fact that some people said,

"Chickenhead would need a full-scale lobotomy if he's going to be able

"to achieve anywhere near running a football team?"

Erm, I'm not sure, to be honest with you.

-You don't know what a lobotomy is, do you?

-No.

Never mind. Let's see if we can get things organised, right?

-Yeah.

-Rouse the troops.

I'll get all the boys' numbers and positions

and who's genuinely interested.

You're going to prove them wrong?

Course I am. I'm an organised person, I'm reliable and committed.

Right, go on, bugger off, go and do some work, sell some stuff.

You know, people have to have a dream

and they have to have a passion and with some it's DJing,

with some it's footballing, it might be ballet, it might be anything.

You don't know but yeah, they should be allowed to live their dreams.

After months of reversing into the nearest convenient bush,

Brent has finally been given a permit...

..allowing him to use the company car park and avoid any late penalties.

Having been put in charge of the call centre football team,

Chickenhead wastes no time in calling his first meeting as a manager.

Just want to explain why everyone's here, it's in regards to the football match against Cardiff,

which I'm not sure what date it's, er, it's exactly taking place yet.

But with the roles reversed, he's finding controlling a group

a lot harder than disrupting one.

Want to know a rough time? I think about two, three o'clock.

On a Sunday, you've got to organise something fairly early cos by the time people get to two o'clock,

they've had Sunday dinner and no-one can be arsed to turn up.

Got to be with the wife.

Exactly you've better off starting it like half ten or 11 o'clock.

But then how many boys are going to turn up?

Can't you miss your games for one week?

-It's shitty Sunday league football, do you know what I mean?

-Same time, everyone comes to it.

Yeah, yeah... Two, two.. 12... Or three...

We'll go for about 12 o'clock, then!

I'm quietly shitting myself!

That's pretty much it then, any more questions at all?

I've seen you play, you're not player manager, are you?

I don't know, I haven't decided.

I'm hoping to play maybe half, just so that it doesn't look as if

-I'm being a bit biased to myself, playing the full game and that.

-Oh, God!

Go and do some work, come on!

Cardiff are right up for this, they've had trials,

they've had practise matches and they're going for it.

And can I rely on Chickenhead 100%? Not even 10%.

I was a bit nervous cos that was my first managerial meeting in front of quite a number of people

but I thought it went pretty well, all in all.

Felt a bit nervous at times, couldn't get my words out but, you know...

After the poor turn-out for rehearsals,

Hayley's dance competition has been abandoned.

Nev's summoned her in for an appraisal of her performance.

-Oh, God, I'm going to have a heart attack.

-Get in here now!

-Yeah.

-What do you mean, "Yeah?" "Yes, sir," when you speak to me.

Good afternoon, sir. How are you, Nev?

-I am splendid.

-Good.

-Right, Hayley.

-Yeah.

I know you've been disappointed.

Right, it was my idea. A banging idea. It went tits up

because these lot are let downs.

They were hung-over they didn't turn up.

I understand. Kaput. The whole thing's gone tits up.

Gutted. Good idea.

However, right, if they don't sell... "Oh this lot were crap.

"We didn't sell anything. Muh-uh. Well I had a good idea, muh-uh."

You can't force people to do something they don't want to.

Although they told me they wanted to...

Did you try bribery and corruption?

-Yeah, but I don't beg.

-No, you didn't.

I don't want to beg. If they're not interested, they're not interested.

OK. Drive. Drive and commitment.

You know, I don't want to kick a girl when she's down.

However, your drive and commitment - it just didn't happen.

You've got to be there driving it.

-Well, look, I went round prancing about...

-Out of ten...

-Yeah.

-..how many for drive and commitment?

Ah, look, just give me 0, 0, 0, 0, 0!

Well, that is where it's going, isn't it? Organisational ability?

Right, if you ask me, right, the posters were good,

the idea was really good,

the people who said they were up for it - good characters.

-You...

-But then they let me down.

You organise... Right, listen. This is the way it is, right?

-We've got event management people here.

-Yeah.

People with degrees in event management, right?

Did you bring them into the equation?

No cos I thought they're busy doing other stuff.

I didn't want to pester people when they've got an actual job to do.

Brian Clough said surround yourself with good people and the rest

-is easy.

-But Nev...

-You should have brought in the right help.

I'm just a tea lady, I can't pester event people in work

when they've got other jobs to do.

Including people of good calibre to organise it -

none out of ten. Your motivational ability.

That was good. I'll tell you now,

-I did go around everyone prancing about.

-I'll give you two, OK.

What songs they want to do.

-It has been said...

-Oh, yes?

-..possibly by me...

-Right.

-That you couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.

-Right.

-Can you organise a piss-up in a brewery?

-Well, that's not hard.

Well that's just saying,

"She couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."

I can't believe it. Oh, you're nuts.

I'm nuts? I'm nuts?

Piss-up in a brewery. A piss-up in a brewery.

That's the pot calling the kettle black or what?

Right, you want people to get pissed in a brewery?

-Correct.

-Why would anyone turn that down?

With your organisational and leadership and creativity

and teamwork and planning,

I reckon you've got every chance of cocking it up.

-Hiya, Grace, you all right?

-Yeah.

-I don't want...

-I've just given Hayley a challenge, right,

-and I've called you in.

-She'll be like this, "No!"

-No.

And I've brought you in, right, as her number one assistant.

Now I understand that you know a brewery?

-My father.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Well, we just need to ask him.

Your daddy owns a brewery.

Right, OK. Go and see what dates he's got available and see

what rooms he's got available. You're organising a piss-up in a brewery.

Hayley's dance competition failed due to a lack of practice,

so Nev has set her a task

that requires no practice from call centre staff -

getting pissed.

Oh, hello. Ha, ha!

Ha, ha! Oh, my God!

Really? We're going to get pissed up in here, like.

So we'll put another bar by here, yeah?

Right, your table and chair all this lot out.

If you want to organise a buffet... I suggest you would.

-Cos if you're going to drink lots and lots...

-Yeah.

..you need some blotting paper in them, yeah?

Right, so we need to get some sandwiches, sausages, cheese.

Just like little party food.

Right, so stage here. DJ, music... Sort the stuff out.

Then all round here's where everyone just gets nuts. Yeah.

Are we allowed to try some samples now while we're here or...?

This is different. This is really different.

You know, why wouldn't people want to turn up to this?

It will be a good laugh, a really good laugh.

Booze, a venue, entertainment, just need a date now

and get people coming, that's all.

Now tell me I can't organise a piss-up in a brewery!

With the big match just around the corner,

Chickenhead is on a sports diet.

Looks quite nice that, doesn't it?

He's putting the finishing touches to picking a team

capable of beating the Cardiff call centre.

Last season I think I scored 45 goals in the season. I think

I've scored 13 goals this year in about six games already.

So, you know, I've got goals in me as well.

I'm going to use this bit of cardboard now

as my pitch sort of thing

but I've got bits of paper then of the rough idea of the squad.

So I've got to confirm that now and write down in my head

the actual 16 I'm going to be picking on the day.

Chickenhead's dedication to the job hasn't gone

unnoticed by senior manager Thorpey.

The football manager's role is organising people

and is timekeeping and scheduling and maybe he'll

learn from that a little bit of empathy with the people who have to manage him

and maybe he'll change some of his ways that he approaches work.

That's what you'd hope.

-You want to stay on the swing there?

-Yeah.

Chickenhead's management of the football team isn't his first

taste of responsibility.

A year ago he unexpectedly discovered

he was the father of a ten-month-old girl.

Whee. Whee. Daddy, take it.

Did you see that?

'I take the baby out the park a lot and I really enjoy spending

'time with her and that and it just makes me smile seeing her smiling.'

Although he's no longer with Maisie's mother,

he's determined to do the right thing.

'I take my responsibility serious.'

I pay my maintenance

and if the baby needs anything, you know, I've got to make sure

that I've got the money to pay.

Hold on.

'I'm not a selfish person. My father never bothered

'so it makes gives me more reason to make sure that I father Maisie.'

Maisie, sit down.

I'm fully aware that we've taken young kids that have

been on the wrong road and turned it round.

We've had remarkable success.

Sometimes you don't get success but, yeah, I am aware that that this

place can be a tonic for people to change their lives around, yeah.

For Chickenhead's partner in crime Griff,

call centre life has been more than just a tonic.

'I went to rehab about four or five years ago.

'I was a full-on, fully-blown drug addict at one point.

'I mean, we're talking about 25 years of habit.'

If people want to judge me on it,

they can go fuck themselves and I'll judge them

on how well they fuck themselves. Do you know what I mean?

But now call centre life is also beginning to take its toll.

'I consider myself an addict whether I'm using drugs or not.

'You know, my brain still thinks the same way. Know what I mean?'

And in sales, you know the buzz of getting a deal

and the buzz of earning commission, you know, and you can get

locked in to that to the point of no matter what you earn, you want more.

'One is too many, 1,000 is never enough, as they say.'

I come down here a lot, you know. It's a good place to come to

think and try and get some material.

Griff's lifelong ambition is to write and perform stand-up comedy.

I've started writing stuff but I've never finished anything

so I've never got to the point where,

where I could see what would actually happen if I finish

something and seen it through what would happen with it, you know?

So I've, you know, got a few notes I've been writing down.

The call centres. It's like being down the coal pits

except without the pride

and the emphysema, of course.

A few on my team won't know what emphysema means

that's for fucking sure.

'I'm, like, developing an arrogance

'about being a stand-up comedian now,'

which is like way beyond my ability. Do you know what I mean?

And I'm hoping then that my ability will catch up

cos I know I've got the ability to do it

but you have to be able to do it at a certain time.

After over a decade working in Swansea call centres,

Griff knows all about the dangers of spending too long on the phones.

'I've always said in this job,

'once you start counting how many calls you've made,

'you've made too many. Know what I mean? It's time to leave.

'In an hour, 33.'

About 200 a day, about a 1,000 a week,

50,000 a year. That'll be 100,000, ain't it?

I've got a statistic. You're seven times more likely to be

killed by your stepfather than your father. That's a fact.

And you want to remember that next time I'm fucking your mother!

It's the day before the big match

and Nev's called Chickenhead in to make sure everything is in place.

The kit arrived a couple of days ago.

Is somebody going to remember to bring a ball?

Yeah, we've got two balls.

The minibus is arranged as well so it's all organised and gone to plan.

So who's organised all this? Who have you delegated it to?

-I've organised it all.

-Personally?

Yeah, I've got all the boys' names on the back of the shirts

-and numbers as well.

-I mean, what could go wrong?

Well, we might not win, innit?

That's the only thing that could go wrong.

Everything else is organised and sorted.

Just, yeah, we should win the game.

Chickenhead, I will be thoroughly impressed if you pull this off.

Chickenhead's big day has arrived.

To some, football is a matter of life and death,

but for Chickenhead's Swansea team,

this match against a rival call centre from Cardiff

is far more important.

Now, we all know each other now. Work together, play together.

SHOUTING AND CLAPPING

Obviously, I've come to check the Cardiff talent out as well, like!

I can't see it, you know.

When they're in their kit and they haven't got no gel on their hair,

I can't tell who's hot yet.

It's not the winning that counts, it's the taking part.

Yeah, right(!)

Come on, you arseholes! Come on!

Come on, then, Swansea!

WHISTLE BLOWS REPEATEDLY

Standard Swansea-Cardiff, to be honest.

Pretty heated. There's no love lost between us lot.

Cutter, Chickenhead's manager, can only watch on

as a hopeful punt from outside the box

sees Cardiff take the lead.

And Swansea go into half time 1-0 down.

This is a match Nev does not want the call centre to lose.

Determined to give Chickenhead all the help he can,

he takes the half-time team talk.

I just had a word with the ref.

Eight bookings. Well, if we wanted a boxing match,

we'll have a bloody boxing match.

Enthusiasm's one thing. Put your foot on the ball, kick it in the goal!

Just play football.

Get the ball down, keep your heads. For quarter of an hour have a rest.

Football is a game of two halves.

But in this match, the second half is just like the first.

WHISTLE BLOWS REPEATEDLY

Did you see Chickenhead turn just then?

I've seen milk turn faster!

-I saw the start of it but I missed the end of it.

-Yeah.

Get out! Get off! Get off!

With minutes to go, Swansea are awarded a free kick.

CHEERING

The match ends 1-1, and with the referee not wanting to risk

any extra time, it goes straight to a penalty shootout.

-You, Rob, me, Simon and Percy.

-Let's go for it then.

After a combination of bad penalty taking

and worse goalkeeping, it comes down to sudden death.

CHEERING AND HECKLING

# Getting sacked in the morning

# Sacked in the morning

ALL: # We're getting sacked in the morning. #

All Cardiff need to win the match is to score the next goal.

There was a winner,

and to Chickenhead's demise it was Cardiff.

HE LAUGHS But there we are.

Yeah, I am a bit gutted, like, but the kit was lovely in fairness.

It was well organised. We had refs, we had linesmen,

so, yeah, I thought it went...it went to plan,

it's just the result didn't go to plan, really.

It's the end of an era.

While Chickenhead is starting to shape up,

Griff has made a big decision and has stopped coming to work.

Yeah, I do miss Griff. I think everyone misses him, really.

What's it what's it like in the car without Griff, Brent?

A fucking dream.

No, I never liked him anyway, to be honest.

I'm glad he's gone.

You know, you're going to lose a few but it's disappointing when it's

somebody like Griff that's such a big part of the call centre.

Erm, yeah, I do believe he'll be back.

I think that it won't be long before he is back.

But the only work occupying Griff right now is housework.

My nan always taught me "Tidy house, tidy mind," innit?

And "The devil will make work for idle hands to do."

I don't want to go back there, you know, but I'd never say,

"Oh, I'll never go back there," cos you never know.

I'm currently unemployed and, you know,

being unemployed in this country in this day and age,

there's not much money in it.

I'm developing these comedy nights now,

trying to get a regular night going,

and it may end up being very successful, you know.

So I could do well out of it.

If not it'll be an experience, you know, but, er...

working in a call centre, there's only so much experience

you're going to get from it, you know?

Griff's future may lie elsewhere,

but his departure has its perks for the rejuvenated Chickenhead.

Eh, I'd probably say, erm, since Griff has left,

my sales have probably improved by about 50%.

I mean, he can be a bit of a distraction sometimes.

He's a laugh and that but he's not here now,

I'll get a bit more work done.

And since he's been gone I've hit commission every week.

We all know he can do it, he's just got to show us that he can do it,

and get back to his winning ways.

Erm, he's pulled it back nicely, in all fairness to him.

I just hope it continues.

You just get the working tax credits.

I mean, you or anyone else living there

is not over 60 years of age, no?

With his improved sales,

Chickenhead's back to his old position

at the top of the leader board.

Nev's summoned him into his office for a pep talk.

Chickenhead.

I... You've smartened yourself up a bit. You're wearing shirts?

-Yeah. I've, er...

-That's fantastic.

I feel like I'm somebody else in these trousers and shirts and that.

It's not...it don't feel like me.

It will do. You grow accustomed to it.

-Now, Chickenhead...

-I don't think I'm that scruffy, though?

A sales guru. What?

I don't think I'm that scruffy, usually...

I beg to differ.

People look up to you on the call centre floor, right?

You've got to believe it. I found it very hard to believe

but it is a fact, right?

-So, you've got to act appropriately.

-Yeah.

-So help people, the new starters that are looking up to you.

-Yeah.

-Coach them a bit. Give them some tips.

-Yeah.

-Right, OK, yeah. Bugger off, then.

-Right, are we finished now, yeah?

D'you want me to put that in the bin for you? Thank you very much.

Get out! Out!

You've got to love him, haven't you?

You know, when Chickenhead started here,

a lot of his mates from Gorseinon were giving him two weeks.

Well, what is it, two, two-and-a-half years now?

And, er, earning good money, sorted his head out,

got himself together a little bit.

You know, that is...that's a success.

It's Friday night, and it's Hayley's big night to show Nev

that if there's one thing she can do

it's organise a piss-up in a brewery.

-Can I have your tickets, guys?

-I'm the fucking host.

Oh, are you? That's fine. You got tickets? Are you with her?

Thank you, mate, appreciate it.

Put that booze in the other room, come on.

There are two key elements needed

to make a piss-up in a brewery a success.

Hayley's found the brewery,

and she's taking no chances with the piss-up.

These are the jelly shots we've made.

80-odd.

When you're hosting a venue and you want people to get drunk,

shit like vodka jellies looks good.

And if they want to get steaming, if it's nice or not they'll down it.

At the end of the day, guys, Strictly Come Prancing went tits up,

but a piss-up in a fucking brewery,

this is how I own it.

And it looks like this time,

there's no problem with getting people to turn up.

I don't care if people feel sick with this punch that I'm doing.

At the end of the day, if they want to get steaming, they'll get steaming.

I've bought absolutely everything.

Cheap shit just to get people steaming.

-Oh.

-I want to get amongst it!

Doosh! Right out there.

Why should I be feeding people's alcoholism?

Fuck sake, I should be stomping out now.

-What shall I do with this? In?

-Oh, we'll put one in.

-This? All of it?

-Yeah.

That's what you call a fucking punch.

Right, let's test it out.

Right, go.

This one's quite nice, innit?

DANCE MUSIC BLARES

Welcome to the Save Britain Money first annual piss-up in a brewery!

And that's not the only cause for celebration.

Nev's maverick approach to staff management has seen the call centre

recognised in The Sunday Times 100 Best Companies to Work For list.

We are officially the second best place to work in the United Kingdom.

We're not just a call centre, we're one big...

# We are family Hey, hey, hey, yeah

# I've got all my sisters with me Hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah

ALL: # We are family Hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah

# We save Britain money Hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah. #

For Nev and the call centre, the future looks bright.

# Jealousy Turning saints into the sea

# Swimming through sick lullabies

# Choking on your alibis

# But it's just the price I pay

# Destiny is calling me

# Open up my eager eyes

# Cos I'm Mr Brightside. #

Next time, Nev's on the warpath.

No more overtime, I don't give a shit who you are, it stops!

He clamps down on time wasting.

This is about the glue between departments,

cos it ain't fucking happening.

I am fucking gasping, I'm going to kill someone.

One new couple try to work it out.

I was like, "Oh, my God, he's really muscley,"

-and I'm into body builders.

-I think it's a bigger thing

for boys to look better than girls in Swansea.

And Nev is forced to make some tough decisions.

I don't know where they've disappeared to

but they haven't come back.

-I'm fucking gobsmacked!

-Just gutted.

On a scale of one to shit, it's shit.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd