Sticky and Sweet Doctors

SHE COUGHS

BUZZING

SHE CONTINUES COUGHING

BUZZING

Oh, there's a bee.

Oh.

Wake up! Get it.

Kill it!

BEE BUZZES

Mate?

Mate?!

Don't!

Ooh!

Ow!

Oh!

RINGTONE SOUNDS

You look delectable!

But you look even better without your clothes on.

I'm hitting the shower.

Mmmm, you smell pretty good.

SHE LAUGHS

-Message?

-Julia.

Reminding me that African Queen woman's back today.

-Who?

-Tombo, Tembe? Don't know.

-Oh, yeah. What, the receptionist?

-Mmm.

The way they talk about her, it's like she's...Precious Ramotswe.

Who?

Am I doing the dirty with an ignoramus?

You might be.

No.

Precious Mrs Tembe might think she can just walk back in

but I'm not going to give up without a fight.

Tiger!

Ooow!

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

RADIO: 'Following recent concerns about their decline in numbers,

'in tonight's programme we'll ask, "Bees...'

HE WHIMPERS

'"..should we be concerned with their decline?"'

I'm too ill to come in to the surgery.

SHE SIGHS

I haven't been to the doctors' in years, I hate it. I never come.

'I'm an economic godsend'

but today, I need a doctor.

What time can I expect one?

'The doctor schedules home visits'

according to urgency and distance so...

Schedule? "Shed" not "Sked!"

..so don't expect him soon.

'Are you still there?'

Good morning!

You're on his list. This is a staff only area.

Do you not know who I am?

They are expecting me.

I am...

-Mrs Tembe!

-Dr Carter!

You are here! Back amongst us.

This is Lauren, she's stepped up, filled in, filled up.

-You have been sorely missed.

-Oh!

I do not want to delay you.

Five minutes. Julia sends apologies, she'll be along later,

and Karen specifically asked me to say,

-"Hiya" and "Welcome back".

-It's lovely to see you.

SHE SPEAKS SETSWANA

Oh, I forget myself!

SHE LAUGHS

I am no longer in Botswana.

I am back.

Like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

-Where you belong.

-Mrs Tembe. Let's put the kettle on.

Make you a really nice cup of...

What on earth?!

Well, obviously, we've missed your organisational beverage input.

This milk is non-organic.

This milk is off!

There's some whitener in the...

Whitener?!

You haven't seen a doctor for six years.

Somewhere in there it'll tell you why.

I've no time for useless doctors.

And yet, here I am.

How long have you been feeling unwell?

Oh!

Fortnight, three weeks.

-I've been self-medicating.

-Mm-hm.

-Honey.

Is that working for you?

I'm pre-menstrual so probably best to avoid sarcasm.

-Tea?

-No thanks. Maybe later.

You've no history of bronchitis

but you're finding it difficult to breathe? Is it painful?

I feel light-headed, feeble.

I hate feeble people, they're pathetic!

Nobody likes to feel ill.

Nobody likes to get MRSA from a hospital either.

Didn't stop it killing my husband!

Mineral water. Just until I have restocked.

Mrs Tembe thinks we let the drinks trolley slip.

Mrs Tembe overreacted

and now she would like to start over.

Me too.

I'm Lauren.

I'll leave you to it. Mr Cantelow.

Ah!

This has all changed.

New appointment software.

Oh, don't worry.

You'll get used to it. It took Karen a couple of weeks.

Here, look. Just keep your eye...

on the cursor.

There we go. Easy peasy.

You have a chest infection.

I'm prescribing antibiotics.

Really?

You've got some that haven't been compromised by over-prescribing?

You've had it for many weeks. Your system needs more than honey.

I want you to see my bees.

I'm not really a bee person.

Oh, they're not going to hurt you!

Open your mind, Dr Carter.

I'll take your antibiotics

only if you look at my bees.

Bees make me quite anxious.

Oh, don't be such a Mary!

Medics should be interested in honey.

I had a nasty sting as a child. It ruined a week in Mevagissey.

Staphylococcus Aureus -

one of the most common wound-infecting bacteria.

UMF manuka honey

has been used to tackle even that most antibiotic-resistant strain.

And it worked.

You look at my apiary...

and I'll take your antibiotics.

Deal?

HE SIGHS

Can you show me the process to cancel an appointment?

I already did.

It...it will sink in.

There we go.

What have you done to the PCs?

They were fine until you came back. My screen's just frozen.

No, I...

He's just joking. We had gremlins while you were away, too.

Mrs Tembe is on a very steep learning curve

and she's doing fabulously.

I'm sure she is. Good to have you back. So, low-tech it is.

Who's my next patient?

That'll be me, Dr Granger. 10am.

-Julia's not about, is she?

-Sadly not.

But I think you are mistaken, Mr Biglow.

Don't think so.

Well, according to the computer, Dr Granger's next patient is...

Miss Knox.

-Computer says, "No."

-Hmm?

I made my appointment for ten with Dr Granger.

Mrs Tembe, have you moved any appointments about?

No, I do not think so.

Someone must've moved your appointment.

Well, someone can move me back.

Let me see what I can do. Do you mind?

Right.

How about 10.15?

Fair enough.

-With Dr Cassidy?

-No.

Not Dr Cassidy. I can't see Dr Cassidy.

I booked to see Dr Granger.

You lot messed it up. You lot have got to get it sorted.

Seeing Dr Cassidy is not getting it sorted?

Look, Mrs Tembe,

I don't mean to be discourteous. You've just got back and everything,

but I can't see a lady doctor.

How about noon with Dr Granger?

Noon?

All right.

Would you like to put that on the system, Mrs Tembe?

Get back on the bike?

My honey's...

been used to help with insomnia, psoriasis.

More and more people are taking cinnamon and honey

to boost their immune systems, pre-op.

You see, bees are a medical resource, and you...

you can't even make it down to the hives?

Well, I'm a bit more phobic than I thought.

Doctors need to be convinced.

Doctors have to oppose

the routine dosing of dairy cows with antibiotics.

You know, stop prescribing antibiotics unnecessarily.

There's health and safety issues with anaphylactic reactions.

Oh, grow up!

It'd take more than a thousand stings to kill you!

Well, you're not allergic!

You present no threat.

Bees do not attack for no reason.

-I'd better be going.

-You're wimping out?

Huh!

We had a deal.

Now you're being childish! There's one under my hat!

-There's one under the hat! Get it off, get it off!

-Childish?

You got stung in Mevagissey.

I watched while antibiotics failed to keep my husband alive

after your lot gave him MRSA.

You need to take the antibiotics.

-Why?

-I wouldn't prescribe them if they weren't necessary.

Oh, just go!

So, I was just thinking what I fancied for lunch.

Yeah?

Something low in calories,

easy to digest.

Quickie?

I'll see you at the Icon later, then.

Totally.

I am scandalised!

And I'm Lauren. Pleased to meet you.

What on earth do you think you are doing?

What do you think?

-LAUREN LAUGHS

-You see?

You can't even say, can you?

Cos you're too dried up and jealous.

What?

What are you even doing here, anyway?

How dare you!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to upset you. What did I say?

What's going on?

I think I upset her.

I am sorry, Dr Carter, but you did not see what I just saw!

What?

I'd rather not say. But let me tell you -

that woman has more sides than the one she turns to you.

I'm sure she has,

but Lauren has been very helpful.

She stepped in at very short notice.

-I had to get away, you know that I did.

-I know!

We're thrilled to have you back.

Let's not turn a molehill into a mountain on your very first day.

I am sorry.

I don't want you to be sorry but...

would you turn the other cheek?

Just a little bit?

For me?

Perhaps I...

..of course.

Good.

Gratifying when my guidance isn't ignored.

Redbush?

SHE WHEEZES

SHE STRUGGLES WITH BREATHING

Ah, Mr Biglow. My 12 o'clock.

Not!

But my next appointment is with...

It was changed.

Mrs Tembe put it on the system.

I did.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, it looks like a data input error.

Is that techno-speak for another cockup?

Well, you do have an appointment.

Is this the face of somebody who thinks that's adequate?

Do you want to see Dr Granger because it's a personal problem

or because you're a misogynist?

I've read the Female Eunuch.

I'm all for Germaine Greer still not wearing a bra on Newsnight Review.

I'm sure she appreciates your support.

But as there are no male doctors here.

It's me or nothing.

Nothing, then.

You clearly have a problem.

Which you can't help me with.

-I can.

-You can't!

I don't get it. Mrs Tembe put me on the computer.

Do you think you might have got it wrong again?

I did what you showed me.

Oh, well. No point crying over spilt milk is there?

Let's see if we can find...

-another appointment for you.

-Another! It's me day off!

You can register a complaint with the practice manager.

She's not here, is she?

Her car's not outside!

No, but I can telephone Ms Parsons and tell her that...

No, you're all right. Shabby though.

Wouldn't have happened if Julia was here.

Right, there's Dr Carter,

he's a man, at four o'clock.

I'll put it into the system myself

and show my colleague, once again, how to do it.

Right, I'll write you an appointment card.

While you are here, can we talk cones?

I've noticed that whenever Julia's at the campus,

she seems to have a parking space coned off.

I'll stop you there, Dr Carmichael.

Cones? Really?

I'm off duty. That's like a patient asking you to pop a pimple

if you met 'em at the pictures.

Just when you sat down with your hotdog.

PHONE RINGS

The Mill Health Centre. How may I help you?

Serena Stewart.

Can you tell that Dr Carter that he's won.

'Tell him I know I need to take the medication.'

It'll make his day.

I need another prescription.

A repeat prescription?

'A replacement,'

amoxicillin.

I tore the first one up.

I feel worse.

It'll make his day.

Dr Carter will only be pleased that you are accepting help.

I'll get a black cab if I know what time it'll be there.

'Your prescription will be ready at the start of afternoon surgery.'

I'll telephone you if there are any problems.

'Are you're sure? It's just I can't face him.'

Leave it with me.

Well, of course the woman has issues,

but there's such a thing as cutting off one's nose to spite one's face.

She appreciates she behaved badly.

As much as she will appreciate your forbearance.

Hmm. Well, seeing as it's you.

Where do you stand on bees, Mrs Tembe?

Never in bare feet, Dr Carter.

Cone note.

Dissent amongst doctors, vis-a-vis cordoned off slots.

Clear cone envy, directed at Julia.

Possible solution? Colour coded, multi-coning.

Hey! What do you think you're doing?

-Excuse me?

-Somebody in a wheelchair might've needed a number two.

-Let's go.

-You go. I'll see you later.

Go on.

What? Jealous?

-Lunching here?

-Yep, need some protein!

And slow release carbs.

Otherwise known as a...sandwich!

Yep!

Finishing school wasn't wasted on you, was it?

You know what? There's nothing about this place I'm not enjoying.

Seriously. Watch this space.

I'm going nowhere.

-I'm being seen. You go ahead.

-I'm only collecting a prescription.

Serena Stewart.

Prescription?

Just give me a minute. We're having a little bit of trouble today.

It's not usually like this.

Third time lucky. Let's hope, eh?

-I've got a taxi waiting.

-Right.

Well, there's nothing for Stewart, here.

Repeat prescriptions do take 24 hours.

But I called earlier!

You didn't speak to me, did you?

No! It was... a lady with an African accent.

Mrs Tembe.

Sorry. There's nothing here.

Is this a joke?

She said she'd call me if there was a problem.

She's just having a little rest.

Well, get her! And get the practice manager, too.

Maybe those people were right.

I shouldn't be here.

They were repulsive racists and halfwits.

I shouldn't have come back.

Nonsense. What would we do without you?

I'm sorry to interrupt.

There's a lady who wants to make a complaint...

about Mrs Tembe.

She's pretty furious.

Are you Mrs Stewart?

There is no prescription.

There is. I signed the replacement.

-We made a joke about bees.

-Really?

So, I'm funny, am I? Laughing are you?

Hey, now, come on.

-Nobody's laughing at anybody.

-You sure?

I put a note on the prescription.

And it's disappeared.

Of course. Well, this is the NHS and you're all incompetent.

I am so sorry!

-Can I help?

-Who are you?

The practice manager. Is everything all right?

Really? You must be so proud.

What's your kill rate?

Right. I've got this, Julia.

Let's talk about Richard.

Can you tell the cab to come back later

and I'll see Mr Biglow next.

Today was supposed to be a lovely day.

You should sit down.

I want to get out of here. I hate these places. I hate all of you!

I know.

I've read Richard's notes.

They put on rubber gloves and they think they're clean.

He wasn't even 50.

He should still be alive. The hospital failed Richard.

-I told them about the gloves.

-They should have listened.

You agree with me?

I am sorry that the health service I believe in

is responsible for your tragedy and your loss.

I want to apologise.

(Thank you.)

But please, Serena. Let me help you.

It was Richard who wanted to keep the bees.

Thank you.

Lauren?

Agency stuff to sign.

Lauren has tried to teach me, but...

Huh! Lauren! She comes across all sweet and wonderful.

Nothing's her fault, and you get the blame for it all.

I am usually good with technology.

'Look, click on Barry's appointment.'

I am clicking.

'And highlight it.'

I am highlighting.

Watch her.

Well...

And then, left click the mouse, scroll down.

'There should be a button that says,

' "Show All Amends." '

'Mrs Tembe?

'Mrs Tembe, are you still there?'

She has done this to me!

Thank you, Imogen Hollins.

I am indebted to you.

Hmmm.

You've been fiddling with this, haven't you?

I've always been a squeezer. I can't help it.

So, it's a bee sting.

There's a bit of sting still left in it though.

Right, you're going to have to hold this.

Is it going to hurt?

Oh, I expect so.

Yes, that's right. Move it over. That's it.

Now it's nice and exposed.

If you can just...there we go.

BARRY YELLS

Gotcha!

No bees, no honey, though. That's what the Spanish say.

No bees, no sting on the end of your how's yer father.

Nasty brutes. I've got some cream.

So, em...

how exactly did you...

It weren't no naked midnight stroll round no apiary.

Yes. I was near hives today.

Got off lightly.

Barry!

I'm sorry you've been shoved from pillar to post,

-it's all been a bit of a cockup today, I'm afraid.

-I'm on a day off.

Everything OK now?

Ms Parsons.

Please.

What happens in the consulting room...

..stays in the consulting room.

Ah.

-Even if it takes all day to get in there.

-Right.

You just change your mind and I'm supposed to be fine with that?

What can I tell you? I've made plans.

We made plans.

-You self-centred, self-serving...

-Oh, and I thought you loved me?

-Bitch!

-And that's another reason why I'm not seeing you later.

You're just meat, Lauren. And you're rank!

Yeah, who you tryin' to kid?

I've been trying to avoid you.

People see you.

I saw you, in there.

-Oh, yawn!

-Barry and Imogen,

-they see you too.

-Yawn, yawn.

I have been trying to give you the benefit of the doubt.

You hid this?

Why would you do that?

-I can't be bothered with you now.

-And the computer.

What have I ever done to you?

Nothing, I'm simply hastening the inevitable!

Why don't you do us a favour and go.

-I beg your pardon!

-You heard me.

Just go home!

In one day, I have grown to hate you more than I could ever imagine!

-I wish you dead!

-What now?!

-I don't know, Dr Carter, honestly I...

-Save it.

Both of you. Julia's office. 9 am.

MRS TEMBE SOBS

And don't imagine for one moment, I think this is one-sided.

DR GRANGER WHISTLES

-LAUREN SOBS You OK?

-No.

I've had a really horrible day. I keep coming over all faint.

-Want a glass of water?

-No.

But... I could really do with a lift home.

Would you...?

OK, here you go. I better get off.

What's the matter, Dr Granger?

Scared of getting caught in my sticky web?

Come on, would a cup of coffee kill you?

Good night, Lauren.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Are you going to let me in?

-I told you not to come.

There are things I want to say to you.

-Just. Go. Home.

-Why?

Cos you're doing someone else?

Yeah, that's right.

I've got Freya here, my new lesbian lover, I'm doing her real good!

I bet you are!

Don't close the door in my face, slag!

Me? A slag? Then what are you?

Just go home, Kevin.

-The grown-ups are playing.

-Don't you...!

-Just gross!

-What!

Get back, behind your nets!

Oh, big man!

Now.

Where were we?

# Come on and take it!

# Take another little piece of my heart now, baby! #

I'm not that kind of girl.

Now, we both know that's not true.

No, no.

Not again.

Yes. I am sleeping with Kevin.

And he's better than you.

LAUREN LAUGHS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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