Health and Tembe Doctors

'Dear brother,

'I hope this finds your family well and your business prosperous.

'I have settled back here again

'in the British West Midlands

'and my position as recept...' Oh.

'..senior receptionist at the Mill Health Centre.

'Now that the staff members have implemented my improvements,

'the two surgeries are running like clockwork.

'Almost too well.' Hm.

'Perhaps I am in need of a new challenge.

'Which is something I have in common

'with my good friend and colleague

'Doctor Heston Carter.'

What are you doing today?

Today, I am mainly thanking God for half-term holidays.

We need to buy Mum a present. Are you free for lunch?

Mm. Sounds like a plan.

-Sushi? Italian?

-Either.

Hi.

Oh! What have you got there?

Nardee made me pancakes.

Did she? I think Nardee spoils you.

No.

Sally get off OK this morning?

Yeah. 6:30. She's probably halfway up the motorway by now.

I think Nardee spoils both of us. I'd better not get used to it.

Sally hardly has any time to cook a breakfast these days.

She's a working mum, isn't she?

And since when did I bring you up to be a Neanderthal?

Sorry. Bit of a bear with a sore head.

Too much work and not enough play for me.

We'll play with you, Daddy.

Yeah. We'll play with you.

Actually, I was hoping I might make the gym.

You two can have some time together.

Hm. What do you reckon?

Can we make fairy cakes?

I think we can make fairy cakes.

-PHONE RINGS

-Ooh! Sorry.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Margaret.

Yeah, I know. I heard.

Are they now?

A tip-off?

"There's been an outbreak of C Diff at St Phil's."

The powers that be have ordered a hygiene spot check

on local surgeries to look for cross-contamination.

"What do you want me to do?"

Could you raise it at the staff meeting,

check that we're all up to speed?

Are you envisaging any problems?

Absolutely not. Our hygiene and infection control is spot-on.

Of course.

Rain check till tomorrow.

He calls and you come running. Will you ever learn?

Do you mind? I'm getting dressed.

Just don't say I didn't warn you.

Any volunteers?

Right. Well, you and you, for starters.

Why us?

Duh! Because you're OCD.

-Zara!

-And you're the only nurse in the village.

Perhaps a show of hands. All those in favour of Jimmi and Cherry?

Excellent. Carried.

That just leaves infection control and health and safety.

-I think we can double up on those.

-Ahem!

Don't look at me.

It may be of interest

that I possess a diploma in health and safety.

-Do you indeed?

-And a certificate in first aid.

I think that makes you a very suitable candidate.

Are you stark-raving mad?

Are you volunteering?

Right. In that case, all those in favour of Mrs Tembe

as infection control and health and safety lead?

Unanimous!

I hope you don't regret this.

Congratulations, Mrs Tembe.

I-I-I will, I will have to make a badge.

MUSIC PLAYS

-"Hello?"

-How's everything?

"Oh, it's fantastic!"

We're baking up a storm here.

"That's great. Um, Mum, listen, I've been offered a round of golf."

Can you manage for a few more hours?

"Of course we can. You go and enjoy yourself."

Anyway, if you came home now, you'd probably get covered in chocolate icing.

Thanks, Mum. I really appreciate it.

-That's what mums are for.

-HORN BLARES

DIALLING TONE

Sorry, darling, we got cut off.

-Where's he going?

-Going to play golf.

But he left his golf clubs.

-Oh, well, I expect he'll be able to borrow some.

-RAPID BEEPING

Ha! Come on, next batch. Chop chop!

FAINT MUSIC PLAYS

SIRENS WAIL

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Yes.

-Mrs Tembe.

-Dr Carter.

-No tea?

I fear there are more urgent matters requiring my attention.

-Oh, yes?

-Dr Carter...

I regret to inform you that I have already found

several infringements of the regulations.

I knew you would whip us all into shape.

Would you like me to run through them with you?

I would much rather leave everything in your more-than-capable hands.

So...I have your permission

to proceed as I see fit?

You have my full authority, Mrs Tembe.

'It has come to my attention

'that the Surgery is in breach of hand-hygiene regulations.

'Accordingly, there will be a compulsory assessment

'and training session at 2:00pm.

'All staff are required to attend.'

This is all your fault.

Mrs Tembe, is this really necessary?

It is more than that.

It is a requirement.

"A yearly hand-hygiene training of all staff

"and record of training

"must be available at all times."

We are already nine months out of date.

We all know how to wash our hands.

That remains to be seen, Nurse Malone,

as I will be assessing you all.

I'm quaking in my boots.

Dr Carter, as senior partner, perhaps you would like to go first.

Senior partner?

Since when did we have a senior partner?

I can't believe we're spending lunch having hand-washing lessons.

Especially for you. You might as well teach the Pope to pray.

One more word from you, Zara.

Could you just, um...?

Well?

I regret to inform you that you have failed.

-Failed?

-It seems that this assessment

has come not a moment too soon.

# The deep blue sea, sea, sea. #

Mwah! OK. Ready?

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh. Hang on.

Hello?

Yeah, this is she.

What? We've got to go, baby.

Ensure that the water is neither too hot nor too cold.

Wet hands before applying soap.

One squirt of soap.

Perform the six-stage hand-washing technique

for about 10-20 seconds of rubbing.

One. Palm to palm.

Two. Palm to dorsum.

Fingers interlaced both sides.

Three. Palm to palm, fingers interlaced.

Four. Grasp fingers.

Five. Rotational rubbing of the thumb.

CHERRY CHUCKLES Both sides.

Six.

Rinse.

-She's on her way to Radiology to have it X-rayed.

-Thanks.

Excuse me. My son's been in a car crash. Patrick McGuire.

He's in Resus being assessed for spinal injuries.

-What kind of spinal injuries?

-He was brought in with neck pain.

Try not to worry, it could be nothing.

Take a seat. I'll come and find you as soon as there's any news.

I hope you aren't expecting any sympathy.

-This isn't my fault.

-When are you going to realise

that by bringing bad things on other people,

you bring bad things on yourself?

I haven't hurt anyone.

You really are that self-absorbed.

His wife! His children!

There's bound to be children. There always is.

Maybe this is for the best. Force things out into the open.

He's not going to leave his wife.

-You don't even know him.

-I know you.

Different man, same story.

They promise you a future and you end up crying into a tub of ice cream!

I've just been unlucky.

You make your own bad luck.

You're jealous. You haven't had a boyfriend for years.

At least my boyfriends weren't all married.

Can I go now?

Families.

Oh! Forgive me, Dr Clay.

I am just conducting a regulatory self-audit. Nearly finished.

Fine, Mrs Tembe.

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

The consumption of food

is not allowed in the clinical area.

All meals and snacks are to be eaten in the staffroom.

Other than that, you have scored very highly.

Although...

this will have to go.

Hey, that's my nailbrush!

I do not make the rules, Dr Clay.

I merely enforce them.

I'd like to see Julia Parsons.

No appointment, but tell her it's Marina Bonnaire.

Oh. Mrs Parsons is on holiday.

But you are speaking to Winifred Tembe,

infections control and health...

If you could excuse me, please.

-Sure.

-WILD-WEST MUSIC

Mrs Winifred Tembe.

Infections control and health and safety lead.

-Would you like to follow me, please?

-Thanks.

Perhaps you would like to see our fridge.

Is it a special fridge?

The temperature is kept between nought and five degrees centigrade.

Essential for preventing the growth of harmful bacteria.

Now, please note,

each food is stored on the correct shelf.

Dairy products, meats, salads.

All covered and dated.

Splendid!

Each room is damp-dusted daily.

Perhaps you would like to see for yourself.

I'd rather have a cup of tea.

Of course. Where are my manners?

Ah! Nurse Malone. I would like to introduce you -

Well, well. If it isn't Cherry Malone!

-Oh!

-Oh, Marina! What are you doing here?

-I'm your new health visitor.

-You're not tutoring any more?

Excuse me.

You are not the hygiene inspector?

-Oh, I see. You thought...

-SHE LAUGHS

Thank goodness for that. I thought she was bonkers!

THEY LAUGH

Your son's fine.

No sign of spinal injury.

-They're taking him for a CT scan, but that's just a precaution.

-Thank God. Thank you.

It could have been a lot worse. The paramedics said they were both very lucky.

-Can I have some help in here, please?

-They?

"'Is it weakness of intellect, Birdie,' I cried,

"'or a rather tough worm in your little inside?'

"With a shake of his poor little head, he replied..."

# Singing willow, titwillow, titwillow. #

Dr Heston Carter, I presume.

I saw your Ko-Ko and was very impressed.

As the actress said to the bishop.

You have me at a disadvantage.

Marina Bonnaire.

-I'm your new health visitor.

-Ah!

Your performance on Saturday was a triumph!

Oh, well...!

I'm just about to go in search of a cup of tea. Will you join me?

Only if you let me make the tea.

THEY CHUCKLE

-Come in(!)

-Dr Carmichael. You will need these.

-Why?

-Fingernails should be short,

debris free and should not extend beyond the fingertips.

-And?

-And, Dr Carmichael,

you are in breach of the manual.

Have you any idea how much this manicure cost?

I'm afraid I have to insist.

Insist? Who the hell do you think you are?

I am infections control and health and safety lead.

Which means on this occasion,

I outrank you.

-What if I don't do it?

-Then I have no option

than to make a report of it in my audit.

-Fine. Audit away.

-I take it you are prepared to be named and shamed?

You can put me on Crimewatch, for all I care. Now if you don't mind...

Dr Carmichael, I cannot allow -

Just get out of my office, you wretched woman!

There is no need to be rude!

OK, then.

Please take your nail scissors and your manual

and your self-help audit and get the hell out of my office!

You have not heard the last of this!

Thank you!

I was particularly impressed with your Sprechgesang.

I think some of my critics thought it was more Sprechstimme than Sprechgesang.

Oh, fiddlesticks!

There's a fine line between the two and you drew it perfectly.

Thank you. Thank you.

-How's your Lapsang?

-I'm not sure whether to drink it or swab wounds with it,

but it's warm and wet, as me granny used to say.

Yes, yes. You're an Earl Grey woman.

I must say, I'm very surprised to see fine china in a GP's surgery.

A theatre and a porcelain lover. My good fortune.

Actually, fortune had nothing to do with it.

I've got a proposition for you.

Mrs Tembe, my meditation cushions have gone.

I have sent them off for steam cleaning.

-They weren't dirty.

-They are incubators for bacteria.

And contrary to regulations regarding soft furnishings in clinical areas.

Mrs Tembe, I can't meditate...

When will they be back?

By the end of the week.

When I will be asking for their permanent removal.

You can't do that!

I think you will find that I can.

They said you were OK!

I am. I'm fine.

They just won't release me until my CT scan comes back.

After the crash...

..for a split second...

..I thought you were dead.

(We could both have died.)

Do you think we have a guardian angel?

-I think we had good air bags.

-I'm serious.

Telling us what?

Your mother's here. Shall I send her in?

Oh, God! Um... Can you just give us a couple of minutes, please?

Okey-dokey.

You'd better go.

I have to meet your family at some point.

-What?

-Sally's your past.

I'm your future.

You and me and the baby she won't give you.

Um...go home and I'll call you.

You are going to tell her? Patrick?

You are going to tell Sally?

Go. I'll call.

I love you.

So, this is Nurse Teddy.

Do you want to hold her while I give you a small little jab in your leg?

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

(Who is it?)

Oh! Mrs Tembe. Thank you.

Nurse Malone, can I have a word with you outside, please?

If a patient comes into the surgery with a cold,

all staff who comes into contact with them

must wear a face mask.

Are you joking?

That child is full of cold.

I observed her in the waiting room.

Coughing and sneezing.

Her nose was running faster than Victoria Falls.

Mrs Tembe, I'm a nurse. I've got a cast-iron immune system.

And this is what you will say to the inspectors,

should they drop in on you?

Treating an infectious patient

without proper protective clothing?

That's my teddy!

All toys should have a hard, wipe-clean surface,

suitable for disinfection.

An historical showcase trial?

It's part of the university's centenary celebrations.

Using the original transcripts,

we're going to re-enact the trial of 19-year-old Amelia Watson,

hanged for murdering her baby.

Sounds like a very interesting project, but what's it got to do with me?

The defence counsel was Edward Templeton KC.

One of the most gifted orators of his time.

His dramatic hyperbole could overwhelm a dubious jury

and undermine the hardest evidence.

-And?

-The minute I saw your Ko-Ko,

I knew I'd found my KC.

Where is that damn Tembe woman?

She's overseeing a vaccine delivery,

making sure the cold chain hasn't been broken.

Right, that is it! I have had enough of this!

I need someone with flair.

-Well, I'm flattered, but...

-It'll up your profile at the university.

In that case, how can I say no?

There you are. Sorry, excuse me. Have you seen what Mrs Tembe's done to -

Either you do something about her, or I will wring her scrawny neck!

-She took my beanbag!

-THEY TALK AT ONCE

-Hands full, I see. I'll call you tomorrow.

-I'll look forward to it.

I've had complaints from patients objecting to sitting in the Infectious Area.

Quiet, please. I know that Mrs Tembe has been a tad overzealous.

-I'll have a few words.

-That won't do, unless you say, "You're fired".

Impossible. Her pride would never stand it.

I don't give a toss about her pride.

Then we wouldn't have a receptionist.

Oh, dear. Never mind. Needs must.

Look, the power has gone to her head.

In time, she will calm down.

-That's what they said when Hitler invaded Poland.

-Maybe we should take a vote.

That is a surprisingly good suggestion, coming from you.

-I vote for a vote.

-All those in favour

of relieving Mrs Tembe of infection control and health and bloody safety lead?

-Cherry.

-Vote carried.

I think as senior partner, you should carry it out immediately.

BREATHLESS: Oh!

I have come to inform you...

..that the hygiene inspectors are here.

Oh, Patrick. Don't do that to me again.

I nearly had a heart attack.

So, what happened, sweetheart?

Oh! I hit a tree.

What? Who was the person in the car with you, then?

-What?

-The other person in the car.

Patrick?

She's...

I'm so sorry.

No, Patrick.

You're good to go.

The registrar will prescribe some painkillers for the whiplash,

and then you can go home.

(I'm sorry.)

Flying colours. You have to hand it to Mrs Tembe.

I'll hand her anything you like, as long as it's her P45!

Is that any way to reward staff for a job well done?

If you don't, you won't have any staff.

You'll have a mutiny on your hands.

Ha-ha!

The inspectors assure me they will be making a very favourable report.

-Congratulations, Mrs Tembe. Good start.

-Seconded.

Do you think we could all have a little chat in my office?

Of course, Dr Carter. You will be wanting a full debrief.

How are you finding your new role, Mrs Tembe?

-Very challenging.

-Ah! You see, that's -

But also extremely rewarding.

It's not too time-consuming?

Encroaching on your other duties?

Now, I know I forgot your morning tea, but...

-Yes.

-..I can assure you, it will not happen again.

Morning tea? You never bring me morning tea!

That is because you do not deserve it.

C-C-C-Can we just, um...

I hope you are not suggesting that I cannot cope.

Or that I should resign my position!

On the contrary. No, no, no, no.

We think that perhaps you should be, um...promoted.

-T-To...

-To...

infection control and health and safety...

-coordinator.

-Coordinator.

It's a role that has fewer duties, but...

far more authority.

What, what sort of authority?

We'll get someone else to do the day-to-day stuff,

-freeing you...

-Freeing you to be in charge

of signing off on everything.

Everything.

We don't want another foot soldier.

-We want a general.

-A general.

Oh.

Coordinator.

I will need another badge.

-I don't know why I'm surprised you turned out like your father. Maybe adultery's genetic.

-Mum...

-Who is this woman?

-She's no-one.

I met her at a work conference. It's not serious.

Oh, please! Don't make things worse by insulting me!

-I've seen it all before. Remember?

-Mum...

No. Just, just get your things and I'll wait in the car!

No, no, no. Go on.

We'll get the ice cream on the way home.

'Only this morning I told you I was looking for a new challenge.

'Well you will never believe what has happened to your sister today.

'I was promoted.

'Twice!'

She's in bed.

Good.

Mum, can we talk?

Patrick, I can't even look at you at the moment.

I'm going to have an early night.

Mum...?

Say hello to the nice lady, Gavin.

Gavin can't talk. He's lost his voice.

You're missing the point!

You, of all people, know what I went through.

-Keep away from me!

-Where are you going? Tessa?

Just keep away!

-"It's alive. I'm telling you, it's alive."

-What is?

The dummy. It can talk. It spoke to me.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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