The Bulge Doctors

# Party rockers in the house tonight

# Everybody just have a good time

# And we will make you lose your mind

# Everybody just have a good time... #

SHE GASPS

Are you OK?

What does it look like? Ah!

-Do you want me to call an ambulance?

-No, just give us a hand.

Thank you.

Are you sure you don't need an ambulance?

No, I'll be fine. Phew!

I just... I just, erm, need to get to...

What is it?

-Where's my... Where's my purse?

-You lost it?

-It's not here.

Where was the last place you had it?

I don't... I dunno. I've been walking for miles.

Hang on. Why don't we retrace your steps?

Actually... I think I've left it in my friend's house.

And now she's going to be at work,

so I'm not going to be able to get it till tonight.

-That's annoying.

-I know - and I've got my train tickets in there and about £20 in cash.

-Do you want me to phone the police?

-No, it's not worth it.

I'm just tired, and I want to have a shower

-and I need to get home to Solihull.

-Well, how much was your train fare?

£5.50.

I'll see what I've got.

-It'll have to be in coins.

-That's really kind of you.

One. Two. Oh, that's a Euro.

Don't know what that's doing in there!

-There we go.

-Aw, you're a lifesaver.

I don't know what I would have done without you.

-Anyone would have done the same.

-No.

Anyone else would look the other way, pretend they couldn't see me. You're one in a million.

Do you want me to walk you to the station?

Oh, don't be silly. I'm sure you've got places to go.

-It's no bother. And I'd like to make sure you get back to Solihull before you go into labour.

-Ha! Fine.

So you will have a word? It's important.

I just don't know how she's going to take it.

Look, just do it, Daniel! I'm stressed enough as it is!

Oh...My life just gets worse.

Morning!

-Thanks for helping!

-It's not part of my job description.

And there was me thinking doctors were meant to help people!

Can't you ask someone else?

Who? The army of elves I keep behind reception?

I've got to get ready.

Why don't you just help instead of arguing about it?

I'm not the one who's arguing.

Oh!

What is this mess?!

I asked the mighty Kevin, but no! Doesn't want to get his hands dirty.

Honestly, if you want something doing...

-Hey, are you sure that's wise?

-Hey, hey. What are you doing?

-Do you remember what they said at the hospital?

-Thanks, Kevin!

You might as well put up a poster in reception telling all the patients!

Just because I'm pregnant, there's no need to patronise me.

-So, when is it due?

-It's not till half nine.

Blimey, that's a bit specific!

Sorry, you mean... Erm, well, I'm eight and a half months,

so, um, the beginning of December.

-Just in time for Christmas!

-Yeah.

Look, I'll just wait here. My train's not for half an hour.

Are you sure?

I'm positive. You have been so helpful.

You're welcome.

You know, this world would be a whole lot better

if there were more people like you in it.

-Thanks!

-No. Thank you, um...?

-Jack.

-I don't believe it! You'll never guess what my name is.

Dunno.

It's Jill. We should, um, go up the hill together!

Yeah!

Well, thanks again.

-I'm sure I just felt him kicking!

-Sorry about that!

-Well, bye, Jill.

-Bye, Jack.

Morning!

Ah, good morning, Nurse Malone. Dr Clay.

Is it your birthday, Mrs Tembe?

-No, it has nothing to do with me. It has been left for Dr Carter.

-Aw! I bet I know who left that.

Why didn't she just give it to him? They see each other enough.

Well, it's more romantic if you come to work and it's waiting for you.

Hint, hint. Let's have a look.

Nurse Malone! You cannot read Dr Carter's private messages.

What does it say?

It says, "Hope this leaves you shaken not stirred, big boy...

"Marina."

It didn't take him long to get his feet under the table.

I like that blouse! What colour is it? Magenta?

I have no idea.

Maybe we could have our new bathroom that colour.

Big boy!

Jack!

Jack!

Ciaran! Hi, sorry. I was miles away.

-Anywhere nice?

-No, not really.

I had a bit of a weird morning, missed a lecture.

And they say drama students are slackers!

So, how are things with you?

I'm good. Good. I've got a part in a new play.

-Right! What's that?

-I'm playing Noel Coward.

-Typecast!

-And I've just moved into a flat down by the canal.

Sounds cool.

-And I've got a boyfriend.

-Now, he is definitely gay this time?

Ha-ha(!)

Oh, I heard about you and that forensics guy.

-You were all over the papers.

-Yeah.

Is it true he tried to kill you twice?

I'm really trying to just move on from that.

Oh. I see. Well, it was great seeing you.

-If you fancy a drink some time..?

-Why not?

How about lunchtime? 12.30, SU?

If you can tear yourself away from daytime television.

For you, Ciaran, I am prepared to miss Bargain Hunt.

Great! See you then.

Yeah?!

-What's this?

-Cup of tea.

-I'm not thirsty.

I just wanted to say sorry, in case we went overboard this morning.

-Apology noted.

-And if there's anything you want to talk about, anytime,

-you know where I am.

-OK, things may be bad,

but I have not yet reached that circle of hell.

Fine. Just trying to be polite.

You're a long way from Solihull.

-Sorry, do I know you?

-Don't give me that! I want my fiver back.

I have no idea who you are.

I see you've had your baby. What was it? Oh, yeah, a cushion.

-I don't know what you're on about.

-I've only got one thing to say to you.

-What?

Smile!

Now, Dr Carter runs an asthma clinic here on the third Wednesday of every month,

so Mrs Hollins will put you down for the next one on the 20th.

-Thank you.

-Erm, that's a bit of a problem.

No, it really isn't. So we'll see you on the 20th. Thank you.

-Mr, Bletchley, I'll give you a bell.

-Thank you.

-Why, what's the problem?

Erm, well, first of all,

it's Jimmi that runs the asthma clinic.

Secondly, they're at the Mill. Thirdly, they're every other Friday.

Fourthly, I think the 20th is a Sunday, fifthly...

Yeah?!

I really think you need a cup of tea.

KNOCKING Come in!

Dr Carter. I have made you a nice cup of...

Sorry. I thought you were busy so I...

I am never too busy to make you your tea.

I will drink that one later.

Someone left this at reception for you.

Oh, this is intriguing!

Oh, I think I know what this is!

This is going to keep us amused this evening for hours to come.

-What is it?

-It is a cocktail kit.

Marina is very into this, she's trying to convince me.

You see there's a cocktail shaker. And we have a grater.

And a very special ingredient.

-What is that?!

-Well, you have to coat the glass.

Salt with a margarita, and sugar with a sweet cocktail.

But the true cognoscenti use this pomegranate sugar.

Apparently once you've tried this you never rim with anything else.

Here you are. Go on, then, let's have a look.

That's her. And her name's Jill.

Oh, yeah. Is that what she's calling herself these days?

-You know her?!

-Well, we're not best mates,

but I have asked her to move along a few times.

Usually hangs around outside the Everglades Shopping Centre.

Gives you a sob story, then, er, asks for a few quid to get home.

-Why hasn't she been arrested?

-On what charge?

She's committing fraud.

What, is it a crime to shove a cushion up your jumper?

She's obtaining money by deception.

Yeah, well, technically that's right.

But, OK, so you get the evidence, take her to court, she gets a fine.

How do you think she pays that back?

Er, Dr Wilson?

-You all right?

-Uh, as you know,

I am not the sort of person to poke my nose into the affairs of others.

-I am.

-Well, I am well aware of that.

But what sort of person would you say Mrs Bonnaire is?

Why do you want to know?

It's just that she has befriended Dr Carter.

Oh, I'd say she's done a little bit more than that.

In fact, I think she's "befriended" his brains out.

Just seems immoral.

-Welcome to my world.

-I gave her a fiver.

Just be glad you didn't give her any more.

You've done a nice thing, so now learn your lesson and move on.

I'm going to write an article for the student newspaper.

-Oh, great, because that's always helped, hasn't it(?)

-I've got to do something!

Where did you say she hangs out? The Everglades?

I don't want you confronting her, so just get back to work.

Otherwise you'll end up unemployed, wandering around, tricking people out of money.

Yeah, right!

-Thank you.

-No worries.

OK, can we set some ground rules?

Fire away.

I don't want anyone discussing my condition in reception,

or the staff room, or anywhere else where patients can hear.

You're pregnant! It's not the Black Death.

I just find it a bit difficult.

Why?

Well, it's probably partly the IVF.

I'm having treatment for something that so many people have struggled with,

and yet somehow so far it's worked, and that puts me under a huge obligation to be happy.

Are you not happy?

Well, of course I'm happy. But I'm not Julie Andrews.

I, I want this. I want this more than anything else.

I just wish I could fast-forward the next six months.

I'm sorry. When I said, "Let's meet for a drink,"

I did actually visualise sitting down.

And actually drinking something.

-Yeah, well, I really want to have a word with this girl.

-What?

Are you hoping to see some baby photos?

-Or buy her some matching cushion covers?

-It's not funny.

-It is a bit.

-Why did she pick on me?

-Because...

you've got the kind of face that says the confession light is on,

come on in, tell me all your troubles.

-Really?

-You have.

That's why people want to be friends with you,

why sometimes someone will fall for you...

-..and occasionally someone will take advantage.

-Oh!

-I don't feel that bad now. It's a gift, really.

-It is.

There she is!

What?

You know, he's such a skinny thing now, but when I was carrying him,

he was huge! Rob used to call me Moby Dick.

He used to shout at the top of his voice, "There she blows!"

He said if I got any fatter, he'd have to harpoon me.

Are you all right?

I don't want to look like Moby Dick.

I don't want piles and stretch marks.

I've worked in obs and gynae.

I've seen the appalling labours some of those women have go to through.

-It's not going to be that bad!

-How do you know?

Because... you're having a baby. And that's wonderful.

And no matter how much pain you have,

you know what you're going to get at the end of it.

But I don't know.

I've, I've booked the private clinic,

I've interviewed the midwife,

I've made the birth plan, but...

all the touchy feely stuff...

when I... when I have to look after a little...

Baby.

Yes.

It's just not me.

I mean, are you sure? This is so kind of you, I...

Hello! What's the money for? Getting your child reupholstered?

Or do you fancy a matching pair of curtains?

-I don't know what he's on about.

-Oh, come off it!

-Jack!

Right.

Shall we think of a name for it?

-Right, well, I'll leave you to get on.

-Thanks.

You know, it's not going to be as bad as you think.

Why don't you talk to your mum?

-Because she's dead.

-Oh, I'm sorry. I... I didn't know.

It's all right. No, it's true, the last few weeks,

I have missed her more than in my whole life.

-I do just wish I could ask her...

-Are you going to see any patients

-or is this some kind of punishment?

-All right, I'm coming!

Anyway, for the moment, we're just going to deal with the practical things.

Right now, Daniel's just about to tell Izzie.

It will be fun. You like babies, don't you?

And this baby's going to be your best friend in the whole wide world.

You'll be able to share your toys with them, cos you're such a clever girl...

Oi!

Oh, don't give me that! Do I look like that sort of person?

You can't always tell.

-So... why do you do it?

-What?

-Rip people off.

Steal their money. Tell them loads of lies.

You gave me that money.

Have you never had a handout in your life?

At least I don't go round telling people I'm pregnant!

You know perfectly well that when a guy sees a woman who's expecting,

he's going to want to open doors for her, give up his seat on the bus.

Huh, that's rubbish. Loads of times, people just make me stand.

But you're exploiting people's good nature!

Thanks to you, the next time someone asks me for something,

I'm going to be that little bit more suspicious, less likely to help.

And I think you're doing a massive disservice to women

who are genuinely pregnant.

Well, it's all right for them.

At least they can actually have kids.

No, it's not in Mummy's tummy. It's Zara's baby,

and whenever you come...

Look, you can teach it how to walk and talk and everything,

because you are such a good girl.

I see them every day.

Young mums down the park shouting at their kids,

threatening to bash them.

And I know I'll never have what they've got.

That's what my doctor says.

And even if I could, there's the small problem of finding

a bloke who doesn't beat the crap out of me.

A place to live that doesn't have mould growing up the walls.

-OK, I know things are bad, but...

-No, you don't know.

You don't know what it feels like to be walking around, feeling empty.

When you've only ever wanted one thing in your life.

But the closest I can get is to stick a cushion up my jumper.

That still doesn't excuse what you're doing.

I could do worse, though, couldn't I?

I used to dream about taking a child.

You know, from some pram-faced mum

screaming her head off down the supermarket,

talking on a phone while her kiddy wanders off.

Maybe that's how I'll do it.

Or maybe, I'll just carry on with this fantasy.

That my baby's on its way and it'll be here by Christmas.

Look, I really think you need some help,

and I'm going to try and get you some numbers.

What do you think, Izzie? What do you think?

Baby, baby.

I think you're going to love the real baby even more.

I don't know if any of these people will be able to help,

but you need to talk to someone.

You've helped me.

Because for once, someone has listened to me, and not judged me.

You treated me like a human being,

so now I must behave like one.

It's nothing.

It's not nothing. I think you're amazing.

And maybe if I'd met someone like you when I was younger,

my life wouldn't have been such a mess.

Don't cry!

-It's just been one of those days.

-Jack!

-Oh, Ciaran, hi!

-Jill, this is my friend...

-Hello, Keira.

Long time no see! This is yours, I believe.

Did you just call her Keira?

-That's right.

-And you've met her?

Er, you could say that.

-I'm just nipping out for a bit.

-All right, see you.

Um, I lost my mum, too, when I was quite young.

I thought I was over it,

but any time now I have a big decision to make, I just wish

I could have her back, just for one day, just to ask one question.

I see.

-So, you know, if ever you want to talk...

-Don't hold your breath.

-Right, can I have a JD and Coke, please?

-The same.

So we're not having beers, then?

-Right now, I want something a bit stronger.

-Right.

-Tell me about...

-Keira. At least, that was her name when I met her.

-You're sure it's the same person?

-Oh, yeah,

though I think she probably has several different names.

'You are through to Bobbie's answerphone.

'Please leave a message, and I'll get back to your answerphone.'

So where did you meet her?

Well, it was a couple of months ago.

I was still single,

still convinced the world would end before anyone saw me naked.

I'd just spent the whole evening in this club,

being ignored by everyone.

And I was waiting for a train. Suddenly, this girl comes along.

She said she was a fashion photographer

and I could earn a fortune as a fashion model.

Now, I wasn't sure if she was serious or not,

but she took a few photos on her phone, and she says,

"Have you got an agent?" She gave me her phone number.

Only, she must have left out a digit, I think, because when I rang,

it said, "The number you have dialled is not available."

-Don't tell me, she asked for £100 to join her modelling agency?

-No!

Though she did ask for a fiver so she could get back to Bournville.

That's Jill!

I feel like such an eejit.

Why should you? I think she's brilliant.

-What?

-Well, I've been feeling like crap the past few days.

She made me feel like a knight in shining armour.

You were feeling inadequate and she made you feel special.

And then you went out and met the bloke of your dreams, your life just got better.

-I suppose.

-So that's what she does.

She makes people feel good about themselves,

and that gives them the courage to follow their dreams.

And she only charges a fiver. It's a bargain!

So who do you think she is, really, then?

Whoever you want her to be.

Keira, Jill, Buffy, Britney.

She probably doesn't even know herself.

Well, whoever she is, I'm going to drink to her.

Good idea. So, to Keira or Jill, wherever you are...

I hope that one day you get your life sorted out and find true happiness.

-Well, I'm off.

-Oh, Dr Carter?

-Yes?

I see you are quite friendly with Mrs Bonnaire.

Miss Bonnaire, that's right.

Well, I am pleased for you.

She seems an like an interesting sort of person, very...

-It is nice that you have a friend.

-Thank you, Mrs Tembe.

# Good times for a change

# See, the luck I've had could make a good man turn bad

# So please, please, please

# Let me, let me, let me

# Let me get what I want this time... #

Who in God's name are you? What are you doing in my house?

I don't think I'm being supported in my professional development.

How can a woman of such discernment and intelligence

have no tastebuds whatsoever?

No, no. No!

-You need to calm down.

-OK, that's enough.

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