The Fool Doctors

PHONE RINGS

'This is the answerphone of Dr Heston Carter. I'm not available...'

He's not answering.

-Who?

-Heston.

-He's probably gone out.

I've tried his mobile too, both go through to voice mail.

I've been getting that as well.

I should've gone to see him after surgery.

I shouldn't worry. Mrs Tembe went round took him something to eat.

On the other hand...

-Say hello from me.

-Yep.

# All the boys and the girls

# They got it going on

# And when the beat kicks in you feel it in your bones

# And when the basement cracks and the needle drops

# You can't turn back and you just can't stop

# All the boys and the girls... #

So how's it hanging?

All good, my man. My list of clients gets longer by the day.

Why do men bother with hair plugs? Accept they're losing their barnets?

-If they did I'd be out of a job.

-But it's so obvious.

Not with my new techniques.

-Oh yeah, I forgot, you're a cutting-edge rug maker.

-Trichologist.

Whatever!

Here he is.

-All right, boys?

-Duncan.

You should've seen my last client, serious case of verbal diarrhoea.

Gorgeous, un latte, s'il vous plait.

Same again.

Right then,

let's talk about something interesting - me(!)

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello.

Hi.

Come through.

MUSIC BLARES

I just thought I'd pop by to see if you were...

..just to see...

Heston, would you mind?

I'm rather busy, is there anything in particular you wanted?

No, not really. I just wanted to see how you were,

and if you needed anything.

Very kind of you. I have everything I need.

I am absolutely fine, thank you.

We're very worried about you.

-Sad, pathetic, Heston.

-No, nobody thinks anything of the kind.

-What do you think?

-Well, everyone's very shocked, they feel...

Sorry for me.

No!

I feel as if I've let you down.

I saw the changes in you, I saw the bruises and didn't think for one minute...

Why would you? Why would any man allow themselves to go through that?

-Have you been to the police?

-No.

-Why not?

-I want to forget it.

Well, I can understand that,

but it's not just about you is it?

Marina deals with vulnerable families day in, day out

and not just at our surgery.

I think in light of what she's done you should consider a formal complaint.

Lay bear my humiliation to the police and the medical profession?

Don't you think it's your duty?

All my life I've done my bloody duty. Where's it got me?

Yes!

Another one bites the dust!

Legal pusher?

Pharmaceutical executive, if you don't mind.

Salesman, more like.

Still selling those hairy head warmers?

Steady Dunc. With that cross combing, you'll be a client soon.

Ladies, please!

What brings you up here anyway?

Our biggest client wanted to deal with the main man.

That's right. He's on holiday, so I guess they sent you(!)

So how come you're skiving? Aren't you meant to be saving a life or two?

-I've been given a couple of days off.

-What for?

No reason.

-Smells iffy to me. What do you reckon, Piers?

-You been touching up patients?

-What d'you think I am?

-Oh, please don't tell me you've been kicked out

in favour of that frumpy dumpy Freya?

Give it a rest.

I had to say something to one of the doctors at the surgery,

and because of what I said, it hit the fan,

-and now I'm keeping a low profile.

-What did you say?

The doctor was in an abusive relationship.

And you spilled the beans?

I had to. He was taking it out on me.

He made a complaint over something I'd done. No choice.

-Did you say "He"?

-Leave it.

-So "he" the one being abused?

-Yes.

-By a woman?

What a wuss!

-Was she bigger?

-One of those situations. It DOES happen.

It's not only women that get abused.

What did she do, pull his hair and pinch his nips?

-That's not funny.

-Relax. It's hilarious!

Whay-hay-hay!

I wouldn't mind getting beaten up by those.

DOOR KNOCKS

-Hi.

-Hello you.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

This is really nice.

It's Zara's really.

So you haven't even got your own room?

There's me thinking you're all successful.

Oi!

TEXT ALERT

Ah. It can't have.

Problem?

I made enquires about this flat.

It's cheaper than mine but it's already gone.

Right.

I'm not just saying this because of us

but I have been thinking about getting a lodger.

So, why don't you move in with me?

You serious?

Yeah.

OK, you're on. I'll pack my stuff tonight after craft class.

Great.

-Right, you ready to go?

-Yeah, yeah.

Stitch and Bitch here we come.

-Actually we don't call it that.

-Oh, I thought it was ironic.

No, it's just a bit negative.

-(Sorry.)

-Shall we?

Onwards.

Still driving around in this old thing?

-It's got class, you philistine.

-Yeah, second!

Do me a favour, mate.

What? No, no, no more loans, you already owe me a grand.

Come on, what's a grand between friends?

Debbie's just text me. She's flying in for a few hours.

She's at Birmingham Airport. It's been a week since we've...

Yeah, so?

Well, lend me your keys.

No!

Come on, mate, I'd do it for you.

Cheers.

Debs?

You say you're seeing Debs? But you just got engaged to Lucy.

-Who's Lucy?

-Nice one, Piers.

His fiancee, lives in London.

Solicitor, blond hair, long legs, his usual...

You're two timing Debs?

There's plenty to go around.

She's one of my oldest friends. I thought you two were together!

Come off it, mate, she's just a bird I pulled.

-She'll go ballistic. Give me my keys back.

-No way, amigo.

Duncan!

Prat!

-Sorry, mate. Thought you knew.

-No, he kept it quiet, and now I know why.

I'm not going to let him treat her like a piece of meat. Piers, we need...

Piers!

I need some new mates.

Just give it a try, if you don't like it,

-I promise I won't drag you back.

-It's fine.

And you'll really like Red.

-Red? Is she a Garfield?

-What?

-A ginger nut, a copper top,

Evening, ladies.

Hiya.

-That was her, wasn't it?

-(Yeah).

Thanks for that. We'll catch up later.

I've got to go.

Hey, gorgeous. Go on, jump in.

Thank you.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY

This looks like fun!

Oh, Red.

This is Freya.

Very nice to meet you!

Thank you.

The corridor before, I'm really sorry.

Little bit nervous and your name, which is unusual,

it suits you. Not that you're...

It's nothing exciting, my surname's Redman, it just got shortened.

Right, let's get you started.

How would you like to try some bead craft? Mandy's a dab hand.

-Yeah.

-I'll just clear you a space.

(Whoopee!)

Hi! Fran.

Hey love, I'm Freya. I'm with Man...

-We've heard a lot about you.

-Great(!)

So, what do you think?

It's... that's really good.

-Does that look like an apple to you?

-Definitely.

And I love the grapes, they're really life like.

I haven't painted grapes.

No. But if you had, then they'd look really good.

We've got two hours before I need to be back to the airport.

Well then, let's get ready for take off.

Dunccy, I've been thinking, why don't I sell my flat in London and move in with you?

No.

I mean, wh-wh-why would you want to do that?

Because - it's what couples do.

You do love me, don't you?

I mean really, really love me, Dunccy?

Why don't you just sit back,

and let Dunccy show you how much.

What's that?

We're making a quilt for a charity auction.

We all do our bit you know, as and when we can.

All the money goes to the LCH.

Letherbridge Children's Hospice. Good work.

Mand...

Mand...

they're all staring at me.

They know we're a couple, you see. Just weighing you up.

Great.

-Freya...

-Yeah?

Can I put your name down for the art class?

Yeah, course you can.

They're looking for nude models.

Are you OK?

Now, where were we?

-I feel sick.

-Sick?

I had a tuna pasta bake and cherry cheese cake and custard at the airport.

and what with all the wine I...

That's looking really good.

You're a bad liar.

Oh? No, it's erm... abstract.

Does it matter? At least you're giving it a go.

-You could at least pretend to be enjoying it.

-I am.

I'm just not the creative type.

I'm not very good at five-a-side football, but I got on with it,

for you.

Mand...

-Please someone. Quickly.

-What've you done?

-I've been working on that for over a month.

-I'm sorry.

-If we can get the water off it.

-It's a watercolour!

Don't, don't. Just leave it. You're making it worse.

-Freya, you're using patches from the quilt.

-I was going to give that to my mum.

-Have you got time to buy her something else?

-Buy her something?

Why do you think I come here? I can't afford to buy presents, I make them.

Look, I'll give you the money.

I don't want your money. I wanted this for my mum.

You OK?

-Go away.

-Debs?

SHE RETCHES

Are you sure you've got enough?

What? My clients like me to look smart.

Breathe confidence - who am I to let them down?

It's got nothing to do with the designer labels?

PHONE RINGS

Duncan.

What?

-Kev, you've got to get back here asap!

-'Why?'

It's Debs. She's not well, mate.

She's in the bathroom puking up and she won't let me in.

I don't know what to do, mate, I don't know what to do.

'OK. This is very important.'

There's a very nasty tummy bug going round.

I need to know whether the sick is smooth or lumpy.

Duncan, get a grip, OK?

'I need to know what I'm dealing with. What's it smell like?'

Duncan?

We need to get back to my place now. Come on!

How is she?

I think I should go home.

You'll do no such thing. Accidents happen.

No, I was clumsy.

I should've taken more care and I had no idea

how much it meant to her.

Fran's just feeling a little fragile. Her mum's not too well.

Mandy's not going to want to bring me again. I've shown her up.

Do you want to come again?

Honestly?

I thought it was going to be awful.

But it's been OK.

-I am really sorry about your painting.

-Forget it, I overreacted.

No, you didn't. I would have done exactly the same.

Red just told me about your mum.

What's wrong with her?

Not being nosy, that's a doctor's habit!

She... she's been down a bit lately.

Nana died a couple of months ago. Mum and her were like that.

She really misses her.

Has she been to see a bereavement counsellor?

Not her kind of thing, but she needs to.

I thought the painting might cheer her up a bit.

It was a lovely idea.

Who's her GP?

Doctor Bond.

He left ages ago. That's at the surgery where I work.

Why don't you persuade her to pop in and see me?

-You can come as well if you want to.

-What will you do?

Just talk,

take it from there.

Thanks.

Pleasure.

Open the window, give her some air.

-What have you done to her?

-Nothing.

She's worse than I thought. Why didn't you call an ambulance?

She had a dodgy lunch, drunk too much wine, hardly an emergency, is it?

Since when did you become a doctor?

She is going to be OK, isn't she?

I don't know. I've got to examine her. Out.

You all right?

-Bit of a sore throat from the pretend vomiting, but otherwise cool.

-Everything OK?

It's a bit touch and go mate, but I'll do what I can. Groan.

SHE RETCHES VIOLENTLY

You'll be all right, Debs, everything's going to be OK.

I'm sorry to be the one to tell you.

-I wouldn't thank you for keeping it from me.

-I didn't know about her.

I believe you. Thank you, Kevin.

I think I knew I was being used, but you kid yourself, don't you?

I really liked him.

Heston?

He's very angry.

I expect he's angry with himself for putting up with the violence.

Must be so embarrassed.

Not quite sure what to do.

-If he wants us, we'll be here for him.

-No, I mean about Marina

-What do you want to do?

-Well, I want her out of here.

But Heston refuses to make an official complaint,

and without that I can't...

Sorry to interrupt.

It's just I've handed in my notice to the PCT.

I think it's all been more of a strain than I ever thought it would.

You know, the NHS changes,

the workload, the hours,

it's really taken its toll on me

and I've decided to go for early retirement.

I see.

It'll be with immediate effect,

-I'll tell the other practices I've been working for, too.

-Good.

You're making some big changes.

Yes.

Was there anything else?

No.

Problem solved.

How is she?

She's er...

She's... I don't know how to tell you this.

What? Just tell me.

-She's...

-Found out what a slimy, two-timing, liar you are.

Debs, just get off me.

Calm down, I can explain, I can explain everything.

No need.

You were having me on.

You two planned all this? Worth it, was it?

Have a good old laugh at my expense?

My expense, actually.

As I was the one you were taking for a ride.

(You're supposed to be my mate.)

-Anyone fancy a cuppa?

-I bet you were in on it.

-On what?

Leave Piers out of this. I'm the one who told Debs, she's the one who wanted to teach you a lesson.

-One you won't forget in a hurry, Dunccy.

-Dunccy?

Shut up. Look, I thought you were dying.

No wonder you were thrown out of medical school.

Thanks for reminding me, mate.

You had it coming, mate.

-Maybe we should all...

-BOTH: Shut up.

So come on then, tell me what you really think of me.

I can handle it, bring it on.

All right. You are either always putting people down

-or taking the mick out of them.

-No, I'm not.

-BOTH: Yes, you are.

Take that doctor I told you about. In a nasty abusive relationship. All you do is take the Michael.

Yeah, well I ask you, how can you call yourself a man,

if you let a woman beat you up?

You need to have more respect, Dunccy.

Ow! A pearl of wisdom from Piers.

That's as rare as Kevin getting his leg over.

That's incorrect.

There's that doctor, Freya. He had sex with her three times in one... night.

You had sex with Freya?

It was just a one night thing, but yeah, I admit it.

And you admit it?

Yeah, what's so funny about that?

Mate, you need your eyes tested.

You'd better get out, Dunccy, before I knock you out!

Shame you didn't punch him. He deserved it.

Second time I've grassed someone up this week. Not a good feeling.

The easy out, is to say nothing.

But what if I only blabbed to save my own neck?

-Not so virtuous is it?

-Depends. Can't be feeling that bad about Dunccy,

so who's the other one?

That doctor Duncan was taking the... out of...

I don't know, I just...

Couldn't stand by and do nothing.

I should've kept my mouth shut. I can't face him, Debs.

OK, say you said nothing, and one day his girlfriend half kills him.

Are you saying you could face him then?

You're not the type to look the other way while someone's being hurt.

I thought you and I were over earlier, the way you were looking at me.

Yeah, well, really means a lot to me, this place.

I wanted my friends to like you, and for you to like them too.

I do.

I was trying to make a good first impression, that's why I made such a pig's ear out of it.

You're telling me.

Anyway, you don't have to come again.

But I want to.

Night.

The women, the banter,

it's been great, apart from the...

Yeah. All right, let's not go there.

I want to see what the quilt looks like when it's finished..

I do!

I get it.

The creativity.

It does draw you in and I know it's in your DNA.

I get it.

Red, would you mind if I wrote about this place in my blog?

I don't see why not.

Ooh! You really have got the bug, haven't you?

-I would be careful what I said if I was you.

-Me?

Going to write about you as well.

Us moving in together, our relationship,

can't wait.

If you two get married, can I make the wedding dress?

-Red!

-Yeah!

-Heston...

-I really can't stop. This needs perfect timing.

Grilled dover sole, pomme puree.

caper lemon butter sauce. Not a plain chop in sight.

Marina has resigned. Says she's taking early retirement.

I was going to have a starter but I don't think I've got the appetite.

Anyway I just thought you'd like to know. She's gone.

If the fish burns, it's going to be a disaster.

Heston?

Heston?

Please...

Go.

-I'm sorry we were so tough on you.

-Save it, Daniel.

Did you see the doctor? There's something wrong with your medication.

-Hello, Heston.

-What are you doing here?

Are you OK?

He's shouting at me.

Sorry who's this?

The walls have gone red.

-What was the final straw?

-This time I wanted to kill her.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd