Best Laid Plans Doctors

MUSIC: Wooly Bully by Sam The Sham And The Pharoahs

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Wooly Bully! Wooly Bully! Wooly Bully!

Wooly Bully! Wooly Bully!

Two cases of Canard-Duchene Vintage Champagne 2004.

No, two. Two cases.

Your manager insisted on doing the food. If I knew it was going to be a problem I would've got caterers.

No! Not the Brut Non Vintage, I want Vintage, understand?

Jack, is there a problem or not?

No, the chef's just running a bit late.

-Is that something I need to worry about?

-No.

-Good. I've got enough to worry about.

-Relax. Everything'll be fine.

I'll relax when I know everything's done.

'At least tell me the karaoke machine's arrived.'

It just got here.

-CRASH

-Hey! Watch out, will you?

-What's happened?

-Nothing.

OK, about the helium balloons... Jack, are you listening to me?

I want each balloon tethered by a length of ribbon

-and weighed down by a packet of Love Hearts.

-What?

-Did you get the instructions in the box with the balloons?

-Fine, I'll sort it.

Your mum wants to speak to you.

Family therapy tonight, don't forget.

-I might be a bit late.

-You can't be late.

Mum, I've got a lot to organise here.

-I don't want to hear excuses. 6.30 sharp.

-What's the point?

Dad's just going to sit there and sulk like last time.

Please, Jack, I'm asking for your help.

We've got to get Immie and your dad talking again

'and I can't do that all by myself.'

All right, I'll be there. But don't be bummed if it doesn't work out.

-Is it here yet?

-I chased it up. It'll get here.

It better do. My costume's useless without it.

-What's this?

-Just fill it in.

-What's it for?

It's vital you answer every question as honestly as you can.

Shh! So ladies, I trust you'll be appropriately suited and booted for tonight's musical extravaganza?

All accessories present and correct. Except for...

-Yep.

-They'll get here, I promise.

What dazzling duo will you two be paying homage to?

-Me and Jimmi are coming as Sonny and Cher.

-Excellent choice!

It's going to be hilarious! You haven't tried your costume on yet. Do you want me to get it for you?

No, because I...

-Paperwork.

-Right.

-It'll fit. I know your measurements.

You do think everyone else'll make the effort, don't you?

They have no choice not to. I gave each and every guest

an extensive list of suggestions, days ago.

Ooh, I can't wait to see everyone! SHE GIGGLES

What are you doing here? I said half six, not four o'clock.

Can we go somewhere and talk?

-I'll have to get someone to cover reception.

-Well, can we...?

-I think we should cancel therapy later.

-Oh, not you as well.

-All it's doing is winding Dad up more.

-Imogen...

If Dad's forgiven me, why do we have to keep going over it?

Because we need to draw a line under it, once and for all.

Will you just let me make it up to him in my own way?

I just want...

I just want him to look at me like he used to.

Sweetheart, that's what I want as well. That's why we're doing this.

Otherwise we're just sweeping it under the carpet.

Fine. Whatever. I'll see you later.

Hey, listen to me. If you don't deal with this now,

it becomes something you can't talk about.

And trust me, nothing worse.

Six thirty, then.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Yeah?

If it isn't my very own Kiki Dee!

-Hmm.

-Are you ready to shame the youngsters with a rousing duet?

I warn you, karaoke brings out my competitive streak.

What do you want, Heston?

Making sure your costume is every bit as humiliating as mine.

Yes, I did the charity run this morning.

Who needs the extra hour in bed, right?

Oh, come on, Julia, where's your sense of fun?

It was great fun trying on musty clothes behind a flimsy curtain(!)

-Yes, you're right. There's nothing remotely amusing about this.

-No, it is not.

-# And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind. #

-All right.

-# Never knowing who to cling to when the rain... #

-I need to work. Go! Shoo!

Can't remember the rest.

-How am I supposed to remember that?

-You're hating this, aren't you?

-It's just this stupid questionnaire.

-Yeah, that's not what I meant.

How am I supposed to be all...?

-It's not really my thing. I feel bad because Cherry's excited.

-I know.

Honestly, I'd be happier if it was just a few close mates.

All of our friends and Cherry's family, can't wait to see everyone!

-I know. Can you believe we've got two coaches heading this way?

-Two? Wow.

Speaking of "wow", it's arrived.

I can't believe of all people you're going as Dolly Parton.

What do you mean?

Come on.

I'll have you know that Dolly Parton is THE feminist icon.

Have you even seen Nine To Five?

Yeah, all I remember is her massive...

Ahem.

CHERRY GIGGLES

-How do I look, sugar?

-Perfect.

Hey, what's wrong?

Nothing. I want everything to be perfect.

Especially for Jimmi.

-You think it was a mistake?

-Of course not.

I'm just scared that I bullied him into it.

-What d'you mean you're still at work?!

-I'm having a nightmare.

I don't care. There's other staff can deal with it.

There's one other bloke here. I've been on my own.

'Cherry's been phoning me every five minutes.'

-You made me a promise, Jack Hollins.

-I told you this was pointless.

'What can I do? I can't be in two places at once!'

Your sister needs you. Please don't let her down.

-I'll be there as soon as I can.

-Thank you.

-I thought your dad was driving you in.

-He did.

-Well, where is he?

-Tell me about it, stud.

-OK, I suggest we skip the party and go straight home.

Cos I want to peel that from you like a...

Banana?

-OK, that's killed it. Are you ready?

-Yeah.

No, now I need to pee. Great, it's taken me half an hour to put this stupid thing on.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello? Speaking.

Come on, Jimmi, we all look stupid.

LAUGHTER

What size are these? There's no label.

They're definitely your size.

Really? They're giving me a wedgie right now.

Very funny. Ha-ha(!) Shall we just go?

PHONE RINGS Hi, Dad. You on your way?

Gridlock? What do you mean?

Yeah, I know what the word means, but what do you mean?

Oh, have a great time tonight.

Thanks, you too.

Can't you get off the motorway?

Right then, let's get this over with.

-Where's Jack?

-He's been held up at work.

Oh, you're kidding me. After your big speech about us all having to be here.

-He's on his way.

-We could always get started without him.

Oh, no, no. No, this is family therapy.

We couldn't possibly start the healing process

until we're all here, isn't that right?

So I suggest we just sit and wait for him.

I'm so sorry, Elaine.

Not a problem.

-Good turn out.

-Don't.

Bad day for Mrs Tembe to go home with a migraine, eh?

They're still stuck on the M6.

Dad says they've only moved a couple of inches in the last hour.

-Did he say what the problem is?

-An RTA near Birmingham. Thank you!

-Thanks for ruining my party!

-Come on.

Some idiot ploughed into the back of a doughnut van,

this plastic doughnut flew off onto oncoming traffic.

There's a tailback for miles.

I'm sure it's going to be fine and I'm sure everyone'll be here. It's going to be great.

Yellow! Why are the balloons yellow? I ordered pink! I hate yellow!

Cherry, can I have a word?

You know the cupcakes that you asked me to pick up for you?

-Yeah, what's happened?

-Nothing.

They just all kind of say...

..kind of say "Jimmi and Jerry" on them.

-No!

-I'm sorry. I didn't think to look.

-Dude, what's she going to be like at the wedding?

-Dude, you got beer coming out your nose.

-This engagement picture, I look like a man!

-Oops, Jerry's not happy.

OK, so there's a bit of a delay on the food.

What sort of delay?

-Another hour.

-What?!

-Or so.

-Jack!

-The cocktail guy's been in a bit of a car accident.

-Flying doughnut?

-Yeah, he says it came out of nowhere.

-Is he OK?

Yeah, he's got bit of whiplash, he's a bit shaken up.

Shaken not stirred.

Er, hello?! This is a complete disaster!

Jack, at least tell me you know how to make pink cocktails?

-I do. But I'm really sorry, I've got to go.

-Jack!

Is now a good time to tell her about Mrs Tembe?

All but one embryo perished.

Are you sure that's what Dr Baxter said?

It's hopeless.

-Not necessarily.

-Come on, Daniel, we both know what Class C means.

-They wouldn't ask...

-It means substandard.

They wouldn't have asked you to come in for a transfer if they didn't think it was worth it.

We both know this was a long shot. And when, if it's time to call it a day, then we will.

But there's still a chance.

What time does the clinic shut?

They said they'd keep it open for us. But we've got to go now.

Drive.

I said to the imbecile at the off licence,

I wanted vintage, not this swill that barely passes for...

Er...it's quite refreshing.

It has a nice bouquet and you could mix it with anything.

And think of the money you've saved.

-Less than half the price.

-PHONE RINGS

-And less than half as good.

-Hello?

-Less than half as good? Heston!

-Right, OK. OK. Bye.

What? What happened?

Daniel and Zara have got a flat tyre, which means that they're going to be late.

-It's supposed to be perfect and everything's ruined!

-It's not ruined.

-No.

-How can you say that? There's nobody here.

The barman doesn't even know how to make pink cocktails!

Cherry. Cherry, I know how to make pink cocktails. Watch.

Here we go. (How do you make pink cocktails?) I'm on it. OK...

I'd stay there if I were you.

-Right, you need raspberry vodka.

-Raspberry vodka. Raspberry vodka.

-Gotcha. Got it.

-OK, cranberry juice.

-Cranberry juice.

Er, it's in the fridge behind you.

-Got you.

-And peach schnapps.

-Cranberry juice!

Peach schnapps, peach schnapps, peach schnapps...

-There you go.

-Thank you.

Now, who's the geek?

Yep, still you.

MUSIC: The Hippy Hippy Shake by The Beatles

Sorry. I'm really sorry. You wouldn't believe it.

The chef got held up and then the cocktail guy didn't turn up at all and...

..the balloons.

Anyway, I'm really sorry I'm late.

Not at all. Glad you could make it. Right, we can make a start. If you'd like to follow me?

Hello, I'm Daniel Granger and this is my partner Zara Carmichael.

-I have an appointment with Dr Baxter.

-Yep.

OK, we'll wait over here. Yep.

They'd better bring some food out soon, everyone's getting trollied.

I can cut my head off, you know.

-Leave you alone with my two bald friends?

-What?

Excuse me. Coming through, thank you!

-SHE TAPS MICROPHONE

-Guys, hi.

Just want to say a few words, actually.

It's made me really happy to see

that Jimmi and Cherry have found each other.

I know that it's no secret, everybody knows

that I've been very protective towards Jimmi, always have.

He's like another son to me.

And I'm sure that over the years,

he hasn't really wanted me to fuss over him and tidy up after him

and organise his life and just behave like a demented mother hen.

LAUGHTER

Which is why it makes me very happy to see you two together.

Cos that means that someone else can worry about him

like a demented mother hen. I can have a break.

Seriously though, I think it's obvious to all of us

that you two were made for each other.

And I know you're going to spend the rest of your lives

making each other very, very happy. So...

to Jimmi and "Jerry".

ALL: Jimmi and Jerry! Awwww.

Thank you very much, Julia.

I think it's time for a game of Mr and Mrs!

What's that?

Oh, I love this game!

Before we came out this evening,

I asked Jimmi to fill in this little questionnaire.

Heston, hang on a minute.

Before I read out the answers, I'm going to ask Cherry

to try and answer each question correctly in turn.

So, if the lovely Cherry would like to come up to the stage by the microphone?

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

Right, question number one! "Describe the first time you met".

OK, well, the first time I saw Jimmi was at The Mill in the staff room.

And he was stood talking to... Daniel's not here yet, is he?

-No.

-Good, cos I remember thinking if I had to chose one of them,

it would definitely be Jimmi.

-And you wrestled him to the floor there and then.

-No!

I just remember thinking if I had to choose one of them, then it would be Jimmi.

It must have been his kind eyes,

and the fact that he didn't think he was anything special,

and he is special. ALL: Aaah!

Aaah. Isn't that a romantic answer, ladies and gentlemen?

So, let's see what Jimmi put for the same question.

"At work. Thought she looked fit."

LAUGHTER

Question number two.

You OK?

Yeah.

No.

What if this is a mistake?

What if this is a sign that I'm not meant to be a mother?

-I mean, look at me.

-Zara.

I'm selfish. I'm spoilt.

Take this, for example.

I have been told that really, I shouldn't have children.

But I've stamped my little foot and I've said "But I want them,

"I want them".

It's not like that. You're not like that.

Aren't I?

What if this is just...

..another kind of ambition?

There's more than one side to you. Not everybody sees it, but I have.

You're kind and you're loyal and you're loving.

And if this baby comes to us,

that is what they'll see, every day.

-I'm afraid of how much I want it.

-I know.

Zara Carmichael?

Well, I don't know about you, ladies and gentlemen,

but I was profoundly moved by Cherry's account

of their most romantic time together. Brought a tear to the eye.

And to end the evening, I'd like to read an account,

a very different account, from Jimmi, entitled

"That time we did it on the beach."

CHEERING

I know he failed miserably with his romantic prowess.

But I think every man deserves a chance to redeem himself.

Yes, go on! CHEERING

We couldn't do this properly the first time, so...

-..Cherry Malone, will you marry me?

-SQUEALING AND CHEERING

Yes! LAUGHTER

-I love you so much.

-I love you.

ALL: Aaaah!

-Yeah, go on.

-CHEERING

-It's a pink diamond!

-Of course it is!

# Don't go breaking my heart

# I couldn't if I tried

# Ah, honey, when I get restless

# Baby, you're not that kind

LAUGHTER

# Don't go breaking my heart

# You take the weight off of me

# Oh, honey, when you knock on my door

# I'll give you my key

AUDIENCE: Wooo!

# Ooh hoo

-ALL: # Nobody knows it

-Nobody knows it... #

We've talked about Imogen's feelings of isolation within the family,

and Karen's obvious concerns about this.

Jack, you've been very vocal

about how you want everybody to forgive each other and move on.

The only person we haven't heard from is you, Rob.

Is there anything you'd like to contribute?

When I've got something to say, I'll say it.

-Imogen, how's the community service going?

-Fine.

-It must be nearly done now. How do you feel about that?

-Fine, I said fine.

Is something wrong?

No. I just don't see why I should sit here and talk

when he's going to sit there and say nothing.

BOTH: # I got you, babe I got you, babe

# I got you, babe I got you, babe

# I got you, babe. #

-Whoa, not sure I'm ready for this.

-Let's just have a drink, OK?

-How you feeling?

-Stop asking me that.

Ah! Daniel and Zara are here! CHEERING

-Look at my ring!

-Oh, wow!

-It's lovely.

-You do know that you've got to sing!

-No-no. No, no, no!

Come on! DJ, hit it!

You really don't have to do this.

Tell me about it. Tell me about it, stud.

# I got chills They're multiplying

# And I'm losing control

# Cos the power You're supplying

# It's electrifying

# You better shape up Cos I need a man

# And my heart is set on you

# You better shape up You better understand

# To my heart I must be true

# Nothing left for me to do

BOTH # You're the one that I want The one that I want

# Ooh-ooh-ooh, honey

# The one that I want The one that I want

# Ooh-ooh-ooh, honey

# The one that I want The one that I want

# Ooh-ooh-ooh

# The one I need Oh, yes, indeed

# If you're filled with affection

# You're too shy to convey... #

I was wondering what the word kleptomania meant to any of you?

It's when people get the urge to steal, isn't it?

It's an impulse control disorder. Usually with a lack of an economic motive.

So it's like, you don't have to,

-but something you can't control makes you do it.

-Exactly.

I read an article once about when Winona Ryder got caught shoplifting.

Apparently she was going through lots of emotional stuff at the time.

That's why the judge let her off.

So that maybe that explains why Immie got into trouble.

It did sort of feel like an out of body experience.

Like I was watching myself do it, but I couldn't stop.

Even Ryan said it was an addiction.

That's enough. That is it!

An addiction? I've never heard so much...rubbish in all my life!

Despite the fact that none of my family turned up,

and pretty much everything went wrong...

tonight has still been perfect.

-Maybe there's a lesson in that.

-What do you mean?

Well, maybe we don't need all the fireworks

and all the bells and whistles to have a good time.

-You mean for the wedding?

-Mmm.

-Oh, no, no, no!

If I've learned one thing from tonight,

it's that nothing can go wrong, and I mean absolutely nothing.

So, from now on we're in planning mode, it's all hands on deck.

There's always a convenient label for everything these days.

No-one holds their hands up any more and says "Oh, sorry,

"I behaved badly, I'm a selfish prat."

What they say now is, they say,

"It's not my fault that I beat my wife to a pulp, I'm an alcoholic."

-Rob...

-"It's not my fault that I embezzled thousands of pounds

"from hard working families, I've got a personality disorder."

Imogen's not a klepto-bloody-maniac.

She's a spoilt brat.

Do you think you might be allowing your experiences from work to cloud your judgement?

Don't you patronise me. There's nothing wrong with my judgement.

Just cos I don't agree with how you're making excuses for her.

What she needs is a swift kick up the backside for all the lies,

for all the cheating, for all the stealing.

You've had everything in life handed to you on a plate -

a family that loved you, a good home, a good education.

And the first time you hit a bad patch,

you think it's acceptable to go out there

and do exactly what you want. Well, you know what?

It's just not good enough!

Dad...

Perhaps we all need to take time to calm down.

Don't tell me to calm down!

DOOR SLAMS

Chloe, look, please.

You did right to leave her. So what we going to do now?

-I don't know.

-Well, think!

Jack, I need to talk to you. Meet me at the Icon in ten minutes, OK?

Right, let's get Max.

Are you listening? I'm not going with you. I'd rather go to prison.

Babe...he needs nappies, and we need stuff.

Don't be mad. I'm going through a really difficult time.

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