Evidence of Things Not Seen Doctors

Left.

It's perfectly fair where it is.

I said left.

I'll lose all the sunshine.

We agreed I would get more of the lawn.

You never garden, anyway.

I could start.

After 40 years? Don't make me laugh!

I'm paying this chap, you know.

-Carry on.

-A bit more to the left.

Can't we at least talk about this?

I'm done with talking.

-Now, either he moves it to the left...

-Not the garden.

Us.

This isn't like you, Mo.

You were always a reasonable woman.

More fool me.

And it's Maureen, if you don't mind.

You seriously want me to call you Maureen?

-I want you to call me "your ex-wife" but I'll settle for...

-I still think you're over-reacting.

Why do you never listen to me?

And are you watching your sugar intake? Are you, buffalo!

-What's that got to do with...?

-Excuse me.

-What the hell?

-Oh, my... Oh!

# And the whole world is on your case

# I could offer you a warm embrace

# To make you feel my love

# When the evening shadows and the stars appear... #

What are you doing?

-Working. Why? What are you doing?

-Having a heart attack.

-Sorry, didn't mean to make you jump.

-Just the shock of your beauty when I wasn't expecting it.

Control yourself or there'll be no lunches like yesterday.

It was nice, wasn't it?

What's that?

-It's a bag.

-What's in it?

-A sandwich.

-Scared I'm going to steal it?

-It's a special type of sandwich.

-What's in it?

Sandwichy type things.

-Like?

-Sausage, bacon, beans...

Beans? In a sandwich?

That's the way I roll. Better get on. Where am I?

Daniel's room.

-Who is it?

-You forgot your notes.

Er, OK. Er, one second.

Thanks.

-What's going on in there?

-Nothing.

What's with you, today?

Just the powerful effect you have on me.

Better try to control yourself.

Don't want to embarrass the patients.

I'll do my best.

Oh, you little wonder!

-Morning, Lauren.

-Oh, morning, Dr Carter.

-How are you today?

-Full of the joys. Is there a problem with the door?

No, no. I'd better get back.

Jolly good.

I'm here to see the Marstons. I'm their GP. Is there...?

Oh, yeah, there was a small discovery in the back garden.

I think they've taken a bit of a turn.

-But there's nothing to be excited about.

-I'm not excited about the discovery.

-I'm just, erm, just, life.

-That's good, that's good.

-I'd better...

-OK. Yeah, yeah, me too.

After you.

No, you go ahead, please.

It wasn't just some poor soul's skull, they found lots of bones.

-That's why the police called in that handsome devil.

-Maureen!

You were thinking it just as much as me.

And it was seeing the bones that brought on the angina attack?

It was nothing.

-Are you keeping up with your medication? Watching your diet?

-Of course.

Any undue stress in your life at the moment? How's Bill?

You'd better ask him.

We don't see much of each other any more.

Why? Has he moved out?

We separated, yes.

What?

-When?

-A couple of weeks ago.

-What happened?

-Every relationship runs its course.

Maureen, seriously, what on earth's going on?

-Aren't you coming up to a big anniversary?

-Ruby, in a couple of months.

So, why now, all of a sudden?

I can't stand the sight of him any more!

-Right.

-Two weeks ago, he left the toilet seat up.

I've been asking him not to do that for a lifetime.

Something inside me just snapped.

-I see.

-And he won't let me have another cat.

So, I asked him for a divorce the same day.

So, he hadn't really done anything.

Are you married?

No, I live on my own, at the moment.

Lucky you. Believe me, there's nothing more irritating than someone who leaves the toilet seat up.

So, if I want to look at that handsome chap in the garden,

I'm free to do so.

Well, there must be some mistake on the call sheet cos I was down to see both of you.

Oh, he still lives here. He wouldn't leave. Neither would I.

This has been my home for 40 years.

Right, well, I'll pop back in a minute with a prescription.

We're splitting the house down the middle.

He gets the east and I get the west

so I have the sunny side of the garden.

You better go outside and round.

-How's the diet going?

-Fine, yes. No problem.

What about these?

For visitors. I never touch them.

Really? Because this is through the roof.

You're going to have to control your diet better, Bill.

-We've talked about this.

-Oh, what's the point?

It's not as if I'm trying to stay trim for anyone these days, is it?

Maureen told me. I can't believe it.

That makes two of us.

She walked into the kitchen, sat down at the table

and said she wanted a divorce.

I nearly choked on my bourbon.

-Just the one.

-You must have done something other than leave the toilet seat up.

I did my best to be a "new man" for her.

Helping with the cooking and cleaning, you know.

I even let her have her blessed cats every so often,

even though I'm totally allergic to them.

Fat lot of good it did me.

I'm really sorry for what's happened, Bill.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

But you're going to have to take better care of your diet.

You simply can't eat so much sugar.

I'll try, doc. Really, I will.

But without her, it all seems a waste of time.

KEVIN: That's it, that's it. Come on, oh!

Come on, get in.

That's it, yeah.

HE GROANS

Oh, come on.

HE GROANS

He really misses you.

Does he? Well, I don't miss him.

Surely after all these years you still have feelings for him?

Course I do, but I've decided -

I'm free and single, now. Like you.

What if he promised to change?

How's he doing with his sugar problem?

You know I can't tell you - confidentiality.

I've seen the biscuits, you don't need to.

Maureen, I have to tell you, as your doctor, all this stress...

That'll serve him right, if I end up dead.

This used to be a house of love, that's what we called it.

But not any more.

He lets me have another cat and I might consider it.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

Dr Carter, I'm sorry to bother you.

Not at all, my dear. Bother away.

It's a bit embarrassing, actually.

Is it? Well, maybe Elaine or Julia...

-No, no, no, I'm sure you're the right man for the job.

-OK dokey.

-Now, I'm not one to snitch on colleagues.

-Of course you're not.

I just... I know he's in a trial period

and I'm just worried he's heading for trouble.

-Oh, you mean Kevin?

-He's been rushing through patients all morning,

getting in and out well under time.

Then, he's dashing back to his room and locking himself in.

-Is he?

-Yes. Now, this is where it gets embarrassing.

I've seen and heard everything, believe me.

No, it's quite difficult for me to say.

He is enjoying his private time.

Well, I should hope so...

No, I mean, he's REALLY been enjoying his private time.

You've lost me, I'm afraid.

He's been taking pleasure in his time alone.

-No.

-He's been taking himself in hand.

Oh, has he?

-Yes!

-Did you see?

-No, no, no.

-Well, then, how did you...?

Please, Dr Carter, I'm a woman. We know these things.

-Yes, of course you do.

-So, can I leave this with you?

-Well, I don't see how...

-Thanks. I knew you were the right person for the job.

SHE SCREAMS

-Hello?

-Oh, sorry, just needed to... You know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I love my job so much.

The people I work with can't talk back.

Pretty extreme choice, isn't it? Stubborn people or dead people?

Well, you know, all my clients,

they're very quiet and they always do everything I want.

Fair point. How's it going?

I think I've got to the bottom of the thing - excuse the pun. Do you want to have a look?

Oh, I'm not sure. Wouldn't I compromise the crime scene?

Er, no, no, I suspect the guilty party in this case

is well beyond the clutches of the law. Here.

I don't know, I've got lots of patients.

All right, I understand.

OK, OK. You've got to promise me they won't talk back, though.

No, no, no. Quiet as the grave.

OK, mind how you go.

Congratulations. A new patient speed record.

I do try to keep pushing the envelope.

Is that what you're doing behind closed doors?

I really couldn't say.

You've got 10 minutes before your next patient.

-Use them wisely.

-Oh, I will.

-Do you want to join me?

-No.

See?

Hardly the smoking gun, is it?

"Pushing the envelope"? You should have heard the noises coming out of his room.

Leave it with me.

So, it's two bodies - one male, one female,

both around the same age, probably mid-40s,

and both died of severe head wounds,

probably caused by the same blunt instrument.

A double murder?

Certainly looks that way.

So, how come this place isn't crawling with police?

Because these two probably died around... Oh, I don't know, 950 AD.

This is actually an archaeological find, not a crime scene.

I'm going to hand it over to the historical boys

but I couldn't help having a bit more of a sniff around.

-Professional curiosity, and all that.

-Fascinating.

-Isn't it?

-I better be going.

-OK.

My name's Elaine, by the way. Dr Elaine Cassidy.

Nice to meet you. Dr Harrison Kellor.

SHE LAUGHS

-What?

-I bet you get this all the time but,

where do you keep your fedora and your bullwhip?

I'm sorry?

You know, "I'm working in archaeology and my name's Harrison."

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, never mind. Nice to meet you.

OK, nice to meet you. I'm going to need my hand back at some point.

Sorry.

-So, good luck with your stubborn patients.

-Oh, thanks. I'll need it.

You know, they're splitting up after 40 years of marriage.

Divorce is notoriously bad for the health.

-So they say.

-All you've got to do is convince them to stay together.

-He's showing another one out.

-Act natural.

Kevin, can I tempt you with something restorative?

-I'm fine, thanks.

-Kettle's just boiled.

All work and no play.

-Er, yeah, OK. Tea, thanks.

-Problem?

-It's just a bit sore, that's all.

-What's brought that on?

No idea.

-Lauren, didn't I hear someone come into reception?

-No.

Well, why don't you go and check?

-There we are.

-Cheers.

-Alone at last.

-Yeah.

-Kevin?

-I've been meaning to have a chat with you for some time.

-Oh, really?

No, nothing like that.

It's just, there are certain things

that can only be discussed between men?

-Well, yeah. Yeah, I suppose so.

-Certain things

that would be frowned upon if they were aired in public.

-Uh-huh.

-Now, I think we both know

that men have very different needs to women.

-Right.

-And it's important that those needs are met.

-Is it?

-It is.

And as a man, I understand your needs.

-You do?

-I do.

But we shouldn't try and satisfy those needs at work, however tempting.

No, no, absolutely not!

They must be saved for the privacy of our homes,

or wherever else feels safe to us.

I think we understand one another.

Yeah.

Let's just keep this between ourselves.

Never a true word spoken in jest. They love each other.

They always have done. Been together for 40 years.

Now they're apart, neither of them are looking after themselves.

So...

-You think by getting them back together, their health with improve?

-Exactly.

How are you going to do that?

I was hoping you'd have some ideas.

Er, no. Cupid's not really my thing.

Yeah, nor mine. There must be something.

You know, they call this "the house of love".

Yeah, not any more.

Maybe if you told them you'd uncovered

some archaeological evidence to prove the house had a romantic past.

OK, let me stop you there.

Forensic archaeology is all about the search for facts, not truth.

There were never any maps leading us to buried treasure

and X never, ever marks the spot.

What?

-You've really never seen the films?

-What films?

Never mind.

If they've decided to split up after 40 years,

they must have their reasons.

Apparently he left the toilet seat up.

What? What is it with women and toilet seats?

We leave them up. You leave them down.

I mean, get over it.

Anyway, what possible evidence could I uncover that would prove...?

There's a man and a woman buried together in the garden.

Surely that must mean something?

It probably means the man was killed for a crime against his overlord

and his wife, who was deemed as his property, was killed as his punishment.

Hardly the greatest love story ever told.

You admit they're probably married.

She probably wants to be buried with him. In his arms.

What's this really about?

Why do you care so much?

They're my patients.

You make sure they take their pills. Everything else is their business.

But 40 years! To throw it away for something as trivial as a toilet seat?

And for what? Spend the rest of their lives desperately lonely,

looking for someone else?

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, I've got to go.

Listen, I'm sorry I can't help.

-It's OK.

-I'll go in and tell them there's nothing to worry about.

I'd appreciate that. It was nice meeting you.

Yeah. You, too.

-Dr Kellor.

-Harrison, please.

-What's this for?

-In case you change your mind.

Oh, Lauren. Just to let you know - I had a quick word with Kevin

-and I don't think there'll be any more licking the envelope.

-Pushing.

He won't be playing in the stationery cupboard in future.

-What did you say?

-A simple man-to-man chat.

-Must have been really simple.

-Meaning?

I just passed his room and judging from the sounds coming from it,

he's still sharpening his pencil.

-Really?

-Perhaps you weren't clear enough.

I don't know how I could have been any clearer...

I'd appreciate it if you tried again.

It's ever so kind of you to come and reassure me.

It's lovely to have a man about the house again.

I thought your husband was still here.

My soon-to-be ex-husband is still in residence, yes,

but you're welcome anytime you like for tea or...

-You're very forward, Maureen.

-You get nothing if you don't ask,

and I've got 40 years to catch up on.

Forgive me for saying this, but...

..you don't seem that sad about your marriage.

Of course I am.

We've been together since we were kids.

Are you sure you're doing the right thing?

All I know is that this used to be a house of love,

and something's changed.

Maybe it's me, maybe it's Bill.

I need to feel the old magic again. And if not with him, then...

Are you sure I can't get you anything? Tea? Coffee? Me?

That's a kind offer but I have to go. I'll have a chat to your husband.

Soon-to-be ex-husband.

Right, my little baby.

Let's have another spin, shall we?

HE GROANS

HE GROANS

Oh, that's it.

-Kevin?

-Huh?

-It's Dr Carter.

-I'm behind the curtain.

-What the hell?!

I'm going to come out, now. I hope you're decent.

-What are you doing?

-What are YOU doing?

I'm working out. Look, I'm straight, Dr Carter.

-What?

-Look, I think you're a very lovely man

and I understand that you've got needs.

-No! You don't understand.

-Are you sure? I thought...

Yes, I know what you thought. What do you mean "working out"?

-What is that thing?

-It's a gyroball.

I haven't had a chance to go to the gym cos we're working so much.

So, I brought this in. Look, you pull it back and you spin it.

You've been rushing through patients so you can play with your ball.

-I wouldn't call it rushing.

-Kevin, this really won't do.

Being a GP is a serious responsibility.

You must put your patient's concerns

before your own wellbeing, including muscle tone.

I want you to give me that ball. I'll give it back to you at the end of the day.

Until then, your focus is your patients.

-Understand?

-Of course.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Hi, this is Dr Cynic calling.

Oh, hello. What can I do for you?

Well, my initial assessment of the site was wrong.

Yes, these bodies are over 1,000 years old,

and yes, they are male and female...

..but they weren't murdered.

-Really?

-Yeah, these two were almost certainly married,

they almost certainly died of natural causes.

But what I can say for certain, is that they were...

They were buried in each other's arms.

-Really?

-Really.

Oh, that's nice, eh, Mo?

Bit gruesome, if you ask me.

-So, what does that mean in terms of the history of the house?

-Right, OK. Yes, well, er...

This is just my opinion, of course, others may choose to question it.

In fact, I'm certain they will.

But what it says to me is that this place has always been somewhere

where love has flourished.

You know, this is... It could be called a house of love.

We always said that's what it was.

And it always has been. Oh, Mo, please come back.

I'll do whatever you want.

-I don't know.

-We can't let anything come between us like this.

We love each other.

Always have done, always will do.

I want to be buried in your arms, Maureen.

Oh, Bill. Can I have another cat?

-Yes, of course you can, love.

-Oh!

-I've been so silly.

-So have I.

Why don't you both go back and put the kettle on

and take that board down?

You're right, doctor. Thank you.

Come on, you. Things have still got to change, you know.

I don't know what to say.

-I think a "thank you" would be appropriate.

-Is any of that true?

No, not a word.

Maybe you're not so cynical as I thought.

Well, do you know what? After some of the things I've seen over the years,

it'd take more than a fairy story about eternal love to melt my heart.

Like what, exactly?

I don't know.

Got any suggestions?

So, there's nothing in this garden you haven't seen before.

Oh, I wouldn't say that. Apart from the bodies,

there's an unusually large amount of animal skeletons,

-which are a lot younger - less than 40 years old.

-What kind of animals?

Cats.

Tiddles? Pinky? Tom?

All in the garden?

I'm afraid it looks that way, yeah.

I knew they couldn't all have run away.

But, I don't understand - how did they get under the lawn?

It's a mystery.

Maybe when I was laying the turf,

they curled up and died?

What? All of them?

I don't know, do I? Why are you looking at me? It's not my fault.

There was I thinking you were a decent man all these years,

and all the while, you've been bumping off my cats!

-How could you?!

-But...

I can't stand the damn things!

Filthy, flea-ridden, little beasts,

bringing me out in rashes and ruining my azaleas.

I want a divorce. Again.

Only this time, I want everything.

The house, the garden, the car. And I want you out. Right now.

-But where will I go?

-I really don't care.

I'll fight you. I paid for this house.

-I'd like to see you try.

-Mo, please.

-It's Maureen.

And you can speak to me through my solicitor.

Now, get out of my house, cat killer.

He seemed such a nice man, too.

-Right, last patient done. I'm off to the gym.

-Kevin.

-Yeah?

I'm surprised you've got any energy left after what you've been up to.

I know you find it difficult to control yourself around me. I understand, I do.

But, really, this morning, it was too much.

What was? What are you on about?

I passed your room several times this morning while you've been alone.

I've heard it all - the moans, the groans.

It's disgusting.

-You thought I was...

-Don't say it.

Did you say something to...?

Twice a day for the next six weeks and then pop back and see me, OK?

-Next?

-Not arrived yet.

-Splendid.

It's not like Dr Carter to be rushing through patients.

-Oh, what's he up to, eh?

-Certainly not what you've been doing.

-You think so?

-What are you doing? Excuse me!

Let go of my arm, you pervert.

DR CARTER: Yes! Yes!

Now, who's the pervert? Must be the effect you have on people.

There we are. That's it.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, that's good.

Oh, dear.

-It was fun.

-I think it's very sad.

-Anyway, thanks for your help.

-Pleasure.

Maybe our paths will cross again sometime, yeah?

Oh, not very likely. We hardly work in similar fields.

That's true. You're a GP...

..and I'm Indiana Jones.

THEY LAUGH

I'll see you around, yeah?

-How was the film, love?

-Rubbish.

Well, it was all right until the helicopters,

then it was all talk and a bunch of hippy nonsense.

Rob, no!

Tell me about your biggest childhood memories.

Why bring that up?

-What's funny?

-You. You soft git.

Get up.

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