The Collectors Doctors

Can't one of the others do it?

Well, she's a liability.

Of course I've talked to her. She keeps messing with the radio.

I resent having to babysit some know-nothing

Girl Guide who's never even...

MUSIC: "Dancing Queen" by Abba

Fine, but if she loses me my bonus she's walking home.

# You are the dancing queen... #

Everything OK, Mr Harris?

It's just Harris, OK? No "mister".

I've been doing this job twenty years.

Going on a course is no substitute for experience.

You keep your head down and your gob shut.

And we won't have a problem, capiche? Si.

I mean...

..yeah.

ENGINE ROARS

There's a funny little man under my desk.

Make sure you feed him. Anything else is just cruel.

And my patients are going to find it funny too, being kept waiting?

Easy, tiger. He's only going to be a few minutes,

and he'll have to do mine next. Has Zara been in touch?

More photo's of Joe. He's standing.

That's great, isn't it?

Yeah.

Make mine a large one.

-What's up?

-I'm calling my ex today.

I wish you'd tell me what the big deal is.

You and Aran were inseparable at uni.

Well, whatever it is you've done, I'm sure he wouldn't want you

living with cockroaches or doing sex chat lines for a living.

Never mind. Who's next?

We're not done yet.

We're not going to break in?

Course not. That would be illegal.

But if someone has been careless... We have the right to peaceful entry.

It's about your size.

Unless you want to lift me?

See, you've proved useful after all.

Argh! My back! Argh!

Mr Pixel, how long will you be doing whatever you are doing?

Is that five hours, five minutes...?

I need to see a doctor.

Have you made an appointment?

No. Sorry, I didn't plan on being in agony.

Then you will need to take a seat.

I'm not sitting with all that...argh!

Maybe it won't be as long as you think.

Ah. Mrs Tembe.

Wonderful, you have finished.

That is a very distinctive badge you are wearing.

Oh. You want to hear it?

-# Happy birthday to you... #

-Very tasteful.

-Look what you did, you clumsy idiot.

-Dr Granger!

What kind of incompetent moron are you? Blundering around smashing up

-people's personal property?

-I'm sorry, doctor. I...

Dr Granger, have you proof of these allegations?

No-one else has been in there.

What about the cleaner? Or Mr Bellamy?

I think you should get your facts straight before you start

accusing somebody. Especially on their birthday...

-DOOR SLAMS

-I am so sorry.

Come on, Jas. How hard can it be?

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in.

Can I borrow you? There are some personal details missing off

-staff registration forms.

-Sure.

-How's it all going?

-All going to plan.

Mr Darcus?

So why did you become a bailiff?

Why not?

I so know what you mean.

Everyone else from uni went off to become social workers or

teachers, but when I read about this,

I thought, "There's a career where I could really make a difference."

These are real people with real problems. Without us they would

keep spending money.

We're like a wake-up call - sometimes literally.

Could you...stop talking?

It's making my headache worse.

I thought it was your back?

It moved.

Mrs Jurksaitis?

Do you want to hear it again?

-# Happy birthday to you... #

-Right, next one!

Do you think we should buy Mr Pixel a birthday cake?

Who?

Mr Pixel is installing the new phones with the intercom feature.

Doctors will no longer have to walk to reception to

fetch their patients.

I often learn more in that little walk than in the entire

consultation itself.

Don't we have better things to spend our money on?

The intercoms add value.

This way doctors get to spend more time with their patients.

We should have done it ages ago.

Actually we should have video phones in our rooms by now,

and a computerised check-in.

That all sounds very complicated to me.

It's all right, Mrs Tembe.

With a computerised system we won't need you anymore, so...

-What seems to be the problem?

-Are you kidding?

Are you experiencing back pain?

Are you actually a doctor?

OK, if you'd like to stand up, I'll have a look.

Argh.

Can you lean forward and touch your toes?

I need to assess your mobility.

-Are you on any medication?

-No.

OK, take a seat.

Seems to be muscular. I can prescribe you some painkillers, but

the best thing you can do is rest up, don't do anything strenuous.

No chance, I've got doors to bang on.

You're a delivery man?

No, I'm the fella who takes it all away again.

Right...well, no-one will particularly mind

if you take a couple of days off.

People have got deadlines they need to meet.

I can't have them thinking I'm going soft.

There's no chance of that.

Painkillers?

Seriously. Stay home. Make some people happy.

-Hello, is Aran there, please?

-He doesn't live here anymore.

-He doesn't?

-No. Sorry.

-When did he move out?

-About a month ago.

-Do you have an address?

-No, I don't.

-Oh.

OK.

-So what are you saving up for?

-What?

You're worried about not getting your bonus.

I'm not worried. I never worry.

Do you have any idea how much money I've got in the bank?

Well, no.

I'm not like these idiots.

I don't blow it on flash trainers or an expensive car I can't afford.

Maybe you could get something for your wife?

Or girlfriend?

Brothers and sisters maybe?

-I was thinking maybe I could do this one?

-I don't think so.

I came top of my class in role-play.

Don't mess it up.

-Hi.

-Robert Gartside?

-That depends.

Does it?

Whether you're looking for me or my son? We have the same name.

Er...

..which one of you owes us money?

Perhaps we could talk about this inside?

Of course. Come in.

Would you like a cup of tea?

-Yes, please.

-No.

No, thank you.

Do you mind if we ask a few questions?

-No telly?

-Never watch it.

Stereo?

I have a wireless but it's very old.

Washing machine? Microwave?

-Toaster?

-I don't need much.

My son took them for his new flat.

So where is this son of yours?

He visits all the time. When he can get away.

The thing is, my list says there is a Robert Gartside

at this address, who owes money.

Now either you're spinning me a yarn about an imaginary son

or little Robbie's been a very naughty boy

and left Daddy in the lurch.

I don't know what you mean.

Either way...I don't care.

The debt needs to be paid.

How much?

Twelve grand.

I haven't got that much.

What have you got?

That's a nice-looking train set.

Thank you.

I've been collecting since I was a boy.

I don't have as many as I used to, because...

But this one is my favourite.

They don't make them like this anymore.

I tell you what, Mr Gartside, I will have that cup of tea.

-Jen?

-Er...

-She'll have the same.

Right.

Give us a hand with this.

What about his son? Shouldn't we be looking for him?

Right name, right address. We're in a hurry. Giddy-up.

-No.

-No? What do you mean, no?!

Oh, for...

-Hello?

-Daisy, it's Jas.

Jas! It's been a while!

I know, break-ups. Who takes custody of the friends?

But we haven't heard from Aran either.

Really?

-No, not for months. Not since he moved out of the flat.

-Right.

You can't get taken in by every sob story.

If you want to be a bailiff you want to be tougher than that,

-and a lot more clever.

-How?

It's no good asking nicely to come in.

There are tricks you can use.

If they say no, you say, "Fair enough, would you mind

"if I use your phone to call the office?"

-The tenant lets you in - bingo!

-Does that work?

You'd be amazed.

Let me try again. Please. I can do it.

This one's a student. Probably more on your level.

-Yeah.

-Richard Wimble? I'm from Black Cat collections agency.

OK, I understand if that's how you feel but...

can I use your phone?

Marvellous.

I tried my best.

Course you did.

You thought of maybe trying something a bit less demanding,

perhaps babysitting? Argh!

-Oh, God.

-What's wrong?

-My back! It's gone.

I think I just need to lie down.

He's hurt his back. It's true.

The doctor said this morning he should go home but he wouldn't.

Please help us. He just needs to lie down.

-We won't try anything, I promise.

-Argh.

Thanks, mate. Cheers.

Let's put him on the chair.

Nice of you to invite us in.

You were faking?

Of course. We'll be taking that laptop. Ta very much.

Nearly there.

How'd it go? Your call?

I'm going to have to ring his parents.

Are we ready, Mr Pixel?

Yes, I should say so.

Dr Carter is not here.

Then he's in position.

Ladies and gentlemen, this new technology will revolutionise

the practice of medicine in this surgery.

Mrs Tembe, if you please.

Dr Carter, number four, it's on the list.

-PHONE BEEPS

-Dr Carter? Are you there? Dr Carter?

Try again.

-PHONE BEEPS

-Dr Carter? Are you there? Dr Carter?

-Mr Pixel?

-What are you looking at?

Try Daniel instead, number six, he's on the list.

PHONE BEEPS

Dr Granger? Are you there? Dr Granger?

What do you want? I didn't ring anyone. I'm with a patient.

-FEEDBACK

-Mr Pixel?

Right you are.

You never intended to let me do it on my own.

-Do you blame me?

-You know, you're right.

Doing a course is no substitute for on-the-job experience.

If you knew what the job actually entailed...

Isn't that what you want? To scare me off?

Fine. I don't think you're up to it. You're not tough enough.

If you don't let me try

then you'll never be able to prove you were right.

This one's all yours.

You promise not to interfere?

-Cross my heart.

-If you've got one.

-Don't push it.

DOG BARKS

Mrs Chandar? It's Jas.

Don't worry. We'll tell the office no-one was here.

I hope you get better soon.

I know what you're going to say.

But that woman is in a terrible position.

She's not been able to work since the accident.

Her husband walked out on her.

I think it's sad that you're so cynical.

I think more people should be like me in this job, you know,

a little more trusting, a little more human. There! I said it.

Are you done?

I think so.

Come with me.

Mrs Chandar, I know I humiliated your son...

in front of all those people.

But...Mrs Chandar, I need to talk to Aran.

No...because...because...

..he owes me some money.

Mrs Chandar, are you still there?

You have a nerve calling me!

Mrs Chandar, please stop shouting.

Mrs Chandar, Mrs Chandar, there's no need for that...

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you... #

Sorry. It caught on the desk.

Is it safe to come out now?

She's addicted to catalogue shopping.

I've been here before banging on the door

while she's getting stuff delivered.

They're all the same, the people on this list.

Gamblers, drinkers, addicts, benefit cheats.

My dad was the same.

He got lucky on the horses one Christmas and got me an Atari.

Games console.

Come home from school two weeks later,

and he'd sold it to buy booze.

When I asked him why...

..he gave me a slap.

There's no place for conscience in this game,

and the sooner you learn that the better.

Come on. We can catch her up.

I will just see if Dr Khella is ready to see you now.

PHONE BEEPS Hello?

Sorry, Dr Clay, I must have pressed the wrong button.

No problem, Mrs Tembe.

Now if you drop your trousers and let's take a look...

Dr Clay?

-Hmm. That is a lot bigger than last time I saw it...

-Dr Clay?!

One button to talk and one button to stop talking. Dr Clay?!

-Do you mind if I insert my finger?

-Dr Clay...

Sorry about that. Please take a seat.

Everybody lies. Learn to trust your instincts.

If it sounds like a pork pie,

and it smells like a pork pie, then it's probably going to be...

What's that?

Foot-spa.

-That's my yacht paid for, then.

-Mr...

..Harris.

I heard what you were saying about me on the phone earlier.

And you were right, I was clueless.

But I'm going to learn, and I'll get tougher.

Good.

So I think we should go back for the train set.

-Eh?

-Mr Gartside. Then you'll have done

everyone on the list and you'll definitely get your bonus.

You don't think we should search for his son?

You're right, everybody lies. And it's not our problem anyway.

Right, let's get a move on, then.

Remember us, Mr Gartside? We need to talk about your finances.

-It's not a good time.

-Fine.

Do you mind if we use your phone to call the office?

There's the telephone.

Thanks very much, we'll be taking that.

What?

I'm sorry, Mr Gartside, I misled you.

And now that you've let us into your house we are within our rights

to confiscate items adding up to the amount of your debt.

But I don't have anything.

That's not strictly true, is it?

You can't!

Where are the trains?

-Have you hidden them?

-No.

Don't lie to us, Mr Gartside.

I'm not. I didn't.

You haven't got a visitor, Mr Gartside?

No.

-Mr Gartside!

-Robbie! No!

-DOOR SLAMS

-PHONE BEEPS

-Dr Tyler, are you there? Dr Tyler?

-Yes, Mrs Tembe?

-Oh!

Sorry. I was sitting in my office, twiddling my thumbs,

I thought I'd pop in and see if we had any patients?

I am so sorry, Dr Tyler, we seem to be having one or two problems.

-Let me take a look.

-That is very kind of you.

# Happy birthday to you... #

If I never hear that song again it will be too soon.

I know exactly what you mean.

Every time I hear it,

I half expect Mr Pixel to pop up from behind the furniture.

MR PIXEL GROANS

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday

# Happy... #

You've got to be kidding. What did you do to him?

-He fell.

-What about these other bruises?

-He was like that when we got here.

-You expect me to believe that?

Why didn't you call an ambulance?

Are you going to look after him, or what?

-Mr Gartside? I'm Dr Granger. How are you feeling?

-OK.

I need to examine my patient.

If you two vultures could leave, please.

Did they do this?

Robbie.

Your son?

He came for my trains. He took everything else.

-There goes our bonus.

-You're unbelievable.

You said his son didn't exist. "Another sob story," you said.

So?

We're no better than he is - taking from a helpless old man.

How can you not feel bad about that?

You know what? You're just like your dad.

No, I'm not. You don't mention my dad, right?

Come on. We're not going to get anything here.

I don't think I want to be a bailiff anymore.

If this is what it's like, not caring, not trusting anyone.

Sitting on your big pot of money with no-one to spend it on.

I'd rather be unemployed.

How is he?

A bump to the head is the least of his worries, so just keep away, OK?

He's got nothing to give you, he's not even feeding himself.

It's the son you need to look for.

That's what he said.

If you bother him I'll hear about it.

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you... #

Mr Pixel, will you please turn off that music?

It is most annoying.

# Happy birthday to you... #

Mr Pixel!

This is a place of work not a children's party.

# Happy birthday to you... #

Right, that is it.

Mr Pixel, I don't know what you think you are...?

Mr Pixel?

Mr Pixel!

Calling all doctors! I need some help in Dr Carter's room.

Please come quickly.

Mr Pixel. Help is on its way.

Mr Pixel, can you hear me?

Hello. Hello. He's unresponsive. There's no pulse. Grab the defib.

I will call an ambulance.

-MACHINE:

-Connect electrode.

-MACHINE:

-Analysing now. Stand clear.

-MACHINE:

-Stand clear.

-Clear. Push to shock.

-Nothing.

-Shock again.

-MACHINE:

-Stand clear. Push to shock.

-Clear.

I've got an output.

The ambulance is on its way.

The intercom claims its first victim.

If it wasn't for the intercom,

Mrs Tembe wouldn't have been able to have called for help so quickly.

If we weren't wasting money on intercoms

he wouldn't be here in the first place.

Yes, he would have had his heart attack somewhere else,

somewhere that wasn't a doctor's surgery.

Mrs Tembe, can you put in a call to

the elderly persons' health visitor, please?

Is Mr Gartside not coping?

At the very least he should be getting meals on wheels.

I know they're stretched. And it'll take... Is that Mr Pixel?

He has had a heart attack.

-Is he...?

-He is going to be fine.

But if you feel that concerned maybe you could send him a get well card.

Mr Gartside.

Mind if I come in?

I've got something for you.

Thank you.

I could do with a sit down, my back's killing me.

Are there any of those left?

Sorry.

What happened with Aran?

No-one knows where he is.

Seriously?

I rang all our mates. Unless they're lying for him.

And his parents won't talk?

Not in my lifetime.

So now what?

I forget about it. Get the money some other way.

Are you sure this is just about the money?

What else would it be?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe you still haven't got over whatever it is that happened.

You are way off.

Am I?

I don't like not knowing where he is. But that's it.

You sure you're still not in love with him?

-Shut up.

-All right. I was just asking.

I think you can tell a lot by the way a man dresses.

-And what do waistcoats tell you?

-Depends on the waistcoat.

And the man.

Chloe was looking after you when your mum was in hospital.

That's what she wanted us to think. She killed my mum.

Do I smell a touch of romance in the air?

There better not be.

Look, we have to do this so try and be professional,

if you can manage that.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd