Henry Dear's Big Day Doctors

-How long's it take to get to the Scillies, anyway?

-Too long.

As mother would say, "Let's not spoil the ship for a hay'parth of tar."

We're on our honeymoon and you're quoting your mother!

I'm just saying let's not jump the gun, ay?

Ten years, Henry!

Nobody could accuse you of "jumping the gun".

Are you hot? Is it hot in here?

GIGGLES

What's in the bag?

I told you, you shouldn't have come in.

The Mill can do without, with me for a bit.

Well, thank you, but if I'm going to be miserable

-I may as well have some company.

-Who's next?

-Are you on peace work, or something, this morning?

-I'm motivated.

-Oh, yes?

-Dr Khella is accompanying me to a seminar this afternoon -

Advances In Minor Surgery.

-Ooh!

-Sounds thrilling.

We have to leave on the stroke of one o'clock.

-Or he turns you into a pumpkin.

-I take it you've arranged cover?

All sorted. I'm looking forward to it.

Excellent. Tempus Fugit. Mr Coulthard?

Oh, great.

I don't think she wants to talk to you.

What are you, her guard dog?

You'll have to excuse my husband,

where he comes from that passes as charm.

Oi!

Karen.

CLEARS THROAT

Karen!

OK. All right.

I don't mind an audience, if you don't.

-I wanted to talk about last night!

-OK!

You're going to have to excuse us for five minutes?

Outside now!

Obviously I'm the bad guy in all this.

What are you even doing here?

You didn't come home last night, what do you think I'm doing here?

Aw, you were worried?

Is that a crime now? Of course I was worried.

I'm surprised you even found the time.

How many more times do I have to tell you?

It was work, we were under cover.

Work you can't tell me about?

You know the rules. I can't go blabbing to all and sundry,

-it could have jeopardised the whole operation.

-All and sundry?!

You know what I mean.

OK, maybe I could have been a little bit more up front about it,

but we don't have to share every single detail of our lives.

Anyway, it's not my fault you got the wrong end of the stick!

I saw you kissing her!

How is that the wrong end of the stick?

And just when were you planning on springing that?

-I didn't think... No, no, no put those back, please.

-What?

Were you just going to waltz into the bedroom on our first night?

Our first night, Henry, and say, "surprise!"

I honestly didn't think you'd mind.

Would you stop that!

-Pack it in. What is going on?

-Er excuse me.

We're in the middle of something here.

-Let go.

-Take it easy, the pair of you.

Not until you get back in the cab.

Rob!

She really has got you well and truly brainwashed, hasn't she?

I should have known it'd never work.

Don't be daft. Give me that.

I never want to see you again.

I said give me the bag!

-Did you hear me?

-70 quid first, mate.

Penn... How much? That's daylight bleeding robbery.

-Just hang on.

-Penny, come back.

I'm not paying!

It's not his fault you've changed your minds.

We haven't changed our minds.

You might not have.

SHE SOBS

-Are we still on target?

-Hmm. With time to spare.

Can you tell me where your toi..toi...

-SHE SNIFFS

-..toilet is?

Don't ask.

What have you got in here, a body?!

I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have dragged you into this.

Don't worry about it.

Steady on, love!

Penny.

Come out, love, please.

Go away!

Don't ask me, mate.

I want a divorce.

Come on, mate, no-one's going to fall for that one.

Mate, you want to bet?

-Lost something?

-Yes, my mind. I printed off a list of counsellors.

-I'm sure I put it in here somewhere.

-Time to come out of the cave, Mum,

you can put all that stuff on your phone now.

You boys and your phones, if it was wearing a skirt

-and a pair of heels you'd date it, wouldn't you?

-Yeah.

-SIGHS

-I'm just going to have to print off another copy.

You know this thing has more

computing power than NASA used to put a man on the moon?

Really, and remind me what exactly do you use it for?

-Games.

-Diaries, calendars,

alarms, er... you can sync your e-mails to it,

you can surf on it.

The police even use it as a portable lie detector.

SHE SCOFFS

Seriously, it's a new app, I'll show you.

Right... My name is Heston Carter.

PHONE SIREN BLARES

See, it knows.

This is a joke, right?

No. Honestly, insurance companies use this when you try

and phone in a claim. It reacts to the pitch and tone of your voice.

How steady it is, the level of anxiety, hesitation, timing,

that kind of thing.

You need to answer a couple of control questions first, though.

Go on then.

OK, so it's got something to reference against,

answer the first question honestly then lie to the second.

OK, so...

What is your name?

My name is Emma Reid.

PHONE ALERT BEEPS

See, it knows.

Right, what does your father do for a living?

He was, er... Oh, I don't know, an astronaut.

PHONE SIREN BLARES

See, now, it's got your voice pattern.

Yes, well, very impressive.

No, hang on. They were just the control questions.

What about... Er...

Do you fancy Howard?

What?

Don't be ridiculous.

PHONE SIREN BLARES

An hysterical bride runs into reception, that is not

an everyday occurrence, even in Letherbridge.

Maybe she just realised what she signed up for.

Can I get some help here, please?

Help me get him into my room.

So what are we waiting for, six bridesmaids

and a mariachi band, or is that it?

You do realise you've got a home visit to go to

and Lucy Radcliffe still to see?

Yes, this is all timed to perfection. Lucy Radcliffe.

-Go away.

-No.

What are you doing here?

It's a waiting room, isn't it?

Well, I'm going to wait until you come to your senses.

BEEPING

What am I going to do?

Right now? Breathe out.

-Slowly.

-It's all falling apart.

I'm sure that's not true. Now, ssssh.

In...and...

slowly...out.

-Look, you're a woman...

-Oh, well spotted.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Dr Khella, if I could have a word?

Keep breathing, OK.

You are aware that we have to leave by one o'clock?

I know, don't worry.

Except judging by the masses outside,

you're running somewhat behind.

I didn't ask to get dragged into this, but I'm dealing with it.

Well, are you're sure? I have one more home visit then I can pick you up.

Fine.

SOBS

And you're certain you'll be ready?

Heston!

Rob.

Are you ill?

No.

Ah.

You can't sit there all day!

Are you going to talk to me?

Come on, Karen, this is stupid.

Is it?

She's always had a thing for you and this playing happy families -

if I believe it -

gives her the perfect opportunity to get her claws into you.

PHONE RINGS

Cat got your tongue? That's her, isn't it?

It's work. I swear.

-You shouldn't even have that on in here.

-I'll be back.

I won't hold my breath!

I've told him to sit quietly for a bit.

Jenny Watson's next....

If anybody's interested.

PHONE RINGS

'Sorry, was it bloods and urine for Mr Lovell?'

-No, just bloods.

-'OK.'

SOBBING

Just come and talk to him.

I've got nothing to say to that ratbag.

Look, I don't want to be any bother,

just let me know when he's gone and I'll be out of your way.

Well, I need to be sure he's recovered before he can go.

Why, what's up with him?

Nothing to worry about, just a panic attack.

Is he all right?

He's fine, just got himself in a bit of a state.

Typical! He's not bothered what state I'm in.

Of course he's bothered.

What do you think brought on the attack in the first place?

This isn't my fault, you know.

Not saying it is, but you can hardly sort it out from inside a toilet.

This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life.

Brides are supposed to be beautiful.

Well...you, er...are.

I look like the bride of Frankenstein.

SHE SOBS

Look, I'm sorry, I've got patients.

Don't bother about me.

I suppose he's told you his side of the story?

None of my business...

So, what happened?

I don't want to talk about it.

-Oh, look, if you've come to have a go about earlier...

-What?

No, I was just coming to say thank you for sorting out Mr Lovell.

Oh! Well, you're welcome.

Mum, I'm busy here.

Yes. Right... OK.

Some days it's just not worth getting out of bed.

Well done, you. That's it til after lunch.

-And that's Jimmi's problem.

-The happy couple?

The groom's still in sickbay he won't leave unless the bride goes

with him, and she won't come out of the toilet until he goes and I'm...

Piggy in the middle.

Someone should tell them,

this is a Doctors surgery not marriage guidance.

I don't suppose you'd have a word?

No chance. I'm not getting in the middle of that.

I've got my own problems.

-You know you have to get rid before you can shoot off to the seminar?

-I know.

Isn't there a law against stalking?

Getting wound up won't do you any favours.

It's with it being the Scillies, you see.

Mother really wanted to go.

That's where you're going on your honeymoon?

I've ruined everything.

Come on, that's a bit of an exaggeration, surely?

I've been married two hours and 35 minutes

and my wife has just said she wants a divorce.

OK, granted, that's not... brilliant. But...

Look, I've got to ask, what on earth did you do?

I just thought it'd be a nice thing to do.

-I knew Penny wouldn't be too chuffed, but I thought she'd understand.

-Understand what?

Instead she blew a flaming gasket, said I was still putting mother first.

That's hardly fair given the circumstances?

Since I don't know the circumstances, Henry, I really couldn't say,

but if you don't do something soon, you're going to lose Penny,

is that what you want?

What can I do if she won't even talk to me?

OK, one last time.

Anything to get rid of the pair of you.

I've taken that much blood today they're calling me the vampire of Letherbridge.

I'm not though...you know... a vampire.

Sorry, just give me a tick.

SIMULATED FART EFFECT

You know that moment, when you see somebody across a crowded room?

Was it at a dance or something?

A funeral. He looked so handsome all in black.

Of course, his mother's right next to him,

-giving the evils to the vicar.

-The vicar?

She was the same with any woman who came within three feet of her

precious Henry.

Oh! So sorry to interrupt. How's it going?

Right, well I'll just...

Sorry.

Come on, it's taken you ten years to get him down the aisle,

you're not going to let his mother win now, surely.

How could he?

How could he even think about bringing

the old witch on our honeymoon?

He's taking his mother on honeymoon? No wonder you're upset.

Yes, thank you, Karen.

I mean, I just wanted it to be special, you know...

the first time.

-By "the first time," you don't mean...

-The first time?!

Not for want of trying, on my part, believe me.

But Henry's mother could make the puritans look promiscuous.

Poor sod was well and truly brainwashed.

Every time we got close to...

..you know, he just couldn't go through with it.

Said it'd compromise my virtue.

-Well, that's...really...

-Sad?

-..noble.

-And now we're married. How are we supposed to...

..you know... with his mother in the same room?!

You're kidding, right?

And I thought I had problems.

But you can't solve anything stuck in here, can you?

Like it or not, you're married, you've got to talk to him sometime.

SIMMULATED FART EFFECT

Too much fibre?

Hang on.

It's the phone.

Original. Most people blame the dog.

Look.

A farting app! Nice. When did you get that?

I didn't!

This better be good.

Where do I start?!

For one, don't come to my place at work,

especially on a job like that. It could have ruined the whole setup.

The set up where you get to snog Driver's face off?

How many more times, we were role playing!

-Well, you looked like you were enjoying it.

-Good.

-Excuse me?

We have got to convince that man that we are a genuine couple.

So if it's convinced you, chances are it's convinced him.

I don't want to keep going over this, I don't know what else to say.

Just tell me one thing. When you and Driver were playing

happy families, were you thinking about work then?

OK, I have to be honest, this whole setup has been very confusing.

What does that mean?

Pretending to be a real couple. Funny things like that, it plays tricks with your head.

Are you saying...? You've got feelings for her?

No!

I feel sorry for her.

I bet she's loving this.

Nothing happened, you've got to believe me.

Swear on Jack and Immie's lives.

I swear. I SWEAR.

Are you happy now?

Karen, this case is really important.

To see that kid, that baby, being traded like groceries.

-It's sick.

-I'm sure it is.

It's sounds daft, but it made me think of our two even more.

It made me want to home every day and give them both a hug.

This case has really opened my eyes.

These poor kids have got nothing, nobody.

All they need is a home, and somebody to show they care.

That shouldn't be too much to ask, should it?

What are you saying?

Since Jack and Immie left

it just seems that we're both just drifting along.

We haven't got any purpose anymore.

We're rattling around in that big house on our own

and you know what, we could make a real difference to some kid's life.

What do you think?

Now, keep calm. This is just a hiccup, remember.

Get over this and you've got the rest of your lives to annoy each other.

You ready?

OK.

Is this the same bloke who, less than two years ago,

made me get rid of our own baby?

Hey. Wait a minute, we both agreed that was for the best at the time.

You bullied me into that.

What happened to "we're too old, we need our space,

"we've done our bit"?

Now you're all for taking in some stranger's kid, who, by the way,

probably has more issues than you can shake a stick at.

You thought Jack and Immie were hard work, you've got no idea!

All I'm saying is let's think about it.

We could give some kid a bit of security, a loving home,

-a decent start in life.

-All stuff we could have given to our own baby!

-OK, look...

-Our baby, Rob!

Not some kid that you've taken in because some random case

tweaked your social conscience or because you woke up one morning

and realised your own kids have flown the nest

leaving behind a whacking great hole.

Our own flesh and blood!

Just keep your mouth shut and don't mention your mother.

Good. Marriage is supposed to be give and take, there's nothing that

can't be sorted if you're willing to discuss it openly and calmly.

-You stupid, brainless, selfish pig.

-I didn't mean to upset you.

You know what, you need to go home now.

Let's not do this here, ay? Let's discuss it at home.

I'm not discussing anything with you.

Go home and think about what you just said to me.

-How hurtful you're being. Then you can come back on your knees.

-Ahem...

Right.

One sec...

Are you all right? Can I do anything?

You could knock some sense into that stupid husband of mine.

Preferably with a sledgehammer.

Must be something in the water.

Oh, for Gods sake, wake up, will you!

You're still putting your mother first!

I know your relationship with her hasn't been easy.

She did everything she could think of to split us up.

She was just scared of being on her own.

-Oh, it was more than that and you know it.

-All right, that's enough.

I've had it up to here with both of you. Karen, could you ring for a taxi please?

-My pleasure!

-I thought you were on my side!

I'm not on anybody's side.

-You're both as bad as each other.

-She doesn't understand how difficult this is.

I do, at least I'm trying to, but it's been a year now since...

Look, you're 40 years old, it's OK to cut the apron strings.

Only in your case you need flaming bolt cutters!

Come on, Henry, you're not going to get a second chance.

Why don't you make your own mind up, for once, and think about us,

-about our future. You don't have to do everything your mother's way.

-I don't.

-Oh, Henry!

-She didn't want me to marry you, for a start.

Erm... Taxi's on its way, if anybody's interested.

How stupid was I to think this was ever going to work? Hello!

I should have realised it was doomed when you asked me

to wear your mother's smelly old wedding dress.

Henry?

Fine.

If that's how you feel, go. Go on, leave,

but you're not taking mother's wedding dress with you.

What?

It's mine.

You don't want me, you're not having the dress, give it back, please.

-That's not exactly what I meant.

-No, no, no. No, it's all right.

You want it, you can have it.

Henry Dear, you are going to end up a sad, lonely, desperate, old man

with 25 cats and a house full of newspapers.

There's your stupid dress.

And what time do you call this?

Blame the chickens.

Two dozen of the little blighters strolling down Castle Street.

Right, I take it that peace has been restored to our little

-corner of purgatory?

-Surprisingly successfully.

-And the patients?

-All sorted.

In that case, madam, your carriage awaits.

Enjoy. Isn't that Henry's bag?

It might have passports and what not in it?

For the honeymoon, you know.

What is it?

It's the mother-in-law.

It didn't take her long to figure out how to hack into your phone.

Come on, mate, you've got to admit, that's a pretty impressive learning curve.

Mate, it's typical, she can't take a stupid joke,

always has to have the last word.

Doesn't mind making me look a fool though, does she.

A farting app. Mate, she calls me juvenile.

-You deleted it, right?

-Yes, of course I did.

'Help, let me out, I'm trapped. Help, let me out, I'm a tiny man...'

Genius!

When she does something, it's funny,

but when I do it I'm acting like a flipping idiot.

It'd kill her to give me credit for anything.

It's been the same all my life.

Nothing I do makes any difference to her, not that she'd notice

anything I did anyway unless it was something she could have a go about.

All right, mate, chill out, it's no big deal.

Hey, what did Mandy say?

All clear for this little feller?

No, I'm really sorry. The cat's got to go.

I'm very allergic.

It is important to me that she's safe.

-I'm sure it is.

-She will be.

She's seeing someone else. That's the problem.

You're not, are you?

-Of course not. Guy and me are strictly business.

-She's lying.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd