Artist in Residence Doctors

Hey! How was the auction last night?

Yeah...I tried.

What's that smell?

-Here.

-What's that?

-Coffee.

Thought so. Is that cat food?

You like coffee.

In our four years together, you've never had a coffee waiting for me.

Guy sold five of my paintings.

-Great! An agent actually doing their job, eh?

-And I've finished four more.

You used to make real art. We used to sell real art.

-You're not jealous are you?

-Not a bit.

CAT MEOWS

I knew it! You've been feeding that stray, haven't you?

-Coffee does not make up for a cat.

-I don't let him in here.

CAT MEOWS

-I'll give it a good boot if I see it.

-Don't be harsh.

-I'm allergic!

-You're fine, your mum has three cats.

CAT MEOWS

Don't worry, Mr Snuggles. I'll talk him round.

Great, see you in about an hour.

And who was that?

Karen, give it a rest.

If you think I'm going to pussy foot around that woman

while she gobbles you up...

Thanks...

I realise you've got an important job,

but what part of it requires you to babysit with your boss?

Look, if we pull this off,

we get to put one of the biggest scumbags I've ever met inside.

They're using a baby to con people out of money.

-If she pull any funny business I'm going to kill her.

-Right.

And I'll throttle you.

Can I go now? Oh, Karen, look...

No, you go. It's that poor kid I feel sorry about.

You were rubbish with the babies.

SIGHS

A sigh will not fill an empty heart.

When you're used to living alone you forget how messy other people are.

Look.

It is not our job to clean up all the time.

I enjoy organising, normally. Just seem to be a little out of sorts.

What has brought this on?

Karen, you know, moving out and getting back with Rob so soon.

That is supposed to be a good thing?

Yeah, it is, it's just, I miss her.

All the noise she makes, the chats.

I thought she was only with you for one night?

I know. It's silly really. One night of company was so lovely.

I wish she's stayed longer.

I enjoyed the gossip, talking about my weird neighbours,

Rob's bad habits.

You know what I mean?

No. Not really.

Have you seen my black shoes anywhere?

You're not still fretting are you?

Just papering over the cracks.

We have to have a woman on this job.

-This guy's got to believe we're a real family.

-Hmmm.

And I've got kids. More believable.

-You reckon?

-A bit.

I give you an hour before you're calling for help.

-Black shoes are under the stairs.

-Keep your mobile on.

I won't pick up.

Are you sure it's not just the wet weather, or your eczema?

-Hello, anyone home?

-Hi. In here.

He just turns up?

Guy's here a lot, we're very busy.

Just be nice.

Morning all. Ellie, darling. Right, show me, show me, show me.

I like it. It's edgy.

This is not what we trained for.

Sad to hear your work's not selling very well.

It's not all about sales.

An artist should create beauty without thrusting himself in the way.

-Very true.

-I've spoken to a couple of galleries.

-There may be some interest in an exhibition.

-That's fantastic!

You're not allergic. Don't be silly.

I've met many Zen masters in my lifetime. Most of them cats.

That's not inner peace. That's smug.

Go see Mandy. Get your allergy test results.

If it's clear, please can I keep the cat?

Sure. We could make a pair of fluffy slippers out of it.

I am very impressed.

My house is always spotless, one of the perks of living alone.

A fine job.

It's easy to get things done when you're left to your own devices, I suppose.

Exactly.

It is hard when someone leaves, but I do not know why so many people need someone around all the time.

It depends who it is...

You mean finding a good man?

You have more chance finding a doctor with decent handwriting.

It's awful, I know, but I think I'd prefer a rotter round the house than nothing.

You seem so sorted, so together. How do you manage so well?

I wish it was always the case.

Go on. Tell me your secret?

I make a plan, and I stick to it.

Hey.

Duncan! Not seen you in ages. What are you doing here? I'm not lending you my nurse's uniform again.

But I look so good in it.

Are you all right?

Yeah. Just not in a great place today. I'm fine.

What's the matter?

Elie's adopted a stray cat. I'm sure it's making me ill.

Have you had allergy tests?

Here for the results.

You look terrible. Maybe you should see one of the doctors.

It's all right, I'd rather see you. It's a bit personal.

-There you go, you even get a sticker for being a brave boy?

-Funny.

Have you spoken to Elie about this cat yet?

I've tried but her agent is always there, interfering.

Can you speak to her?

Tell her it'll be fine at the cat rescue.

Your test results have come back clear. Maybe it's stress?

What about all this scratching? That can't be stress.

Stress isn't good for eczema.

You sure there's nothing else?

I'm not selling any of my paintings.

Duncan, I'm sorry. People are such philistines.

How about Elie?

That's the problem. She is.

People actually buy these?

It looks like a bowl of...

I know. I just know she can do so much better.

You've both given up so much.

I don't understand why she'd sell out now.

-Her agent is really persuasive.

-He'd have to be.

Mandy... I think I'm losing her.

Honey? I'm home.

Lighten up Hollins. Look.

-I used to have one of those.

-Really?

TOY SIREN SOUNDS

I was going to be a fireman.

Better uniform.

Better hours.

-Come on, Rob. We're supposed to be a happy loving couple.

-Yeah. Right.

One out of ten for enthusiasm. Come on, help me unpack this.

Darling.

But the cat is freaking me out.

It's eyes all glassy, it sneaks about... and it hates my work.

Every cat's a critic.

It gives me this look... it's evil.

Is there something you're not telling me?

You're not scared of cats? You can't be serious.

My mum's cats used to torment me. I'd come home from school and they'd be all over the room, staring at me,

like they were waiting to pounce.

You know phobia can be a sign of something else,

something psychological.

I've failed. I can't sell my work. Elie's shifting all this...rubbish and I can't sell a single painting.

-You should be happy for her.

-I've tried..

-Why don't you just talk to her?

-Couldn't you?

Duncan, it's not really my place.

Just don't tell her the truth...

You want me to lie to her? About an allergy?

Ever since this cat came along, everything's gone down hill.

Can you manage?

Yeah, done.

KNOCKING

Are you ready?

Yeah.

-Hi. Come in.

-Morning.

-Come through.

-Thank you.

Mrs Farrell. You seem well prepared.

I just wanted to make sure we had everything we need.

I'm sure she'll be well looked after.

BABY CRIES

Hey! There you go.

-It is important to me that she's safe.

-I'm sure it is.

She will be.

Right, Sofia, this is Lyn and Rob.

Look at her face. She's perfect.

Any questions?

No, don't think so.

There is one small matter.

Thank you.

You have a great weekend. You have my number if there are any problems.

-I think she's going to make you very happy.

-Thank you.

Done.

How can he just leave a baby like that?

Driver, exchange complete.

Please, take a seat.

You look a lot more cheery.

I've been thinking about what you said and I've been making some plans.

There's a new reality show starting

and some channel showing all the old shows from the nineties.

The Brittas Empire! I love the Brittas Empire!

Perhaps you should think about getting out of the house.

I suggest something a little more cultural.

Doctor Carter has very refined tastes.

He can probably afford it.

Think about it as an investment in your happiness.

Yes, you're right.

I'll book a couple of tickets for something sophisticated.

Two tickets? You're taking a friend?

'Oh, yes!'

'You're so dirty.'

'Oh, you...

'That's so good.'

'Ow! Don't bite.'

Hey, what did Mandy say?

All clear for this little feller?

No, I'm really sorry. The cat's got to go.

I'm very allergic.

Isn't there something you can take?

You'd rather I was on drugs than lose the cat?

I think she meant anti-histamines, not heroin and absinthe.

How am I supposed to paint zonked to the eyeballs on tablets?

Maybe it'll help. You're not exactly shifting units.

Thanks for that. And they're paintings, not units.

Units, paintings, whatever. The bottom line is Elie's sell and yours don't,

ever since she took this bold new modernist direction.

And I know it sounds stupid - the cat really helps me relax.

And I've got orders for four more canvasses for Monday.

This is so wrong.

A grand a painting, Duncan.

Buys a lot of allergy medicine.

Since when did we care about money?

Fine. I'll go to the chemist.

Just keep that cat away from my stuff.

She's been well looked after.

A miracle, really.

Wow. Good grip.

You know you can hang a baby on a washing line and it'll hold on?

You want to hang her on the washing line?

Hard to think someone could sell a baby.

Yeah.

There's plenty more like her.

Right, that's my cue to leave, I reckon.

-I'll leave the washing line with you then, shall I?

-Go on, get out(!)

Oh!

You're happy now, aren't you?

Hello?

MEOWING

You little...

Duncan! What are you doing?

-It's ruined all my work!

-What's happened?

Not only is the cat still here,

your agent bought a bleeding present.

He didn't mean any harm.

It's all about you and Guy.

Back, get back!

Elie!

Duncan!

Duncan? What are you doing?

Duncan!

RINGING

-Hello?

-Mandy? Mandy, I need your help.

Elie, are you OK?

Duncan's gone mad. What did you tell him?

What's happened, are you all right?

He was trying to kill the cat.

Trashing the studio.

Is he really sick?

No. He's really not, honest.

You OK?

A friend once told me sometimes the only thing that stopped her throwing her baby out the window

was the smell on the top of its head.

Really? I can't smell anything.

Try this one, it's warmer.

OK.

Here you are. Come on. Come on.

I wonder what's wrong with her?

-I don't know.

-Well, there's something.

-You're the one who's had kids. What would you do?

I'd ask Karen.

I think we'll manage.

Oh, dear, a microwave meal for one.

No, it's nice. Do you want some?

No, thank you.

If it was goat's cheese,

Alsatian Riesling with a little Mahler in the background...

Oh, there's a Mahler's concert on this weekend. I was thinking of going.

His epic Eighth.

Will you be there?

No, a country walk and a meal by the canal with a friend.

Oh, are you going to that pub, the one that does the Sunday roasts

where the beef is so rare it's still mooing?

I was thinking of going there.

That sounds lovely. Maybe...

No, a picnic. She's a vegetarian.

No offence, but I'm having lunch with an old uni friend.

I think we should get Jimmi Clay back.

No, Karen will know what to do.

Oh, she'll love that.

Karen.

Our little baby girl won't take any milk. What should we do?

I don't know what I can do from here.

Oh, Karen, please.

Well, maybe it's too hot.

Have you tried cooling it?

Right, we'll try that.

Have you checked the teats? Some babies don't like it

if the milk comes out too quickly.

We're going to try that love, yeah.

Have you tried winding her? She might be a bit gassy.

No, I've not done that. Wait a minute.

Shall we try that? Shall we?

-Eh?

-Oh...

BABY BURPS

Ah! Is that better? Is it?

Thanks, love, that might have worked.

No problem.

Just make sure that bloody Driver keeps her filthy paws off.

You're on speaker phone, love.

I know.

He's completely lost it, all over a cat.

Duncan?

Duncan, it's Mandy.

Mandy?

Duncan, will you unlock the door, please.

What's happened to you pair?

You used to be great together.

It's this cat business, her choosing it over me.

It's ridiculous.

No, you trashing the studio, that's ridiculous.

Duncan, what have you done?

Take the cat and leave, if that's what you want. Guy can have you.

-What's got into you?

-He bought it a bleeding blanket!

So you wreck all your beautiful work?

What's the point? All they want is...

Whatever it is.

There's nothing left.

How have you got like this?

How do you think I feel, working every day for nothing?

An allergy caused all this?

No. This isn't the cat.

No.

She's seeing someone else. That's the problem.

You're not, are you?

-Of course not! Guy and me are strictly business.

-She's lying!

Duncan...

What do these marks remind you of?

How rubbish my life is?

No, no.

Imagine loads of them

all over the canvas, all different colours.

I don't believe this.

Is there something you're not telling us, Elie?

It's not me.

It's the cat.

What? That thing? The cat paints?

I came in to the studio one day and it had ruined two of my paintings -

smeared wet paint all over them, scratched them all over.

Guy was due to collect my stuff.

I didn't know what to do.

You didn't even tell him what happened?

I tried but he loved them.

Started going on about destruction, Derrida, modern zeitgeist... All that rubbish.

Why didn't you just tell Duncan about the cat?

How do you think I felt?

The cat's more successful than I'll ever be.

I'm so sorry. I feel really stupid.

I just thought you and Guy wanted me out.

All he cares about is sales. He's not interested in me.

He's pushing me all the time.

So it's not the cat?

No, it's her agent.

No, it's you.

Look...

I'd rather live in a tent than sell out like this.

-We can do better.

-You'll manage.

You always do.

Did you have any luck finding a companion?

Absolutely none.

I don't suppose you'd be interested?

It is a lunchtime concert, so it wouldn't eat into your Sunday.

On Sunday I will be at my own church.

After the service, I help with the lunchtime coffee meeting.

Oh, it is very lively.

Ah, that sounds like great fun.

It is not everyone's cup of tea.

We discuss the sermon. It is a very serious business.

That sounds... interesting.

Would you mind if I came along?

Yes, of course!

You will be most welcome.

That is bad.

-You're on your own with that one.

-Rob!

Always amazed me how much they can produce. I'll finish that.

Oh, thank you.

See, told you I could cook.

Great, I'm starving.

I think it's an early night for the both of us after all this.

I like it. It's now, it's edgy.

I see Elie's style's rubbing off on you.

No, it's not, Guy.

It's rubbish. Just like your opinions.

We need to talk to you about something.

From this point, we do what we love,

-no more crap art for brain-dead people.

-But it's what sells.

I'm going to work on something I believe in.

But I have orders.

You have to do this.

No, she doesn't.

Besides, Elie's not the one you're after.

You want to meet the great artist you've been bigging up?

Oh, I beg your pardon.

MEOWING

Mr Snuggles is the artist.

You're joking, right?

Very good, you nearly had me.

It's no joke.

What, you think that that cat did...?

Oh, I'm going to be the laughing stock.

I'm sorry, Guy. You just wouldn't listen.

No-one else has to know.

You're damned right they don't!

And as you have quite clearly breached the terms of our contract,

your latest commissions shall be forfeit.

Hm! Forfeit! I'll see myself out.

Bye.

What lies at the bottom of the mainstream?

Mediocrity.

I'm sorry I doubted you.

Can I keep him?

As long as he retires from the art world.

You look busy.

I've got to get this audit done, then I'm out of here. Got a busy weekend.

Oh, me, too. I'm going to church with Mrs Tembe.

I didn't know you were the religious type.

I'm not.

Load of superstitious rubbish if you ask me.

You do know Mrs Tembe takes all that quite seriously?

I'm only going for the coffee morning afterwards.

I can sit through a couple of hours of god-bothering for a snack and a chat.

They don't sit and talk about what's in this month's Hello! Magazine.

It's more...

You know... Spiritual.

I hope they don't try to convert me because they'll have no joy there.

You don't want to offend anyone, Valerie.

What are you doing for the weekend?

Organising an open day for my craft group.

Oh, great. That sounds like fun.

A lot better than a stuffy church hall.

I used to make my own placemats.

Ooh!

I could meet you there. Where did you say it was again?

I do a great back rub.

I'll start that paperwork while it's still quiet.

We should call Andrei,

put the handover back a couple of days, just till she's well.

I should be getting back to work.

Work?

I'm taking you home.

You need some rest, hm?

Lots of TLC?

Not only is it unhealthy,

but it's not good for a patient to smell tobacco on a doctor.

Why not?

Isn't it good for them to know that we're human, too?