The Woman at the Bus Stop Doctors

# I don't like what I've become

# I don't like what I've become

# They wear daisy chains

# Do the same

# Broke your neck

# So steer me... #

You're a nasty little man

and you are going to go away for a very long time.

Hm?

# Sing this if you want me in your mouth

# The world is full of people

# Changing their minds

# And now I know

# I'm changing mine

# Cos I don't like what I've become... #

Figure one - sales targets...

..figure two - shortfall...

..figure three...

deadline by which said shortfall is to be made up.

I get to keep my bonus and you get to keep your jobs.

Can you read that deadline there, Craig?

-Er, 20.00.

-20.00 when?

Today.

And who is our "Mr Shortfall", Craig?

-Oh, look...

-HE TUTS

Boo...psh!

Any ideas, anybody?

Craig?

EVERYONE SCREAMS

HE GROANS

CRAIG!

I am.

You see, dogs don't wizz on moving cars, Craig.

Are you an old banger or a moving car?

A moving car.

Because what happens to old bangers, Team Tony?

-ALL:

-They get traded in.

-Can't hear you, Craig?

-They get traded in. Oh.

Kevin.

I'll just wait here then

Mr Bellamy, I have compiled an incident file

with copies of all paperwork and forms F2508, F2533 and F2534.

Good Morning, Dr Tyler.

Excellent job, Mrs Tembe.

Workplace accident - litigious nightmare.

Especially when the victim's a temporary employee.

Oh, good grief, the woman slipped and fell. No harm done.

No need for an official enquiry.

Which doctor examined her?

Me. Diagnosis - mild upset, moderate to severe attention seeking.

-Did she mention the S word?

-Miss Pitman will not sue, Mr Bellamy.

This is the age of the ambulance chaser.

Compensation claims to the NHS rose by 13% last year

and now account for seven percent of the annual budget.

Oh, Howard, Valerie doesn't want compensation.

She just wants a bit of TLC.

We have a walk-in clinic until two today.

So, if you'd just like to pop in?

Yes, we'll see you later.

MUSIC: "I'm Gonna Love You Just A Little More Baby" by Barry White

You!

Sorry, do I know you?

Killyon Road Bus stop, 8.10 every morning,

you get the number 19 into town.

Are you following me?

Oh, ooh, no!

No, no, no! I get the number 19, opposite direction,

opposite side of the street.

I'm not a weirdo...

..I just couldn't help but notice you, that's all.

Oh, well, that's nice.

What can I help you with, Mr...?

Smelling. Craig Smelling. I'm registered.

Doctor Haskey has a walk-in clinic, he shouldn't be long.

If you'd like to take a seat.

Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

"Your stars in alignment

"put you at an unprecedented crossroads in your life.

"Today you must decide whether to continue on the familiar path

"or adventure down the new."

Are you free for lunch?

Just, "Today I must decide whether to continue on the familiar path..."

"Or adventure down the new."

Virgo?

Fate.

-So, how about it?

-Craig Smelling?

Oh, erm...

Will you think about it...please?

Call me.

We have our own kitchen, bathroom. Even a washing machine.

I'm glad they found you somewhere so quickly.

We are being helped by charity called EUAid.

They arranged the flat and help with immigration.

May I make you some tea?

-Thanks.

-Can you hold her?

And now I get to take Sofia out whenever I want.

Later on we're going to the park to feed ducks.

She likes you.

Do you know what, I don't think I've got time to stay.

I'm really glad everything's worked out for you

-and wish you the best for the future.

-Thank you, Inspector.

-We owe you everything.

-Bye, Ola.

Good luck.

Ah, you've had ulcers before.

Last year, when I was made redundant.

Stressful.

I thought I had a job for life - turns out life meant 40.

Any change of circumstance?

I got a new job.

Sales...or coercion with intent, depending on your viewpoint.

I don't think I'm really cut out for it.

I'm going to recommend an H pylori test and a change of career.

There aren't many openings for men in their 40s

with bought ledger experience.

It took me nine months to get this one.

In the meantime, I can prescribe some antacids.

Not again!

We've got some gremlins in the machine.

Excuse me.

Valerie, good weekend I trust?

Well, I was in quite a lot of discomfort.

-Yes, I heard about Friday's mishap.

-"Mishap"? I went head over heels.

Did Emma prescribe that?

I've got a friend who's a physio

and she said I should give it as much support as possible.

Right. Well, least you're here.

You know me, I don't like to let the side down.

'If only there were more people in the world like you, Valerie. A team player.'

Except I'm not really part of the team.

-Of course you are.

-But I'll be gone this time next week

and who's going to employ me like this is anyone's guess.

One of the reasons I'm here.

We've organised a small gathering in your honour after work.

Not a goodbye, I hope, more of an adieu.

If you feel up to it.

Oh, well...

Yes, that sounds lovely.

There you go.

Is everything all right?

This Gentleman took a bit of a tumble.

You go inside, I'll get the rest.

That is very kind of you.

You have also been standing out in the cold.

Perhaps you would also like to come inside?

Thank you, I'm just waiting for someone.

Well, I hope that someone is worth waiting for.

Oh, Mr Jenkins!

He seems nice enough but could be a serial killer for all I know.

And that story about seeing me at the bus stop every day.

Sounds well dodgy to me.

Oh, don't listen to him. I think it's dead romantic.

What would he think of me?

I mean, what sort of woman says yes to a date with a complete stranger?

A desperate one?

It's no different than online dating.

Valerie, you never know, he might be the man of your dreams.

-Or the madman from your darkest nightmare.

-Will you shut it!

Ee! Ee! Ee! Ee!

PHONE RINGING

Good afternoon, madam.

I'm sorry to hear you've had an accident recently,

did you know you may be entitled compensation of up to...

Oi, Shortfall, where the hell have been?

-Doctor's appointment.

-Always something, isn't it?

If it's not your ulcers,

it's your cat, or your drains, or your great-aunt Fanny's hip.

I'm entitled to...

The only thing you're entitled to, is a trip down the Jobcentre,

unless there's a claim on my desk by eight o'clock this evening, capiche?

What the hell are you looking at?

Get back on those phones and make me some money, yeah?

PHONE BEEPS

As you're relying more on the wheelchair

you may be entitled to a mobility allowance.

I've got some leaflets, if you'd like to have a look at it.

My eyes aren't good in this artificial light, doctor.

Would you mind opening the blinds?

Of course.

How's that for you?

It's pleasant to find good manners in one so young these days.

Tell me, where did you study medicine?

-Birmingham.

-Ah, grammar school boy.

As the pain's increased, I'm going to up your dose.

A supportive family I'll bet.

A good upbringing is the foundation of success.

I recommend omega three supplements,

research indicates they reduce the inflammation in the joints.

Also, try finding new ways to do simple tasks,

like dressing and washing, to take the strain off your joints.

Operation, "Make Valerie feel loved".

I want every available member of staff

to join us for compulsory drinks in the Icon bar after work - no excuses!

I will send out an all staff e-mail.

Yes, I think we'll get away with it this time

but I want no reoccurrences, Mrs Tembe.

So in your full capacity as Health and Safety Lead

-I need you to give this your full attention.

-Of course!

-Focus on prevention.

-Some more posters?

-That's the ticket!

All the I's dotted, T's crossed. Leave no stone unturned.

Yes, Mr Bellamy.

-This is nice.

-Yeah, yeah.

I used to come here a lot when I was at my old job.

You know, birthdays, Christmas, leaving do's.

I miss all that.

What happened?

Absorbed into a multi-national - 80% redundancies.

I'd been there nearly 20 years. Biggest part of my life gone.

Just like that.

I'm sorry, I know that's pathetic.

No. No, it's not.

It's not at all.

Thank you, Doctor, for your time and your courtesies.

You're a fine young man, your father must be proud of you.

Excuse me.

-This is harassment!

-I just want to give you my phone number in case...

What? I want to get in touch? No, thank you.

I've not handled this well.

I didn't know how else to get your attention

because you won't talk to me.

I could have followed you home

but that's definitely straying into stalker territory!

I don't want you in my life! I want nothing to do with you.

Please, take it. In case you change your mind.

Then I'll get lost. I promise.

I'm asking you nicely.

Please, stay away from me.

-It's the office camaraderie.

-A sense of belonging.

-Mm.

If it wasn't for my mortgage I'd have saved some money.

Taken, you know, one of those middle-aged gap year thingies.

I've never really fancied backpacking.

Oh, no, me neither. Always looks so...unhygienic.

No, I was thinking more like a round-the-world cruise.

Which has the advantage of being all-inclusive.

And I can take Geoffrey with me.

-Geoffrey?

-My kitty.

You can take dogs and cats on some cruises these days.

Cat. That's great.

And they last for months so there's time to learn a new hobby.

I've always fancied ballroom dancing

Oh, now you're talking!

You could learn to jive in Java or mamba in Mumbai.

Tango in Tonga!

The Cha-cha-cha in Chihuahua.

-Where is Chihuahua?

-I've no idea! You'd soon find out.

In my dreams.

It doesn't have to be a dream, not for you anyway.

How d'you get on with Andrei?

Well, squealed like the little pig he is

and named and shamed a host of others

but we've passed it onto SOCA, CEOP and the UK Border Agency.

Fantastic! That's a great result. Well done, boss.

-Team effort, Sergeant.

-I thought about popping in to see Ola later.

-No need, I followed up this morning.

-And how's baby Sofia?

Thriving.

You know, took to all that baby stuff like a duck to water.

It's not exactly rocket science, is it?

You tell my wife that!

-Can I have that report on my desk as soon as possible, please?

-Yeah.

What was that out there?

Nothing.

Oh, yeah, it's totally normal behaviour to bawl out at a patient

-in the middle of the car park(!)

-She's not a patient.

Not your usual type.

She says she's my sister...

-..half sister, that is.

-No way.

-I didn't know you were Muslim?

-I'm NOT! Just leave it, will you?

I just want her to go but she won't listen.

Got it.

Do you want me to have a word?

-Compensation4US?

-The clue's in the name.

I hate it! Most of the claims are a load of old bull

-but your accident's bona fide.

-How did you know about that?

I heard you talking about it with your boss.

-You were spying on me?

-Oh, no! The door was open.

And I wouldn't mention it but your case is cut and dried.

You're genuinely entitled.

To what?

Enough for a round-the-world cruise.

I'm Jas, Kevin's friend.

-Nadia.

-I know who you are.

He only found out I existed on Friday and isn't taking it well,

which is why I'm out here and he's in there.

-Stubborn git isn't he?

-You could say that.

So am I. Maybe it runs in the family.

Look, I think you should leave.

You can't just stand out here all day.

It beats bursting into his consulting room.

Actually, I tried that on Friday and look where it got me!

You're nothing but an ambulance chaser!

No.

Technically, yes.

I wouldn't have brought it up

if I didn't think you had a cast iron case.

I mean, look at your knee. That's a clear case of negligence.

This isn't a coincidence, this is fate.

The path of new adventure beckons to you.

-You want me to sue my boss?

-You're a temp.

-A week from now they'll have forgotten all about you.

-Wrong!

They're throwing me a goodbye party.

No, not goodbye but "adieu".

Their insurance will cover it.

You don't understand. These people are my friends.

I can't believe I fell for your lies!

Don't you ever dare try and come near me again

or I will call the police.

Valerie? You've got it wrong I...

Valerie! Valerie, wait! I was trying to help.

-OK, can you do me a favour?

-Mm-hm.

Do you mind giving my card to him? He'll take it from you.

Mrs Tembe! Whoa, that's my lunch!

The temperature of this fridge

has been allowed to rise above 41 degrees Fahrenheit.

Thus rendering the content unsafe to eat.

There's nothing unsafe about my parmigiana di melanzane!

Nevertheless I cannot allow for one of my staff

to contract food poisoning in the workplace.

Mrs Tembe, you must desist from this lunacy.

And I must refuse.

And remind you that, in my capacity as Health and Safety Lead

and Infections Control Co-ordinator,

on this occasion, Dr Carter, I outrank you.

This is PREPOSTEROUS!

I took the precaution of laminating them

to avoid any further attempts at sabotage!

Scissors?

This is what I think... Ah-ha, see?

..of your puerile childish posters!

How dare you!

And now the rest.

I forbid you to take one step further.

STAND aside, Mrs Tembe!

Never, Dr Carter!

Will somebody please tell me what the hell is going on?

She's gone.

-She's all right, you know.

-Best mates now are you?

-Maybe you should hear her out?

-Maybe, you should mind your own business!

She just didn't want to leave before making sure you could contact her.

You having a laugh?

Strikes me she's somebody you might like to get to know.

Some support you are.

You asked me to get rid of her and I have!

"Oh, thanks for that, Jas." Yeah, don't mention it, mate!

-Thank for that, Jas.

-Yeah, whatever.

KNOCK ON DOOR Yeah.

That was quick.

Undercover cop and pen pusher extraordinaire.

I like to be versatile.

From the adoption evening.

You're as subtle as a flying brick, Sergeant, and about as welcome.

But you were so natural with the mothering stuff.

Adoption agencies are crying out for people like you.

-I don't think so.

-Why?

-Children need a father.

-Not always.

I got where I am DESPITE mine, not because of him.

Spare me the tales of your tragic childhood.

Boss...

Lyn.

No-one ever went to their death bed

wishing that they'd spent more time at the office.

And spare me your fortune cookie philosophy.

And what happened between us was...

I don't know what you're talking about. It was an op.

Job done.

That will be all, Sergeant.

Mrs Tembe, this is utter foolishness. Howard?

On the contrary. Sterling work, Mrs Tembe.

-"Sterling"? It's rubbish!

-Thank you, Mr Bellamy.

Everything in life involves a degree of jeopardy.

Absolutely, what if one of the posters falls off the wall

and someone slips on the laminate?

Or someone leans across a boiling kettle to read one of the signs

and their face gets scalded by the steam.

Exactly. As a man on the front line

you must be used to the concept of risk.

Risks must be identified and contained.

Those failing to do so must be considered a liability.

-Hear, hear!

-Et tu, Mrs Tembe.

Don't forget, leaving drinks for Valerie in the Icon bar.

I will see you in hell first!

What time d'you make it?

'Three minutes to eight.'

And you've brought me nada, niet, a big fat nothing.

Do you know what? Don't bother coming in for your P45.

I'll drop it off in the post.

'Oh, not so fast.

'Careless driver - put his car in the wrong gear,

'backed over a pedestrian on the pavement.

'Fully comp insurance, liability uncontestable.

'Broken ankle, lower back damage, head lacerations,

'sustained injuries, loss of earnings - the works!

'Looking at a six-figure settlement!'

We are looking at sales team of the year, Craig.

Where the hell are you, mate?

You jammy beggar.

It just needs a signature.

Come on then!

And well done, mate. And I can see a bonus coming your way, yeah?

And a promotion.

The best thing is it's genuine.

Unlike most of the claims we process.

Can we hurry up, mate?

Which is why, I've decided to put it through a genuine firm.

Not this seedy little outfit.

Don't worry about the P45...

once the money's through I might take a gap year.

Maybe even a round-the-world cruise.

Can someone remind me why we're all here?

It's our way of saying sorry to Valerie.

And seeing as you are the culpable one,

make sure you are the sorriest of all.

-Your round, boss.

-I got the last one.

You can drag a horse to the pub but you can't make it buy a drink.

I don't think she's coming. Can't we all just...?

Ooh, stand by. Remember what I said.

THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD

Why would you do it like that?

Ravioli?

-Oh, yeah...

-Pan-fried duck breast.

PHONE RINGING

-Do you want anything?

-Yeah, goujons, please.

-Scampi and walnuts?!

-It's amazing, you never tried it?

That sounds disgusting!

-Howard? What're you doing here?

-You invited me.

It's several days since we last...

I'm just tired!

What the hell d'you know?! You're just nurses.

So our opinions don't count?

Something's terribly wrong here.

If I see one more set of quivering,

hairy buttocks I'll spontaneously combust.

I'm talking about...

-Yes?

-Sex.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd