All Because the Lady Loves Doctors


All Because the Lady Loves

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SHE HUMS

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SHE SIGHS

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Good morning, Mrs Tembe.

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Ah! Good morning, Doctor Carter. And how are you today?

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Capital!

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Are we expecting royalty?

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I am just doing a bit of tidying up.

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Mr Bellamy is returning mid-morning.

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-You know how he likes things...

-Ship-shape and borstal fashion.

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Oh, his bark is worse than his bite.

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I think it is his army training.

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-And we all like to do things our own way.

-Indeed.

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Otherwise, life would be very boring.

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CAR CLUNKS

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Bloomin' useless, stupid, pigging heap of scrap...

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Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's happened?

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I got as far as the High Street. It's been on the blink for ages.

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And I've told you about it, but would you do anything? No!

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Too busy playing undercover hero and general saviour of the universe.

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I'm sure it's nothing too serious.

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I'll have a quick look and you'll be on your way within the hour.

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I promise.

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Yeah. Well, we all know about those.

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-Oops, sorry.

-Clumsy!

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Ooh, get you and your posh coffee! Ours not good enough?

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-I think Howard bulk-buys it from the pound shop.

-Probably.

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Leaving patients waiting. Most unprofessional.

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It is a good job that Mr Bellamy is not back yet.

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Yeah, well, while the cat's away, Mrs Tembe...

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Oh, I am so sorry. Can I help you?

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Nadia Ahmed. To see Doctor Tyler.

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Me?

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Is that a problem?

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Well, no. I just thought, with your...

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I can talk to men, you know.

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Yeah, of course. Sorry.

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Dr Tyler has a drop-in clinic.

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I know.

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Perhaps you would like to go through?

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Er, yeah. Of course. If you'd like to go round...

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Useless load of scrap!

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Oh, dear! We'll just have to buy a new one.

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No, I'll get it in the garage tomorrow.

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You will not!

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I'm not driving that old banger another inch.

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What are you talking about? It's done us proud, this has.

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It's the oldest one in the street! And the practice.

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And it's ugly. And I'm sick of it.

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I'd like to get you a new car, love, but if we don't really need one...

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Oh! Would that be like all the ridiculously expensive fishing rods

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you keep buying?

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-And how long do the headaches last?

-An hour, two.

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Kind of round here.

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-And blurred vision?

-Sometimes.

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Do you have good eyesight?

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Er... 20/20, last check.

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Me too!

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Is that your doctor-in-distress face?

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HE CHUCKLES

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Er...no. It's just...

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Your symptoms could indicate temporal arteritis.

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Is that serious?

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Well, if not treated, it can lead to loss of sight.

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But I'm a bit hesitant, as it doesn't affect people under 50.

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Oh. Really??

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Do eye problems run in the family?

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-Are you OK?

-Fine, apart from the headache!

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Do you have a family?

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Er, I don't...discuss personal issues with patients.

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That's a no, then.

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Sorry. None of my business.

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I could murder a cuppa.

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Don't be like this.

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Why...don't you go in Suzy's car?

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It's in for it's 500-mile service. It being brand new.

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HER husband thought she was worth it.

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Have we got any biscuits?

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Nope.

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You told me I was buying too many.

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Clearly, watching your waistline for the ladies at work.

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Oh, pack it in! Nothing happened.

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If you say so.

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You're just playing games now.

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No, I'm just reading a magazine.

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OK! Let's go and have a look.

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Right. Come on.

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What, now...?

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You can stay here if you want.

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But...

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HE SIGHS

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You don't have a fever and I don't think it's meningitis.

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Is it OK if I feel your temples?

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Of course. My hijab won't bite.

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Right. OK. So...

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They're not prominent or particularly tender...

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Erm, look...

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I'm not an expert on this condition,

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so I suggest you see Doctor Carter.

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-Don't you trust your own judgement?

-It's usual to seek a second opinion.

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I'll phone reception and make sure Doctor Carter

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-is able to fit you in.

-But I...

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If you don't want it, that's fine. But that's my recommendation.

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Right. OK.

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I'll just...

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KAREN GROANS

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You said new, not second hand!

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I didn't mean 'new' new.

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When have we ever had a 'new' new car..?

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Ooh, I've always wanted one of these!

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You are joking, aren't you?

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We want something that's practical, comfortable,

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-easy to source parts for...

-We've done all that.

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We need something with a bit of spark...

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Well, you've certainly found yourselves a real beauty there.

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Small, racy, and in fantastic condition for her age.

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Old cars can be a nightmare. They're hard to maintain.

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No!

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Just a little special attention every now and again

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to bring out their finer qualities.

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-Is that so?

-Absolutely.

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Then, they're a pleasure to handle - smooth, pliable...

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Fantastic ride...

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..great torque.

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I bet you can handle a bit of thrust.

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-Well, keeps one young, doesn't it?

-Yeah, OK. OK, that's enough.

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Oh, it's so gorgeous!

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Come on, Rob. You know you want to.

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Leave the bonnet frotting to Lady Gaga.

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Like you know who she is!

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OK, what's the spec on this one?

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While the cat's away...

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Oh! You gave me a fright.

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I was just doing some...

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So I see.

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Do you like the colour?

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It...It is fresh, but masculine.

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Calm, but energising.

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It's perfect.

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I can see what care you've taken here, Mrs Tembe.

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Well, I... Well, I have a...

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Even the paperweight.

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Practical.

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Perfect to use as a missile if one of the doctors misbehaves...

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SHE LAUGHS

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Well. Are you happy?

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Great(!)

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Family saloon with multiple airbags and integrated Teasmaid.

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Don't know what you talking about.

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I bought the sports car.

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SHE SQUEALS

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I can't believe it. Thank you! How did you persuade him?

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He didn't persuade me, did you? It's a present for my lovely wife.

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It...it's my money too!

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-What's the catch?

-There isn't a catch.

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Just give me the keys and I'll drive it out of here for you.

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Step away from the wheels, sunshine! This baby is mine.

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SHOUTS: Thank you!

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ENGINE REVS LOUDLY

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He was very pleased with the colour.

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But I will not tell you what he said about the paperweight.

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Mmm, right.

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Ooh, can I help you, Mrs Juggins?

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SHE SCREAMS

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Oh, my goodness!

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Now, you take care, now.

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How did that liquid get there?

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Thank goodness it was not one of our patients that slipped.

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Oh! My knee!

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I think I've shattered my coccyx.

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Oh, dear! Now, can you walk?

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You better fetch one of the doctors.

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SHE LAUGHS

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Oh, this is the life!

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It's better than that old banger any day of the week.

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Mmm!

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RADIO: # Since we've been together... #

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Aww! Remember when we were courting?

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Who'd have thought you could get up to so much

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in the back of a Moggy Thousand?

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-We're in a 30 zone, love.

-Oh, don't be such a big girl!

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Keep your eyes on the road!

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SHE GASPS

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Well, you've still got full movement in it

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-and it hasn't started swelling...

-Shouldn't I go to A&E?

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A friend of mine delayed going once and her whole leg got infected,

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-they nearly had to chop it off...

-It's probably just a light sprain.

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Oh, well...I'll probably need a couple of days off.

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-I've got sensitive bones. It runs in the...

-But it IS just a sprain?

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Well, at least the rest of the day?

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You'll be fine.

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You just need a bit of rest and to stay off your feet.

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Great.

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That is fortunate.

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But I still do not know how the coffee got there.

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The patients know that they are not allowed to...

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Doctor Tyler.

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Kevin?

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When he returned this morning.

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How could I not have noticed? Oh, that is most lax.

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Most.

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Mr Bellamy will be most upset.

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I will have to have strong words.

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If the coffee here didn't taste like seaweed, he wouldn't have been...

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Right, I have to get back to my patients.

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HORN BLARES Oi!

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Other people on the road, you pillock!

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Hey, I know! Let's take her to the Mill and show her off.

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No, they'll see it tomorrow.

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Oh, come on! Let's live dangerously.

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HORN BLARES

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Emma says I must stay off my feet as much as possible.

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I was very lucky. Actually, it's a miracle I'm not in hospital...

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Really?

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I'll see you in a couple of weeks, Mrs Evans.

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Right. Who's next?

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He hasn't turned up, so you can have a sneaky break.

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All right for some.

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Oh, I'd watch it, though, cos she's after you.

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Who? That girl? Yeah, I know. She's a bit weird, isn't she?

0:11:510:11:54

No, Mrs Tembe. About the coffee and my fractured leg.

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Absolute murder, it is.

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Sorry, who's after you?

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Whoa!

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CAR ENGINE RUMBLES

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Was that Karen?!

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Sweet!

0:12:110:12:13

What did you do?!

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Don't ask.

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What are you doing here?

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There are patients waiting,

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and the desk is unattended.

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We're having a bit of Top Gear time, Mrs Tembe.

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Take a look at this beauty.

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Yes, well... I suppose the body work looks OK.

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OK?! It's magnificent!

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Bit of a Lewis Hamilton, are you, Karen?

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If she wasn't my wife, I would have arrested her.

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-Come on, Mrs Tembe, I'll take you for a test drive.

-No, no, no.

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-I have to get back to work...

-We'll be back before you know it!

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SHE LAUGHS

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Ooh!

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Well, your blood pressure is normal, your scalp is not sore,

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you're not hyper-sensitive to light...

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Does Doctor Tyler often pass patients on?

0:12:540:12:56

It's standard procedure if you're not sure of a diagnosis.

0:12:560:12:59

So, he's a good doctor?

0:13:000:13:02

Well, the staff here are all excellent.

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Right.

0:13:050:13:07

Of course.

0:13:070:13:08

Does he have family? Girlfriend?

0:13:110:13:13

Sorry. Personal information.

0:13:140:13:16

You could be developing a migraine,

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but maybe I think it could be a stress response.

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Right.

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And if it doesn't improve, I should go back and see Doctor Tyler?

0:13:220:13:25

Erm. Give it a few days.

0:13:250:13:27

Here's some painkillers to be getting on with.

0:13:270:13:30

See how it goes...

0:13:300:13:31

Thank you.

0:13:310:13:33

So, you all get on well...?

0:13:330:13:35

Good luck settling in.

0:13:350:13:37

OK, then. Bye.

0:13:370:13:40

KAREN CHEERS

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Makes you feel young again, doesn't it?

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Hey, on sunny days, I could drive you into work.

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No! No, that is fine. Thank you.

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Anyone else want to see what this baby can do?

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Nah, you're all right.

0:14:010:14:03

They're just jealous.

0:14:070:14:09

Have you finished showing off, dear?

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Oh!

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Doctor Tyler. Why did you not clear up the spillage this morning?

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I didn't notice. Sorry.

0:14:190:14:20

In future, any such spillages need to be reported to me

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-so I can take the appropriate action.

-It was only a bit of coffee

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and Valerie's fine. You need to chill out, Mrs Tembe.

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What if it had been a patient? Hmm?

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Lawyers, personal injury claims...

0:14:350:14:38

It could get very ugly.

0:14:380:14:40

Fine. Whatever. Mrs Simpson?

0:14:400:14:42

I'll be more careful with my guerrilla coffee runs in future.

0:14:420:14:45

You should not be making guerrilla coffee runs at all...

0:14:450:14:48

There's a speed camera.

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Never any film in them anyway!

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That's because they're digital these days.

0:14:540:14:57

You don't have a clue, do you?

0:14:570:15:00

In fact, if you'd had checked

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the oil and water in the old car occasionally,

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it wouldn't have conked out.

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Careful! It's an old engine.

0:15:060:15:07

It's not going to last five minutes at this rate.

0:15:070:15:09

-It's not me, it's the gear box.

-Yeah, of course it is!

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I'm a better driver than you, anyway.

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HE SCOFFS

0:15:160:15:17

Is that right? You've just missed the turning.

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Eh? Oh.

0:15:190:15:21

That's illegal!

0:15:230:15:25

SHE GIGGLES Give it a rest!

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SIREN WAILS

0:15:300:15:32

-Hiya.

-Hi!

0:15:350:15:37

Are these cos of Valerie?

0:15:370:15:39

Yep. Coffeegate.

0:15:400:15:42

Crikey.

0:15:420:15:44

I'd hate to see what she'd be like with a code red.

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SHE GIGGLES

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-I appreciate it.

-No worries, boss.

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And I promise I'll keep her on a leash in future.

0:15:500:15:53

On a leash?? In your dreams.

0:15:530:15:56

-Did you want him to charge you?

-No.

0:15:560:15:58

Well, then.

0:15:580:16:00

I get the message. No U-turns, no speeding.

0:16:000:16:03

I haven't ruled out arresting you myself yet.

0:16:030:16:05

Right.

0:16:170:16:18

See? Just because it's a sports car

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doesn't mean you have to thrape it like an idiot.

0:16:240:16:28

You're driving in the middle of the road!

0:16:300:16:32

No, I'm not.

0:16:320:16:34

You were! I just stopped you.

0:16:340:16:35

HORN BLARES

0:16:380:16:40

There's a queue of cars behind you.

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There's nothing wrong with my driving.

0:16:420:16:45

I'll let you know that I got the highest advanced test score

0:16:450:16:48

the examiner had ever seen.

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He said it was that good, I could've been a Grand Prix driver.

0:16:490:16:53

PEDESTRIAN CROSSING BEEPS

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SHE LAUGHS

0:17:020:17:03

SKIDDING AND CRASHING

0:17:030:17:06

What is this? Health and safety for remedials?

0:17:090:17:13

Mrs Tembe's on one because of Valerie's wooden leg act.

0:17:130:17:17

Do they think we're idiots?! Of course we'll tidy up.

0:17:170:17:21

-Ooh!

-HE CHUCKLES

0:17:210:17:23

You'll be in her bad books for at least a year.

0:17:230:17:26

I don't think so.

0:17:260:17:28

Oh, it's ruined.

0:17:300:17:31

It's not, it's fine. It's just the paint from the other car.

0:17:310:17:35

The prannock was too close.

0:17:350:17:36

Nothing to do with the fact that you stalled it,

0:17:360:17:39

Mr Best-Advanced-Driver-Ever?

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Mrs Random-U-Turn-At-40-Miles-An-Hour.

0:17:410:17:44

At least I didn't prang a brand new car!

0:17:440:17:46

Oh, sorry. New to us.

0:17:460:17:48

Oh, you're never satisfied, are you?

0:17:480:17:51

Ah!

0:17:540:17:56

Do you know what has happened to the posters?

0:17:580:18:01

Posters? What posters?

0:18:010:18:03

Why don't I make you a nice sarnie?

0:18:110:18:14

I'm not hungry.

0:18:140:18:15

You know, I really enjoyed today. Despite the obvious.

0:18:150:18:20

I think you're right.

0:18:200:18:22

I think that car can be really good for us.

0:18:220:18:24

We could take it for a drive down to the coast when it's warm.

0:18:240:18:28

-Maybe.

-Go to the hotel where we had our honeymoon.

0:18:280:18:30

You've always wanted to go back.

0:18:300:18:32

-It's probably full of surf bums by now.

-Well, we can try it!

0:18:320:18:35

Get you in the sea with your lovely big smile,

0:18:350:18:37

like a little mermaid.

0:18:370:18:39

I think you're right. It'll be good.

0:18:390:18:42

And when you're not using it, I'll drive it to work.

0:18:420:18:45

-Stop right there.

-What?

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I know what you're like.

0:18:470:18:48

Give you an inch and you'll be in it all the time,

0:18:480:18:50

-Middle-Aged Penis Extensions-R-Us.

-No, I won't!

0:18:500:18:53

Yes, you will.

0:18:530:18:54

And anyway, I don't need an extension. I'm man enough.

0:18:540:18:57

-If you say so.

-Oh, come on, Boss. You can let me have a go in it.

0:18:570:19:01

Boss?! Did you just call me "Boss?"

0:19:010:19:04

-No.

-You're thinking about her all the time, aren't you?

0:19:040:19:07

-It was a slip of the tongue.

-You didn't buy that car for me!

0:19:070:19:10

You bought it to impress your other wife.

0:19:100:19:12

That is ridiculous.

0:19:120:19:14

Undercover marriage.

0:19:150:19:17

How stupid do you think I am??

0:19:180:19:20

Is everything all right, Mrs Tembe?

0:19:220:19:24

Oh, Dr Carter, what a day I have had!

0:19:240:19:27

First, the spillage, Miss Pitman's injury,

0:19:270:19:30

and now, some irresponsible vandal has removed the posters completely.

0:19:300:19:34

Well, I fear that "irresponsible vandal" may have been me.

0:19:340:19:38

You? But why?

0:19:380:19:41

I appreciate your motive, but your method is disproportionate.

0:19:410:19:45

We don't need these over-prescriptive,

0:19:450:19:47

nanny state posters.

0:19:470:19:49

Really? Well, that is most unsupportive!

0:19:490:19:53

It makes the place look untidy and rather amateurish.

0:19:530:19:56

No more posters.

0:19:560:19:57

Well, I will just run that by Mr Bellamy.

0:19:570:19:59

I know I put you through it.

0:20:090:20:12

And I know I might have been naive.

0:20:120:20:15

But I have been honest. Eventually.

0:20:160:20:19

When I found out, you mean.

0:20:200:20:22

It's just been weird with the kids going...

0:20:240:20:26

..and things between us being...

0:20:290:20:31

a bit funny.

0:20:310:20:33

I just...

0:20:350:20:37

I haven't felt that I've been needed.

0:20:370:20:39

And then...

0:20:410:20:42

..a really serious job comes along and I get appreciated,

0:20:430:20:47

and all the stuff with the baby, it just seemed to fill a gap...

0:20:470:20:51

And, yeah, I have to admit, it's felt...

0:20:510:20:54

confusing.

0:20:540:20:55

But nothing happened.

0:20:560:20:58

Karen...

0:20:590:21:00

Nobody can replace you.

0:21:020:21:05

Karen...

0:21:050:21:07

You're wild, you're funny...

0:21:070:21:10

you're honest... I love you.

0:21:100:21:13

I always have...

0:21:150:21:17

and I always will.

0:21:170:21:18

I'd never do anything that could...

0:21:180:21:21

blow it between us. I'd never forgive myself.

0:21:210:21:24

What do I have to do to convince you?

0:21:260:21:29

I just...

0:21:300:21:31

I want you to be open with me.

0:21:330:21:37

I'm serious, Rob.

0:21:380:21:40

OK.

0:21:400:21:42

OK.

0:21:440:21:46

SHE SNORTS

0:21:460:21:48

Yes, m'Lady.

0:21:480:21:50

You big dafty!

0:21:510:21:53

Seriously...

0:21:550:21:57

I don't know what I would do without you.

0:21:580:22:00

CAR ALARM BEEPS

0:22:020:22:04

Is that ours?

0:22:050:22:07

I don't know.

0:22:070:22:09

It is!

0:22:090:22:11

Oi! No!

0:22:120:22:13

Oi! Oi! That's my car!

0:22:180:22:21

I'm ever so, ever so sorry. It's new.

0:22:210:22:23

-Try the fob!

-I do know that.

0:22:230:22:25

What do you think you're doing?

0:22:270:22:29

Don Pratt. Wayling Debt Collection.

0:22:320:22:34

We're here to collect the outstanding £2,000 owed on that car.

0:22:340:22:37

-What??

-It's called a logbook loan, love.

0:22:370:22:40

Basically, the bloke who sold that car to the showroom

0:22:400:22:43

hadn't paid the finance.

0:22:430:22:45

The logbooks faked?!

0:22:450:22:47

Well, that's nothing to do with us.

0:22:470:22:49

We've paid the full price, fair and square,

0:22:490:22:52

so you can go back to your boss and tell him to take a hike,

0:22:520:22:54

-can't he, Rob?

-Er, actually, no.

0:22:540:22:56

As owners, we're liable.

0:22:560:22:58

What?! You didn't check before you bought it?!

0:22:580:23:01

You were so keen, I forgot.

0:23:010:23:03

You should have really done an HPI search online, mate.

0:23:030:23:06

It only costs you 20 quid.

0:23:060:23:07

I do know that. I'm a policeman.

0:23:070:23:10

Yeah. We'd gathered that, mate.

0:23:100:23:12

2,000 quid?!

0:23:160:23:17

I take it you're not paying me, then? No?

0:23:180:23:21

No.

0:23:210:23:23

Right. OK!

0:23:230:23:24

It's daylight robbery!

0:23:250:23:28

What are we supposed to do for a car?

0:23:280:23:31

Don't worry, I'll sort something.

0:23:310:23:34

I'm going to phone the garage.

0:23:340:23:36

You should have seen the look on Mrs Tembe's face.

0:23:390:23:42

Then Heston turns up and I left them to it.

0:23:420:23:44

-Rather him than me.

-What are we going to do for lunch? I'm hungry.

0:23:440:23:48

Actually, I think I might skip it and just get a sarny.

0:23:480:23:51

That's the girl from the waiting room. I think you've pulled.

0:23:510:23:54

-Kevin? Kevin!

-Doctor Tyler.

0:23:550:23:58

-Whatever.

-Look, I'm sorry, I'm really busy.

0:23:580:24:00

If you need any more advice, speak to Doctor Carter.

0:24:000:24:04

Actually, it's you I want to talk to. It's personal.

0:24:040:24:06

Yeah, well, I don't do personal.

0:24:060:24:08

-I'm afraid you might not have much choice in this case.

-I think I do.

0:24:080:24:11

-Are you sure about that?

-Yeah.

-Cos I'm your sister.

0:24:110:24:15

I'm sorry.

0:24:180:24:19

Well, nothing we can do about it now.

0:24:210:24:23

Or is there?

0:24:260:24:28

I cannot apologise enough, Mr Hollins.

0:24:330:24:35

We're... I'm normally so careful.

0:24:350:24:37

Mistakes happen.

0:24:370:24:39

Yeah, well, I'll chase it up with the seller.

0:24:390:24:41

I'm only sorry that you couldn't get to keep it.

0:24:430:24:45

Yeah, well, it was probably a bit mutton anyway.

0:24:450:24:48

What?! Not at all!

0:24:480:24:49

No, you looked fantastic.

0:24:490:24:50

Listen, we'll wave the difference for the inconvenience.

0:24:520:24:56

Oh, thank you!

0:24:590:25:01

-My pleasure.

-Oh, and the er...?

0:25:010:25:04

-All sorted.

-Thanks.

0:25:040:25:06

Come on!

0:25:060:25:09

-Oh!

-It's lovely.

0:25:110:25:12

And it's got a really spacious boot. The seats go down and everything...

0:25:140:25:17

What is it with you and boots?

0:25:170:25:19

You are my mermaid,

0:25:380:25:39

my Lady Penelope...

0:25:390:25:41

..and my Marilyn all rolled into one.

0:25:430:25:45

I'm really sorry.

0:25:520:25:53

I didn't mean for it to come out like that.

0:25:530:25:56

I know it must be a massive shock.

0:25:560:25:58

It was for me.

0:25:580:26:00

I've thought about nothing else for two weeks.

0:26:000:26:03

I've not handled this very well, have I?

0:26:050:26:08

I just wanted to see you.

0:26:110:26:12

Then, once I'd seen you,

0:26:140:26:16

I kind of panicked and wanted to find out everything about you.

0:26:160:26:21

Must have seemed really weird.

0:26:210:26:23

I'm sorry, but it's the best plan I could come up with.

0:26:230:26:27

-Don't you want to know... ?

-No! I don't.

0:26:280:26:31

You've got no right walking into my life like this.

0:26:310:26:34

I don't owe you anything.

0:26:340:26:36

I don't want to know you. In fact, I'm sorry I ever saw you.

0:26:360:26:39

And if you're still here by the time I get back, I'm calling the police.

0:26:390:26:42

Did she mention the "S" word?

0:26:500:26:52

Miss Pitman will not sue, Mr Bellamy.

0:26:520:26:54

-Are you following me?

-I'm not a weirdo.

0:26:540:26:56

Stand aside, Mrs Tembe!

0:26:560:26:58

Never, Doctor Carter.

0:26:580:27:00

Somebody tell me what the hell is going on!

0:27:000:27:02

Are you free for lunch?

0:27:020:27:03

Adoption agencies are crying out for people like you.

0:27:030:27:06

I don't think so.

0:27:060:27:08

-You were spying on me?

-Oh, no! The door was open.

0:27:080:27:12

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