All Because the Lady Loves Doctors

SHE HUMS

SHE SIGHS

Good morning, Mrs Tembe.

Ah! Good morning, Doctor Carter. And how are you today?

Capital!

Are we expecting royalty?

I am just doing a bit of tidying up.

Mr Bellamy is returning mid-morning.

-You know how he likes things...

-Ship-shape and borstal fashion.

Oh, his bark is worse than his bite.

I think it is his army training.

-And we all like to do things our own way.

-Indeed.

Otherwise, life would be very boring.

CAR CLUNKS

Bloomin' useless, stupid, pigging heap of scrap...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's happened?

I got as far as the High Street. It's been on the blink for ages.

And I've told you about it, but would you do anything? No!

Too busy playing undercover hero and general saviour of the universe.

I'm sure it's nothing too serious.

I'll have a quick look and you'll be on your way within the hour.

I promise.

Yeah. Well, we all know about those.

-Oops, sorry.

-Clumsy!

Ooh, get you and your posh coffee! Ours not good enough?

-I think Howard bulk-buys it from the pound shop.

-Probably.

Leaving patients waiting. Most unprofessional.

It is a good job that Mr Bellamy is not back yet.

Yeah, well, while the cat's away, Mrs Tembe...

Oh, I am so sorry. Can I help you?

Nadia Ahmed. To see Doctor Tyler.

Me?

Is that a problem?

Well, no. I just thought, with your...

I can talk to men, you know.

Yeah, of course. Sorry.

Dr Tyler has a drop-in clinic.

I know.

Perhaps you would like to go through?

Er, yeah. Of course. If you'd like to go round...

Useless load of scrap!

Oh, dear! We'll just have to buy a new one.

No, I'll get it in the garage tomorrow.

You will not!

I'm not driving that old banger another inch.

What are you talking about? It's done us proud, this has.

It's the oldest one in the street! And the practice.

And it's ugly. And I'm sick of it.

I'd like to get you a new car, love, but if we don't really need one...

Oh! Would that be like all the ridiculously expensive fishing rods

you keep buying?

-And how long do the headaches last?

-An hour, two.

Kind of round here.

-And blurred vision?

-Sometimes.

Do you have good eyesight?

Er... 20/20, last check.

Me too!

Is that your doctor-in-distress face?

HE CHUCKLES

Er...no. It's just...

Your symptoms could indicate temporal arteritis.

Is that serious?

Well, if not treated, it can lead to loss of sight.

But I'm a bit hesitant, as it doesn't affect people under 50.

Oh. Really??

Do eye problems run in the family?

-Are you OK?

-Fine, apart from the headache!

Do you have a family?

Er, I don't...discuss personal issues with patients.

That's a no, then.

Sorry. None of my business.

I could murder a cuppa.

Don't be like this.

Why...don't you go in Suzy's car?

It's in for it's 500-mile service. It being brand new.

HER husband thought she was worth it.

Have we got any biscuits?

Nope.

You told me I was buying too many.

Clearly, watching your waistline for the ladies at work.

Oh, pack it in! Nothing happened.

If you say so.

You're just playing games now.

No, I'm just reading a magazine.

OK! Let's go and have a look.

Right. Come on.

What, now...?

You can stay here if you want.

But...

HE SIGHS

You don't have a fever and I don't think it's meningitis.

Is it OK if I feel your temples?

Of course. My hijab won't bite.

Right. OK. So...

They're not prominent or particularly tender...

Erm, look...

I'm not an expert on this condition,

so I suggest you see Doctor Carter.

-Don't you trust your own judgement?

-It's usual to seek a second opinion.

I'll phone reception and make sure Doctor Carter

-is able to fit you in.

-But I...

If you don't want it, that's fine. But that's my recommendation.

Right. OK.

I'll just...

KAREN GROANS

You said new, not second hand!

I didn't mean 'new' new.

When have we ever had a 'new' new car..?

Ooh, I've always wanted one of these!

You are joking, aren't you?

We want something that's practical, comfortable,

-easy to source parts for...

-We've done all that.

We need something with a bit of spark...

Well, you've certainly found yourselves a real beauty there.

Small, racy, and in fantastic condition for her age.

Old cars can be a nightmare. They're hard to maintain.

No!

Just a little special attention every now and again

to bring out their finer qualities.

-Is that so?

-Absolutely.

Then, they're a pleasure to handle - smooth, pliable...

Fantastic ride...

..great torque.

I bet you can handle a bit of thrust.

-Well, keeps one young, doesn't it?

-Yeah, OK. OK, that's enough.

Oh, it's so gorgeous!

Come on, Rob. You know you want to.

Leave the bonnet frotting to Lady Gaga.

Like you know who she is!

OK, what's the spec on this one?

While the cat's away...

Oh! You gave me a fright.

I was just doing some...

So I see.

Do you like the colour?

It...It is fresh, but masculine.

Calm, but energising.

It's perfect.

I can see what care you've taken here, Mrs Tembe.

Well, I... Well, I have a...

Even the paperweight.

Practical.

Perfect to use as a missile if one of the doctors misbehaves...

SHE LAUGHS

Well. Are you happy?

Great(!)

Family saloon with multiple airbags and integrated Teasmaid.

Don't know what you talking about.

I bought the sports car.

SHE SQUEALS

I can't believe it. Thank you! How did you persuade him?

He didn't persuade me, did you? It's a present for my lovely wife.

It...it's my money too!

-What's the catch?

-There isn't a catch.

Just give me the keys and I'll drive it out of here for you.

Step away from the wheels, sunshine! This baby is mine.

SHOUTS: Thank you!

ENGINE REVS LOUDLY

He was very pleased with the colour.

But I will not tell you what he said about the paperweight.

Mmm, right.

Ooh, can I help you, Mrs Juggins?

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, my goodness!

Now, you take care, now.

How did that liquid get there?

Thank goodness it was not one of our patients that slipped.

Oh! My knee!

I think I've shattered my coccyx.

Oh, dear! Now, can you walk?

You better fetch one of the doctors.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, this is the life!

It's better than that old banger any day of the week.

Mmm!

RADIO: # Since we've been together... #

Aww! Remember when we were courting?

Who'd have thought you could get up to so much

in the back of a Moggy Thousand?

-We're in a 30 zone, love.

-Oh, don't be such a big girl!

Keep your eyes on the road!

SHE GASPS

Well, you've still got full movement in it

-and it hasn't started swelling...

-Shouldn't I go to A&E?

A friend of mine delayed going once and her whole leg got infected,

-they nearly had to chop it off...

-It's probably just a light sprain.

Oh, well...I'll probably need a couple of days off.

-I've got sensitive bones. It runs in the...

-But it IS just a sprain?

Well, at least the rest of the day?

You'll be fine.

You just need a bit of rest and to stay off your feet.

Great.

That is fortunate.

But I still do not know how the coffee got there.

The patients know that they are not allowed to...

Doctor Tyler.

Kevin?

When he returned this morning.

How could I not have noticed? Oh, that is most lax.

Most.

Mr Bellamy will be most upset.

I will have to have strong words.

If the coffee here didn't taste like seaweed, he wouldn't have been...

Right, I have to get back to my patients.

HORN BLARES Oi!

Other people on the road, you pillock!

Hey, I know! Let's take her to the Mill and show her off.

No, they'll see it tomorrow.

Oh, come on! Let's live dangerously.

HORN BLARES

Emma says I must stay off my feet as much as possible.

I was very lucky. Actually, it's a miracle I'm not in hospital...

Really?

I'll see you in a couple of weeks, Mrs Evans.

Right. Who's next?

He hasn't turned up, so you can have a sneaky break.

All right for some.

Oh, I'd watch it, though, cos she's after you.

Who? That girl? Yeah, I know. She's a bit weird, isn't she?

No, Mrs Tembe. About the coffee and my fractured leg.

Absolute murder, it is.

Sorry, who's after you?

Whoa!

CAR ENGINE RUMBLES

Was that Karen?!

Sweet!

What did you do?!

Don't ask.

What are you doing here?

There are patients waiting,

and the desk is unattended.

We're having a bit of Top Gear time, Mrs Tembe.

Take a look at this beauty.

Yes, well... I suppose the body work looks OK.

OK?! It's magnificent!

Bit of a Lewis Hamilton, are you, Karen?

If she wasn't my wife, I would have arrested her.

-Come on, Mrs Tembe, I'll take you for a test drive.

-No, no, no.

-I have to get back to work...

-We'll be back before you know it!

SHE LAUGHS

Ooh!

Well, your blood pressure is normal, your scalp is not sore,

you're not hyper-sensitive to light...

Does Doctor Tyler often pass patients on?

It's standard procedure if you're not sure of a diagnosis.

So, he's a good doctor?

Well, the staff here are all excellent.

Right.

Of course.

Does he have family? Girlfriend?

Sorry. Personal information.

You could be developing a migraine,

but maybe I think it could be a stress response.

Right.

And if it doesn't improve, I should go back and see Doctor Tyler?

Erm. Give it a few days.

Here's some painkillers to be getting on with.

See how it goes...

Thank you.

So, you all get on well...?

Good luck settling in.

OK, then. Bye.

KAREN CHEERS

Makes you feel young again, doesn't it?

Hey, on sunny days, I could drive you into work.

No! No, that is fine. Thank you.

Anyone else want to see what this baby can do?

Nah, you're all right.

They're just jealous.

Have you finished showing off, dear?

Oh!

Doctor Tyler. Why did you not clear up the spillage this morning?

I didn't notice. Sorry.

In future, any such spillages need to be reported to me

-so I can take the appropriate action.

-It was only a bit of coffee

and Valerie's fine. You need to chill out, Mrs Tembe.

What if it had been a patient? Hmm?

Lawyers, personal injury claims...

It could get very ugly.

Fine. Whatever. Mrs Simpson?

I'll be more careful with my guerrilla coffee runs in future.

You should not be making guerrilla coffee runs at all...

There's a speed camera.

Never any film in them anyway!

That's because they're digital these days.

You don't have a clue, do you?

In fact, if you'd had checked

the oil and water in the old car occasionally,

it wouldn't have conked out.

Careful! It's an old engine.

It's not going to last five minutes at this rate.

-It's not me, it's the gear box.

-Yeah, of course it is!

I'm a better driver than you, anyway.

HE SCOFFS

Is that right? You've just missed the turning.

Eh? Oh.

That's illegal!

SHE GIGGLES Give it a rest!

SIREN WAILS

-Hiya.

-Hi!

Are these cos of Valerie?

Yep. Coffeegate.

Crikey.

I'd hate to see what she'd be like with a code red.

SHE GIGGLES

-I appreciate it.

-No worries, boss.

And I promise I'll keep her on a leash in future.

On a leash?? In your dreams.

-Did you want him to charge you?

-No.

Well, then.

I get the message. No U-turns, no speeding.

I haven't ruled out arresting you myself yet.

Right.

See? Just because it's a sports car

doesn't mean you have to thrape it like an idiot.

You're driving in the middle of the road!

No, I'm not.

You were! I just stopped you.

HORN BLARES

There's a queue of cars behind you.

There's nothing wrong with my driving.

I'll let you know that I got the highest advanced test score

the examiner had ever seen.

He said it was that good, I could've been a Grand Prix driver.

PEDESTRIAN CROSSING BEEPS

SHE LAUGHS

SKIDDING AND CRASHING

What is this? Health and safety for remedials?

Mrs Tembe's on one because of Valerie's wooden leg act.

Do they think we're idiots?! Of course we'll tidy up.

-Ooh!

-HE CHUCKLES

You'll be in her bad books for at least a year.

I don't think so.

Oh, it's ruined.

It's not, it's fine. It's just the paint from the other car.

The prannock was too close.

Nothing to do with the fact that you stalled it,

Mr Best-Advanced-Driver-Ever?

Mrs Random-U-Turn-At-40-Miles-An-Hour.

At least I didn't prang a brand new car!

Oh, sorry. New to us.

Oh, you're never satisfied, are you?

Ah!

Do you know what has happened to the posters?

Posters? What posters?

Why don't I make you a nice sarnie?

I'm not hungry.

You know, I really enjoyed today. Despite the obvious.

I think you're right.

I think that car can be really good for us.

We could take it for a drive down to the coast when it's warm.

-Maybe.

-Go to the hotel where we had our honeymoon.

You've always wanted to go back.

-It's probably full of surf bums by now.

-Well, we can try it!

Get you in the sea with your lovely big smile,

like a little mermaid.

I think you're right. It'll be good.

And when you're not using it, I'll drive it to work.

-Stop right there.

-What?

I know what you're like.

Give you an inch and you'll be in it all the time,

-Middle-Aged Penis Extensions-R-Us.

-No, I won't!

Yes, you will.

And anyway, I don't need an extension. I'm man enough.

-If you say so.

-Oh, come on, Boss. You can let me have a go in it.

Boss?! Did you just call me "Boss?"

-No.

-You're thinking about her all the time, aren't you?

-It was a slip of the tongue.

-You didn't buy that car for me!

You bought it to impress your other wife.

That is ridiculous.

Undercover marriage.

How stupid do you think I am??

Is everything all right, Mrs Tembe?

Oh, Dr Carter, what a day I have had!

First, the spillage, Miss Pitman's injury,

and now, some irresponsible vandal has removed the posters completely.

Well, I fear that "irresponsible vandal" may have been me.

You? But why?

I appreciate your motive, but your method is disproportionate.

We don't need these over-prescriptive,

nanny state posters.

Really? Well, that is most unsupportive!

It makes the place look untidy and rather amateurish.

No more posters.

Well, I will just run that by Mr Bellamy.

I know I put you through it.

And I know I might have been naive.

But I have been honest. Eventually.

When I found out, you mean.

It's just been weird with the kids going...

..and things between us being...

a bit funny.

I just...

I haven't felt that I've been needed.

And then...

..a really serious job comes along and I get appreciated,

and all the stuff with the baby, it just seemed to fill a gap...

And, yeah, I have to admit, it's felt...

confusing.

But nothing happened.

Karen...

Nobody can replace you.

Karen...

You're wild, you're funny...

you're honest... I love you.

I always have...

and I always will.

I'd never do anything that could...

blow it between us. I'd never forgive myself.

What do I have to do to convince you?

I just...

I want you to be open with me.

I'm serious, Rob.

OK.

OK.

SHE SNORTS

Yes, m'Lady.

You big dafty!

Seriously...

I don't know what I would do without you.

CAR ALARM BEEPS

Is that ours?

I don't know.

It is!

Oi! No!

Oi! Oi! That's my car!

I'm ever so, ever so sorry. It's new.

-Try the fob!

-I do know that.

What do you think you're doing?

Don Pratt. Wayling Debt Collection.

We're here to collect the outstanding £2,000 owed on that car.

-What??

-It's called a logbook loan, love.

Basically, the bloke who sold that car to the showroom

hadn't paid the finance.

The logbooks faked?!

Well, that's nothing to do with us.

We've paid the full price, fair and square,

so you can go back to your boss and tell him to take a hike,

-can't he, Rob?

-Er, actually, no.

As owners, we're liable.

What?! You didn't check before you bought it?!

You were so keen, I forgot.

You should have really done an HPI search online, mate.

It only costs you 20 quid.

I do know that. I'm a policeman.

Yeah. We'd gathered that, mate.

2,000 quid?!

I take it you're not paying me, then? No?

No.

Right. OK!

It's daylight robbery!

What are we supposed to do for a car?

Don't worry, I'll sort something.

I'm going to phone the garage.

You should have seen the look on Mrs Tembe's face.

Then Heston turns up and I left them to it.

-Rather him than me.

-What are we going to do for lunch? I'm hungry.

Actually, I think I might skip it and just get a sarny.

That's the girl from the waiting room. I think you've pulled.

-Kevin? Kevin!

-Doctor Tyler.

-Whatever.

-Look, I'm sorry, I'm really busy.

If you need any more advice, speak to Doctor Carter.

Actually, it's you I want to talk to. It's personal.

Yeah, well, I don't do personal.

-I'm afraid you might not have much choice in this case.

-I think I do.

-Are you sure about that?

-Yeah.

-Cos I'm your sister.

I'm sorry.

Well, nothing we can do about it now.

Or is there?

I cannot apologise enough, Mr Hollins.

We're... I'm normally so careful.

Mistakes happen.

Yeah, well, I'll chase it up with the seller.

I'm only sorry that you couldn't get to keep it.

Yeah, well, it was probably a bit mutton anyway.

What?! Not at all!

No, you looked fantastic.

Listen, we'll wave the difference for the inconvenience.

Oh, thank you!

-My pleasure.

-Oh, and the er...?

-All sorted.

-Thanks.

Come on!

-Oh!

-It's lovely.

And it's got a really spacious boot. The seats go down and everything...

What is it with you and boots?

You are my mermaid,

my Lady Penelope...

..and my Marilyn all rolled into one.

I'm really sorry.

I didn't mean for it to come out like that.

I know it must be a massive shock.

It was for me.

I've thought about nothing else for two weeks.

I've not handled this very well, have I?

I just wanted to see you.

Then, once I'd seen you,

I kind of panicked and wanted to find out everything about you.

Must have seemed really weird.

I'm sorry, but it's the best plan I could come up with.

-Don't you want to know... ?

-No! I don't.

You've got no right walking into my life like this.

I don't owe you anything.

I don't want to know you. In fact, I'm sorry I ever saw you.

And if you're still here by the time I get back, I'm calling the police.

Did she mention the "S" word?

Miss Pitman will not sue, Mr Bellamy.

-Are you following me?

-I'm not a weirdo.

Stand aside, Mrs Tembe!

Never, Doctor Carter.

Somebody tell me what the hell is going on!

Are you free for lunch?

Adoption agencies are crying out for people like you.

I don't think so.

-You were spying on me?

-Oh, no! The door was open.

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