If Music Be the Food of Love Doctors

# When that I was a little tiny boy

# With hey ho

# The wind and the rain

# A foolish thing was but a toy

# And the rain

# It raineth

# Every day

# Every day. #

Egg yolk, mustard or canary yellow?

Canary yellow. That shade's really you!

Yeah, Julia loves...vibrant colours.

Well, she's such a vibrant person.

And so stylish.

Are you sure these are trendy?

-Got a pair myself, mate.

-I want to look my best, I don't want to show her up.

You won't. Just remember to smile.

You've got a lovely smile, Barry.

Julia has often told me how much she likes it.

Is she here? I thought I might show myself off.

No, she's already gone to Stratford.

I tell you what, why don't you go now?

Then you could spend more time together.

How will I find her?

Come on, Bazza. Faint heart never won fair lady.

Now you go and you woo her.

Yes! Sod the job, for once.

I don't mean that, the job's important but...

Thank you.

You've helped me so much.

If I win Julia, it's partly down to you two.

Have we gone too far?

Yes.

Definitely.

# O mistress mine

# Where are you roaming?

# O stay and hear

# Your true love's coming

# That can sing both high and low

# Trip no further

# Pretty sweeting... #

-Alicia!

-Martin.

You're looking well.

Thank you. What are you doing here?!

I'm seeing Twelfth Night.

Oh, what a coincidence. So am I.

Yeah, the lady I told you about, Julia,

she won some tickets in a competition.

Julia!

Hi.

-Someone else I know. Alicia Hyde. Julia Parsons.

-Hi.

Alicia.

Julia! Lovely to meet you.

We've never met before?

-No, no, no, we haven't.

-Are you on your own?

Is it that obvious?

Why don't you join us for lunch? You don't mind, do you?

No, no, it's fine.

Well, just for lunch. I'm busy this afternoon.

Julia's chosen a restaurant, so it's bound to be good. Come on.

# There lies no plenty... #

I've met this man and I want to go on the pill.

OK. Right, well, we'll need to take your blood pressure,

but that should be fine.

Don't forget you need to use condoms too.

So...what's he like?

His name's Chris and he's lovely.

Older than me. He's 18. Well, I'm JUST 18.

Today, in fact. Happy birthday!

Thanks.

Chris has this lovely idea. He's got some Chinese lanterns.

We're going to get together and set them off to, you know, mark the day.

Where did you meet him?

I went to this party, I didn't know anyone there

and I was going to call my dad to pick me up.

Then I saw this lad sat on the stairs, on his own.

He smiled at me,

so I sat down by him...

It was instant.

We just clicked.

We sat there talking for hours,

and then we kissed. Nothing more.

That was two weeks ago. I've not seen him since.

He's just e-mailed me and said, "Let's meet up and celebrate your birthday."

Oh, so you've only seen him once?

He's been away for Easter with his family.

But we've talked loads over the phone and texts and e-mails.

He's not pressuring you into having sex?

No! He wouldn't have to anyway, I want to.

He's so different to other guys.

How?

You know what guys are like. One thing on their mind.

You go on a date and they stick their tongue down your throat

and their hand up your skirt and demand sex straight away.

If you say no, they get angry and call you a tease and a slag.

Sophie, you know no-one's got the right to treat you like that?

I know. That's why I want my first time to be with Chris.

I know I can trust him.

Right. I'll get us some drinks.

-Julia?

-Oh, gin and tonic, please.

-Alicia?

-Cranberry juice. Thanks.

Alicia Hyde?!

Obviously when I met him before, I didn't use my real name.

I pretended to be a businesswoman.

Fine. So what are you doing here?

Mrs Tembe couldn't come, she gave me her ticket.

Then I bumped into Martin. I didn't know he was going to be here!

You said you weren't going to ask him.

I changed my mind! We're just going to see the play

and then we're going to stay overnight in the hotel.

So it's back on? That's good!

No. It's... It's not a relationship. It can't be, can it? He's leaving.

It's just...

Well, you know... It's no strings, no complications.

Look, he only asked out of politeness.

As soon as lunch is over, I'll be out of your hair.

No, you won't because we're all going to be sitting together in the play.

This is crazy. We're just going to have to tell him your real name

and that we know each other.

-How?

-I don't know!

Why did you say we've never met?!

I panicked.

# When that I was a little tiny boy

# With hey ho

# The wind and the rain

# A foolish thing was but a toy

# And the rain, it raineth

# Every day. #

I want to see a doctor.

Do you have an appointment?

It's not for me. It's about a Sophie Martins. She's been here.

I can't discuss other patients. It's confidential.

-But she's my friend.

-That doesn't make any difference.

How would you like it if we gave your medical details to anyone who asked?

Look, she said she was coming here. Is she ill? Is something wrong?

-Please!

-Why don't you tell us who you are?

I'm Chris.

YOU'RE Chris?

Ye Olde English pub speciality is Ye Olde English Tikka Masala.

I know, it's a tourist trap. But I promise you, the food is great.

Anyway, everything round here is Ye Olde English Pub

or Shakespeare something.

What, Will's Burger Bar?

Now you may joke, but let me tell you,

there was a Will's Burger Bar.

and they served Will's burgers and Tempest-tossed salad

Quite an expert, aren't you? You're going to have to educate me.

It'd be my pleasure.

You know, really, I think I should be going.

Julia Parsons. So this is where you're hiding.

I know we'll see each other at the play,

but I thought I'd come down early and surprise you.

I always knew I liked girls.

Came out to my family when I was 15.

-I've just never really...

-Had a relationship before?

Soph's the first girl I've fancied, who's fancied me back.

So, what happened?

I was at this party. I didn't know anyone,

I was going to leave and then this gorgeous girl comes past.

She said hi. She sat down next to me on the stairs

and we just talked for hours.

It was just instant.

We had a kiss.

Then her dad came to collect her, and I heard her saying,

"I've met this lad."

Oh, so she thinks you're a boy?

I can't tell her without ruining it.

I'm seeing her tonight but...

I'm scared.

As soon as she realises, it'll be over.

She won't want to know.

Julia gave me a ticket to the show. She's a very generous woman.

I did win six of them in the competition.

So we'll all be sitting together then?

Well, in the same row.

Actually, El...

"Elicia" happens to be on that row as well which is a coincidence.

Of course, we don't all have to spend the afternoon together.

I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be.

This is delicious, Martin. Thank you.

Martin's getting the bill?

Yes, it's no problem.

Oh, no. I can't have that. Let me get the puddings at least

It's fine, Barry. I'll do it.

Julia never usually lets anyone pay.

I mean, she seems the type not to.

Anyone for some more salad? Alicia?

Who?

Do you know what, I'm going to... Yeah. Salad.

Me too. Get my five a day.

Must keep my strength up for later.

Yellow. Isn't it a lovely colour?

Barry, listen. Martin doesn't know that Elaine and I know each other.

He thinks her name is Alicia, not Elaine. It's very complicated...

No need to say another word.

Your wish is my command.

For once, just once, I would like to have a date

-that is not a catastrophe.

-Try not to get stressed. Breathe deeply.

What's the point?! That's not going to get rid of Barry or those yellow trousers.

Would it help if I stayed? At least I could distract him.

Yes, please. You could be saving his life cos if he carries on like this I'm going to kill him.

-Get off me!

-Please, Soph! Just listen!

-Don't touch me!

Were you in on this as well?

You think it's all some joke?

I'm not in on anything

She said I should just tell you the truth.

What, after lying to me for weeks?

I wasn't lying.

You're a girl. You pretended to be a boy.

I never pretended. You just thought I was.

All those e-mails, all those calls...

You could have told me. Why didn't you tell me?!

It was finding the right time. I knew if I told you it'd be over

and I wanted it to go on.

I meant everything I said, Soph. I love you.

I was going to sleep with you.

I still want to.

That's disgusting. I'm not a lesbian.

I'm normal! I go out with boys.

The only reason I fancied you is because I thought you were a boy.

Is that the only reason, Sophie?

You're a pervert.

Trying to turn me into something I'm not.

I never, ever want to see you again.

Are you all right?

She hates me.

Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.

Eh?

Shakespeare. Our receptionist, she's doing a quiz.

I never liked poetry.

Do you think you might know where she's gone?

We could to Anne Hathaway's cottage. We've got plenty of time.

-The film star?

-Not that Anne Hathaway!

Shakespeare's wife.

Here, Julia!

What did Shakespeare say to his missus?

I don't know.

My Anne Hath-A-Way with words.

No, wait a minute, I'm telling it wrong. She should say that to him.

Barry, listen, tell me about your new job. It sounds fascinating.

Acting Assistant Head of Campus Security.

It's a lot of responsibility,

but I've got to get through the interview before its official.

As the Bard says, "Some are born great, some achieve greatness

"and some have greatness thrust upon them."

Yep, I tell you what we need. A cup of tea. Or an ice cream.

-Have whatever you like, I'm buying.

-I'm good, thanks.

We've only just had lunch.

Well, I'll have a cup of tea. Thank you.

We'll wait here for you, shall we?

Quick! Let's do a runner.

Why is he behaving like this?

He seems to think he's on a date with YOU.

Well, he isn't! I mean, I know he's had a soft spot for me

but he's never been encouraged, I can assure you.

In fact, the opposite.

-Is he normally this eccentric?

-No, that's what I don't understand.

All the dressing like that and the grinning...

It's like he's unhinged.

He could be having a manic episode

or some kind of breakdown.

Oh, come on. He's harmless.

Or erotomania.

-Eroto what?!

-It's where the sufferer becomes obsessed by someone,

usually someone who's completely uninterested in them,

but they're convinced they return their feelings.

We need to talk to him calmly, find out the root of his delusion.

He's coming back.

What's up?

Have I splashed me trousers?

Mind if I join you?

SOPHIE SNIFFS

We're all worried about you.

Why? I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.

That's why! Because you're not being yourself.

I mean, the way you're dressed and all your smiling...

It's a bit OTT, don't you think?

No, this is the real me. I've found my true self

and it's all down to you, Julia.

Look, Barry, I don't know where you've got this idea from,

this delusion, but...

Barry, I'm a trained counsellor. You can talk to me.

You're treating me like I'm mad.

I'm as sane as any of YOU.

Except him.

I don't know him.

Julia, you know why I'm doing this.

No, I don't, Barry. I haven't got the faintest idea.

What am I going to do?

I've told everyone I've got a boyfriend.

I've put it on my Facebook page.

My parents know and they want to meet him.

Does it matter what people think?

-Course it matters!

-But what about you?

What do you think?

He... She tricked me

and probably finds it hilarious.

She doesn't, believe me.

-I'm not gay.

-All right.

-I'm not!

I want a lad and to have sex with a lad and be normal.

I thought I loved him.

I saw you when you talked about Chris.

You said this was someone you could trust,

the person you wanted to give your virginity to.

None of that was real.

OK.

But I've done this for you, Julia.

All of it.

I didn't ask you to.

You didn't have to ask. They told me what you liked.

-Who's they?

-Probably the Martians controlling his thoughts.

Martin, it's not funny.

It wasn't aliens. It was your doctors, Carmichael and Tyler.

"Wear yellow", they said. "Julia loves the colour.

"Julia loves it when you smile."

They even helped me choose the cigarette pants.

Looks like they're having you on, sunshine.

Barry, it's a cruel thing to do, but it's not Julia's fault.

But it was a date. You gave me a ticket.

That's how I knew it was true...

-that you wanted me.

-They were lying to you, Barry.

I'm sorry. I'm not here on a date with you,

I'm here on a date with Martin.

He's not going to throw himself in the river, is he?

I'll go after him.

Barry?

Hey, come on, mate. There's no need for this.

I'm not going to jump in.

I'm not a mental.

Just stand back from the edge, OK? I'd feel a lot happier.

I don't care about your happiness.

Look, mate. Someone's played a practical joke on you,

-made you look a right prat.

-All right! There's no need to rub it in.

Look in the water. What do you see?

Ducks.

Pond weed.

Drinks cans.

No, I mean, look at us.

I'm quite a catch,

especially with this new job.

I'm sensitive.

I care about what women want.

Why shouldn't Julia want me?

I dunno, mate. But she doesn't.

I'm just as good as you.

If not better.

All right.

You fight me for her, fair and square.

Don't be ridiculous.

Come on! What are you, a Pansy Potter?

Look, you're making yourself look more stupid than you already are!

Oh, my...

SPLASH

I don't think it's wrong. I shouldn't have said that.

I don't think lesbians are sick or immoral

or are going to hell.

I've always liked girls...

..always had these feelings.

I just thought it'd stop or I'd grow out of it.

I thought if I could sleep with a boy,

then I'd know I was straight.

Judging from what you've said,

you've always found dates with boys a bit miserable.

Everyone says the first time's difficult.

You've just got to get through it and it gets better.

Sex isn't an ordeal At least, it shouldn't be.

I've tried to like it with boys.

Like, the thought of it.

If I could just find the right person, then it wouldn't be

scary or difficult.

Maybe you have found the right person.

I want to get it right with BOYS. Chris is a GIRL.

Well, no-one's perfect.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, my goodness! What happened?!

-Erm...

-It's all right, you can tell them.

I can't be any more humiliated than I already am.

Look, Barry. Someone's played a very, very, nasty practical joke on you, on both of us,

and they had no business doing it, but I promise you, I honestly didn't know anything about it.

You never wanted me?

None of it was real? You don't have any feelings for me at all?

Not in the way you would like me to, no, Barry.

Right. Now that's cleared up, shall we go?

Alicia, nice to see you again.

Alicia?! That's not even her real name.

She's Dr Elaine Cassidy and she and Julia work together.

They've lied to you. Ask yourself, Martin, why is Julia lying?

And what else is she lying about?

You know what, if you want her, you're welcome.

She's been stringing me along for months.

I don't want anything to do with her.

I think I knew.

What, that Chris was actually Christina?

But I didn't want to know, so I kept on pretending.

You wanted to go on the pill.

I know! Mental.

No, it wasn't. It was just part of the fantasy.

But Chris isn't a fantasy.

She's real.

You've found someone you love

and who loves you. Just happens to be a girl.

Maybe you should give the relationship a go?

You know, see what happens.

I can't. She'll never want to see me again after what I said.

Maybe she will.

All right. Elaine and I do know each other.

and she volunteered to come and find you

and try and chat you up to see... Well, like a test.

It was entirely my idea.

It's just the whole thing seemed too good to be true.

YOU seemed too good to be true.

So, not content with looking me up on the internet,

you set up some sort of honey trap?!

Don't you think that's childish?

Yes, yes, I do. I'm so sorry.

Yeah, it's not going to work.

Let me explain...

I'm a straightforward bloke. Everything with you is complicated.

It's doing my head in.

It's more trouble than it's worth.

# Journey's ending

# Lovers meeting

# Every wise man's son

# Doth know

# What is love?

# 'Tis not hereafter... #

LAUGHTER

# Present moment

# Present laughter

# What's to come is

# Still unsure. #

Martin! Martin, please don't do this.

Look, Alicia... Elaine... whatever your name is,

I don't like being messed about. I haven't got the time.

You're blaming Julia for what everyone else has done.

None of this was her idea.

Martin, please.

You're getting Julia all wrong.

She's one of the most straightforward people I know.

You can trust her...

Investigated me? Testing me?

I should be flattered.

Martin, Julia really likes you.

It's just...she's been hurt by people.

Haven't we all.

# O mistress mine

# Where are you roaming?

# O

# Stay and hear

# Your true love's coming

# And can sing both high

# And low

# Trip no further... #

Did you get a big kick out of humiliating Barry?

-Oh.

-'You don't do anything by halves, do you, Zara?'

Nor does Kevin. He helped!

Kevin is very young.

You're a partner, you should know better!

It was just a harmless bit of fun.

'Oh, harmless(!)'

Not only did you encourage Barry to make a complete fool of himself,

'you've ruined my day with Martin.'

Martin?! I didn't know you were seeing him.

I didn't know he'd be there.

Well, he isn't, is he? Not any more. And thanks to you, he doesn't want anything to do with me.

'YOU are supposed to be a doctor'

and a professional. YOU are supposed to have better judgement.

# A great while ago

# The world began

# With hey ho

# The wind and the rain

# But that's all won

# Our play is done

# And we'll strive to please you

# Every day

# Every day

# Every day

# Every day. #

-It's you.

-Hi.

You're here.

Well, if I left now...

I'd just hit the rush hour. Traffic's murder.

Elaine went home.

I, erm... I kept your ticket, though.

Shall we?

Shipwreck. Identical twins. Mayhem.

Bring it on.

Come here.

Slave, where's my coffee?

-I'm just trying to be a good husband.

-Really?

How's that working out for you?

Enslaved to your wife whom you condone running around

-like some kind of cheap hooker.

-Give him a wave.

You must have a colour coded micro-fibre cloth for this one, eh?

Red for the mess your wife makes?

-This slave is revolting.

-SHE SCREAMS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd