Ho Ho Flipping Ho Doctors

So, what are you doing for Christmas?

I'm going to go home to the folks. It's such a pain.

Your family are a pain?

No, they're fine. It's just all of it, you know. Shopping, presents...

SHE LAUGHS

What's that?

-Cleaner?

-Having a sneaky cuppa?

Who are you?

Who the hell are you?!

-Ah, Zara. Good to see you.

-Howard. You're late.

I see you've met our new members of staff.

Is that what they are?

Dr Zara Carmichael - this is Dr Emma Reid, Dr Al...

Yes, yes, I haven't really got time. Shall we crack on?

So, she's the missing partner.

The Alpha female.

-Is Zara here? Dr Carmichael?

-Oh, yes.

-Splendid. Have you been introduced?

-We know who she is.

-Brusque, isn't she?

-Good, excellent.

-What are you doing?

-You think they make themselves?

I think you should buy them from a shop.

They don't have to be home-made, love. No-one'll mind.

Auntie Ag always does. And I've got to buy her a present,

keep the receipt, cos she'll want to take it back.

I haven't started the Christmas cards...

You always make such a performance out of Christmas.

You can talk! Santa Claus!

You'll be OK when you get back on that sleigh

and see all those happy faces...

I'm not going.

What?

I spent three hours last night. Freezing my backside off!

That costume's draughty in all the wrong places.

-SHE SNIFFS

-I'm getting my Christmas cold. I can't do it.

-But you volunteered.

-No! You volunteered me.

You don't need a Mrs Claus.

If you want to ride around in a daft costume,

you can do that on your own.

We've been in the paper. The kids will be expecting both of us.

Tell them I've gone to the North Pole.

Oh, come on, love. We can't let them down.

SHE SIGHS

CAR DOOR SLAMS

Do you have to slam it?

Someone got out of bed the wrong side this morning.

I couldn't sleep.

Are you sure you should be in? Maybe you should go home.

I'm fine. And I don't want to talk about it.

Hey, that's Zara's car! Maybe she's coming back.

Come on, Mrs Tembe, you must know something.

Well, I think it is a good sign.

It's about time she came back.

-So, it's black coffee for you, tea for Howard.

-Thank you.

And lapsang for me.

Now, why don't you stay for lunch? My treat, of course.

No. Really, it's just a flying visit.

Where are staying at the moment?

Several hours' drive away. Now, if we could just crack on...

How's little Joe?

He's thriving.

These are the accounts and this is the practice tax return.

-I won't have to see Daniel?

-No. Dr Granger's on a leave of absence.

I don't know if Howard's got you up to speed.

Daniel's been diagnosed with post-natal depression.

How could I forget?

Are you two in contact at all?

He WAS phoning and leaving self-pitying messages

until I blocked his calls.

We really are hoping that you're going to come back.

-Coming on so well. Please take a seat.

-Thank you.

-Al... I've got something for you.

-BABY GRIZZLES

What is it?

Mrs Tembe's Secret Santa.

I thought you were going to wrap it.

-Are you joking?

-You've done half a job.

I haven't got time! I've got to sort Karen's costume out...

Hello, Karen. How are you?

-What do you want?

-What are you like at wrapping presents?

You want me to wrap your Christmas presents for you?

Like I haven't got a million other things to do?

You can do them at three o'clock on Christmas morning, like everybody else.

Hey, Mand, are you free now while I get changed?

-Five minutes.

-Yeah, yeah.

Mrs T, can I borrow your Sellotape, please?

I am not going to lend it to you, Dr Haskey.

Because you will lose it.

But I will be happy to help you wrap the present...

-Well, if you wouldn't mind.

-No!

That's outrageous! Mrs Tembe, it's not your job.

Just because he can't be bothered...

Oi!

You are supposed to put time and effort into a Secret Santa present - you know, make it personal.

But this is the point - I really can't be bothered.

I haven't even got any wrapping paper.

You'll just have to go and get some, won't you?

I think that you would make a better job of it.

If you want it to look nice... If you really cared about Christmas...

All right.

Come on. Pull yourself together.

Zara?!

TOILET FLUSHES

-How are you?

-Great. I see your fashion sense is still spot-on.

I'm so glad you're back. So, have you seen Daniel?

Come to lunch. We'll go down the Icon and you can fill me in!

No! I can't. I have to go.

Oh, but you've got to say hello to everybody.

No, I really haven't got time. I just came for a meeting.

-But you ARE back?

-No.

Have a great Christmas. Say hi to Rob and the kids.

Zara!

Hi. I'm Ellie Welsh... I've got an appointment with Dr Haskey.

Sorry. Er, it's at midday. I'm ridiculously early.

-It is fine. Please take a seat over there.

-Thank you.

Zara! How are you?

We're doing Secret Santa. Shall I sort you one out?

-It might be a bit too late, but I'll do my best.

-No, thanks.

-Good to see you. Great to have you back.

-I'm not.

Would you like a nice cup of tea, Dr Carmichael?

For the record, I am not back!

I don't want to do a Secret Santa and, no, I do not want a cup of tea!

Happy Christmas!

Hi.

It's still not fixed. I meant to be away by now.

You are looking very Christmassy.

Are you looking forward to Christmas, Dr Tyler?

What is there to look forward to?

-You're full of peace and goodwill, you are(!)

-You can talk.

Christmas is a time that we spend with our families...

Are you all right? I'm so sorry!

You should not have left that there. It is a health and safety hazard.

-Let me have a look. Is it bleeding?

-Just leave it!

I have nothing to say.

This is ridiculous. It's been months.

We've got to sort things out.

So you thought you'd ambush me?

-No. I just want us to t...

-Don't.

Zara, I understand you're angry with me, OK? You've every right,

but it's not going to solve anything.

Please.

Not here. I don't want an audience.

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas.

HE CHUCKLES

ENGINE FAILS TO START

-Excuse me...

-I'm not really here.

Yes, you are.

Toby... Sorry, I thought you worked here.

I do, but I'm just here to get my cozzie fixed.

Hey, Mand, can you do me now?

Um, just one minute.

Ellie, Toby... Do you need some help?

I've got an appointment with Dr Haskey. Um, test results.

Oh. I'll see what's happening.

Al... You've got an appointment with Ellie Welsh.

Yeah, I know. She's really early.

Anyway, I don't think her results are back yet.

Are you going to tell her?

-Do you have any news?

-Um, no, not yet, sorry.

I could chase up the hospital,

see if I can get the test results back today.

Thanks, that'd be great.

I'd rather stay...now I'm here. I don't mind waiting.

Up to you.

-That boy has no manners.

-I know.

You wouldn't think they teach doctors how to speak to patients, would you?

Not Dr Haskey. Him over there.

Oh, Toby? Oh, no, Mrs Tembe, it's not his fault. He's got...

Well, it's not Asperger's, but it's something similar.

-They don't know what it is.

-Oh.

I want to try and explain.

OK, you know I've been diagnosed with postnatal depression?

So everyone keeps telling me.

Well, I'm getting treatment and I'm getting better.

It was a hell of a relief to get a diagnosis.

I felt terrible for months and I didn't know why.

I suppose you're going to tell me that cheating on me was a symptom.

Yes, in a way it was.

And that's your idea of an explanation?

I'm so sorry. For everything.

If I could take it back, I would. But I wasn't myself.

It was like somebody else was controlling me.

No. It was you. And, as usual, you're making excuses.

Your gambling was an addiction.

Being a useless, violent dad was an illness.

-Nothing's ever your fault, is it, Daniel?

-Zara, please, listen.

OK, I know I've screwed up. But this is an illness.

What sort of doctor would you be if you rejected a medical diagnosis?

If a woman came to you with PND,

would you say she's making excuses for being a useless mum?

-No, of course not.

-Then why do that with me?

This isn't about the PND! This is about taking responsibility.

Do you know how hard it is to admit that you're ill, to ask for help?

I am trying to take responsibility.

How's Joe?

I know that you probably never want me to see him again, but how is he?

Oh, thanks, Mand, I owe you.

Mrs Hollins! Are you off?

Don't forget, Gina and I are coming over later.

Gina wants to see Santa and his sleigh.

-OK, well, just come round later.

-Splendid.

Mand, I can't get it off now.

No, um... No, you can't take it off.

Why not? What do you mean?

I kind of had to sew you into it.

It kept coming undone at the back. It's just a few stitches.

-I've got to drive home like this?!

-It was just easier.

Ho flipping ho!

Why's that woman dressed as Father Christmas?

She's Mother Christmas.

Are you still waiting?

Has no-one come to talk to you?

Not yet.

Mrs Tembe, have you had any luck chasing up those results?

Apparently the pathology department are on their Christmas lunch.

But I have not given up yet.

She has been waiting for ages.

Are you actually going to speak to her?

HE SIGHS

Hi. Um...we close for lunch at two, I'm afraid.

That's all right. We'll go and get something and come back.

-I hate Christmas.

-I know, love.

But I like it and so do lots of people...

It's stupid. People spending time together,

pretending they like each other when they can't stand each other.

There is a cafe up the road. Just come out of here, turn right.

-It's all right.

-Oh. Thanks.

I hear what you're saying about Christmas.

I agree with you 100%!

You're a man after my own heart.

I've got my own heart. Why would I want yours?

Mine's probably healthier.

OK, right. No problemo.

Toby, that was rude.

He's rude.

-I should go.

-Just tell me, is he happy?

Does he still grab hold of your hair?

You remember that?

Yeah, of course.

He's so bright.

I know every parent says that, but he really is.

He's happy and confident.

Charms everyone who sees him.

Is he talking?

He can say "Mama" and wave goodbye.

He is learning new things every single day.

And, yes, he does still grab my hair.

Oh...

Look at him.

You've grown a beard.

Yeah. Like it?

SHE CHUCKLES

Is he walking?

Almost.

I should get going. I've been here far too long already.

OK, well, I'll walk with you.

I've got him a present. It's in the car. Would you give it to him?

Of course I will.

Rob!

Rob!

-Rob!

-Karen, is that you?!

SHE GASPS

-Oh, I thought you were dead!

-What? No, I'm all right.

But the truck's knackered.

-What are you doing?

-I'm trying to fix it,

but the thing is...I'm stuck.

Oh! I've had enough!

The flamin' sleigh... It's one thing after another!

Karen!

-Can't go now, can we?

-Karen!

It's from Greece.

It's the kind of thing you give your eldest son.

It's beautiful.

Thank you.

Do you have to go?

Yes.

I'm glad I've seen you. I am glad we've talked.

Can we see each other again?

Look, I know it'd be a huge step, but will you consider moving back in?

-I we could live together, look after Joe...

-No, I don't think...

Maybe not in that house, cos you always hated it.

We can get a new place, we could start again.

Look, I'm...I'm so sorry, I wish I could change what I did to you,

what happened with Joe, um, the incident...

It wasn't an "incident"!

You shook our son, you could have killed him!

You think I want to move back with you?

You think I want you anywhere near Joe ever again?

I've got a job in Bristol. We've settled there.

A job...

Consulting. It's perfect. Why would I ever want to move back?

-DOOR SHUTS

-There you are.

Oh, thanks.

No! It's not FOR you. It's your Secret Santa prezzie for...

I've wrapped it.

Hmm.

Dr Haskey, the test results have come through.

I've still got ten minutes left of my lunch break.

-She's not even here!

-She's only gone to the loo!

Um, we've got the results back. Do you want to come through?

GAME BEEPS AND WHIRRS

You stay there. I'll just be a minute.

PHONE RINGS

Toby, everything's going to be all right.

The Mill Health Centre. How can I help you?

I know you must be really worried about your mum.

Is it OK if I sit with you?

If there's anything you want to say or ask...

you can talk to me.

I don't want to.

GAME BEEPS AND WHIRRS

Zara and Daniel are in the car park.

-Eh?

-What?

I wish I'd never told you I'd moved to Bristol.

-Four months? When I am I going to see him again?

-Daniel...

Arguing. That's what families do at Christmas.

Still, look on the bright side. She hasn't killed him...yet.

You have no Christmas spirit, Dr Tyler.

That IS Christmas spirit.

I don't know why I even bothered listening to you.

-You're being completely irrational.

-That is rich, coming from you!

I just want to know.

If it's bad, I'll have to plan ahead for Toby.

And I can't go through Christmas not knowing.

Sorry, I'm being a pain, wittering on.

It's all right.

All right, here we go.

Right, so...

Yep, negative.

And...

Yep, that's negative.

Yeah. That all seems normal.

-Does that mean...?

-It's good news. You don't have cancer.

Not that we can detect.

So you can go home and stop worrying.

Thank you.

-Whoa!

-Thank you.

OK.

It was negative!

Well, I'm so glad we could give you some good news.

Toby...

Did anyone see him go? Well, did anyone see where he went?

Er, I tried to speak to him, but he didn't seem very interested.

He seemed a bit upset.

Let's not panic. We don't know that he's gone anywhere.

I'll check outside. Has he run away before?

No. He feels safer with me. Maybe I should drive around.

Maybe I will call the police.

He had your car keys.

Oh, why didn't you say?

-He's not there.

-I'll check round the back.

TOBY WHIMPERS

Hi. It's all right.

No! Don't say that! Stop saying that!

Um...

TOBY GROANS

What game is this?

-Dungeon Of Fire.

-Cool. What level are you on?

Six.

I'm stuck on three. I keep getting beheaded.

Don't you take the immortality potion?

There's an immortality potion?

The unmarked bottles in the apothecary's cell?

You have to be careful not to get the poison instead.

Thanks.

Your mum really is OK. Everything's going to be all right.

-DON'T SAY THAT!

-Why not?

She says it! Everyone says it!

When she found the lump - "Everything's going to be all right."

When she had the operation - "Everything's going to be all right."

Before she went to see you!

Why do people say it when they can't possibly know?

Yeah, but I do know.

Your mum hasn't got cancer. All the tests came back negative.

Do you know what a biopsy is?

Course I know. I looked it up.

I had to.

She doesn't like talking about it. She gets embarrassed.

Your mum really is fine. She's not going to die.

-She is, at some point.

-Well, yeah. But not from that. And not now.

Shall we go back inside?

I'm glad she's not going to die.

I'd have to go and live with Nan and Grandad,

and they don't even have broadband.

Pff! That WOULD be awful!

Yes, I did say, "Sleigh."

My name? Why don't you take a wild guess(?)

You can fix it? That's great!

Ha-ha! Very funny. No, not Lapland. Kingsvale.

When do you think you can do it for?

Really?

No, that's not going to be any good for me. I'll have to leave it.

Thanks. Bye!

-You've got changed.

-Well, we can't go out now, can we?

So that's it? You're just going to give up?

No, I'm going to do the Christmas cards. Then...

You always do this, don't you, eh?

You get stressed out about Christmas.

-You never manage to enjoy it.

-What's there to flipping enjoy?!

I've got to clean the house, I've got to ice the cake,

I've got to do all the shopping,

I've got to get Jack another present in case his proper one doesn't turn up,

and I'm working till Friday. I can't do it, Rob.

I cannot do Christmas AND play Santa Claus!

It'll be all right, love. Because it always is.

I know it's for charity and I know you want to make all those kids happy.

But what about us? What about our bloody family?!

You OK?

-You know I'm all right?

-You don't have cancer.

Let's celebrate. Pizza, then we'll go home and watch Captain America.

You sign them and stick them in the envelopes,

I'll put stamps on and address them.

Oh, we need sprouts.

Why? Nobody eats them.

I'm not having Auntie Ag criticise. You know what she's like.

"No sprouts, Karen? It's such a shame you couldn't make an effort."

I don't know where I'm going to get the turkey from.

After last year, I can't go back to that butcher. I can't face him.

I'll get it, then. How many cards are there?

About another 50.

50?! Do we always send that many?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, that's all right.

I'm... I'm going to help. We're a team. OK?

DOORBELL RINGS

-Hello?

-Hello! We're here to see the sleigh,

but I see you've yet to turn the lights on.

Well, you've wasted a journey, actually, because it's knackered.

Come in. Come in, though.

-Hi.

-Well, what a shame.

Rob, Karen this is my... Gina.

Would you like a drink? Mince pie?

I think we'll just head off.

Can't you get another truck to tow the float?

The thing is, I've spent all morning decorating it.

I don't think it would look right.

I could try and fix it.

Oh.

Oh, um, well, see what you can do.

Right, hold that.

What are you doing?

Easy, tiger.

OK, try it now.

ENGINE STARTS

Come here!

-Wow, that's great. You fixed it?

-Gina fixed it.

Karen! Get your cozzie on, we're back in business.

-VOICEMAIL:

-'Hi. It's just me. I'm going to Mel's Christmas party,

'so I won't be home tonight.

'You can be a grumpy sod by yourself! Bye.'

Right, come on. Ooh!

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

Oh...

Thanks for doing this, Mrs Claus.

I will make it up to you.

Yes, you will. You're cooking Christmas dinner.

Oh. Come here, give us a cuddle.

Fred, put some music on!

# Jingle bells, jingle bells

# Jingle all the way

# Oh, what fun it is to ride

# In a one-horse open sleigh

# Jingle bells, jingle bells

# Jingle all the way

# Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh. #

-Kev?

-I hit my head yesterday.

You have no concern for her at all, do you?

As long as she's there to bathe you, feed you, dress you...

You know nothing.

Then tell me.

Why should you save his life when you can go to New York and party?!

That's enough!

Is little Tyler having a paddy?

Nasty, neglectful man!

Die, Daddy, die!

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