Elephant in the Room Doctors

LAUGHING

-"Mrs Claus - Elfcare Assistant"!

-Yeah, yeah!

Is Santa taking you out to lunch?

They're doing the children's ward at St Phil's.

Oh, so it went all right last night, then?

Yeah, fantastic(!)

Freezing my bum off in this torture device.

Look, see, the toe is flat...

where last year's Mrs Claus had her encounter with the float.

Or maybe where it "encountered" Santa's bum afterwards?

SHE LAUGHS

It is rewarding work... in the true spirit of Christmas.

Despite its pagan trappings.

I, too, hope to be involved in many rewarding activities

through the church.

Oh, yeah? Got anything good lined up?

What's that? "Shelter, helpline..."

Oh, prison visiting?

Yes... I am not too sure about this one.

I wouldn't want to spend Christmas with a load of scallies!

You're making a list of who's naughty or nice, are you(?)

Everyone needs somebody at Christmas.

Yeah. No, it's OK, I think I can find my own way.

OK, thanks.

HE SIGHS

What d'you think?

-Ah, pretty!

-Yeah, it's sort of a family thing.

-Tradition.

-Christmas?! I thought you were Sikh?

Shiny stuff. Tinsel, baubles... Any excuse, as long as there's bling.

Well, gives everyone a boost.

Hey, d'you fancy some lunch... maybe a catch up?

Sorry, can't. Last-minute shopping to do for New York.

And I thought, you know, my first Christmas working here...

be nice to contribute.

Yes, go for it. I'm all for upping the Christmas spirit.

Something's clearly upped yours.

Yes, good team-building, isn't it?

Might even stick something up myself.

A "Beware Of The Tree" sign, maybe?

I was just going to say, while we're all full of team-building,

Christmas-spirited goodwill, don't forget your Secret Santa presents!

I will do my best.

Well said, Mrs "Temb".

If others would do me the courtesy of pronouncing my name correctly.

I did, didn't I?

No. No, you did not. It is "Temb-ay". Two syllables.

Half of which you consistently omit.

Perhaps you would not feel quite

so team-spirited without all of your syllables...

Mr "Bellam".

What's put a spring in your step?

Or should I ask "who"?

-I need to check your availability.

-Oh, really?

To coordinate the rosters.

Uh-uh-uh! Secret Santa?

As in "identity unknown".

Haematology department, please?

Down the corridor, turn right.

Everything must go!

We've met.

I don't know if you remember. It was some years ago, at a fete.

"Churches...?"

"Against Famine". You ran a confectionery stall.

And you donated the most astonishing home-baked fruitcake!

-SHE LAUGHS

-Well...

Mrs Tembe?

Is it still "Mrs?"

Yes. I am surprised that you remember, Mr...?

Bennett.

Jerry.

How could I forget?

I believed... you forgot our arrangement...

to meet at the coffee shop afterwards?

No...no. I left a message with the staff.

My sister was under the weather. They didn't tell you?

I left a number.

I just assumed you'd had second thoughts.

But here you are! Christmas shopping?

Eh, no. I am...a "Secret Santa".

Not a very good one, I'm afraid.

I am to buy a gift for a man I barely know, or like...

who does not like me, or, anyone else for that matter,

and I truly think he does not want a present anyway.

I see. Quite a conundrum.

Yes. It is quite a conundrum, indeed.

Bookends.

The porcelain head...thing? No...

Magnifying glass?

Might help him locate his sense of propriety.

Ha-ha, do you have a bigger one?

HE LAUGHS

I did have binoculars somewhere.

Ah, carriage clock!

Stopped, unfortunately, but still right twice a day.

He is the kind of gentleman who likes to be right ALL the time.

HE LAUGHS

Eh...clog.

Buy one, get one free!

If I can find the other one.

There you are. Oh, that was a close thing.

Listen...if nothing here takes your fancy...

we could look in the back room, if you like?

You have already gone to far too much trouble...

Nonsense! I'm having far too much fun to stop digging now!

You wanted a chat?

Yes, but I'm snowed under at the moment.

Time enough to do some Christmas shopping, though, I see.

"G... Thinking of you."

So, who could the mysterious "G" be?

And what has he, or she, done to deserve it?

It can't be a Secret Santa, because there isn't a "G" on the staff.

-Can we just...?

-And are you?

-What?

Thinking of her? Now.

What I'm thinking is, this is inappropriate.

Always is. That's why it's fun.

Go on...tell me all about her.

You know you want to.

Thanks for the coffee.

My availability.

Just in case you need to know.

Solitaire! Just the thing for the man who likes his own company!

Unless you'd prefer to keep looking?

No, it is perfect.

But I think you have cheated yourself on the discount.

Everything must go!

This is ivory!

No, it's just a good imitation, surely?

No. See the crossing pattern in the grain, here.

I saw a great deal of this, growing up in Botswana,

before the ban stopped the poaching.

Oh, that's appalling!

I don't even know which of my suppliers it came from.

How can people still be doing such things?

Where there is poverty and hunger, there is desperation.

Desperate people do desperate things.

Well, at least I can alert the police.

And the set is useless without this.

What is a pawn without the rest of the set?

Perhaps, whatever it wants to be.

And to be with whoever it wants to be with?

I could...

wrap this up for you...

before taking lunch.

I was thinking, a little car picnic, at the park...

if you've no plans...

I just have to deliver those letters, but...

It would be my pleasure. And the least I could do...

to keep THIS appointment.

Kevin Tyler?

-Yeah.

-Hi, you have come to the right place. Come on.

I couldn't get here any earlier, we're short-staffed!

Well, next time, lay on some more little helpers!

Ho-ho-ho!

-Hi!

-Sweet!

Yeah. I thought you had a full day?

Oh, my climbing group was just around the corner, and my star

pupil gave me back that book I was telling you about, Living For Now.

So I thought I'd try and fit you in...before Pilates.

Why don't I show you my office?

Whoa, what's the rush? Talk about "Living For Now"...

Or maybe you're just after a repeat of last night?

No, it's just... I got something for you too.

Mr Bennett, we have to go!

Yes, yes, all wrapped and raring to go.

And we are going to need those binoculars!

Oh.

Now, the results will come back here ASAP,

as obviously, time is of the essence.

But as far as you're concerned at this stage,

it's just a simple blood test.

There's absolutely nothing to worry about.

I'm so sorry. I know it must be a very difficult time

for you and your family...

So I can go straight down?

Yeah, as soon as I've put you on the system.

I must tell you that you can change your mind at any time.

But obviously, in this case, that's not going to be an issue.

Mrs Tembe, I'm really not sure about this.

No... No, this is the place.

The postcode is nearly the same as our office supplier next door,

and they confirmed... it matched this address!

It is not enough for the police...

The box may be a reused one.

The postcode isn't even complete.

In any case, they appear to be long gone.

CAR HORN BLARES

Mr Bennett!

Sorry.

Please... We have to be quiet, and patient,

and then you will see...

It's just... I imagined us having lunch together somewhere more...

convivial.

-Duck!

-Liver pate.

No, duck!

Now, look!

Look here.

Now you will see the boxes are identical!

There, look how sly and shifty they look.

Oh, no. No, no, no!

What?

They are moving the evidence!

Maybe they noticed the missing piece! We have to do something!

No, wait! They might be dangerous.

"For evil to flourish, good men," or women...

-"must do nothing."

-Mrs Tembe...!

I will not stand by and let them

plunder the natural resources of Africa.

Mrs...!

You call the police. Tell them it is an emergency.

I will try to delay them somehow...

Mrs...!

You! Stop...now!

Please.

I...

I...am Mrs Winifred Tembe.

And by the...

the authority vested in me by the...

..by the...

the Health & Safety Executive,

you must cease and desist all activities during...

during my inspection.

Thank you.

What I'm saying to you is, we've got to prepare

ourselves for the possibility that you won't be a match.

Yeah, I know. Only half my DNA came from him.

And you know that this type of leukaemia isn't hereditary?

So at least you don't have to worry that he's passed it on to you.

Yeah, I know that too, being a doctor(!)

Be the first thing he ever did give me.

Genes are all we share. He dumped my mum when she was still pregnant,

so I kind of hope we're not a match.

Look, I've got a real phobia of needles,

so can we please just get this over and done with?

Put that out! It is a fire hazard!

In the appropriate receptacle! What are your names?

Gaz. Gareth Chambers.

Deano. Dean Bartley.

Well, Mr Chambers...

and Mr Bartley, I have already seen several serious infractions.

Smoking outside the designated area.

Dubious distractions in the workplace.

Slippy floors.

All spillages must be mopped up straight away!

Do you want to be distracted, slip, and set yourself on fire?

-Well, do you?!

-No.

No...no, you do not, Mr Bartley.

-Yes!

-What?

Just feeling like a lucky man.

Just you wait till after dinner.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

PHONE RINGS

Yeah?

Look, I can't talk.

We got Health & Safety here!

Yeah?

Got it.

I have concluded my investigation, and I will now send a full

written report to the relevant authorities... Good day.

My boss wants a quick word.

I am afraid I have other inspections...

It won't take long. You can wait in the office.

Sorry about the wait.

Needle phobia, eh? That must be fun, as a GP(!)

Yeah. Venesection was a riot when I was a medical student!

Look, I forgot to give you these earlier.

Just the normal things about donation,

probably nothing you don't already know...

I just wondered, as you're already putting yourself through this,

maybe you'd consider going on the donor register proper?

-You can see from the numbers how short we are of men like you...

-What, doctors?

No, ethnic minority. People of South Asian origin...

No matter what happens to your father,

you could be a lifeline to someone else...

I'm not Asian though, am I? I mean, I'm half-white.

-OK, well...

-Well, I'm not.

So it doesn't apply...

Yeah... I just thought you might consider it, you know...

as a doctor.

Season of goodwill and all that...

Mr Bennett! How did you...?

I slipped in while they were busy.

After all...I let you get away from me once before...

Then we can leave the same way.

Perhaps... we'd be safer if we stayed put?

Yes...you are right.

The police will be here soon anyway.

We do not want the perpetrators doing a runner.

They cannot leave with their ill-gotten gains anyway.

(I removed this from the van.)

You really are quite a woman.

This is turning out to be quite a Christmas.

Had worse.

Mrs Tembe.

When you did not turn up at the coffee shop...

I thought, perhaps, you had returned home...

to your wife.

No.

No...

Marriage somehow passed me by. Family commitments and so on.

And then... one finds oneself alone...

Yes.

As a matter of fact...

I lost my husband...

quite some time ago.

ENGINE STALLS

Ah!

HE WHISTLES

FEMALE LAUGHTER

HE WHISTLES

FEMALE LAUGHTER

He's been on hot bricks all day. He couldn't wait to get out for that.

I didn't know he'd told people.

I mean, he's told me a bit about this place,

how great everyone is, but...

It must be good, though, to put faces to names?

Yeah! Heston, is it?

Karen... Mrs "Temb"!

She sounds like a right character!

Actually, it's "Mrs Temb-ay"... but you know Howard!

He has difficulty getting to grips with the...new and unfamiliar.

You'd think he'd have mentioned you...

as you go back?

Yes, you would! You two haven't been together that long, then?

I thought you were going to your Pilates thing?

Oh... Yeah!

-Just as Emma was about to fill me in on all your foibles, too.

-It'll keep.

(Later!)

Later.

Why are the police taking so long?

-What did they say?

-KNOCK ON DOOR

Open up!

It'll be all right. I promise you.

It won't start.

Try this.

You?

Of all the shops in all the world, you had to walk into mine.

You told them to move the evidence.

"Why would people do such things?"...you said.

My sister...

she wanted to live her last few months at home...

with her family.

And there were costs. Care, equipment.

Her son begged me...

My only sister.

And she confounded those doctors! Month after month.

She finally went in June.

I had to get myself out from under somehow!

And the ivory was out there already.

If it hadn't been me, it would have been someone else.

Yes.

Yet, I am to blame also.

I should have gone to the police, there and then.

But I believed you when you said you wanted to be my friend.

But instead you just wanted to keep me quiet, until it was safe.

No, it was never that!

You're free to go...

always have been.

Even if it's straight to the police...

I wanted to explain...

I've never seen myself as Asian.

Yeah, other people have called me that.

The Asian community haven't wanted to know me till now, either.

It's not what I see when I look in the mirror.

-You don't have to explain yourself to me...

-Really?! It really seems like I do!

Soon as I'm in the door, you make all these assumptions

like I'm just some...Asian!

All but racially profiling me!

So look, why don't we complete the stereotype!

And you take me off that stupid register!

I'm not just some Asian!

I'm Kevin Tyler.

You could go to the police. Give yourself up.

Why would I do that?

Because you are not a bad man.

I never meant to deceive you. I never meant for any of this.

Then turn back, before it is too late...

The police aren't coming...and very soon...there'll be no evidence.

Why would I choose to go to prison...

lose what little I have left?

It is better than losing your soul.

You yourself said, "We can be who we choose to be."

DISTANT SIRENS

Maybe we're all pawns to fate.

Then run, leave now.

Because I deceived you, too.

I left a message for Sergeant Hollins...

Out! Quick! Through the back way!

SIRENS WAIL

IGNITION STARTS

Sorry I'm not the man you thought I was.

But you really are an amazing woman.

Enough to restore a man's faith.

Maybe that's the last thing I'll ever steal.

Say a prayer for me(?)

Ow! Ow!

Oh, thank you.

How'd it go?

I almost enjoyed it. Especially when Santa slipped in some sick. "Ho-ho-whoa!"

THEY LAUGH

And the little kids' faces. Oh!

And my kids are going to be back in a couple of days,

so I'll hang up my boots and just play Mum.

Get what you needed?

Actually, I went to get tested.

Oh.

And...?

Wasn't a match.

At least you tried.

HE SIGHS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Rosters.

So you just bumped into each other, did you(?) You and Gina?

-Mm-hm.

-Got chatting...(?)

-Yup.

-About?

You know...girl talk.

She seems like a nice girl.

Just right for you.

Appropriate.

"Nice"? She's not nice, she's amazing! Not that it's anything to do with you!

She's gorgeous, passionate, straight as an arrow! Oh, and single.

And I'm free to play the field with anybody I like,

without the approval of one of my married colleagues!

HE SIGHS

You'll be OK back on that sleigh when you see those happy faces.

We close for lunch at two, I'm afraid.

There's a cafe up the road... It's all right.

Don't forget Gina and I are coming over later.

Gina wants to see Santa and his sleigh.

You are supposed to put time and effort into a Secret Santa present.

Make it personal.

This is the point. I really can't be bothered.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd