The Lunatics, the Lover and the Poet Doctors

To Matt.

To Matt. This one's for you mate.

Hey, thank you for doing this. It's just what she needed.

I told you, he's not as bad as he makes out.

You wait until you see what I got you for your birthday.

Thank you again, Rob.

-What did he say?

-It's off the record.

-Obviously.

They're not going to announce it until tomorrow,

-but it looks like the CPS are going to drop the charges.

-That's brilliant news.

Now you can enjoy King Lear without it hanging over you.

I think this merits another drink.

-You are dead, Tyler!

-Whoa! Calm down, ladies!

Just because I fancy girls,

it doesn't mean I want some naked lady wobbling her tassels in my face.

Present company excepted, sweetheart.

I got you a nurse stripogram. I thought you'd be pleased.

Well, you thought wrong.

-Cancel her.

-No way! I paid good money for her and she's non refundable.

-Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing her even if you're not.

-You're a disgusting little perv!

Something about a booking?

Robin Goodfellow from Letherbridge Party Tricks.

If you're the stripper, I want my money back.

Please don't send me away - this is my first booking for six weeks.

If you don't take your clothes off, what do you do?

The subjects are now in a trance

and, unbeknownst to them,

are about to meet the objects of their hearts' desires

because tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

we're going to play a very special game of...

-PLAYS BLIND DATE THEME TUNE

-Blind Date!

CHEERING

My name is Mandy and I'm a nurse.

Go, Mand!

I'd like to meet a dark handsome Doctor

who'll inject me with some love medicine.

-I can't believe we're doing this.

-At least it isn't costing you £100.

Oh, it's just a bit of fun.

Would you like to meet your... blind dates?

-ALL:

-Whoa!

PHONE RINGS

How was the Hypnotist?

Oh, just a concussion. They kept him in overnight for observation.

When my love swears that she is made of truth, I do believe her,

though I know she lies.

-She might think me some untutored youth, unlearned in the world's subtleties.

-Is this yours?

Thank you.

Ah, it's something I learnt at school. Sonnet to a Dark Lady.

PHONE RINGS

Mill Health Centre.

What's it doing in my pigeon hole?

-BRUMMIE ACCENT:

-No, I'm afraid Miss Parsons isn't in.

No idea. I expect she'll be ages.

All right. Thank you. Bye.

Is that supposed to be me?

-Do you think it will do?

-Very suitable.

And I have blocked out all Dr Carter's appointments after five.

Rest assured, there will be no over-run today.

Disaster.

The extra ticket I was promised is no more. We're back to square one.

So which one of us is it to be?

A veritable Morton's fork - I may as well just toss a coin?

-Well, that seems fair.

-Make such a decision on the turn of fate?

Surely the prize should go to she who has the most affinity with the bard?

Would you not agree, Nurse Clay?

I forgot, OK?

You forget and I end up wading through bin bags.

I'm really sorry.

I didn't realise that I'd shacked up with the recycling police.

And I didn't realise I'd moved in with Waynetta Slob!

You're not a student any more, Freya.

Grow up, will you?

Love's young dream already going sour?

Things are going fine with me and Mand, thank you.

If you say so.

Come in!

Slacking already?

Can we go over my diabetic patients list this morning?

Cool. I'll be in Jimmi's office.

Can I get you a coffee?

Yeah, if it doesn't offend your feminist principles.

No, you deserve it.

That was a really nice thing you did last night.

You've changed your tune.

What are you two gassing about?

Nothing.

-Is that for me?

-Ah-ah-ah.

Cheers.

-Ah, Mrs Tembe, you read my mind.

-Your favourite lemon biscuits.

Is there any news on the court case?

Not as yet but, erm, entre nous, I'm quietly confident.

You are an innocent accused.

Like Hero in Much Ado About Nothing.

And like her, I have no doubt you will be fully exonerated.

Very good, Mrs Tembe. An apt allusion.

Well, I have an extensive knowledge of the bard, erm,

which is more than can be said for Nurse Clay.

She is a nice enough young lady but hardly well rounded culturally.

Dr Carmichael isn't in on Tuesday but Dr Wilson could see you at 10:45pm.

Would you like me to pop an appointment card in the post?

OK...OK. All right, Mrs Blossom.

Bye.

-Are you looking for something?

-Yes. Mr Demetrius' blood tests.

Ah!

Was there something else?

No. Thanks.

Erm, what are you doing for lunch?

The usual. Cheese and pickle in the staffroom.

Not today. Shall I pick you up at 2pm?

-Why?

-Because I'm inviting you to lunch.

No, I got that bit. Why me?

Because I want to talk to you about something. 2pm?

MUFFLED SPEECH

Is something the matter?

That's it, then. Unless you have anything else?

No.

I love you.

Can you speed it up with the punch line? I've got patients waiting.

It's not a joke. I wish it was.

-What about your girlfriend?

-Freya?

She's just a cover. I realise that now.

You know, taking this job, shacking up.

I did it to get closer to you.

And the small matter of you being a dirty great lesbian?

I don't know what I am any more.

All I know is... I can't stop thinking about you.

What's all this in aid of?

Erm...

..me and Zara, it's over. I don't love her any more.

So we grew together, like to a double cherry,

seeming parted, but yet an union in partition,

two lovely berries moulded to one stem,

so, with two seeming bodies but one heart,

two of the first, like coats in heraldry,

due but to one and crowned with one crest.

Cherry, that was wonderful.

I had no idea your knowledge of Shakespeare was so extensive.

The quality of mercy is not strained.

It droppeth as the rain from heaven upon the place beneath.

-It is twice blessed...

-Everyone knows that one,

especially when they've got this to help them.

I tried to read the whole play last night but fell asleep in Act 2.

That's cheating.

So is an eidetic memory.

That is why you have been skulking in your room all day. You have been memorising on the sly!

That is not cheating. That's a natural talent you don't have,

otherwise you wouldn't be using this.

Why don't we ask Dr Carter, shall we? Dr Carter...

How long have you felt like this?

Does it matter how long?

Erm...does Zara know?

I needed to speak to you first.

Why? Because of me and Rob? I suppose it's no secret.

I thought so.

Why did you take him back?

It's complicated, isn't it? I mean...

You know, all long relationships have their ups and downs.

Especially when the babies arrive.

And what if...

-what if there were someone else?

-You're having an affair?

This isn't some tawdry roll in the hay.

I have too much respect for this woman.

And she feels the same way?

She doesn't know.

She's married.

But she's as unhappy as I am, I can see it in her eyes.

Tell me what to do?

Well, maybe you should tell her how you feel.

Yes.

Karen...

-Hello.

-Oh, hello, love.

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.

Hello, Dennis!

-We were just, erm...

-Discussing work stuff.

Speaking of which, we should get off.

-Is everything OK?

-Yeah, yeah.

Right, I'll...get off then.

OK, bye.

-Oh, Rob, will you pick up some spuds on your way home?

-Yeah.

CD PLAYER: # And here's to you, Mrs Robinson

# Jesus loves you more than you will know

# Whoah-ah-oh.. #

Hiya.

Yes?

I was wondering if you fancied coming for a drink after work?

-I think an alcohol free day is in order, don't you?

-OK.

Non-alcoholic, then?

Erm, Kev, I think we need to have a little chat.

I'm free now. Go for it.

It's not something that I really want to talk about it at work.

Wild guess. You're in love with me.

If this is about the stripper... hello, she didn't even turn up!

-You knew?

-I've had the spiel from Mandy.

-What spiel?

-"I love you. I can't stop thinking about you.

"I'm confused about my sexuality, yadda-yadda-yadda, blah, blah."

Little cow.

This isn't even funny. I mean, how old are you two?

What a vindictive little...!

Oi! What have you said to Kevin?

None of your business.

Friendly warning, sweetheart. You keep your claws off him.

So you can have him to yourself?

Hilarious! Do you think I'm buying any of this?

You only want him because I do.

I never wanted you in the first place.

Don't you look at him like that!

Back off Wilson!

Get off!

-I was there first.

-He wouldn't look twice at you.

-Been there, bought the t-shirt.

-Oh, you...!

OK, OK, OK girls. Stop. Enough!

I get the message...I think.

Shall we take this somewhere more private?

Excuse us.

-Hi, Jack.

-Hi.

-Can I help?

-Have you seen my mum?

Oh, yes, she's gone out for lunch with, erm, Daniel.

Cool. So we have the place to ourselves.

Jack, did you put that CD in my car?

How did you guess?

The aftershave's a bit of a giveaway.

HUMS 'MRS ROBINSON'

Jack, do you want to sit down?

Did you know you're a dead ringer for Anne Bancroft, only hotter.

Have you taken something? Drugs?

Is there a drug that makes you fall in love?

Not that I'm aware of.

All I know is that you are the object of my heart's desire.

-HYPNOTIST:

-And unbeknownst to them are about to meet the objects of their heart's desire.

-LOUD THUD

-Arrgh!

Jack...

All these years spent chasing girls when what I really wanted was a woman.

Beautiful, Elaine,

will you be my woman?

-Oh, good grief.

-I'm not moving until you say yes.

How about, I will be your woman, if you come somewhere with me first?

Anything you say.

Allow me.

Finders keepers.

Scared to let him choose, are we?

You've never forgotten that night and neither have I.

It was a one off!

Three times, actually, with variations on a theme.

He couldn't get enough of me.

You have spoilt me for everyone else.

Man or woman.

-Do you honestly expect me to believe this?

-Why not?

One, you're a dyed in the wool lesbian, and, two...

Well, one's enough!

You have thrown my entire sexuality into confusion.

I...I need you to show me

what it's like to be made love to by a man.

-You don't know how to please a man.

-Yeah, well, I'm a fast learner,

-and he'll enjoy showing me!

-All right! There's no need to fight.

If you're serious...

prove it.

-BOTH:

-How?

Well, there's plenty of The Tylernator to go round.

How about a little three-way action?

-I don't think it's likely.

-Why not?

I'm a rubbish hypnotist. Half the time they ask for their money back.

But it is possible?

Can you stop doing that Jack? It's really distracting.

Faintly possible.

Did you know you have a little mole shaped like a heart?

She's hot, isn't she?

I did it.

I actually bloody did it!

How much longer?

I want to examine your whole body inch by inch.

Then do you think you could undo it?

Three,

returning to normal, alert feelings.

Two, feeling good, feeling relaxed.

And, one,

open your eyes and gather your thoughts.

Hospital? Have I had an accident?

Get in there.

Not exactly. You were left in a trance at the party last night.

What? Like, hypnotised?

You don't remember?

Hypnotic amnesia.

It happens with subjects who are particularly suggestible.

Or if the hypnotist is particularly powerful(!)

Freaky.

So, have I spent all day thinking I was a chicken or something?

Nothing that exciting.

If that's everything, I'll be making a move.

I don't think that's going to be possible.

I need you to come with me.

Should I put my rates up? You could write me a testimonial.

-I've been looking for you.

-You've found me.

-You know what I'm going to say, don't you?

-I do?

I love you, Karen Hollins,

and I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy.

-I beg pardon?

-I know you want the same thing.

Right, OK.

Kevin, Jimmi, or whoever's filming this for MyTube or whatever, you can come out now!

-I love that earthy, Brummie sense of humour.

-Black country!

You are a very, very sexy woman. You know that, don't you?

Don't fight it, don't fight it. I know you want this as much as me.

Have you been at the drugs cabinet?

-Leave him.

-Leave Rob and the kids?!

Yes! And, technically, they're adults.

They don't need you the same way that I do.

Please don't stay trapped in a loveless marriage.

Say "Yes" and make me the happiest man alive.

Go on, say it.

Go on, Karen, he's waiting.

What are you doing with Dr Carter's tea pot?

Making him a cup of tea.

It is my job to make Dr Carter's afternoon tea.

Actually, it's your job to man reception, which is currently unattended.

You will not get this prize by tea and false flattery.

I don't need to. Thou art some fool. I am loath to beat thee.

Get you gone, you dwarf.

You minimus of hind'ring knot-grass.

You counterfeit. You puppet, you!

How dare you, thou...

thou...

painted maypole!

-How should I know? He's got to be drunk.

-Drunk with love.

-How long, Karen?

-How many times have I got to tell you?

-I've no flaming idea what he's on about!

-I said, how long?!

-Tell him the truth, my darling.

-I didn't ask you!

Will you shut up?!

-We haven't done anything.

-Yet.

Rob, look, I'm truly sorry. We never meant for this to happen

and we certainly never meant for you to find out this way but your marriage is dead.

Accept it. Step aside.

-You...

-No, no.

Stop! Please, please, I can explain!

-Do you concede?

-Never.

And if you have any pity, grace, or manners,

you would not make me such an argument.

Oh, very good.

I am amazed at your passionate words.

Touche, Mrs Tembe.

I underestimated you, Nurse Clay. You are indeed a worthy opponent.

Well, there's only one solution.

It will seem so.

Tails.

-Our Jack as well?

-I'm afraid so.

Well, I hope he didn't act inappropriately.

-He was a perfect gentleman.

-Is he OK?

Perfectly. Except he has no recollection. Hypnotic amnesia.

-It happens with some subjects...

-That's me done for the day. Rob, how are you?

Maybe it's best to put a lid on this can of worms?

Yeah, I'm good. You?

Great. Karen, would you mind having those time sheets on my desk by tomorrow lunchtime?

Right. OK.

Better get off. Don't want to keep the missus waiting, or the little one.

In you come.

Lie down.

-Shirt off.

-Where's Freya?

Dr Wilson is just preparing her equipment. Do you want a hand?

There we go. Oh, wow!

Shouldn't I open the champagne first?

No, no, no, no. You're not in charge tonight, see?

Oh, right.

You all done?

Erm, yep.

-Do you fancy a pint?

-Why not?

-What's going on?

-Do you think I should change first?

No, I think you're sexy as you are.

Hey, where are you going? You can't leave me like this!

Come back!

If this is something to do with the stripper, she didn't even turn up!

Wow.

Not quite as eloquent as the bard but I appreciate the sentiment.

I mean, it's one thing reading the play, but that was like living it.

The imagery and the language.

Thank you so much, Heston. I'm never going to forget tonight.

My great pleasure.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hi, Dad.

Yeah, he's just here. One moment.

He's been trying to get hold of you but your phone's off.

Rob?

It isn't good news. The CPS have decided to prosecute.

-You assured me...

-An eye witness came forward.

And Barry Biglow gave a negative character statement.

So I'm to be condemned by someone who saw nothing and the ramblings of a jealous buffoon?

And they found inconsistencies in your testimony.

Well, that's balderdash.

Probably, but it is their job to make a case, however flimsy.

My advice,

get yourself a good lawyer and try not to worry about it.

You've got opinion on your side.

Well, thanks for letting me know.

I'm really sorry. It's just so unfair.

If there's one thing we learnt from Lear

it's that virtue does not guarantee victory.

This is dead swanky.

Can't a man treat his wife?

Did you ever...

-..you know?

-What?

He is a good looking guy.

Daniel?!

You mean...? Get lost! What do you take me for?

If we shadows have offended, think but this, and all is mended.

That you have but slumbered here While these visions did appear.

And this weak and idle theme...

..no more yielding then a dream.

Let's just say, the old boys' network isn't quite dead.

I need some jabs for my holiday. Well, it's my honeymoon.

-I'm a decent man who exercised the right to defend himself.

-It's the law we're talking about!

-What is with you at the minute?

-I'm going to the doctors.

-Are you OK?

You're afraid of something and it's not the size of...

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