Silly Valentine Doctors

# My funny valentine

# Sweet comic valentine

# You make me smile with my heart

# Your looks are laughable

# Unphotographable

# But you're my favourite work of art... #

VACUUM CLEANER WHIRS

Mrs Parkinson!

VACUUM CLEANER SWITCHED OFF

Did you call me, Doctor Carter?

Indeed.

Vis-a-vis our discussion, would 2.30 this afternoon be convenient?

Yes, that would be fine.

Excellent.

Valentine's Day!

That's one stinker of an anniversary if things don't work out.

Yeah. I'm going to take him out for lunch.

All-you-can-eat meze at the Greek at Sanderson Square.

Right, which one of you clowns has sent me a valentine's card?

-Don't look at me.

-Nor me. Only losers send valentines.

Was it you?

No! You're not my type, sweetheart.

That's weird.

Hey, Heston, how about you?

I bet the postman was buckling under the weight?

I take it that's a no?

LAUGHTER

KNOCK ON DOOR Yes?

Any idea where Jimmi is?

-I received this in the post.

-Congratulations. Only we're supposed to be meeting up for lunch.

I am obviously the victim of a mindless schoolboy prank.

He didn't mention anything to you?

Would you happen to know the identity of the guilty party?

Not a clue. He's not at the police station, is he?

-Who?

-Jimmi! Oh, just forget it.

Why don't you just accept that that's genuine?

One in the eye for Al, eh?

Ah, Mrs Tembe...

I am very flexible regarding my receptionist duties.

But I draw the line at emptying the bin.

So don't do it, then.

Who else is going to volunteer?

Perhaps, I should make a wish, and the dustbin fairy will appear!

Listen, I'm looking for Jimmi.

Doctor Clay phoned in to say he would not be in today.

Is he ill?

Not exactly.

He said that he could not face the day ahead and he needed space.

He said that he was going to "retrace his steps".

That were his exact words.

BELCHING

Flowers delivery?

Oh, right. Just go through. I will sign in there.

-DRUNKENLY:

-'Shanghai Gal.'

Shanghai Gal!

PHONE RINGS

-Jimmi?

-Listen. Just to say, sorry about lunch.

You could have let me know. I shouldn't have to find out from Mrs Tembe.

-What's up with you, anyway?

-Nothing. I'm fine.

You don't sound fine.

-OK. See you tomorrow.

-Eh, hold on a minute! Where are you?

Kevin, I want to be on my own, mate.

-Don't be daft. I'll buy you a pint.

-The prices they charge at this place?

Don't make promises you can't keep!

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in.

They're from Sam.

Lovely.

I found this on the doorstep outside.

Wonder who it's from, eh?

Oh, Howard.

I had it specially made... It looks like it's been specially made.

You know I can't.

It's only a card.

It isn't, though, is it?

And...

I don't want Chris to find it.

We look forward to seeing you then, Mr Peters. Goodbye.

-Can I help you?

-You've already done that, babe.

It's karma. It's epiphany.

Yes, well, whatever it is, I cannot accept it.

This song is going to be the one.

Do you wish to see a doctor?

I walk out onto the stage. It's pitch black.

The amps are humming.

They're out there chanting, "Ro-o-ocky! Ro-o-ocky! Ro-o-ocky!"

And then the lamps come up with an almighty flash.

And I let rip... # SHANGHA-I-I-I!

# Doo-doo-doo-doo! #

This is unacceptable. You will have to leave.

# Strip off your courtelle and give me hell, Shanghai Gal! #

# Doo-doo-doo doo...

# Roll down those stockings and let's get rocking

# Let your superior posterior rock my roll!

# Doo-da-doo-da! #

I warn you, I am going to call the police!

How did you find me?

Retracing your steps? Expensive drinks? Doesn't take a genius.

This is morbid, mate - you know that, right?

Still got time to get to the Greek.

Dolmades, zucchini, cold beer. What do you say?

No, thanks. Don't let me stop you, though.

Love it!

# Strut your stuff... #

Please - I beg you, do not start singing again!

# Shanghai girl... #

OK, Rocky. Show's over.

-# Shanghai! #

-Put him in the car.

# I could have set you free

# Shanghai, she's the one for me. #

Shanghai?

"From your very own Bag of Nuts"?

Not so fast, Doctor Haskey!

May I see that, please?

This is your handwriting!

Did you put him up to sending me this smutty valentine?

It's not smutty - it's about darts.

Shanghai is when you hit a single, treble and double

of the same number, and Bag of Nuts is...

So it was you all along!

You also sent one to Doctor Carter?

I didn't send anybody a valentine! I put that in the bin!

As a cruel prankster, you are an inveterate liar.

Whoa, Heston, hold your horses.

He sent this to my home.

An intolerable invasion of my privacy.

I've already told you I didn't!

Shall we talk about this in private?

The price of a pint has gone up by a pound since last year.

Daylight robbery!

Warned you.

I still don't know what good this is doing.

-I'm just trying to work things through.

-What's there to work through?

She cheated on you with your best mate.

There's no going back from that.

You're the innocent party. With bells on.

I was sat in that chair over there. People were toasting us

and I remember thinking, "This is a huge mistake."

Wedding day nerves.

Am I telling you this or are you going to keep doling out platitudes?

-Just trying to cheer you up.

-I don't need cheering up.

-Matter of opinion.

When we got engaged, she turned into bridezilla.

Yeah, you can say that again!

Don't know how you stuck it, mate!

I wanted marriage. More than anything, I wanted kids.

But we were both on the rebound, looking for a flawlessly

happy life with somebody undemanding. That doesn't happen, does it?

You don't realise until you look back.

So are you going to be mooching for the rest of your life?

-What?

-Is this going to be some annual pilgrimage?

"Ah, there he is, poor old Doctor Clay.

-"He likes to sit in the corner. Bless!"

-Shut up.

All I'm trying to say is, you've got to take steps to turn your life around.

Otherwise, you're going to be stuck in the past.

And you'll never be free, Jimmi. Never.

You really need to grow up before you start dishing out

the wisdom, mate.

I think it looks perfectly sincere. Mrs Tembe?

No, she wouldn't do that.

What's on your mind, Heston?

This time a year ago,

Marina and I got back together at Jimmi's wedding.

-So?

-She said her heart was racing. Look at the verse.

-It says, "My heart skips a beat." Is that really the same thing?

-It's as near as dammit.

Does she honestly believe that I have romantic feelings,

and she's trying to torment me?

I really doubt that.

You don't know her like I do.

If I get back home and she's sitting on my doorstep!

Then you pick up the phone and call me.

OK, Heston - let's say she did send it. So what?

You're the one holding all the power here.

Because you are just going to ignore it and get on with your day.

Right?

I suppose so.

Me and Cherry did that one.

She looked into my eyes and said, "Don't smudge my lipstick."

-My heart bleeds.

-What?

You'll be pleased to know I'm going.

Told you it was no good coming here.

You just don't get it, do you?

This is the last place I want to be today.

This time last year, we were all having a laugh.

I had Freya's name tattooed to my backside.

Since then, I've lost her - my best mate.

But, hey, what do I know about life?

-Kevin, I didn't mean...

-Yes, you did. Every patronising word of it.

I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.

Is this your ideal? Fluffy romance?

Now who's being patronising?

OK. So do you think things should slot into place, then?

I always thought there was some sort of pattern,

some kind of order.

But nothing makes sense, does it? Take me and my old man.

Essentially I saved his life.

If this was a movie, we'd be inseparable by now.

Long-lost father and son bonded by blood - not to mention stem cells.

But that's not how it is and it never will be.

So what do you do next?

Just keep on swimming.

-Let me buy you a pint first?

-A pint? Mate, we are doing shots!

MUSIC: "My Funny Valentine" by Elvis Costello & the Attractions

Doctor Carter. It's only me.

Mrs Parkinson.

Anne.

Anne, darling! Isn't it time you started calling me Heston?

Or am I being too presumptuous?

Not at all, love.

I'd like you to wear these cotton mitts.

The antique silver is very delicate.

Oh! hadn't expected lunch! I thought you were here for the silver.

I suppose I could rustle something up.

No. Don't go to any trouble. This is for you.

For later.

Oh, how very kind.

Right. Ready for the masterclass!

Excellent.

Don't panic, I've sobered up.

Mr Rocky...

No, please, please, don't throw me out.

I've been beating myself up about the way I spoke to you.

It's the booze.

You're a lady and you deserve respect. I'm here to apologise.

Best bib and tucker and all that.

In that case, I accept.

So long as it does not happen again.

Deal. Listen, we're doing a gig tonight in the Eagle.

You don't have to pay. Just tell them you're with the band. We're called Lead Balloon.

It's a kind of play on Led Zeppelin. My idea.

That is very kind of you, but I must decline, but thank you.

Mr...Mr Rocky,

perhaps you'd care to take one of our leaflets on alcohol?

And perhaps once you have read it,

I can make you an appointment to see one of our doctors.

Cheers, I'll bear that in mind.

Trouble is, I write my best songs when I'm drunk.

See you.

You have to use a soft brush,

otherwise you risk damaging the hallmark.

Yes, I see. Is this all right?

Oh, yes. You're doing a sterling job, no pun intended.

It's good to learn new skills.

Yes, that's what I thought.

So, I think I'll leave you to it and get on with my paperwork.

You don't want me breathing down your neck.

Did you get any valentines?

Why would you ask me that?

No reason. I just thought I saw you with one this morning.

Oh, yes. Somebody's idea of a joke.

It wasn't a joke.

I sent it.

You! What on earth possessed YOU?

I didn't mean to cause any upset.

Upset?

Do you have any idea what sort of...? If I'd have known it was

only you, I would have saved myself a great deal of stress.

Did you get any valentines?

Yeah, I did actually. I got one.

Who is she?

I don't know, Father. It's anonymous.

Have you got the slightest inkling?

No. Probably just a patient or something.

Mrs Tembe, if I'm lucky!

If you had a girlfriend, you would bring her home, wouldn't you? I'd like to meet her.

Are you trying to marry me off?

No! It's just that sometimes it's nice to see a welcome new face.

There, what do you think?

Yeah, it's great. But now for the piece de resistance.

Rose petals? That is so over the top!

Yeah, all right, just get sprinkling!

-Everywhere?

-Around, sprinkle.

-All right.

Get sprinkling. Perfect.

I owe you an abject apology.

-As a matter of fact, yes, you do.

-I misjudged you. The identity of the sender has been ascertained.

I hope we can put this matter behind us.

-Really, who was it, then?

-My cleaning lady.

I thought it was from someone else - the last person in the world I wanted to hear from.

But it wasn't, so what's the big deal?

A mystery woman in my kitchen.

This is what you were planning.

Sam, the table looks gorgeous.

So do you.

Flatterer.

Don't you think she'll cramp our style a bit?

I'll get rid of her when she's served.

I can't remember her name!

Post. I don't know how you can leave it unopened.

Do you want to look at it now?

No!

Wine?

Lovely.

Thank you, Anne, for agreeing to come back.

I just came to give you this.

It's my notice and my key.

Actually, it's not notice in the accepted sense,

because I think I should leave straightaway.

It would be better all round.

If you feel you must, I won't stand in your way.

I was terribly rude, wasn't I?

It was my own fault. I overstepped the mark.

I'd hate us to part like this.

Could we at least share your lovely tiramisu? As friends?

I don't think I could manage it.

Please.

I'd feel so much better if you would.

MUSIC: "You're Just Too Good To Be True" by Andy Williams

Want some help?

No, I don't think so.

Go on, it would be romantic.

I feed you, you feed me.

Be like Lady And The Tramp.

Probably not a great idea, unless you want pasta down your cleavage.

I thought you might quite like that.

HE LAUGHS

I've kind of had enough now, anyway.

I know why you chose this dish.

Sicily.

Oh, yes.

Do you remember the old man in the cafe?

You thought he was Mafia so you were especially nice to him in case

he had you shot!

If I could have this life again, I'd be insulting as well.

Solve a lot of problems.

-Don't, Sam.

-Joke.

Not funny. We've had a wonderful life together.

Yes, we have.

And I want to savour this last part of it.

What makes you think it's the last part?

We've got so much to look forward to.

It's not over till the fat lady sings.

OK! You can come in now.

-Who's there?

-The fat lady singer I booked for tonight.

Good heavens.

Is it awful?

No, quite the reverse.

This is the best tiramisu I've had outside Tuscany.

You don't have to say that.

I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. It's exquisite.

Doctor Carter, I'm sorry I sent you that valentine.

Please, let's say no more about it.

I only did it to cheer you up.

I'd hate you to think I was holding a torch, because I'm not.

Really. That's not to say you're unattractive.

I must apologise for over-reacting. We often do things we regret.

So what shall we talk about, other than food?

I'm sorry my conversation might be a bit limited.

It's just that all the days seem to roll into one at the moment.

Oh, I don't know.

You seem to have been pretty busy since you left hospital.

Do I? News to me.

Letters,

phone calls, visits.

Well, maybe I do have a secret girlfriend after all.

What's going on, Sam?

I so don't want to do this, this evening.

That sounds ominous. You'll have to tell me now.

OK.

I want us to go on holiday.

You, me, Chris.

Two perfect weeks away, just the three of us.

I don't know about perfection with Chris tagging along.

But it sounds lovely.

And then I want to go to Switzerland.

It's a...

euphemism.

You're joking.

I am serious, Em.

You're depressed. You said as much yourself in hospital.

I'm not, and nothing's changed.

It's obscene.

Obscene? No, what's obscene is me,

feeling this carcass falling apart, piece by piece.

But you are making fantastic process.

I almost died.

But you are not dying now.

I think I have the right to choose.

No!

Don't you dare! You have a family.

A son.

Don't you think what you're saying will destroy him?

OK, this...this...

..is a typical response.

What?

I've done some research. And first,

loved ones can feel angry.

But then,

eventually, when they get used to the idea...

Used to the idea?

Used to the idea of my husband taking his own life?

Used to the idea of abandoning every principle I've ever had?

No, I will never get used to the idea.

Are you sure you won't reconsider your resignation?

I'm not sure we can go back to the way we were. You'll easily find someone else, won't you?

Yes, but not someone I can trust so implicitly.

I'm afraid I am the victim of past events.

There are very few people I can invite over my threshold. You are one of them.

In fact, you're the only person

I can leave in my home

for any length of time.

I understand that, Doctor Carter. I always have.

Yes. Well, I won't keep you.

So when would you like me to finish the silver?

Whenever you like.

You're such a dab hand, you won't need any supervision.

Back to normal?

Absolutely.

I'll let myself out, then. Good night.

Good night, Mrs Parkinson. Thank you.

I've phoned Martha. She's coming over.

What shall I tell her?

Why not the truth?

Your silly wife got hysterical

when you told her you wanted to kill yourself.

At least try to understand.

Oh, I understand perfectly.

The meal...

..the flowers, the wine.

I thought this was our new beginning.

But you were saying goodbye in the most calculating way.

Please, Emma, let's just talk.

About what? How you choose death over life with us?

It's not even as if we're religious.

We can't pretend that you're up there somewhere waiting for us,

playing your sodding harp!

I can't do this, Sam.

Where are you going?

There's someone else.

Right, I see.

Someone who loves me,

respects my feelings, puts me first.

And if you think I'm a hard-hearted bitch...

..so be it.

I don't feel that way at all. I'm pleased.

Pleased?

You've found someone. It helps me to know you won't be left on your own.

What kind of man are you?

I can't be around you!

You do just what the man with the camera tells you do to,

because you can have everything you want.

What on earth does he think he's doing?

Up to no good, probably.

This is all about Amber and her career.

I'm not interested in her career. I'm worried about her health.

You are an addict?

Women. Drink. Smack.

You can see how heartbroken she is.

Is there no way you can give her one more chance...?

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