Fifty Shades of Beige Doctors

Louisa!

Louisa, don't come down. I'm leaving something for you.

-PHONE:

-'Croissant. 330 calories.

'Warning! High fat.

'Put that croissant in the bin.

'Head held high and gut sucked in.'

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

-Hey, I'm just calling to check we're still on for tonight.

-No.

No, we're not.

Please, Zara!

Please what, Daniel? More talk?

-But things have changed. I've...

-Changed?

From where I'm standing, not enough.

Please, just...

OK, just tell me what to do and I'll do it.

All I want is time with Joe.

How can there be anything wrong

with wanting to spend time alone with my son?

Seriously? You seriously want me to answer that?

-PHONE:

-'When we move, We drop the pounds.'

Free tickets to another event? Are they mad?

Do they think I'm mad?

They call that entertainment?

They're lucky they didn't have any real stiffs.

Wouldn't have been laughing if I'd had a heart attack, would they?

I do not think any of us would have.

What about Snotty Carmichael, queen of the perpetual sneer?

It was not all bad.

Gordon gave it a go, didn't he?

He almost makes me want to go to church, that man.

Bit of clerical eye candy.

I bet they were all smiling in the pews.

I am going to take a comfort break.

-Is it something I said?

-Usually is.

-PHONE:

-'You have burned 89...'

You've got the GI Diet and Exercise App?

Me too!

Have you tried scanning nutrition panels with it yet?

It's amazing.

"Beep-beep! Warning! High sugar. Beep-beep! Warning! High fat.

"Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!"

I'm using it mostly as a pedometer.

You can make it GP-specific, you know.

# Da-da-da-da-da. #

Touch the medical bag icon. Go on, dare you. Go on!

-PHONE:

-'When we move, we drop the pounds.

'Leave your car and walk your rounds.'

Get in!

Thanks for that.

You're trying to rush me, Daniel. Stop harassing me!

-I don't mean to.

-Well, you are.

I'm just asking you to appreciate how important this is to me,

that's all. Joe gets one childhood...

-Which you are lucky to be part of.

-I need to be with him more.

Then rather than pushing, pushing, pushing, I suggest you back off

and give me credit for the understanding I've shown so far.

Yeah, you understand me so much it hurts.

You're having lunch with me at the Icon today.

I am?

It'll be nice. Give you a bit of a breather.

Amen to that.

Tea?

Oh, yes, please.

-Lapsang?

-Yes.

Al, you've forgotten your list.

Thanks.

Hey, Gordon.

Morning. I just thought I'd pop in and say hello to Mrs Tembe.

Oh, you've just missed her. How are you today?

Fine, fine. Mrs Tembe, really? Have I?

Afraid so.

Oh.

Well, OK, I was just passing, so I thought I'd pop in.

Perhaps I'll pop back later.

Well, you could. You should.

You'll tell her I popped by?

I most certainly will.

Great.

Actually, perhaps I should have my blood pressure checked.

Do you need your blood pressure checking?

Sometimes I feel a bit flushed.

I'll tell you what. Why don't I ring you with an appointment later?

Save you waiting.

Yes, right, great.

Thank you.

Small hot chocolate with skimmed milk, please.

-Skinny?

-Skimmed.

Anything with that?

All-day breakfast baguette served till eleven.

What's in it?

Choice of three. Bacon, veggie bacon, sausage, veggie sausage,

black pudding or eggs.

Onions are free, mushrooms are 50p extra.

I could always fry your baguette.

Mineral water, flat.

Scratch the hot chocolate, but I would like a blueberry muffin.

Low fat?

Yes, please.

You going to tell me what's going on?

I covered for you.

I have no idea what you mean.

You crawled through reception on all fours.

I lost a button.

Was it a very important one?

I thought so at the time.

Why did you hide? What's going on with you and the vicar?

I, er...

I just don't want to bump into Reverend Clement.

Well, evidently not, but why not?

I am anxious that he plans to make a declaration.

A declaration for which I must respond.

I am finding it a bit discombobulating.

You push his buttons!

That is enough talk of buttons.

Well, pull up your pop socks and slap on a girdle.

He's coming back later.

PHONE RINGS

Hi, is it...waiter?

Minute.

Take a seat. With you once I've wiped my pipes.

Window seat is probably better. But I'd avoid the muffin. Stale.

Salad-dodging flabalanche.

Breakfast baguettes've finished.

Now, then, what can I get you two?

After you, Dr Carmichael.

Mrs Hollins, about before...

Fantastic!

You walked your rounds, then?

Incredible, isn't it?

Some swine has stolen my wallet.

Oh, no.

I'll have to cancel all the cards now.

If you dropped it, it might have been handed in to the police.

Maybe in the happy-clappy world.

PHONE RINGS

Mill Health Centre.

PHONE RINGS

What?

Putting you through.

Dr Haskey speaking.

Hello, Dr Haskey. My name's Louisa Truelove.

I've got your wallet,

and I was wondering if you wouldn't mind coming to collect it.

What are you doing?

Ssssh. Caller ID, return call.

'Mate for life, love for ever, your heart is safe in our hands.'

I'm so sorry, I was just after a plumber.

That is atrocious!

"Mate for life, love for ever."

I don't need to tell you how delighted we are to have you back.

No, but it would be nice to hear it.

Well, we are. You were missed.

And now you're combining motherhood...

Single motherhood.

..single motherhood with a very demanding career.

You're doing marvellously.

Do I sound like a patronising prig?

No. I'm coping.

I know things aren't easy.

Sometimes I do feel overwhelmed.

Sometimes that shows.

I am trying!

I know.

What can we do to help?

Off the top of my head?

Lessening my workplace interaction with heels and halfwits

could do the trick.

You asked.

They're the problem?

Daniel is stifling and unremitting, and as for Captain Howard,

I've seen more military might in a cupcake.

Nothing to do with you, then.

What are you suggesting?

Oh, I see, you're picking off the weakest one first.

I hope you've got pep talks scheduled with the two of them.

No.

What? Seriously? You're singling me out?

Zara, sit down.

This is outrageous!

Please sit down.

Thank you.

Try not to overreact.

The Mill is in complete chaos at the moment.

-It's not my fault.

-But I think we can fix it.

Yesterday you were all for dissolving the partnership.

That was a warning shot across the bows

to try and focus everyone's attention.

I know you're under a great deal of pressure.

It is not my fault.

It's all on top of me, all of the time.

Every time I close my eyes, just for a moment,

I open them and Daniel is there,

wanting something, asking for something. There, always.

I know.

I don't want it to be like this.

A saint would be resentful.

Exhaustion.

But, Zara, it's caustic.

That's what we have to confront.

Don't you think I've tried?

Dr Haskey?

Have we met before?

Louisa Truelove.

Truelove?

Is that a stage name?

Ironically not, but, please, call me Louisa.

You were too quick this morning.

The coffee shop.

With that posturing, muscle-bound douchebag.

I didn't think I'd see this again. Thanks. Would've been a complete nightmare.

I know.

So, I thought that maybe in return I could make a little hay?

Doctor, do you mind if I ask you..?

Something medical?

The done thing is to point you in the direction of your own GP.

I have an almost pathological need for discretion.

I'm at the Mill Health Centre.

And?

One of your receptionists became a near neighbour here about a year ago.

I went to her housewarming.

Can you imagine Karen Hollins passing up the opportunity

to nosey into her neighbour's business?

Gobby Hollins? I don't think so.

PHONE RINGS

-Sorry. I've got to take this.

-Do you want me to..?

No, no, it's fine.

Andrew. How are you?

You having a wee bit of a wobble?

Right, so what do we say to ourselves?

You are a wonderful and beautiful man.

And you deserve that wonderful woman

and that wonderful million-pound house, because...?

Right. Wonderful and beautiful.

So be interested in her.

OK, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Bye.

Sorry about that.

These are delicious, the salted caramels are my favourite.

Want one?

I can't, I'm detoxing.

Shame.

-PHONE:

-'You can do it. Yes, you can. Inside you is one buff man.'

I have this app. I suspect it might be psychic. It turns itself on.

I hate technology.

Doctor, I really think I've got a strep throat,

and I know that can be really nasty if you pass it on,

so would you just..?

Please?

Go on, let's have a look.

I hate the sort of women who snivel in wine bars.

I'm rather fond of this one.

Do you really want to hear it, Heston?

I wouldn't if I were you.

I hope I'm your friend.

I tend to bum my friends out at the moment.

Being a constant puddle of misery does that.

I have very broad shoulders.

People think, and I thought,

that I could get over anything.

Put the deceit and the betrayal into a compartment and that was that.

But the fact that he turned to her, Heston.

It wasn't "just sex".

Daniel was aching and in need.

He turned to her for comfort because he couldn't find ease with me.

She delivered my son.

She saved his life.

I owe her everything...

..and I hate her...

..because then she did that.

No-one planned anything.

If you think about it long enough, you see plans.

Don't think about it.

Betrayal to one side. What about Joe?

Did Daniel hurt Joe?

He was so angry, Heston.

He was holding him at arm's length. If I hadn't been there...

But you were.

Daniel was suffering from a temporary mental imbalance.

You have to move forward.

Did you give Marina the benefit of the doubt?

Didn't you tell yourself that she was just

temporarily mentally imbalanced?

I knew, if I'm honest...

..that from the very first slap she would do it again and again.

Then how can you be so sure about Daniel?

Because I have seen him suffer to win your trust.

I mean, this is a man who had sought out help and accepted it.

So I'm supposed to give him a second chance,

even if it puts Joe at risk?

If there was a rash,

it was probably just a spot of contact dermatitis.

So it's not impetigo?

-Definitely not.

-Scabies?

You haven't got scabies.

Actually, you know what, I think I've got the beginnings of a verruca.

You want me to look at your foot now?

Would you mind? Verrucas can be very catching, can't they?

Right. If you went swimming and you didn't wear a swim sock,

and if you skipped past that little pool of gloopy disinfectant,

and then if you rubbed your pestilent foot all over

the sole of an innocent, you might - I repeat, might -

be responsible for a minor verruca outbreak.

So how about you tell me why you're so desperate to be quarantined?

I suppose I blame myself.

For what?

Playing my part in bringing him to that point.

He was ill.

I can still see him.

What he did. I don't want to, but I can.

Can you give Daniel a chance to earn your trust?

I don't know.

You do know.

You do want to resolve it. You do want to trust him.

Maybe.

There are three people in the partnership.

You want to talk about work? Now?!

And the most important is little,

apple-cheeked, with a disarming giggle.

Joe could have a mum and a dad who love him.

Daniel has been a wonderful father for Izzy - let him do that for Joe.

And, as you brought it up, would a spot of equilibrium

at the practice be such a bad thing?

I can't go on a date.

I don't date.

I'm only great at dating when it's other people's dating.

A mate set me up with somebody,

and it was just by e-mail until this morning.

Then I got a present on the doorstep.

You see, if I had something contagious, I could cancel,

and I think if I cancel again then he might just leave it.

Just tell him you've got gonorrhoea. That should put him off for good.

But why don't you date?

Oh, please.

No, I'm serious, why not?

Traumatic experience?

I have dated three men in my life.

Henry Wong, Philip Leash...

..and Nigel Batchelor.

Henry was gay, but he wasn't sure until I kissed him.

Philip tried to defraud me. The police got involved,

I wasn't the only one, he got three years.

And Nigel?

Nigel didn't turn up for our wedding.

Scumbag.

He had an excuse.

He'd died in the barber's chair that morning.

He'd been complaining of headaches for weeks.

And when he died,

you decided to become some sort of beige Queen Victoria?

You've draped yourself in fifty shades of beige,

and put yourself back on the shelf?

Well, I'm glad you find it so funny.

I don't.

Have you got a girlfriend?

Is that a professional enquiry?

It wasn't a pass.

Not that it's any of your business...

It's just that I've got lots of female clients,

you know, who are in the market for...

Nice try. We're not talking about me.

I could match you up like that.

Pack it in. Come on, stop hiding behind the beige and risk it.

I sort out other people's relationships. I don't have them.

Why?

Because you're scared.

You are not just some emotional facilitator.

So what if you get rejected?

So what if you don't fit in to the norm?

So what if they just don't see you in that way?

I don't think I'm not normal.

If you're never really scared, then you're never really alive.

You have to put yourself out there even if it means getting hurt.

Even if it means that you have to hear,

"I'm your friend, I just don't see you in that way."

That hurts, but you pick yourself up and you get out there.

Then they'll say, "But I still want to be able to hug you."

"You're my squeezable friend",

which, by the way, is doublespeak for "I do not date big chaps."

She really hurt you, didn't she?

We're not talking about me. We're talking about you.

And you turned one gay, got one arrested and you killed the other.

What else can happen?

If I may chance my arm with a little more broaching, Howard...

Howard?

Howard and his partner potential.

Howard and his partner potential?

This isn't going to work if you just repeat what I say.

No, but it delays me having to respond to it.

Howard has his faults...

His colossal pettiness!

..but he's a good man,

and I had no choice but to trust him and rely on him.

We could do a lot worse.

I doubt we could do much better.

I'm done about six, so, say, 6.30?

All right then, mate. Speak to you later. Bye.

Hi.

I meant to say something earlier about the mole on your neck.

I'm a GP - not a melanoma or carcinoma guy especially,

but I have seen a thing or two, catch my drift?

Right.

Now, it might not be malignant. So best to get it checked out.

OK.

And stay off the sunbed. What is this? Letherbridge Peach?

See you later, Gordon.

Bye.

Was that Reverend Clement?

He's coming in last thing. I'm doing his blood pressure.

He suddenly feels the urgent need of getting it done.

It is very important to monitor your blood pressure.

Now, I was hoping to get off a little early...

He's not bothered about his blood pressure!

If he wants a date, what's the problem?

He is a man of the cloth.

So?

I do not know.

He's a man!

Somebody's got to tell you this - it might as well be me.

Pee or get off the pot.

PHONE RINGS

-Mill Health Centre, how can I help?

-Hello, it's Louisa Truelove.

Dr Haskey? Personal? Putting you through.

PHONE RINGS

Dr Haskey speaking.

I called him, I spoke to him,

and I'm supposed to be meeting him in an hour, but I can't do it.

It's going to be a disaster, I know it is. I can't go.

Repeat after me.

I am a good person and I deserve a good man.

'I am a good person and...'

I deserve a good man.

Yes, you do.

Now go out there and get him.

Louisa?

Mr Wright.

Thanks for the chocolates.

That wasn't too stalky, was it?

No. Not at all. It was a lovely thing to do.

So, dinner, then. Somewhere special, I think.

Yeah.

Your hair looks very beautiful.

Oh, it's just...

Actually, can I do something first?

Yeah, whatever you want.

He's not coming.

Who is not coming?

Gordon. Something horrible has happened

and he's had to go off and do some vicaring. He's just phoned.

I was not expecting the reverend.

I was hoping to get return tickets to see Madame Butterfly.

He likes you.

It is on at the Hippodrome.

I'm sure he does.

He might be the right button.

That is enough haberdashery talk.

Keep them till you're done with your daft detox.

They're a thank you from both of us.

Why is my neighbour kissing Al? Giving him chocolates?

Buttons, chocolates, the world's gone mad!

Salted caramels.

Yeah.

See you.

What about the supermarket shop?

I can carry the heavy stuff. Look at me.

No pressure.

Thanks.

No, though.

I've already done it online.

See you.

PHONE: 'When your gut gets in the way,

'shut your mouth and have your say.'

'When your gut gets in the way, shut your mouth and have...'

Had enough, as you can tell.

Hello, salted caramel.

TV TURNS ON

Aaah!

I'll be with you in second. Ambulance, please.

Letherbridge University, campus surgery.

Have you eaten yet? Want to join me in a sandwich?

Why don't you just ask me, Em, if you want to know.

Hiding from someone, Mrs Tembe?

No. I was checking this plant for greenfly.

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