Acting Strangely Doctors

MUSIC: "Feeling Good" by Michael Buble

# Fish in the sea

# You know how I feel

# River running free

# You know how I feel

# Blossom on a tree

# You know how I feel

# It's a new dawn It's a new day

# It's a new life

# For me

# And I'm feeling good. #

MUSIC STOPS

I'm sorry, this is probably a complete waste of your time.

My mother overreacting, as usual - she insisted I should come in.

I cut myself a bit making dinner last night.

What brought you here today?

Apart from the bus? I cut myself.

Right. When was this?

Last night.

Right. Sorry, what was your name again?

Susan Anderson. It's ridiculous - I'm fine.

My mum noticed this cut I got chopping vegetables,

but she wouldn't believe me.

She gets like that.

Right. Well, I'd better take a look.

Does it hurt when I do this?

No, not much.

Did you run it under the tap? Antiseptic?

Of course.

-<

-Help! Help! Can somebody help me?

Well, I think it's probably fine - it doesn't look infected.

-You can tell your mother not to worry.

-Great. Thanks.

Oh.

Am I done?

Um, I'm not really here. Just wallpaper.

Right.

Bye, then. I'll just go and shred my arm again, shall I?

While your mother draws up a lawsuit against the practice.

That was painful.

I have seen worse, if you can believe it.

It's even written here as they come in - Psychiatric Station.

What was he thinking?

He prodded the cut without washing his hands,

and then told me it wasn't infected.

It is now.

He could be a consultant surgeon?!

A bright future in pathology maybe?

Hi, I'm sorry, this is probably a complete waste of your time.

My mother overreacting, as usual...

Well, no, but I need the information now...

Well, if I'm going to compile this report the way you want me to,

then you're going to have to tell me.

Why? What do you mean? Well you must do.

Of course she must know!

Fine. I'll just guess it, shall I? For goodness' sake!

Oh, no! Agh...

Nice prioritising, Practice Manager!

Outfit ahead of everything else. I usually try to arrange it

that Joe pukes on Daniel if I get enough warning.

I'm really busy, do you mind if...

It won't take long, it's just this job share...

Now you know that half of Daniel and half of me

adds up to a whole lot more than the sum of our very alluring parts.

Well, I thought we settled all this, you know, earlier.

Yes, but you've tried to pin us down to who does what day,

right up until we cash in our chips.

With the unpredictable demands of childcare

we need it to be more open sometimes.

We did work out this rota together, you know.

What do you care which of the charm offensive you get?

As long as one of us rocks up, it doesn't matter.

I'm really sorry, Zara, I've a lot on today.

I can't take on anything else.

I've got post-PCT confusion, loads of pressure from above.

Can we do this another day?

Fine, we know we're not wanted, don't we, Joe?

Bye-bye.

BELL RINGS

Our favourite candidate - "examiner rest".

Oh, these are rubbing off.

I'm not sure any of them will get that far.

Let's not give up hope.

-<

-Help! Help! Can somebody help me?

This place is surreal. An almighty glitch in the Matrix.

Groundhog Day without the comedy.

I don't know about that.

So, how long have you been doing this?

Since about a year after leaving drama school, when I can get it.

Beats temping or waitressing.

-Better money?

-Infinitely. Plus it is acting, sort of.

And it can get quite emotional.

And you can't fake it - your audience is right there.

You should put it on your CV.

I might, there's nothing else to put on it.

-Credit crunch?

-It's always been impossible.

You should get the entire profession in for counselling.

I don't know. Following your dreams, doing something that you love,

getting paid to enjoy coffee and biscuits. I think you'll live.

Speaking of, how would you like...

Ah, I'm fine, thanks.

I wonder if they've got any of those pastries left

they gave us when we came in?

Go for it.

I'll sit here and not receive a call from my agent,

-offering me a job propelling me to fame and fortune.

-OK.

I'll not meet the next medical genius

on my way to getting a pain au chocolat.

Sounds like a plan.

No, no, I'll definitely pick you up. Bye then.

Hot date?

My class with Mrs Tembe.

There's something very empowering about self-defence.

Mrs Tembe needs empowering?!

Coming through.

Whoa, where's the fire?

If I had my way, under all those PCT documents.

Now listen, can you see where I spilt the coffee?

-No, you're fine.

-You sure?

-No, looking good.

Is this the hot date?

It's only lunch.

Only lunch?

Would this be lunch with Martin?

Can lunch with Martin ever be ONLY lunch?

Yes, of course it's with Martin.

It's the only thing that's keeping me going at the moment.

Mmm, we won't wait up then.

MICROWAVE BEEPS

Hello, can you hear me? Can you hear me?

Help! Help! Somebody help me!

Oh. Am I supposed to wash my hands, even if it's an emergency?

Sorry, you're just wallpaper, aren't you?

Actually this coffee is surprisingly good.

They know they won't get proper doctors to be examiners

unless they coddle them.

How right they are. You know, it's like a club -

people crawling out from under the stones

of medical research at the prospect of free food and a gossip.

Aren't you going to join them?

No.

I should probably check for calls. You never know.

Mmm...

MUSIC: "Scarborough Fair" by Simon and Garfunkel.

# Are you going to Scarborough Fair...? #

Oh, I love this song!

That's what you get dealing at the plusher end of used cars.

The punters have taste. Take a part-exchange,

never know what you'll find in the glove compartment.

Oh, I can't tell you how much I need this.

Honestly, mindless bureaucrats! Do you know, not one of them

knows how to run a practice, not one of them. They've had me

jumping through hoops today and I'm no closer to finding out

how we proceed with all this.

HE TUTS

Oh, sorry, sweetheart, you don't need all this, do you?

No, carry on.

-# ...A cambric shirt

-A deep forest green... #

BELL RINGS

Great - lunch! Thought we'd never get there.

Great. I'll see you there.

Dr Cassidy, I am very much looking forward to this.

It will be most refreshing to give those good-for-nothings

a taste of their own medicine.

That's a widespread misconception, Mrs Tembe.

Self-defence is essentially reactive and non-aggressive.

It's about making yourself a conduit, and channelling,

channelling your attacker's negative energies back -

-back on to them.

-Oh!

Right. Welcome ladies.

Now, I don't want you to get all paranoid,

just because you're taking a self-defence class.

We'll be thinking about risks,

and you're going to get more aware of potential danger.

But that's so you'll be able to

assess every situation, and how to deal with it.

OK? It's not like there's psychos lurking on every date.

Complacency is not appropriate.

I happen to know that there are some unfortunate women

who attract these vicious brutes, time and time again.

Well, so I have heard.

Right...

We've all been there you know. Hard up.

Stock up while you can.

I'm not THAT desperate.

SIXTIES' MUSIC PLAYS # Are you looking for a way...? #

Do you know I used to play this album non-stop when I first got it.

What a year that was!

You're telling me. It's not often we win the World Cup.

It's not often you fall in love for the first time either.

-Hmm?

-His name was Brian Hutchinson.

Brian Hutchinson, eh? Is that who I'm up against?

Anyway, one of my friends told him I loved sherbet,

so he buys me this HUGE bag of it and presents it to me,

and then invites me onto the carousel in the park.

You couldn't refuse his Dip Dabs?

It was a lovely moment though. Mwah!

So did Brian Hutchinson get any action?

Do you mind? We were barely teenagers. We did kiss though.

The two of us got our braces got tangled up,

but still I thought it was the best thing that had happened to me.

Until I saw him tangling braces with my friend the next week.

Well, ex-friend.

Now, I know you probably want to get in there,

but this first session is going to be about avoiding confrontation.

To engage is to enrage.

Sometimes you can deflect conflict by staying neutral

and not rising to it.

Steady, non-threatening eye contact, open body language, and a calm word.

Like with reptiles in the bush.

And we've all been out with one of those.

So today we'll be learning "verbal diffusion". Like it says on the tin,

the use of words to calm a potentially aggressive situation.

There is much wisdom in this.

Thanks.

I myself have found this technique to be most effective.

Only the other week a patient come into the surgery,

that is where we work, wishing to complain.

I talked to him for some considerable time

and it worked miraculously.

-Good. Now, that's...

-He stopped his arguing, and I've not seen him since.

Language is a wondrous thing, with the power to soothe the savage soul.

It is a tool in your hand, and Mr Barnes is clearly a man

who is acquainted with a great many tools.

Remember - "choice speech". Find out what they're after.

Your stuff, your body, your life?

You is like new in the hood.

I will blooming off you if I so choose.

I don't think anyone actually speaks like that.

No, no, no, I saw this in a film only last week.

Keep alert. What's the terrain like? What about your attacker -

weak points?

Look at my face. Am I even bothered?

Do you know what I am saying, blood?

I'm sorry, I'm finding this very distracting.

I am a dangerous geezer,

and you would do well to follow my commands

if you know what the heck is good for you.

I'd like to help you, if you feel able to share...

This is a stick-up. Hand over the flipping dosh, innit?

I know where you're coming from.

It's clear you've had a difficult time.

You know nothing about my life, lady. Huh.

You think you can judge my life of penury

with your wishy-washy bleeding heart and your fancy words?

I've haven't said anything...

Talk to my hand,

because my face, it will not say anything.

You doctors think you are better than us common folk.

You wouldn't know I'm a doctor!

Enough already, with your touchy-feely therapy.

I'm sorry, I'm finding this unnecessarily personal.

Hand over the swag, you dozy cow!

Now, look here...

You're letting yourself get drawn in.

Thank you. Have another go.

Try not to get drawn in. CLEARS THROAT

Hah! YOU are having a laugh!

I am the guv'nor of these parts and I will fleece you good and proper.

The signing of the deeds is going through.

-Already?

-Yep.

All that's outstanding on my to-do list is my going away bash tomorrow,

and then it's all done and dusted.

No more petty bureaucrats for me.

-Lucky old you. If only.

-You know how to fix it. Just walk away.

Not now, Martin, please? Come on, don't spoil it.

What, can't you bear to leave all that grief

-they gave you this morning?

-We've talked about this.

Anyway this might be the last lunch

we can have together

without a military operation involving two tanks of petrol.

Well, come away with me and you can save the environment.

Stop it, please?

Why can't you just enjoy the moment, like you're always telling me to do?

Thank you

OK, swap hammers and carry on.

Who do you think you are, coming into my house at night?

I'm the one with the power here, lady.

I don't think you're in any position to argue.

Sorry, I wasn't clear.

I didn't just mean swap hammers - I meant switch roles as well.

We have.

Take yourself off, young man, and think yourself lucky.

I'm going nowhere till I get what I came for.

You think you are so big, with your weapon and your bling.

You are nothing but a silly little bully. Now go! Shoo!

I don't think you're listening!

Do not take your dissatisfaction

with your pathetic circumstances out on me.

It is not my fault your sad little life is bland and unfulfilled.

Hand over the money, you dozy cow.

Oh, wash your mouth out!

What dark and sordid depths must lie within you.

-SHOUTS

-Give me the money!

Give me the money!

Soothing power of speech?

You're going to get yourself a right proper kicking,

laying into people like that.

You've got to give them a chance

of backing down without them losing face.

Oh, I didn't realise you were waiting.

Yeah, I heard you throwing up.

Yeah, I wonder whether it was those prawns I had at lunchtime?

Which might possibly work, if I hadn't been heard you using

exactly that kind of evasion every five minutes.

Sorry?

I'm a doctor. You can talk to me.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I can't. I'm not quite...

Bulimia is a serious condition.

You can't just ignore it and hope it'll go away.

Who said anything about bulimia?

You must know the risks - you're an intelligent woman.

The damage to your teeth, the effect on your heart.

Leave me alone. You've no right to talk to me like this!

Please, please. If you can't face your own doctor,

then make an appointment with me. I can help you...

Why do I need a doctor? It's just an upset stomach!

Can't you see what you're doing to yourself?

BELL RINGS Our next session.

Next time will be counter-combat skills -

you'll probably get a better handle on that.

Not everyone's good with words, see you next time.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

Funny the things you say when you're in character.

None of them meant, of course...

I understand, Dr Cassidy. Apology accepted.

I think you know perfectly well why your mother is worried,

Miss Anderson. And I can't help you if you won't be honest with me.

Self-harming can be very dangerous. Do you know the risks?

Hold on! Who said anything about self-harming?!

Come on, it's pretty obvious.

-Can I look at your arm, please?

-No.

-I'm not going to hurt you.

-I said, "No!"

-OK, time out.

-You're not supposed to speak.

Yep. But I am supposed to intervene if you do something inappropriate.

But this is an exam.

She has to let me look at her or I'll lose marks.

You can't examine or treat a patient without their consent.

And you certainly can't manhandle them like that.

Rewind to before that.

Miss Anderson. Susan, I only want to help.

I've got some leaflets here on self-harming.

They will explain the causes and dangers,

and the various forms of treatment.

I told you. I cut myself chopping vegetables.

Can't you see what you're doing to yourself?

Well, anyway...

..you're welcome to come back in a few days if you don't feel better.

General Practice isn't a quiz.

You don't get marks for correctly identifying the condition.

What's the point, if they won't let you treat them?

It is unbelievably hard to acknowledge this kind of problem.

Of course they'll tell you they cut themselves shaving their legs,

or chopping vegetables. It's not depression,

it's just they've been too busy to see their friends.

It's not heart palpitations, too much coffee.

It's not bulimia, it's just a stomach bug, for example.

Give them a safe space, make it easier for them.

Then maybe, in time, you'll get their trust.

OK, you probably want me to put my money where my mouth is.

Hannah, if you'll time this for us, please?

OK?

Um, good morning, Miss Anderson, how can I help?

Look, I'm sorry, this is probably a complete waste of your time...

No peeking, Parsons.

-OK.

-Keep your eyes closed.

-I am!

-OK, OK, face me, face me.

-OK, OK!

Open! Sherbet Dip Dabs!

-Oh!

-You love my spontaneity, don't you?

Aw! Oh, and you said you'd stopped for chewing gum.

I lied.

I haven't had sherbet Dip Dabs for years.

You see! We're great together. You know it, I know it.

That squirrel over there knows it.

Yeah, but I don't know

if I'd be getting Arthur Daley or Bob the Builder.

I may be spontaneous and I may have made some wrong choices

in my life, but I stuck with my business for 40 years.

I've been planning this house project for the last eight.

I can commit, and I want to commit to you.

Well,

if this relationship of ours is right,

then the long distance thing will work, and if not, then...

Well it's going to be a hard slog

but what are you afraid of - having a life?

Come and live with me, please?

Martin, come on.

I've got a life here - the Mill, my friends.

Can't you just let it drop?

Work again. No-one on their deathbed

ever wished they'd spent more time at the office.

The Mill is not just a business to me, it's my family.

And I'm not going to just jack it all in for a man that I barely know,

who, with respect, has a dodgy track record.

You're afraid of being happy.

Now that's a lie.

And what makes you think my happiness depends on you anyway?!

I see how you are when you're with me.

If you knew the first thing about me,

you would know how much this place means to me.

If you cared about me at all,

it'd mean something to you as well.

-I do care.

-Yeah,

about yourself, and your plans, and your grand design.

Well, I know where I belong.

I've got to get back to work.

And why do you think your mother might be concerned, Susan?

Has this kind of thing happened before?

Well, once or twice.

And does that worry you?

Why should it worry me?

Well you've come to see me, after all.

I just wondered if there was something you'd like to talk about.

Whatever's happened before,

whatever anyone said to your mother, or anyone else.

We can start again now, a clean page.

I'll listen and I won't judge.

Would it be OK for me to have a look?

OK.

Um, if it's all right with you, only if you're ready,

I'd like to have a look at the rest of your arm.

I hate myself every time I do it.

It's OK. Take your time.

It used to make me feel good, like, um, I could control things

and change things that I didn't like.

But it just goes on and on, and it doesn't make me feel better,

it just reminds me how useless I am, and how hopeless my life is.

And I can't tell anyone, and I don't know how to stop.

But you just did tell someone.

And if you've got the guts to do that, believe me you can stop.

I promise you.

Time.

Give that woman an Oscar.

Thank you, thank you.

I'd like to thank my agent, my director,

my stuffed meerkat collection...

OK.

So it's nigh on impossible in five minutes, but you get the idea.

I must have been out of my mind to think I could have a relationship

with someone like you.

I know exactly how you feel.

You just don't get it, do you, Martin?

You seem to think that if I don't drop everything over on a whim

and come away with you, that I wouldn't be able to enjoy my life!

You're scared it'll go sour again. I'm not Mac.

I'm not Brian whatshisname.

You can make the right choice, just trust yourself.

Trust you, you mean. I don't even really know you!

-Oh!

-THEY SCREAM

TYRES SQUEAL

HORN BLARES

BELL RINGS

I will not miss that sound.

You're going to love the next group.

It's got that guy in that said you needed stitches.

That should be a laugh.

HORN BLARES

Aah!

This is really weird, but I've just seen one of these on an RTC victim.

I can assure you, all our deceased are present and correct.

BOTH: # And then you've gotta slow it down... #

He's going off already! # Da-da-da... #

My magic move - it never fails!

-You're an idiot, incompetent, airhead!

-Yeah, all right,

I get it!

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