A Suburban Affair Doctors

16 minutes.

We're going to do this, yes?

We've made the appointment...

-but if you're not sure...

-Oh, I'm sure.

Cathy, for what it's worth I think you're amazing.

You know, we don't have to rush into this.

Are you kidding me?

I've been looking forward to a massage

and an undisturbed coffee for weeks.

Besides, I've booked the salon.

-We can change the appointment if you don't feel Joe's ready.

-What do you mean by "we"?

It is me that was up at 2am this morning up to my elbows in baby pooh,

me that is wired to a pump five times a day like a dairy-cow,

and me that is looking forward to a few hours of me time, thank you very much.

-What's wrong with that?

-Nothing.

-Good. So, stop fussing then.

-I'm not.

He's just he's never been left with anyone apart from us before.

DOORBELL RINGS She's early!

I'll go, I'll go.

Hello, come in!

Joe, look who's here to see you.

Hey, Joe! Hey, Zara.

-So, I'm going to leave my phone on today, if you need anything just call.

-What are you doing, Daniel?!

Just making sure that Aliona's OK.

-Aliona knows perfectly well what to do. Don't embarrass her.

-I'm not.

It's fine.

Sorry, Aliona, apologies, he's not fully weaned yet.

I'm just trying to make sure...

We'll take it from here, Supernanny. You can go and be a good doctor.

-Have a good day. Love you, bye.

-Bye-bye.

Hey!

What?

First eggs, now flowers?

"Dress to the nines"! Who does this man think he is?

Never mind that, who is he?

He is one of the most puffed-up, self-opinionated,

arrogant men I've ever met!

Yes, but is he dishy?

That's the best place for those.

Anti-bac wipes, my number, Daniel's number, emergency numbers...

and I've left instructions for the bottle warmer, in case you need.

Great. I'm sure I'll be fine. You go and enjoy yourself!

I might just change his nappy before I...

It's fine, I'll do it. You go.

OK, well, the spare nappies are...

Underneath the changing table, I remember.

Don't worry, we're going to be just dandy, aren't we, Jo-Joe?

I'll leave my mobile on, just in case you need me.

Wave bye-bye to Mummy.

-Bye-bye!

-Bye-bye.

-Bye-bye!

-Bye.

I've told you, I'm depressed!

OK. And when did the depression start up again?

-Last week.

-Last week?

No, actually a bit before that. I can't remember exactly.

OK, right.

And in terms of lifestyle, your diet, exercise, have you...

Look love, I'm a grown woman,

I'm getting panic attacks and the tablets stop them.

I don't want to sit just contemplating my navel,

I want them to STOP!

Listen, I don't want to waste the doctor's time and all that,

I'm not a nut job, if you'll pardon the expression,

so why don't you just be a treasure

and give me a prescription so that I can get better, hm?

(Please.)

Mrs Dayman, these are heavy-duty psychoactive drugs,

-I can't just prescribe them...

-I've had 'em before!

-Yes, five years ago, 2007...

-Oh, for crying out loud!

It's no wonder the NHS is in a mess.

-Yeah, we don't seem to be getting on very...

-Well, it's your fault! You're making me stressed.

I won't prescribe tablets

when you won't at least entertain the idea of some lifestyle changes.

Are you looking at my breasts?

I beg your pardon?

It's my word against yours.

I'm sorry, is this... Is this blackmail?

I know my human rights.

-Consultation's over, I'd like you to leave.

-Not without my prescription.

-I can make you an appointment with a female doctor if you'd...

-No!

OK.

Mrs Tembe, would you come in here, please? Yes, right away.

Oh, forget it! Honestly!

The state of this country!

Bingo!

-Oh! Well done!

-Get in the car, quick!

-What's happened?

Just get in the car, get in the car!

-What...?

-Drive, drive, drive!

Drive! Just drive!

Hi, it's me, I just wanted a quick...

-Are you busy?

-That depends.

Sorry to disturb, it's just I've got Stephen Bickley with me.

Oh, right, you'd better come in.

He was one of yours, right?

Thankfully not any more.

Well, he's saying you told him

-that he doesn't need to take his medication.

-Oh!

-I didn't think you'd say that.

-What I, in fact, agreed to, under duress,

was to give him a few months to get his symptoms under control

using astral breathing, or whatever it is he lionises,

before we reassess his blood pressure.

-It's sky-high.

-Then it's up to you to fight the good fight

and persuade him as to the merits of 21st-century medicine.

-ACE inhibitors?

-Correct.

That's what I thought. I just thought I'd check first. Thanks.

Not that I didn't know what to prescribe him.

Julia told you about my exams, right?

-I aced them.

-No, she didn't.

Oh, really? Oh?

I suppose it was whilst all that stuff was happening with you and...

So, you weren't here.

You don't want to keep Mr Bickley waiting.

Yeah.

Oh! Didn't see your kitchen before.

What?

-Straight upstairs was it?

-Oh, no... I didn't mean... Sorry.

CATHY LAUGHS

Oh, it's all right, love, I'm only joking you!

Besides...

..you're not the first.

Here, open this.

-So, he hasn't shown you his rogues gallery then?

-Erm...

No.

Oh, I'm surprised.

It's usually the first place he shows people.

A proper little Marlon Brando he thinks he is.

Now, let me guess, he told you he was in the film industry.

How did you know?

I've been married to him 26 years!

He makes wedding videos.

I'm so gullible.

It's not your fault, come here, he's a charmer!

BOTH: Whoo!

So, are we really going to do this?

Oh, I reckon we are, yes!

What do you think?

-She really likes him.

-Ooh!

I don't!

I don't even know this man.

Methinks the Practice Manager doth protest too much.

What does he drive?

A car!

Oh, sounds perfect!

Can we just drop this, please?

Oh, come on, Julia, you've got to give people a chance.

No, I don't!

I happen to believe that first impressions are very important.

You don't just start something with the wrong person

hoping they'll change because we all know that THAT never happens.

I left my cup in my room.

SHE MOUTHS

Let's get this straight.

I go to aerobics, as per.

You send him a saucy text - tell him you're hot and frisky.

He'll come over, tail wagging.

Little bit of champagne cocktail,

little bit of how's-your-mother's-live-in-lover

and before you know it you get carried away and...

Ta-dah!

THEY TITTER

Wait for the tablets kick in, make sure he's tied up safely,

then you call me, I come round and we begin Operation Payback.

How's that sound?

Sounds like a plan!

Oh, and I've been having a sneaky little practise with his camera.

-Better get to it.

-Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, you know what, Shirl?

Getting to know you these last few weeks

almost makes up for what he's done to me.

I haven't laughed like this for years.

Well, 26 years in fact!

No, no, no, that's not fair.

Give him his due, he was all right on his wedding night! THEY LAUGH

How's this?

Oh, no, you can't be subtle, love.

Men are dogs, they like a bit of filth.

It's called sexting, they love it.

PHONE BEEPS

There you are, you see? Someone's keen.

It worked!

That's revolting.

Oh. That's Mike.

Right...

game on, as they say!

PHONE RINGS

Julia!

Hi, Zara, it's only me.

Listen, I'm just firming up a date for the next Partner's Meeting,

'just wondered if you wanted to be there?'

I...

'Well, I mean, if you don't it's OK'

but if you do then I can make it a date that fits in with you and Joe.

I've left him.

You've left Daniel?!

No, Joe! I've left him all on his own.

-With the nanny?

-Mmm.

-Uh-huh, he'll be fine.

-But I'm not!

'Don't beat yourself up.'

Look, I can leave committing to a date till next week, if that's OK?

Thank you.

And, please...try and enjoy yourself, OK?

Oh, Josephine, je t'aime.

J'ai retourne de Waterloo et je suis faim.

Je suis faim de femme.

What?

I'm hungry for a woman.

Oh, right!

Do you mind if we do this in English?

Well, we can do it however you want, you filthy little fox!

The text thou hast sent me has given me the horn.

-(FRENCH ACCENT)

-Sire, you have conquered Europe

but can you conquer me?

Oh, I like it, Josephine!

I have brought you the finest Champagne from France...

Burgundy! You see, we're in France.

..to celebrate your victory, my Lord.

Are you sure you want to do this...m'lord?

I want you.

Bien sur, baby.

-Just making sure he's OK.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

Hold on. Come in.

I'm just on the phone.

I am sorry for interrupting you but it is important, Dr Granger.

Look, I'll call you back. Bye.

The pharmacy have been trying to call you all morning.

They are worried that there may be a mistake

with a prescription for a Mrs Dayman.

I didn't give Mrs Dayman a prescription.

You got to be joking.

Get her on the phone right away, please.

# Not just where you pump and grind it! #

How's it going, Shirl?

'Do we have lift-off?'

He's gone floppy!

'What?! What are you talking about?'

I don't know, he's not right he's...floppy! What do I do?

What's happened? How much did he have?

All of it.

ALL OF IT?!

He was only supposed to have a bit!

I couldn't stop him - I didn't want him to guess, did I?

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do!

Call an ambulance! Have you called an ambulance?!

(He's stopped breathing!)

'WHAT?! Shirl?'

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, oh, oh!

PHONE RINGS

Shirley?

-'Mrs Dayman? This is Dr Granger from the Mill Health Centre.'

-Who?

You came here this morning.

I need you to come back to the surgery as soon as possible.

You know them tranquilisers you gave me this morning...

I didn't give you the tranquilisers, you stole...

What happens when you take them with booze?

-'Could it kill you?'

-Have you taken some tablets...

Mrs Dayman, have you taken an overdose?

'Mrs Dayman?'

Ohh!

Mrs Dayman?!

I don't believe it.

OK, can you call an ambulance, please,

to the address of Mrs Cathy Dayman.

Mike?

Mike!

Mike! MIKE!

Mike! Mike! Mike! MIKE! MIKE!

Oh!

Mike! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Mike!

-Mrs Dayman, what's happened? What's going on?

-MIKE! Oh!

-Have you taken the tablets?

-Oh, ooh, what have I done? What have I done?!

I need you to calm down and tell me what happened.

If someone's taken those tablets, I need to know.

OK, let's get you inside. Come on.

-I'm fine, I'm fine. Honestly, It's just...

-Whoa!

No, it's all right.

I've got wobbly legs.

It's genetic. SHE PANTS

I-I-I-I'm fine.

-OK, you definitely haven't taken anything?

-No.

OK. So what's going on? Who was in the ambulance?

I-I-I-I think it might have been my...husband.

Has he taken an overdose?

Possibly.

And was it the tranquilisers that you had on your prescription?

-We need to get to the hospital and let them know what he's taken.

-No, no! It's all right!

I'll take a bus.

I've got to put my face on first.

Your husband's just taken an overdose!

Oh, well, he does it all the time. He's an attention seeker! SHE LAUGHS

This is not a laughing matter.

Your husband's in hospital

having taken an overdose from a STOLEN prescription.

The Police are going to have to get involved.

I don't think you understand the severity of the situation.

And I think you should think twice

before leaving your briefcase open and wasting valuable NHS resources!

You come in here, you accuse me of all sorts!

I am in a very emotional state.

My husband is seriously ill in hospital.

So, if you don't mind, I would like to be left in peace!

Unbelievable.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Enter.

I just thought you might like to know

that Mr Bickley left the building with prescription hand!

Bully for you.

Look, Heston, I know what you might be thinking

but no-one was talking about you.

Well, that's very reassuring

-but I think I can guess exactly what they are talking about.

-Marina?

Is there nothing else you want to discuss or did you just want to gloat over my past mistakes?

No, I wasn't gloating, I was...

I was just seeing if you were OK. Look, I'll leave you to it.

Kevin.

I'm being a bit of a chump, aren't I?

Chump?

Listen, everyone round here loves you, mate.

No-one's talking about you.

-That's very kind of you to say that.

-It's true.

Look, I know what it's like when you can't face coming in.

-I've been there, it's not easy.

-No, it isn't...

but the thought of coming back was far worse.

In reality, everyone has been charming and discreet.

As long as you're all right.

Kevin.

Thank you for being honest.

Yeah, on that point,

I haven't really had the chance to talk to you

about the whole disciplinary thing.

Case closed, as far as I'm concerned.

Top man!

# I can't give any more

# I can't live if living is without you... #

SHE SOBS

# I can't give

# I can't l... #

Oh, hey! You're back early. How was the salon?

Oh, sublime. Is Joe all right?

Yeah, he's been absolutely fine.

We've been having a grand old time together.

He's just having his half-past-one nap.

I TOLD you to put him to sleep on his back!

Well, I did.

What did I tell you about putting babies to sleep on their front?!

Zara, I put him on his back. He rolled.

I didn't want to disturb him, which is why I am sitting watching him.

Oh, it's fine, I can take over from here now.

Zara, are you all right?

Of course I am. You can go now, we're fine on our own.

I'm not due to leave until four, so I can stay if you need a hand?

No, we're fine, thank you.

I'm sure it can't have been easy leaving him.

We're perfectly fine, thank you.

I'll let myself out, then.

(It's all right.)

All right. Much prefer...

They're going to know it was me!

Cathy, it was me that gave him the drink.

I stole the prescription, the tablets are in my name!

You were at aerobics, we can prove that.

I killed him. I killed my Mikey!

-I'm going to call the police.

-No!

I'm not going to see you go down for this. It was an accident!

We're in this together. I'm going to see you out of this.

I can't live without him.

I love him. I LOVE him! I LOVE HIM!

Pull yourself together!

Listen, you being in prison

isn't going to make the situation any better.

Come with me.

You were at aerobics, Mike was at home on his own.

He was depressed, he took an overdose. End of.

Nobody will question it.

If we stick to our side of the story. Can you do that?

Cathy, can you do that?!

Right, this is our story.

I'm a friend of the family.

I rang Mike, the phone went dead, I got worried.

Came round, found him lying here.

You have gone to your parents' in Malaga to grieve.

I'll take care of everything here until the dust settles.

Soon as the coast is clear, I'll call you back.

How'd you know they live in Malaga?

Yes, can I have a cab, please?

16 Coleworth Drive.

To go to Birmingham airport.

(Passport?)

As soon as possible.

Thank you.

Take it!

Right...

are we in accord?

-What?

-I said are we in accord?!

Mmm.

Say it then! Say, "We are in accord."

-We are in accord.

-Let's go!

I'll reserve you a ticket at the airport.

Be strong.

We can do this!

Yes, you can help me.

I'd like a one-way ticket to Malaga, please.

PHONE RINGS

'How's he doing?'

Oh, erm, is that the time? I must have fallen asleep.

It's so quiet here.

-You're not going to believe the kind of day I'm having.

-Can it wait?

I'm in the middle of a massage.

'Er, yeah, sure.'

I just wanted to check how Joe getting on with Aliona?

Exactly the same as the last time you called.

'I told you, they're having a grand old time together.'

'Oooh.'

Oh, yes, that's the spot! Ah.

So, is there anything else?

-No, not really.

-Good.

Because I'm hoping to fit in a leg wax before I come home.

Good, OK, all right, I'll speak to you later.

Bye.

Stop the car!

Stop now!

KNOCK ON DOOR Yep.

-Oh, hi, Heston!

-Yeah, Kevin, hi.

-Erm... Can I ask you a quick question?

-Yeah, go for it.

Erm, I don't want to make a song and dance about it

but how do you think people would feel

about a welcome-back staff drink for me tomorrow night?

Champagne on me.

Well, actually, at first I was thinking,

"No way they'll go for that," but now that you mention free booze...

-I'm sure that'll swing it!

-(Would you mind putting the word out?)

My pleasure.

I did steal 'em...

and I'm sorry

but I never meant him no harm,

I was just wanted to teach him a lesson, that's all!

But I never meant for him to die!

I love him!

And, before you say anything,

I just want you to know I've called the police and told them everything

and they're on their way round to the house.

Hang on, did you say "die"?

It was an accident!

Just a stupid, stupid accident...

Cathy, Mike's not dead. Why would you think that?

He was discharged from the hospital a couple of hours ago

I just spoke to them.

He's absolutely fine.

Not dead?

No.

What's going on?

My house is up for sale! Here, give me that!

-I'm bloody going to kill him!

-Hold on - whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hold on! Hold on!

Let's find out what's going on first.

What has he done to me, Daniel?

OK, just give me the sign.

This one's got a brick barbecue!

Australia is the home of the barbecue, Shirl. They respect it.

You're going to find it as a central garden feature

in most of the properties.

But didn't expect to find it in our price range.

Well, it is now!

THEY GIGGLE

I see.

Cathy!

Hello, love.

What's going on?

Erm...

Erm, I'm...

I'm just on the internet.

I thought you were in Spain.

I thought you were dead.

I'm better now.

You planned this?

-Well, she did mostly...

-Yes, we did.

There's no point denying it, Mick.

You actually planned all this?

Right.

It's beginning to make sense now!

Is it? Enlighten me. Someone.

You thought you'd scare me off

so you can run away together and sell my house. Is that it?

You've got to be joking.

Cathy, Mick and I are in love.

We are moving to Australia.

Oh, so it wasn't just the one-night stand, eh?

How long's this been going on?

-Mick and I have been...

-AHH!

I am talking to my husband.

How long?

Six months.

A year!

How could you?

Cath, we both know it's been going nowhere for a long time.

Yes, but I thought you were dead.

I didn't actually SAY he was dead.

Oh, so, that makes it all right, then, does it?!

-Well, you were happy enough to poison Mick!

-Yeah!

-Mick?!

Mick?! It's MIKE!

Oh, I wish I had killed you now.

Mr Dayman,

both the hospital staff and I were convinced you'd had an overdose.

So, I think we deserve an explanation.

Acting.

But the blood test from the hospital...

Oh, I had a bit of a drink,

in case they tested my blood, like, but the rest was acting.

My husband...ex-husband fancies himself as a bit of an actor.

-I do dabble, as they say, doctor.

-Shut up, you prat!

The only thing is, Dr Granger,

that nobody's ever had the guts to tell him how bad he is.

Have they, Shirley?

Well, that's uncalled for.

OK, this is beyond anything... The police are going to deal with this.

You're all as bad as each other!

Police?!

Did you think I was going to get away with not calling them?

Did you think I was going to try and get away with killing you?!

-Well, tell 'em it was a mistake. We'll sort it out.

-I'd rather not.

And you!

I thought you were my friend. I trusted you!

Oh, officers, I think there's someone here who'd like to make a confession.

Hello?

Hey, sorry I'm late.

I had the most insane day.

Jeremy Kyle has nothing on these people!

-Shh! You'll wake Joe.

-Where is he?

-I've just put him down.

-Oh, I was hoping to get a cuddle before he went to bed.

-He was dropping off. It's late.

OK. Well, I guess I'll just have to cuddle you instead!

-Wait, just waiting for my nails to dry!

-OK.

So, how was Joe when you got back?

Fine. Aliona's great with him.

And he's good with her?

Yeah.

Great. So, how was your massage?

Oh...

Oh, it was EXHAUSTING!

Must have been all the stress coming out.

-Yeah, must be.

-Actually, I'm ready to drop.

I think I'll just run myself a bath and go to bed.

-Sorry, didn't have time to cook or anything.

-It's fine.

I think there's...

some bread, or something, in the fridge.

Great.

Oh, very sleek and gorgeous! Is that for your date with egg man?

You OK? You look awful.

Is the incomparable Julia around?

You must be...

Martin Millar.

-What's wrong with her?

-How much alcohol has she had?

None. She doesn't drink.

Are we all going to The Icon Bar? Works do, sorry.

Your friend Martin is coming with!

WINDOW SMASHING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd