Bursting Balloons Doctors

Right, mister, don't forget you're making your own tea tonight.

Why? Where you going?

It's Heston's do, thing, I told you.

Not at the Icon?

Calm down. You don't even work there any more.

I told the boss I'd cover for him tonight.

Aw, that's fantastic! Mate's rates it is, then.

No way. I want you out and your cronies out by 11 at the latest.

11? We'll only just be getting started.

I mean it, Mum. None of your smoking parsley in the bogs.

I've got loads of coursework due in and some new barmaid

-I'm supposed to keep an eye on.

-You'll save us a table though, won't you? And break out the bar snacks.

Will you just get lost! I am trying to work.

What about The Help? It's perfect. I've got a copy by my bed. It's got everything,

-bit of feminism, race, political history...

-Have you read it?

Seen the film.

OK. Gossip magazine?

Is this really necessary? It's just Letherbridge Life.

Yes! This whole house is a disaster.

They're going to look at it, they're going to look at us

and think what saddo lives here?

What kind of deluded person has a fair-trade, embroidered

remote-control holder?

Sit down will you, sit down.

It's you that's making the place look a mess.

Ooh, you look very sleek and gorgeous. Is that for your date with egg man?

Will you stop going on about that Martin guy. I've told you.

He's rude and arrogant and I wouldn't cross the road for him.

Date? But you are coming to the Icon?

Doctor Carter needs to see a unified show of support.

-So you've cancelled him, then?

-I don't need to do I, he just assumed....

I think we should stop talking about Mrs Parson's

romantic entanglements and turn our attention to the stock-take.

What? You mean you didn't finish that while I was out for lunch?

Hello. Can I help you?

-Yeah, can I...

-Yeah, my sister needs to see the doctor.

-I'm sure she can talk for herself - what's your name?

-Sunpreet Sharda.

She's got a really bad tummy ache and she keeps wanting to be sick.

Like an infection or something... My parents want me to get her checked out.

Your parents?

We're both living away. This is her first year at uni.

Right.

Dr Granger is doing our drop-in clinic today,

so if you take a seat over there he won't be very long.

Why do you do that, talk for me?

That woman thinks you're really weird.

-I have to, don't I? Or you wouldn't bother to come.

-I don't even need to see a doctor.

No arguments, Mum said. Do you want me to come in with you?

No.

How is he?

'He just finished painting a picture'

of the Eiffel tower, and now

-'he's playing piano.'

-We haven't got a piano.

Don't ask silly questions, then.

'I just wondering'

how he was after yesterday.

-'What?'

-His first time left on his own with Aliona.

Be understandable if he was a bit unsettled,

-'anxious.'

-He's not.

-Good.

-'If he shows any signs of attachment disorder,'

believe me, you'll be the first to know.

Look, I can't help feeling a little bit paranoid if you don't keep me in the loop.

If you want to be "in the loop" - phone Aliona

and ask her to baby-sit later.

Right. Fine.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Daniel, you've got... Sorry.

Two secs. Zara?

How are you, darling? How's that picture of the Eiffel tower coming on?

Right. The cafetiere is loaded.

News to me we even had one.

Do you think it's bad if she sees a doctor drinking coffee? I think maybe I should have a green tea.

Come on, this is ridiculous!

Why are you even trying to impress this Cara woman?

Because she does a lot of proper famous people...

Who?

That bloke off Strictly. And besides, if she takes against me, that could...

She could alienate all my fans.

That's why "proper" famous celebs don't do interviews.

Look, this is all I've got at the moment and I'm sorry

but being a local celebrity is a bit more appealing to me right now

than being a failed GP.

You are not failed.

Do you know how insulting that is to the rest of the population?

-DOOR BELL RINGS

-OK, look, Mand.

I know you think this is sad and I know you think this is cheesy,

but, please, I need you on my side.

Do you have your period at the moment?

No.

Bowel movements OK?

Yes.

Do you want to hop on the couch for me?

It's not that bad, it's just my brother stressing.

OK, why don't you show me where it hurts.

There.

Bit tender?

-Suppose.

-Does it hurt when you urinate?

Are you going to the loo any more than usual?

Not sure.

You're at uni, is that right?

-Yeah.

-And how's the social life there?

Any chance you could be overdoing it?

How do you mean?

Just trying to work out if this is alcohol related.

It's not. I don't drink.

OK. Sorry. But you wouldn't believe how many students

we get in here claiming to have some life-threatening illness

when actually it's a hangover.

I can't be sure what's wrong,

so why don't we rule out a urinary infection first?

If you just want to take this to the loo and give me a sample,

we can go from there.

-Nice to meet you.

-Coffee?

Hell no, not after midday or I'm like a crazy woman.

Just water with a slice of lemon.

You might just have to make do with a squirt.

OK, so... where do you want me?

The sofa is fine. We'll do the photos after.

So. You have just met the infamous Mandy.

We're not on yet.

So, Freya. Are you one frank female?

Yes. Totally.

I don't think there's any point doing a blog unless your honest.

And because it's how life really is,

the everyday frustrations, that's why people connect to it.

-How many fans have you got now?

-3,217.

And are they ALL lesbians?

No, no. They're mainly women.

Just people from all over the world who like what I say.

I think of blogging as a kind of a soap opera.

So, something happens to me,

I write about it and my fans check in to find out how it went.

You're something of a seamstress too, I hear.

Tell me about this quilt.

My mum would actually kill herself laughing

if she could hear you saying that, but it's true, it is true.

The quilt forms a kind of frame for the blog.

I started it the same time as I started going out with Mand

and they're the two threads that keep everything together.

Well, it works.

I had a read last night and, seriously, I was still sitting there two hours later.

See, that is great that you get it...

But what all readers will want to know,

is how on earth you combine this with being a busy GP?

Um...Trainee GP, actually.

So when do you qualify?

It's...

I was...

Well, it's... it's really complicated.

OK. What area of medicine do you think you'll follow, then?

Something to do with women's issues?

Yeah!

But just because she's a woman, she doesn't want to become ghettoised.

She's just as popular with all her patients.

So, Mandy. I hear you're a nurse...

That's what we've been missing? A proper, old-school Heston night out.

Really, it was more of a general suggestion.

-Isn't it supposed to be Zara's big welcome back?

-There you go.

Some women lose their identities when they've had a baby. We can show her she's still part of the team.

This is Zara we're talking about. She's not going to be sitting at home mashing organic carrots.

Seven-week-old babies aren't on solids.

All right, Cherry, let's not go on about it, hey.

Mrs Westlake, if you'd like to come through?

What were you doing? You've been ages.

I couldn't do one.

What do you mean?

I can't help it if I don't need a wee.

Tell the doctor, then. Excuse me.

-She couldn't do you a thingy.

-Ravi!

Have you tried thinking of gushing waterfalls?

It's OK. Take the bottle home and bring it in. But I can't prescribe anything till you do.

-I'm ringing work for you

-No. I've only been working there a few days, I can't pull a sickie.

You can if you're genuinely ill

I need the cash. I've got a load of books I need to buy this term.

And Mum says I need to give you space to revise.

Right, girls, let's keep you both on the sofa.

Try and relax.

Mandy, lean towards Freya a tad.

Arm across the back.

That's gorgeous. And look at each other.

Great. What about with your laptop? Like you're doing your blog.

OK. Mandy leaning over your shoulder.

Keeping it natural, then?

You are good at this, lady.

Is this the famous Mill?

If you need an appointment, you'll have to be quick.

I don't.

The chassis might look a bit rusty but it hasn't let me down yet.

Is the incomparable Julia around?

Oh. You must be...

Martin Millar. You are?

Karen Hollins.

Look, if the car gets in the way my driver will move it.

Oh well, I'll...

Martin's here!

What?

He smells gorgeous, and he's come in a limo, look!

What a cheek! Does he think he can roll up here and I'm going to drop everything?

He's obviously smitten.

Well, he didn't get that idea from me, I can assure you.

What am I going to tell him?

Tell him he can take his leather seats and mini-bar

and find some other female.

Mr Millar.

Martin.

Julia has got a prior engagement this evening,

so she's not able to accept your invitation.

Oh. That's a pity.

I'd offer to step in, but my husband might have something to say!

I'll just stick around, if that's OK, and say hello.

Dr Daniel Granger, this is Martin Millar.

Hi.

Daniel's one of our doctors. His partner also works here and she's just had a little one.

Is she going to meet us there?

Er, excuse me.

PHONE RINGS

Yes?

Aliona can't make it. She's going to a club.

-Did you find somebody else?

-A stranger?

I don't know, Daniel. I left it in your hands.

'I should have told you earlier. I'm sorry.'

-I'll pass on your apologies to Heston, of course.

-'Excuse me.'

I have spent all afternoon trying on various pre-pregnancy outfits

and I am now dressed, heeled, glossed

and ready for some conversation that doesn't involve leaking breasts.

You want me to come home?

Hooray! Let's give Daddy a medal.

PHONE HANGS UP

Come on, makeover time.

Apologies, Heston I'm going to have to cry off, babysitting crisis.

But Zara will be there.

Part and parcel, welcome to the next 16 years.

Dr Heston Carter, this is Martin Millar.

-Hello.

-How do you do?

Friend of Julia's.

Ah. Is that your fine piece of engineering out there?

One of them.

Martin owns a garage.

-Really? Um, let me make you a cup of tea.

-Oh, thank you.

You don't know anything about Jags, do you?

I do, actually.

Whenever you're ready...

I just love picking up soggy nachos on my own.

You OK? You look awful.

No offence.

-I just threw up. I'm really sorry.

-If you're that ill, you'll have to go home.

I'll be better in a bit, if I just have a sit-down.

-I'm going to have to call someone else in.

-Just get me a painkiller... in my bag.

-UNDER HIS BREATH:

-Good night, was it?

Being a receptionist is not just about making appointments, far from it.

Today we have been collaborating to do stock-takes and risk assessments.

You know, I once knew a woman who slipped on an oil spill and broke all her eggs.

Hope you don't mind me asking,

but you know how you've got a chauffeur, is that out of choice or necessity?

Cherry!

What? It's a fair enough question, isn't it?

Most people I know who've got drivers is because they've been banned.

I haven't been banned. Just blind.

It's all right. I'm having you on.

Have you seen that stonking great beast of a motor parked outside?

-Kevin...the newest lamb in our flock.

-Hi, Kevin.

Right, all we all ready to rumble?

It appears Julia is missing.

I'll go.

-She's not there.

-She may have gone on ahead.

Hope she's getting a round in, I'm gasping.

Martin, if you're free tonight, you'll join us, won't you?

-Well, seeing as my dinner date's made other plans, thanks, I'd love to.

-Excellent.

-Their loss is our gain.

-Shotgun go in your car!

-It's only round the corner.

We'll go the long way round.

ALARM BLARES Is that you leaving the stock cupboard open?

It most certainly was not.

-What are you doing?

-Nothing. Nothing.

I was just doing... I was doing a security check... I could have been a patient left in the loos.

You should think about that before you lock up so quickly.

-I checked the loos!

-Whatever.

Anyway, why are we all standing around here? Are we going to the Icon Bar?

Works do, sorry.

By a happy accident, your friend Martin is coming with.

-But he's not...

-Where have you been hiding him? I had no idea.

What are you doing?

I'm just doing my job.

I thought it was just waitressing?

I don't like you behind the bar.

Chill out, Ravi, it's just one drink. Anyway why are you here checking up on me?

You left this behind at your girl's night.

One of your mates dropped it round.

-Oh, yeah.

-Bit divvy, wasn't it? Suppose Mum had been trying to call you?

I know... We went to get some chips and I didn't have my handbag.

And have you done your sample?

-No.

-Go and do it, then, and I'll take it in.

It's too late, they'll be closed.

Let's see how I am tomorrow, yeah?

It'll probably sort itself out.

-All right?

-Yeah. How you doing?

Ask me when the exams are over.

Tell me about it.

Go easy on this one. Make sure she finishes on time.

I demand to see the manager.

My mom. Sunpreet, champagne glasses.

That's you. Geddit?

-Champers all round. I trust you have it on ice, as requested.

-Yes.

-Let me get this.

-No, don't be ridiculous.

This is my gift to my colleagues who have shown such patience and loyalty.

Ah!

Why don't you just tell your brother you were out on the lash?

-What do you mean?

-Shot glasses in your bag?

That wasn't me. I went to a club but I didn't drink anything.

It's no big deal. Just don't come to work with a raging hangover.

Don't even joke about it.

-If Ravi was here and you said that!

-What?

You wouldn't understand.

The cheek of the man! Crashing a private party.

Heston invited him.

Yeah? Well, look at him, worming his way in, anybody would think he was a long-lost friend or something.

You could always chuck some champagne over him!

No, don't want to waste good bubbles, do I!?

Finally.

Traffic.

There you go.

Hello.

You might want a smell. I think he needs a nappy change.

See you.

Yes, you do.

Sorry, sorry, we're late, the shoot took ages.

How did it go?

I was pretty fabulous... she said I was like a pro.

-So when do we get to see it?

-Any minute. She's going to email the proofs.

Jack, another bottle of champagne for our media darlings.

Sunpreet.

Please, Mish, she's not picking up.

You've got to find her and make her take it down. Mish?

Oi! You're in the middle of a shift.

Jack, me and Julia are moving on to Kir Royals.

-The battery's dead. Can I borrow yours?

-No!

Please. It's really important.

You're supposed to be grafting. Get me the cassis from up there, would you?

Blackcurrant syrup.

What the hell is that?

Nothing.

-Let's see.

-No.

Trust you to start without me.

Last but not least. Are we on the bubbly tonight?

You bet.

I have expressed enough milk to feed a small country.

-You must be Daniel's other half?

-I think you'll find his better half.

-Hi, I'm Martin.

-Zara.

Look, whatever's going on, sort it out.

WINDOW SMASHES

-Oh, they're in, they're in.

-Come on - sneak preview!

Oh.

Oh... Mandy looks good.

Next one.

Definitely the right choice of outfit, babe.

Yeah, the house looks lovely.

Total respect, mate. Never seen anyone so un-photogenic.

Cheers.

SINGING ON VIDEO

SINGING CONTINUES

-Too many OJs, was it?

-Don't tell Ravi.

Bit late for that.

I'm getting the film taken down.

Stupid cow who put it on there.

Yeah. Never a great idea having a mate less mullered than you.

-Last thing you need is an action replay.

-Please, Jack.

-Ravi's on your course. If this gets back to him.

-What's he going to do?

Just be really disappointed. And my mum and dad.

All they want is for me to work hard.

-They all say that.

-I don't know why I do it.

Every time I wake up, I promise myself.

But I just need to get out the flat, have fun.

You and every other first year.

But I always go too far.

I don't know how I got home.

I don't remember this.

I look at myself and I know I'm disgusting.

-You're not disgusting.

-I am.

-If Ravi finds out, he'll be so ashamed.

-Look, you're just hung-over.

I swear by a massive fry-up.

But you'll have to make do with smoky bacon.

Go on your break now, go on.

No, this is totally unacceptable. You'll have to organise a re-shoot.

What do you mean it's impossible?

As the subject of your article, I should have the final say.

No, it's me doing you the favour.

And it's you behaving like an amateur. Right, back up!

Me and my blog, I could've taken that to the nationals, so you better think about...

Freya.

Sorry, she's...had a bit of a stressful day.

You've got your hands full with that lot.

I think that's a bit of a cheek, commenting on my colleagues?

After you took advantage of Heston's good nature.

Well, how else was I going to see you?

Well, you haven't seen much of me, have you?

I thought you might break my kneecaps if I got too close.

Probably too close now. Would you like me to go?

I think that would be a bit self-defeating, don't you?

Then, can I get you another drink?

Thank you.

Oi, Jack, what you done with my sister?

-Eh?

-She finishes her shift now, doesn't she?

Wait there.

I can't believe I called her an amateur.

I could curl up and die.

Oh, give over, I'm sure she's had worse than that before.

What's happened to me, Mand?

I write about sewing, I'm hardly Germaine Greer.

It's because it matters to you.

I'm just disappointed.

I know you are, babe.

I have my status...

I've been practising it all day.

"Check me out, suckers... get a glimpse into my perfect private life."

My mum was going to have a field day.

-I can call Cara - get her to pull the article.

-No.

No way. Look what's happened to me! I'm a monster!

This has happened at the right time before my ego gets too big to fit through the door.

What's one little article anyway? You've still got the blog.

No. I'm killing the blog as soon as I get home.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Sunpreet?

Sorry, ladies. Is there someone in there?

Sunpreet?

'What's wrong with her?'

-She looks wasted.

-How much alcohol has she had?

None. She doesn't drink.

Pulse is rapid.

Has this ever happened before? Is she on any medication?

-No... she saw the doctor this morning.

-Dr Granger.

He was going to give her some pills but she couldn't do a sample.

A urinary sample? He thought she had a UTI?

Wait, there's a massive bruise. >

What? How'd she get one there?

Possible abdominal trauma. Freya, call an ambulance.

Sunpreet...wake up!

It could be septicaemia.

< She's just hung-over. I'm sorry,

she was out on the lash last night, looked totally out of it.

-She smashed into a bollard.

-Were you with her?

No. There's a video of it on the internet.

-I don't think this is a hangover.

-She could have a ruptured bladder.

-What?

What's a ruptured bladder?

She got so drunk she forgot to have a wee,

so her bladder just got more and more full.

And when she hit the bollard it burst, basically.

Elaine, you are never going to guess who I'm looking at

cosying up to Julia, plying her with best champagne. Ring me back.

Gosh, I must go. I've got a car auction tomorrow.

Got to be sharp to beat the young ones.

I think they'd have to be quick to catch you out.

Can I see you again?

Do you mean just me or another staff outing?

I have got to visit my daughter over Easter,

but can I ring you when I guess back?

Yes.

I've told the paramedics it's a suspected ruptured bladder

induced by alcohol.

-Is she going to be OK?

-She'll need surgery. But hopefully we've caught it in time.

You, my dear, are pooping your own party.

Well, if my partner could make a proper diagnosis...

It's not Daniel's fault, he could never have known.

Where's the fun in that for me?

It is weird. The one day that there's something to write about

and I'm not going to blog.

Yeah. It's a real shame, you know.

All those girls going out, drinking like the lads,

thinking the worse that can happen is losing their spray-tans.

I could call it "Getting bladdered".

See. That's why you've got a gift.

-Do you think, though?

-Look, you can blog. Just not all the time.

Thank you.

You need anything?

You must think I'm really stupid.

I've got a sister, they're nightmares.

Don't know what my mum's going to say.

Do you have to tell her?

My sister...

she gives me grey hairs sometimes, but at least I know what she's up to.

Rather than her screwing things up on her own.

I'm sorry.

Shush, it's OK.

-I lied to you.

-Don't suppose I gave you any choice.

I just never wanted to see you like this.

I was only trying to protect you.

I know. But because I wasn't allowed....

I know. I know.

Shh!

Shh!

GIGGLING

Welcome to my humble abode.

SHRIEKS OF LAUGHTER

Candy from a baby.

I don't like this, mate.

Think I turned into a saint now I'm stuck in this?

I think Doctor Carter has been robbed.

You don't have to say anything though it may...

What sort of state is the house in?

Quite a mess.

Sorry he's genuine. He's one of my patients.

Right.

Oh, my goodness!

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