Carry On Cruising Doctors

TELEPHONE RINGS

Sorry!

RINGING TONE: Born This Way by Lady Gaga

Hi, gorgeous!

So... What time am I seeing you tonight then?

Ciaran, I don't think I can see you.

What's up?

'Have you got band practice?'

No, it's not that.

Cos I am tired of sharing you with a saxophone!

No, er... Look, this is really difficult, but...

Oh! I was talking to Big Steve.

He says would we like to come round to his place for a pizza?

Look, will you just shut up!

Right.

You know the way things have their own natural lifespan.

Like, er...cheese and milk.

Yes.

I think we've gone past our sell-by date.

Guess who?

Ciaran?

Are you OK there, Mrs Tembe?

Dr Granger.

I was just wondering who will be the next person to sit in this office?

A-ha. Well, we may not know for a couple of months.

We've got to write an advert, hold interviews.

I wish you well,

but I do not think you will find anyone half as good as Mrs Parsons.

Well, yes, she was a very good manager but we'll cope. You'll see.

If you say so.

Right. The first thing we need to do is get this nameplate off.

Do you know how we can prise that off?

No. Mrs Parsons would have.

Nice place.

No, it isn't.

I can't believe he dumped me over the phone.

And now, he's gone up to Scotland

to his granddad's funeral, so I can't even see him.

Did he give you a reason?

All he said is he was getting bored.

Am I really that boring?

Was he so bored for the past nine months

that he couldn't even be bothered to dump me?

You are not boring. You're wonderful.

Ciaran?

Yes?

There's this strange woman outside staring at us.

What?

It's my Aunty Bridie!

Who?

What the...? How did she...?

SHE LAUGHS

Ciaran!

Aunty Bridie!

Come in, come in, come in.

Thank you. Oh!

Hello, there!

Sorry for the intrusion.

I'm Bridie.

Imogen.

But I thought you were on holiday?

That's right. Six weeks round the world, luxury cruise.

But when I got to Southampton, and I saw the gangplank,

and the ship, and I heard the brass band playing We Are Sailing,

I thought to myself, "Who am I kidding?

"I can't do... I've barely left Ireland,

-"I can't do this at my time of life."

-I see.

So I thought, I'll come and see my nephew. Oooh!

-Your hair is lovely.

-So's yours.

Now, I've been sitting on that train for two hours.

What do you have to do to get a cup of tea around here?

Right. I'll be just a minute.

Well...

My nephew never told me he had a lady friend.

No, we're not together.

Oh, I know young people like to keep it casual nowadays.

But, whatever you call it, I'm glad he's got some company.

No, but really, we're, we're...

My husband died last year,

and Ciaran used to write to me every week,

you know, to cheer me up.

But recently, I haven't been getting any e-mails,

and I was beginning to wonder, is there something wrong?

But now, I realise - he was having far too much fun with you!

How is mission control?

Ah, yeah, all systems go, really.

I'm just gradually working my way through some of Julia's patronising post-it notes.

I was talking to this old friend of mine,

who's just been made redundant, so he's become an IT consultant.

And he says he's got this new payroll software which is very user-friendly.

That sounds good.

WHISTLE

-Come in.

-Is Zara in?

She's not. Anything we can help with?

It's just this patient review thing.

I'll have a look. I was your mentor.

Well, we're very busy, do you think you could come back tomorrow?

Right. Is Zara in tomorrow?

There we go.

Oh, is that a cappuccino?

No, I think there's something wrong with the milk.

Right. I must just wash my hands.

Is that too strong for you?

You know that she thinks we're a couple?

Does she?

So she doesn't know that you're...gay?

Well, Aunty Bridie is a bit old-fashioned,

and she just had major heart surgery last year,

so I don't want to do anything that might...shock her.

What if she goes in my room?

Oh, wow. I see what you mean.

I think this might be the campest room I've ever been in.

I'm sorry, David.

Lady Gaga, Katy...

Your CD collection is never having grandchildren.

-Hide everything here.

-Right.

Oh! We're going to need a bigger bed.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Hello? Anyone home?

-What are you two up to?

-We were just, er...

Straightening up the bedroom.

It's very nice.

It's almost... minimalist.

Oh, who is this?

That? That, that's...

That's no-one.

I notice there are no photographs of you and Imogen.

That's because we...

have been meaning to, haven't we?

I keep telling him, "Why can't we just have our photo taken?

"Am I really that ugly?"

That's men for you. Unromantic. My Brendan was just the same.

Right. Well, I really better be going.

Nonsense. I'm taking the pair of you out for a slap-up meal.

And then, I have a surprise for you.

Are you not coming?

I am really not in the mood.

Why don't you go without me.

A few karate kicks would do you good, go on.

Right now, there is not much that would lift my spirits.

KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

Oh, look, there's a man at the door with a large package.

Ooh, that's my spirits lifted.

Why don't you come and keep me company?

With Mrs Parsons gone, there is so much to do now.

And I do not want to abandon Dr Carter or Dr Granger.

They're both grown men.

It's not as if they're going to play with matches.

OK, right, not a googly this time, OK? Right.

All right. This is the new payroll software installed.

-Bravo!

-Shot!

-How's that?

-And this is the stationery order sorted. Ready?

-A-ha.

-Six!

-Shot!

Which begs the question - what did Julia do all day?

Answers on a postcard, please.

All right...

-Oh! That reminds me, would it be OK to have an advance on next month's wages?

-I don't see why not.

I'll give Monty a ring, to bring the payday forward a week.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Come in.

This just came for the practice manager.

-'It's Heston here...'

-Looks a bit ominous.

-'...possible to bring forward someone's payday...?'

-How's it going?

-Yeah, fine.

-Small changes. Nothing too drastic.

-You're not serious.

Well, yes, I suggest you phone me back when it is sorted, thank you.

What's up?

It's probably nothing, but the chap who did the software said

that, technically, it may not be ready until the next calendar month.

-What does that mean?

-You won't be paid till June.

All of us?!

No, the partners are on standing orders.

Is that supposed to make me feel better!?

Heston, is there any way we can get back on the old system?

I'm not very good with computer software.

How are you with industrial action?

I'll have a maxi-mozzarella panini with a sun-blushed tomato pesto...

What exactly is that?

You'll like it!

Don't look now!

What?!

Ciaran!

Jack! Hi! How are you?

I'm not bad, I've just done my European law exam, and came in to...

Immie?!

Hiya.

Good afternoon. Bridie.

Oh, um, this is my brother Jack.

Your brother?

So you're the guardian angel that brought these two young people together?

Yes.

Hang on, why are you having lunch with my sister?

Because she's my girlfriend!

Oh, nice bit of designer stubble you've got there.

-What?

-Or are you growing a beard?

BRIDIE LAUGHS

Don't let us keep you.

Will you not stay for lunch?

Oh, I wouldn't want to disturb these two lovebirds.

It's bad enough when they come round our house.

-You can't hear the telly over the sound of them snogging.

-Oh, too much information!

So, no. I'll leave you two to get it on.

Easy, tigers.

He seems very nice.

Now, wine?

Now, to disarm an attacker, which part of the body should we aim for?

Oh! Now, I would go for the back of the neck with a karate chop.

OK, but you may need to borrow a stepladder. Anyone else?

The shins?

Excellent.

I'm glad someone has their head screwed on. The shins.

Simple but effective.

Right, well. That was lovely, thank you much,

but I really better be going.

Oh, not just yet.

I have a confession to make.

I haven't been 100% honest with you.

This, er... This trip of a lifetime...

The reason I couldn't go had nothing to do with being scared of travel.

But I booked it in 2009,

when my Brendan was still with me.

We would have sailed away together.

But now he's gone to that luxury cruise amongst the stars.

I see.

I thought I could do it in memory of him,

but when I got there, I realised...that ship had sailed.

Will they give you a refund?

No, they won't. The chiselling little crooks.

But I can transfer the tickets to someone else,

and change the dates if necessary.

Now, seeing the two of you today - so young, and so in love,

I thought, You should go on this cruise.

It'll be the perfect celebration for the end of your exams.

All I ask is that you send me a postcard from every destination.

Barcelona, Egypt,

Mumbai, Singapore.

One, two, three and strike!

-Ah!

-Oh!

-Oh!

I am so sorry.

Did you say left?

Not only are you not yet ready for a knee strike,

I wouldn't want to see you do the Hokey Cokey.

I am doing my best, but you are talking very quickly.

All right.

Everyone find a safe place to stand,

not too close to Mrs Tembe.

Let see if we can get it right this time.

And one, two, three...

For six weeks, you'll live like a queen.

Silver service at the captain's table.

Champagne delivered by handsome sailors.

It's a really kind offer, and it sounds amazing...

So that's a yes! We'd love to.

-You what!?

-You were just saying how I never do anything romantic.

What could be lovelier than you and me sailing the seven seas?

Oh, you make my heart sing, the two of you!

Oh! I just... I have to powder my nose.

What were you thinking?!

I don't know. The words just came out of my mouth.

That is the lamest excuse ever!

Look, she really wants us to do this.

So why don't we just go on the cruise,

and then we tell her we split up. People do, you know.

What?

But however much technique you've learned,

your opponent will always have the element of surprise.

So I am now going to mount a surprise attack on each of you,

and it's up to you to try and beat me off. Understood?

ALL: Yes.

HE SCREAMS

Oh! Oh, sorry.

-Er... So you come from the right. A left knee strike?

-Don't ask me, I'm your attacker!

Sorry, I wasn't ready.

Well, let's hope if you do get mugged,

he remembers to book an appointment.

-Sorry.

-Mrs Tembe?

I have decided that this class is not for me.

Fair enough. I guess it is a bit full on.

But, if you're interested, we also do keep-fit classes for the over 50s.

BAG DROPS

-Kenny.

-Oh.

I'm sorry, I though you were on the way to your granddad's funeral?

Hiya, Grandpa! You seem to have made an amazing recovery.

-I invented that to stop you making a scene.

-You invented your granddad's funeral?!

He does have acute angina.

Well, that makes everything all right? And you are?

This is Simon. Look, I've been trying to tell you for a while now.

-When?

-All the time!

But the trouble is you're always so happy.

Well, thanks for that. Now, I won't be.

Look, I know how you must feel, but...

No! You have no idea how I feel!

Imagine being kicked repeatedly in the teeth

by the first person you ever gave your heart to.

Ciaran?

Anyway, that was my exam on Monday.

My Wednesday exam is imagine being torn apart by a pack of wolves.

Nice bumping into you. Call me.

-Isn't it marvellous? You have so many friends.

-Yes.

I really better be going.

Ah, no, wait. There's something I have to do. Jack! Jack!

-Hello?

-Would you do me a huge favour?

Would you ever take a photograph of the three of us?

Oh, yeah! Let's see if I can capture that red hot passion.

MUSIC: Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas

HE SCREAMS

Oh! Ah!

THEY ALL CLAP

Thank you so much.

Oh, you're welcome.

I hope I get to take the photos at their wedding,

if he ever does take her up the aisle.

Right. I really, really have to go.

Aw! Not just yet. But I was going to show the photos of my golden retriever, Colonel Mustard Seed...

I'm sure he's lovely...

..who died of cancer six months ago.

Look, don't worry. It won't be long now.

That's what they said when they amputated his tail.

Thanks again. I'll see you next week.

Are you sure you're all right?

Yeah, fine.

That was some really good work.

Oh, thank you. You know, it is just the luck of the beginner.

THEY CHUCKLE

TELEPHONE RINGS

Aren't you going to get that?

Probably not for me.

Any chance of a cup of tea?

-'No-one home, please leave a message.'

-I'll get it.

Let's go and set up your laptop, shall we?

'Ciaran, I've been trying your mobile, are you there?

'Look, I'm really sorry I had to...'

Is there something wrong?

It's just my housemate. He's a bit obsessive.

Why don't you go and take a seat?

Right.

You have got to tell her the truth.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

What!

How's it going?

Not good.

I'm wondering if the best way out of this is to fake my own death.

Heston, what's all this about us not being paid?

No, there is still a possibility that you may be paid on time.

Oh, whoop-dee-doo.

There still a possibility I may come into work tomorrow.

There's no latex gloves in the nurses' room.

Yes, I've changed suppliers. Got a much better deal.

-So when are we getting a new batch?

-Don't worry about that. We're not getting paid.

-We're not being paid?!

-There is a chance that you may be paid.

Oh, fantastic! You keep saying that! Are we having a raffle or what?

-Just to check...

-What do you want?

Zara is definitely coming in tomorrow, right?

HE SIGHS

-Aunty Bridie.

-Mm-mm, yes.

-There's something I wanted to talk about.

Right.

And there's something I wanted to ask you.

What is it?

-No, you go first.

-No, no, no, after you.

Well, it's all a bit difficult, but it's Imogen.

I mean, she's a lovely girl, but...

Are you sure...?

Is she a lesbian?

What?!

Well, I've been looking through these photos.

Now, it's very clear that you worship the ground she walks on,

you can see it in your eyes.

But she...

Sometimes, she seems to...you know, flinch away from you,

as if she can't bear to be touched

by a big masculine person like yourself.

Aunty Bridie,

Immie is not a lesbian.

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

Thank goodness for that.

Oh! I know it's not very politically correct,

but I think they should all be locked up.

Not out of cruelty, but just, you know,

to stop them spreading their silly ideas around.

What was it you wanted to say to me?

Nothing. It was nothing.

Now, where did they put my glasses?

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Quiet! Right. Having been practice manager for a day,

I now realise what a true force of nature Julia was.

Heston...

Yes, we saw the glamorous side of her swanning off for meals with her friends.

But I now know how hard she had to work to keep things running smoothly.

So WHEN are we going to get a new manager?

We have to advertise, have interviews.

But Rome wasn't built in a day.

-It'll take for ever!

-It took years

to get the practice the way it is now.

Yeah, it's only taken you a couple of hours to ruin it.

Teething problems, teething problems.

I will sort out the payroll issue.

I will personally buy the latex gloves.

But I would really appreciate it if I didn't have these constant interruptions.

-Fine.

-OK.

Whatever.

It could take weeks to find someone. What are we going to do?

I don't know. Commit hara-kiri?

Are you all right?

It's been a long day, I just need to sit down.

No! Don't!

Ciaran?

What exactly have I sat on?

Oh, it's him again!

Who is this fellow?

Well, it's, er...

His name is Kenny.

And last year, we were in a play together.

I played Oscar Wilde, and he was my Bosie.

Only soon, it became clear that we weren't acting.

-You mean you're...

-That's right.

I'm one of those people that you think should be locked up.

Well, aren't you going to say something?

What is there to say?

I'm just glad your Uncle Brendan isn't around.

He thought the world of you.

It would break his heart if he saw what you'd turned into.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Yes!

Ah, Mrs Tembe. My world is collapsing around me,

but I still have the pleasure of your red bush.

I am sure things are not so bad as they seem.

Until we get a practice manager.

How was your self-defence?

Ugh! I have decided I do not need these lessons.

I know how to look after myself.

I wouldn't argue with that.

So, this practice manager...

What kind of person are you looking for?

Conscientious, well-organised,

good people skills and, with the pressures of this job,

the courage of a lion.

And can it be someone who already works here?

Are you thinking of throwing your hat in the ring?

Well, I was not going to, but you seem to have planted a seed in me.

Look, Ciaran is still the same person than he was ten minutes ago.

The only difference is that now he's being honest with you.

Well...

Maybe I don't want to know.

He was such a sweet, innocent little boy.

And now, look at him.

You know, I don't care what you think!

Because all day I've been trying to...

to keep my feelings hidden,

and I just can't!

He left me!

We were together for nine months, and then this morning, he dumped me.

That's why Immie was hugging me.

Because if she didn't, I felt as if I might break.

Did he give you a reason?

He said there was someone else. That guy he was with.

Right.

Why would he leave you for him?

I don't know.

You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?

Like what?

Well, I'm not going to give you any ideas.

-Don't worry, I won't.

-Good.

I don't approve of...

Well, you know.

But...how dare that little so-and-so dump my nephew?

You know you can still go on this holiday if you want.

And bring your friend.

It might take your mind off that little toerag.

-Why don't you go together?

-What?

SHE CHUCKLES

You wouldn't want to go on holiday with your auld aunt.

I can think of worse people.

Come on, six weeks of sun, sea and...sailors.

Well, I suppose we could go cruising together.

You might even get to know each other a bit better?

We might.

Am I ever going to get that cup of tea?

Ring-ring! Ring-ring!

HOOVER IN THE BACKGROUND

Ring-ring! Ring-ring!

Ring-ring! Ring-ring!

Yes, this is Mrs Tembe, practice manager...

Nurse Clay... No, no, it is not convenient for you to have yet another holiday.

Furthermore, we have received complaints about your constant canoodling with Dr Clay.

So please, come and see me in my office, first thing in the morning.

Good day to you.

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, er...

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Maybe you could start cleaning the floor first.

Some of my colleagues are very untidy.

And I will see you in the morning.

Mum.

'Why didn't you tell me'

you were coming home?

Don't tell her.

No-one can scratch their backsides here without my approval.

I need you to tell me the truth, Evie.

I've lost something very important.

You can't beat sex from a natural high.

-The three of us could have a session.

-Sorry?

Everyone expects me to have some kind of telepathic link to Julia

and, if I am honest, I'm finding it just a bit overwhelming.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd