Those Were the Days Doctors

ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYS IN THE HOUSE

Hi, Nige.

Thought you were slumming it in Manchester today.

Look, Randy...

I'm starving, me.

What do you say to a crispy duck?

Brain Hammer?

How am I supposed to get this show on the road

when you keep firing people?

-Keep your hair on. There's plenty of set designers out there.

-The first gig's in three weeks!

Yeah. And it's called Armageddon Tour 2012.

End Of The World.

Come here.

What's glitter balls got to do with the apocalypse?

I'm the Antichrist, Nigel. Not Donna Summer.

Randy, I don't think we're ready. I think...

No. Just get up there

and find me someone that can destroy the planet properly.

NIGEL SIGHS

Glitter balls!

Fireballs would be better.

Actually, that's not bad. Hey, Nige! Fireballs!

EXPLOSION

All right?

Where's the fire?

It's not a fire. It's an explosion.

-MAN:

-I could've had me hands blown off. My right-hand man could've had his hands blown off.

I've got post-traumatic stress, me.

Safe as houses, boss.

I don't want to make a statement.

I want to get hammered, trolleyed, blitzed.

Do you know who I am?!

Eh? That's it. I can't tell you any more.

Just... Can you just go away now, please? Just go away.

SOCO are about ready to bag up that device, if you want to go and have a look, sir.

Randy Fire.

Lead singer with, er...

Raging Carnage.

Bedlam Scream.

Bedlam Scream - that's the one.

Yeah, that's the one.

Beelzebub Tour, '83.

We've won a shedload of awards for that show.

My gobsmacking entrance was the front page across five continents.

Right.

I slid in down the tongue of a 30-foot demon.

Rock and roll history, that, my friend.

My idea, too.

Genius, sir.

Didn't think it through, though, did I?

By the Icelandic leg,

I had blisters the size of saucers.

-Still got the scars, they stay...

-It's all right, sir, I believe you.

Worth it, though.

10,000 fans screaming out my name, night after night.

No, thanks, I do my job better with a clear head.

Please yourself.

Any idea who could be responsible?

I wouldn't put it past Slasher to try something like this.

Slasher?

Ex-drummer.

Got a new band together now for Armageddon.

He's suing me at the moment.

Him and Zombie reckon that they're the original Bedlam Scream.

You want to check them two out.

Zombie's got a few GBHs under his belt.

Mind you, so has my ex-missus.

Really?

Not the dancer, the one after that.

The pro wrestler.

She's not the bombing sort, though.

She's more hands-on, if you know what I mean.

-Nearly took my head off once with a Mongolian chop.

-Right.

I've always found own-brand produce to be a false economy.

Well, luckily you don't have to eat it.

-Oh, I assumed they were for the party.

-Party?

The Botox party. I can't think what happened to my invitation.

Hugh must have recycled it with the junk mail.

Anything without a stamp goes straight in the green bin.

Fortunately Barbara mentioned it at the pre-Wimbledon dinner dance.

I didn't think you'd be interested in a Botox party.

Barely a wrinkle.

-Oh! Let me help you.

-No, no, no, I'll be fine!

See you at seven, then. I'll bring a bottle.

So does your explosion have something to do with a certain '80s rocker?

Oh, come on, it's all over the station. He's all right, isn't he?

He's mad as a box of frogs and as pickled as a gherkin,

-but otherwise he's in good health.

-So he didn't open it.

Oh, no, he's got other people to do that kind of thing for him.

His manager is being treated for superficial burns.

-Lucky escape, then.

-Yeah.

Somebody gutted a firework, shoved it inside a pipe with a load of nails.

I thought it looked like quite an impressive device,

but the explosive guy said that it was never going to do the business.

Any idea who's responsible?

At the moment we've got more leads than a chain of pet shops.

Are you all set for tonight?

Er, yes.

So what's the plan?

I HAVE done this before, you know.

The plan is to explain the pros and cons, and take a few bookings.

-What?

-It's a party. It's meant to be fun.

You know, a few gags, games, get the punters relaxed.

Karen, I've never had a problem getting women to relax in my company.

So go on, then, give us your patter.

You want me to do it now?

Well, I'm not having you winging it on the night.

Cynthia bloomin' Snobbyknickers has invited herself,

so I need top-notch entertainment. So, yeah, go on.

Welcome, ladies.

First let me explain a little bit about Botox.

It's a neurotoxin,

and it's produced by the bacterium Clostridium botulinum,

and it works by paralysing the muscles in your face.

Should you wish to take a leaflet, everything's explained in-depth there.

You meanie!

I'm a doctor. If you want gimmicks, hire a performing monkey.

Sorry, it's not usually this chaotic.

Randy fired the help.

Yeah, I heard.

Are you his business manager?

Business manager, gofer, childminder.

He's just a big kid, really.

A big kid with a lot of pocket money.

Do you normally handle his mail?

Mostly. He's not the most practical of people.

I usually pick it up in the mailbox on the way in.

Is that what you did today?

I took it into the office, and then when I opened the tube, it, er...

it went off in my hands.

Smoke, flames, singed fingers.

Mm. Did you notice anything unusual about the packaging?

No. I assumed it was a bottle of vodka, like the others.

Someone's been sending Randy bottles of Flamestarter.

It's a specialist vodka liqueur.

He mentioned it in a radio interview recently,

and since then he's received several bottles. Anonymously.

And that packaging was the same as the bomb?

-Any postage marks?

-No, they were all hand delivered.

I don't suppose you've got any lying around, have you?

Not full ones!

Nige.

It's just been on the news.

That scumbag is threatening to blow up the concerts!

He wants me to cancel Armageddon.

I suppose you knew all about this, didn't you?

You better get your skates on...

Look at that. How am I going to play my licks with that?

You might want to rethink the tour, sir. Especially the early dates.

-No way.

-No, he's right, Randy,

-it's not just YOUR welfare we've got to consider.

-The show must go on.

I don't care if you get the SAS in and strip-search the audience.

Randy...

Haven't you got a bomber to catch?

I saw a woman earlier. Blonde, late-forties.

Skirt suit. Does that remind you of anyone?

I'm more of a late-twenties, tight jeans kind of bloke.

That sounds like the God Squad.

KNOCK ON DOOR Yeah?

How's it going?

I was thinking...

why don't you bring Joe?

HE SNORTS Don't be ridiculous!

It's not ridiculous.

Attractive bloke, cute baby, we'll make a packet!

Karen, I'm not using my son as a gimmick.

As if I'd get it past Zara, anyway.

We wouldn't have to tell her.

No!

-Party games from my Tupperware days.

-Oh.

Jelly Bean Hunt.

Bunny Parts.

I shifted a plastic mountain with that lot.

-Oh! Replace My Husband?

-That was hilarious, that one.

What if they're single?

You're not really getting into the spirit of this, are you?

I thought we'd established that this isn't my kind of thing.

This isn't about you. This is about getting a bunch of minted matrons

to part with their cash.

All right. But, see, you'd better deliver a killer pitch

because THIS is as dull as ditchwater.

And if you insist on, you know, droning on about facial muscles,

at least get the audience involved. You know, demonstrate on a model.

Karen.

You stick to party games, leave me to take care of business. All right?

He'd be ever so cute.

Absolutely, categorically, no.

SHE SIGHS

I thought Mr Fire's liaison officer

could do with a break from the high life(!) What are you doing?

Well, we think that the bomber might have bought

a bottle of Flamestarter recently.

This is the only shop that sells it round here.

-Oh, mind my death threats.

-Oh, sorry.

-What, these are death threats?

-Yeah.

You think one of this lot's responsible?

Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know.

Randy has upset a lot of people.

Libel suits, wrongful dismissal claims, assault cases.

And the cherry on top - shoplifting.

-Huh. See ya.

-Cheers.

Go on...

Yes!

You beauty.

PHONE RINGS

Kevin Tyler.

No, I'll check.

No, it hasn't. Oh, hold on.

Yeah, yeah, I've got it. OK, let me just, erm...

Hugh Devlin didn't qualify?

So he IS suitable?

Well, perhaps if you could expand the trial, then...

No. Yeah, I understand.

OK, thanks.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Yeah, won't be a minute.

Your new patient's qualified for the drugs trial.

-I thought you'd like to know.

-That is brilliant.

She'll be really thrilled.

How many others got on?

-Nine.

-What about your patient?

-He didn't get on?

-There wasn't enough room.

Sorry to hear that.

It's a shame, really. His wife's pregnant.

Don't know how I'm going to tell him.

Well, it's not like you made him any promises.

-The guy deserves a break.

-They all do.

He tries to stay positive, but it's going to be tough dealing with a new baby.

Erm...

-Why don't WE go for a pint?

-Yeah.

Playing gooseberry - that'll cheer me up(!)

We've already got a gooseberry, Mandy's mate's coming.

Mm-hm. You'll have to be, um, a banana.

Or a little grapefruit.

That's just what I need - lesbian fruit salad.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'm only thinking of you.

I am not cancelling this tour.

NIGEL SIGHS

Oh, great(!)

Sorry to bother you, but there's been a development.

Do you recognise this lady?

Lisa Myers.

-It's been a while, but yeah.

-You're sure?

Well, I'd have to get them togs off to be certain!

She's got this mole, you see.

Has she? Did you two have a relationship?

Two years. Lisa Myers!

She was one crazy chick, eh?

Crazy enough to send you a bomb?

No. We were soul mates.

Till some Herberts from the drugs squad raided her flat.

Did us both for possession.

Bad times.

What was the break up like? Acrimonious?

She dumped me a few months after the drugs bust.

But she's cool, Lisa.

I could do with finding her, talking to her.

I haven't heard from her in 20 years.

She got married. Mr Respectable.

Hang on.

You don't think she's involved?

Not after all this time.

-Well...

-I can't believe she invited me, to be honest.

I never went, of course.

My therapist wouldn't allow it.

Can I take this, please?

No kicking in doors, mind.

She's a respectable lady now.

Thanks.

What a waste.

-Kev, what do you want, love?

-The usual, please.

Kevin, Michaela.

Hi. Mandy tells me you're old friends.

Well, we go back a long way, if that's what you mean.

-We trained together.

-Oh, so you're a nurse?

Just started at St Phil's. A&E.

Wow, that makes general practice look like a doddle.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Hey! We have our moments.

-I'm just here cos they feel sorry for me.

-Here you go, loser.

Cheers.

Help yourself to the hors d'oeuvres.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, excuse me.

SHE GIGGLES

Oh, Cynthia, so glad you could make it. You know Barbara.

-Yes.

-Let me get you a glass of wine.

Just the glass.

I like my Sauvignon a little more mature.

Yes, the vodka was from me.

But I don't know anything about the bomb.

I would never hurt him.

So sending spirits to an alcoholic's not harmful?

You do know he'd been dry for two years before your gifts

-started to arrive.

-I didn't, no.

Why Flamestarter?

It's not the sort of drink you can get down the local off-licence.

We used to drink it together.

Back in the day.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Booze, drugs. To be honest, he'd try anything.

But Flamestarter...

That was our tipple.

I thought it would remind him of us.

I suppose I hoped he'd come and find me.

-Does your husband know about this?

-God, no.

He's barely here, anyway.

Spends most of his time in the London flat.

Entertaining his latest floozy, no doubt.

What were you doing at Randy's this afternoon?

I was frantic when I heard about the explosion.

I wanted to see if he was OK.

I suppose it...

..crystallised my feelings.

Who knows?

Maybe I'll, er...go backstage

and pledge undying love after one of his gigs.

Wow.

At 60 quid a throw, there must be two grand's worth here.

I got the best seats for every show.

They're not selling too well, apparently.

Do you know Nigel Cushing - Randy's business manager?

Yes, I remember Nigel.

Only...

Well, he wasn't his business manager back in those days.

-It's hot, isn't it?

-It is.

One does have to adapt one's wardrobe as one ages.

Sleeveless after 40 is an absolute no-no.

Running on fumes over here!

THEY LAUGH

Of course, bingo wings can strike at any age.

Oh, that's not my Chateau de Combebelle.

Oh, well, I think somebody's been helping themselves.

Thought you might like to try my personal favourite.

Oh...non-vintage plonk it is, then.

Well, it isn't any old wine.

I think you will detect a strong Russian influence.

Russian, you say?

So what made you get into nursing?

I know many choose it for the fantastically generous salary,

-but for me, it was the glamour.

-HE SNIGGERS

You can't beat a Saturday night in A&E(!)

It's not all punch-ups and body fluids.

Most of my patients are sober and grateful.

I like people, I enjoy helping.

I just don't want to get too involved.

-Mm, fix 'em and ship 'em out, eh?

-Sort of. How about you?

Yeah, I really love helping people.

No, I suppose for me it's the challenge

of finding out what's wrong with them and fixing it, you know.

Give me a set of mysterious symptoms and I'm a very happy man.

What if you CAN'T fix it?

Yeah, that's the downside,

but we all have to deal with that, don't we?

But when you get to know someone, somehow it's worse.

Are we speaking in the particular here?

There's this guy - patient - really nice.

My age.

He's in pain all the time, and there's nothing I can do to help him.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh!

-Hello. SHE GIGGLES

Not a word to Zara, OK?

I thought you said it was going to be a small party.

Don't wimp out on me now, they're well up for it!

So go give it to them. Hello.

Especially her.

-Dr Granger, I presume.

-Yes.

-Cynthia Greening.

Ah. Hello.

You must have a glass of wine.

-It's Russian.

-Oh.

Right, time for a game. Get into pairs.

Pens and paper here.

-IN RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-Will you play with me, Doctor?

I need to ask you a few questions.

I know that you used to handle the band's pyrotechnics

and special effects.

-I'll get my coat.

-Hey, hey.

Wait a minute. We're working on my set here.

-Some other time, all right?

-This can't wait, I'm afraid.

Well, it's going to have to wait. He's got a tour to organise.

There's not going to be a tour. Is there?

You are not cancelling Armageddon just because of some nutter.

This has got nothing to do with me.

Randy, you haven't sold enough tickets to fill ONE venue, never mind 16.

That is a load of manure, that is.

Tell him.

I'm sorry, Randy.

Let's go.

Hey. Nobody leaves here till I know what's going on.

OK. The bomb, the threats...

Nigel is a suspect.

This is the best friend I've ever had.

The most loyal, faithful business manager.

He would never, ever, ever, EVER do anything to hurt me.

I'll see you later.

Nigel, talk to me!

It was me.

You?

You tried to...

blow me up?

Argh!

Argh! I'll kill you.

Right, well, now is the time, I think,

for the delectable Dr Daniel to do his thing.

Thank you, Karen. Welcome, ladies.

I'm delighted to see so many of you here for my presentation

on cosmetic enhancement, specifically, Botox.

Here, is anyone else hot in here?

WOMEN WHISTLE

So for this bit, I'd like a volunteer, please. Cynthia.

Thank you, come and sit down.

There we go.

So Botox improves the appearance of facial wrinkles

by temporarily relaxing the underlying muscles.

This is achieved by making a series of small injections

along the line of the wrinkle.

Before performing this procedure, I use a non-permanent marker

to identify the injection sites.

So, Cynthia, if you're happy, I'd like to demonstrate.

Marvellous. OK, so first I'm going to draw the line of the wrinkle.

I wouldn't normally do this, but

it'll be much easier for you to see later.

Can't really see that from here.

This is what we call the frown area.

Maybe you could add that, er, in a different colour.

Yes, thank you, Karen.

Lovely.

Thank you. And now for the crows' feet sites.

'Randy...'

-Get him away from me.

-Are you OK?

My best friend just tried to blow me up. No, I am not OK!

I didn't!

Nigel Cushing, I am arresting you on suspicion of committing offences

under the Firearms And Explosives Act.

-Hold on, we need to talk about this.

-You do not have to say anything

but it may harm your defence if you do not mention...

Why did you do it?

The tour was turning into a disaster.

So you thought you'd kill me?!

-Of course not!

-Anything you do say may be given in evidence.

You sent me a bomb.

You were never going to handle it.

I set it off in the office on purpose.

I wanted to scare you. I thought if there was a threat to your life,

you'd cancel or the police would intervene.

-Yeah. Are you happy now?

-You only hear what you want to hear.

I...I just wanted to protect you.

By blowing yourself up?

Oh, give me strength. Just tell him why you did it.

It's over, Randy.

Bedlam Scream is over.

They just don't want you any more. I-I'm sorry, Randy.

So you set off a bomb

so I wouldn't feel bad about my poxy fans ditching me?

-Halleluiah(!)

-Are you mental?!

That's the nicest thing...

HE SOBS

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

You know, most men would've given me their number ages ago.

-After whipping out their smartphone and flashing their apps.

-I never flash my apps.

THEY LAUGH

You know that there is an app for really bad chat-up lines?

-Really?

-Yeah. He uses it.

So do you Stitch 'n Bitch?

Erm, that'll be a no.

-Mandy's been trying to get me to go for ages.

-Really?

Yeah, I think she's after my crochet hooks.

I haven't had this much fun in ages.

-We'll have to do this again.

-Yeah, count me in.

Well, it wouldn't be much fun on my own, would it?

What was that?

That was one of life's little mysteries, sweetheart.

There's an attractive, apparently sane woman

who wants to go out with you.

She's not one of YOUR lot?

OK, you're an inch away from offending me right now.

I didn't even chat her up!

Randy!

Lisa!

-Is this a bad time?

-Yes.

I mean, no. I mean...

Well, my best mate's just been arrested.

Not this bomb business?

More of a special effect, really.

So it WAS Nigel?

Yeah, but he did it for me.

The man's a legend.

I'm going to get him a top brief. But the tour's a washout now.

-I did wonder.

-Yeah.

I wanted to apologise for sending you vodka,

what with you being an alcoholic.

I didn't think.

Oh, that's all right. I'll get back on the wagon tomorrow.

I've got to get it together now with the court appearance and all that.

I can't be off my face, can I?

Um...

The...

other thing I introduced you to.

Gourmet chocolate sauce?

You're not diabetic?

Not yet, baby.

THEY LAUGH

Let's see if we can find that mole, shall we?

So, if there are no more questions, that concludes my presentation.

A big hand for Cynthia, please.

APPLAUSE

Erm...

If you'd like to book a session,

please pick up the clipboard,

put your name and number in one of the slots. Thank you.

-I think that went rather well.

-You have no idea.

I don't think she's going to be leaving the home for a few days.

(Permanent.)

Oh...

Do you think I should warn her?

No! He's harmless enough.

-Coffee?

-Coffee.

-No, I'm going to get another pint.

-I don't think you're invited.

-This has been great.

-Oh.

-Oh, bye.

See you later.

Mission accomplished.

He's finally cheered up.

She doesn't know what she's letting herself in for. Poor cow.

BANGING ON DOOR

If you want to get him something he wants, why not ask him?

Then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? I like surprises.

YOU do, it's not your birthday!

You've been talking to people about the trial.

Well, only to Shell.

I asked you not to tell anyone.

Get lost. Go on, get lost!

Yeah, for now.

But I'll be back, Mrs Heaton.

SHE SIGHS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd