Catflap Doctors


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# I get along without you very well

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# Of course I do. #

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Edward? Edward?!

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# Except when soft rains fall... #

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Oh, Edward, is that you?!

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# The thrill of being sheltered in your arms

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# Of course I do

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# But I get along without you very well... #

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BABY COOS

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# I've forgotten you, just like I should

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# Of course I have

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# Except to hear your name

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# Or someone's laugh that is the same... #

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TV: 'According to reports, two members of staff

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'are still unaccounted for.

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'The blaze, which is thought to have broken out

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'in a first floor linen store, continues to rage

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'with several fire crews in attendance.

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'Surrounding buildings have been evacuated,

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'and the main approach road is also closed.

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'Police are setting up diversions away from the area,

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'while attempts to bring the fire under control...'

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HE SWITCHES THE TV OFF

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DOORBELL RINGS

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-You all right, mate?

-What are you doing here?

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-Sorry, I just saw your light was on.

-And?

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And did you know there's a dead cat on your drive?

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-A what?

-A dead cat. You know? Meow.

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Only it can't, because...it's dead.

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-Right.

-It's weird, cos I was just walking along and all of a sudden...

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-I hope it's not an omen.

-An omen?

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Yeah! I'm about to get my exam results.

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Are black cats meant to be lucky or unlucky?

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If it's dead, I'd say it's unlucky.

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-Oh.

-Right thanks, well don't let me keep you.

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-Hang on!

-What?

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What are you going to do with the body?

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KEVIN GRUNTS

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Yep. It's definitely dead.

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-How do you think it died?

-I don't know, I'm not a vet!

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-What are you going to do with it?

-Chuck it in the bin.

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You can't do that!

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Well I'm not going to bury it with full military honours.

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I suppose.

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Thanks for all that, but you can go now.

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OK. Right.

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-Thanks, Jack...(!)

-Good luck with your exams

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-Morning.

-Oh, hello, love.

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What's all this?

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Well, as it's Jack's big day, we're having smoked salmon,

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scrambled eggs, pains au chocolat and a nice glass of Bucks fizz.

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Mum, you don't even know if he's passed.

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Of course he has. It's Jack! He always lands sunny side up.

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Now they were going to let him know by text after eight,

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so he should know by now. Where is he?!

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He was out with Ciaran drinking till all hours.

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I'll see if I can make some more noise then.

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-Mom!

-Sorry, did I wake you?!

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No, I was up anyway.

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What did you get? Not that it matters.

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You've done your best, that's all that counts. But what did you get?

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-I dunno.

-Why?

-I can't find my phone.

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OK, he's got the new childminder at nine, we need milk,

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nappies and his lunch. Daniel, can you do something, please?!

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-What?

-Change him.

-I just want to finish this...

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OK fine, take your time. I'll do it.

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Now then. How is my little man?

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-And are you going to be a good boy for Stella today?

-JOE BREAKS WIND

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Joe!

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For heaven's sake, Daniel, can you help me?!

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-He is your baby too!

-Oh, yeah, when he's making a mess,

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and you can't cope, then he's my baby too(!)

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JOE COOS

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-It's not in the living room.

-When did you last have it?

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If I knew that... I might have left it at Ciaran's.

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-Oh, great.

-It'll turn up.

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But you need to know your results!

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Why? It's not like I can change anything.

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Well, I want to open the champagne!

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Look here, give yourself a call, and see if Ciaran picks up or anybody.

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No. I'm going round to Ciaran's. See if he's got it.

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Oh, keep it. Give me a call.

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-And don't forget you've got lunch with your dad.

-Have I?

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Yes! To celebrate... or whatever. Good luck!

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I suppose all we can do is wait!

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Oh, yeah, we should definitely spend our whole lives obsessing over Jack.

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-It's the biggest day of his life.

-Yeah, right.

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Mrs Tembe, I'm in a meeting with the partners.

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No interruptions, please.

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Yes, Mr Bellamy.

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-Are you trying to catch mosquitoes?!

-You what?

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You have been yawning ever since you got here.

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I've hardly had any sleep. Five o'clock this morning,

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-guess who comes knocking on my door?

-I have no idea.

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Jack Hollins. Apparently I had a dead cat on my driveway.

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-A dead cat in your driveway?!

-Is there an echo in here?

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-What did you do with it?

-It was a bit too late for CPR.

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Didn't you try to find the owner?

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No, it didn't have a nametag or anything.

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But the cat must belong to somebody. They must be missing it terribly.

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Yeah, but I can hardly go knocking on every door in Letherbridge!

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I will ring round. I will call the animal rescue centre.

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-Mrs Tembe!

-No, there is no need to thank me!

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It's what any decent human being would do.

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Shouldn't we wait for Heston?

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Doctor Carter's loss!

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Anyway, we are ready to appoint a new part time doctor.

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-Part time?

-That's right.

-But we've just lost a full time

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member of staff, surely we can find another one?

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Freya was a registrar, not quite the same financially.

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If you look at the figures,

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you'll see we were fastly approaching the red.

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And we've lost a few income streams, including the drugs trial.

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-Did you look at my spreadsheet?

-Um...

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Never mind.

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Good news.

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I have spoken to the animal rescue centre,

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and they have given me the number of the lady who has lost her cat.

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OK, fine, but we don't even know if it's her cat!

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-I'll give her a call at lunchtime.

-No, there is no need.

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I have given your next patient to Dr Cassidy,

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-so you can talk to her now.

-No, don't do...!

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Oh, um... Hello, yes... I believe you've lost your cat?

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Yes! I did! Have you found him?

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I'm really sorry, but your cat's passed away.

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-No!

-Yeah. It was some kind of accident. I found it on my drive.

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Oh!

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This isn't true. This is a crank call!

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How dare you play a trick on an old woman!

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No, it's not a crank, I'm a doctor at the Mill Health Centre.

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No!

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Um, I'm really sorry for your loss. Erm... Bye. SHE SOBS

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-KNOCK ON THE DOOR

-Yep!

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-Quick question!

-Go on.

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I've a patient who wants to go on Irevlin.

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-Would you recommend it?

-Why are you asking me?!

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I was going to ask Daniel, but he's with a patient.

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Oh, so I'm just a stand-in for Daniel, is that it?!

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-I didn't mean... Are you all right?

-Yes, FINE, thank you!

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Look, I know the first year as a working mum can be stressful,

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if you're interested I could organise some reflexology.

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Oh, stick pins in me! Like that'll help!

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Stella's just called.

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Joe's been sick, can you go and pick him up?

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Why can't you go? Why do I have to go?

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-Because I've got a full list until 2:00.

-Fine!

-I'll just...

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Excuse me.

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I'll pick up Joe with one hand and do my paperwork with the other.

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Just so long as you're not affected!

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-Tembe!

-She just wants a word with you.

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Her cat died on my drive, it's got nothing to do with me!

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YOU are a doctor.

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And your words can bring comfort to people.

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Mrs Merriam! HE MOUTHS

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-Hello.

-Hello.

-I will see you later.

-Yes, thank you very much!

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I believe you found my cat?

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Yes, that's right.

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Was it... this cat?

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Yeah, that's him. He had the white patch on his face.

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Oh. I was hoping it was a mistake, but...

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Please, have a seat.

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Thank you. You said it was a road accident?

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It's quite a busy road.

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And people don't look where they're going,

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but what did you do with the body?

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I rang the council and got them to collect it.

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That's a shame.

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I would have liked to bury him in the garden, but what's done is done.

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-Cheers, mate.

-Cheers.

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-Jack!

-All right?

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-Any sign of it?

-What?

-Your phone.

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No. I've looked everywhere.

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I've been to Ciaran's, the chippy, the Chinese,

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-the all-night kebab shop.

-How much food do you eat?!

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-It's gone.

-Maybe you lost it subconsciously.

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I mean, what is going on in that head of yours?

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I'm just a bit scared.

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His name was Edward. Edward Scissorpaws.

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Right.

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It was the vicar who named him.

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He came to see him when he was just a kitten,

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and he wouldn't stop scratching.

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I'm really sorry for your loss, but I do have other patients.

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It was lovely lying in bed at night and listen to him on patrol.

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-Going into battle with a Daddy Long Legs!

-I'm sure.

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They're such good company.

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Time spent with cats is never wasted.

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I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

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I've written a poem about Edward.

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"Edward, with your claws that shred The pillows on my featherbed

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"Those beady eyes, so very wise, In search of mice to pulverise..."

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Look! I'm really sorry for your loss but it was only a cat!

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I know. I know! But he was the only family I had!

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My husband died of liver cancer last year,

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and just before he went into hospital, he bought me Edward.

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So I'd have company when he was gone.

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-HER VOICE BREAKS

-And I know it's pathetic,

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but that cat was my entire life!

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I'm sorry to have bothered you!

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Mrs Merriam!

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SHE SOBS

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Is everything all right?

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-HE SIGHS

-Great.

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So I get pressure at uni, pressure on the news,

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then I've got Mum and Immie doing my head in.

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As long as you get a degree,

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does it really matter if it's a 2.1 or a 2.2?

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Yeah, because I'm trying to get into this really cutthroat profession,

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just when there's no jobs about. If I don't get a good degree...

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-Then you could end up like me!

-I didn't mean that.

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I know. I hope you get what you want.

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It'll open doors for you.

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-Do you remember what you wanted to be when you were nine?

-A fireman?

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Not quite. I took you down to London

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to have a go on the London Eye.

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While we were there, you saw a homeless guy,

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sleeping in a cardboard box

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and you said, when I'm King of the World, no-one will be homeless,

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everyone will share everything and no-one will be sad.

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-Yeah, well, I was a stupid little kid.

-I don't think so.

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MOBILE RINGS

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Your mum.

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Hello?

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-Has Jack found his phone yet?

-If he had, he would have rung you by now.

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-Can't you find it, you're meant to be a policeman?

-MOBILE VIBRATING

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Oh, right, in that case I'll get a whole team of tracker dogs

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-and a helicopter.

-Hello?!

-Immie! Shut up, I'm talking to your dad.

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-Im, is that you?

-Can you not use a satellite tracking thingy?

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-Love, it's a mobile!

-Jack, I've got your phone.

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-Where was it?

-Down the back of the sofa, on silent, you muppet!

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Will you shut up, I'm trying to talk to your dad!

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-And I'm trying to talk to your son!

-Is that his phone?

-Yes!

-Give, give!

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Look! Ooh! Jack, I've found your phone!

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Hi, Mum.

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-Where was it?

-Under the sofa.

-Down the back of the sofa.

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-Yes, she said.

-That's great, isn't it. You can come home now.

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-Yeah. I'll see you soon.

-Do you want me to...?

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No! Bye!

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-Bye, Dad.

-Goodbye!

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-That's great, isn't it!

-Let's see what he got.

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-You can't do that!

-Why not?

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Cos he doesn't like people interfering. What did he get?

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Dunno, his phone's locked.

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# Birds flying high, you know how I feel

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# Sun in the sky, you know how I feel

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# Breeze driftin' on by, you know how I feel

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# It's a new dawn It's a new day

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# It's a new life for me

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# Yeah, it's a new dawn It's a new day

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# It's a new life for me

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# Oooh, ooh, ooh

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# And I'm feeling good

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# Fish in the sea

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# You know how I feel

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# River running free, you know how I feel

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# Blossom in the trees, you know how I feel

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# It's a new dawn It's a new day

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# It's a new life for me

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# And I'm feeling good

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# Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don't you know... #

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'This is Daniel Granger, please leave a message.'

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Daniel. Just to let you know your son is OK.

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A bit of diarrhoea.

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And to ask you if you have any idea when you might be home?

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DOORBELL RINGS

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What do you want?

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I just wanted to apologise about before.

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I was out of order, and there's no excuse.

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-I know.

-And I have something for you.

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What have you got?

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It's Edward.

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I know I said I got the council to collect him, but I didn't.

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-He was on my drive.

-Why did you lie?

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Because I didn't want the hassle of having to go and get him for you.

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-I don't believe you.

-It's true.

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I just wanted to dump the cat somewhere

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and get on with my life, but when I saw how upset you were...

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You better come in.

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-Where have you been?!

-I bumped into a couple of mates.

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-We've been worried sick about you!

-I'm fine.

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So, where's my phone?

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I'm really sorry.

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What for?

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I opened your text.

0:17:570:17:59

-But you don't know my passcode.

-It's 1234.

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OK... what did I get?!

0:18:040:18:07

Um... you got a third.

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That's good isn't it? You passed!

0:18:140:18:17

Now can I get you something to celebrate?

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Yeah! Get me a time machine!

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Cos I've just wasted the last three years of my life!

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Tomorrow morning, I'm going to bury him under the pine tree.

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It was where he had his headquarters.

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Would you like me to...?

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No, no. No need.

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It doesn't matter.

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SHE GASPS

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Mrs Merriam?

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Sorry.

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-I haven't been sleeping.

-Look, here's a list of numbers,

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-in case you need someone to talk to.

-Thank you.

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-All the interesting people get thirds.

-Great(!) I'll be unemployed,

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-but interesting.

-You still have a degree.

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So have millions of other people.

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If I'd just worked a bit harder. With a 2.2,

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I might have had some kind of future.

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With a 2.2, I could have winged it in a job interview.

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With a 2.2, life just might be worth living.

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-Really?

-Really.

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Well that is a relief then, isn't it?!

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Why?

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-Why did you say I'd got a third?!

-I was winding you up!

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HE LAUGHS I got a 2.2!

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What did you do that for?

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To see the look on your face! And I knew you'd be happy

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-when you found out the truth.

-You nasty, vindictive little...

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-What's going on?!

-Jack's got a 2.2!

-Oh brilliant! But...

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Yeah, but unfortunately, I've also got a sister!

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What?!

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Losing Edward has reminded me of everyone else I've lost.

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You'll understand when you get to my age.

0:20:140:20:18

Well actually, I have lost someone. A colleague.

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-A friend.

-Oh, yes?

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We started work at the same time and erm...

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We were on trial, and there was only ever going to be one job,

0:20:350:20:40

So I kept wondering, which one of us'll be gone next year?

0:20:400:20:44

I never thought for a minute...

0:20:460:20:49

Oh, my dear, it couldn't be worse.

0:20:500:20:54

We always feel so guilty.

0:20:570:20:59

-Yeah, you're right.

-I'll never understand

0:21:010:21:03

why my husband had to go first. Why he had to jump the queue?

0:21:030:21:08

-I don't know.

-Sometimes I wish we could all be like daffodils.

0:21:080:21:13

All born at the same time. The same season.

0:21:130:21:17

Reach for the sun. And then all die together.

0:21:170:21:21

Instead of hanging on like a fossil.

0:21:210:21:24

You're not a fossil. You've got experience, and wisdom.

0:21:240:21:27

Oh yes, there's the Dalai Lama, and there's me.

0:21:270:21:32

Aw, we got off to a rocky start, but you're not a bad sort.

0:21:350:21:40

-Your patients are lucky to have you.

-Do you think so?

0:21:400:21:44

Sometimes it feels like I make mistake after mistake.

0:21:440:21:47

That's the problem with life.

0:21:470:21:50

When we make a mess of things, people comment.

0:21:500:21:54

But they never notice all the thousand things we get right.

0:21:540:21:58

I imagine, you save a person's life every single day.

0:21:580:22:02

Do you think so?

0:22:020:22:05

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm tired.

0:22:060:22:12

I'm going to have a lie down and close my eyes.

0:22:140:22:16

-Are you sure you're going to be OK?

-Oh, yes.

0:22:160:22:19

I'll be better when I've had a lie down.

0:22:190:22:21

-Well you know where I am if you need me.

-Yes.

0:22:230:22:27

I'll see myself out.

0:22:270:22:29

No. I don't think so.

0:22:400:22:44

# It's a new dawn It's a new day

0:22:440:22:46

# It's a new life for me

0:22:460:22:51

# It's a new dawn It's a new day

0:22:510:22:54

# It's a new life for me

0:22:540:22:57

# Ooh, ooh, oooh. #

0:22:570:22:59

DOOR SLAMS

0:22:590:23:02

What time is it?

0:23:080:23:10

Why didn't you answer your phone Daniel?

0:23:120:23:15

Why didn't you respond to ANY of my messages?

0:23:160:23:20

Why? So you could organise a brass band?

0:23:200:23:22

Or so you could be standing on the doorstep,

0:23:220:23:24

-waiting to have a go at me?

-Why do you make me, Daniel?

0:23:240:23:28

Why is everything round here my problem?!

0:23:280:23:30

Why has my life been turned completely upside down,

0:23:300:23:32

and yours hasn't changed a bit?!

0:23:320:23:34

Everything's changed! We never go out. We never have sex.

0:23:350:23:41

And you have become such a controlling bitch!

0:23:410:23:45

I can never do anything right!

0:23:450:23:47

I do lots of stuff around the house, it's never appreciated.

0:23:480:23:52

All you ever do is talk about Joe and all Joe wants is his mummy,

0:23:520:23:56

so what is the point of me?

0:23:560:23:58

Joe only wants me because YOU are NEVER here.

0:24:000:24:04

And if you are here in body, I don't know where your mind is!

0:24:040:24:09

I earn just as much money as you, I do ALL of the housework

0:24:090:24:12

and ALL of the childcare!

0:24:120:24:14

So yes, Daniel, WHAT IS THE POINT OF YOU?!

0:24:140:24:17

TV: 'Fire officers have confirmed one fatality believed to be

0:24:350:24:38

'a missing staff member.

0:24:380:24:40

'The fire, which started earlier today in a first floor linen store,

0:24:400:24:43

'is now under control after crews from several stations...'

0:24:430:24:46

HE TURNS THE TV OFF

0:24:460:24:48

KNOCK ON THE DOOR

0:24:510:24:53

Come in!

0:24:530:24:55

HE SIGHS Mum!

0:24:570:24:59

I can't help myself, I'm ever so proud.

0:24:590:25:02

Don't worry, it's a shop bought one.

0:25:020:25:05

Where does she get off doing that?

0:25:050:25:07

Cos she's jealous cos you're getting all the attention.

0:25:070:25:10

-I've got nothing she could be jealous of!

-Hello!

0:25:100:25:13

You've got a degree! I think it's brilliant!

0:25:130:25:17

-Is anyone home?

-Come in.

0:25:170:25:20

-I hear you got a Desmond!

-A what?

-A 2.2!

0:25:220:25:25

-Very good!

-Can I just say that I am really proud of you.

0:25:250:25:31

Thanks, Dad.

0:25:310:25:32

KNOCK ON THE DOOR What do you want?

0:25:350:25:37

I just want to say that I'm really sorry for winding you up,

0:25:370:25:41

-but I just wanted to make you feel better!

-Well that worked(!)

0:25:410:25:44

Oh, come on. You've got a lot to be proud of, and you will cope.

0:25:440:25:48

-I suppose.

-Piece of cake?

-Mmm.

0:25:480:25:51

-ROB LAUGHS She's not getting any.

-I don't want any!

-Don't start!

-She started it!

0:25:510:25:56

Stop arguing and just celebrate?!

0:25:560:25:59

-Yes. To Jack.

-ALL: To Jack.

0:25:590:26:02

Daniel?

0:26:040:26:06

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.

0:26:090:26:13

I am just SO tired. We all are.

0:26:180:26:25

It's like torture sometimes,

0:26:280:26:31

but we're going to get through this.

0:26:310:26:35

I know we will.

0:26:360:26:37

JOE CRIES

0:26:400:26:42

It's going to be OK, we're going to get through this.

0:26:460:26:50

JOE CONTINUES CRYING

0:26:500:26:53

HE SWITCHES THE BABY MONITOR OFF

0:26:560:26:58

Help me! Help!

0:27:050:27:07

I'm sorry, I can't.

0:27:070:27:09

Yes, you can. Give it another go.

0:27:090:27:11

Please, Phil. Tomorrow! Tomorrow I will.

0:27:110:27:14

Come on, love. You're not trying.

0:27:140:27:16

It was a big deal her coming here.

0:27:160:27:18

You could at least have the decency to...

0:27:180:27:20

But I don't have the decency, OK!

0:27:200:27:23

It's OK, doc, he's coming round now, feeling much better.

0:27:230:27:25

-We won't waste...

-I think the doctor had better come in. Don't you, Phil?

0:27:250:27:29

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