Catflap Doctors

# I get along without you very well

# Of course I do. #

Edward? Edward?!

# Except when soft rains fall... #

Oh, Edward, is that you?!

# The thrill of being sheltered in your arms

# Of course I do

# But I get along without you very well... #

BABY COOS

# I've forgotten you, just like I should

# Of course I have

# Except to hear your name

# Or someone's laugh that is the same... #

TV: 'According to reports, two members of staff

'are still unaccounted for.

'The blaze, which is thought to have broken out

'in a first floor linen store, continues to rage

'with several fire crews in attendance.

'Surrounding buildings have been evacuated,

'and the main approach road is also closed.

'Police are setting up diversions away from the area,

'while attempts to bring the fire under control...'

HE SWITCHES THE TV OFF

DOORBELL RINGS

-You all right, mate?

-What are you doing here?

-Sorry, I just saw your light was on.

-And?

And did you know there's a dead cat on your drive?

-A what?

-A dead cat. You know? Meow.

Only it can't, because...it's dead.

-Right.

-It's weird, cos I was just walking along and all of a sudden...

-I hope it's not an omen.

-An omen?

Yeah! I'm about to get my exam results.

Are black cats meant to be lucky or unlucky?

If it's dead, I'd say it's unlucky.

-Oh.

-Right thanks, well don't let me keep you.

-Hang on!

-What?

What are you going to do with the body?

KEVIN GRUNTS

Yep. It's definitely dead.

-How do you think it died?

-I don't know, I'm not a vet!

-What are you going to do with it?

-Chuck it in the bin.

You can't do that!

Well I'm not going to bury it with full military honours.

I suppose.

Thanks for all that, but you can go now.

OK. Right.

-Thanks, Jack...(!)

-Good luck with your exams

-Morning.

-Oh, hello, love.

What's all this?

Well, as it's Jack's big day, we're having smoked salmon,

scrambled eggs, pains au chocolat and a nice glass of Bucks fizz.

Mum, you don't even know if he's passed.

Of course he has. It's Jack! He always lands sunny side up.

Now they were going to let him know by text after eight,

so he should know by now. Where is he?!

He was out with Ciaran drinking till all hours.

I'll see if I can make some more noise then.

-Mom!

-Sorry, did I wake you?!

No, I was up anyway.

What did you get? Not that it matters.

You've done your best, that's all that counts. But what did you get?

-I dunno.

-Why?

-I can't find my phone.

OK, he's got the new childminder at nine, we need milk,

nappies and his lunch. Daniel, can you do something, please?!

-What?

-Change him.

-I just want to finish this...

OK fine, take your time. I'll do it.

Now then. How is my little man?

-And are you going to be a good boy for Stella today?

-JOE BREAKS WIND

Joe!

For heaven's sake, Daniel, can you help me?!

-He is your baby too!

-Oh, yeah, when he's making a mess,

and you can't cope, then he's my baby too(!)

JOE COOS

-It's not in the living room.

-When did you last have it?

If I knew that... I might have left it at Ciaran's.

-Oh, great.

-It'll turn up.

But you need to know your results!

Why? It's not like I can change anything.

Well, I want to open the champagne!

Look here, give yourself a call, and see if Ciaran picks up or anybody.

No. I'm going round to Ciaran's. See if he's got it.

Oh, keep it. Give me a call.

-And don't forget you've got lunch with your dad.

-Have I?

Yes! To celebrate... or whatever. Good luck!

I suppose all we can do is wait!

Oh, yeah, we should definitely spend our whole lives obsessing over Jack.

-It's the biggest day of his life.

-Yeah, right.

Mrs Tembe, I'm in a meeting with the partners.

No interruptions, please.

Yes, Mr Bellamy.

-Are you trying to catch mosquitoes?!

-You what?

You have been yawning ever since you got here.

I've hardly had any sleep. Five o'clock this morning,

-guess who comes knocking on my door?

-I have no idea.

Jack Hollins. Apparently I had a dead cat on my driveway.

-A dead cat in your driveway?!

-Is there an echo in here?

-What did you do with it?

-It was a bit too late for CPR.

Didn't you try to find the owner?

No, it didn't have a nametag or anything.

But the cat must belong to somebody. They must be missing it terribly.

Yeah, but I can hardly go knocking on every door in Letherbridge!

I will ring round. I will call the animal rescue centre.

-Mrs Tembe!

-No, there is no need to thank me!

It's what any decent human being would do.

Shouldn't we wait for Heston?

Doctor Carter's loss!

Anyway, we are ready to appoint a new part time doctor.

-Part time?

-That's right.

-But we've just lost a full time

member of staff, surely we can find another one?

Freya was a registrar, not quite the same financially.

If you look at the figures,

you'll see we were fastly approaching the red.

And we've lost a few income streams, including the drugs trial.

-Did you look at my spreadsheet?

-Um...

Never mind.

Good news.

I have spoken to the animal rescue centre,

and they have given me the number of the lady who has lost her cat.

OK, fine, but we don't even know if it's her cat!

-I'll give her a call at lunchtime.

-No, there is no need.

I have given your next patient to Dr Cassidy,

-so you can talk to her now.

-No, don't do...!

Oh, um... Hello, yes... I believe you've lost your cat?

Yes! I did! Have you found him?

I'm really sorry, but your cat's passed away.

-No!

-Yeah. It was some kind of accident. I found it on my drive.

Oh!

This isn't true. This is a crank call!

How dare you play a trick on an old woman!

No, it's not a crank, I'm a doctor at the Mill Health Centre.

No!

Um, I'm really sorry for your loss. Erm... Bye. SHE SOBS

-KNOCK ON THE DOOR

-Yep!

-Quick question!

-Go on.

I've a patient who wants to go on Irevlin.

-Would you recommend it?

-Why are you asking me?!

I was going to ask Daniel, but he's with a patient.

Oh, so I'm just a stand-in for Daniel, is that it?!

-I didn't mean... Are you all right?

-Yes, FINE, thank you!

Look, I know the first year as a working mum can be stressful,

if you're interested I could organise some reflexology.

Oh, stick pins in me! Like that'll help!

Stella's just called.

Joe's been sick, can you go and pick him up?

Why can't you go? Why do I have to go?

-Because I've got a full list until 2:00.

-Fine!

-I'll just...

Excuse me.

I'll pick up Joe with one hand and do my paperwork with the other.

Just so long as you're not affected!

-Tembe!

-She just wants a word with you.

Her cat died on my drive, it's got nothing to do with me!

YOU are a doctor.

And your words can bring comfort to people.

Mrs Merriam! HE MOUTHS

-Hello.

-Hello.

-I will see you later.

-Yes, thank you very much!

I believe you found my cat?

Yes, that's right.

Was it... this cat?

Yeah, that's him. He had the white patch on his face.

Oh. I was hoping it was a mistake, but...

Please, have a seat.

Thank you. You said it was a road accident?

It's quite a busy road.

And people don't look where they're going,

but what did you do with the body?

I rang the council and got them to collect it.

That's a shame.

I would have liked to bury him in the garden, but what's done is done.

-Cheers, mate.

-Cheers.

-Jack!

-All right?

-Any sign of it?

-What?

-Your phone.

No. I've looked everywhere.

I've been to Ciaran's, the chippy, the Chinese,

-the all-night kebab shop.

-How much food do you eat?!

-It's gone.

-Maybe you lost it subconsciously.

I mean, what is going on in that head of yours?

I'm just a bit scared.

His name was Edward. Edward Scissorpaws.

Right.

It was the vicar who named him.

He came to see him when he was just a kitten,

and he wouldn't stop scratching.

I'm really sorry for your loss, but I do have other patients.

It was lovely lying in bed at night and listen to him on patrol.

-Going into battle with a Daddy Long Legs!

-I'm sure.

They're such good company.

Time spent with cats is never wasted.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

I've written a poem about Edward.

"Edward, with your claws that shred The pillows on my featherbed

"Those beady eyes, so very wise, In search of mice to pulverise..."

Look! I'm really sorry for your loss but it was only a cat!

I know. I know! But he was the only family I had!

My husband died of liver cancer last year,

and just before he went into hospital, he bought me Edward.

So I'd have company when he was gone.

-HER VOICE BREAKS

-And I know it's pathetic,

but that cat was my entire life!

I'm sorry to have bothered you!

Mrs Merriam!

SHE SOBS

Is everything all right?

-HE SIGHS

-Great.

So I get pressure at uni, pressure on the news,

then I've got Mum and Immie doing my head in.

As long as you get a degree,

does it really matter if it's a 2.1 or a 2.2?

Yeah, because I'm trying to get into this really cutthroat profession,

just when there's no jobs about. If I don't get a good degree...

-Then you could end up like me!

-I didn't mean that.

I know. I hope you get what you want.

It'll open doors for you.

-Do you remember what you wanted to be when you were nine?

-A fireman?

Not quite. I took you down to London

to have a go on the London Eye.

While we were there, you saw a homeless guy,

sleeping in a cardboard box

and you said, when I'm King of the World, no-one will be homeless,

everyone will share everything and no-one will be sad.

-Yeah, well, I was a stupid little kid.

-I don't think so.

MOBILE RINGS

Your mum.

Hello?

-Has Jack found his phone yet?

-If he had, he would have rung you by now.

-Can't you find it, you're meant to be a policeman?

-MOBILE VIBRATING

Oh, right, in that case I'll get a whole team of tracker dogs

-and a helicopter.

-Hello?!

-Immie! Shut up, I'm talking to your dad.

-Im, is that you?

-Can you not use a satellite tracking thingy?

-Love, it's a mobile!

-Jack, I've got your phone.

-Where was it?

-Down the back of the sofa, on silent, you muppet!

Will you shut up, I'm trying to talk to your dad!

-And I'm trying to talk to your son!

-Is that his phone?

-Yes!

-Give, give!

Look! Ooh! Jack, I've found your phone!

Hi, Mum.

-Where was it?

-Under the sofa.

-Down the back of the sofa.

-Yes, she said.

-That's great, isn't it. You can come home now.

-Yeah. I'll see you soon.

-Do you want me to...?

No! Bye!

-Bye, Dad.

-Goodbye!

-That's great, isn't it!

-Let's see what he got.

-You can't do that!

-Why not?

Cos he doesn't like people interfering. What did he get?

Dunno, his phone's locked.

# Birds flying high, you know how I feel

# Sun in the sky, you know how I feel

# Breeze driftin' on by, you know how I feel

# It's a new dawn It's a new day

# It's a new life for me

# Yeah, it's a new dawn It's a new day

# It's a new life for me

# Oooh, ooh, ooh

# And I'm feeling good

# Fish in the sea

# You know how I feel

# River running free, you know how I feel

# Blossom in the trees, you know how I feel

# It's a new dawn It's a new day

# It's a new life for me

# And I'm feeling good

# Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don't you know... #

'This is Daniel Granger, please leave a message.'

Daniel. Just to let you know your son is OK.

A bit of diarrhoea.

And to ask you if you have any idea when you might be home?

DOORBELL RINGS

What do you want?

I just wanted to apologise about before.

I was out of order, and there's no excuse.

-I know.

-And I have something for you.

What have you got?

It's Edward.

I know I said I got the council to collect him, but I didn't.

-He was on my drive.

-Why did you lie?

Because I didn't want the hassle of having to go and get him for you.

-I don't believe you.

-It's true.

I just wanted to dump the cat somewhere

and get on with my life, but when I saw how upset you were...

You better come in.

-Where have you been?!

-I bumped into a couple of mates.

-We've been worried sick about you!

-I'm fine.

So, where's my phone?

I'm really sorry.

What for?

I opened your text.

-But you don't know my passcode.

-It's 1234.

OK... what did I get?!

Um... you got a third.

That's good isn't it? You passed!

Now can I get you something to celebrate?

Yeah! Get me a time machine!

Cos I've just wasted the last three years of my life!

Tomorrow morning, I'm going to bury him under the pine tree.

It was where he had his headquarters.

Would you like me to...?

No, no. No need.

It doesn't matter.

SHE GASPS

Mrs Merriam?

Sorry.

-I haven't been sleeping.

-Look, here's a list of numbers,

-in case you need someone to talk to.

-Thank you.

-All the interesting people get thirds.

-Great(!) I'll be unemployed,

-but interesting.

-You still have a degree.

So have millions of other people.

If I'd just worked a bit harder. With a 2.2,

I might have had some kind of future.

With a 2.2, I could have winged it in a job interview.

With a 2.2, life just might be worth living.

-Really?

-Really.

Well that is a relief then, isn't it?!

Why?

-Why did you say I'd got a third?!

-I was winding you up!

HE LAUGHS I got a 2.2!

What did you do that for?

To see the look on your face! And I knew you'd be happy

-when you found out the truth.

-You nasty, vindictive little...

-What's going on?!

-Jack's got a 2.2!

-Oh brilliant! But...

Yeah, but unfortunately, I've also got a sister!

What?!

Losing Edward has reminded me of everyone else I've lost.

You'll understand when you get to my age.

Well actually, I have lost someone. A colleague.

-A friend.

-Oh, yes?

We started work at the same time and erm...

We were on trial, and there was only ever going to be one job,

So I kept wondering, which one of us'll be gone next year?

I never thought for a minute...

Oh, my dear, it couldn't be worse.

We always feel so guilty.

-Yeah, you're right.

-I'll never understand

why my husband had to go first. Why he had to jump the queue?

-I don't know.

-Sometimes I wish we could all be like daffodils.

All born at the same time. The same season.

Reach for the sun. And then all die together.

Instead of hanging on like a fossil.

You're not a fossil. You've got experience, and wisdom.

Oh yes, there's the Dalai Lama, and there's me.

Aw, we got off to a rocky start, but you're not a bad sort.

-Your patients are lucky to have you.

-Do you think so?

Sometimes it feels like I make mistake after mistake.

That's the problem with life.

When we make a mess of things, people comment.

But they never notice all the thousand things we get right.

I imagine, you save a person's life every single day.

Do you think so?

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm tired.

I'm going to have a lie down and close my eyes.

-Are you sure you're going to be OK?

-Oh, yes.

I'll be better when I've had a lie down.

-Well you know where I am if you need me.

-Yes.

I'll see myself out.

No. I don't think so.

# It's a new dawn It's a new day

# It's a new life for me

# It's a new dawn It's a new day

# It's a new life for me

# Ooh, ooh, oooh. #

DOOR SLAMS

What time is it?

Why didn't you answer your phone Daniel?

Why didn't you respond to ANY of my messages?

Why? So you could organise a brass band?

Or so you could be standing on the doorstep,

-waiting to have a go at me?

-Why do you make me, Daniel?

Why is everything round here my problem?!

Why has my life been turned completely upside down,

and yours hasn't changed a bit?!

Everything's changed! We never go out. We never have sex.

And you have become such a controlling bitch!

I can never do anything right!

I do lots of stuff around the house, it's never appreciated.

All you ever do is talk about Joe and all Joe wants is his mummy,

so what is the point of me?

Joe only wants me because YOU are NEVER here.

And if you are here in body, I don't know where your mind is!

I earn just as much money as you, I do ALL of the housework

and ALL of the childcare!

So yes, Daniel, WHAT IS THE POINT OF YOU?!

TV: 'Fire officers have confirmed one fatality believed to be

'a missing staff member.

'The fire, which started earlier today in a first floor linen store,

'is now under control after crews from several stations...'

HE TURNS THE TV OFF

KNOCK ON THE DOOR

Come in!

HE SIGHS Mum!

I can't help myself, I'm ever so proud.

Don't worry, it's a shop bought one.

Where does she get off doing that?

Cos she's jealous cos you're getting all the attention.

-I've got nothing she could be jealous of!

-Hello!

You've got a degree! I think it's brilliant!

-Is anyone home?

-Come in.

-I hear you got a Desmond!

-A what?

-A 2.2!

-Very good!

-Can I just say that I am really proud of you.

Thanks, Dad.

KNOCK ON THE DOOR What do you want?

I just want to say that I'm really sorry for winding you up,

-but I just wanted to make you feel better!

-Well that worked(!)

Oh, come on. You've got a lot to be proud of, and you will cope.

-I suppose.

-Piece of cake?

-Mmm.

-ROB LAUGHS She's not getting any.

-I don't want any!

-Don't start!

-She started it!

Stop arguing and just celebrate?!

-Yes. To Jack.

-ALL: To Jack.

Daniel?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.

I am just SO tired. We all are.

It's like torture sometimes,

but we're going to get through this.

I know we will.

JOE CRIES

It's going to be OK, we're going to get through this.

JOE CONTINUES CRYING

HE SWITCHES THE BABY MONITOR OFF

Help me! Help!

I'm sorry, I can't.

Yes, you can. Give it another go.

Please, Phil. Tomorrow! Tomorrow I will.

Come on, love. You're not trying.

It was a big deal her coming here.

You could at least have the decency to...

But I don't have the decency, OK!

It's OK, doc, he's coming round now, feeling much better.

-We won't waste...

-I think the doctor had better come in. Don't you, Phil?

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