Nice Packet Doctors

.

Please, Immie. You know I don't want to call Catherine Mannings.

-Not my problem.

-Please!

Jack, I've told you I'm busy.

Anyway, Catherine Mannings has been dying for an opportunity

to be your...

..right hand.

I won't forget this.

Oh, hi, Catherine.

How are you fixed for this afternoon?

No, for work.

I've got a new client. It's Patricia Montana.

SHE GASPS

OK, if you want to come through.

-Daniel, I've made you a...

-Have to be later.

Cherry...

Not now, Karen.

"Thank you very much, Karen".

"Don't mention it".

-Give.

-Give me the job then.

-You've got plans?

Do you even know who Patricia Montana is?

She sells T-shirts and stuff on the internet.

That is like saying Lady Gaga sings a bit.

Whatever.

What's the job?

-NOW you're interested!

-Jack!

Packing. Best bit is, she's paying on completion.

Here's the deal - I'm on it, on it, on it!

And you don't have to pay me till next month.

What's so good about Patricia Montana?

Hello? Iconic.

She's like this holistic, creative diva.

She's all eco, she does hand-blocking and..

OK, she's some art guru phenomenon,

and you want the chance to be in her glittering presence.

PHONE RINGS

OK. But here's the deal - you keep it professional,

you're representing my company.

Your company?

You do the job and you don't be some sort of embarrassing suck-up.

Moi(?)

Yeah, but I bought what he normally has.

OK, but I didn't know that.

Yes, I should have.

If you'd said...

Either way, he's got enough nappies for now.

So it's not the end of the world? Zara?

Zara?!

-Sorry.

-What?

Cherry's got an infected C-section scar. She's asking for a doctor.

"A doctor" or a particular doctor?

-She asked for Heston, but...

-Sounds pretty straightforward to me.

No, Heston has to go at one, he's just had someone go in.

She asked for Heston. Get Heston.

I'll get Heston.

No. No, no, no -

you're going to have to deal with it.

Sorry about that. Stupid man. He'll still be talking.

"Patricia, I don't know what to do "

Take him a while to work out when I've actually hung up.

Plonker. Now, where were we?

-Wirelessly printing.

-Yes, of course.

So, advice slip goes in with the merchandise,

and the address is printed on the bottom.

It is all captured by the production data software,

but I need you to write it in the book because I'm anally retentive.

Me, too. SO retentive.

-There's a lot to get through.

-And I'll get through it.

I may Skype you later if I have time.

I won't let you down, Ms Montana.

-That is a cool shirt.

-Is it?

I thought that whole tattoo thing was well and truly over.

-Shows what I know!

-I designed and printed it myself.

Clever girl.

Like an espresso before I go?

You bet!

Take a seat.

My dentist isn't working from the beginning

of the opening ceremony to the end of the closing one.

-Not an Olympic gold filling, then?

-He's going to squeeze me in.

-Go on, then. We'll manage.

-You sure?

If I was to change my mind, would you cancel your appointment?

Hop it!

Emily Watson?

Mr Clarkson needs to see you again.

But Mr Sterling's next.

He left this.

He's in the gents doing another one

Lovely!

It's fine - tell him to bring it in when he's done.

I presume you have a portfolio.

I almost brought it.

Didn't want to be too pushy?

Be pushy! I like this...vintage vibe thing you've got going on.

It's cool. Not overdone.

Do you want me to be honest?

I only work with people I trust implicitly.

I designed and printed it myself, but my mother "distressed" it.

Not a hand washer?

Everything goes on a hot wash with double Daz.

Mothers, eh? They do like their kids to be clean.

I'd do it myself.

I wouldn't mind, but I'd start doing the ironing and she's all...

Mind you, she does wreck my clothes brilliantly sometimes.

I like you, Imogen Hollins, so you do a good job today,

no glitches, no hitches, no messing around,

and I'll look at your portfolio tomorrow.

You will? Really?

Yes, but you get the job done.

No fannying about - prove that I can rely on you.

-I will.

-Good girl.

Phew. Is that it? All the Letherbridge Olympians match fit?

-Karen, about before...

-It's fine.

No, I was rude, and I want to apologise.

Listen, it's nearly four o'clock. When you stare into holes

and down tubes for a living,

and you've got a little one keeping you awake all night,

you earn the right to be a little bit scratchy occasionally.

Just as long as you know I'm sorry.

Heston's finally got his choppers fixed and he'll be back soon.

Why don't you go and get something to eat? Go on.

Ah.

OK.

POSH VOICE: Hello, this is Imogen Hollins from Hollins Montana Top Drawer Schmatta.

I'm sending over some new designs.

Really? The new Giambattista Valli?

Is THAT what they're calling me?

Oh, stop it! No, you stop it.

No, you stop it. Oh, darling!

SHE CRIES

Here you go, take your time.

I'm all done. I'm fixed up and filled in.

Good for you.

-Very quiet?

-Yeah.

Where is everyone?

Daniel left for his lunch about ten minutes ago...

Lunch?

Cherry hasn't even had her break yet.

She got stuck with a right blubber since before Daniel went.

"Blubber?" Do you mean a patient with obesity issues, Karen?

CRYING

No, a "blubber" - a patient who blubs.

Excuse me, are you still serving food?

Yeah.

What's going on in here?

Promotion party, apparently Malcolm's made it into marketing.

Good for Malcolm.

-Do you mind?

-No, course not.

-What a day, eh?

-Yeah, insane.

So, what looks good?

Have you ordered yet?

No, I haven't even managed to do that yet.

Oh, come on! You've got to be kidding.

Huh! Who are you?

Drake Montana,

and you are...?

I'm working for your...wife? She never said anybody'd be here.

That's be because I've just gotten back. And she's not my wife.

"Gotten back"?

I'm Patricia's brother. I work out of Hong Kong, usually.

Do you work for her?

-WITH Patricia.

-She never said.

She's not expecting me. So, what is this?

Bit late for lunch, right?

I'm starved, but I've only got time for coffee,

and this thing is not playing ball.

-So you're...?

-Imogen - Immie.

Patricia's not given you time to eat?

-It's not important...

-No, it's outrageous.

No she's given me this opportunity to...

You need to at least have a sandwich, or something.

I can't. DOORBELL RINGS

Ooh - it's turning into a party!

Little sister - this is me checking up on you.

Hi, I'm Drake.

Course you are.

OK, awkward. I'll go and put some clothes on.

-Good idea.

-Jack!

-What?

You're supposed to be working,

but you're with some smarmy douche in a hand towel. What's going on?

This is the first time I've stopped all day.

I haven't even had coffee. That is Drake Montana, Patricia's brother.

He works for the company, which means nothing to you because - duh! -

-you have no idea how fabulous this is!

-The dude's got no clothes on!

He didn't know I was in the house. He's put them on now.

"On it, on it, on it."

However distracted you get, you don't mess up.

Hello! You didn't even know who the client was.

-I won't mess this up. It's one huge step up the ladder!

-What?

If I do a good job, I get to show her my portfolio tomorrow.

You sucked up! What did I tell you about sucking up?!

I didn't suck up, I didn't need to. Drink it in.

This is talent you're looking at,

and Patricia Montana knows talent when she sees it.

I don't have to suck up to make a good impression.

Yeah, well, you better be getting dressed.

Thank you. By the time she gets our order sorted, it'll be time

to go back to the campus.

No, Heston's holding the fort. He insisted.

Karen's only to call us

if his fillings fall out, or there's some other major emergency.

Can you believe how busy it was today?

I know. I hardly saw you all day.

Point is, we're owed a lunch,

and it was dead as a tombstone when I left.

We finally fixed everyone.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Karen?

Listen, me and Heston have been thinking.

-Ooh, careful(!)

-Tell her.

'Tell me what?'

Heston's made an executive decision -

-you can have the rest of the day off.

-Really?

Yes, this is me being the good news fairy. I just need to tell Daniel.

Daniel's got the rest of the day off as well?

It has so been decreed.

OK, I'll tell him. Bye.

What?

It is officially Merlot o'clock!

Wow. Waiter!

I could only find cheese, but you have to have something.

I've got to finish.

I had a hellish journey home, I really need to chill and relax.

Why don't you sit and chillax with me, just for a bit?

Because Patricia hired me to do the job and I've got to get it done.

Work ethic? Worthy, but..

Patricia also promised to look at my portfolio.

Oh, OK - I get it.

I'll stop distracting you, then.

But you know I'd be more than happy to take a look at your portfolio.

I've got exquisite taste, trust me.

OK! I get it.

Eat the sandwich!

So how's Jimmi?

He's fine.

Listen, sorry about...

..you know, the OCD thing,

-being in denial. I was completely out of order.

-It's fine.

It's like you shined a big light on the whole thing.

Is he still mad at me?

He'll get over it.

Truth hurts.

-How's Joe?

-I'm famished.

Joe's all right?

I don't really know. He seems fine.

I see him, obviously, I see him with his mother,

and they're doing great. They are thriving.

Good. Putting weight on?

Must be, because, of course, Zara's acing it.

Mary Poppins.

It's me that doesn't seem to fit.

I don't seem to be able to...

..whatever I do.

That's rubbish.

New dads get side-lined.

Do they get sent off, too?

Tough ref. Who'd've thought?

I'm a complete letdown. Ask Zara.

"Ask Zara"?

Mm-hm.

Right.

This is completely out-of-line,

but I'm just going to say it anyway.

Who cares what Zara thinks?

Mrs Nag-Nag-Nag-Nag-Nag,

-and in front of me and Jimmi? She's such a...

-Hormones?

..cow.

And that isn't cooking, that is reheating.

And if she's Wonder Woman, it's only because you let her be.

"Ask Zara"? Zara doesn't even know what side her bread's buttered!

Sorry.

MUSIC: "My Humps" by The Black-Eyed Peas

# What you going to do with all that junk?

# All that junk inside your trunk?

# I'm going to get you drunk

# Get you love drunk off my hump

# My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump

# My hump, my hump, my hump My lovely little lumps

# Check it out... #

THEY LAUGH

Ah! Thank you.

Thank you.

There is more than one way to disrespect the jogging.

It's ridiculous. I could have grown a lettuce faster than that.

SHE LAUGHS

You know what this is?

This is...an afternoon version of brunch.

"Lupper!"

That's good!

THEY LAUGH

You know I said those things about Zara?

I'd feel so much better

-if you said something mean about Jimmi.

-Like what?

Um... Off the top of my head,

how about, "You know his obsessive compulsions

"are a nightmare to live with?"

Or, "It was bad enough when they centred on ridiculous cleaning routines,

"and his precision table-laying?"

Well, I could say...

I was grateful about what you said about the running.

-Manic.

-I should have seen it.

You're too close.

It was bad enough before, but at least we...

Now he's just knackered all the time.

He works, he runs, I clean, he runs some more.

Not so rosy?

We'd be all right if we were as close as we were before.

"Close"?

Yeah, I need closeness.

But every time I try, he's knackered.

Every time I...

There's worse addictions, I suppose.

Would you like the number for Joggers Anonymous?

This has gone straight to my head.

OK, we've got get-out-of-jail-free cards - we can get cabs.

Another?

Go on, as long as we don't have to jog anywhere, ever, even walk fast.

Excuse me. Another one, please.

-Cin cin.

-Cin cin!

-I've got a plan.

-I've got a job to do.

We'll get it done, together, and then we can kick back.

I'm the one who's here to work.

Absolutely. It'd be unfair of me to take your eye off the ball.

I can't let you.

So I'm suggesting I help you get done

everything you need to get done

-But...

-But listen, you're an artist, aren't you?

So what's with all the prosaic pedestrianism?

I help. Then, and only then, I get the pleasure of your company,

somewhere that doesn't smell of packing tape.

That sounds very nice, but it wouldn't feel right. Sorry.

-I'm offering. Free will. Want to do it.

-Even so...

Laps of the gods. Heads I win, tails you get to play martyr,

and we'll both be miserable for the rest of the day.

COMPUTER BLEEPS

Imogen?

Hi? Patricia, can you see me?

Yes, there's a camera.

I'm just checking to make sure everything's OK?

-Imogen, darling....

-Yes! Look - just a minute, OK?

Look, I can't see I'm going to be back for eight.

If you hang on in, I'll settle up then, all right?

OK! Take care. Bye.

Heads.

I mean, I'm not on the spectrum.

How is that a problem?

-It isn't.

-You know what counts as being evil in my world? The wrong spray cleaner.

I mean, I ask you.

SHE LAUGHS

I bet you do way more wrong things than I do.

Ah, 24/7. You know, Zara doesn't mean to be so oppressive.

That's like saying she doesn't mean to be such a nag.

It isn't. I didn't say that.

-No, you didn't. But she is.

-She totally is.

Do you want to know something else about Jimmi?

Kind of yes, kind of no.

Any time I do manage a bit of "closeness"

I have to be careful of the sore bits.

THEY LAUGH

He's rubbed raw in places.

I could give you a cream for that.

You're a very good doctor!

Hey, hey, who's this?

-AS HESTON:

-Zinc and castor oil cream should be applied in an anti-clockwise motion.

Any moron knows that.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Hey, hey, who's this?

-AS JIMMI:

-"I've told you before, stir my coffee three times clockwise,

"two times anti-clockwise, take the spoon out the middle"

-AS JIMMI:

-Don't touch me there, it's far too tender!

THEY LAUGH

Has that got booze in it?

You're off the clock, everything's done.

Yeah, but is it alcoholic?

It isn't, but what would it matter if it was?

I don't think getting smashed in my potential employer's home

is probably my best way to go.

Oh, that's nice - what is it?

Patricia's recipe - she mixes it for designated drivers.

It's delish.

See? Glad it was heads? I'm Mr Mixologist, me.

And also a top-notch host. Hand cut potato-based snack product?

SOUTHERN AMERICAN ACCENT: Why, Drake Montana, I do believe you're flirting with me,

with your high class beverages and your scrumptious nibbles.

-SOUTHERN AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Why, Miss Imogen! I am a gentleman.

-Yeah, I bet you are(!)

Coffee? Cos I can't go home like this.

I'll grab my stuff - you sort the beverages,

then I'll call another cab.

OK, but you can have the first drop-off, because you have way more to be afraid of than I have!

-AS JIMMI:

-Spoon out from the middle!

SHE LAUGHS

Cheers!

When you said "non-alcoholic",

what did you mean?

-Not very.

-You beast!

I know!

When you said "not very" -

what did you mean ?

It's got wallop.

So you've been telling me porky pies!

Just little white lies, and who could blame me?

Why, though?

I wanted you to relax. I want you to relax, with me.

Erm..

Would you like to tell me what the hell you think you're doing?

Like to tell me what you'd have got up to if I hadn't got home early?

-Come on, Patricia.

-Zip it. Don't you "Patricia" me.

-We weren't expecting you.

-Clearly.

No, we weren't, and your brother...

Sorry, what? "My brother"? I don't have a brother.

Would you like to tell Miss Hollins quite how old you are,

my little sweetness?

Mum, don't call me that!

You little git. The only reason I am home early is because

your half-soaked father told me you'd been expelled again!

Look, just tell her how old you are, then get upstairs,

brush your teeth and get to bed!

How old?!

-15. Nearly 16.

-Pardon?

15!

Oh, you dirty old perv!

You didn't do anything illegal, did you?

'Only with Dad on the force, and me at the CAB...'

HE LAUGHS It's not funny!

I know I told you not to creep around her, but did you have to take it so far the other way?

I might have blown my chances, but it's you will struggle getting paid.

Oh no, I'm not. I'm not the one who screwed up here, you did.

I'll tell you exactly what you're going to do about it, shall I?

I'm truly sorry about everything that happened today.

But I did do all of the work and you did promise to pay.

Well, it's really my own fault,

because I failed to add to your instructions,

"Please don't try and seduce my son,

"or use my home as a knocking shop(!)"

I'm sorry. I didn't know that he...

Wait here. I'll get my cheque book.

My portfolio? SHE LAUGHS

I know I said, "Be pushy" - but you are having a laugh!

-I thought you'd been sent to bed.

-I thought I was going to get you into bed with me.

Yeah, you know you want me.

I made a mistake today. I was unprofessional and I behaved badly.

But I didn't have all the information. I was hoodwinked.

That's one word for it!

I screwed up a fantastic opportunity.

That might mean nothing to you, but I've learnt from it.

Now get lost before I call Mummy.

Tah-dah!

I'm afraid that it's black on...ooh! Account that we only had

that goaty stuff that smells like feet.

HE SIGHS

Hey!

What's wrong?

Nothing.

It must be something.

Please don't be nice - it's worse if you're nice.

I want to be nice.

Don't cry, Daniel...

You can sort this out.

I'm fine.

I'm absolutely fine.

HE SOBS

Don't cry, Daniel.

I can't take any more.

Don't be sad.

(Cherry).

Don't be sad.

"Cultural diversity".

I'll go, but I can't justify it, not with my in-tray.

Now, tell me. Is there going to be role play?

I have been told I'm very good at it.

"I'm pregnant, Mr Wilson".

"This is a surprise, Jenny".

"For me, too. A happy one, though".

Watch out!

-Elaine, I'm so sorry!

-It's OK.

The donkey posse's in the house!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd