Ticks and Twitches Doctors

Please don't take me seriously. They think I'm mad.

Even in prison he still gets to me.

What did you do to her?

What did you do to my wife?

You have to stop this!

I can't do that, Elaine.

SHE SHRIEKS

CAMERA CLICKS

If you whistle before he shouts, it'll stop.

KETTLE HISSES

If you whistle before he shouts, it'll stop.

Boil.

Boil.

Oi! Annie! I'm gasping!

Any danger of that tea?

KETTLE HISSES SHE PANTS

Morning.

What? Alex!

I don't want to disturb...

Are you OK?

Err... Yes, yes, I'm fine.

Fundamentally, what I'm saying is that there

has to be a belief in the skill and industry.

-The dignity of labour?

-Another sausage Kingsley?

The Arts and Crafts Movement was born in the Midlands.

-You'd never know. Mum, can I have another sausage?

-All gone.

Birmingham School of Art,

Wightwick Manor, Manders, Morris -

it's all here.

This place was very inspirational in its time.

See, it's all about people.

What people make, what people do, what people become.

So what's the difference between art and crafts?

There's no reason why an artist shouldn't put a high price on his work.

Oh, like that Hirst bloke with the dead things?

Ouch! I mean the people have got more money than sense!

Undoubtedly some of my clients will have a lot of money

but my work will be available to all.

I'll take a leaf out of the Arts and Crafts movement.

The stuff that you put in that fridge at your exhibition.

-What was all that about?

-Sorry, Rob, am I in your seat?

Are you saying that that's part of the Arts and Crafts movement?

Well yes, rejecting the mass produced in favour of

supporting the creative independence of skilled workers.

You lot! You take a working week to make an egg cup?

Rob!

Your customers will have to be extremely rich

-and extremely stupid.

-Dad!

-Oh, come on, it's all a load of BS.

-BS?

Bespoke greetings by Barry Biglow -

handmade cards beyond the pocket of the working man.

Can I come in or what?

-No cake?

-YOU made me promise not to.

I know...I just told myself...

You should've told ME!

If you bought cake, it could've made a difference.

I can get cake.

Don't bother - it'll be another foul birthday.

What's new? Come in.

I made this for you.

Handcrafted that is.

It's lovely.

-You got the kettle on? Damien up?

-Tea or coffee?

Tea - but can I just run to your...? I'm bursting.

Every time, Barry, every time.

Not for a sit down.

Good because Damien's still got to buy that wing nut.

I told you I could fix the toilet seat.

Just don't leave it up.

-Why are you following me?

-No, I'm not, I just happened...

I wanted to say sorry.

-So you are following me then?

-Only to apologise for yesterday.

I shouldn't have answered the phone, I was out of line.

-Yes, you were.

-Sorry.

I knew Harrison wouldn't speak to me.

It was still worth a shot.

Would it have helped?

It might've stopped me feeling so...

..lost.

-Lost?

-I used to be decisive.

I'm not this man, I'm not like this.

All I can think about is the need to know what...

You understand?

Look, my car's...

I wish there was something I could tell you, Alex.

But there's nothing.

My wife's gone.

Disappeared.

Harrison Keller knows where she is, I know he does.

He's never going to talk to me.

I was her husband.

Look, maybe there is someone I could ask for you.

Maybe.

CONVERSATION OUT OF EARSHOT

You know all this muck just messes with her head.

Personal use, bro, personal use.

She making more tea?

It amazes me that a woman like Elaine is such a..

Disaster magnet?

I've got a cousin who would pick out

the one pervert in a hall full of saints.

It happens, some women are just like that.

She deserves better - she really does.

Good morning! I am late.

I apologise but I had to get my secateurs out on Parnell Road.

You carry secateurs?

Of course you do.

I only ever snippety snip

outside empty houses or on wasteland.

Or where overhanging greenery becomes dangerous to pedestrians.

Let me get you the vase.

Thank you.

Not even a bunch of flowers?

Would that've killed ya?

You know how bad her birthdays are.

Half the time it's your sodding fault.

How'd you work that out?

Last year you bogged off to Wakefield with the only front door key

-and that slag from Northfield.

-I left the back window open.

-Mrs Johnson, third year biology...

-Here we go.

You let the lab door swing in her face. You knocked Annie's tooth out.

-It was an accident.

-Listen, Damien...

Wouldn't it be nice if Annie had a happy birthday?

Just for once? Wouldn't that do her the world of good?

There's nothing wrong with her. She's fine.

Is she Damien, is she?

Look Barry, we all know this is about you getting in her knickers.

You've wanted to since 3F.

It ain't going to happen.

Annie's a nutter, right? We all know that.

Shut up.

A nutter.

She's weird, she's freaky, she's mad.

-She's not mad.

-Yeah, not mad enough to do you any road.

-You always were an oaf.

-Whatever.

And now you're a saddo, dope-head oaf who's no good to no-one.

Stop in your stinking pit.

Best place for ya.

Oh, you've got a bit of colour in your cheeks.

I went for a run earlier.

It's done you good.

Because you were looking a bit pale, bit washed out lately.

Thanks for that(!)

Oh, no! What I meant by it was...

Washed out in a good way?

-I was trying to say that you look really well.

-Thanks.

And I was thinking, maybe we could go for lunch?

-My shout?

-I'd love to but I've got a thing this afternoon.

-Oh, OK.

-But I'd love to another time?

You're on my radar!

Mr Whittaker.

Mrs Hepburn.

Maybe people have sent virtual cards? Online.

I don't look at the internet.

Maybe they have though.

Who's "they" Barry?

Might've.

I haven't seen a pair of magpies for weeks.

Just the one for sorrow.

We saw one magpie on my birthday.

We had a nice day, didn't we? Remember?

Remember that free bit of chicken at Nandos?

Last magpie I saw?

It were pecking at a dead pigeon.

Remember that time at New Street?

That taxi backed over that pigeon?

Who would've thought it'd make a noise like that, eh?

FART NOISE

NOT THAT ONE!

Don't use that spoon with that mug!

Sorry Anno, which one?

It has to be the Jesus one.

It's not really Jesus, it's called an apostle spoon.

You have to use it in that mug.

Fancy getting the abdabs over a teaspoon.

You should've brought a cake.

You've got to stop smoking that stuff.

That skunk's making you give into the weirdies.

I'm not smoking.

Then why are you getting more messed up?

You should've brought cake.

Right then, missus, you're on - garden centre.

-I'm doing this now.

-What?

Kingsley is about to start work on his new project.

Which is inspired by family life - OUR family life.

The working title is "Reflections".

So I thought...windows.

You'd rather do the windows than go to the garden centre?

Kingsley is considering the merits of a photomontage.

Photo... Oh, don't make him sound even worse than he already is.

-Oh, Dad!

-He's just a pornographer.

You are never going to understand us creatives, are you?

Whoa!

Rugby in your youth, Sergeant H?

A monster in the scrum I bet.

I'm off for compost.

Sorry about my dad.

No, don't be. He's...

..he's earthy

Are you sure you do not want a cup of tea?

I thought,

"Who would I usually go and talk to about something like this?"

And you thought of me?

No, I thought of Julia but, well, she's gone now.

So then I thought, "I know, who's stepped into Julia Parsons' shoes."

-Not me.

-Yes, you.

I can talk to you, can't I, Mrs Tembe?

Ask you questions about stuff?

Yes, of course.

Tell me what is really happening with your friend.

You'd like Annie.

She knits handbags.

But she talks to ivy.

Who is Ivy?

Ivy what grows up the back of their house.

Thing is, she's never been "normal".

She links things, says they're "foretelling".

Particularly about her birthday.

You should see her collection of money.

She saves?

She picks it up off the street.

Thinks it's lucky.

You are worried about her?

It's her birthday.

She's worse than ever.

Cheese and pickle?

Bung it here then.

I could come back to bed if you like.

You're all right.

Birthday cuddlings would be nice.

Maybe later.

You making more tea?

Perhaps she should go and see Doctor Carter?

Don't even go there!

She wouldn't come.

These eccentricities, are they not little alarm bells?

Your flowers are brill.

Alarm bells should not be ignored.

You been snipping down Reservoir Road?

She wouldn't come.

She likes doctors even less than she likes fuss.

What fuss?

A little birthday party?

You go and buy a cake and a present,

bring Annie here.

And if she happens to brush past a doctor, then...

Almost by accident.

A helium balloon, a packet of savoury nibbles...

And Bob's your uncle, we've got a plan!

She might like that sort of a fuss.

Perhaps you can ask her boyfriend to come?

Him?

Forget him.

Even if she does not want to see Doctor Carter,

at least Annie will see that she deserves a nice birthday.

You can give her that.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Hi Rob, It's Elaine Cassidy.

Oh, hi, you all right?

Sorry, I haven't disturbed you at work, have I?

No, no, I've got a day off.

Or what Karen calls a day off.

Mind you, not long before I'll be knee deep in herbaceous borders.

-What can I do for you?

-The thing is...

-It's about Harrison...

-Oh, really?

I'm fed up with having to deal with Harrison at the moment.

Right. The thing is, there's a man - Alex Redmond.

His wife had an affair with Harrison.

She's disappeared, the police aren't interested.

I'm sure they're looking into it.

Harrison could have killed her.

Elaine, DCI Driver will be across every possibility.

If you find out anything, will you tell me so I can tell Alex?

I'll do my best but...

It's not me who needs to know, it's Alex.

He's in limbo - Harrison could get away with it.

Nobody's helping him.

I mean, if you talked to him, you'd see - he's so lost.

-Elaine?

-What?

I'm more concerned about you, are you all right?

Me? I'm fine.

Could you look into it Rob?

I'll see what I can do, I'll do my best.

I can't.

Why not? You're all dressed up, you look lovely.

It's in case Damien wants to take me out.

Pft, when was the last time Damien took you anywhere?

Don't be spiteful, Barry.

Sorry.

What you done now Biglow?

Nothing! I just said I might want

to take Annie out for a bit of a birthday surprise.

And I said I thought you might want to do something.

Nah, you're all right.

Knock yourselves out.

I've got a question for you, Mr Apollo.

Why this family in particular?

Who better?

We're not special.

You so are, you're real survivors.

What did we survive, Kingsley?

What do you mean exactly?

Well, you're tough, like a persisting herd.

Herd?

Yeah, you should be proud of yourselves.

Who do you think you are?

The next Marcus Harvey?

You know his work?

Do you think Charles Saatchi's going to be interested in you?

Well... I am art.

No, you're not.

You're an unprincipled, manipulative git.

Have you seen this?

They're just ideas and swatches.

A starting point.

Do you know what this man did?

Karen! You know you can trust me to be sensitive.

-He put me in hospital.

-I know and you survived!

What's the matter with you?

Bringing pictures of that piece of filth into my house?

This is great, I want a visceral reaction...

What, to line your own pockets? I don't think so.

-Get them out of here, I don't want to see him. Did you know about this?

-No.

Come on guys - an artist takes the pain and using it,

takes the pain away.

It is upsetting, but it is valid.

I mean, I did a piece of work after all that Lewis stuff, didn't I?

Which you then torched.

I'm going to find Jack, you deal with this.

Finally.

Ta-da!

Happy birthday.

Annie, I am Mrs Tembe.

Please, make a wish.

For me?

I believe that a birthday is a new beginning

we are offered once a year.

The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly...

That'll be a proverb.

Mrs Tembe is from Botswana, originally.

It is a quote.

Live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.

Who said that then?

-BOTH:

-Lucille Ball!

Before you say anything, it ain't a proper present.

She can't be having with presents.

And as it is your birthday,

you can use my lucky tuppence.

I never win anything.

Definitely not on my birthday!

Oh! Check it! Check it! I think I've won.

-You have.

-Oh!

-You see? A new beginning.

-Two pounds.

-Oh!

Just waiting for Im, we're off out.

-I've been doing some more considering.

-Have you?

-Yeah and all things considered...

-Everything?

Everything, I'd be much happier if you found somewhere else to stay.

There's a place the other side of Birmingham.

-Few performance artists.

-Good.

-I'll leave on Friday.

-Tonight.

I don't think Im will be happy about that.

Take up your bed and walk.

SHE GROANS

Are you in pain?

It's nothing.

Don't let me keep you from your work, I'm fine.

I can see everything I need to see from here.

You are not fine.

I made a candle wish.

-Even so.

-Closed my eyes and everything.

If you are in so much pain, maybe you should see the doctor.

It's going to stop.

There's been cake and the wish and I even won two pounds,

so it will stop.

Tell me what's wrong.

Remember this is a day for new beginnings.

I've had my period for a really long time.

How long?

Sometimes it stops.

For five days in June it did.

June?

And Damien called for his tea after the kettle boiled

and it looked as if it would stop but then Barry didn't bring cake

-and he used the wrong teaspoon.

-What?

But today was a good day.

There was cake and I made a wish.

Tea spoons, cake, boiling kettles?

Annie, the only omen here is that you are in pain

and five yards away is an excellent doctor.

I ought to see a doctor, oughtn't I?

About what?

And you virtually had continual bleeding for the last ten months?

When did you last have a smear test?

Don't remember.

More than two years ago? More than five?

Annie, have you ever had a smear test?

Ten years ago?

When did Marilyn Manson cover "Tainted Love"?

Me and Barry didn't like it but my boyfriend really did.

Damien liked it but me and Barry still like Soft Cell.

Do you know it?

# Sometimes I feel I've got to

# Dut - dut

# Run away, I've got to

# Dut- dut... #

When you're intimate with your boyfriend, is it painful?

We're not intimate.

Okey dokey, let's get this referral underway.

It's not good is it?

We are not doctors, what do we know, eh?

-We know it's not good.

-Ready to go Baz?

Doctor Carter says they're going to write to me from the hospital

but it's urgent so if it's all right with you,

then you can chase them and call me if I leave you my number.

Of course.

I need an appointment, you see, at the hospital. It's urgent.

Best get you back to Damien then.

Hey, come on, Biglow!

Don't be spoiling my party,

I've had a really lovely birthday thanks to you.

So chin up and all that.

Would it be OK if I took the flowers home?

-They're so beautiful.

-Of course.

No calls. Ha!

I thought you two were going to the pictures tonight?

We were, but Dad said that Kingsley had to be out by tonight.

-Does he need a lift?

-We'll be fine on the bus thanks.

-You what?

-What do you mean, "we"?

Don't go all psycho-mum on me.

I don't want you and Jack upset, it's only for a couple of days.

A couple of days!

-Where're you going?

-It's an extremely nice squat.

Squat! Rob! Have a word!

He already has, it was his idea that we leave tonight.

What did you say?

I didn't say anything about Immie going anywhere.

In many ways he's been my muse, my catalyst.

Thank you Rob, for comparing me to Marcus Harvey and...

Oooh!

-It's a few days, that's all.

-Yeah, so you're not going.

Like that's going to work(!)

I'm moving out on Friday anyway, Dad.

Look, this is going to be an adventure.

And who knows?

One day I might draw on all of these influences and experiences,

and get myself a placement at Yaddo.

Yaddo's an American arts commune.

Can you just imagine?

Me in the fall - Saratoga Springs with my own studio.

I believe in you, Imogen.

Mr and Mrs Hollins, thank you very much for having me.

No? OK.

Well, it's been an agreeable peek behind the net curtains.

You know I never realised there were

so many types of air freshener one could buy.

HE CHUCKLES

Shall we go? Do say ciao to Jack for me, won't you?

Oh look, it's the queen of crazy town and her pet monkey.

Shut it, Damien.

Barry cheered me up, took me out.

-We had a little party.

-She been drinking?

We might've had a couple of sherries.

Fab florals, Barry, nick them from the crem?

My friend gave them to me.

-What friend?

-You staying for tea?

Nah, I'm going to get chips.

You should be taking it easy.

She's half tanked and she's been dossing about all day - she's fine.

She's not fine!

Annie's not well.

I saw a doctor about my thing.

What? Oh, please!

Tell me you haven't been bleating about being perpetually on?

You knew?

So?

About that and her being away with the fairies.

Keep up, Biglow, in Annie World - dirty and mad is normal.

I'm leaving you.

You what?

I'm ill, Damien.

It's not teaspoons, it's you.

Is it all right if I stay with you tonight, Barry?

Then I'll go to my sister's.

Oh my good Lord!

Are you blubbing, Biglow?

You're going nowhere.

Course you can stay at mine.

-I'll look after you.

-Just tonight.

"I'll look after you." Ker-ching!

Course you will.

I'll get some clothes.

You're not ill, you're just mad!

You did this.

So please, do us a favour - hit me first.

PHONE BUZZES

PHONE VIBRATES ELAINE PANTS

PHONE VIBRATES

PHONE BUZZES

Keys, keys...

Damn keys.

PHONE BUZZES

It's only a matter of time until the trial.

I'm going to be called, aren't I?

I'll be there.

Thanks.

Even then, I don't think I can face it.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd