Adulterers Only Doctors

Hi. How was it?

Tedious. Not waiting up, I hope?

You know how these functions drag on.

No, of course not. I was just watching a movie.

A movie? Well, it's over now.

Right.

I'm bushed. See you in the morning.

Garlic breath. Have I?

Not you, me. Too many canapes.

Good morning, Nurse Marquez. Now, how did you get on with Emma?

Emma? I don't know. I think she's at the campus today.

Emma.

I didn't read it.

Well, I'm afraid you will have to pay the fine.

Of course. Mandy can plead mitigating circumstances.

She's had a lot to contend with.

Well, we can give you an extension, I suppose.

No, no. Mandy's exempt.

Um, thanks.

That's really nice of you.

Dr Carter?

Um, yes. Every time I sit down with the book,

something or someone distracts me.

You haven't finished it yet?

How much was the fine? It was ?100, I think.

So much for our resident bookworm!

I did think, of all the members of staff,

you would most enjoy a reading challenge.

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you.

Oh, for God's sake.

Have you seen my cuff links?

Silver ones, with little hearts on them.

Little hearts? Who got you those?

You did. Didn't you?

No. Not me.

I must've bought them for myself, then. Why would you do that?

Because I'm worth it.

Ah! You've been making a lot of effort recently.

Anyone would think you were...

Anyone would think I was what?

Moonlighting at a fashion show.

Got to look the part.

I'm meeting prospective clients today.

What do you talk about with these mysterious clients?

Hush-hush, remember?

If I told you,

I'd have to kill you.

Sorry, pumpkin.

I wish I didn't have to work these long hours.

I've been neglecting you, haven't I?

I'm still getting on my feet with this job.

Things'll get better soon.

Enjoy your day off. And try and resist Loose Women.

I wouldn't be too harsh.

She's just had the wool pulled over her eyes,

probably by a jealous security officer.

Barry's welcome to her.

You don't meet someone like her that often.

If you did, you wouldn't be getting so het up.

Go talk to her, Romeo.

I thought you didn't like her.

I wasn't so sure at first, but...

I think the two of you are well-matched.

Plus, these moments can be fleeting.

Act now, or in 40 years' time we'll both be lonely old farts,

dribbling over our cornflakes.

You do that now.

Why should the ball be in my court? Let her come to me.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you the man?

Yeah. So man up.

Whenever we talk, we end up arguing.

Well, that can be sexy, can't it? See where it takes you.

Like the bedroom?

Or the altar. As if!

OK, early days.

I suppose I could always write her an e-mail, set some facts straight.

That's definitely not sexy.

Then what?

Just go to her with a nice bunch of flowers and apologise.

Not in a begrudging way but with heartfelt sincerity,

even if you have to fake it.

And then...you leave.

I leave? You leave.

Well, then what?

Then the ball's in her court.

It'll work. Trust me.

You're aware of a stinging sensation when you pee?

Yes. I've had it before. It's just cystitis, isn't it?

Well, that's certainly one possibility,

but it could be a number of things. OK.

Your symptoms are also consistent with herpes, chlamydia

and other STIs. STIs?

Do you have unprotected sex?

Um, yes, I have been, just for the past few months.

I got married in May.

And how long have you known your husband? Two years.

I haven't slept with anybody else in...a very long time.

OK. Well, look, let's treat it as a urinary infection

since you've had one before.

I'm going to give you a course of antibiotics.

But if your symptoms change or get worse, come back to me.

So...if it isn't cystitis, then it's an STI?

One that my husband must have given me?

No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you.

You really mustn't jump to conclusions.

I'm not.

I found this.

A dating agency?

For extramarital affairs.

Have you asked him about it?

If I confront him, it'll only confirm what I already know.

He's been acting strangely for weeks.

I've tried to shrug it off, all his cagey behaviour,

his late nights - work functions, supposedly.

What would you do?

Me?

Well, every marriage is different.

I certainly wouldn't make any accusations

until I knew all the facts.

So you'd hire a private detective?

No, no, no! Um...

But maybe you can do a bit of research.

Does the website offer up any clues?

I can't log in. It's for members only.

Maybe you should join.

In the outside world,

even a one-night stand can leave a trail of digital footprints.

But the affairs that we facilitate are hermetically sealed.

You'll use a pseudonym for all agency correspondence.

And because all of our clients are married,

there are never any unreasonable demands.

Everyone's looking for the same thing - a bit of fun.

Sounds perfect. Where do I sign?

You won't regret it. I'm sure.

PHONE BEEPS

'Hello?' Mia, how's it going?

Who's this?

'John, John Farley? I'm from the agency.'

Oh...right.

I wasn't expecting to hear anything so soon.

'I like to keep an eye on the newbies.'

Listen, Mia, I've just seen your photograph,

I think you look great, very impressed.

OK.

You sound a little nervous, which is completely normal, natural.

The agency's the best of its kind,

but it can take a bit of getting used to.

Actually, I do have one or two questions.

Oh, great.

Do you know the Majestic Hotel?

Um, yes.

Wonderful. Why don't we meet in the bar, say two o'clock?

Oh... Well, I'm not sure. Will it take long?

We can go as fast or as slow as you like.

'I'll see you at two, then.' OK.

Bye.

So...how was your weekend, Nurse Reid? A literary one, I hope?

Oh, you mean Northanger?

Northanger Abbey, yes. Right, um...

Well, I finished it last night.

Really? Did you enjoy it?

Yeah, sort of. I mean, she's no Dan Brown but...

I'll tell you what, though,

the bit where Catherine goes to Mrs Tilney's bedchamber,

and the general catches them, goose-pimples or what?!

She sees murder and conspiracy everywhere.

The perils of reading too many Gothic novels!

Well, let that be a lesson to you, Mrs Tembe!

Well done! Do not forget to collect your sponsorship money. OK.

It was completely lost on me, it is just a load of old balls.

Regency balls? Yeah, and some bird with an overactive imagination.

I really don't know what all the fuss is about.

On a scale of one to ten,

how satisfied are you with our service so far?

Ten is extremely satisfied. One is extremely dissatisfied.

Um...two.

Really? Let me cut to the chase.

What you need is to attract fresh meat.

Fresh meat?

I've already met most of the women on your books.

Bored middle-aged housewives.

They're not interested in sex.

All they want to do is bore me rigid

with boring stories of their boring husbands.

If I wanted an ear-bashing, I can get it from my own wife.

What I need is a younger, more life-affirming squeeze.

As it happens, we've recently launched a new marketing campaign,

designed at attracting a younger clientele.

But as you know, we insist that all our members are married,

so women in their 20s tend to be a bit thin on the ground.

Tell me about it!

That's why I've jumped in there quick with Mia Jones.

Mia Jones?

Your new girl, a nymph-like 27, or so she claims.

That name's not familiar. When did she sign up?

I dunno, a few hours ago.

Really? I'll have to check her out. Look but don't touch, she's mine!

In fact, I'm meeting her at the Majestic in a jiffy.

You'd better hope that she's a knockout.

One more battle-axe, and I'm taking my libido elsewhere.

MUSIC: "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye

Mia?

A beautiful name for a beautiful lady.

Jim, Jim Fenson.

Oh...

I thought you said your name was John.

John, Jim, you can call me what you like.

So even the staff use pseudonyms?

What's that your drinking? A cocktail?

Cranberry juice and vodka.

My kind of girl!

Can we get a pitcher of that? Yeah, sure.

Why don't we move somewhere more...conducive?

Shall we?

Kool and the Gang. So you'll bring your mates, yeah?

Especially the loaded ones.

Oh, no, not again!

No, Shannon, I'll see you tomorrow. All right, bye!

Stopcock, where's the stopcock?!

What happens at one of these get-togethers?

Is it like speed-dating, only more sleazy?

They're not orgies, if that's what you mean.

Well, not normally.

I almost forgot, the photograph.

Do you recognise this man?

Oh, actually, he looks slightly familiar.

Is he one of your clients?

A client in what way?

Has he enrolled in the agency?

Enrolled? You do work for the agency, don't you?

I tend to focus more on the female clientele.

So, as far as you know, he hasn't signed up?

Who is he?

My husband.

Now you mention it, I think he is on the books.

I've seen him at one of the socials, a brunette on either arm.

The guy's a player.

Really? Yeah.

But...you already knew that, right?

Well, yeah.

I had my suspicions.

Well...two can play at that game.

And now...

..it's your turn to have some fun.

You're going to need a bigger mop.

No need to put them in a vase.

I can't find the stopcock. We open tomorrow!

Don't sweat it.

Thanks. How's your plumbing?

Play your cards right, you might find out.

Got a wrench? Yeah.

'Pride, observed Mary,

'who piqued herself upon the solidity of her reflections,

'is a very common failing, I believe.

'By all that I have ever read,

'I am convinced that it is very common indeed,

'that human nature is particularly prone to it.'

There you go. That should hold for a while.

Thanks.

Kevin Tyler, the demon plumber of Letherbridge!

I meant that as a compliment.

Right.

There's your culprit. Barry might as well have used Blu-tack.

Oh, and he claimed to be such an expert.

Anyone would think he was trying to make extra work for himself,

pay you another visit. Oh, yeah.

So you are aware of the effect you have on men?

The wrong men, usually.

Can I get you a towel or something?

No, you're all right. I'll get changed back at the Mill.

But first I wanted to set the record straight about Lauren.

OK.

Being accused of her murder

was one of the worst things that's ever happened to me.

Friends and colleagues who should have known me better

were happy to think the worst.

It made me feel very cynical about life and people.

It's taken a long time, but I thought I'd moved on from that.

Then Barry drags it all up again.

But if you care to check your facts,

you'll see that I was fully exonerated. Right.

Now, I don't pretend to be some boy scout.

I've got my faults, like anyone.

But I think I am a good person.

Or at least I try to be.

That's it. That's all I have to say.

Goodbye.

Where am I?

I think the vodka went to your head.

I think we'll stick to champagne from here on in.

I've ordered some from room service.

No. You shouldn't have brought me here.

Don't worry, I'm a gentleman.

I couldn't leave you swimming in your cocktail, could I?

Your husband's been a very naughty boy.

And that gives you carte blanche.

Get away from me!

Ugh!

(Pull yourself together.)

Hop on board, baby.

Look, just because my husband is a cheating...

I'm not about to demean myself with some sordid...

..sordidness.

And even if I was in the market for a one-night stand,

it wouldn't be with you.

You're an obnoxious, overgrown schoolboy,

and the only reason I'm still enduring your deeply tedious company

is because... SHE HICCUPS

..I needed the bathroom.

So that'll be a no, then?

Yes. I mean no!

I mean, yes, it's a no.

Nothing a phone call won't fix.

So...you didn't know your husband was a pimp?

A pimp? You mean a philanderer!

So I massaged the truth a bit.

So shoot me.

What? Your hubby isn't one of the agency's clients.

He works for them.

What?!

My husband works for an event-management firm,

Symington Solutions. Right, the holding company.

He's a client-liaison manager, and not a very good one.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Room service.

Oh...you.

Warren! This isn't what it...looks like.

Gloria!

Heston! Hello.

I left a message on your mobile.

Really? Was it something important?

Yes, it was.

Um...

Ever since we met, I've been very flattered by your attention,

but troubled by it too. Troubled?

Yes, my last relationship was very complicated.

I promised myself that I'd never be that vulnerable again,

so I put up defences, found reasons to avoid, um...

Reasons to remain alone.

And unhappy? Yes.

So when we spoke earlier, I should've said,

"Yes, I would love to go on a date with you,

"or a drink or two, whenever suits."

Are you asking me now? Yes, I'm asking you now!

I don't know, Heston.

It is a problem, isn't it?

Is it?

Well, you can't become romantically involved with a patient.

Oh, that's not a problem. You just fire me!

OK?

Why him?

If you're going to cheat on me, at least have a bit more taste.

I know this doesn't look good, but you should be the one to apologise.

Me? What have I done?

You told me you worked in event management.

Well, I do - in a way.

It's just that the events are... extramarital affairs.

It's repulsive, repugnant.

I'm married to a pimp. And I'm married to a...

Where are you going?

To the doctors' - you've given me an STI.

What?!

The people here are so nice.

I'm not nervous about the opening any more, just excited.

It's not going to be your bog-standard shop opening,

more of a celebration.

A celebration of life and healthy skin!

Hello.

That floor's a bit moist. Give it a wipe.

Oh, yeah, I, um...

Heston has got the afternoon off work, and he's brought bubbly!

Fetch the ice bucket, will you? And three glasses.

Right.

Hello? How can I help?

What is it? What's he given you?

What you've given me, you mean.

Me? I'm clean as a whistle.

Look, I don't think this is the place.

Jim Fenson's slept with most of Letherbridge's desperate housewives.

I never imagined that you were one of them.

I'm not!

I only signed up to the agency to find out if you were a member.

I found this in the drawer.

And you assumed I was having an affair

and...thought you'd get back at me?

Well, no, not exactly.

Look, I think I may have inadvertently advised your wife

to do some detective work.

If you'd asked me about it, I'd have told you the truth.

Oh, like you have done for the past three months?

If you were more broad-minded, then I wouldn't have lied.

So disapproving of adultery is narrow-minded?

Clearly, we don't share the same values.

Goodbye, Warren.

It has been the most enriching enterprise in every sense.

And just think, Mrs Tembe, no-one would be any the wiser

if we frittered away the money on a girls' weekend.

Have you ever been to Monaco?

Quite aside from the money we have raised for charity...

..I think it has had an educating effect

on our less, well, cultured colleagues.

It has opened up a whole new world for Dr Haskey.

What, has he started wearing a bonnet?

They have not said as much, but I think Persuasion

has struck a chord with Dr Reid and Mr Bellamy.

A book shared is such a wonderful intimacy.

And I understand that Dr Granger thoroughly enjoyed Lady Susan.

I think he just skimmed it for the saucy bits.

I expect he was hoping for Fifty Shades Of Grey, only shorter.

Well, not everyone can share our appreciation.

But when I look back on the Austen exhibition,

it will be a cherished memory.

It's been emotional.

Mm-hmm.

Perhaps next time we should tackle Dickens,

what with Dr Carter being such a devoted fan.

Next time? Let's not get carried away.

Whatever it is, she can't have picked it up from me.

You can't know that for sure.

I've been completely faithful.

Did you have unprotected sex prior to meeting your wife?

Well...yeah.

Then if you do have an STI, you could have caught it years ago.

Oh.

When I met Megan,

I'd just got divorced from my first wife.

She had an affair.

It was messy.

I already had one shot at happily ever after.

Then Megan gave me a second chance.

She clearly had faith in you.

She did, yes.

But now she knows the truth.

Adultery, that's what pays our mortgage.

Megan's right.

It's...despicable.

Some marriages stick to the rules.

Others bend them a little.

Don't you think marriage needs rules?

Otherwise, what's the point?

If open marriages tended to work, my employers would be out of business.

Maybe.

But monogamy without openness, honesty...

Well, I've seen marriages flounder that way, too.

Fidelity isn't everything.

Not when there isn't any trust.

Megan?

It's over.

We're over.

There are no more secrets.

Couldn't you tolerate living with a pimp,

at least until something better comes along?

A better job or a better woman?

There is no better woman.

I shouldn't have lied to you, Megan.

I knew you'd think the job was... seedy and unacceptable.

I thought the same myself,

but...I was clutching at straws, and we needed the money.

You're my princess.

I wanted you to think that I was better than that.

I did think that - until today.

I haven't stopped looking for another job.

Will you please give me another chance?

I should have just asked you about the leaflet.

Promise me one thing.

That whatever problems or dilemmas you have,

you'll always share them with me. I will.

MUSIC: "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye

Cheers!

Cheers!

Kevin!

I don't know what I was thinking.

Well, I was a bit of a prat, wasn't I?

It's not really a 999 call, though, is it?

She's taken her breaking knife.

When you helped Sigourney with the leak at the salon.... Yeah.

She didn't mention her mum was into plumbing, did she?

What? Nothing.

What have you done? What do you mean?

I want it back!

You made us look stupid, you behaved like a child.

Me? You were fraternising with the enemy!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd