Control Doctors

Thought you'd be at your mum's by now?

'Keep still, will you!'

Abby refused to go to school. Said she had stomach ache.

Chancing her arm, more like.

You promised you'd have a word with her. Did I?

Sophie, I won't tell you again, get in the car!

They're doing my head in. Are you even listening?

Col?

You've got me on speaker, haven't you?

I'm at work, Lise.

It's obviously more important than your family.

Lise, I've got to finish all this before the doctor's.

I'll see you there in half an hour, OK?

Don't you get sidetracked again and forget.

Hey, I thought I heard you in the shower this morning.

How'd it go last night?

What happened? Trust me, you do not want to know.

Awwww! Tell Auntie Jas.

All right, OK? It was all going great. Until...

the ultimate passion killer put a kibosh on things.

She was wearing Bridget Jones knickers?

No, it wasn't Sigourney, it was these strange...half animal

half court jester sounds, coming from the other room.

What? Heston and Gloria getting it on.

Ewwww! Oh!

Any other job and they'd come down on you like a tonne of bricks

if you kept people waiting like this.

Not doctors. They think they're above the rest of us!

Maybe they've had an emergency? We're an emergency!

Are we? If this doesn't get sorted today...

It will! Promise me? Yeah.

I'm coming in with you. I just said, didn't I?

Today, Col!

I'll go through with it this time. Honestly!

I'm still coming in.

Mr Colin McLeod. The doctor will... OK.

HESTON HUMS

Someone's perky.

I wouldn't say that.

There's something different, a little glow perhaps?

Was there something you wanted? I want to talk about the polyclinic.

Oh, well, Howard's your man, but he's on special duty this afternoon.

Last night, Gary Lucas openly invited Zara and I to jump ship.

He can't do that! Why not?

Poaching staff. It's unethical! Maybe.

But he offered a very attractive package.

You going to take him up on it?

No, absolutely not, but others might.

This is a really serious threat to our business. Howard was right.

Yes. Another thing.

I got the impression that Howard and Lucas have some kind of history.

He never mentioned it.

Did you actually say no to Lucas? No, I didn't.

Keep talking to him, find out what we're up against.

You really can tell me anything. There's no need to be embarrassed.

It's my shoulder. It's been giving me gyp.

Right. So, tell me more.

It's nothing, really.

I lug a lot of stuff around for work,

bound to get the odd ache and pain.

So, your shoulder's not the problem?

What are you doing? Got this mole on my back. Can you have a look? Yes.

Right. Does it itch or bleed?

No. Has it recently changed size, shape or colour?

No, but you hear about skin cancer all the time.

There's no indication that it's malignant.

If you're worried, get your wife to take a picture of it.

See if it changes or gets any bigger over the next three months.

Will do.

Then I'll make you a referral to the hospital. Great.

How did it go? All sorted.

Well done, love! I knew you could do it.

I'll make you something special for your tea. My favourite? Yeah.

As long as the kids aren't playing up.

My great big bear. Is that what she calls it?

That's it!

Calm down, they're leaving now.

Honestly, I feel ill!

You should be happy for him.

Yeah? Just imagine hearing your parents going at it next door!

There's a lot to be said for growing up in a single-parent household.

So, last night was a PR exercise, really.

I was the only one who was asking pertinent questions.

Is that right?

Gary Lucas is in it for the wrong reasons,

certainly not the patients.

Another one? You're kidding me!

At this rate, I'm going to be here gone midnight!

Closing smaller practices means patients having to travel further

to their GPs. Putting vulnerable patients at risk!

Do any of those e-mails need following up?

Not really. Keep looking!

YOU can thank me later.

Maybe lunch at the Icon, bottle of wine...

Thank you for what?

I'm going to Mandy's for a girly night out, so tonight is your night.

I've even swung an open invitation, so I can stay at her place

whenever I need to. Thank you!

Come on, what you waiting for? Give her a call.

So, I'm thinking at least a Prosecco, something over a fiver.

Yeah, right.

Hi, it's me. I was just wondering if you're free?

Tonight?

OK, why don't you come over? Romantic meal for two?

Am I cooking? Absolutely. I'm a dab hand at the old bouillabaisse.

All right, then. I'll see you then. Bye!

What?

That pasta bake?

That was a new recipe! I was experimenting!

What about the Moroccan chicken salad the week before?

Yeah, all right, my cooking could do with some improvement.

So, what do you suggest?

Give her a call, come clean.

No, I can't do that. I'll think of something.

Your funeral.

I blame the mojitos!

I was perfectly well-behaved before we started on them.

I honestly haven't had that much fun in ages!

So you said.

And you, Dr Carter, are a dark horse.

I'm a pretty good judge of people, but I had you down as a shy one.

Appearances can be deceptive.

Can't they just! I mean, last night, wow-eee!

Are all medical people that...inventive?

You'd have to ask them. Well, duty calls.

Parting is such sweet sorrow Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

I'm sorry about the short notice. Is Joe OK?

He has a slight temperature. I'm sure his child minder's overreacting,

but I do have to go and collect him. Anything I should know about?

Hangovers, morning after pills and hypochondriacs.

The usual, then?

Where were you when I called, by the way?

There was a dreadful caterwauling in the background.

I was getting some nice food in for tonight. Some toddler let rip.

So you're cooking for this girl now? Must be serious.

If you're going to give me a hard...

Actually, I couldn't be happier for you.

Really? All this playing the field.

You were in danger of becoming shallow.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Yeah? Am I disturbing you?

Have you read this stuff on the polyclinic?

Ah! So Gary Lucas has got even you rattled?

It's privatisation by the back door.

What gets my goat is that the CCG have given it their full backing.

What does Lucas know that we don't?

He can be very persuasive.

I've just had him on the phone inviting me to dinner.

e wants to discuss "opportunities".

What did you say? Not much. I was surprised he'd be so brazen.

You didn't refuse? Well, no...

OK, arrange to meet him. Let him think you're interested.

I've said the same to Daniel. Daniel's been approached?!

If Lucas thinks he can get some of our staff,

it may delay him finding other people.

Right. Better make that call, then.

Blood pressure's normal. That's a relief.

You had an appointment earlier on today?

Is there something on your mind?

It's the wife. She unwell?

She found out. You're having relationship problems?

That I bottled it before, with Dr Carmichael.

I was supposed to get a referral. For what?

Lisa wants us to have a vasectomy.

Oh! OK! How do you feel about that?

We can barely cope with the kids we have.

What with the cost of nappies, the mess, sleepless nights...

No more, Lisa says. Well, that's understandable.

Have you thought about other forms of contraception?

Condoms - unreliable. She doesn't want to be on the pill for years.

Hates the coil because it gave her greasy hair.

What about contraceptive implants?

Don't get her started on that one.

Relying on something the size of a matchstick? Madness!

OK, a vasectomy could be the way to go.

Have you looked into what it entails?

She has. I couldn't face it.

It's fairly straightforward, takes about 30 minutes

and can be done under local anaesthetic.

What about the stuff they don't tell you?

There's a risk of infection with any operation.

And you may feel some discomfort and swelling afterwards.

Very occasionally, some men have pain in their testicles

for several months, but...

Are you OK?

Just dandy(!)

It doesn't seem you're that keen on the idea.

Have you tried to explain to her?

Like a million times.

It's a very personal decision.

You're telling me.

I read a while back that men that are pressured into having

a vasectomy are more likely to have problems.

Problems?

With their relationship. Now, if you were to tell her that...

I'm going to call her now, tell her it's a bad idea for the both of us.

Good luck!

You know those two lads reported as acting suspiciously?

False alarm.

Well, could have been something.

I was doing some thinking whilst I was out.

You know the problem with people like Gary Lucas?

Not really, but I'm sure you're going to tell me.

They think they're modernisers, but they only care about the young.

The type of people who rarely visit their GP.

Right... Polyclinics don't work for the elderly,

or the long-term sick. They need a continuity of care.

Would your granny want a different GP every visit?

There's been a load of cars that have been keyed

and vandalised on Nielsen Street. Do you know it?

It's just round the corner from the Icon. That's the one.

If you can go and get some statements from any victims

and talk to the bar staff, see if they saw anything. Will do.

Off you go.

You!

You told my Colin not to have a vasectomy!

Well, not exactly...

Got kids, have you?

Then you've no right sticking your nose in.

As a GP, I was just offering advice...

Don't patronise me.

I wasn't.

You're not the one run ragged.

Or him.

Out at work from seven in the morning, until who knows when.

It's me who has to keep everything going, so there's no way on Earth

I'm getting pregnant again. Do you hear me?

Loud and clear. Unfortunately, we close in five minutes.

Maybe you should some back later?

You're not fobbing us off that easy.

Five minutes is enough to make the referral, right?

Yes and no. Colin?

Another couple of days won't hurt, will it, love?

Give me time to get my head around it.

You're talking about a very sensitive area...

You think giving birth to three kids was easy?!

No, but what if something goes wrong?

Tell him he's being stupid, that won't happen.

It is extremely unlikely you'll have any complications.

Better than 18 years of another child we can't afford.

It's not just the physical side.

I've been thinking about the future.

What if something happened to you and the kids?

How do you mean?

If you all...you know.

What are you saying?

I might want to start a new family.

You'd forget about us?!

No, not exactly...

Is that all we mean to you?!

Love!

Don't touch me!

Nicely put(!)

I'm off to Mandy's. I'm sure Kevin won't be long.

I'll be fine.

Well, make yourself at home. If there's any mess, it's his.

Of course. Have a good night.

I'm sure he's cooking something nice for you.

PHONE RINGS

LISA CRIES

Lise...

You know I hate it when you're upset.

Go away!

It came out all wrong.

I only meant if you had a horrible accident or something.

The thing is, they're going to start locking up the building soon.

He's probably got someone else lined up already!

I haven't, Lise.

How can I trust anything that comes out of your mouth?

Our whole relationship's a lie.

Don't say that, honey, please!

Can I have a word with the manager, please?

Yes, just in here, sir.

Not you as well?!

Howard, wait...

He's not getting away with this!

I can explain...

Special Constable Bellamy.

Hello.

I didn't think even you would stoop this low.

Am I in trouble, officer?

Don't play the innocent.

I know you're trying to steal my staff.

Isn't it up to Emma where she works?

And if the offer's more attractive...

What, from a creep like you? Howard, listen to me.

Do you know what I don't like about you...?

I have no intention of taking the job.

So, why are you here?

To spy for Heston.

I credited you with more professionalism.

You keep Emma out of this.

I don't appreciate people wasting my time.

Especially when it's out of some misguided sense of loyalty.

At least she knows the meaning of the word.

You know when you were at the PCT,

people used to call you Captain Mainwaring.

You're a laughing stock, a dinosaur.

Don't listen to him.

You've no place in the new NHS.

I expect part of you knows this,

which is why you're parading round as a toy copper.

I take this work very seriously.

I'm sure you do.

But you can't buy respect with a uniform, Howard.

It's the oldest cliche in the book.

Argh!

I'm really sorry about all this.

Should I start dinner?

No! It's all in hand.

The ready meals, you mean?

You found them?

It's quite sweet you were trying to impress me, actually.

And you bought a new shirt.

You were in my bedroom?!

There was nothing else to do, so I had a look around. Yeah?

Why don't you have a look and see what's on telly, yeah?

I'll be as quick as I can.

Nothing's worked.

I even offered to re-paint the spare room.

She needs to feel wanted. Sweet talk her, you know.

I'm terrible at that stuff.

How did you two meet? That must have been romantic.

Our first date at La Taverna, remember, Lise?

You thought the chilli garnish was your starter.

Never drank so much water in my life!

Like a total idiot.

Still, before you left, I told you you were beautiful.

Yeah, you did.

And Tenerife, what a holiday.

That view of the beach from the hotel, I'll never forget it.

We did spend three days stuck in there after that dodgy paella!

Good times, though, eh?

I suppose.

(Keep going, keep going.)

We can do it again, Lise.

You mean the world to us!

So prove it.

Anything you say.

You know what I want, Col.

All right, I'll do it.

I'll have the vasectomy.

Thank you!

Oh, Col, thank you!

How could you be so stupid?

Letting someone like that get to you?!

If anyone saw, you could be reported.

Have you thought about that?

Have you thought about what it would do to your job in the police,

never mind your position at the Mill?

Are you listening to me?

He hasn't won yet.

No? No.

You look terrible.

Are you all right?

I've got to get back to the station.

Crack open a bottle, I'm on my way.

Do you want the onion rings an' all?

That would be smashing.

Ready?

Thanks, Doctor Tyler...for making him see sense.

Yeah.

No... You're kidding me! What?

I think we're locked in the building!

What are we going to do? How are we going to get out?

I'll call security, the number's upstairs.

Tonight's jinxed, totally jinxed!

Thank you. Thanks.

You should have let me pay, as an apology.

I have to go. Please, sit down.

At least let me check it's not broken.

Still in one piece.

Howard must be getting rusty.

I'll get us both a drink.

So you can talk me out of pressing charges?

Are you going to?

Damn right.

You must see that Howard isn't himself.

I'm just amazed, even after that embarrassing display,

your first thoughts are for him.

Howard lashed out because he's scared.

It's no excuse. I've no choice.

If you make this public, it won't help your cause.

A public brawl with your main competition will just look petty.

You know how quickly public opinion can change.

He tried to belittle me at a public meeting last night.

His behaviour was totally inappropriate.

Let me talk to him. I can rein him in.

Like you did just now?

All right, I admit he's still Howard,

still as stubborn as they come.

But he knows when he's gone too far.

IF I let this go, you guarantee me he'll be no more trouble?

I'll keep ol' Mainwaring at bay.

Funny, I seem to remember that you were the only one who never

called him that. Was I?

He's lucky to have you.

PHONE RINGS

Howard Bellamy.

Sergeant...

It took longer than I thought.

OK, I'm on my way.

We're pretty desperate, so, if you get this message,

will you contact Campus Security straightaway?

How many's that you've called?

Mrs Tembe, Howard, Heston, Jas...

I just don't understand why no-one's picking up.

Mum's doing her nut.

Kids still up, then?

Shall we get back to where we were?

Decision-making, wasn't it? Yeah.

So, who makes the majority, do you reckon?

Me, I suppose.

I like an easy life!

I don't see the problem here.

The vasectomy's something we both want.

Well, you can see why Colin might feel pressured?

You can be a bit pushy, Lise.

I'm from a big family,

you fight your own corner. PHONE RINGS

Barry!

How soon can you send someone over here?

Authorisation? To do what?

If I was going to steal something, I would have done it by now.

Who do you need to talk to?

I've already phoned him and he's not answering his phone.

Well, I guess we'll just have to sit here and wait, then, won't we?

This Barry doesn't like you much.

You could say that.

I'm starving.

Me too. Dying for a cuppa an' all.

Can we stop talking about food, please?

OK...

Colin, will you tell me why you're worried about having the operation?

Lisa, will you promise to hear him out?

It's hard to explain...

Feels like I wouldn't be a proper man.

You'd still be able to have kids, but I wouldn't.

Like something's missing.

Do you get me?

Kind of...

I guess Colin's worried because of the way he sees himself.

You've heard of low self-esteem?

Well, yeah, but what's that got to do with this?

I promise, soon as I can, I'll get you some more bodies.

What took you?

And what's this?

If I'd known you were going to the supermarket,

I'd have given you a bloody list.

I managed to get most of the statements,

but the Icon's manager was too busy to talk.

Doesn't matter, anyway, I need to send someone else down there.

Why's that? Cos I forgot to mention that the CCTV needs checking.

It might bring something up.

Anyway, I need you in custody.

There's been a big fight at the Anchor.

Got a party wagon coming in any minute.

I'll see you in there.

I keep pressing buttons, but nothing's happening.

I don't believe that for a minute.

Yeah? Well, until you get here, the DVD's all I've got!

You sure you've got the right remote?

I think so.

There's nothing on TV,

so I thought I'd check out what you've got stored.

You can tell a lot about a boy from his hard drive.

It's broken.

It's totally kaput.

Do you know how much longer you are going to be?

Honestly?

OK, bye.

I think we've made some good progress.

You both agree not to rush into anything for now?

Until we've got this sorted, we'd better not...do the business.

What?

Safest thing. Do you understand, love?

Is this how it's going to be?

You blackmailing me into every decision? Col?

I know you don't want another baby, and that's fine,

but I need more time. All right, keep your hair on!

I'm serious, Lise.

Maybe I'll have the operation, maybe I won't...

but it's got to be when I'm good and ready. Right...

OK.

DOOR OPENS DOWNSTAIRS

Oh, finally!

PHONE RINGS

That your lady friend?

Yeah... She's gone home.

Sorry to hear that, mate.

COUGHING AND VOMITING

You all right in there, Howard?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I don't think you are, mate.

Do you want to talk about this?

I mean, I'm no expert, but bingeing on chocolate,

then making yourself sick...

It's nothing, all right.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Lots of people get it.

Do they?

Yeah.

I think you should talk to someone,

get some professional help or something.

Full men's Brazilian.

Whoa! Whoa! Back up!

Isn't that when...everything's...?

No!

Please, I don't understand...

Is everything OK?

Leave me alone.

Ah! Get off! You have to listen to me! Get away from her!

Bit of booze isn't going to kill her, is it?

Not unless she's taken something else with it.

Ask him.

Because, whatever it is,

I think he needs some help.

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