For Whom the Bell Tolls Doctors

TICKING

It's ticking.

Ticking? What is? Your package.

Haven't upset someone recently, have you? Do bombs still tick?

Oh, don't be ridiculous. It's not a...

Knife.

MOBILE RINGS Argh!

Sorry, sorry! OK, that's me, that's me.

I've got to get this.

Oh!

I'm going in.

What is it?

Heston?

We have a problem.

So, I've compiled a list of all the state schools we're eligible for.

You mean Joe's eligible for?

Yes, of course. The trouble is, there's so much information,

I'll not find time to go through it all. Maybe you could? What?

Go through it.

I've got a full patient list and house calls on top.

I'm picking up Joe from the childminder this afternoon.

We're going to the park and we've already wasted so much time.

Zara, he's two. You'll be worried about universities next.

To get to university, he'll have to go to a decent school.

Oh! When he ends up working in a call centre, we'll know who to blame.

Don't say that. Hermione, listen, calm down.

It won't be that bad. You're just panicking.

OK? Yeah, OK. But... But...

Hermione, stop!

I'll come round, OK?

Yep, lunchtime. I'll be there, just stay put.

It's very handsome. Who sent it?

"Dear Heston, Thank you for everything,

"Kind regards, Fiona Michaels."

Sadly, I don't accept gifts. Well, not from patients.

Really? Oh, that's a shame.

Anyway, whatever you do with it, it can't stay here.

Well, I... I can't be responsible for it.

Besides, it'll drive me mad. I can't abide a ticking clock. Never could.

Dr Carmichael, your surgery has officially started. Yeah.

Yeah, five minutes.

Three minutes? What is the problem?

You wouldn't... The school hunt.

Ofsted reports, league tables... I don't even know where to start.

It is all a waste of time, in my opinion.

Mrs Miggins, from my church, she was only saying

last week, in her experience,

the league tables do not reflect the level of teaching, at all.

You may as well pick the nearest school to you.

That is really not helping.

Three minutes.

Can I help you?

I'd like an appointment, for my son.

He has a rash. I am so sorry, we have no slots available today.

But it has to be today. I can't take time off tomorrow.

Kirsty, long time, no see! It's so lovely to see you!

Zara! It's been too long. I've been meaning to get in touch for ages.

You have? Yes, how about a catch-up this afternoon?

A coffee somewhere, on me. I can't. I'm trying to get an appointment

for my son this afternoon. He has a rash. I could take a look,

over coffee. (No need for an appointment.)

Really? Yes. How about 1pm, Cafe Vera?

It's got a play area.

Joe loves it. OK, if you're sure?

Of course. It'll be nice to catch up on all your news.

Right, then. See you later,

at one.

Your three minutes are up, Doctor Carmichael.

But why, Heston?

'I don't understand.'

Well, the Shipman case spoilt it for everyone, I'm afraid.

It just looks bad. 'Nonsense.'

Never cared what anyone thought. I'm not going to start now.

Especially not now.

Yes, I saw your consultant's letter. I'm sorry it wasn't better news.

Then, accept my gift.

You've been good to me. I want you to have it.

Yes, but, Fiona...

Better you than some stranger at the inevitable dreary house clearance.

'What do you say?'

CLOCK CHIMES

Oh!

SHE CHUCKLES

Charming old thing,

isn't it? Indeed.

Very persuasive.

I think I've cracked it.

Our schooling problems.

A coffee with Kirsty Bowness.

Oh! Who's Kirsty Bowness?

From my old antenatal class.

I thought you disliked everyone in that group, intensely.

I do, but she doesn't know that.

Anyway, if anyone knows what's what about all local schools, she will.

She's the type.

She won't mind having her brains picked by you? She won't know.

That silly mothers' group are always hounding me

with their stupid e-mails. They are dying to have me in their gang.

Hmm. So, you're going to use your charm and ample guile, are you?

Yeah, I shall twist them around my little finger. You watch.

I've been drinking gallons of cranberry juice.

And the burning sensation hasn't eased?

No. So now I'd like a prescription for antibiotics.

I'd like to do a urine sample. It could be something else.

What else could it be? Just bear with me for a couple of minutes.

CLOCK CHIMES

If you're looking for sample pots, they are back in the store cupboard,

where they belong. We're having a new year's tidy up.

Excuse me, Miss Figgis? Miss Figgis?

This clock belongs to me. See here, "Brompton Sons"

bought for two guineas by my grandfather, in 1926,

Passed to my father, then, rightly, to me.

That was given to me by a patient.

Just because she married him hours before he died does not mean she can

hand out his belongings, like sweets!

Miss Figgis... You ask her.

You ask her whose it is. She won't deny it. She can't!

Yeah, that one looks nice. A primary school teacher looks "nice".

That shop is cool and funky. She's going to think I look like

a fuddy-duddy. No, she won't. You're not.

Just be yourself. No! If I'm myself, I definitely won't get the job.

What if I say something really un-PC?

What if I tell her she's overweight? Is she overweight?

I don't think so.

Listen, I think you're getting WAY too wound up about this.

Why don't you think of it like...a play or something?

Have you got a pen and paper?

But why did you allow her to take it, Heston?

Other than rugby tackling her,

I don't know what else I could have done.

A karate chop might've done the trick.

Oh, where is it, where is it?

It might help if you didn't have so much in your bag.

I never know when I'm going to be carried off to finally kark it, do I?

I need to keep the important stuff close. You dropped this.

Oh. That's the letter Harry wrote me, before he died.

Asked me to marry him.

SHE SIGHS

Let me help.

Only half. It makes me drowsy.

Are you sure that's enough to manage the pain?

I need to stay awake, where we're going. We?

Where are WE going? Well, where do you think?

To get your clock back.

I assume you're not going to allow a dying woman to walk?

So, that looks like a bit of eczema.

I'll prescribe you some hydrocortisone cream. Thank you.

It's so easy to get over-worried about these things, isn't it?

Carry on, boys. Now, you can play with anything you want.

I'll sort the kids out. You get the lattes in, then you can tell me

why you REALLY wanted to meet for coffee. What do you mean?

OK, I really just wanted to pick your brains about primary schools.

You mean, you haven't got Joe on a list yet?

Not yet, no. For heaven's sake, Zara, what HAVE you been doing?

DOORBELL CHIMES

Now, please, let's handle this gently.

She doesn't know the meaning of the word.

Fiona.

Natalie. Hello, Miss Figgis. May we have a word?

Stuff having a word.

Where's my clock?!

Still single, I see.

Do you mind?

So, where's the doctor's clock?

It's Daddy's clock. Was.

He left it to me. I gave it to Heston. You've stolen it.

Reclaimed it.

You never cared a jot for that clock, until now.

Not true. And it would've been left to me,

if Daddy and I had still been talking.

But you weren't, were you? You were sulking. Never wanted to share him.

Not true, again. You swooped in when he was vulnerable.

I really don't want the clock, if it's going to cause

this much bad feeling. Oh, yes, you do!

It's a present from your grateful patient and friend.

And you accepted it.

Now, I didn't come here to rehash old arguments, Natalie.

I came to take it. So, where is it? You won't find it. Just watch me.

This is a list of all the local schools that Joe's eligible for.

This is from 2012. The catchment boundaries have changed.

They built a large housing estate here. Really?

So you can cross off that school and that school from your list.

But those are the two best. There's still time to move house.

That's not really an option. What about Linway Hill? Doubt it.

Sheila McKay couldn't get Evie in there and she's closer than you.

Marsfield? No!

Both Katlyn Marsh and Joanne Kenrick have triplets.

IVF. Linda Cummins couldn't get her Isla

on their list, so I know, for a fact, they're full.

So, what about the nearest school, Pineborough? Seriously?

What's wrong with it?

It's been Special Measures for six years. Has dire SATs. It's rough.

It's in a poor area. It must be improving.

The Ofsted grading is good. Anyway, league tables aren't everything.

Well, you might not mind Joe rubbing shoulders with kids

who are smoking by eight, but I would.

No, Albie...

Darling, put that back.

'You're not even'

warm. Maybe I should leave you two to it. I really must be going.

Stay where you are, Heston. It's your clock.

MY clock.

Why is it so important to you?!

You've got your inheritance, what more do you want?

It's not about money.

It's about family, about loyalty to Daddy. And you had none.

Relationships are complicated things.

I wouldn't expect a buttoned-up little spinster

like you to understand. It's better than being a flaky old soak!

Please! Name-calling will get us nowhere.

Quite right. Enough of this.

I'm going to report a theft

and you're going to be arrested. Ladies, ladies!

Why don't I phone a lawyer friend

and whoever he says it legally belongs to,

it belongs to. Good idea?

Can't take my eye off him for a second. He's just so inquisitive.

Now, what were we talking about? Oh, yes,

there is another option, you know, but, well,

perhaps it isn't for you. Why wouldn't it?

Entry is strict. They're quite particular these days.

Would require some effort, on your part.

I don't mind effort. What school is it?

Heathdean. It's C of E.

Ah, no. Yes, religion's not really our thing. We're more atheist.

Yes, but it wouldn't take much to join a church, get baptised.

Who would know?

If you think I'm exposing myself or my son

to some happy-clapping God squad...

Perhaps you're right. Pineborough may not be so bad.

Perhaps it's worth taking a gamble.

After all, it's only your son's primary education.

I've always had an eye for fashion

and I believe in bringing items together

to create a unique and electric style...

It's "eclectic", not "electric".

I believe in bringing items together to create a unique and eclectic...

eclectic style.

OK. Good.

And remember to be natural, and smile.

OK, next - what previous experience do you have?

What if they don't ask these questions?

They're bound to ask you something similar,

just stick to the lines, you're on a winner.

So if you could phone me back ASAP that would be much appreciated.

Thanks, William.

He's going to call me back.

Well, I suppose I'll put the kettle on.

Don't be tight, I want some digestives.

I appreciate you being here, Heston.

I realise it's awkward for you.

Well, step relationships are difficult at the best of times.

Oh, she's not my stepdaughter. I'm her mother.

But she said you married her father just before he died.

Second time around.

First time we were together for 11 years.

Oh, you remarried?

Over the hospital bed.

It turns out I was the love of his life after all.

So that's what Natalie meant.

Oh, she was furious with us.

She wouldn't speak to him for some time.

Well, she and I never got on, so no change there.

Not even when she was growing up?

She was already at boarding school when we got divorced,

and she spent holidays with Harry.

She always preferred her father.

I'm afraid, Dr Carter, my mother's version of events differs from mine.

That's not how it was at all.

Well, thank you for the advice.

It seems like you really have done your homework.

Not really. Picked up a lot from our monthly group meetings.

Ah, yes, about that, perhaps I should come and join the next one.

It seems like it's a font of information.

I don't think so.

I don't think it's very you.

No? Why not?

You're not really...

our type.

Well, then, why do you keep sending me

endless e-mails about tedious coffee mornings and pizza nights?

Am I really?

Hmm, must remember to delete your address from the round-robin e-mail.

As I remember, everyone disliked you intensely.

Really? Well, I...

To be honest, Zara, we know what you think of us,

and we don't think much of you, either.

I only came for the check-up.

Well, I only came for the information. I know.

Honestly, imagine leaving your child's education to the last minute.

Good luck with that, by the way.

You're certainly going to need it.

The whole summer holidays of 1979 I only saw her twice.

She preferred her work.

She was on a French exchange for four weeks.

Two weeks. Four weeks.

I picked you up from Dover, remember?

And you didn't say a word to me all the way home.

Top up. Shall I be mother?

Well, somebody has to be.

It was certainly never you.

Oh, change the record!

It was the '70s, there were no creches, no maternity leave.

I was the only female professor in the whole university.

Just admit it, you resented motherhood and you resented me.

No, you resented me.

And your father certainly did -

once I got the professorship everything changed.

Nonsense, my father always supported women's lib.

Not when it came to his own wife earning more than he did.

Not back then. He wanted me to resign.

Well, I refused, of course.

Well, I don't believe you. No?

Then why did he apologise years later?

His stupid ego ruined our marriage, and he knew it.

Is that true? Did he really say that?

Yes.

And he turned you against me.

Well, he didn't mean to.

But that's what has happened.

When break-ups happen it's...

SHE GASPS

Argh! What's wrong?

Ah! Indigestion! Oh!

Get my bag, I need my bag! Get it, will you, Heston?

Are you taking tablets for it? Yes, yes.

Do you want some water? Yes, yes.

I'll get you some water. Oh! Hurry, damn it!

SHE MOANS

No half measures this time, I insist.

Now, why don't I take you home and stop this silly wrangle?

Is that pity, Heston?

I hope it's not pity.

I don't want your pity, or hers.

And hide that, I don't want her seeing it.

She should be told. No!

We'll lie if we have to. You're not to tell her.

Got it?

I'm sorry if she missed out on a few cuddles.

Didn't we all?

No-one's perfect.

I'm not going to apologise for who I am.

News like this can put the past in perspective. You said so yourself.

She should know. Know what?

What should I know?

About the letter that your father wrote to her mother before he died.

You should read it.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, William, yes, thank you for phoning back. Right.

What would you bring to my business, Hermione?

Well, I'd bring charm, knowledge, enthusiasm...

SHE GASPS

No! No! No!

I-I spilled my...

Sorry. Hi.

William, I know it's difficult to decide

without actually seeing the will, but...

Can you hang on a second?

What's really going on with her?

It isn't indigestion, is it?

It's really not for me to say.

That's why she gave you the clock.

It is serious, isn't it?

She's dying.

And she wasn't going to tell me.

What could I bring to your shop?

Well, a packed lunch and an umbrella, perhaps?

No, seriously, I could bring my personality,

erm, my electric style, perhaps, maybe.

I could advise people on what to wear.

Not in a horrible way, more Gok Wan than Trinny and Susannah.

I could be, what's it called?

Er... A personal shopper.

I could do that for you.

I mean, not for you personally, you've already got your own style,

but I could offer that service, free of charge.

Or if you wanted to charge, you know, you could.

Er... Did I say I really like your hair?

Er... Did I say I really like your hair?

You kept it all these years.

It wasn't always bad between us.

I read Dad's letter. I didn't realise all that went on.

I don't really remember.

I know you don't.

Why did it go so wrong? Was it because of me?

No!

We just didn't know how to fix it.

I was never any good at the emotional stuff, I was only good at my job.

That's why I clung to it, I realise that now.

Now that you're dying.

Say it like it is, why don't you?!

Good news. There is a compromise.

You told her! What?

About the tumour, the cancer! She guessed.

Why didn't you want me to know. Did you think I wouldn't care?

I didn't want you to feel obliged to care.

You don't have to like me just because I'm nearly dead.

Look, I know, but I do care and I want to like you,

and since when have I ever done anything that I didn't want to do?

SHE CHUCKLES

About the clock - Fiona can legally give it to me

and I in turn can give it to Natalie if I so choose.

Heston, it's OK. If Natalie wants the clock, it's hers.

No, Dr Carter, please, have it.

Why don't you go and get it? I'll go.

It's on the landing in the dresser.

Righty ho.

And no scrapping while I'm gone.

There's stuff back there that could grow legs and walk out.

No word yet?

No, not yet.

I hope she's OK.

You're really keen on this girl, aren't you?

Yeah, I suppose I am. So you think it's the real deal?

Maybe. What do you mean, maybe?!

You must know!

Yeah, we're good together. Not like you and Rob, but...

Oh, what did you say that for?!

Because, you and Rob always seemed so together.

What's that mean?

Well, you had your spats, but it was like you were meant to be,

you know, solid, like soul mates.

Rob's my soul mate? I don't know.

Put it this way, if me and Hermione can find half of the love

that you and Bob have...

DID have...

..then I know I'm on to a good thing.

Please, stop fussing! Let me, I like to fuss.

I know you do.

How long have they told you you've got? Long enough.

So no blubbing, I hate blubbing.

I know you do.

SHE CHUCKLES

I don't want to upset you ladies,

but I really must...

CRASH

CLATTER OF CLOCK PARTS

BOTH: You idiot.

Hey, how did it go?

Didn't stick to the lines, went totally off-track

and babbled on about anything I could think of.

You didn't call her fat, did you?

No, but I unfortunately had to be myself after all.

Ah.

And I still got the job!

She thinks I'm kooky.

She loved my idea of a personal shopper service.

Apparently, I'm just the sort of person she's looking for.

See? I told you being you wasn't such a bad thing. You're a genius!

I knew you could be clumsy, Heston, but really!

I am so sorry. I promise, it'll be as good as new.

It had better be. Otherwise I'll be charging you for it.

And it's worth a bit. It's a valued family heirloom, you know.

DISCORDANT CLOCK CHIMES

You drive. I'm too angry.

Didn't you meet your friend...? Friend?!

Seems she hates me. It seems they all do.

Didn't she recommend...? Apparently I'm a bad mother

because I have already ruined my son's education.

The cheek of her! I will show them!

I will show them effort

and I will get Joe into the best school there is.

I'm just really pleased that you managed

to wrap her round your little finger. Darling.

Just drive, will you?

He walked out on Destiny when she was just a baby.

He's her father.

No. No!

I am.

These won't cure toothache.

Dentists are money-grubbing crooks.

I suppose clever Dick's got all the answers, eh?

He knows how it feels to give up a child.

Lorraine told me that the school is oversubscribed.

What does that mean, anyway?

It means that they can pick and choose.