Tree Hug Doctors

DOORBELL RINGS

Morning!

Oh, funny - we were just talking about you.

Oh, that's nice. Is there any post for me?

No, but there wouldn't be, because you don't live here any more.

I know, but not everyone knows my new address.

Nothing? Not even junk mail?

-Ah, Mrs Merriam!

-Hello, dear!

I was just about to have a cup of tea, do you want one?

Oh, I shouldn't really, but...go on.

-Come through.

-It's all right. I know the way!

What do you think you're doing?

-What was I meant to do? Slam the door in her face?

-Sounds like a plan.

-Colin!

I'm fed up with her coming round.

When we bought this place, they didn't tell us we had a sitting tenant.

Rob.

Yes, love?

Am I awake or asleep?

I'm pretty sure you're awake.

Oh, great!

-It's not that bad.

-It is! It's all pursed lips and rigatoni.

-Rigoletto.

-Rigor mortis. I've still got a headache.

Yeah, well, the pest control people say that we can't go home till tomorrow.

Oh! I'd rather live with fleas.

I'm surprised to see you're redecorating.

I would have thought you'd wait a while.

Oh, no, we...we really couldn't wait any longer.

-So what are you having done?

-Well, we're going to get rid of the carpets,

just have bare boards, and then all the walls are going to be magnolia.

Oh! I suppose it's your house.

And at least it'll look the same when I walk past.

We are going to change the garden.

-We're getting rid of that big tree out the back.

-No!

It's been there for a hundred years and it hasn't done any damage!

Look. Let me put this in words of one syllable -

-this is not your house!

-Colin!

I...I...I know, but it's a very special tree.

Yes, but it's old, diseased, and outlived its usefulness.

Mrs Tembe! I see you eat yours round side up.

-I did not know that was unusual.

-Well, in Gulliver's Travels, there was a war between the Lilliputians

and their neighbours over the correct way to eat a boiled egg.

Well, let us hope it does not come to that!

Everything all right?

Yeah. Just hope I'm eating my cornflakes properly.

I wouldn't want to put 'em down the wrong orifice.

Mrs Hollins, do you not want to sit down?

No, I prefer to eat standing up, thanks.

It is very distracting having you

wandering around in my peripheral vision.

Right then, love. I'm just off for a meeting with the hate crime unit.

Can I give you a lift?

Yes, please. I could probably give 'em some tips.

Oh! Morning, Dr Khella.

-Dr Haskey!

-We must stop meeting like this, people will talk.

Are you still playing that cliche game?

Oh! Let, me er...

-Hang on!

-Are you wearing aftershave?

Er, guilty as charged. It was the girlfriend's idea.

I don't believe it. You'll be moisturising next.

That will NEVER happen.

Morning, Mrs Tembe.

M'hm.

-Tembenator.

-Mrs Tembe, please, Dr Haskey!

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs Merriam, we are not open yet.

I just wondered - can I make an appointment with Dr Tyler?

Oh. I'm afraid he is not in today.

-Oh.

-Well, I'm taking the morning clinic so, well,

since you're the first one here...

Oh, that is kind.

So...how can I help you?

Well, I don't know really.

I come here once a month to see Dr Tyler,

and we have a cup of tea,

and he checks to see that my heart's still beating.

Oh, well, I'd better take your pulse, then.

He's such a sweet man, Dr Tyler. Skin and bones, though.

I suppose he's too busy to eat properly.

It is beating a little fast,

but that's probably because you've been rushing around a bit.

Oh.

Is everything else all right?

No. No, it's not all right.

What's the matter?

That...awful man who bought my house.

Oh, I'm bushed. I am completely cream-crackered.

Oh! Yeah.

Is there any chance of a cup of tea, love?

In a minute.

Ooh!

You know, I've just seen an ad for the most amazing television.

It's 55-inch, surround sound and it comes on when you click your fingers. Eh?

Well, where would we put it?

Don't know. We could put it in the back bedroom.

Turn that into a cinema.

Well we might need that room for any...sudden arrivals.

No.

We've got a futon in the attic if anyone drops in and besides,

you don't want to make people too comfortable, they might never leave.

Yeah, home cinema! Reclining seats, blackout curtain. Ooh!

OK!

Hey! That my sandwich?

Honestly, there were times last night when I wanted to fake my own death.

I mean, who do they think they are? It's not even Heston's house,

and he's lording it about with Mrs Tembe,

with their big smug faces - me and Rob are like oiks from the slums.

Perhaps you would like to say that to my big smug face?

These people bought your house?

That's right, yes.

But you still go back there once a week?

Well, I like to look in on my old neighbours,

and check if there's post for me and see if the new people need anything.

But these new people, they...

they need to feel that the house is theirs,

even if you don't like the changes that they're making.

But...I have had such wonderful memories in that house.

Although at the end it was only me and Edward rattling about in it.

I thought you said your husband's name was Charles.

Oh, it was. Edward was my cat.

A big ball of fur and mischief.

It's coming up to the first anniversary of his death,

and I miss him more than words can say.

I know, believe me I do.

But with any bereavement, we have to try and find something positive.

Instead of grieving, why don't you do something wonderful for Edward?

I do not know which was worse - your moronic soap opera or

Sergeant Hollins' interminable football match.

Some people call that entertainment.

Some people need a medical professional.

Aw, come on. It's your last night together.

With any luck.

-God willing.

-Why not make it fun?

Because Mrs Hollins' idea of fun is certainly different to mine.

No. You both...love... you both love cooking.

Why don't you have a cookery competition?

What?

It's not a bad idea, I suppose.

I do it with my mates. We all chip in a tenner.

Everyone makes a dish, give each other marks out of ten.

Whoever wins, wins the 40 quid jackpot.

Yes, well.

I could see why Mrs Hollins would want to enter such a competition.

After all I did win her in the SupaChef competition only last year.

Remind me - was that the SupaChef where you got

slaughtered by my husband?

Oh, don't start kicking off again.

I am not afraid of a challenge.

Although if you are cooking, the only challenge will be how are we going to eat it!

I hope you're hungry.

Because tonight, you're going to eat your words, lady.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello. It's only me.

Yes, I can see that.

That tree that you're going to cut down?

-Yes?

-I was wondering.

Would it be all right if I took a photo of it?

Just for old times' sake?

I'm sorry, we were just... about to pop out, actually.

-And I think it's going to rain.

-Oh, that's all right. I could take it from upstairs.

Ah, Mrs Merriam, nice to see you!

Look, it's not convenient for you to keep coming round like this!

-Any chance of a cup of tea?

-No!

Look, this is not a cafe! This is our house.

-Colin!

-Two sugars, please.

This woman...this woman is haunting us!

I think it's nice the place still means so much to her.

Then why did she sell it?

Mrs Merriam?

Yes.

Mrs Merriam, what are you doing?

What does it look like? I'm staging an occupation.

Please. Dr K!

You eating salad?

Just a bit of greenery.

Is that your girlfriend's doing as well?

-Maybe.

-You've got it bad.

I'm surprised she's not leaving you little love notes in your lunchbox.

If we ever get to that stage, you can shoot me.

What's she like?

Jackie? Dentist. Six foot two, eyes of blue.

Actually they're green, but that doesn't rhyme.

Are you going out tonight?

Yeah, we're going to go bowling. Not the classiest of dates, but...

Well, you're not really a classy date kind of guy.

What do you mean?

Well, you're more sort of real ale, darts and pizza.

A date with me can be full of surprises.

Well, I'm never going to find out now - Jackie's a lucky girl.

Oh, this is very funny. Very funny indeed.

Come on, how do you open this thing?

-Ow!

-You're hurting her!

Look, I'm not the one who chained her to a radiator! What do you possibly hope to achieve by this?

I shall stay here until you sign this paper.

"Contract of agreement.

"I, Colin Rinsler, owner of blah-blah-blah,

"do solemnly swear, not to chop down the tree at Number 16..."

Look all right, I'll save it for you.

Really?

When I've chopped down the tree, I'll save you ALL the firewood.

Fine. I think... I see...

I shall have to stay here for some time.

Look! Just give me the key.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, dear.

Oh, Dr Carter, I have never seen one as big as that before.

Well, for me, nothing says summer so much as a beach,

trousers rolled up, looking for crabs.

Well, I am making a new dessert, inspired by Mount Kilimanjaro.

A meringue base with marrons glaces,

and I'm also going to use icing sugar to represent the snow.

I look forward to getting my grappling hooks into it.

And what are you doing, Karen?

Chocolate roulade.

Ah.

Yes, yes... Well, er...sometimes these old-fashioned comfort foods

can be surprisingly palatable.

Evening, all.

Ah, you've been marinading your meat.

Yeah, kebabs. I just need to get some fire under them.

There's a barbecue outside.

Have you seen the sky out there?

-Well, there's an umbrella in the hall.

-You're kidding me?

No, no, no. I am sure there is no need for Sergeant Hollins to go outside.

If Mrs Hollins would move her measuring jug and her mixing bowl

and all of the utensils she has scattered all over the work surface.

Rob. Outside is good. Too many cooks.

Right. OK. Er...thanks.

Good idea.

Let's see if I can break the legs on this little chappie.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Jack. How are you doing?

No, not another one! What colour is it this time?

Well, thank you very much for your time, anyway.

Thank you.

-Terrific.

-What is it?

-Because she's of advanced years, blah-de-blah-de-blah,

they'll only use force as a last resort. We're going to have to use her as a hat stand.

DOORBELL RINGS

HE GROANS

-Yes?

-Mr and Mrs Rinsler?

-That's right.

-I'm Dr Emma Reid. I'm also a police surgeon.

I've been told you've got a vulnerable older woman chained to a radiator?

She's about as vulnerable as a tonne of bricks. If this house fell down, she'd be the last one standing.

Ah, Dr Reid! How nice to see you.

Mrs Merriam. What a small world.

Yes, isn't it?

Look. That's the tree that I'm trying to save.

Well, shouldn't you be chained to the tree?

Huh! I'm not going to catch pneumonia.

It is rather spectacular.

And you know - it was your words that inspired me to do this.

-Really?

-Do something wonderful for Edward.

Well, I didn't quite imagine this.

When my husband was alive, I would never have dared to do this.

"Don't make a scene, Jean." But now...

Now that I'm...on my own...I'm determined to grow old disgracefully.

# There is beauty in the bellow of the blast

# There is grandeur in the growling of the gale

# There is... #

Oh, it is so good to sing when you are cooking, uh?

Singing? Right. Where was I?

Flaming Aida!

Is there a problem, Mrs Hollins?

It's fine! I'm well on my way to my first Michelin star here.

Does anyone know if Julia's got a fire extinguisher?

So is she coming down, or is it time to get the chainsaw?

Mrs Merriam is...well, determined to stay there all day,

-and all night if necessary.

-Fine.

Well, at least we'll never need to buy a burglar alarm.

-But there might be one simple solution.

-What?

You could decide to save the tree.

Why should I?! This is my house! If I want to take a sledgehammer to it,

there's nothing she can do except stand there and watch me.

Oh! I managed to put the fire out. Can I not just warm these kebabs under the grill?

Yes, of course. We've finished our duties. We're off to listen to The Archers with a glass of prosecco.

You are more than welcome to join us.

We're doomed.

Mrs Merriam.

I realise I've been a little un-neighbourly and er...

I may have lost my cool somewhat.

I was just thinking if maybe we could have a cup of tea,

some cake, maybe we can resolve our differences.

Young man. You can't buy me with Victoria sponge.

He IS trying to meet you halfway.

Please. You've been here all day. You must be starving.

OK, I'll have a small piece.

What I'll do is I'll just...

place that there.

And then when you break free, you can have some.

Well, Dr Carter, that was excellent.

You truly have a way with crabs.

Do you think so? Not a little bland?

At least you didn't burn 'em.

Now, is it not time for your dessert, Mrs Hollins?

Right, I'll erm...

Now that was mean.

Do you think I care?

If she wants to be a martyr, she can stay there all day.

Most people have a skeleton in the closet. I'll have one chained to the radiator.

Colin?

There you go.

Erm... Well...well...

Does it have a name, or does it prefer to remain anonymous?

Well, it was meant to be chocolate roulade. But Jack phoned.

He's had a...had another tattoo, and...and it's gone septic.

So then I tried to roll the roulade, but it crumbled,

so I thought, you know - never mind, I'll make a chocolate trifle.

And then Immie rang. And she was meant to be coming home this weekend

but she'd rather go to Italy instead.

And then I couldn't even make a chocolate trifle,

so I thought I'd bung it in a bowl and call it chocolate mess.

I don't believe you!

We moved here for a new life, to get away from stress.

But you create stress wherever you go.

I'm so sorry.

Sammy! Sammy!

I hope I haven't caused too much trouble.

I think it's a bit late to be worrying about that now.

I must have a word.

Well, you can't find the key.

Ah! That was a conjuring trick. A bit of magic.

Come on, let me help.

Am I a member of the royal family?

No!

Am I one of our Olympic heroes?

No!

Am I someone who has devoted their life to doing good for others?

-No!

-Look, I'm going to give you a clue.

Oh!

-Charlie Chaplin?

-No, you daft bat! You're Hitler!

What?

All the people in the world and you choose to make me a mass murderer?

I dunno, I think you've got a lot in common.

You both love the British Empire, you're both non-smokers.

Though I don't think even Hitler married a homosexual!

Er...excuse me, please.

-Coffee, everyone?

-Yeah.

Baby, please. I just don't like people walking all over us.

She's 82 years old with arthritis. She can hardly walk anyway!

I'm sorry.

Oh! Managed to do a Houdini, did we?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to start an argument between you.

-I really am very fond of you.

-Feeling's not mutual.

Will you give it a rest?!

Please, don't fight. I just wanted to save the tree.

60 years ago, I moved to this house with my husband,

and HE wanted to chop the tree down.

But I said, "No, one day, we'll hang a swing on it for our children, and...

"and then when we're old and grey, we'll sit beneath it in its shade."

But we never had children.

But we did have very happy memories here,

and I want you to have the same.

Er, Dr Carter, how many do you usually use?

Oh, that's enough. We don't want Karen bouncing off the ceiling.

It is not her fault. She is missing her home,

and it must be very hard being so far away from your children.

-Yes, but she shouldn't have said that.

-Her words do not hurt me.

What hurts is how badly things ended between myself and Gordon.

It was all my fault.

Well, there are always two sides to these things.

No, I could have handled it better. But life, well, it...

it is not easy.

So we must all try harder tomorrow.

Are you all right, dear?

Everything she was talking about - having a family,

growing old together - it's what I want. But sometimes, I don't know if it's what YOU want.

Of course it's what I want. Look...

if I was a little firm with her,

that's because this place is precious and...

Well, I didn't want someone coming in here and telling us what to do.

Like you do to me?

We had our disappointments too,

but we did have 60 years together.

Well, I'm very competitive.

And if that's what we've got to beat, then...

And if it makes you happy and it's what you want... I'll spare that tree.

You really know how to ruin an evening.

What is it with you?

If everyone's having fun, you have to wade in there and spoil it.

Which bit of it was fun?

The bit...the bit where Heston made you go in the garden,

or the bit where you set fire to the hedge,

or the bit where I made a chocolate roulade that looked like sick?

It's not about that. It's about making the best of things.

Make do and mend, as Auntie Ag would say.

-Old bag.

-Karen!

I got different things on my mind.

Yeah. So Immie's not going to come home all summer?

She's got a project to finish. And she wants to see Italy.

Oh, really. Yeah.

Well, I bet the bit she wants to see is six foot two,

with greased black hair, riding a Vespa.

It's not fair. I feel like I'm losing her.

It was always going to be this way.

We'll go down there and see her. We'll do some sightseeing.

I suppose.

-And Jack's going to come down in July.

-Yeah.

We should be making the best of things

because before you know it, we'll be looking after grandkids.

We have coffee, and we have biscotti d'Amaretti.

Easy for you to say.

Mrs Tembe, I'm...

I'm ever so sorry I opened my big fat gob.

Did you? I was not listening.

Always the best policy.

Oi!

You know, all things considered,

it's not been such a bad night, has it?

We should do it again sometime.

-Why not?

-Yeah.

Absolutely.

So, er... Sergeant Hollis?

Oh, thank you.

So what are you going to do with yourself now?

Well, now that I've learned to make a nuisance of myself,

I shall be chaining myself to railings every day.

Well, good luck!

But I won't go back there again. They've got their life.

I have to find mine.

You...lost your husband too, didn't you?

Yes.

I thought so. I read about it.

You never lose the pain, really,

but you learn to enjoy things again.

-Right.

-I suppose we both have to find a role for ourselves, don't we?

Yes. Come on, let me drive you home.

Thanks for looking after me.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Hi, Sophie, how are you?

What kind of favour?

Dogs - why?

# I want you

# You had your fun You don't get well no more

# I want you, your fingernails go dragging down the wall

# Be careful, darling You might fall... #

I just bumped into a patient in a park.

-Oscar, stop! Oscar!

-No, no, no!

Recently diagnosed with schizophrenia but refused treatment.

Go away! Go away!

I think we need to get him to hospital.

Well, go on, take him, then. Take him to your specialist.

I'm just his mother! Why would he need me?

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