Antenatal Doctors

CAR LOCK CLICKS

Morning.

You look fit to pop.

Packed your bags?

-Hmm?

-For the birth?

-We're staying at home.

-Is that wise?

What if there are complications? Not unlikely. Especially given your age.

Morning! Hi! You're all here for the antenatal class?

Right. You are?

I'm Mandy. I'm shadowing Belinda today.

HANDLE RATTLES

Is she not in yet?

SHE GROANS

No, no. I can't possibly.

I've already re-arranged Mrs Docherty's appointment twice.

A few months ago you'd have moved mountains to spend time with Joe.

Now, why can't you move Mrs Docherty?

Because she's private.

Ironing out her wrinkles will keep Joe in Baby Ralph for a while.

I told you about this days ago. "I've got it covered," you said.

-Yeah, well, I don't remember that.

-Selective amnesia. How convenient.

Your afternoon's not that heavy. Why don't you reschedule?

Three house calls and drop-in cover. I don't think so.

-Why not flip a coin for it?

-ZARA SIGHS

OK, er, well, your nanny must know other child-minders.

Maybe she could suggest someone.

-If she could have, she would've done.

-Why would she?

You speak to her as if she hasn't got two brain cells to rub together.

-She hasn't.

-If you were nicer to people,

they might go out of their way to help you.

A little bit of charm goes a long way.

People can see through charm, Daniel, even yours.

Don't knock it, sweetheart. It's what got you in the sack.

Action speaks louder than charm.

You're still all mouth and no trousers.

Zara, you know how you're always complaining at home,

that no-one likes you at work.

Why don't you make more a bit more effort?

ZARA SCOFFS

How's your afternoon looking?

But I'm not qualified to teach an antenatal class.

Well, yeah, that's here.

Yeah, right. I'll have a go. But I might need to phone a friend.

Right, get well soon.

Hiya, everyone!

I'll start with the bad news - Belinda's feeling a bit under

the weather so she's not going to be here today.

But she did ask me to tell you that there'll be an additional

class at the end of the course, free-of-charge!

Was that the good news?

Well, partly. The other bit of good news is

I'm going to have a bash at being Belinda,

seeing as you're all here.

I'm Mandy. Mandy Marquez.

I'm a practice nurse from The Mill Health Centre...

A nurse, not a midwife?

No, I was supposed to be shadowing Belinda today.

So you're not remotely qualified to teach this class?

Well, I've got several years of nursing experience

so I know one end of a baby from another.

And we deal with a lot of post-natal issues at The Mill.

Sleeping patterns, feeding concerns, skin complaints.

Right...so you're all in the third trimester?

Apart from the guys, of course!

It would be good to put some names to faces.

If you could introduce yourselves

and maybe say a few words about your experience of the pregnancy so far?

Let's start with you.

Philip. Philip Mallard.

All right. Nice to meet you, Phil.

-Philip.

-Philip.

And I assume that this lovely lady is your partner?

No, no. Crikey, no. No, my wife's a good deal younger.

She couldn't make it.

Philip's wife has yet to grace us with her presence.

Oh, OK. Is she still at work?

No. She's just at home, resting.

We're beginning to wonder if she actually exists.

It won't work.

The cost-effectiveness of the machine

relies on the number of referrals.

I refuse to snog Prince Edward. Avoid, avoid!

That just leaves you with Marilyn Manson. You make a great couple.

-SHE SWOONS

-He completes me.

Actually, Wayne Rooney seems strangely attractive now.

After the initial enthusiasm, it'll soon wear off.

Now your three. Katie Price...

We're talking about a huge sum of money, and for what?

-..Lady Gaga and Ann Widdecombe.

-A machine that goes ping!

We have a perfectly good one at St Phil's.

Go on, then!

Oh right, um... Say them again.

If you have an epidural then you'll need a drip

and more heart monitoring of the baby.

What's the optimum time for the epidural to be administered?

How far into labour?

It depends. Sometimes the pushing stage arrives

before the epidural's had a chance to work.

Other times, it runs out and can slow the birth down.

You shouldn't expect an epidural at the drop of a hat.

You need to wait until the anaesthetist is available.

So the whole thing's a crap-shoot?

And the unborn child is at the mercy of the woefully under-funded NHS?

You're assuming that an epidural is necessary.

Many women prefer not to use pain killers.

Yeah, that's right.

And if the pain does get too much, gas and air can be really useful.

Even so, you're painting a very worrying picture.

Absent anaesthetists, over-stretched midwives,

pain killers administered too early or too late.

-And that's before you've even touched upon the bigger issues.

-Bigger issues?

Yes, like emergency caesareans, episiotomy, meconium complications,

cord around the baby's neck, forceps birth, premature birth...

Stillbirth.

Things can go wrong, but usually they don't.

Not with the right help.

Every complication is serious because it leads you one step closer

to an even bigger complication, one that could easily be fatal.

And sugar-coating the facts won't help.

If people aren't aware of the risks involved,

then there's an even greater chance they'll end up with a dead baby.

SHE SIGHS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in!

Morning. Quick word?

All the doctors have referred some patients to me.

-Excellent.

-With one exception - Dr Carter.

Well, no surprise there then.

He's always been opposed to this investment.

And now he's trying to prove it was a mistake.

Maybe he's forgotten to refer his suitable patients.

No, he hasn't forgotten. I've just heard him bending Daniel's ear,

moaning about the eye-watering expense.

Well, he's always been a bit of a stick-in-the-mud.

-Right. And he needs to get with the programme.

-Agreed.

-Good. So you'll have a word?

-No. The echo machine's your baby.

Why don't you give Heston an induction? De-mystify the hardware.

No, no. This needs your authority.

Oh, so you haven't got any authority?

Not much. Not with Heston.

This is exactly what you need, a chance to hone your people skills.

He won't listen.

The gentle art of persuasion. Nothing you can't handle.

It might be comfy, but where's the support?

You're not supporting its neck!

Nurse Marquez? Might I have a quiet word?

Yeah, of course.

I'm sure it hasn't escaped your notice, but Philip is making

everyone feel very uncomfortable, even the guys.

Yeah. He is a bit...tense.

Nerves are one thing. It's an anxious time for everyone.

But his morbid comments and the relentless pessimism,

it's very upsetting. We're already down three couples.

Belinda had to take him aside a couple of weeks ago,

-but now he's even worse.

-Really?

I'm sure the class would be a lot happier

and much more productive, sans Philip. Don't you agree?

I know what you mean, but Philip must've paid for the course.

He's got as much right to be here as anyone else.

But has he though?

There's no evidence that he has a wife, let alone a pregnant one.

He could've walked in off the street -

some random, child-abducting lunatic.

How do you abduct a baby that hasn't been born yet?

Let's not split hairs. Philip is very strange.

Who knows what he's capable of?

Isn't it your responsibility to get rid of him?

You can't give a new-born a Heimlich manoeuvre!

You're going to kill it! Come on, please!

Goodness sake!

Mind how you go, Mr Bracken, and we'll re-assess you in a few weeks.

If you have any other problems, do not hesitate...

-Oh, Heston? I was thinking...

-Oh, dear.

Now that we've been lumbered with all this

new-fangled technology...

Oh, you're becoming a real technology bore, do you know that?

How would you feel if I kept harping on about opera all the time?

-You do harp on about opera all the time!

-Exactly.

You'd still be scared of your smartphone if it wasn't for me!

PHONE BEEPS

Fig roll?

No. Thanks.

A friend of mine at St Phil's was telling me

they've set up an antenatal course especially for expectant dads.

-Really?

-And it's free.

-Hm.

Seeing as your wife can't come to this one,

I was thinking maybe you could switch to that one.

I could speak to Belinda and get you a refund...if...if you like?

What's that? Squeezy Sid's Car Valet?

It's not a flyer. A poem.

Really? Is it National Poetry Day or something?

No. I think it's just meant for me.

-A love-struck patient?

-Maybe.

I didn't notice it when I went into town but I was in a mad rush.

-Well, don't go thinking you're so special.

-What?

We've all got our silver-haired fans.

Alas, mine are more Bruce Forsyth than George Clooney.

Got a rose the other day. Now this.

Well, at least it's not made out of little newspaper letters.

That would be disturbing.

SHE GROANS

Are you OK?

Braxton Hicks. Exactly the same thing happened with my son.

-False alarms for days on end.

-Ah, so it's not your first then.

I had Felix 13 years ago

so I thought I could use a refresher course.

-Maternity leave is such a bore.

-When's your due date?

Monday, but I don't want to wait until then

so my husband's going to get a takeaway. Vindaloo!

The old wives' tale?

Not that you're an old wife...

Forget it.

Philip's crass remarks has made me feel a bit paranoid.

He told me that I'm too old to have a baby, quite literally.

I don't know if he's malicious or just tactless.

Well, can't he be both?

I see he's still hanging around, like a bad smell.

I can't very well force him to leave, can I?

Evidently not.

Coffee break?

Those powers of deduction!

Have you ever played Snog, Marry, Avoid?

-What?

-Well, the thing is - I would choose three celebrities.

Then you've got to choose which one you'd snog, which you'd marry

-and which you'd avoid.

-Avoid. Are you feeling OK?

-Just trying to have a bit of fun, you know, banter.

-Banter?

Just trying to lighten the mood a little.

OK. You can lighten the mood by looking after Joe this afternoon.

Daniel?

Did you see anyone this morning fiddling around with Jas's car?

-No. Why?

-Cos somebody left a love poem under her windscreen.

HE SCOFFS

-So what?

-So she's got a secret admirer.

Or one that's blatantly obvious.

You're here now? Why?

-How did you get here?

-Philip!

There's only so much I can take, Philip.

-Eh?

-I put up with the spreadsheets,

the diet control, your constant surveillance.

But to lock me inside the house!

I must've double-locked the front door. It's a force of habit.

And you confiscated my keys.

I was just trying to keep you safe.

By putting me under house arrest?!

I feel more like your prisoner than your wife.

How did you get out?

I found the carefully concealed window keys.

You jumped out of the window?

I'm getting you to St Phil's, we better get the baby checked out.

It's a two foot drop.

OK, now that you're here, you might as well stay for the class.

No. I'm not staying. I just...

Hi! You must be Philip's better half.

Right, the ball and chain.

Or is it the other way around?

I'm Fenella.

Kirsty.

You're absolutely tiny!

Excuse me?

I can't believe she's in her third trimester.

Are you sure that the baby's OK?

Kirsty!

Was it something I said?

Kevin! No. No way. He's not the hearts and flowers type.

Well, not normally, but when it's the real thing...

You think he's been harbouring a desperate crush?

-I think he's had an epiphany.

-What?

-He's woken up to his true feelings.

I know what an epiphany is

but unrequited love is not Kevin's style.

He'd be much more...direct.

Not when he's worried about ruining the friendship.

You see, since Jas moved out, he's realised how much she means to him.

Fine, he's had dozens of casual relationships,

one-night-stands, but she gives him something that the others can't.

Such as?

Companionship, rapport, a shared sense of humour.

You see, since their uni days,

she's been one of the few constants in his life.

They'd make a fantastic couple. It's written all over them..

RETCHING

TOILET FLUSHES

Morning sickness?

What's going on?

Ladies', Philip. Clear off!

Right. Sorry.

So you're...Philip's...?

Yeah. I'm not normally allowed to throw-up unsupervised.

How many weeks are you?

16.

Oh. OK.

I know. Philip's jumping the gun with an antenatal class.

He insists on being ahead of the game.

Well, he does seems a bit...hands-on.

You have no idea.

Ever since we found out I was pregnant, he's gone into overdrive.

Every time I eat, sleep, go to the loo, a box has to be ticked.

Nothing's left to chance.

He's got his reasons but...it's insufferable.

I can imagine.

Have you been sick?

Yes. It's normal. You can get back to your class.

I'm going to stay with my mother. Indefinitely.

What?

I know this can't be easy for you.

And I've tried to put up with your...paranoia.

But for my own sanity, I need some space.

I-I don't understand.

I don't want to see you for a while.

And I certainly don't want to live with you.

-Not until after the baby is born.

-You're not serious?

I'm sorry.

You! What did you say to her?

Nothing.

Kevin. A word of advice, mano a mano.

-Sounds ominous.

-Stop skirting around the issue.

-What issue?

-I think you know what I mean.

-Do I?

-Your situation with a certain colleague.

Ah, right.

Don't beat around the bush, OK? Just take the bull by the horns.

Any other cliches while we're at it?

No, that's your lot.

Mr Shadrack, if you'd like to come through.

-Bye.

-Bye!

-Thanks a lot. Bye.

-Take care. Bye!

Are you OK?

What do you want?

The class has finished.

I know. I'll leave in a minute.

You're a natural.

What did Kirsty say?

Nothing.

The midwife let me hold...her for a minute,

before she took her away.

My wife, my...my first wife, she didn't want to talk about it.

So, so we didn't.

Philip. I'm so sorry.

You see, I've already failed once, as a father, and as a husband.

Now it's happening again.

Kirsty...

She didn't say much but she gave me the impression

that you might've been a bit too...protective.

Isn't that a husband's role?

Well, yeah, but in the extremes,

I guess it can be a bit...a bit suffocating.

The world is full of uncommitted and absent fathers,

men who don't even know their children.

And yet I'm being punished for being too involved.

Too involved? Or too controlling?

Too scared?

Do you have children?

No.

And have you ever lost a child?

No.

Then what would you know about it?

I was just trying to help.

Sorry.

HE SOBS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Enter.

All sorted. Just spoke to one of Izzie's old child-minders.

She's agreed to have Joe for the rest of the day.

Oh. Really?

Mm-hmm. When have I ever let you down?

Let's not go there.

OK, Lohan, Lopez, Johansson?

Oh-oh-oh. Good one.

Well, that's tough, you see, because I only have eyes for you.

Yeah, right.

SHE MOANS IN PAIN

PHONE BEEPS

SHE GASPS

SHE PANTS

Hello? Is anyone there?

HE HUMS

Sorry, Kevin, you didn't knock.

OK, Dr Carter. Meet the paranoid android!

Now, these things have come on considerably

-since your theatre days.

-I am not interested.

Come on, take your shirt off.

-I'll show you what this bad boy can do.

-I haven't got the time.

Think of all the people you'll be helping.

A speedy check-up here versus a long wait for a hospital referral,

it'll make a big difference to some poor sod.

I'm going to keep on annoying you until you agree, so...

KEVIN HUMS AGAIN Oh!

SHE SCREAMS

Don't just...

-Call an...

-SHE SCREAMS

Right! An ambulance.

Ambulance. It's a baby. She's having a baby. Very soon, I think.

Um, it's the community centre on um...my mind's gone blank.

Where are we?

Is it Arnold Road? Arbour Road?

SHE MOANS

Sorry...

Ar...Argh...Arbury!

-Yeah, it's Arbury Road, Leth...

-No! Not road. Av...Av...

Arbury Avenue, Letherbridge.

I can't remember. What's your name again?

-Pre...

-SHE PANTS

Fenella Prendergast!

Fenella Prendergast. Please hurry.

OK. The ambulance is on its way.

-Get someone else. Anybody else!

-OK.

Hello?

Hello.

Anyone?

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

What? 20 minutes?

No, no, she's not my wife. I don't really know her, really.

Yeah, she'll probably be fine.

I think.

Yeah, yeah, you know, one or two tricky customers.

That Philip's a bit of an odd one, isn't he?

What is he doing now?!

SHE PANTS

Where are they?

The ambulance has been a bit waylaid. Another 15 minutes.

15 minutes?! I haven't got two minutes.

All the essentials are in this bag.

Towels, surgical scissors, a first-aid kit.

How about a midwife?

-It's coming! The baby's coming!

-OK.

SHE SCREAMS

Couldn't you find another guinea pig?

There we go, let me just capture that.

One fully-functioning human heart. Feast your eyes.

Must I? Hm?

How does that look to you?

Yeah. It's doing its job.

Well, I think I'd know if it wasn't.

The valves look OK. There are no obvious complications.

Are you sure?

At first glance, yeah.

Well, have a second glance.

-I think you're OK.

-Why am I not reassured?

Is this how you talk to your patients?

Only the hypochondriacs.

-Well, I'm hardly... What's that?

-What's what?

-Bring it closer.

Philip? You still here?

It's a boy!

You could name him after the midwife!

What happened?

Take a guess.

BABY CRIES

Are you OK? Is the baby OK?

Yes. He's gorgeous.

I think I've solved your little mystery.

Excuse me?

Your secret admirer. It's Kevin.

I...I don't think so.

I know. I didn't believe it myself at first.

Right, cos it's a ridiculous idea.

But I have inside knowledge.

-What?

-Daniel told me.

Hi, it's me.

I-I can understand you not picking up.

I know I've been a complete nightmare these past three months,

but can we just talk?

I bet you never thought you'd be grateful to see Philip.

Something amazing's just happened and I want to share it with you.

Bye.

That was probably the most terrifying moment of my life.

But it would've been a lot worse without you. Thank you.

Any time.

You're a dab hand now.

You probably won't break a sweat when your baby comes.

Perhaps I should deliver it myself.

Only I won't be able to.

Kirsty doesn't want me around for the birth.

Well, you never know, she might change her mind,

now she knows you're a pro and all.

PHONE BEEPS

Kirsty's still at the station.

Her train doesn't leave for another 40 minutes.

Well, go! Go and talk to her.

Yeah, yeah, I will.

Oh, Philip?

You might want to change that shirt.

Oh, it's OK. I always carry a spare in the car.

Of course you do.

So he's the one?

That's just...really weird. It changes everything.

Well, but maybe in a good way.

Kevin's got a lot of growing up to do,

but with the right woman by his side...

Me and him?! You've got to be kidding.

That would feel almost incestuous. This is a complete disaster.

Now, wait.

A smart, relatively good-looking doctor has got the hots for you!

That wouldn't rate high on my list of personal catastrophes.

Now it's going to feel really weird between us.

SHE SIGHS UNHAPPILY

It's such a waste.

A waste?

Of a really good friendship.

Oh, well, I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

Hello!? Mrs Anstee?

Oh. Good morning.

It'd be like kicking a puppy.

The trouble with puppies is that they grow up into

great big slobbering dogs

You make it in dollars, and we might have ourselves a deal.

Uh-huh.

Della Notte.

Grazie mille, signore!

You what?

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