Antenatal Doctors


Antenatal

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CAR LOCK CLICKS

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Morning.

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You look fit to pop.

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Packed your bags?

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-Hmm?

-For the birth?

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-We're staying at home.

-Is that wise?

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What if there are complications? Not unlikely. Especially given your age.

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Morning! Hi! You're all here for the antenatal class?

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Right. You are?

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I'm Mandy. I'm shadowing Belinda today.

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HANDLE RATTLES

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Is she not in yet?

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SHE GROANS

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No, no. I can't possibly.

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I've already re-arranged Mrs Docherty's appointment twice.

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A few months ago you'd have moved mountains to spend time with Joe.

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Now, why can't you move Mrs Docherty?

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Because she's private.

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Ironing out her wrinkles will keep Joe in Baby Ralph for a while.

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I told you about this days ago. "I've got it covered," you said.

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-Yeah, well, I don't remember that.

-Selective amnesia. How convenient.

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Your afternoon's not that heavy. Why don't you reschedule?

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Three house calls and drop-in cover. I don't think so.

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-Why not flip a coin for it?

-ZARA SIGHS

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OK, er, well, your nanny must know other child-minders.

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Maybe she could suggest someone.

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-If she could have, she would've done.

-Why would she?

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You speak to her as if she hasn't got two brain cells to rub together.

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-She hasn't.

-If you were nicer to people,

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they might go out of their way to help you.

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A little bit of charm goes a long way.

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People can see through charm, Daniel, even yours.

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Don't knock it, sweetheart. It's what got you in the sack.

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Action speaks louder than charm.

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You're still all mouth and no trousers.

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Zara, you know how you're always complaining at home,

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that no-one likes you at work.

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Why don't you make more a bit more effort?

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ZARA SCOFFS

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How's your afternoon looking?

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But I'm not qualified to teach an antenatal class.

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Well, yeah, that's here.

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Yeah, right. I'll have a go. But I might need to phone a friend.

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Right, get well soon.

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Hiya, everyone!

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I'll start with the bad news - Belinda's feeling a bit under

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the weather so she's not going to be here today.

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But she did ask me to tell you that there'll be an additional

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class at the end of the course, free-of-charge!

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Was that the good news?

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Well, partly. The other bit of good news is

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I'm going to have a bash at being Belinda,

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seeing as you're all here.

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I'm Mandy. Mandy Marquez.

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I'm a practice nurse from The Mill Health Centre...

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A nurse, not a midwife?

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No, I was supposed to be shadowing Belinda today.

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So you're not remotely qualified to teach this class?

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Well, I've got several years of nursing experience

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so I know one end of a baby from another.

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And we deal with a lot of post-natal issues at The Mill.

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Sleeping patterns, feeding concerns, skin complaints.

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Right...so you're all in the third trimester?

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Apart from the guys, of course!

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It would be good to put some names to faces.

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If you could introduce yourselves

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and maybe say a few words about your experience of the pregnancy so far?

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Let's start with you.

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Philip. Philip Mallard.

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All right. Nice to meet you, Phil.

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-Philip.

-Philip.

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And I assume that this lovely lady is your partner?

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No, no. Crikey, no. No, my wife's a good deal younger.

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She couldn't make it.

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Philip's wife has yet to grace us with her presence.

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Oh, OK. Is she still at work?

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No. She's just at home, resting.

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We're beginning to wonder if she actually exists.

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It won't work.

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The cost-effectiveness of the machine

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relies on the number of referrals.

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I refuse to snog Prince Edward. Avoid, avoid!

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That just leaves you with Marilyn Manson. You make a great couple.

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-SHE SWOONS

-He completes me.

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Actually, Wayne Rooney seems strangely attractive now.

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After the initial enthusiasm, it'll soon wear off.

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Now your three. Katie Price...

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We're talking about a huge sum of money, and for what?

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-..Lady Gaga and Ann Widdecombe.

-A machine that goes ping!

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We have a perfectly good one at St Phil's.

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Go on, then!

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Oh right, um... Say them again.

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If you have an epidural then you'll need a drip

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and more heart monitoring of the baby.

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What's the optimum time for the epidural to be administered?

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How far into labour?

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It depends. Sometimes the pushing stage arrives

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before the epidural's had a chance to work.

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Other times, it runs out and can slow the birth down.

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You shouldn't expect an epidural at the drop of a hat.

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You need to wait until the anaesthetist is available.

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So the whole thing's a crap-shoot?

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And the unborn child is at the mercy of the woefully under-funded NHS?

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You're assuming that an epidural is necessary.

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Many women prefer not to use pain killers.

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Yeah, that's right.

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And if the pain does get too much, gas and air can be really useful.

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Even so, you're painting a very worrying picture.

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Absent anaesthetists, over-stretched midwives,

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pain killers administered too early or too late.

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-And that's before you've even touched upon the bigger issues.

-Bigger issues?

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Yes, like emergency caesareans, episiotomy, meconium complications,

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cord around the baby's neck, forceps birth, premature birth...

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Stillbirth.

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Things can go wrong, but usually they don't.

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Not with the right help.

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Every complication is serious because it leads you one step closer

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to an even bigger complication, one that could easily be fatal.

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And sugar-coating the facts won't help.

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If people aren't aware of the risks involved,

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then there's an even greater chance they'll end up with a dead baby.

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SHE SIGHS

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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Come in!

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Morning. Quick word?

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All the doctors have referred some patients to me.

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-Excellent.

-With one exception - Dr Carter.

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Well, no surprise there then.

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He's always been opposed to this investment.

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And now he's trying to prove it was a mistake.

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Maybe he's forgotten to refer his suitable patients.

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No, he hasn't forgotten. I've just heard him bending Daniel's ear,

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moaning about the eye-watering expense.

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Well, he's always been a bit of a stick-in-the-mud.

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-Right. And he needs to get with the programme.

-Agreed.

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-Good. So you'll have a word?

-No. The echo machine's your baby.

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Why don't you give Heston an induction? De-mystify the hardware.

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No, no. This needs your authority.

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Oh, so you haven't got any authority?

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Not much. Not with Heston.

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This is exactly what you need, a chance to hone your people skills.

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He won't listen.

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The gentle art of persuasion. Nothing you can't handle.

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It might be comfy, but where's the support?

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You're not supporting its neck!

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Nurse Marquez? Might I have a quiet word?

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Yeah, of course.

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I'm sure it hasn't escaped your notice, but Philip is making

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everyone feel very uncomfortable, even the guys.

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Yeah. He is a bit...tense.

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Nerves are one thing. It's an anxious time for everyone.

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But his morbid comments and the relentless pessimism,

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it's very upsetting. We're already down three couples.

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Belinda had to take him aside a couple of weeks ago,

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-but now he's even worse.

-Really?

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I'm sure the class would be a lot happier

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and much more productive, sans Philip. Don't you agree?

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I know what you mean, but Philip must've paid for the course.

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He's got as much right to be here as anyone else.

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But has he though?

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There's no evidence that he has a wife, let alone a pregnant one.

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He could've walked in off the street -

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some random, child-abducting lunatic.

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How do you abduct a baby that hasn't been born yet?

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Let's not split hairs. Philip is very strange.

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Who knows what he's capable of?

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Isn't it your responsibility to get rid of him?

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You can't give a new-born a Heimlich manoeuvre!

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You're going to kill it! Come on, please!

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Goodness sake!

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Mind how you go, Mr Bracken, and we'll re-assess you in a few weeks.

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If you have any other problems, do not hesitate...

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-Oh, Heston? I was thinking...

-Oh, dear.

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Now that we've been lumbered with all this

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new-fangled technology...

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Oh, you're becoming a real technology bore, do you know that?

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How would you feel if I kept harping on about opera all the time?

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-You do harp on about opera all the time!

-Exactly.

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You'd still be scared of your smartphone if it wasn't for me!

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PHONE BEEPS

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Fig roll?

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No. Thanks.

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A friend of mine at St Phil's was telling me

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they've set up an antenatal course especially for expectant dads.

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-Really?

-And it's free.

-Hm.

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Seeing as your wife can't come to this one,

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I was thinking maybe you could switch to that one.

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I could speak to Belinda and get you a refund...if...if you like?

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What's that? Squeezy Sid's Car Valet?

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It's not a flyer. A poem.

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Really? Is it National Poetry Day or something?

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No. I think it's just meant for me.

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-A love-struck patient?

-Maybe.

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I didn't notice it when I went into town but I was in a mad rush.

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-Well, don't go thinking you're so special.

-What?

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We've all got our silver-haired fans.

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Alas, mine are more Bruce Forsyth than George Clooney.

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Got a rose the other day. Now this.

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Well, at least it's not made out of little newspaper letters.

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That would be disturbing.

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SHE GROANS

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Are you OK?

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Braxton Hicks. Exactly the same thing happened with my son.

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-False alarms for days on end.

-Ah, so it's not your first then.

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I had Felix 13 years ago

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so I thought I could use a refresher course.

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-Maternity leave is such a bore.

-When's your due date?

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Monday, but I don't want to wait until then

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so my husband's going to get a takeaway. Vindaloo!

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The old wives' tale?

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Not that you're an old wife...

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Forget it.

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Philip's crass remarks has made me feel a bit paranoid.

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He told me that I'm too old to have a baby, quite literally.

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I don't know if he's malicious or just tactless.

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Well, can't he be both?

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I see he's still hanging around, like a bad smell.

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I can't very well force him to leave, can I?

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Evidently not.

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Coffee break?

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Those powers of deduction!

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Have you ever played Snog, Marry, Avoid?

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-What?

-Well, the thing is - I would choose three celebrities.

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Then you've got to choose which one you'd snog, which you'd marry

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-and which you'd avoid.

-Avoid. Are you feeling OK?

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-Just trying to have a bit of fun, you know, banter.

-Banter?

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Just trying to lighten the mood a little.

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OK. You can lighten the mood by looking after Joe this afternoon.

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Daniel?

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Did you see anyone this morning fiddling around with Jas's car?

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-No. Why?

-Cos somebody left a love poem under her windscreen.

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HE SCOFFS

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-So what?

-So she's got a secret admirer.

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Or one that's blatantly obvious.

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You're here now? Why?

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-How did you get here?

-Philip!

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There's only so much I can take, Philip.

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-Eh?

-I put up with the spreadsheets,

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the diet control, your constant surveillance.

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But to lock me inside the house!

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I must've double-locked the front door. It's a force of habit.

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And you confiscated my keys.

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I was just trying to keep you safe.

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By putting me under house arrest?!

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I feel more like your prisoner than your wife.

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How did you get out?

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I found the carefully concealed window keys.

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You jumped out of the window?

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I'm getting you to St Phil's, we better get the baby checked out.

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It's a two foot drop.

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OK, now that you're here, you might as well stay for the class.

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No. I'm not staying. I just...

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Hi! You must be Philip's better half.

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Right, the ball and chain.

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Or is it the other way around?

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I'm Fenella.

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Kirsty.

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You're absolutely tiny!

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Excuse me?

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I can't believe she's in her third trimester.

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Are you sure that the baby's OK?

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Kirsty!

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Was it something I said?

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Kevin! No. No way. He's not the hearts and flowers type.

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Well, not normally, but when it's the real thing...

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You think he's been harbouring a desperate crush?

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-I think he's had an epiphany.

-What?

-He's woken up to his true feelings.

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I know what an epiphany is

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but unrequited love is not Kevin's style.

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He'd be much more...direct.

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Not when he's worried about ruining the friendship.

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You see, since Jas moved out, he's realised how much she means to him.

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Fine, he's had dozens of casual relationships,

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one-night-stands, but she gives him something that the others can't.

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Such as?

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Companionship, rapport, a shared sense of humour.

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You see, since their uni days,

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she's been one of the few constants in his life.

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They'd make a fantastic couple. It's written all over them..

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RETCHING

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TOILET FLUSHES

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Morning sickness?

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What's going on?

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Ladies', Philip. Clear off!

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Right. Sorry.

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So you're...Philip's...?

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Yeah. I'm not normally allowed to throw-up unsupervised.

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How many weeks are you?

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16.

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Oh. OK.

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I know. Philip's jumping the gun with an antenatal class.

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He insists on being ahead of the game.

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Well, he does seems a bit...hands-on.

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You have no idea.

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Ever since we found out I was pregnant, he's gone into overdrive.

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Every time I eat, sleep, go to the loo, a box has to be ticked.

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Nothing's left to chance.

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He's got his reasons but...it's insufferable.

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I can imagine.

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Have you been sick?

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Yes. It's normal. You can get back to your class.

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I'm going to stay with my mother. Indefinitely.

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What?

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I know this can't be easy for you.

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And I've tried to put up with your...paranoia.

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But for my own sanity, I need some space.

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I-I don't understand.

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I don't want to see you for a while.

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And I certainly don't want to live with you.

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-Not until after the baby is born.

-You're not serious?

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I'm sorry.

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You! What did you say to her?

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Nothing.

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Kevin. A word of advice, mano a mano.

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-Sounds ominous.

-Stop skirting around the issue.

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-What issue?

-I think you know what I mean.

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-Do I?

-Your situation with a certain colleague.

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Ah, right.

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Don't beat around the bush, OK? Just take the bull by the horns.

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Any other cliches while we're at it?

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No, that's your lot.

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Mr Shadrack, if you'd like to come through.

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-Bye.

-Bye!

-Thanks a lot. Bye.

-Take care. Bye!

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Are you OK?

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What do you want?

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The class has finished.

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I know. I'll leave in a minute.

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You're a natural.

0:16:540:16:56

What did Kirsty say?

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Nothing.

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The midwife let me hold...her for a minute,

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before she took her away.

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My wife, my...my first wife, she didn't want to talk about it.

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So, so we didn't.

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Philip. I'm so sorry.

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You see, I've already failed once, as a father, and as a husband.

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Now it's happening again.

0:17:440:17:46

Kirsty...

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She didn't say much but she gave me the impression

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that you might've been a bit too...protective.

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Isn't that a husband's role?

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Well, yeah, but in the extremes,

0:18:060:18:10

I guess it can be a bit...a bit suffocating.

0:18:100:18:13

The world is full of uncommitted and absent fathers,

0:18:170:18:23

men who don't even know their children.

0:18:230:18:26

And yet I'm being punished for being too involved.

0:18:260:18:28

Too involved? Or too controlling?

0:18:300:18:34

Too scared?

0:18:370:18:38

Do you have children?

0:18:380:18:40

No.

0:18:420:18:43

And have you ever lost a child?

0:18:430:18:45

No.

0:18:460:18:48

Then what would you know about it?

0:18:480:18:50

I was just trying to help.

0:18:530:18:55

Sorry.

0:18:570:18:58

HE SOBS

0:19:040:19:06

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:19:060:19:08

Enter.

0:19:080:19:10

All sorted. Just spoke to one of Izzie's old child-minders.

0:19:100:19:14

She's agreed to have Joe for the rest of the day.

0:19:140:19:16

Oh. Really?

0:19:160:19:17

Mm-hmm. When have I ever let you down?

0:19:170:19:21

Let's not go there.

0:19:210:19:23

OK, Lohan, Lopez, Johansson?

0:19:240:19:29

Oh-oh-oh. Good one.

0:19:290:19:32

Well, that's tough, you see, because I only have eyes for you.

0:19:320:19:35

Yeah, right.

0:19:350:19:37

SHE MOANS IN PAIN

0:19:480:19:50

PHONE BEEPS

0:19:580:19:59

SHE GASPS

0:19:590:20:01

SHE PANTS

0:20:030:20:05

Hello? Is anyone there?

0:20:070:20:11

HE HUMS

0:20:110:20:14

Sorry, Kevin, you didn't knock.

0:20:140:20:17

OK, Dr Carter. Meet the paranoid android!

0:20:170:20:20

Now, these things have come on considerably

0:20:200:20:23

-since your theatre days.

-I am not interested.

0:20:230:20:25

Come on, take your shirt off.

0:20:250:20:27

-I'll show you what this bad boy can do.

-I haven't got the time.

0:20:270:20:29

Think of all the people you'll be helping.

0:20:290:20:31

A speedy check-up here versus a long wait for a hospital referral,

0:20:310:20:35

it'll make a big difference to some poor sod.

0:20:350:20:39

I'm going to keep on annoying you until you agree, so...

0:20:390:20:41

KEVIN HUMS AGAIN Oh!

0:20:410:20:44

SHE SCREAMS

0:20:440:20:45

Don't just...

0:20:510:20:53

-Call an...

-SHE SCREAMS

0:20:530:20:56

Right! An ambulance.

0:20:560:20:58

Ambulance. It's a baby. She's having a baby. Very soon, I think.

0:21:000:21:08

Um, it's the community centre on um...my mind's gone blank.

0:21:080:21:13

Where are we?

0:21:130:21:15

Is it Arnold Road? Arbour Road?

0:21:150:21:19

SHE MOANS

0:21:190:21:21

Sorry...

0:21:210:21:23

Ar...Argh...Arbury!

0:21:230:21:25

-Yeah, it's Arbury Road, Leth...

-No! Not road. Av...Av...

0:21:250:21:30

Arbury Avenue, Letherbridge.

0:21:300:21:32

I can't remember. What's your name again?

0:21:320:21:35

-Pre...

-SHE PANTS

0:21:350:21:38

Fenella Prendergast!

0:21:380:21:41

Fenella Prendergast. Please hurry.

0:21:410:21:45

OK. The ambulance is on its way.

0:21:450:21:49

-Get someone else. Anybody else!

-OK.

0:21:510:21:55

Hello?

0:21:570:21:59

Hello.

0:21:590:22:01

Anyone?

0:22:030:22:04

PHONE RINGS

0:22:090:22:12

Hello?

0:22:120:22:14

What? 20 minutes?

0:22:150:22:17

No, no, she's not my wife. I don't really know her, really.

0:22:190:22:22

Yeah, she'll probably be fine.

0:22:250:22:27

I think.

0:22:280:22:30

Yeah, yeah, you know, one or two tricky customers.

0:22:320:22:37

That Philip's a bit of an odd one, isn't he?

0:22:370:22:42

What is he doing now?!

0:22:420:22:45

SHE PANTS

0:22:460:22:48

Where are they?

0:22:480:22:51

The ambulance has been a bit waylaid. Another 15 minutes.

0:22:510:22:55

15 minutes?! I haven't got two minutes.

0:22:550:23:00

All the essentials are in this bag.

0:23:000:23:02

Towels, surgical scissors, a first-aid kit.

0:23:020:23:06

How about a midwife?

0:23:060:23:08

-It's coming! The baby's coming!

-OK.

0:23:100:23:13

SHE SCREAMS

0:23:130:23:14

Couldn't you find another guinea pig?

0:23:140:23:17

There we go, let me just capture that.

0:23:170:23:19

One fully-functioning human heart. Feast your eyes.

0:23:190:23:23

Must I? Hm?

0:23:230:23:24

How does that look to you?

0:23:270:23:29

Yeah. It's doing its job.

0:23:290:23:31

Well, I think I'd know if it wasn't.

0:23:310:23:33

The valves look OK. There are no obvious complications.

0:23:330:23:37

Are you sure?

0:23:370:23:39

At first glance, yeah.

0:23:390:23:40

Well, have a second glance.

0:23:400:23:42

-I think you're OK.

-Why am I not reassured?

0:23:440:23:46

Is this how you talk to your patients?

0:23:460:23:48

Only the hypochondriacs.

0:23:480:23:50

-Well, I'm hardly... What's that?

-What's what?

-Bring it closer.

0:23:500:23:53

Philip? You still here?

0:23:550:23:57

It's a boy!

0:23:570:23:59

You could name him after the midwife!

0:23:590:24:01

What happened?

0:24:050:24:07

Take a guess.

0:24:070:24:09

BABY CRIES

0:24:090:24:11

Are you OK? Is the baby OK?

0:24:110:24:13

Yes. He's gorgeous.

0:24:130:24:15

I think I've solved your little mystery.

0:24:210:24:24

Excuse me?

0:24:240:24:25

Your secret admirer. It's Kevin.

0:24:280:24:31

I...I don't think so.

0:24:310:24:34

I know. I didn't believe it myself at first.

0:24:340:24:36

Right, cos it's a ridiculous idea.

0:24:360:24:38

But I have inside knowledge.

0:24:380:24:41

-What?

-Daniel told me.

0:24:410:24:43

Hi, it's me.

0:24:450:24:47

I-I can understand you not picking up.

0:24:470:24:49

I know I've been a complete nightmare these past three months,

0:24:490:24:52

but can we just talk?

0:24:520:24:54

I bet you never thought you'd be grateful to see Philip.

0:24:540:24:57

Something amazing's just happened and I want to share it with you.

0:24:570:25:02

Bye.

0:25:020:25:03

That was probably the most terrifying moment of my life.

0:25:060:25:09

But it would've been a lot worse without you. Thank you.

0:25:090:25:13

Any time.

0:25:130:25:14

You're a dab hand now.

0:25:260:25:27

You probably won't break a sweat when your baby comes.

0:25:270:25:30

Perhaps I should deliver it myself.

0:25:300:25:32

Only I won't be able to.

0:25:320:25:34

Kirsty doesn't want me around for the birth.

0:25:340:25:36

Well, you never know, she might change her mind,

0:25:360:25:39

now she knows you're a pro and all.

0:25:390:25:40

PHONE BEEPS

0:25:400:25:42

Kirsty's still at the station.

0:25:430:25:45

Her train doesn't leave for another 40 minutes.

0:25:450:25:48

Well, go! Go and talk to her.

0:25:480:25:50

Yeah, yeah, I will.

0:25:500:25:52

Oh, Philip?

0:25:520:25:54

You might want to change that shirt.

0:25:540:25:57

Oh, it's OK. I always carry a spare in the car.

0:25:570:26:00

Of course you do.

0:26:010:26:03

So he's the one?

0:26:030:26:06

That's just...really weird. It changes everything.

0:26:070:26:13

Well, but maybe in a good way.

0:26:130:26:15

Kevin's got a lot of growing up to do,

0:26:150:26:17

but with the right woman by his side...

0:26:170:26:19

Me and him?! You've got to be kidding.

0:26:190:26:21

That would feel almost incestuous. This is a complete disaster.

0:26:210:26:26

Now, wait.

0:26:260:26:28

A smart, relatively good-looking doctor has got the hots for you!

0:26:280:26:31

That wouldn't rate high on my list of personal catastrophes.

0:26:310:26:33

Now it's going to feel really weird between us.

0:26:330:26:37

SHE SIGHS UNHAPPILY

0:26:370:26:39

It's such a waste.

0:26:390:26:40

A waste?

0:26:400:26:42

Of a really good friendship.

0:26:420:26:44

Oh, well, I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

0:26:450:26:49

Hello!? Mrs Anstee?

0:26:590:27:01

Oh. Good morning.

0:27:010:27:04

It'd be like kicking a puppy.

0:27:040:27:06

The trouble with puppies is that they grow up into

0:27:060:27:08

great big slobbering dogs

0:27:080:27:09

You make it in dollars, and we might have ourselves a deal.

0:27:090:27:13

Uh-huh.

0:27:140:27:15

Della Notte.

0:27:150:27:17

Grazie mille, signore!

0:27:170:27:20

You what?

0:27:200:27:21

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