The Crazy World of Vegetables Doctors

HE SIGHS

MUSIC: "One" by Three Dog Night

# One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do... #

-Marilyn. Can you sign this for me, please?

-Oh, sure.

# Two can be as bad as one

# It's the loneliest number since the number one... #

Look at that.

I want an appointment with Nurse Marquez. Is she in?

Yes, but she has a very busy clinic this morning.

Is it an emergency?

-If it is for the baby, then...

-No, it's for me.

I'll wait if I have to, but I want to see her.

As I said, she is fully booked...

but Dr Carmichael has had a cancellation although

she is running a little late but...

No. Thank you. Tell Mandy it's me, Rachel Fuller.

Please?

If you come back after morning surgery,

I will see what I can do.

Thanks.

It's OK, we're old colleagues, he's expecting me. Through here?

Howard!

Marilyn?

Can you tell her I'm not a security risk, we're like, sort of, family.

-It's fine.

-OK.

"Sort of family"?

Well, medically speaking, at the PCT, sorry CCG,

PCT when we ruled the roost.

How are you?

Mm.

Whereas you, Mr Bellamy, are looking very...

still got creases in all the right places.

I bumped into Crazy Cat Woman the other day.

Crazy...?

Ah, Valerie!

She said you hadn't changed a bit,

but, actually, I'd say, perhaps even more distinguished.

Well, you know her, she's probably been on the catnip!

I saw Emma Reid works here now?

Confidentially, I always thought you had a bit of a twinkle for her.

So, is this a social call or just business?

Not that it isn't nice to see you.

I was hoping to pick your brains about something.

I need an expert opinion.

Are you chained to this place? Care for a nibble?

On me...?

Mrs Fuller, I have spoken to Nurse Marquez.

Will she see me today? Do I have to come back?

She's had a cancellation. Please take a seat.

She will see you as soon as she can.

Thank you, so much.

Barry McClain?

Barry!

Hello.

How easily can someone re-enlist in the Army?

Well, it depends. Who are we talking about?

My son, Bailey...?

He joined up, and then they allowed him to come home

because I was ill.

-Oh.

-I had cancer.

I had the op, the treatment, bought the T-shirt, moved on.

I'm sorry.

No-one never tells you having a serious illness can be boring.

Sitting around, waiting for results, and treatment.

So, his regiment allowed Bailey to take compassionate leave?

No. He left. There was no-one else who could help.

It was just him and me versus the world.

Bit selfish of me, really.

No. Not at all.

Thing is, I'm worried. I'm sure he's got PTSD.

Did he see active service?

No, but can you get it in relation to cancer survivors?

He's had no direction since, he just slobs around the house.

Don't get me wrong, he's not scrounging off me or anything.

-But...?

-He's just lost his ambition.

I thought once I was well enough to go back to work,

he'd pick himself up and get motivated, but nothing.

Well, I can talk to his old CO.

Find out what they'd do if he wants to re-join.

That'd be fantastic. Thank you.

So, how have you been?

-Oh, come on now.

-I can't do it any more.

You're still struggling?

It's got worse. I can't bear the pain.

I'm sure he's not getting a proper feed.

He doesn't look malnourished, Rachel.

I'm not just saying that.

Sorry, it's not that, I'm so tired I can't even think straight.

There's no downtime.

I go from worrying all day to worrying through the night.

I'll check him over, you'll see he's fine.

-I want to switch to formula.

-OK.

I don't care if that makes me look like a bad mother.

Who told you that?

It's just the message you get from everyone - midwives, doctors,

the antenatal clinic.

"Breast is best".

But Dr Carmichael didn't?

Well, maybe it's not for you.

I am not here to make you feel like a failure.

That'd just make things worse.

Especially if it affects your relationship with Harry.

You're really OK with it?

Yes, this is entirely your decision.

A happy mummy makes for a happy baby, as far as I'm concerned.

-WHISPERS:

-What's for dinner tonight?

MUSIC: "I'm Still Standing" by Elton John

Here he is, Bailey Pelham, boy out of nowhere, first time in a

world championship.

Oh, he's going for the carrot!

The crowd hold their breath.

Oh! And it's all over, he's out!

Such a fine young hope, what a way to go!

Stand back, evil Dr Mushroom, I, Broccoli Boy,

allotment defender, will take down your deadly trumpets of death.

We are more alike than you think, boy.

When's the last time

your broccoli caused the newspaper waft of doom...?

# Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

# I'm still standing

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# I'm still standing... #

So, was Bailey... Thank you.

So, was Bailey struggling to cope with everything while you were ill?

No. He was upbeat and optimistic.

Then what makes you think there was a problem?

-Are you sure he wasn't traumatised from being called Bailey?

-Oi!

For the first three months of my pregnancy it was all I craved.

Not that I drank any.

Lucky for him you didn't want a Cinzano.

There is something, though.

I wish I could figure out what it was.

-It's just not like him.

-PHONE CHIMES

He's not himself. Speak of the devil.

Listen to this - "Hi, I'm Captain Courgette,

"and I'm looking for romance on Legumes Of Love dot com!"

Very inventive. He seems happy enough.

Yes, but is that any way for someone to spend their time?

He's only 23. That's nothing, is it?

How long is he going to carry on like this?

Will you talk to him? Please?

You've always been so driven.

Right.

Mrs Tembe, I don't have Rachel Fuller's notes -

I assume she's a last-minute appointment?

She has not got an appointment with you.

But... Oh, she was here?

She is seeing Nurse Marquez.

Really?

Mrs Allen is here for you.

I've just had a really good idea how to get Mrs Tembe to the

Luscious Lace party.

Mrs Tembe?

Me and Emma are having a party tomorrow night...

..like a home-wares party?

Where the lady comes and gives demonstrations?

You know, just us girls, a few nibbles, some new products.

Do you want to come?

Oh, well! Thank you, Miss Teale, Dr Reid, that would be lovely.

Great.

It is very timely. I have one or two objects

I have been thinking of replacing, they are getting a little careworn.

Well, there'll definitely be some time-saving devices

to have a look at.

Oh, well, shall I bring some food? A small contribution?

No, we just want the pleasure of your company.

Oh!

You know...

I have always wanted one of those small, battery-operated...

..whisks.

THEY CHUCKLE

-Perhaps they will have something like that?

-I'd put money on it.

What are you doing?

Wait, listen...name the tune.

HE HUMS

I thought baked beans were the only food you could get a tune out of.

Don't encourage him.

Bailey, this is Howard Bellamy, I don't know if you remember

but Howard and I used to work together.

-All right?

-Nice to meet you.

Like you, he's ex-army.

Unlike you he doesn't play with his food, have you left

-anything for dinner tonight?

-Chillax.

I thought you might be interested in Howard's work with soldiers

returning to civilian life.

Uh, yeah?

Glad to hear someone's doing something about it,

you'll have to fill me in sometime.

Veggies are done, I'm going for a run.

No, it's... Howard's here to meet you especially.

What for?

Oh... Is Mr Bellamy going to be my new daddy?

-Don't get smart.

-Mind if I join you?

I've got the gear in the back of the car.

You keep your gym gear in your car? What for, fitness emergencies?

I go for a run every day. I might as well go with you now.

Suit yourself. See you in five minutes.

New toy?

Yeah. Little birthday present to myself.

2.5GHz processor, 16GB RAM,

more pixels than the human eye can handle and wi-fi so fast...

Well, I can put a girdle round the earth in 40 micro seconds.

-What's that?

-That's Puck. From Midsummer Night's Dream.

-"I'll put a girdle round about the earth in 40 minutes"?

-No. What's that icon?

That? That's the SETI Project in America.

SETI? What's that? A yeti with a speech impediment?

No, Kevin, SETI is the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence.

All over our small planet likeminded individuals are giving

up their spare capacity of which I have a considerable amount.

To aid in the search for alien life.

Absolutely. Whatever gets your geek on.

Perhaps we should start the search for intelligent life

a little closer to home?

Yeah. Maybe we should.

So, maybe try mix feeding, some bottle,

and when you feel up to it try breast again

Mandy, could you...? Oh...

I'm so sorry, I didn't realise you had a...

Mrs Fuller. Hello again.

I was just leaving.

I'm so sorry, did I hear you mentioning something about a bottle?

What? For Harry?

Only if you were listening at the door

I'm still having problems.

And storing up more for the future.

You did appreciate what I was telling

-you about the advantages of breast-feeding, didn't you?

-Dr Carmichael...

How it significantly reduces the risks of infection and diarrhoea?

How Harry has less of a risk of succumbing to obesity

and all sorts of illnesses?

Your breast milk has 400 nutrients that aren't even

-available in formula.

-I didn't forget.

You do want to give your son the best possible start in life, don't you?

-I know, it's just...

-Rachel has some concerns.

Well, as every new mother does but...

as for this...!

Dr Carmichael, can I have a word, please?

Excuse us.

OK.

So, you've kept up your level of fitness.

I was a physical training instructor, it doesn't leave you.

Well, most guys drop off once they get to Civvy Street.

-I work at a fitness centre now.

-Really?

Go in, work with a few personal training clients.

I choose my own hours. It's perfect.

You don't miss the discipline?

Take it or leave it.

-Or the camaraderie?

-Green isn't my colour.

Come on, who we talking about here?

Me or you? Or my mum?

What do you mean?

You haven't stopped asking questions. I can hear her voice -

"Oh, you need to get a life, a career, a girlfriend".

She drives me bonkers.

She's just worried about you. That's what parents do.

So worried she's been signing me up to dating websites behind my back.

-That's not worry, that's manipulation.

-What?

She's been giving out my phone number an' all.

Random women calling up, saying we should meet.

She'll be dropping hints about grandchildren next.

Look, I'm happy with things the way they are. All right?

Maybe she's gone a bit too far this time.

Come on, let's pick the pace up a bit, you up to it? Come on.

Mr Salmon!

You're supposed to help women, Zara, not bully them.

I am doing nothing of the sort whereas you've done

everything to undermine all my good work with her.

-I've listened to her concerns.

-And given her a quick fix.

You should have referred her straight to me.

Mrs Tembe said she insisted on seeing me, why do you think that is?

If she's sleep deprived as you suggest, maybe it shows lack of judgment on her part.

The only one judging round here is you. Keep it up

and she'll lose faith in all of us.

I have given her the bigger picture, breast-feeding has

countless benefits that formula doesn't.

And making her feel like a failure if breast-feeding is too difficult?

What will that achieve?

Well, if you're going to shrug and walk away because it's the easy option

for you and for her it's hardly the zenith of caring, is it?

So, how much has she told you, then?

I know you left the Army to care for her.

-Look, now she's fighting fit, she wants you to go back and re-join.

-What?

I don't get her, she didn't want me to enlist in the first place,

thought I might get blown up.

Now she wants me to go back?

She wants you to have a life.

What's changed? Why's she so desperate to get rid of me?

Unless it's you.

HE CHUCKLES

-Me?

-She wants the house back as her own passion palace.

-Don't get me wrong.

-HE LAUGHS

-She could do a lot worse.

-Hang on.

Welcome to the family, I was joking before,

what I said about getting a new dad.

No, it's nothing like that. It's not.

Once she sets her mind on something...

She thinks you've got PTSD.

I didn't see combat.

Relating to her cancer.

From what you saw her go through.

And I went into shock?

That's crazy.

We should head back.

Sorry, are you waiting for Nurse Marquez?

She's with Dr Carmichael.

Are you all right?

Or is it this little fella?

No, it's me, worst mum in the world.

Really? Why? What did you do, leave him outside the supermarket?

I actually did that once.

-Are you a doctor?

-Yes, Dr Reid.

Rachel. This is Harry.

Oh. Hello.

He seems perfectly healthy to me,

so whatever you think you've done that's so terrible...

I can't breast-feed him. I keep trying but it's agony.

Is he your first?

I suppose your head is full of all that, "Am I doing it right?

-"Should it be this...?"

-Does it ever stop?

It gets better, much better. I promise you.

What did Nurse Marquez advise for the discomfort?

Everyone says there should be some, but it's terrible,

and I'm sure he's not feeding right.

Would you show me?

Oh, look...

..his lip's curling ever so slightly.

I think that might be causing him problems when latching on.

If you just keep your little finger, and uncurl it...

Right. OK, try now.

It feels different.

SHE CHUCKLES

DOOR BANGS

What is wrong with my life?!

Oh. And hello to you too.

There must be something I'm messing up,

otherwise why try fixing me all the time?

What set this off?

I just want a normal life.

I'd work more, but I'm happy with the way things are,

I pay my way, sleep late Sundays, see my mates.

-Vandalise vegetables.

-I'm fine.

But, of course, that's not good enough for you, is it?

No, suddenly I've got women calling me up.

Oh, did Natalie ring? She's a nurse, you'll like her.

I'm not interested, Mum! I'm OK as I am.

Are you? Really?

This isn't about me.

Do you know what this is about?

Huh? You don't have to protect her.

He seems fine. There's no sign of PTSD...in my opinion.

If you want me out of the house, just be straight with me.

Of course I...

We're doing OK, all right? We're muddling on...

You shouldn't be just "muddling"! You should have goals!

A relationship - live your life while you can.

I am living it.

He is, and if he's happy why should it matter?

Thank you.

It still hurts, but he's feeding properly.

Well, it'll be sore for a while yet,

but it'll ease off now he's latching on properly.

What's going on?

Dr Reid figured out what's wrong.

Yeah?

Harry's got a little curl in his lip,

so he was having problems latching on.

It's not something you'd look for unless you knew.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Right...one for you...and you.

He was really doing it.

THEY CHUCKLE

How many more times?! I'm not trying to do what

you think is right.

You wanted my opinion -

it's Bailey's life to live how he wants.

What if he's making a mess of it? You expect me

to just stand by and watch?

Is it asking that much that you be happy for me?

-And then maybe look at your own life a little bit more?

-No!

Having peace of mind would make me happy -

knowing you had prospects, a girlfriend, something proper.

I've got you!

I'm grateful for that because I nearly didn't!

I just want to see a time when I look at you and think,

you've really achieved something, that you're not useless after all.

Wow.

One day, you're going to take a hard look at your life

and see what I do -

the mindless, repetitive tasks that keep you occupied until bedtime.

Carry on like this you'll end up alone and unloved.

I'm going to finish my run.

SHE GROANS

I know you can be persuasive, but what the hell was all that?

Thanks for trying... but it's a lost cause.

You're driving the lad away.

Why do you want to lose him?

Because it's come back...all right?

The cancer's returned and it's not looking good

and I just have to know that

Bailey has something, anything, that will give his life some purpose.

I'm so sorry.

He'll focus on taking care of me

and nothing else and it'll hold him back.

It's about his life, not being chained to mine.

But the lad will need to know.

Just delaying the inevitable will make things worse.

You need to stop manipulating him.

And me!

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

AMERICAN ACCENT: Hi, is this Mr Alistair Haskey?

Yeah, it's Dr Haskey.

Well, howdy, this is Professor Kramer from the SETI Project...

Whoa.

Yeah, and I wanted to phone you in person to thank you for your help.

Cool, where exactly are you calling from?

The US...

From the Hat Creek site.

Yeah, right, I had heard that you'd returned to reconfigure the Allen Telescope Array.

You sure know your stuff, you know what, it's from there

we picked something up.

Your personal AI contribution helped us to make the link.

HE SPLUTTERS

OMG. This is blowing my actual mind.

Can I ask where it came from?

It had to be one of the HabCat stars, didn't it?

I'm sorry?

I reckon it's the most likely home for transmissions.

Right.

Can I ask where my software was helpful?

Well...on the project.

But where exactly? Was it the terrestrial microwave windows?

Er...

No, the one to ten gigahertz reading can seem small but...

Listen, this is on a "need-to-know" basis right now,

but I just wanted to tell you how vital your support has been.

So, keep watching the skies, my friend.

Professor Kramer, I never stopped. The truth is out there, isn't it?

Or on our website. Bye-bye.

HE CHUCKLES

-Hook, line and plonker!

-Oo!

You've been gone for ages.

Stopped round Tony's.

I'm moving out. He's got a spare room.

That's what you want.

-I'm just going for a shower.

-Bailey...

Quick drinky poos. How about it, Dr Who-ski, or will you be watching the skies?

It's done with satellite dishes, not telescopes.

I thought you said it was girdles? THEY CHUCKLE

Green-skinned alien women in corsets, turning up and saying,

"Show us this earth thing called kissing."

Yeah, I can see the appeal.

I don't know about that, there could be some probing involved.

HabCats or...

Well, the truth is out there.

-I knew it was you.

-What was us?

The phone call. Professor Kramer. I never bought it .

You so did, dude.

LAUGHTER

The great sceptic, stitched up by a schoolboy prank.

Nah, I was not stitched up, I was playing along to humour you.

Yeah, whatever(!)

Anyway, the first round's on you, Mulder.

No, thanks, I'll give it a miss tonight, lads.

BOTH: Aww!

HE WHISTLES

LAUGHTER

Where do you think you got your talent from?

I'll be fine. As long as you stay close.

Is that you admitting you got it wrong?

SHE SIGHS

Eat your veggies. They're good for you.

KNOCK AT DOOR

What the hell was all that about at lunchtime?

The invitation?

Oh, the mother and baby?

We don't interfere with each other's patients and you know it.

Even if the help makes a difference?

Well, I suppose it's annoying when somebody else spots something

that you've missed. I can understand that.

That is not what I mean and you know it.

Well, as I said, I only knew to look for it from past experience.

Anyway, what made you want to get involved in the whole

breast-feeding campaign?

Why? Do you think you could do a better job because of some lucky accident?

Far from it, I'm no expert,

I'm just someone who has a friend who had a similar experience.

And, well, as you know you don't have to be an expert to listen.

-What are you wittering on about?

-That's my point.

I'm not wittering, and neither are the new mothers.

They talk about their fears, "Will I be any good at it?"

-I didn't.

-Oh, you don't say(!)

Listen to them, Zara.

Focus on support, encouragement,

and NEVER let them feel that they're alone.

If you really don't want to fail at this you need to stop

blaming them and start helping them with the problems that they face.

This is about their success, not yours.

Who are you suddenly? The wise old woman of the woods?!

SHE SIGHS

So, it's not just a straightforward hate crime, then, is it?

-Mrs Tembe's going. You'll dine out on that one for years.

-Tembe?

Even my family think I'm a freak.

I know what the cops are thinking.

Right, who wants to go first?

-Oh, what the heck. Get that thing between my legs right now!

-LAUGHTER

Straight as an arrow normal, me.

We're all straight as an arrow normal, aren't we?