Less than Meets the Eye Doctors

RUMMAGING IN BIN

Sorry.

Oi!

Come here!

-Get the freak.

-Oi!

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Who is it?

-'George Clooney's better looking kid brother.'

Yeah, OK.

Make yourself useful. What's this gland again?

Why don't we ask Emma?

The Montgomery gland.

Oh, fantastic.

You'd complain if I wasn't interested.

What time are you off shopping, or partying,

or going to your Luscious Thingy-thing?

Luscious Lace. Don't pretend you don't look on their website.

Frequently.

Eight. There are several dental procedures I'd rather endure.

Enjoy yourself. You don't get out much these days.

A night of sex toys with Emma, and Karen, and Mandy?

It sounds like the layer of hell Dante somehow missed.

Well, self anaesthetise. Mrs Tembe's going.

-You'll dine out on that one for years.

-Tembe?

Yeah. Just don't take it too seriously.

Don't expect any 'benefits' from this party.

Stay away from my sister!

Oi! Oi, that's enough!

OK. I think you're over the worst of it now.

It's just a panic attack. It's not unusual.

-How're you feeling now?

-Crap. I still can't breathe well.

Well, just take it easy.

They're victimising me.

I know, I know. You think everyone says that.

OK, go on, I'll bite. Why would they victimise you?

KNOCK ON THE DOOR Come in.

-How is he?

-He needs a little time,

and I've given him something to settle him down. He'll be fine.

-Good. There's someone else I need you to look at.

-Related to this?

Nah.

OK, we're done.

You. Out.

Don't worry, I haven't slipped anything in them.

Can you guess what they are yet?

-It's just like The Generation Game.

-DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get that.

-Hi, Zara!

-Hi.

You brought wine.

Thank you, Zara.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, hello!

Mrs Tembe.

It is for all of my goodies.

You did not bring a bag?

Mrs Tembe, can I get you a drink?

Just water, please.

Three suspects, two male, one female have been arrested.

One of the lads and the girl were kicking seven bells

out of the second lad.

They're all keeping schtumm, but it's their lookout.

-It's all on CCTV.

-Do the other two have injuries?

Not compared with the other lad.

OK, what's your name?

I'm not police. I won't tell them anything which incriminates you.

Did you take a blow to the head,

-or did you hit it on the ground, or...?

-Both.

Did you lose consciousness?

Any blow to the head can be very serious.

No.

OK, good. Could you stand up for me?

I noticed when they brought you in, you were in a lot of pain.

-When they assaulted you, they...

-If I'm the victim, why am I here?

That's not my call, I'm afraid.

So, when you were assaulted,

they were kicking you around the torso, correct?

So, I need to have a look at that area,

to see if you might need an X-ray.

If you could just pop off your, shirt please.

I'll sort you out some pain relief.

Look, I really need to see that part of your body, so if you could just...

Can't you just get X-rays?

No, cos you'd have to go to the hospital.

It's OK. I AM here to help you.

Something unexpected has just come up.

-He is a she.

-Are you sure?

-THEY SNIGGER

It's not funny, guys.

Any help you can give to get him... her talking...

It's not my job to get him talking.

Smirking and joking's not going to help.

We've got a very sexually confused person our hands.

These are sexually confident times.

It is wonderful to be a sexually vibrant woman,

a woman who knows her own innermost desires.

And it's time to let the fellas

AND ladies in our lives hear our goddesses roar.

Right, I've got an amazing selection of erotic lingerie,

clothes, aphrodisiacs,

stimulants, you want it, I've got it.

And if I haven't, I can get it.

It's hardly the top end of the market, is it?

I'm strictly Agent Provocateur.

Would you let your fella tear your posh knickers off?

She would if he folded them neatly

and put them back in the knickers drawer.

Sorry! Did I say that out loud?

Jumbo sausage...

What is this?

You're not in Kansas any more, Mrs Tembe.

Mrs Tembe, I am SO sorry.

I am here for you all to laugh at.

All right, that's true.

But if we had told you what kind of a party it was,

you wouldn't have come. And we REALLY want you here.

We're going to be laughing about tonight for months.

Do you want to be left out of that?

If you leave now, then people WILL laugh at you.

Please, stay, Mrs Tembe. Come on, don't take it so seriously.

Stay. Have a laugh with us.

The police told me they heard the other girl call you Sammy.

-Is that your name?

-I thought you didn't tell them anything.

I had to tell them that, because that places a certain obligation

on how we deal with you. It's to protect all of us.

It's not just something you can just push to one side, hide away.

So, is that your name?

Can I at least ask your age?

Again, it's for your own protection.

I'm over 21.

When do I get out of here? I don't want to press charges.

They gave you a real beating.

All the cops, all any of you are going to do is treat me

like I'm a freak.

Why would they treat you like you're a freak?

I mean, there are plenty of women who dress identically to men

-as a matter of course.

-I'm not a woman.

I mean, this?

Yeah, it's a woman's body.

But here...

..I'm a man, I always have been.

From when I was a kid. They used to call me a tomboy

cos I played with the other boys but I wasn't.

It's like nature's played a vicious trick on me.

I was born with...

..this.

It's wrong, it's all wrong.

Is that why those people assaulted you? Because you're different?

That's a hate crime. You don't have to put up with it.

Is that what it was?

KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.

A word.

I've interviewed the other lad.

THE lad. Didn't wait for his brief.

He said he wanted to get it all on record.

He says Sammy, or whatever her name is,

has been passing herself off as a bloke.

-She's been dating his sister.

-The other girl?

They've only just found out.

-So, it's not just a straightforward hate crime, then is it?

-Where is she?

-Where are you, freak?!

-Shut him up!

HE CONTINUES SHOUTING

We're not finished!

Maybe I've just had a sheltered life. I mean, what is it?

More to the point, how do you get it out?

On the plus side, you could open wine bottles with it,

-kind of like a Swiss Army vib...

-ALL: Zara.

What?

His sister's 16,

so I can't interview her till an appropriate adult's here.

But the brother's alleged the relationship's sexual.

-She's over the age of consent.

-Yes, but if any kind of sex took place

and your patient led her to believe she was a bloke, which is

how it looks, then she wasn't consenting.

Your patient could be looking at a possible rape charge.

No wonder so many women are conflicted about breast-feeding.

Oh, lighten up. Breast-feeding's not all it's cracked up to be.

I slogged away at it for ten months with Chris

and I never got that fabled bonded feeling.

Karen, did you breast-feed?

I...don't know.

Could you give breast fascism a rest, please?

This is supposed to be a party, not a therapy session.

Perhaps I could go and get some more crud-titties... Cru... Some nibbles?

THEY GIGGLE

This is Dr Clay. We're going to do something about your cuts.

Could you lift up your hair for me, please?

Thanks.

I just need to make sure it doesn't get infected.

You're treating Sam, aren't you?

Apart from the cuts, are you in any pain, anywhere else?

What do you think? I'm suffering, right?

He... SHE broke my heart.

I thought I loved... I don't even know what to call him or her!

If it helps, you're young, you'll get over this...

How do you know?

I thought SHE was the love of my life.

But he was lying to me. He was just a freak who...

When you see him, ask him why,

why he did this to me?

And tell him that me and my brother, we're going to make him suffer,

he's going to pay for what he did to me.

MOBILE RINGS

Karen?

Erm... Did...

Did I breast-feed?

Yeah, for a while before you went onto the bottle. Why?

No reason. Just wondering. What time do you finish?

Cos I might have a few goodies I would like to try out on you.

That does sound very nice, but I'm with someone.

A bloke.

A bloke, on an obbo.

Quick, quick! Saved you a seat, come on!

Open it.

Oops!

How's the pain?

OK.

Are you going to tell me your name?

Come on, after everything else you've told me, your name's nothing.

Sam Purnell.

Short for Samantha.

I'm in trouble, aren't I?

They're looking to charge me with something?

They don't really tell me their plans.

All I can tell you is tell the police everything.

They already think I'm a freak.

-I wouldn't think...

-I've lived with it all my life.

When people find out about me...

..the looks...

..the whispers.

Even my family think I'm a freak.

I know what the cops are thinking.

Apart from this...this one thing,

I'm a normal person who's had to live a lie all their life.

I'm not even sure I know what normal is. I don't think I've met

one person who doesn't have some sort of psychological issue.

-Even me...

-This isn't a psychological issue.

It's my body that's wrong, not my head.

Yeah, sorry.

I heard Ellen's voice out there.

I never meant to hurt her.

I just...

I couldn't find a way to tell her about me.

Not without...

Not without ruining everything.

I love her.

And I've destroyed any chance of her ever loving me now.

Haven't I?

She's never going to love me for who I am.

All I can tell you is get your version of events on record now.

Things could get very messy.

The brother's already claimed you had sex with his sister.

How could I do that?

That girl is hurting.

And if she wants to hurt you and she backs up his claims...

..things could get very messy.

You believe I didn't do it...

..don't you?

Right, ladies, what you do first is dangle the hammer between your legs.

And hit the ball to score a goal.

Most points, wins a prize.

Do you think we went too far? Do you think she'll be all right?

-I'm sure she'll get over it.

-Right. Who wants to go first?

What the heck. Get that thing between my legs right now.

CHEERING

Right, let's do this.

OK.

Right, off you go.

Beginners luck.

Well, let's see...

..how your luck holds out.

Right, I've got a name. She's OK'ed for me to pass it on.

So, Samantha Purnell.

I'll have to interview Samantha now, anyway.

The girl's made an allegation.

She was deceived into sexual relations.

All we have to do is work out what any charge might be.

-What do you think?

-Eh?

You've seen them both. What's your gut instinct?

Did that woman trick the girl into sex?

I couldn't say.

Fair enough. Anyway, let's see what comes from interview.

Brian.

Come with me.

-ALL: Oh...

-Close, but no coconut.

Who's the mummy? Who IS the mummy?

Remind me why I invited her?

Congratulations, Zara.

Zara, I knew it.

Thank you, Mandy, very good.

Emma, oh.

Karen?

SHE LAUGHS

-Karen, you're a dark horse!

-That's cos Rob is absolutely...

Karen's certainly got into the spirit of things.

Right, the raffle.

Do they come as a set?

SHE SCREAMS

Get off! Stop it right now!

Come on!

She is crazy. What is it? The bump to the head?

Do you know what it was about?

You do, don't you?

No!

Sam, it's really important that you tell PC Miles all about

your relationship with Ellen.

Tell him everything that happened. And tell him what didn't happen.

And it's really important that you

-tell him very quickly.

-What have you said?

Nothing. She's worried that you and the other officers

-will treat her like a freak. That she'll be mocked.

-Not on my watch.

Anyone treats you like a freak, I won't have it.

Sam, you need to listen to Dr Clay.

If they charge you, you'll get a brief.

Chances are they'll tell you to say nothing.

You need to talk to them, that's your best bet.

OK.

I...I just saw her holding these red pants

and I... I don't know what happened, I went for her, I just lost it.

-Is she all right?

-Yeah.

I really think it's something to do with Jack. It's like...

I don't know. Is it a maternal thing?

Did she do something to Jack?

'And that's why I'm mad at her?'

The main thing is that you're both OK...

No! Stop it, Rob! You can't treat me like I'm stupid.

You WANT me to remember the past,

so when I have these...

when I have these flashbacks, I've GOT to understand them.

And I don't. What else have I got to be scared of?!

I've got to be able to TRUST you to be HONEST with me

'because half-remembering is really terrifying.'

You're right.

You ARE right.

OK.

Jack and Zara. Four, maybe five years ago...

I'm sorry.

Look... Irrespective of what happens here, I think you need help.

I'm going to put you in touch with some counselling, OK?

Now, I'm not going to say that by dragging these things

out into the cold light of day that it'll make it easier to deal with or

any less scary. But at least you'll know

-you're not on your own with it.

-Thanks.

Look after yourself, OK?

And if anyone ever gives you a hard time for not being normal

or being a freak, then that's their problem, not yours.

You don't ever have to deal with it.

Is there any chance I could have a word with Ellen?

-How are you feeling?

-How do you think?

Are your cuts still bleeding?

I don't think so.

Do you need any more pain relief?

What she did to you was wrong, it was inexcusable.

But she's been in pain most of her life

and she's got a lot more to come. No matter what.

If you ever loved him... Her...

..don't punish her for something that didn't happen.

She'll pay for what she's done.

And her heart's broken too.

-You slept with Jack.

-I apologised at the time.

I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

Hang on a minute. How old was he?

He made a move on me. And, anyway, he was legal.

Oh! That is pretty low, Zara.

I don't see what the problem is.

It's not as if he's anything to you any more.

Wow, that is cheap.

Then it's perfectly in tune with the evening.

I'm going to get changed and get myself a taxi home.

If that outfit's ruined, you'll have to pay.

Bill me.

Are you all right, Karen?

Sam Purnell, Ellen Rigbey, Josh Robson. That's three tonight.

-What happened to Josh Robson? Has he gone home?

-He's been released.

What was he supposed to have done?

Let's just say he's not a very nice man.

He's out on licence, we wanted him to know we're watching him.

-A warning?

-They found a reason to bring him in.

-He's not your problem.

-What happens to Sam next?

The girl decided to drop the allegations that they slept together.

That's good. That makes it pretty straightforward.

Ish.

I'll bail her till the CPS decides

whether there's enough to charge her.

I'm not sure they'll proceed,

especially if she plays the mad card.

Mad?

Well, the mental health card.

There's no card to play. She's got massive psychological issues.

Course she has. My money's on a caution.

You're so understanding, aren't you?

Tell me, have you got anything about you that you wouldn't want

people to know about, just in case they...misjudge.

Me? Nah. Straight as an arrow normal, me.

We're all straight as an arrow normal, aren't we?

Until we're not.

Well, we must do this again, sometime.

By the way, I'm going to need those outfits.

I will never again speak to anyone who mentions this evening.

The only positive thing is that it's over.

If you are here for the interview,

then give us a moment, we're just working out a schedule.

It is painfully clear that last night was your chance

to have a good laugh at my expense.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that they ever thought to invite you.

I always order too much in those places.

Best to share, really.

They give you a doggy bag.

MRS TEMBE: Whatever you are feeling, this is not the answer.