Finding Alfie Doctors

MUSIC: "Dancing In The Dark" by Bruce Springsteen

Alfie?

Just going out.

But what about breakfast?

I'm not that hungry right now.

We always have breakfast. It's what we do.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Tell you what, have something to eat, then I'll drop you off.

I've had an idea for your birthday.

If they persist, come back.

But as I said, I think it's probably just caused by stress.

Sorry for wasting your time. Search headache on the net,

and a million hits for "brain tumour" come up.

-Kevin, hi!

-Hello.

What a lovely surprise. I didn't know you worked here.

I mean, if I did, we could have met sooner.

It's me, Lally.

Lally...

You don't even remember her name? Shame on you, Dr Tyler.

Did he give you his number and promise to call, but never did?

LovelyLally365?

I'm sorry, I don't know what that means.

I know I don't look identical to my profile picture, but come on.

You're Kevin Tyler - favourite film, The Hangover.

Inception.

Fave singer, JT.

Jay Z.

OK, well, the biggest love in your life is Birmingham City.

I'm sorry, I'm more into cars than football.

Clearly, this is none of my business,

but she knows you from somewhere.

Where did you meet? Pub, nightclub?

FindTheRightMate.co.uk

A dating site?

I'm not on a dating site!

-You are!

-There's no need to be embarrassed,

I hear they're all the rage these days.

Personally, I'd rather stick pins in my eyes, but...

Don't you have patients to see, Dr Carmichael?

Look, I'm sorry to disappoint,

but you've clearly got me confused with somebody else.

But we IM'd each other this morning!

-IM'd?

-Instant messaged. You were very annoyed,

because your flatmate finished all your Honey Flakes.

I don't have a flatmate!

OK, we appear to be going round in circles here.

Now, there has clearly been some kind of mix-up.

-You think?

-I don't see how.

What?

Why don't we get Lally to show us the dating site?

-Now?

-No time like the present.

-Why not?

-Marvellous. Well, come on, then!

So I was thinking.

For your main present, we could go away somewhere. You, me.

A holiday.

No!

Get some sun? When was the last time we had a break?

How many times? Driving lessons.

I want driving lessons.

I told you, you've got me to run you about.

Dad, I'm going to be 21 tomorrow!

Tell you what. Why don't I ask Dr Kenwright?

See what he thinks.

Highway Code rule 200. Choose an appropriate place to manoeuvre.

If you need to turn your vehicle around,

wait until you find a safe place.

Don't reverse or turn round in a busy road. Find a side road

-or go round a block of side streets.

-Alfie...

-Highway Code rule 159.

Before moving off, use all mirrors to check the road is clear.

Look round to check the blind spots and signal if necessary

before moving out. Look round for a final check. Rule...

All right, I get the picture.

You know the Highway Code.

Doesn't mean you can drive a car, though. I need to speak to Dr...

-What's up?

-You treat me like a kid!

Alfie.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello. Yes.

OK. Great. Goodbye.

I need to go now.

Who was that?

-A friend.

-Can your friend not wait till you've finished your breakfast?

I've had enough.

-I'll drop you off.

-Dad!

OK, OK.

Have a good day, mate. Love you.

Love you.

I'm going into town later if you need anything?

No. I don't need anything.

I'll see you.

LovelyLally365.

And the password...?

Come on, no need to be shy.

-KevinOne.

-Oh, for crying out...

It's not you! I have a bit of a thing for Kevin...Spacey.

Yeah, right.

KevinOne.

Here we go.

Now, there should be a couple of e-mails from you

in my inbox.

And if you click on one, it'll take you to his page.

-What the...?

-Told you I wasn't bonkers.

You cannot deny that that is you.

This is unbelievable. Someone's set up a fake account.

This really isn't you?

No!

I've been talking to this guy online for days.

I feel sick. I mean, what kind of person does this?

Some kind of warped psychopath. Probably been watching both of you.

Outside your house, following you around university.

Doesn't bear thinking about.

I should imagine my next appointment is here. It's been fun!

Ignore her. She's winding you up.

What if she's right?

He's got your stubbornness, love - I'll tell you that.

Why go to all this effort? I just don't get it.

Come on...pick up.

Probably quicker to e-mail them.

Good idea.

Imagine if you two actually met. That'd be weird.

Yeah, right.

-I could arrange it.

-What?

I could arrange to meet him. For lunch.

And you could just happen to be there?

Think he'd show? Wouldn't that blow his whole cover and everything?

He was going to have to come clean at some point.

A covert operation. I like it...

OK, let's do it.

-It's my son's. He came in to see you yesterday.

-What's his name?

It's odd, because I'm the one who takes him to the doctor.

-Always have done.

-Mr Abbot...

Sorry, Alfie. Alfie Abbot - you've probably got him down as Alfred.

OK, how can I help you?

Is he sick?

I'm afraid I can't...

He hardly touched his breakfast this morning.

That's not like him. It's his routine.

And he doesn't break routine, so you see, there must be something wrong.

I'm really sorry, but patient confidentiality...

I can't divulge that information.

He can't be that sick, though, can he,

because you're a nurse, no offence...

If he was really ill, he'd have seen a doctor, right?

-Unless you were taking blood for tests.

-Mr Abbot...

-Please.

-I'm sure if you just spoke to him....

You know he has Asperger's, right?

Then why was he here?

I really am sorry.

Well, thanks! Thanks a lot.

What are you doing?

If he clocks me, he'll know it's a trap, won't he?

So what are you going to do, then?

-What?

-When he actually turns up, what are you going to do?

Lally!

Come on, pal, show yourself.

I'll teach you.

Really?

Yeah!

Thank you.

My dad's going out today.

You've got an empty.

An empty what?

An empty house, Alfie.

Yes, that's what I said.

So we'll have "coffee" round yours, then.

I don't like coffee.

We won't really have coffee. It means...

Thank you.

I'm sure it's perfectly clean.

Do you know how much bacteria exists in the Earth's atmosphere?

Five million trillion trillion. That's a 5 with 30 zeroes.

That cutlery could have been lying here all morning, attracting...

OK, OK, I believe you.

Think it's a no-show.

He must have clocked us.

-Amateur.

-Maybe not a complete waste of time, though?

I mean, as we're here, we could do something really crazy,

like have lunch?

At the same table, even? Mental, I know.

And you're paying!

Students!

Two glasses of tap water and some breadsticks please, waiter.

Is that all I'm worth, Dr Tyler?

Alfie?

Are you in, mate?

So I walked out, quickly. Never went back.

That's brilliant.

It really wasn't!

So come on, what's your most embarrassing moment?

I've got nothing that tops that, mate.

Mate?

So you and fake Kev? What did you talk about?

All the small talk you start off with

when you're getting to know someone.

What you'd do if you won the lottery,

where you'd go travelling, that sort of thing.

But those sites, I thought they were for people who couldn't get dates.

-You must be fighting them off!

-That's really sweet.

It cuts out all the nonsense.

You spot someone and if you fancy them, you start talking.

None of the "do they like me, don't they like me" rubbish.

So how come you two never met up, if you got on so well?

He kept saying he was busy with work. Makes sense now.

I feel really stupid.

You're not stupid.

I shouldn't be saying this, but I think you're kind of...

-Kind of?

-Hot.

Thank you, Kevin.

You know you said your house was empty,

and I said we could have coffee?

I thought we might...

What the hell's going on?

Dad.

I should really be going. But this has been fun.

Yeah. Yeah, it has.

Dad!

I thought you were ill, Alfie, really ill.

-Why?

-You went to see that nurse.

How do you know?

Did she give you all these so you could...

Mr Abbot...

And you want me to trust you,

treat you like an adult...no, it's not going to happen.

Mr Abbot, Alfie hasn't done anything wrong.

Danny, I need you to leave. Now.

I'll be outside, OK?

I was going to tell you.

What, that you're...

Gay.

But Danny...he's your best mate.

He became more than that.

Listen - you're getting urges, that's all it is. I get that.

You're confused. A phase.

I love him.

You don't understand what love means. It's complex emotions.

And you struggle with emotions, you know you do.

Not this one, I don't!

I love him. I loved Mum.

But not you. You don't let me do anything!

Did you catch him?

No show.

It's all a bit odd, don't you think?

-What is?

-This whole Lally thing.

What do you mean?

Well, the mysterious headache/ brain tumour she had this morning.

Getting it checked out was sensible.

Not to mention last week, when she came in with a stomach upset

and was seen by Jimmi but there was nothing wrong.

Likewise the week before, when she had a foot problem.

-And she was fine.

-What are you trying to say?

-Nothing.

OK. Good.

Just think it's a bit odd, that's all.

All this fake Kevin business, these pointless appointments.

She's a victim in all this as well.

OK.

You like her!

-Don't.

-Yes, you do, you tart!

Just remember, she is a patient, so if this thing progresses...

She'll have to find another GP, I know.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got work to do.

PHONE RINGS

Hey, you.

Hiya. You OK?

Really good, thanks.

Good.

So I was wondering if you fancied going out for a drink later?

Are you asking me on a date?

Well, yeah, guess I am.

I'm free from six.

Excellent, I'll see you then.

Bye, Kevin.

See ya.

I'm his father, his legal guardian.

You can't give contraception without my permission.

I'm sorry, but I still can't discuss...

I found them, you know, the condoms...

So you just dish them out to anybody, yeah?

Even if they've got a mental disability?

I mean, where do you draw the line?

Generally, it depends on the patient.

We need to assess whether they understand about sex.

-Unbelievable.

-We want to make sure it's something they want to do

and that they aren't being forced into it.

If we're satisfied that's the case...

-You give them the green light to sleep about.

-Not exactly. No.

No wonder teenage pregnancy in this country is sky-high.

And Alfie...he wants to have sex, does he, with Danny?

Oh, yeah, he told me. He's gay.

That's really brave of him.

His mum and I talked about all this stuff.

What to do when he starts getting urges.

I was all geared up to talk about the birds and bees...

But not the bees and the bees?

He is 21.

It hasn't come up before now.

You know, he's never had many friends. Can't connect with people.

He got bullied because of it. And now all this.

You're worried he'll get picked on because he likes boys?

Another hurdle, isn't it?

For you or for him?

I don't even know any, you know, gay people.

We don't bite.

You? You don't look...

Like one of them?

-I meant no offence.

-It's OK.

PHONE RINGS

Excuse me.

Hello. Yeah, speaking.

Yes. He's my son.

Is he OK? I'll be right there.

-What's wrong?

-They've been in a crash.

Wow, you look great.

Not so bad yourself.

Are you coming in, then?

I didn't bring anything.

No flowers, chocolates?

-Sorry.

-I'm teasing. Drink before we head out?

Great.

TABLET DEVICE CHIRPS

Lally, you're beeping!

What the...?

I'll stick the kettle on.

I didn't want to say this at the hospital, Alfie,

but you can't jump into any old car and drive off.

We didn't. We jumped into Danny's car.

He had insurance and L plates. And he's old enough to teach.

OK, right, so what happened?

The Highway Code stipulates

the stopping distance at 30mph is 23m.

I was at least 24m when I braked.

I don't understand why I didn't stop in time.

Water on the road?

It hadn't rained for 33 hours, so, really,

precipitation shouldn't have been a factor.

Did the police come?

They asked me if I'd been drinking. I said yes.

What?

I had an orange juice with lunch. I don't know what the fuss was about.

Anyway, I blew into a tube, and they seemed OK after that.

Well, at least nobody was seriously injured, that's the main thing.

Alfie, you're out of milk.

My dad found them, the condoms.

Yes, I know, you got me in trouble!

Think I get it from my mum -

she could never hide things very well either.

I'd always find my Christmas presents.

He will get used to it, you know. Trust me.

It's OK.

They wouldn't tell me anything at the hospital,

because I wasn't a relative. I looked everywhere.

I only got a couple of scratches.

But, Danny, your car... I'm really sorry.

Hey, it doesn't matter. OK. That doesn't matter, not one bit.

I'm just glad... glad you're not hurt.

Hope you like red.

It was you all along.

Pictures of me. Loads of them.

-You set all this up. Why?

-I'm really sorry.

Why, Lally?

I have a bit of thing for doctors.

I just wanted one picture.

But when I uploaded it, you looked so pretty.

So then I wanted some more. And it just kind of snowballed.

But the dating site?

You never talked to me.

I came into the surgery a few times, but you blanked me.

Because I didn't know you!

I thought, if we were both victims of this guy,

"fake Kevin", then we'd have something to bond over.

It'd bring us together.

Anyway, we're going to be late if we don't hurry up.

-What?

-The taxi, it's booked for now. We should probably wait outside.

Sometimes they give, like, all of five seconds before driving off.

The amount of times I've complained.

You don't honestly think we're still going out?

I said I was sorry.

Are you on any medication?

-No!

-I really think you need to talk to someone.

There's no need. We're together now.

-I'm leaving.

-I love you!

OK(!) Bye, now.

Owen.

So I just let them carry on, shall I?

Alfie having sex, drinking,

taking drugs, maybe we could look out for a gang for him to join.

Owen, he's a man. And he's sensible.

You know he is.

It might not even work out with him and Danny.

He might hurt Alfie or Alfie might hurt him.

But you have got to let him discover this for himself.

Live his own life.

If you don't, well, look at what happened today.

You've got to let go.

I can't lose him as well.

You won't.

His mum would give me a right talking to if she could.

You're doing a great job. She'd be proud.

I'd better go. You'll be fine.

So I was thinking.

How about a bit of famous Owen Abbot chilli con carne tonight? Few beers.

Fancy that, Danny?

My dad makes amazing chilli.

I'd like that.

But dinner comes with strict conditions applied.

I teach my boy how to drive from now on. OK?

But, Dad, please, no Bruce Springsteen.

It might make me crash again!

Hey! Don't diss The Boss!

Ladies.

-Oi!

-Trust me, I need it.

Ah, the date. Zara was telling me.

-So how was LovelyLally365?

-More LoopyLally999.

You were right. It was her all along.

She set the whole thing up.

-I knew it!

-Go on, mock all you want.

Serves you right for hitting on anything with a pulse.

Hey! She cracked on to me.

Anyway, it's the last time I date a stranger.

-So whose round is it? BOTH:

-Yours!

Hi, can I get another?

Hi. What are you drinking?

He'll never learn, will he?

And he's giving her our wine!

No, thank you, he's paying!

Doc! The other guy?

Yeah, he's next on my list.

Yeah. Be careful.

It's Gavin!

It's my Gavin and his stupid wife!

Tell me about Jack and Immie.

How do you mean?

How do they feel about the way you exclude them from your life?