Dorian Blue Doctors

Oh! Um...

Sorry. I didn't realise anyone else was...

That's OK, I was just flexing my glutes. I'm Nathan.

Penny.

You're a bit casual for a burglar, aren't you, Penny?

Oh! Um...

I'm Dorian's friend.

Really? Where is he? The old dog!

He's upstairs.

Right. Cosy.

Well, make yourself at home!

-Delivery.

-Yes, I heard that.

"The Prank Palace dot com"? You planning a career in comedy?

They're just some props for my breastfeeding seminar on Friday.

Really?

Yes, Daniel! Why d'you think I'm so stressed?!

I've got to make breastfeeding seem fun and funky

-to a room of pram-faced teenagers...

-I'm sure you'll be marvellous.

Well, I will, but don't you open that!

Don't you open that! Daniel!

-Are you happy now?

-Yeah.

I was beginning to think you'd graduate without ever getting laid.

-Oh, thanks!

-Well, it has been a bit of a wasteland

-and I'm NOT talking TS Eliot. Your love life.

-Ha-ha!

So, how d'you meet?

Did she just leave her card in a phone box?

My English seminar group, actually. British Romanticism.

Oh, how appropriate!

And d'you mind putting some clothes on?

I didn't tell her my flatmate was an exhibitionist.

Hey! She undressed me with her bedroom eyes.

Well, come on then! Let's have all the gory details! How was it?

-None of your business.

-That good, eh?

Oh! Think I need a cold shower!

Anyway, shouldn't you be downstairs cooking her breakfast?

You might be able to get your leg over again!

If you're lucky!

-Thanks for the lift.

-I'll pick you up later, then?

I'll drive us to the therapy session?

-What?

-So, you are definitely coming then?

I said I would, didn't I?

-I'll pick you up at 1:30, yeah?

-Great.

-Did you find everything OK?

-Yes, thanks.

I don't think I've ever seen a guy's bathroom

-with so many products in it.

-That's Nathan.

I'm surprised he's got any skin left, he scrubs it that often!

-Thanks for last night...

-Thanks for coming over...

Sorry. After you.

Thanks for letting me stay.

And for helping me structure that essay.

Right.

I guess, I better make a move...

Let you get on.

-I'll see you later

-Yeah.

-Oh!

-Sorry!

-Bye.

-Bye.

-Bye.

Aye, aye, tiger! How did it go?

Yeah, great.

She's quite fit, actually.

Not in an obvious way. Sort of...

-sort of 'brainy fit', if that makes any sense?

-It doesn't.

Well, if you need me out of the way tonight, mate, it's not a problem.

You've vacated often enough for me.

-What else are you doing today?

-Nothing much.

Oh, yeah? Recovering from last night's exertions, eh?

I'm happy for you, mate. I really am.

You know, I like her.

She's got nice eyes.

"My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun".

Is that a poem?

It's a sonnet we were discussing last night.

-Oh no! You've got it bad, mate! Right! Laters!

-Bye.

It's just that I've just never done anything like this before...

Fish out of surgery water...

It's just another Howard Bellamy PR exercise. Don't sweat it.

-Besides, you're Irish...

-So?

So, you can talk people's socks up and down!

When you're not 'foighting' or eating potatoes, to be sure!

Wow! That's funny because I'll probably be too busy River Dancing

or drinking Guinness to do much 'foighting'.

Hand some of these out.

Self-examination checklist for testicular cancer.

It's about time some of these lads got more intimate

-with their meat and two veg.

-Charming!

And if you have time, take them over to the modesty booth.

That way you can show them how to self-examine, on the spot.

Good morning! Why not treat yourself?

Ah! Did I just say that?

I might be wrong, but I doubt she's got testicles, Kevin.

Excuse me? Nathan?

Hang on. You all right?

-Sorry to interrupt.

-That's all right.

Didn't know you worked out here.

-Nathan, can I ask you something?

-Yeah.

-You know Dorian...well, don't you?

-Yeah.

-How well?

-We're best mates.

How long have you known him?

Day one of uni, we were on the same corridor at halls.

Right, so he confides in you?

About... stuff?

Penny, what's this all about?

Is he gay?

NATHAN LAUGHS

I don't see why it's so funny!

Dorian is definitely NOT gay!

-But how can you be sure?

-Because I am.

-So, I think my gaydar's pretty accurate!

-You?

And Dorian's seen me in the buff often enough and shown ZERO interest

so I'm pretty sure his interests lie elsewhere...

-But I thought YOU were straight!

-Thank you.

Why am I so rubbish at telling the difference?

Perhaps you need the spotters guide?

So, come on, fellas,

when was the last time you checked your testicles for lumps, eh?

It only takes a minute... And your girlfriend can help...

There's no judgment,

have a read and if you've any questions, I'll be back in a sec.

Can I get more leaflets? I can't believe how busy it is. Thank you.

Can I interest you in our Wellman Clinic?

I was just saying, if your girlfriend is involved

it's healthy and fun to check your testicles, so help yourselves, guys.

Brilliant, I'm here if you need anything, all right?

How can you think Dorian's gay when you spent last night together?

Surely that's a pretty good indication!

But we didn't....

I came over for a study session and when it got a little bit late,

Dorian very gallantly offered me his bed.

He slept on the couch. More's the pity.

The thing is, I really like Dorian.

But whenever there's an opportunity for any sort of physical intimacy,

he just... freezes.

-We've never even kissed.

-Seriously?

I assumed you'd done the deed! Dorian didn't deny it.

-Maybe he just doesn't fancy me?

-Oh, shut up! Of course he does!

So what do I do now?

Just hang on. He's a good bloke, he's worth holding out for.

And he likes you A LOT. I'm sure of that.

So, we're offering free on-the-spot checks

-or I can give you advice on how to self-examine.

-Right.

-Have you got a spare couple of minutes now?

-I'll think about it.

Kevin? Am I doing OK?

This is all very new to me, so if you've any feedback?

You are the expert.

Right, well, if I was to nitpick, I'd would say

try not to be too "down with the kids", you know?

-It can sound quite naff.

-Oh!

Mate! You're back! Wicked!

-Excuse me. Are you a doctor?

-Um. Yes.

-Could I talk to you in private?

-Sure.

-We're offering free Wellman health checks.

-Yes, your colleague said.

Is that what you wanted to talk about?

-Goodbye, Mrs Gray.

-Thank you. Goodbye.

-Karen...?

11:15, if that's any good?

It's probably just a bit of colic.

It usually goes after three or four months.

But if you need any advice, just pop in and see me, OK?

Bye.

Great! We'll see you on Monday, then. Bye.

Mandy? I have to prepare this presentation about breastfeeding

for some teenage mums on Friday.

I was wondering if I could pick your brains?

-You're so good.

-Are you joking? After what happened the last time?

Zara, you wanted me?

Yes, I need a clear hour kept absolutely free,

so I can prepare for my presentation. I have already booked it.

-How's it going?

-Yes, really well, thanks.

Who's she kidding?

She's asking for your help, she must be desperate...

It's a joke!

Mill Health Centre.

So, there appears to be no irregularities.

But it's always a good idea to do monthly checks at home.

Just follow the steps we discussed.

And... what about other lumps?

Sorry?

If I found a lump somewhere else.

How would I know if it was cancerous? What should I look for?

It depends on where it is on the body.

MOBILE RINGS

Sorry.

-Penny, hi.

-'Hey. How are you?'

-Fine. You?

I was just wondering if you were free later?

I've got a lecture at two,

but then maybe if you were free we could go for a coffee?

-Yeah, sure.

-Great. See you later.

-Was that your girlfriend?

-Is that any of your business?

Hello.

Hello, everyone.

My name...

My name is Dr Carmichael. And I am a mother, too

and I'm here to tell you that when it comes to feeding,

breast really is best...

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Look, I told you I'm not to be disturbed!

-It's Mandy.

Oh. Come in!

-How's it going?

-Yeah, really great.

If you still need help I could spare half an hour over lunch?

OK.

Yes! OK.

Dor? Dor?

Dor?

-Get out!

-What are you doing?

I said GET OUT!

What are you doing? Writing your memoirs?

I'm just making a few notes for the session.

-I'll see you next week.

-Hi, Anna.

Hi! You're keen!

-This is Rob.

-Hi.

-Hello.

-Nice to meet you.

-We didn't want to be late.

-OK.

I've actually just got a couple of calls to make.

There's a coffee machine round the corner. All right?

-D'you want a coffee?

-No, no, no. I'm wired enough!

Thank you for coming.

Next time you barge in my room, d'you mind knocking first?

Look, sorry, it was open.

What's going on, mate? What's all that bandaging?

I don't want to talk about it, OK?

First you lied to me about sleeping with Penny.

-Now you're acting even more weird.

-Just leave it, will you?

-I thought you liked her.

-I do.

Then why give her the cold shoulder? Makes no sense.

Because she'd go off me, wouldn't she, if...

-If what?

-If she saw me naked.

You're a bit overweight. Instead of bleating about it, get down the gym.

-This isn't about my WEIGHT, OK?

-No, course it's not.

I have breasts, Nathan!

NATHAN LAUGHS

Oh, come on!

Right, we have got 'celebrities' who've said it's cool to breastfeed.

-Trite, but effective.

-Mmm-hmm. Weight loss.

-500 calories a day.

-Convenience.

Not having to faff around with formula. Plus, it saves money.

Good. I think that's all I need.

What? That's it?

These are teenagers. They've got the attention span of a gnat.

Good. Sorted.

Zara, why am I here?

Well, because...

because you're going to be more easily able

to relate to the background these girls come from.

Help me to communicate with them.

Oh, I get it. You want to talk like the common people!

-I'm just saying.

-You patronising...!

You're unbelievable.

What?! There's no need to be so sensitive!

So, just read through this and come back if you have any questions.

Dorian? What's happened?

-Can I talk to you?

-Of course.

I've never told anyone this before. Now my flatmate knows.

-He walked in on me...

-It's OK. Take your time.

It's my chest. During puberty, it developed abnormally.

I should have seen a doctor then, but...

It looks like I have breasts.

I started binding it when I was a teenager.

The only way I could lose my virginity was by keeping my top on,

so they were covered. No one's seen me naked.

I can't imagine they'd want to sleep with me if they had.

I'm sure that's not true, Dorian.

You're being incredibly hard on yourself.

I've had years of practice.

You're not hiding now, you've told me. What's changed?

I've found a lump.

So, I thought it might be useful to start this session

by asking how you feel about the process.

What are your thoughts and expectations?

Rob, would you like to go first?

Um. Well. As you probably know,

I was a little bit reticent about this.

But I do now realise that Karen is right.

We can't solve this situation on our own.

So, here we are.

And do you have any questions about the process itself?

I wanted to ask you about confidentiality.

OK.

Well, I do write notes after each session,

which remain here under lock and key.

Otherwise, confidentiality can only be breached,

if there's any concern or danger to the client

or any other people involved

or any safeguarding issues concerning children.

Yeah. Of course. And the sessions themselves, how are they structured?

Well, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy tends to operate

on a more freeform basis.

I've made a list of things I think we should cover...

Rob! You're not giving evidence.

It's OK.

It's actually really helpful that you've spent time

thinking about the session beforehand, but,

just for the moment, let's see where the conversation takes us.

Then we can always come back to your notes later.

Yeah. Sure.

The lump's just here.

Why did my chest develop like this?

Bodies come in all shapes and sizes.

I've tried losing weight, but it makes no difference.

It's hormones that influence breast development.

-Is it painful?

-No.

It feels to me like nothing more than a small cyst,

probably a build up of fluid. I'm sure it's benign,

but we can do more tests to make certain.

You did the right thing by coming and getting it checked.

And my chest? Is there any treatment available?

Can I have surgery?

Do you mind if I speak to my colleague?

Just ask his opinion? While you get dressed?

Sure.

MOBILE BEEPS

I feel like I'm in no man's land.

It's really difficult trying to be part of a family

that you hardly know.

Especially when you've got so few memories to draw on

Yeah.

Well, maybe, Rob, you could help Karen fill in some of those gaps?

She just needs to spend more time with them.

-I spent a day with Immie!

-And how was that?

It was good, it was hard.

We got on, but more as mates.

I didn't feel like her mum or anything,

-but there was that moment...

-It was just one day, Karen!

Yeah, well, I'll see her again!

And what about Jack? You haven't spoken to him.

I'm going to!

It's...

-What?

-Nothing!

I've got an idea.

An exercise which I think might be really helpful.

Rob, I want you to imagine that you've got to do

a kind of business-like presentation for Karen,

about what Jack and Immie are like as people.

As if Karen's about to meet them for the very first time.

-Yep. Sure.

-Great.

Great.

It's actually not uncommon in young men. It's called Gynecomastia.

It's caused by a hormone imbalance during puberty.

Dr Tyler thinks it might be the binding that's caused the lump.

-Really?

-It's just a hunch.

But long-term compression of the breast tissue

might cause side effects. We'd need to run more tests.

I can't stop binding. No way.

OK, well the good news is, there are various treatments.

Medication for the hormone imbalance

and even fairly non-invasive lipo surgery

to reduce the size of the breasts.

And would my body look absolutely normal afterwards?

I don't know what 'normal' looks like, Dorian.

We all have hang-ups about our bodies.

I know that the images we see around us make us think

we have to look a certain way in order to fit in.

But letting people into your life is about seeing beyond that.

People are so much more than flesh and bone.

-But you've not actually said what they're like.

-I've just said!

No, you've just described them to me!

I don't need a photofit! I know what they look like!

What else do you need to know, Karen?

Erm, what makes them tick?

What's my relationship like with them?

Rob?

Right. Right.

Immie is... She's just Immie.

She's always campaigning for something,

whether it be animal rights or poverty in Africa.

Jack's always got some money-making scheme on the go.

And a different girlfriend every five minutes.

They're just like every other kid in their early twenties!

-Is that it?

-What d'you want me to say, Karen?!

Spend some time with them and find out for yourself!

I KNEW this would happen!

OK, OK. Let's try a different approach.

Let's talk about the day you spent with Immie.

Maybe we can use that as a springboard.

Thanks.

And thanks for listening.

I've spent years keeping this secret,

-so, today's been a new experience.

-For me, too.

Medical school can only prepare you for so much.

The rest is thinking on your feet or taking the weight OFF your feet!

So, this girl you were on the phone to earlier...

-Penny.

-Do you like her?

Or more importantly, are you going to give her

the opportunity to like you?

I just wish I could have my head on somebody else's body.

Can I get that done on the NHS?

Oh no! Here comes Bob the Bodybuilder!

-I've been looking everywhere for you!

-You found me.

Look, I'm sorry about earlier.

I didn't mean to be insensitive... But... why didn't you tell me?

-I would have understood.

-Please! Nathan, you're a total body fascist.

-How could I confide in you?

-Because we're best mates!

How could you possibly understand how I'm feeling?

-You've got the perfect body...

-D'you think I've always looked like this?

-Probably.

-When I was at school, I wasn't bullied for being gay

but for being a fat kid. The only reason I've got this body now

is because I worked my backside off to get it,

to finally like myself and have some form of self-respect!

I might not be half as intelligent as you are,

but I'd like to think I'm nowhere near as shallow

-as you give me credit for!

-Nathan?!

Great. Could today get any worse?

It could get a whole lot better.

Doesn't Nathan prove my point?

You misjudged him. Don't do the same thing to Penny.

So, you enjoyed your time together. You found some common ground?

(Yeah.)

And did Immie talk much about your relationship?

As a family, she said we were close.

She sang your praises.

Did she? Was she drunk?

Not at that point. No. Why?

I'm joking and that's nice and true.

But it wasn't always plain sailing.

What memories DO you have of her, Karen?

A red kite in the sky.

A little girl laughing.

You remember that?

You bought her that kite.

And when they're that age, butter wouldn't melt.

-She made up for it later!

-What d'you mean?

When she was a teenager.

Among other things, she got caught shoplifting. A lot.

It's fine. We dealt with it.

How?

By making a lot of difficult decisions.

I think it's best if we leave that there.

I think we've probably taken this as far as we can today.

What about Jack?

Doesn't he get a look in?

When ARE you going to speak to him?

-I don't know.

-He is your child as well!

I spoke to him at the hospital.

That was months ago!

-I didn't know who he was...

-Well, you do now!

Anna will tell you how confused I was...

Oh, come on! How difficult can it be to pick up the PHONE?

I can't.

Why NOT, Karen?

You see? It's another brick wall!

Because I kissed him!

-Er, Penny?

-Oh, hi! See you later.

-D'you want to grab that coffee now?

-In a sec.

Penny.

-I don't have much experience with women.

-So?

And I'm not exactly Zac Efron in the looks department.

Err, he's not my type...

What I'm trying to say is, if you'd rather go out

with someone from the rugby team, I'd completely understand.

Maybe Nathan could get you a few numbers...

Right. Well, I'm glad we cleared that up!

You know, funnily enough, I DID date a rugby guy last term.

He bored me to tears.

He might have had a fit bod, but he was usually

too busy admiring it himself that I never got a look in.

But, Penny, that's it. I haven't...

-Haven't what?

-Got a fit bod...

Have you just listened to a word I've just said?

I don't care about that stuff, Dorian!

You make me laugh.

I think you're intelligent and kind.

-I just wish you liked yourself a bit more.

-I am trying to!

Good, because I like you!

Besides which, you have got THE most gorgeous lips.

In fact, it really does make me wish you'd just shut up and kiss me!

Finally! It's been like 'Waiting For Godot'!

-Nath, I'm really sorry.

-It's OK.

And for goodness sake, you two, get a room!

LAUGHTER

Rob, I really think you need to see this in context.

Karen was very ill at the time, she was very confused...

Me?! YOU'RE the ones who need to see it in context!

Do you know what it's like to be rejected by your own wife,

over and over again for months on end?!

And then now I find out she's been lusting after her own son!

It wasn't like that! It was a mistake!

I'll tell you what's a mistake, THIS is a mistake!

-Rob, please. You're upset.

-You don't say!

Bend to the left.

And the right.

-Any other symptoms?

-No. it's gone.

-It's going to look well dodgy, isn't it?

-I panicked.

You can't afford to panic.

This isn't Mum's ring.

Yes it is.

No, it isn't. Hers had FIVE diamonds!

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