The Apprentice Doctors

-Good night, was it?

-I'm not late.

-Skin of your teeth.

Go on, get in.

Here.

Word of advice - when you're shadowing,

leave the partying for the weekends.

Hung-over engineers don't look good in front of customers.

Makes them twitchy.

Next thing you know you're stood over your shoulder, watching every move.

And who's to blame them?

One slip and you've reduced their house to a pile of rubble.

Now, college days, that's your business.

Missed a few lectures back in the day.

Red Line lager - shifted a fair few cans of that, I can tell you.

I don't think they make it any more. Ah, they were good times.

Karen.

Karen.

KAREN!

What did you do that for? You scared the pants off me!

-I hope that was a figure of speech.

-What do you want?

You have patients. I'm expecting a gas engineer this afternoon.

Let me know when he arrives.

-Sorry to keep you. What's your name?

-Adam.

She's even worse than usual, mooning about the place.

It's love's young dream.

Well, I wish she'd do her dreaming in her own time.

Grouch. I think it's lovely.

Right, Mrs Kingsley?

And you can't remember any specific event that might have triggered it?

Well, no, although some things do make it worse.

-Such as?

-Knitting. And I do love to knit.

But it makes my neck so sore these days,

and then I get a headache on top of all that.

And sometimes it wakes me in the middle of the night.

Doctor, I don't want to make a fuss about it,

but my son has insisted that I come to see you.

He's made me write it all down in case I forget.

He's also put all my symptoms into his mobile phone

and it said that I have osteoarthritis of the neck,

which is commonly known as cervical spondylosis.

Not that a mobile phone, of course, is any substitute

for an actual medical opinion, even if it is one of those clever phones.

It's true that those symptoms are commonly seen with that condition.

Well, who'd have thought it?

So, I will be having physiotherapy then?

Well, according to the phone.

Physiotherapy is certainly an option.

And painkillers? And there were a few other things as well,

which I've forgotten now, but not that it matters

because I'm sure you know much more about it than David's mobile phone.

Gary Matthews. Kate Ferris.

-Gazserve. We're here to service your system.

-Yeah. One second.

The gas people are here.

OK. He'll be two ticks.

Kate's an apprentice engineer. She's shadowing me today.

-Engineer?

-Girls - they get everywhere these days, eh, Kate?

When I started it was wall-to-wall blokes.

-Is there a ladies?

-Yeah, just down there.

She's a bit fragile.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Mm.

-Have you got a minute?

-Sure.

-How are you with handwriting?

-Mine's appalling. Let me show you.

No, deciphering?

A patient has very kindly written an essay on her symptoms

and I feel duty bound to read it.

-What's that word?

-Neck.

-Of course. And that one?

-Mendacious.

I don't think so. There's a P in it.

Donoghue, that's the neatest handwriting I've ever seen.

I think we can drop this pathetic attempt at subterfuge

and cut to the chase, please.

OK, you got me.

I'd like a second opinion

and I hear you're the resident genius around here.

I'm thinking cervical spondylosis,

but I wouldn't want to miss anything more serious like a tumour.

-Is she on any medication?

-Only for blood pressure.

There's nothing here that would indicate tumour.

-Any history of cancer?

-No.

Our resident genius agrees with your cervical spondylosis. Well done.

Great, thanks.

And what would be your next step in such a case?

-HE LAUGHS

-You don't know what to do.

I'd like the reassurance of your expert opinion.

Why can't you just admit you haven't got a clue.

-X-Rays? Physiotherapy?

-Mm? You asking or are you telling?

Just put me out of my misery, will you?

X-Rays, OK? They will confirm what you know.

Or in your case you don't know what you know, do you?

-Ha! Funny.

-She should see the physio.

If that doesn't work, then steroid injections.

There are loads of things that she can do to help herself.

Place like this, I'm surprised you haven't got an automated system.

Now, in my surgery, the doctors press a buzzer

-when they're ready for their next...

-This is our practice manager.

Afternoon. I was just telling Karen here about the latest developments

in patient management.

-You're the gas engineer?

-Gary Matthews, at your service.

My assistant, Kate. You get two for the price of one today.

Well, one and a half.

Right. The boiler's this way. Do you know how long it's going to take?

I'd like to keep disruption down to a minimum.

Couple of hours. We'll need to shut the system down periodically...

Now I know you're the fountain of all knowledge, you won't be able to get rid of me.

Wait till you get the invoice for my consultancy services.

-Do you take paperclips?

-No, I accept all major credit cards and beer

but I'm going to draw the line at office supplies.

-Hey.

-HE SCOFFS

-What's the story with your man?

-THEY LAUGH

-See you at lunchtime?

-Sure.

The trouble with customers is they expect miracles.

Especially his sort.

That bloke's ex-services, mark my words. NCO, probably.

You can take the man out of the Army...

-Why don't you rustle up a brew? I'm

-gasping. Now?

-Yes, now.

When I was in your boots I didn't need asking.

-Key part of the training, tea making.

-It's not that.

I haven't seen this system before.

Don't worry. I won't start the big stuff till you get back.

What good's the big stuff if I can't even get the casing off?

HE GROANS

Tell you what, we'll find the tea together.

Then I'm chucking you in the deep end.

You get to open her up. Come on.

-Afternoon.

-If you want reception, it's that way.

Nope, I can see we're in the right place.

You can't service a boiler without suitable lubrication.

Oh, Lapsang Souchong!

-Don't see that in many staffrooms.

-It's an acquired taste.

Few people appreciate its smoky richness.

Indeed.

Best thing by far to come out of the Fujian province.

Apart, perhaps, from the works of Zhu Xi.

Can't say I'm a fan of his Neo-Confucian philosophising,

although his calligraphy does have a certain elegance.

No, the tea takes it for me.

-Can I offer you a cup?

-I thought you'd never ask.

It smells like burnt socks.

Have you got regular supermarket brand?

HE SIGHS

You can take the apprentice service engineer

-to the world's greatest tea...

-But you can't make her imbibe.

I've requested an appointment with the physio at St Phil's

for a course of manual therapy.

-They're going to contact you directly.

-Thank you.

-No problem.

In the meantime there are a few things you can do for yourself.

-Exercise.

-Exercise?

-It's actually one of the most important treatments

for patients with osteoarthritis.

-Do you swim at all?

-Yes.

-Fantastic. How often a week?

I thought you were checking the power supply?

That's the flue gas analyser.

Well spotted. You passed. MOBILE RINGS

You going to get that?

Sorry about last night. Yeah, I'm OK.

Look, I'd better get going.

I'm not a baby. I'm over it, all right?

Call you later. Bye.

Kissed and made up, then?

Don't want to talk about it, fair enough.

Boyfriend trouble - sensitive area.

-One of the lads in college, is it?

-I haven't got a boyfriend.

Someone's on a short fuse today.

Karen, lunch? It's on me.

-Erm...it's a bit early.

-So when suits you?

Where's the best place to get a sarnie round here?

My assistant didn't have time to make her own this morning.

-There's a minimart down the road.

-Thanks.

You'll feel better with some carbs in you.

Soak up all that alcohol, eh?

Can you just let me finish up here. 15 minutes?

Yeah, OK. Icon it is. Two-ish.

So, there I was enjoying a glass of Chianti on the terrace...

-All right if I nab another tea?

-Be my guest.

..when this odd little man turns up on a Lambretta

and announces that he's my new gardener.

Can't say I'm a fan of Italian automotive design, personally.

-All style, no substance.

-Indeed.

So, he announces he's my new gardener...

You'd think a gardener would have a truck, wouldn't you?

I mean, a scooter is hardly practical transportation for a tradesman!

I've never given it much thought. Where was I?

Audacious new arrival making presumptions.

So, I politely inform him

that I'm perfectly happy with my current gardener...

Oh, so you already had a gardener.

..at which point he informs me that Arturo had been arrested the day

before I arrived by the polizia and carted off to the commissariato.

-Commo-sotti-ato?

-Commissariato.

-Police station.

Commissariato's Italian for police station.

-You've got a place out there, then?

-Tuscany as it happens.

And a gardener? Nice.

You want to see my garden - like a jungle, it is.

So, why did he get arrested?

Allegedly, Arturo walked into the Basilica di Santa Croce...

You look at an Italian cop the wrong way and they'll shove you in the slammer.

He's lucky it was the state police.

The Carabinieri shoot first and ask questions later.

-The Carabinieri are not as bad.

-They shot my mate's dog.

Giuseppe. Met him while he was over on an exchange programme.

He cried when he told me about it.

-He loved that dog.

-You were saying about the arrest.

Arturo walked into the Basilica di Santa Croce and attempted to deface

a Giotto fresco with a telescopic tree pruner.

Fortunately, he was disarmed by a passing bishop...

Can't say I'm a big fan of Giotto. I find his figures a bit bulky.

On that we will have to disagree.

If you'll excuse me, I have some calls to make.

Nice chap.

Maybe we should get back to work.

No, no. Don't be daft. There's ten minutes left.

Kate, if you'd like a drink, please help yourself.

-I don't like to impose.

-How refreshing.

HE SLURPS

I don't know what to have.

Better just stick with the pasta.

-How's Imogen?

-She's fine.

I gave her some money to tide her over.

-You went to London, then?

-That's what parents do.

-Her purse didn't show up?

-No, she'll never see that again.

She's had to cancel all her credit cards.

Actually, the bank's been very helpful but still...

-What about the police?

-I had a word with them,

but a missing purse is not exactly high on their priority list.

I'm sorry I've not been answering your texts.

I've had a lot to think about.

All these months have been about getting you back...

..but it's not as simple as that any more, is it?

Hello again. I've got a medical mystery for you.

It's not really convenient.

-I've been having some funny symptoms recently, on and off.

-I suggest you speak to your doctor.

I would, only it's been so busy I haven't got round to it.

Anyway, as I find myself here with your good self,

I thought I'd save myself a journey and see if you could shed some light...

-It's not my place to comment.

-Promise I won't sue if you screw up.

-I really can't help you.

-Fair enough.

That villa of yours - don't suppose you rent it out?

Didn't get away with the missus last year.

-I'd love to surprise her with a fortnight somewhere classy.

-My villa is not available for rent.

Tell you what, do us a good deal and I'll throw in a free service.

-I think I've made my position clear.

-All right, I'll fit a carbon monoxide monitor as well, gratis.

-NO!

-All right, keep your hair on!

How dare you speak to me like that! Your behaviour is completely inappropriate.

-If you don't ask you don't get.

-You have no right to ask for anything.

Ever since you got here, you've been swanning around

like you own the place! Now, you have a service to perform.

I suggest you do your job and you let me do mine!

I've been thinking about our future.

I mean, don't get me wrong, the dating's been nice, it really has.

But long term...where are we going?

-Can't we just take it day by day?

-No, no, no, Karen, I can't.

Not any more, Karen. It's like living on a knife edge.

You haven't got a past.

-I've now realised that's too daunting.

-I don't...

-What do you mean?

-We can't have a normal life

because we come from such different places.

-I'm a parent.

-And I'm not?

Not in any meaningful way.

You don't have an emotional connection to the kids.

I mean, what if Immie wants to move back home after university,

and Jack for that matter? Both of them?

One day they'll probably get married and have kids.

Are you all right with being a granny?

No, I didn't think so.

I'm trying to get my head round it, honest.

My therapist is really helping.

She thinks it would be a good idea if we saw her together.

Don't know what's got into that doctor.

One minute we're best buddies, next thing he's snapping my head off!

-What's wrong? Did you have a shock?

-Don't be stupid!

I isolated the power supply.

You're giving me the creeps, breathing down my neck.

I sorry, I didn't mean...

-Take no notice of me.

-Your voice...

Throat's a bit tight.

Go make us a cuppa.

Anna's really helping, she's got some great ideas.

She's thinks that we should be talking about the children - not like when they were kids,

as they are now, so I can get used to the idea.

-I suppose that's a start.

-It's a really, really good start.

And it would better if you came with.

It's just not my thing.

C'mon, Rob. For me, for us.

Please, please, can we try?

We can talk about the kids any time

without some airy fairy therapist sticking her nose in.

Oh, yeah! And that's worked really well so far(!)

I make one offhand comment about Imogen

and you don't speak to me for days.

Would it be all right if I made him another cup of tea?

Oh, right. He's sent his deputy to do his dirty work.

I'm sorry if he offended you.

-He honestly doesn't realise he's being over-familiar.

-I think he realises now.

Dr Carter, I don't suppose you noticed anything odd

when he came to see you?

Apart from the overweening sense of entitlement? No, I didn't.

His voice didn't sound a bit slurred to you?

Young lady, if your boss has a sore throat,

I would advise him to stop pestering his clients.

-Litterbug.

-It's for the pigeons!

-Vermin.

One man's vermin is another man's prizewinning treasure.

I've a mate back home who takes his pigeons to the pub.

Pigeons are disease-ridden pests, promiscuous too.

Speak your mind, why don't you?

Always do. It's my defining quality.

-I thought that was your unbounded genius.

-That too.

Thanks for earlier.

My patient's well impressed with your self-help stuff.

You've restored my credibility.

For a minute there I was in danger of being outdone by a mobile phone.

What do you mean?

Her son's got some app that diagnoses medical conditions.

I'm going to get a get hold of that, for realsies.

At what point did you suspect cervical spondylosis?

To be honest, after she suggested it.

And was that before or after you discussed her symptoms?

-After, pretty much.

-Can I ask you a question?

-Fire away.

What are the risk factors?

I just hate the idea.

Just because you think it's a bad idea doesn't mean it is.

She'll want to talk about my dad and my childhood,

-just like Elaine Cassidy did.

-No, she won't.

-She will.

She'll go digging around in the past, dragging up ancient history.

Our problems aren't there, they're here and now!

No, it's not like that. Anna's really practical.

I wouldn't ask if I didn't think it would make a difference.

Do you think that we could tackle this on our own?

Are you prepared to walk away?

So there's your answer.

You don't even have a baseline understanding.

How on earth do you get to this point of your career

-with such a gaping gap in your knowledge?

-It's a long story.

Don't tell me, you bought your degree off some man in a pub?

I feel like a fraud, but it's not quite that bad.

How bad is it?

I didn't really get the training wheels off at my previous practice.

My mentor did everything for me.

He was just awful at delegating.

No, Niamh, this goes far deeper than your GP training.

You don't have a fundamental understanding

of THE major degenerative joint condition.

-You're not going to shop me, are you?

-Do I look like a snitch?

What are you doing this evening?

I was going to come back and feed the vermin.

-Nothing that can't be cancelled.

-Good. Clear the decks.

-Prepare yourself for Al Haskey's arthritis masterclass.

-Really?

Gary?

You all right?

Gary?

I'm fine.

Here. Check the combustion performance.

-But...

-What? You're always bugging me to do stuff.

I need some fresh air!

You're supposed to supervise me.

Can't I have five minutes on my own?

Tomorrow? No, no, that's fine.

The sooner the better, before he changes his mind...

-Excuse me.

-No, I'll make sure he's there.

Just don't ask him about his dad. Thanks, Anna.

-You're not...

-Get a doctor.

It's my boss. I think he's having a stroke.

Gary, I understand you're not feeling very well.

-Then you understand wrong.

-Gary, you're not right.

What do you know?

You're a flaming apprentice engineer and I'm not a boiler!

-You keep dropping stuff.

-I spilled my tea, that's all!

-Please, let Dr Carter examine you.

I wouldn't want to waste any more of his precious time.

Please, Dr Carter. He's got muscle weakness,

and I think he's having vision problems too.

-Gary, is this right?

-My eyes are playing up a bit.

I'd like to examine you. It'll only take a few minutes.

I'll make an appointment to see my own doctor tomorrow.

You will not. You will come inside now.

OK?

I see Heston's new best friend has managed to bag himself a consult.

-Does that man's cheek know no bounds?

-He's had a funny turn.

Probably lack of oxygen,

forgetting to breathe in between dispensing pearls of wisdom.

I know he can be annoying but he's a really good boss.

It actually might be quite serious. A stroke.

Kate, I'm so sorry. Please, come and sit down.

Cup of tea?

-And relax.

-That's no good, is it?

OK. You mentioned a health problem earlier?

Don't know if you'd call it that exactly.

I came over all weird playing football with our Liam and his mates.

-And when was this?

-Last Sunday.

-Describe your symptoms.

My eyes were acting up and I couldn't throw in for toffee.

Had trouble running in a straight line too.

Don't like to blow my own trumpet

but I had a trial once with Bolton Wanderers

and there I was kicking thin air with a bunch of 12-year-olds laughing their socks off.

Did you see a doctor?

I was right as rain by Monday so I didn't see much point.

Right. I think what you suffered was a transient ischemic attack.

A partial loss of blood and oxygen to part of the brain.

So I'm having another one of them now?

-Either that or a fully blown stroke.

-A stroke?

The vision, speech and muscle weakness are classic indicators.

Must get you seen at the hospital.

Al, just the man...

You seem to be getting on well with our new member of staff.

-She's settling in well?

-Yeah, she's all right.

Good, good. The patients seem to like her.

If her medical skills are up to scratch,

-I think we're onto a winner there.

-Yeah.

She has the makings of a great doctor.

A moment of your time.

Will he be OK?

He's getting treatment at an early stage,

which gives him the best possibility of a recovery.

You were very good to pick up on the symptoms.

Have you done a first aid course?

My grandad had a stroke a few years back.

By the time he got help, it was too late.

I was with him a couple of hours before.

If I'd spotted something was wrong...

-You mustn't blame yourself.

-I did though.

After that I read up on everything I could find on the symptoms -

that's how I knew about the rarer ones.

Well, it's fortunate for Gary that you did. You ready?

Flaming Norah! You look in a worse state than me!

-I'm so sorry...

-Hey, cheer up.

I'm the one having a medical...medjical crisis.

-And nobody's died - yet.

-Gary!

Have you fixed that boiler yet?

I called the office. They're sending Terry over.

Thank you. And don't let him give you any stick.

-I'm coming to the hospital with you!

-Oh, no, you're not.

You're needed here for the big stuff. I'll be testing you.

-Please!

-Man up, Ferris.

We'll have to go for a few bevvies once my head's sorted.

You'll have to come as well, Dr Carter.

I bet you're a single malt man. I know a great bar...

-The ambulance is here.

-Thank you, Karen.

All right, if you've got any more questions about Niamh's progress,

I think you should probably speak to Niamh.

Well, I'll be eliciting her views at the appropriate time.

-How do you feel about mentoring?

-Mentoring?

It's always tough being the new kid on the block.

Having an experienced member of staff onside always helps.

You want me to mentor Niamh?

It wouldn't be official, but, yes.

How do you feel about that?

I feel good. Yeah, let's do it.

Excellent. I've never seen anybody so happy to take on extra work.

Unlike me!

You're not sweet on her, are you?

-What are you implying?

-Nothing.

No, no, no. Come on, Howard, spit it out before you choke on it.

I just don't want any more difficulties of the Jas variety...

You are kidding me! I was cleared of any wrongdoing!

You'd do well to remember that I saved the day.

It still got messy.

-It's about trust.

-Trust!

I am perfectly capable of mentoring a colleague,

and if you don't trust me then the shortcoming is all yours, Howard!

-Oh, erm...

-I was wondering if I could pick your brains?

-You're so...

-Are you joking? After what happened the last time?

I have made a list of things that I think we should cover.

Rob, you're not giving evidence.

Yes, Daniel, why do you think I'm so stressed?

I'm sure you'll be marvellous...

Well, I will, but don't you open that!