Modern Family Doctors

Why aren't you at college?

On my way now.

Hi-five, Baby Cranson.

-Did you get a better night last night?

-No...

but I'm fine.

Are you still kick boxing?

That and the odd star jump.

Mum says it's normal.

-Oi, Connor!

-Lucky you!

Hey, Dad. I've not seen you in ages. Where have you been?

All right, Livvy.

Fancy a lift to college, son? I've got some time on my hands.

No, I'm all right.

Shouldn't you be working?

I've got some deliveries near the college, as it happens.

That's some weight you're going to have to lose, kid.

I phoned your mum this morning. She was telling me about...

-Actually, I will have that lift, thanks.

-No problem.

-Saves me getting the bus. See you later.

-Bye.

-Can you drop me off at the doctor's first?

-You OK?

Yeah, yeah. Just want to ask them something.

-Hey, congratulations on Leeds, son!

-Yeah, thanks.

Fantastic news. Really proud of you.

I think it's great you're doing this session.

You've changed your tune.

I'm being supportive.

The Churchill needs things like this.

And I thought you could use these.

We were just going to give them to charity anyway, weren't we?

-I'm talking breast-feeding, Daniel. Not parenting.

-Same thing.

Anyway, I've got comedy breasts and goody bags. What could possibly go wrong?

Yes, what could possibly go wrong!

-What happened to "Supportive Daniel"?

-You taking those?

Well... I promised Jade she could try them on if she attended the session.

Don't you dare tell Mandy!

Have you got pens for the white board?

What? They're bound to have them there.

Now I AM nervous. Will you please just go to work?

All right, goodbye and good luck. See you later.

Your mum was saying they only take one apprentice a year at this place.

-They had over 1,000 applications.

-And you got it!

Yeah, but I had to change my illustrations

-cos this fashion house has a particular look.

-Who's that?

Thanks for the lift. By the way, I haven't told Livvy.

Hang on, I'll just park up and I'll come with you.

-I'm 17, Dad.

-I don't get to see much of you, son.

I want to make the most of it.

That was Chris's favourite club too.

Still no idea how I got home.

And my ears are still ringing.

Clubbing on a school night?

He had a long day yesterday. Why not?

Oh, your breath stinks. Have a mint.

-I had a pretty late night myself.

-Were you out dancing too?

No, thanks. No, I wish.

I've been writing a report for Howard on "Dealing with Difficult Patients".

I came in earlier this morning to finish it off.

Right, I'd better go and give it to him.

Please take a seat. Dr Granger will be with you soon.

-Thanks.

-Wow, I didn't recognise you!

-Sorry?

-Michael. That bar uptown, few months back?

You had us in stitches.

-I'm not that forgettable, am I?

-Actually, I'm new to Letherbridge.

Then you are the spit of this gorgeous woman I met.

Come on, let's sit down, Dad.

-Got to be there for your kids, haven't you?

-Definitely.

Bye, then.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in.

-Emma, hello.

-Heston, hello.

I have a cancellation and I was wondering

if there was anything - anything at all -

that you'd like to talk about...as friends?

Um... No, not really.

Unless there's anything, anything at all,

that you would like to talk about as friends?

-I have a diagnosis.

-Oh, intriguing.

Overly interested in a colleague's social life, working late,

coming in early so as to avoid being home alone...

Sound familiar?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I recognise the symptoms because I have absolutely been there

and absolutely done that.

Well, I might be a bit bored at home and Karen isn't helping.

-Get a life.

-Heston!

What did you enjoy doing before you were married?

That was a lifetime ago.

There's a wonderful woodwind ensemble at the Symphony Hall

-if you'd like to dip a toe in.

-No! But thank you.

All right. Um...dancing?

Yes.

But I would need a partner.

Something you could do... independently?

Ah.

Um...

I'll leave you to ponder.

I'm trying to be patient, let her work things out,

but it's driving me mad, know what I mean?

No, son, we've got absolutely no idea what you're on about.

I just want us to be grown-up, start making some decisions together.

I get it. You want to have sex,

but Livvy about to drop is a bit of a turn-off.

What? No. Can you wait outside, Dad? I'm trying to talk to Dr Granger.

I've got a lot of knowledge about this.

-If it's about position...

-Mr Cranson, would you mind stepping outside?

Please. Give us a few minutes, yeah?

Thank you.

So, let's start from the beginning. You are Olivia's boyfriend?

-Yeah, we're having a baby in a month.

-I know - she's my patient. Congratulations.

Thanks. Yeah. I'm pleased.

Hobbies.

Right. Ooh, baking. No.

Flower arranging. No. Piano, no.

Origami - I don't think so.

Embroidery, model trains.

Collecting pottery pigs?

Knitting, no.

Poetry, no.

Oh. Yoga.

Yoga, yoga. Physical, mental and spiritual wellbeing...

Mm.

OK.

She's not taking it seriously.

Do you mean the birth itself or becoming a mother?

All of it. She shares a room with her sisters

and that's where the cot's going to be. It's not right.

Plus they're always coughing and sneezing -

there's going to be germs everywhere, let alone the smoking!

-Livvy doesn't smoke?

-No, but her mum and dad do. The place stinks of fags.

Livvy needs to be breathing clean air.

So I was hoping you'd have a word.

-And say?

-Get her to move in with me.

She'd listen to you, you're her doctor.

You could lay down the law.

Why don't you try encouraging her to think about when the baby's born?

The best thing is to move in with me.

-Surely where she lives is her choice, isn't it?

-Yeah, I suppose.

Have you read any parenting books?

I've got a load I don't need any more.

If you pop back later, I can go and get them for you.

Serious? Thanks, Dr Granger. Appreciate it.

I also happen to know there's a breast-feeding session

on at the Churchill Community Centre today.

Livvy should definitely breast-feed. My mum says it's way better than bottles.

Then why don't you suggest it? Try and encourage her.

Couple of thousand applied, you know.

And here he is my son, the designer!

Oi, where you going?

Just got to tell Livvy something.

I'll pick you up from there, yeah?

Any chance of getting your number?

Ugh! When was this room last used?

And those chairs, I asked for them to be set in a semicircle

so you're going to have to organise that.

And the hire charge includes... Excuse me!

The hire charge includes refreshments

so if you could organise some teenage-friendly snacks

-for about two o'clock, that would be great.

-Yes, sure.

The chairs.

Morning, Mr Hanley.

I thought you were going to college?

In a bit. Are you OK?

I'm fine, Connor.

Listen, there's a breast-feeding advice at the community centre today.

Breast-feeding? Ugh!

It's the best form of nutrition, Liv. Plus it's free

and we're going to be broke.

We've got to think practical. Think for the future.

Mum'll help. She'll have to - I'm going to be useless.

You're not going to be useless! You're going to be amazing.

Plus I can always help at night.

How many times, Connor? I'm not moving in with you.

It makes sense, you know it does.

You've got exams. You need your sleep!

Me and this little kick boxer would wreck everything.

-You wouldn't wreck anything.

-Come on then, mate.

Chop, chop. I've got deliveries to do. Customers waiting.

Your customers are always waiting.

Great about Leeds, isn't it?

-Leeds?

-Dad.

Our Connor's apprenticeship. I'm as proud as punch.

You got an interview in Leeds?

He's got the job, love. Starts September.

I thought you said you'd work up the markets with your dad.

I was going to but then this came up.

When were you going to tell me?!

Less of that, girl. He's got talent - be proud.

My nan lives up there and she's got a spare room.

-Me, you and the baby, we could go up there.

-You want us to go to Leeds?!

You tell ME to be more practical then you come up with this?

-Livvy!

-Leave her.

If she doesn't want to go to Leeds...

-Listen, don't waste your talent cos some girlie can't keep her legs closed.

-What?!

-She's running rings round you.

-I can't believe you just said that!

-Let's get you to college.

-I'm getting the bus.

Don't be stupid.

You know I'm stressed about all this and then you go and say that!

-Come on, we can talk about it on the way.

-Get lost.

You need to man up a bit!

Connor, get back here!

Oh, is the kettle boiled?

My throat is sore from shouting.

Mrs and Mrs Rust forgot their hearing aids again.

Oh, you!

It's the least I can do after the tutorial you gave me the other night.

You sure I can't give you something for that?

You already paid me in my favourite currency, which is the pizza.

Caffeine, I need caffeine.

Cheers, thank you.

Great. Yes, well, I'll look forward to it.

OK, thank you.

Bye-bye.

I have just booked myself

on to a yoga retreat in the middle of nowhere.

Sounds like hell.

I've never understood the point of yoga.

Oh, it's wonderful! Just so peaceful and refreshing.

-I didn't know you were into yoga.

-I'm always on about it!

Are you?

An ex of mine used to go on about the Sun Salutation -

-that's yoga, isn't it?

-Well, obviously.

Yes, it's very good for stress.

I'm stressed at the moment, aren't you?

Always. Can you show us some, Emma?

Yeah, show us the Sun Salutation. I've always wondered how you do it.

I would. But I've got paperwork coming out of my ears.

How about lunchtime?

That would be great.

Yes, OK. Well...

is that coffee?

-Yes.

-Thanks.

Can't wait.

Sun Salutation.

Oh, really?

-Hey, Liv! Haven't seen you in ages.

-Hiya.

Sorry. I'm fuming, me.

Where's the gorgeous Connor? He'll sort it.

-He sorts everything.

-Connor's the problem.

He is not the problem, hon - believe me!

We'd kill for a Connor.

He's being a complete idiot. What are you lot up to?

Just discussing how much we love shoes.

In there, there's a posh doctor who'll let us

try on her 500 quid shoes if we let her bang on about breast-feeding.

Oh, I heard about this. Breast-feeding, though - turns your stomach!

I know, but we love shoes.

We could have a laugh.

We could have a real laugh.

Hello. Good to see you! Take a seat.

I'm Dr Carmichael. I don't know any of your names.

I know Jade, obviously.

I'm Livvy. That's Sasha, Demi, Tara, Megan.

-We can't stay long, Miss.

-Don't call me Miss. This isn't school.

-Are those the shoes, Miss?

-Let's see them.

OK, the shoes are not coming out until later.

For now, take a seat, and let's talk breast-feeding.

Now, the first thing we're going to do is a quick little exercise.

We're going to think of all the words that we use for breasts.

So, who's going to start?

OK. Well, I'll start then, there's boobs, obviously. And boobies.

Any other thoughts?

OK. I'll go. Knockers. Hooters.

GIGGLING

Anybody brave enough yet? How about you?

Um...bazookas.

I'm sorry?

-Bazookas.

-Bazookas!

very good. You.

-Funbags.

-Funbags, that is very good.

Pinky and Perky.

Pinky and...Perky. Really? OK.

What about you. Livvy?

-Mine are juicy.

-Honk, honk!

That's not really a word we would use!

Mine are squidgy, Miss.

-I'm looking more for...

-Mine are pneumatic.

Miss? Jade's not being sensible, Miss - she's getting on my funbags.

LAUGHTER

OK.

Oh, OK.

Hi. Hope I'm not interrupting.

-ZARA:

-'What do you want?'

The parenting books that were on the table - where are they?

I've got them here. Although why I bothered...

Sounds like you've got a roomful.

Yes, I have a roomful.

You were worried no-one was going to show up.

Is one of them called Livvy?

I told her boyfriend to mention it to her.

Well, thank you for that. Livvy is only marginally worse than Jade.

-And Jade is an absolute nightmare.

-Shoes!

DIALLING TONE

Zara?

Typical.

-Shoes, shoes, shoes!

-All right, enough. QUIET!

Ladies, please sit down again.

I would like us now to think about our own boobs.

Tell me something you like about yours, Jade.

-I hate mine.

-Me too.

What? All of you?

Lads round here watch some stupid porno films

and think we should be like a triple Z.

Mine are big now, but they'll probably shrink.

If you breast-feed, they'll stay fuller for a while.

Till they bounce off the floor. Ugh!

The sagging breast thing is a myth. We've gone over this!

Look at my breasts. Honestly, look at my breasts.

I breast-fed my son.

Do you see any sagging, do you see any disfigurement?

No, you do not!

Dr Carmichael - nice bazookas!

Sorry.

Connor! Sorry, it turns out those books are at the community centre with my partner. I'm sorry.

-You OK?

-Not really.

What's happened?

-Dad told Livvy about Leeds.

-Leeds?

I've got an apprenticeship at a fashion house up there.

Sounds great.

Designing, illustrating, choosing fabrics - it's what I'm good at.

It's a once in a lifetime opportunity and it starts in September.

I can't postpone it. I've tried.

The thing is my nan lives up there - me, Livvy,

and the baby, we could stop with her.

We could make it work.

It's just...she won't even listen to me.

Dad blabbed and now she stormed off.

You hadn't told her?

I didn't want her stressing. It's bad for the baby.

But we'd be all right up there.

Even if we were broke, we'd still love each other.

She's going to need a lot of support,

Connor, and you're going to be at work.

I just thought if she moved in with me now,

then Leeds wouldn't be that bad.

But if we stay here, she's never going to listen to me.

How can we be proper parents, if what I think counts for nothing?

It's a big decision. So my best advice would be to talk to her.

By the way, she's at the community centre.

-Learning about breast-feeding.

-I didn't think she was going to do that.

Well, she's there. See you.

So first of all, deep breath in... and we drop forward.

-This is really excellent.

-Emma's going to a yoga retreat.

-That is just what the doctor ordered.

-What now?

Um. I think it's a...

What now?

It's a slow lunge forward,

then it's right leg up.

No, sorry, left.

Isn't breathing important?

Yes, it is. Breathe, Niamh.

Good, now deep breath in.

As we go down into the press up

And up.

-Can I breathe out now?

-Yes, breathe out.

-There you go.

-Then back into the dock!

-Oh!

-Then right leg, left hand.

Is it?

-How not to do yoga.

-For goodness' sake!

-Give it here!

-Cheese!

I've called this one Celebrity Titbits.

This might be fun.

So we can see celebrities breast-feeding.

Sorry, can I speak to Livvy, please?

No, you can't.

-We're talking about breast-feeding, Connor. It's not for boys.

-Why not?

If it's about breast-feeding, then it's about babies.

And I'm having a baby soon. We're having a baby soon.

-Let him stay, Miss.

-I'm not leaving till we've talked.

Get lost, Connor.

Celebrities breast-feeding.

You'll find pictures of Kim Kardashian, Gwen Stefani,

Angelina Jolie.

And finally I've got some goody bags for you.

But first tell me you know more about breast-feeding.

We know everything now.

Good. And you'll consider breast-feeding yourselves?

I still think it's disgusting, no matter what you say.

-Why do I bother?

-How is it disgusting, Jade?

It's an incredible thing to feed your baby yourself.

My mum fed me.

None of our mums breast-fed us, and we're all right.

But you know better than them.

My mum brought me up fine, thank you, Connor.

If I followed everything my dad did,

I'd have dumped Livvy as soon as she got pregnant.

We're going to be parents ourselves soon.

-It's about time we start making our own minds up about stuff.

-Absolutely.

Look at the plus points - immune system, nutrition,

less breast cancer but all you lot can think about is saggy boobs!

Which isn't true, anyway.

I didn't think you lot were that shallow.

-Sorry.

-Don't apologise! I could've done with you sooner.

Connor.

-Who's this?!

-Sorry.

Right. Goody bags.

Why the hell are you here?

Your mum phoned and gave me a right earful.

-She shouldn't have told you where I was.

-She's worried about you. So am I.

Yeah?! Don't make me laugh.

I'm sorry about what I said.

Oh, thanks(!) Bye, then.

It's just you've got a real chance with this Leeds thing, son.

If you want to talk about it, I'm right here.

Why would I talk to you? You completely messed things up with me and Livvy this morning.

-You need protecting, son.

-Protecting?!

You can't see it. your mum can't see it. But I can.

What are you on about?

I'm sorry, son, but you're a soft touch.

She got herself knocked up cos she knew you'd come running.

-We're having a baby!

-She's having the baby.

You've done your bit.

She could've got rid of it, yeah? But she didn't.

-Go back to the pub, Dad.

-Livvy's made her choice.

But you've got other choices, Connor - you've got Leeds.

Not some crap market job.

You've got a proper future, one that you've worked hard for.

Cos you've got something in you, son - a talent, a gift - I don't know.

But you can't waste it in a dump like this.

What, like you have?

Yeah, like me.

You want me to make a choice?

OK, this is my choice - I don't want to see you again, ever.

-Connor, you don't mean...

-I don't give a toss what you think.

I just want to be a good dad and there's nothing you can teach me about that.

And by the way, that "it" we could've got rid of - that's your grandchild.

The chocolate chip muffin is to remind us that we

all need some pampering, especially new mums.

-Livvy, go and talk to Connor. He's really upset.

-That's not my fault!

-You don't know what you've got there.

-It's not all about looks, you know.

He cares about you, Livvy - he cares about you and that baby.

Not everyone's so lucky, you know.

You OK? Where's your coat?

Connor, please. You've got to stop fussing.

-Sorry.

-You're taking over all the time - it's doing my head in.

-I just want to make sure you're OK.

-You never stop!

But it's down to me.

How do you mean?

Tell me.

I should've used something. I was drunk.

We were both drunk!

I have got a brain in my head, you know.

We were both idiots. But I don't care,

cos this baby is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

-Yeah?

-Apart from you.

You're supposed to say you feel the same.

-You know I do.

-So why do you want to drag us up to Leeds, then?

It's scary enough having a baby,

let alone being stuck miles away from everyone you know.

I know, it was a rubbish idea.

No...but it's rubbish timing.

Have you asked about doing it next year instead?

It's this year or nothing. But it don't matter, Liv.

I'll just get a job up the markets, it's no problem.

So you're not moving in?

When your exams are done, I'll move in.

Your dad is actually right about one thing, you know.

You are really talented.

If you got picked for the Leeds thing,

well - there's going to be other chances, yeah?

-Yeah, maybe.

-Definitely. You'll get another break, I know you will.

And then you can really go for it, OK?

GIRLS WHOOP

-Delete it! Give it to me.

-Hand it over, Kevin, or so help me God!

OK, here's the deal. I'll delete it if Emma admits she knows nothing about yoga.

-She's being doing it for years!

-Emma?

-All right.

-Thank you. Video deleted.

I did do a class. But it was years ago.

But you're going on a yoga retreat. If you don't like it...

I do like it, I really do.

I just don't know much about it. I'm sorry.

-Cup of tea?

-Shut up!

-Here you go.

-Is that Mr Carmichael?

Thanks, Dr Granger.

You're welcome.

-Not you too!

-Worth a try.

-Bye, girls!

-See you, then.

Hey, did you notice - still no fags?

-I officially quit.

-Good for you.

I'm going to be the best mum on this estate.

You're going to be wonderful. Bye, Jade.

I told you you could do it.

I didn't even need to bring out the shoes.

You are joking me! They've taken them! Those bloody girls!

Um, Zara, who's that?

That is it. Come back here! Come back immediately! You ridiculous woman!

Take those shoes off at once and give them back to me.

She's taken my bag!

-Bend the right knee...

-Oh!

How come you're not in school?

Don't you start. Mum's always on at me.

You've every right to ask about my past.

I do not think I can continue to befriend you.

I did it. I took that woman's bag.

I'm pleading guilty.

-You're doing fine, Emma - just breathe.

-Oh!