Judge and Jury Doctors

-Oh, hello, stranger!

-Oh!

I. Am. Knackered!

How'd it go?

It was a bit overwhelming, if I'm honest. But it was good.

-Definitely good.

-I had a pretty exciting week myself.

Oh, yeah? It's just a lot to take in.

Jack and Immie have got so much energy.

Karen, do you mind if we catch up later?

-I really need to get to work.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry.

Oh! Hey, hey, hey! Em! Em!

-I made a discovery.

-Yeah, what?

I actually really like my kids.

I'm glad to hear it.

-See you later.

-Byeeee!

Mr Robson. I was just phoning to see

if you would like to have lunch at the Icon bar.

It is convenient to both of us.

Actually, I was going to ask if you wanted to come here.

Oh?

'Is that OK?'

Ah. I think you will enjoy the Icon bar very much.

I'd really like to cook something for you.

As a thank you.

Well, that is very kind. I, uh...

'What is it?'

Oh, I am so sorry.

I just remembered that I have a book club meeting today.

Oh. I see.

Yes. What a shame. Perhaps another time.

I understand. Enjoy your reading.

I will. Goodbye.

There she is! Guru Reid!

Oh, she's looking flexible!

Can you brush your teeth with your toes now? Come on.

-I want details, you tantric goddess!

-Sh!

Is it true they can go for hours at a time?

Don't you need a break for the loo or...?

It's true that I didn't get out of bed

most of the last couple of days. And I wasn't sleeping.

Howard! We were just discussing the health benefits of yoga.

Hmm. Just come to brief the new temp. Make sure she's settling in.

She's just grabbing a coffee in the staff room.

THEY CHUCKLE

-To be continued.

-Very good, Dr Reid.

I can always spot a new patient.

What, because you've never seen them before?

Because they look like they're going to be a pain in the backside.

Take a look at that.

The lady with a mouth like a cat's bottom.

I can guarantee you she's my 9:20.

Bet you two would get on like a house on fire!

Mrs Margaret Plumber?

Screaming, shouting. People calling the emergency services...

She could crack a smile at least.

She might have a very good reason for looking like that!

Remember - "See the person, not the problem".

They're all a "problem", Marquez.

And it's my sworn duty to solve them.

Mrs Plumber! May I say what a lovely smile you have there.

Ah, Mr Robson.

It appears that my book club meeting has been cancelled.

Are you still available for lunch?

HOWARD CLEARS HIS THROAT

Hi! Hi, Denise. Hi. It's me.

Howard.

Erm, look, I'm sorry for calling out of the blue like this, but...

Yeah, I'm fine, fine. Yes.

Well, you see,

I've been thinking about you quite a lot just recently. And...

Oh! Oh, I see!

Right! Well, congratulations!

Yes. Mrs...?

Mrs Barksdale. Yes. OK, OK.

Sorry. OK. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Bye.

I have never been so disgusted in my life!

-What's going on here?

-She just slapped me!

-He sexually assaulted me!

-What?!

-Let's calm down, shall we?

-You groped me. I know your type.

Yeah, because ear examinations are my biggest turn-on!

What sort of a woman do you think I am?

Do you really want an answer to that?

-Cos I'll give you an answer to that question.

-How dare you...

We're not going to achieve anything by talking over each other, are we?

Dr Haskey, will you please leave us alone?

You're joking me! You're not taking this seriously?!

We'll get to the bottom of this.

We have a very strict procedure for complaints,

-I'd be happy to go through that with you.

-Complaints?

It's complete fabrication!

Dr Haskey, could you please return to your room until further notice?

Oh!

If I have to hear one more word about Mr Proctor's bowel movements,

I'll throw myself under a bus.

You know he's keeping a calendar now?

-You bring that back with you?

-Yeah. It's Nettle and Fennel Elixir.

Oh, is that part of the tantric thing?

It's supposed to be invigorating. It can be very demanding!

Demanding! Ooh, you lucky cow!

Oh, I don't know, it goes on forever!

I mean, all that rocking and deep breathing.

-Honestly? I actually fell asleep once.

-No!

Well, we'd been at it for hours.

And it was after the second whole day of it.

I'd step over my granny for two whole minutes with Mr Yoga!

-Didn't he notice?

-If he did, he was too polite to mention it.

I'm seeing him for lunch later.

It'll be a relief just to have a chat instead of all that...

-You know.

-Where are you going to take him?

Not much in the way of organic vegan cuisine in Letherbridge.

And you wouldn't want to change whatever diet he's on.

Oh, I don't know!

It started as soon as he met me in reception.

He made some sleazy comment about my appearance.

Something about my smile, I don't know.

I... I told him that I'd lost some hearing in my left ear

-and he said he wanted to take "a closer look".

-Uh-huh?

He started to breathe. Heavily.

Sexually. Into my ear.

And he sort of pressed his body into me. And then...

It's OK. Take your time.

He was so close!

And then he just grabbed me. Here.

I see. Did you say anything to him?

Well, I slapped him. What would you have done?

I mean, what sort of a woman does he think I am?

Look, I've found one!

Narayana?

Looks a little dingy to me.

But look, the whole menu is vegan, locally sourced - and Fair Trade!

Doesn't look like there's much of it, though?

Well, how much vegan food is going

to be locally sourced in Letherbridge?

Hey. Worth it for the sexathons, eh?

So, what was this inappropriate comment I'm suppose to have made?

Something about her smile or something.

You tell me I'm supposed to engage with my patients.

That's me trying to engage.

She said you brushed yourself against her.

Brushed? How am I supposed to examine her ear from a distance?

-Did you grab her?

-No!

I'm looking in her ear.

For no reason whatsoever, she tugs at my sleeve!

I put my hand out just to stop myself falling over.

Dr Haskey. Did you touch her breast?

Of course not!

Maybe, I might've brushed past it as I put my hand out.

She slapped me in the face!

Nurse Marquez is treating her in the nurse's room at the moment.

I don't want you anywhere near her until I have fully investigated.

Come on, Howard, you don't really believe her, do you?

I intend to stick to official protocol.

Oh, I see.

I'm guilty until proven innocent again!

I cannot believe you're taking this seriously.

-It's a serious accusation!

-One that she's made up!

Look, leave this to me.

Leaving it to you has worked really well for me in the past, hasn't it?!

Al, stay out of it.

Or I will be forced to make you stay out of it.

Do I make myself clear?

So I don't even get the chance to defend myself?!

If I have to ask you to go home, I will.

She made an appointment with me.

-Did she hear me talking to Mandy?

-First sign of madness, mate.

There's some mad old woman in with Howard saying I felt her up.

Oh. Rather you than me.

But why?

She's got a ring on her left hand.

She hits me with her right.

Does that mean she's right-handed, or is that for effect?

Steady on, Sherlock!

This is serious!

And I can't talk to her, because she's so hysterical.

Now what I need is for somebody to talk to her for me.

Yeah, right!

Oh, right.

It's a bit girly, eh?

No, I think it is very fetching.

It's all they had in the charity shop.

And it does the job, doesn't it? Come on, please come in.

Let me show you around. Not that there's much to see!

-Mandy, I need your help.

-Will you stop doing that?

I need you to speak to Mrs Plumber.

I am talking to Mrs Plumber. She's very upset.

I need you to ask some questions, find out what she wants.

You want me to cross-examine her?

Yeah. I could e-mail you some questions if you like.

Leave her alone, or I'll tell Howard.

I try and keep the bathroom clean,

but it's a bit tough living with so many other people.

It must look a bit disgusting to you.

On the contrary, I think it looks most respectable.

Sorry, I'm being so rude. Please have a seat.

No. Here. There you go.

Thank you.

-What do you want me to do about it?

-Talk to Howard.

You know what he's like, he always takes the patient's side.

-What was the name again?

-Plumber.

-Margaret?

-Yes?

Hah! I should have recognised that name. Saucy minx!

-Say what?

-She used to one of Daniel's patients.

He was always coming home with stories.

Can you be more specific?

I am actually quite busy, Al!

Could you ask Daniel, she was one of his patients?

-So?

-I'm on my lunch break, Al.

Zara said she was, and I quote, "a saucy minx".

OK, she had a high sex drive and she wasn't afraid to talk about it.

Really? A bit of a nymphomaniac, was she?

I'm not sure I'd use that word.

But she was always after supplements for her husband.

-Why did she leave?

-What do you mean?

They've not been registered for ages.

Oh, she went private. Her husband developed prostate cancer.

I think they thought they'd get a better service elsewhere.

Are we done?

She went private, and now she's back on the NHS?

Maybe they got it sorted.

Or maybe they ran out of money!

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello?

How do, Mrs Plumber, it's Andy Hinton here

from Compensation Lawyers For You.

Mrs Plumber, have you recently been the victim of injury or harassment

at work which may entitle you to financial compensation?

What are you talking about? How did you get my number?

Has anything happened recently

for which you may wish to seek monetary reparations?

Is this about my husband? I don't want your money.

I'm sorry, Mrs Plumber, our records indicate...

'I don't give a damn what your records indicate!

'I don't want any money, thank you.'

-'But Mrs Plumber...'

-Leave me alone!

Hang on a minute, Mrs Plumber!

-Hello.

-Hi!

Apparently this is the best vegan cafe in the area.

Shall we?

I don't get it.

If this isn't about money, then what is she hoping to achieve?

Have you ever considered that maybe she's not lying?

I did not grope her!

I'm not saying you did. Maybe she THINKS you did.

Isn't that a possibility?

Daniel said she was a bit of a nymphomaniac.

Bit of a nympho!

-Ah! Now that is interesting.

-What are you doing?

Key symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder.

Hypersensitivity, manipulative behaviour,

strong sexual desire, projecting bad intentions onto other people.

Danger, Will Robinson!

Prostate cancer!

-What?

-Daniel said her husband had prostate cancer. That's significant.

Yeah, for him!

If the radiotherapy doesn't work, what do we do?

-Remove the prostate.

-We remove the prostate.

-Which can lead to impotency.

-So?

She's got a high sex drive. We've already established that.

I don't like where this is going.

So, if she's not sexually satisfied by her husband...

Perhaps she's thinking about straying.

Are you suggesting that she wanted you to grope her?

-I did not grope her!

-Why did she slap you?

Because... because...

Maybe I'm not her type?

Maybe what this situation needs is a real ladies' man.

-Someone with roguish exotic charms.

-No.

I've already said no once. No chance.

DR TYLER WHISTLES

-Tyler!

-What?

Mr Robson! That was superb.

It's pretty simple, really.

Where did you get the recipe for the Hollandaise sauce? Perfection.

Oh, you know. I did a bit of training in prison.

Learned a bit of catering.

You should be a chef!

There are a number of restaurants in Letherbridge

that would benefit greatly from your presence.

I wish.

No, this is perfect!

If you got a job, then you would not feel so isolated.

Not many chef jobs going for a...

For someone with a record like mine.

Is there?

Oh, I see.

But surely, a man of your expertise?

I thought so, too, but it's not like that.

Oh.

There's nothing out there for me.

-I'm not sure about this.

-Well, she's complaining of heart palpitations

but I can't find anything. And you're our resident heart guy,

-I'm sure you'd see something I've overlooked.

-Hmm...

I'd really owe you one.

Not like you to need a second opinion.

No. Consider this a mark of my respect for you as a GP.

She's a really nice lady and her husband's been poorly,

so be nice to her. Turn on that famous Dr Tyler charm, yeah?

-Hey. The Dr Tyler charm is always on.

-Perfect.

What?

Nurse Marquez, I was wondering if I could borrow your expertise,

-just for ten minutes in my room, please?

-Five minutes.

-Thank you.

What is wrong with this place? You're all disgusting!

I didn't do anything!

This man told me to take my top off!

Well, yes!

I don't know if you think this is funny...

How am I supposed to examine her with her top on?

I know you're having a difficult time, Mrs Plumber,

but I'm just trying to do my job.

Would you like us to call your husband for you?

Call my...

My husband has just died!

You...

Oh, George! George, I'm so sorry!

What's going on?

You didn't tell me her husband was dead!

Dr Haskey, Dr Tyler. Outside. Now!

Mrs Plumber, we'll get to the bottom of this.

I hurt him so badly.

Excuse me.

Explain.

Al asked me to take a look at her heart!

"Hurt him", what does she mean by that?

Honestly, Howard, I didn't know her husband was dead.

-Thank you, Kevin, you may go.

-What's going on?

Dr Tyler, please leave.

Dr Haskey.

You are indefinitely suspended with immediate effect

pending further investigation. Pack up and get out of my surgery.

And I'll have the, er...

the fermented soybeans with lava bread. And a carrot juice, please.

You know lava bread is made of seaweed, right?

Well, seaweed is very cleansing, isn't it?

-You really like all this stuff?

-Of course! Don't you?

Honestly, I'm more of a steak and chips kind of guy.

This is way more sophisticated!

Steak!?

Yes.

-I'm such an idiot.

-Why?

Well, I thought... Because of the yoga and...

-Oh.

-..that you would be into all this!

Yeah, sorry to disappoint you.

While we're at it, I don't like nettle juice,

I wear plenty of artificial fibres,

I have never really managed to open up all my chakras

and I visit the hairdresser every three weeks like clockwork.

I couldn't grow a guru beard if I tried!

-I am so relieved.

-YOU'RE relieved?

I thought I was going to have to order the tofu cheesecake!

Look, shall we just go and get some proper food?

Oh, yes, please!

Hi there, can you put me through to the oncology department, please?

KNOCK AT DOOR

It's OK, Howard, I'm leaving.

I just wanted the chance to apologise to Mrs Plumber.

-I've behaved really badly.

-Right.

So, I just wanted her to know that I'm sorry

-and that George forgave her.

-What?

I didn't know your husband,

but you should know he never stopped loving you.

How could you POSSIBLY know that? You have no idea!

I was at medical school with his consultant.

Do you remember a Mr Matthews?

Mr Matthews? Yes. He was very good with George.

He said he had never seen a man more in love.

I'm a terrible, terrible person!

-So, what are your plans this weekend?

-Seeing you, hopefully.

Really?

Look, since we're doing bad yogi confessions.

I, um, I fell asleep, last time we...

Oh, yeah, don't worry, it happens.

To be honest, that tantric stuff can get a little wearing.

Maybe we should do something different this weekend.

-Different?

-Yeah, you know, just think.

A whole weekend of just holding hands and playing cribbage.

I convinced myself at the time that if George wasn't interested in me,

like that, any more, well, I could hardly be blamed

for seeking comfort with other men, could I?

You know that removal of the prostate can lead to impotency, right?

I don't think he lost interest in you.

That makes me even more selfish!

He was dying and I was swanning off with other men!

I'm such a tart!

But George didn't think that way about you, did he?

When I told him...

I saw it in his eyes.

I hurt him so much.

I just thought you should know.

-Thank you.

-Well, thank you for coming.

No, it was my pleasure!

Sorry if I depressed you with all that.

No, do not worry.

Mr Robson.

I cannot give you a job, but perhaps...

Would you like to learn to cook some traditional Botswanan dishes?

Really?

Yes. It is a speciality. I could teach you.

It might be fun?

Mrs Tembe, I'd love to.

I'm lucky I met you, eh?

-Well, goodbye.

-Yeah, bye.

-So, you're absolutely sure?

-Yes, thank you, Mr Bellamy.

I think there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

It's been a very difficult time recently.

I understand.

So, as far as we are concerned, the matter is closed?

Yes. Please disregard my accusation.

Thank you, Mrs Plumber.

I hope I can still be seen here in the future?

Of course.

Please extend my apology to Dr Haskey.

Dr Haskey, I'm very sorry.

I shouldn't have let my own feelings

colour my impressions of other people.

I broke his heart. I have to live with that.

Maybe. But...

I don' know, but...he forgave you.

I don't think George would want you to spend the rest of your life

as a miserable old widow.

Sorry. Er, I didn't mean that. I think you know what I mean.

Dr Haskey. Are you asking me out?

What? No, no, I'm not...

-I'm just...

-Dr Haskey.

Er, I'd better...

You understand she's dropped the charges.

Yep.

So, naturally, you won't be asked to leave the building.

And?

Howard, where's my apology?

I was merely following protocol.

-My position here has been strictly impartial.

-Has it?

I am sorry you've had to endure such a difficult experience.

But now that the matter has been resolved,

surely we can carry on where we left off.

AL GRUNTS

It's enough for me to know that when things get really difficult,

you've got my back.

It's good for me to know exactly where I stand.

Naomi.

HOWARD CLEARS HIS THROAT

Hi! Naomi!

It's me, Howard!

Howard Bellamy.

Yes, that's it. That's the one. Yeah.

Yeah!

Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Listen, I'm sorry to call you out of the blue like this, but...

I've been thinking quite a lot about you just lately, and...

Oh! Wow!

Well... Wow!

It's really great you've found your... um...

So what is her name?

Oh, that's lovely. Yes.

The civil partner... The wedding...

OK, OK, OK. Nice to speak to you. Good luck. Bye.

-I'm flagging a little.

-Stay off the red wine.

Actually, it was the noises...

-Why haven't you told her?

-I'm a "hearing" person now.

She might feel like I've betrayed her.

Anybody might think you were trying to hit on me or something.

No, no, of course not.

Good luck keeping up with her.