And so to Bed Doctors

-Morning.

-Morning. Have you seen this?

I have indeed. You can't buy publicity like that.

You do know those boys nearly died?

I'm just saying, it's a positive article.

Of course - there's no tragedy that isn't

an opportunity for marketing, is there?

Well, all's well that ends well.

-I will be all right from here.

-OK.

-Thank you.

No, thank you. For three incredible days of bedroom action.

At one point, I wanted to jack it in, but you wanted to go on and on.

I do not know where you get your stamina from.

You are most welcome!

I'll pick you up at lunchtime for our final session.

-Yes, indeed. Goodbye.

-Bye.

That is my dear friend, Mr McClurgy.

I know his mother from church, but she is in hospital at the moment.

We have been redecorating her bedroom,

giving it a magnificent makeover.

Do you know what I fancy doing?

What's that?

A big traditional Sunday lunch.

You do know it's Friday?

Yeah! Yeah, but it's our last day together,

and I thought - let's have a big blowout!

Roast beef and all the trimmings.

'Sue Jones said, "Dr Donoghue was the first person to

"realise that Ryan had a problem. She saved his life."'

Bravo!

Niamh. I must echo what all the papers are saying.

What you did yesterday was a wonderful thing.

Above and beyond the call of duty.

Thank you.

Of course, Al and I were just doing our jobs.

But one thing I have learned is sometimes you do need to give

-patients more than the allotted ten minutes.

-Right.

But we can't allow this one isolated incident to mess up our timekeeping.

And you have to realise that we are doctors, not clock-watchers.

Indeed, but if you do give a patient extra time,

inevitably it takes it away from another patient.

I am impressed by people who do go the extra mile,

but we must recognise that the Mill's resources are finite.

Nice speech, Howard. Shame you didn't put it on a banner.

-Does that picture look straight to you?

-I should say so.

Or is the whole wall at an angle, is that it?

Will you stop fussing?

Your mother has a new house to go with her new hip.

She cannot fail to be impressed.

But she always manages, though, doesn't she?

PHONE RINGS

Ma! Let me help you in.

No! I'm all right.

If you touch me, I'll lose my balance.

Thank you.

Mrs Tembe! Are you part of the welcoming committee?

I just came to see if there was anything you needed.

I have got all I need.

They've even given me replacement body parts.

Oh, I can't wait to sit down.

What's happened here?

How do you mean?

The walls have changed colour.

Yes, me and Mrs Tembe have been doing a spot of decorating.

How much did that cost?

It doesn't matter. We can afford it.

I know, but it's not worth it.

How long am I likely to live?

Is it a bird?

Is it a plane? No, it's Hero Doc!

Oh, come on, we were a team - like Batman and Robin.

Who's who? No, I'm having none of that.

You were the hero, I was just your wingman.

So, hows about you and I go out and celebrate?

Sounds like a great plan.

Shall I invite the other hero docs?

-What?

-Well, there's the Magnificent Kevin,

Invisible Mandy, the Mask of Zara's not here,

but we can always get the Lone Granger.

Let's really push out the boat and get Tembenator Two?

Sounds great.

I'll go and shine that hero signal in the sky.

Keep your eyes closed.

I don't know why you make such a fuss.

You can open them.

What do you think?

Oh, it's, um...it's...

Is that what I think it is?

Take a look.

Mrs Tembe, come and see this.

What a beautiful city.

It's my home town. Aberdeen.

Where the granite comes from.

And there is no place like home.

I don't know where you got hold of this.

We aim to please.

Goodness, I...

What's happened to my mattress?

You've had an upgrade.

You are now the proud owner of a memory foam mattress.

And may you have many happy memories on it.

But where is my old mattress?

Well, the Council took it off to the tip.

Oh no! No!

Come on, it was knackered and full of lumps.

Those lumps were the things I kept in it -

jewellery, possessions, my whole life savings.

You kept your money in your mattress!?

Of course! You can't trust the banks any more.

How much exactly are we talking about?

Let me see, there's...

£50,000.

So, how's it coming?

Like a big fluffy cloud of loveliness.

Aw! So how did your date go yesterday?

Don't ask.

What happened? Did you get bitten by her guide dog?

Well, you know we met on this dating app?

Sad match.

Well, she was lovely, she was fit, and funny, and she had a nice face.

But she spent the whole time we were together, looking at other blokes.

-Giving them marks out of ten.

-No!

That is so shallow.

It must have been like meeting yourself.

I don't think that's funny...

Ow!

What's the matter?

I've stabbed myself.

Well, you've done it this time, Dougie!

I would like to retrace a missing item of rubbish.

What were you thinking?!

I could have looked after your money - I'm perfectly capable.

I've seen precious little evidence.

No, no, I have already spoken to your colleague.

He said I need to retrace the order.

I'm ruined!

If that bed's gone in the incinerator,

I'm going in after it.

That'll save on funeral expenses.

The order number is 2263.

It was a double mattress.

The Council came to collect it this morning.

70 years just gone up in smoke!

Yes, I will wait, but please do not play me any more Vivaldi.

You do realise that if you'd died in hospital,

I would have burnt that bed anyway?

What makes you think I'm going to die first?

Hello?

Yes.

Oh, I...I see.

Well, that was most helpful. Thank you.

Well, it turns out the mattress did not go to the incinerator.

Thank goodness!

Because when the Council came to collect it, it was already missing.

The mattress has been taken by person or persons unknown.

So what are we supposed to do,

ring every door bell in a five-mile radius?

It would not have been taken by one of the neighbours, no.

Perhaps it was taken by a young person or a rough sleeper.

It's like looking for a needle in a haystack.

It's worse.

You can use a magnet to find a needle, we've got nothing.

We have an A to Z, a pair of binoculars

and the power of prayer.

Mrs Tembe, I no longer believe in God.

Well, it is fortunate that God still believes in you.

We will find it.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

-Are you all right, Mum?

-Yes. It was nothing.

-We can always get a takeaway.

-No! We can do this.

Just need to keep calm, and...

Flaming Ada!

Oh! Immie, open that door!

FIRE ALARM

Jack, turn that sodding thing off.

I hardly think it's got a snooze function, Mum.

So, how's lunch going?

Great. If you're on a starvation diet.

Anything I can do to help?

There is a curse on this family, and it's me.

I can't even manage a family meal!

I knew this was a waste of time.

Well, maybe we should wait till this evening,

when they may set fire to it.

£50,000 would burn magnificently.

No, we'll keep looking.

Well, there is a patch of wasteland over there.

You seem to know this place really well.

I love going to parks.

I miss the wide open spaces of Botswana.

It is a shame that England is such an indoors-y country.

People spend most of their lives in cars or in offices.

Parks are for everyone!

And surely you are...you are...

What is it?

I think I have located your mattress.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Howard.

I, um...

I just wanted to say congratulations.

I tried to earlier, but we went off on a bit of a tangent.

I'm sorry I went off on my soapbox.

No, I can see you're passionate.

I understand that.

I know it must have been a bit of a shock for you,

you know, breaking in and seeing them all like that.

I'm sure you've seen worse in the army.

I saw a few things.

We had one young lad took his life in Northern Ireland.

Shot himself with an SA80.

And afterwards, I kept wondering what I could have done.

My job was to protect these guys,

but you suddenly realise how scared and vulnerable they are.

-Mrs Tembe?

-Yes?

-What are you going to do?

Well, I am going to demand that they surrender the mattress

immediately, and then I'm going to ask them

why they are wasting their lives in such a way.

-You don't do that.

-What?

If they get the slightest inkling that that mattress is valuable...

Then what would you suggest?

I know a sure-fire way to get rid of teenagers.

Hey guys!

My name is Dougie, and this is Mrs Tembe,

and we've come over to talk about Jesus.

No! Right, right...

See!

I am not sure I like you using the Lord's name in such a way.

Yeah, but I did get the mattress!

What is it?

It's the wrong one.

That will be God's punishment, then.

No, it is not a punishment, it is a test,

and we have to prove we are worthy.

It could be anywhere.

No,

it can only be in one place, and as it isn't here,

I suggest we move on immediately.

Come on.

Thanks, Howard.

No, thank you.

Oi.

You were eavesdropping?

I might have lingered longer than I needed to.

Just thought I'd pop in and see how Niamh was.

Got off on the wrong foot earlier.

You're not the unfeeling android after all.

Android? I'm not an android.

I know.

Are we ever going to find this thing?

It is just a matter of mind over mattress.

Oh, look, a coffee machine.

We're getting a better class of fly-tipper here.

Oh, that's exactly the same type Alan and me had back in the day.

Who is Alan?

Oh, Alan, my other half.

Or at least he was until he died and left me a vulgar fraction.

Your mother never mentioned him.

No, no.

Mother works on the policy that if you don't talk about something,

then it goes away.

I remember when me and Alan used to come to stay,

she'd always say, "You two lads can have the spare room.

"You don't mind sharing for one night."

As if we'd never actually...

I am sure it is just her way.

She comes from a different world to you.

When Alan died, all she said was, "Sorry, son."

As if I'd lost a bus pass, or a pet cat.

Well, sometimes it is hard to find the right words,

but I know she loves you very much.

Mattress.

How long are you going to keep this up for?

I dunno. Until I fossilise.

Yesterday was so perfect.

I began to think, "I'm a mum."

I boss people about and I look after them.

You do. But we're a family.

So if lunch does go up in smoke, we all muck in and make it better.

You shouldn't have to.

Oh, for pity's sake!

You know, this family has had a real run of bad luck.

But we're always OK cos we've got this amazing woman who keeps us

going and doesn't give up on us.

Well, give her a call, and she can finish dinner off.

The kids are doing that.

As we speak, they are scraping what they can off the oven.

So will you do us the very great honour

and be our guest?

It's not the right one!

Well, let us concentrate on finding the right one.

What's the use?

Even if I do find it, and a sack of gold next to it,

Ma will still not be happy. She doesn't do happy.

Once you've discovered misery, nothing else will do.

Well, feeling sorry for yourself can be quite addictive.

So, I'm just going to live here.

That'll save Mum the trouble of kicking me out of the house.

Fine. Well, you can wallow in self-pity.

It saves you the effort of actually doing something with your life.

I did actually sleep rough once.

After Alan died, I went back to live at home,

but Ma and me were just fighting all the time.

I got drunk one night and never came back.

Couldn't handle the shouting.

Where did you go?

Round in circles.

Tried to sleep in the church, but it was locked.

Went to a bus shelter, but the light kept blinking all night.

Finally went to a railway viaduct.

Where was this viaduct?

Why, do you think...?

Well, we have searched every other patch of wasteland.

Bonjour, mademoiselle. Bienvenue a l'Hotel 'ollins.

Your waitress is Imogen.

The soup is Heinz tomate.

This way, please. Maman.

Et Papa.

It's all very lovely.

You haven't tried the food yet.

-Mrs Tembe?

-What?

-I've just stood in something really squidgy.

Well, sometimes it is best to just keep walking.

Well, as burnt food goes, I suppose that wasn't too bad.

Non, monsieur, il est "bien cuit".

C'est a la mode, tout le monde, aujourd'hui.

Anything sounds good if you say it in French.

I should know.

I've been thrown out of all the best French restaurants.

That's true.

How about a long country walk, help the food go down?

No, I'm glued to this seat.

I know! Why don't we look at the Hollins family album?

-Yeah.

-I'm not sure about that. What about a board game?

No, I want to see the album.

Right, on the count of three.

We're going to roll him off the mattress.

-One, two...

-Wait.

Have you never heard the expression,

"There but for the grace of God go I?"

Have you ever heard the expression, "My ma is going to rip my nuts off?"

But we cannot steal a mattress from a homeless person!

We'll just grab it and run.

If my ma does not get that mattress,

I'll be sleeping on that with him tonight.

HE MUTTERS

Good morning.

Well, it appears that you have something

that doesn't truly belong to you.

This mattress is my mother's mattress.

My poor, sick, dear mother.

I am going to give you £20.

There is a second-hand shop just up the road.

You can buy yourself a new mattress,

much better condition than this.

OK then, £50.

£100.

Mrs Tembe, let's not start a bidding war.

OK, £100.

Wait a minute.

Who's the girl in the fishnets?

That's Jack. He was on his way to the Rocky Horror Show.

-I thought I told you to burn that.

-Burn?

I thought you said laminate and send to all my friends. Ow!

Ring any bells?

It's like seeing yourself in a film,

but not actually remembering that you did it.

But it's been, um...

It's been really nice spending time with you all,

feeling like I actually belong somewhere.

Mum, what is it?

I can remember, um...

..running along a freezing cold beach,

but I didn't care because I was making this thing fly.

I cannot... You see, now I have stepped in something squidgy.

Shh! Stop complaining!

I'm exhausted already.

It's only up in the attic.

Why don't we take it for a spin?

-I'm not sure that's a...

-No, it's all right.

But you do know I'm not going to magically get my memory back.

We know.

But maybe I could get my camera, and we can make some new memories.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Hello?

We've searched high and low,

covered every single inch of wasteland...

..and we found it!

HE LAUGHS

I know it is a little grubby, but it is all present and correct.

Oh, except for £100.

But you'll just have to take that out of my pocket money.

Just give me a minute to go through it.

A thank you would be nice.

We've just done a ten-mile trek.

-Grappled with teenage thugs.

-I said, give me a minute.

-And I...

-I think what would also be very nice is a cup of tea. Come.

Howard, a few of us are going to head off to the Icon later to

celebrate Niamh's heroic act with death-defying amounts of alcohol.

-Wondering if you wanted to come along.

-Yeah, who's coming?

Doctors Granger, Clay, Haskey and Donoghue.

Do you know what? I think I've got my own plans for tonight, thanks.

You sure?

That's all the more ethanol-based beverage for the rest of us.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in!

There is some tea downstairs if you'd like to join us.

I'm nearly done.

It's all there, except the £100 you owe me.

How would you like that, in cash or shall I just cut out a kidney?

What's up with you?

As I said earlier, a "thank you" would be nice.

We're out there risking life and limb,

and probably contracted pleurisy.

Thank you.

I'll be with you in a minute.

What's under the pillow?

What do you mean?

You hid something under there when we come in.

No.

Ma, what exactly do you keep in this mattress of yours?

-Dougie! Dougie...!

-I want to see!

Where did you get this?

You left it lying around, and I had it framed.

What for?

Well, you know...

..I miss having Alan around the place.

Look, found it!

Oh, wow!

Good luck with that.

It's one thing flying it on a windy day in Scarborough.

Don't be so negative.

All it takes is a bit of faith.

Oh, yeah?

So, yes, I keep all these things in the mattress,

so if anyone breaks in, they'll get them over my dead body.

But, Ma, you never even mention Alan.

Because every time I try, you bite my head off.

And then you accuse me of being homeopathic.

Homophobic.

Exactly.

I'm no good with words and stuff.

It's just the way I am.

I'm from Aberdeen.

Where the granite comes from.

Oh, Mrs Tembe, the tea?

No, no, forget the tea, I think you two should keep talking.

We will.

Well, I hope you enjoy your new bedroom.

I will see myself out.

Thanks.

See that one?

You remember that?

So, how does it feel to be a hero?

A bit surreal, to be honest.

Emma. Can I have a quick word?

Yep, I'm all ears.

In my office.

Oh. Right, OK.

Who has parked their Lotus in the staff car park?

No-one I know.

But I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers.

What is he doing here?

-Come on, you lot!

-Come on!

Careful!

BEEPING

SHUTTER CLICKS

Everybody, this is Adam.

Hi.

-Adam, the one who...

-Yes, that's right,

the man who can put his legs behind his neck with no ill effects.

Eh? Howard.

I'm Niamh. What brings you to this part of the world?

Actually, I live in Moseley.

And having just done six solid weeks of classes,

I wondered if you fancied dinner.

I would love to, but I just need to check my appointment diary.

Oh, did you want to see me about something?

-No, you're all right.

-Come with me.

Mrs Plummer, may I say what a lovely smile you have there.

I was going to ask if you wanted to come here.

Oh.

-What's going on here?

-She just slapped me!

He sexually assaulted me.

Sorry, I'm being so rude. Please have a seat.

Dr Haskey. You are indefinitely suspended with immediate effect,

pending further investigation.