Angelo's Ashes Doctors

MUSIC: "Un Bel Di" from Madame Butterfly by Puccini

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello, darling. How are you? Terrible weather. It's a...

Oh, no!

Chris?

Chris, I've made breakfast.

I'm not hungry.

Oh! Really?

I'd have thought you needed to keep your strength up

if you're going to be picking fights with complete strangers.

Do you have any idea how serious this is?

If that man had decided to press charges,

it would have been the end of your career!

That's my mess, OK? And I can sort it out.

You're showing precious little sign,

-never mind what you were about to tell Jimmi!

-Are we done?

-Because I'm late for work.

-Please, don't go in today.

Get some rest before you go completely off the rails.

Yeah, I'll go and see a psychiatrist?

Oh, no, best not, because I might mention that I murdered my father.

Now, I'm going to work, OK? End of story.

JIMMI YAWNS LOUDLY

Are you trying to catch mosquitoes?

I'm sorry?

You have not stopped yawning since you got here!

Yeah, sorry, it was a tough shift at the police station yesterday.

Anything in particular?

No, just the usual. You know, a few drunks.

-A few fights.

-Another day in Letherbridge.

Oh, Mrs Bonici!

Hello, darling. I have come for my prescription.

Yes, yes, of course.

I'm so, so sorry that I...

could not come to your husband's funeral.

I was so sorry.

You did not kill him!

It was the hole in his heart.

It must have been quite a shock.

Do you know, I am not sure that I really believe he has gone.

Yes, I saw it with my own eyes,

but I still feel he could walk into the room at any time.

It is a common reaction for people who have lost a loved one.

It is as if we put up a protective shield.

Yes, but I don't want a SHIELD!

I want to SCREAM!

-You all right?

-Yeah, you all right, mate?

I'm sorry about yesterday.

-I had a bit of a moment.

-Bit more than a moment, though, wasn't it?

-That guy nearly ended up in hospital.

-Yeah, I know.

We both just needed to blow off some steam, I guess.

Look, I got the impression you wanted to talk to me

about something, so if you...

Jimmi! Can I have a word?

Yeah.

Thank you, darling.

Perhaps I have been living in England for so long,

I am growing a stiff upper lip.

I don't believe that!

I think you are a person of real passion.

-But it is so hard to express.

-Awww!

Would you do me a big favour?

What is it?

Would you come to the gym with me?

I'm sorry?

Well, you know my Angelo was a large man.

Not his fault. He was a chef. It comes with the job.

I quite agree.

I would never trust a chef who looked like a beanpole.

And we always said when he retired, we would both join a gym,

so we could get fit and have a long and happy life together.

So, we filled in the form, and sent off the cheque

and that was the day he died.

That is one way of getting out of any exercise!

The membership card arrived today, it was most upsetting.

Oh, I can phone and explain?

I am sure that they will cancel.

No, no, I still want to go!

It is most important to stay active.

But I can't face going alone,

so I wondered, if... ?

Well, I have rather a lot of paperwork...

But...

I am available this afternoon.

Oh!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Is your friend going to be much longer?

Can we just have five more minutes?

-Of course!

-Thanks, yeah.

Karen, where are you?

I'm sat here like an idiot.

Really?

Well, why don't I come and join you and we can be idiots together?

THEY CHUCKLE

-Hello.

-Hello.

-So, you found it OK?

Yeah, eventually. It's really swanky!

Only the best for my Karen.

Here you are. And can I get you an aperitif?

Are you a dentist?

We'll just have a jug of tap water, please.

Oh, and I've got these vouchers from the internet.

25% off.

Right.

If I take these.

And this.

LOUD DANCE MUSIC

-It's a bit loud.

-What?

-I said, "It's a bit loud!"

Excuse me! Can you turn the music down please?

MUSIC IS LOWERED

Yes?! Good afternoon.

Me and my friend are here for the lunchtime session.

She has a joint membership card.

The name on this card says Mr and Mrs Bonici.

Yes, that is correct.

So, which one of you is mister, and who's the missus?

As I was about to explain,

my friend has recently lost her husband.

Now, Mrs Bonici does not want a refund,

but as she has a joint membership,

she wondered if I could come with her instead.

I'm afraid we don't do that, and if you DO want a refund,

you're going to have to show the death certificate.

Firstly, she had to send the death certificate off to the bank.

And SECONDLY, she's not even asking for a refund!

All we are asking, is that you show a little understanding for a woman,

who has lost her husband.

Well, I'm extremely understanding.

And I also understand how to read the small print.

And this card is non-returnable, non-refundable,

and non-transferrable.

I'll have the sausage casserole wotsit.

-Cassoulet aux saucisses.

-Yeah.

And can I have the tarte aux chanterelles.

That's not got bones in it, has it?

Unlikely...

as it is a mushroom.

Why did we have to come here?

I feel like I need a degree to understand it!

-I thought I'd push the boat out.

-Oh, yeah.

And you had those vouchers.

For the one hundredth time, we do not want a refund.

My friend has just lost her husband, and she wants to stay active,

and she thought perhaps she could bring a friend with her.

-Of course she can bring a friend!

-Oh, thank goodness!

If that friend pays the £10 day fee.

But my card is for two people! I paid nearly double.

Yeah, and the other person has to be Mr Bonici.

Is it really so hard to show a little humanity?

Is it really so hard for you to read?

-WHAT!

-Please, darling. I can't bear this.

I want to go home.

-I don't know why you're getting so angry.

-Don't you?

Maybe because I am fed up with you digging dirt on my son!

All I said is that I was there for him...

Oh, you're always there, looking so smug and self-satisfied!

What?!

Look, Chris has had two years of hell.

I was just offering to help!

Well, don't! From now on, you stay away from my son!

I am going to write to his manager, his Member of Parliament,

and, if necessary, Her Majesty the Queen.

It is not worth it.

This world is full of terrible, wicked men.

Wasn't I lucky to have had 40 years with a good one?

Yes, indeed.

Let me make you a nice cup of tea.

-And some biscuits.

-Not that one!

What?

There are no biscuits in here.

Only Angelo.

Oh my goodness!

You see, I had my husband cremated.

It is not what I would have wanted, but he always said,

"What a waste of God's earth that people are still being buried."

So here he is.

Well, he was fond of a custard cream!

I know in your head, you're trying to be helpful and supportive, but...

you're not.

Somebody has to take care of you,

as you seem determined to press the self-destruct button.

And by the way, I know about the road rage last week.

-Have you been spying on me?

-No, as usual I am the last to know.

Has it ever occurred to you

that you might actually be part of the problem?

I've spent my whole life feeling guilty.

Was it my fault?

What did I do wrong?

Because you tell me, Chris.

I don't know how we get out of this.

You know, the last time I went in there,

he dressed up as Pavarotti, and sang O Sole Mio for all of us.

THAT was Angelo!

He was always dressing up, playing practical jokes.

He didn't give a fig for rules or regulations,

he just wanted to make his customers happy.

So, what would Mr Bonici do in this situation?

Good afternoon!

We would like three locker keys, please.

-Three?

-That is correct.

And here is my ten pound day fee.

Hang on. There's only two of you.

Oh, so sorry, darling.

This is my husband, Angelo.

Of course, he looks nothing like his photo,

but that's cremation for you.

-Are you serious?

-Indeed we are.

Since you insisted that the card will only admit Mr and Mrs Bonici,

we have decided, yes, he must come to the gym with us.

I believe he has always wanted to try the rowing machine.

Where are your changing rooms?

Thank you!

How's your bangers and mash?

It's not bangers and mash.

It's cassoulet aux...

Or something!

Do you always eat your veggies first and then move onto the meat?

Yeah. Eat your greens up first

and then you've got something to look forward to.

I don't. I dive in first with the best bit.

I don't want to die and find out I've only had a load of salad!

If you were stuck on a desert island...

I'd forgotten you don't shut up, do you?

That's the fun of going out, isn't it?

Getting to know someone?

I'm only kidding. Anyway, I already know you.

I've known you for 25 years.

I bet you don't know everything.

Is everything to your satisfaction?

Yeah, it's very nice.

Tres bien.

-Rob?

-Yes, love?

-That woman keeps staring at me!

-What woman?

-That snooty chops over there!

No, she's not! You're being paranoid.

She is, it's for real!

-That's what paranoid people always say.

-Rob!

Just shut up and finish your tartlet.

-It's very busy.

-It is most inspiring,

in spite of the obesity epidemic.

Oh, look! The rowing machine is free.

-(There you go.)

-Oh!

I'd quite like a go on the running machine.

Why not? It is an excellent way to keep fit.

Excuse me! Someone is already on this machine.

My husband.

He is dead.

If you think this is absurd, I suggest you tell the manager.

Go!

There you go!

Ohhhh! That's filled a hole!

Charming! I should take you out more often!

Oh, look. Snooty chops is off.

-She's not, you know.

-What?

She's moving tables.

I told you she didn't like the look of me!

-Can I bring you the dessert menu?

-Excuse me.

Can you tell me why that lady has moved tables?

She was sitting in a draft.

Was she? Well, if she was in a draft, we must be in a draft.

-Can we go over there?

-I'm afraid that won't be possible.

Why not?

If you must know, she asked to move

as she was getting annoyed with the sound of your friend's voice.

What?!

Oh, I'm ever so sorry if I annoyed you

if I don't sound as if I've swallowed half a pound of plums!

It must be really awful sitting next to common people!

Madam, I am going to have to ask you to leave.

-You're joking, why should we have to leave?

-Shut up!

If they throw us out, we won't have to pay.

Please, Mrs Tembe, I'm not sure we should do this.

We have every right.

Of course, we must not stay on any machine for longer than 30 minutes,

but if we move him around every half hour, we are fully entitled.

Everyone is staring.

Good! Perhaps they will tell the manager what we are doing.

And then he will be forced to explain why he was so inflexible,

and why, instead of sorting things out for his customer,

he decided to make a war with them.

So, what shall we go on next?

WOMAN SHOUTS

Howzat?!

KAREN LAUGHS

Bye!

Off!

We have had complaints about two people

behaving in an inappropriate manner.

Well, I have not seen anything,

but I promise I will keep my eyes peeled.

Don't give me that!

The biscuit barrel has to go.

-Let go of him!

-Mr Ramsbottom!

I must ask you to refrain from manhandling my friend's husband.

There is no way you brought in some dead guy's ashes!

So what is it? A dearly-beloved Jammy Dodger?

The much-missed remains of a half-chewed Hobnob?

Give him back!

SCREAMING

MUSIC: "Un Bel Di" from Madame Butterfly by Puccini

MANAGER GASPS

It felt good.

To see his fist coming towards me.

Why does being punched make you feel good?

Because it's the first time in ages,

I actually felt alive.

I've spent such a long time trying to shut everything away,

so to shout, to scream,

to get beaten up

Oh, Chris...

And sometimes, I wish that I was dead...

..so that the whole burden of what I did,

to my dad, would be over.

How could you even think like that?

You asked me to be honest.

He made you do it.

Mum, I need to get on.

All right, well, look...

can we talk later?

You have to promise me,

don't speak about this with anyone else, OK?

I promise.

Hi, mate.

I just wondered, could we meet up later?

Please, just... Thank you.

No, I think a dustpan and brush would be more suitable.

Oh, my dear friend, I am so, so sorry.

It's not really him, is it? Only his ashes.

Where is that Mr Ramsbottom?!

Did you see the look on that waiter's face?

I thought he was going to combust!

Serves him right. Acting all la-di-dah!

Just cos he can say sausages in French!

You shouldn't have made such a scene.

-What if he'd have called the police?

-What are they going to do?

Arrest me for having an offensive voice?

Anyway, next time, I'm not going to say anything,

I'm just going to flutter my eyelashes at you.

Next time? So there is going to be a next time?

Yeah, why not?

You may be a tightwad, but you are fun!

Excuse me?

Hello?

Mr Ramsbottom!

They were real, weren't they?

Yes, well, we tried to tell you on several occasions!

I know, but I always have people saying, "My friend's died,

"can I have the money back on his membership?"

And when you ask to see the death certificate, they go...

Yes, yes, some people try to cheat the system.

But you have to start treating your customers with respect

or believe me, it will come back to bite you.

All right then, you know your gym card?

-Yes?

-Give it to me, and I'll swap it for a gold one.

Which entitles you, and the person of your choice, for the whole year.

Oh! Thank you, darling!

Next time, just don't bring Mr Bonici.

He will stay at home from now on.

But he has had a most enjoyable outing.

Thanks for coming.

What's this about?

This is so hard, Jimmi.

Just take your time, mate.

Look, I'm sorry about...

..all the weird stuff that's been going on,

and I'm sorry for my mother being such a psycho,

but it's burning up inside me,

if I don't tell you now, it's just going to get worse, and...

Tell me what?

I killed him.

I killed my dad.

Well, I know that Angelo would be proud of me.

He always said, "Stick up for yourself, darling.

"Don't let people drag you down."

And it is important to keep his spirit alive.

That sense of joy that he gave.

At least he finally got to the gym.

He would have enjoyed it, all those nice girls in shorts and T-shirts.

He certainly made quite an impression.

One girl had ashes all the way down the front of her T-shirt.

Really?

Well, you know what they say, he has gone to a better place.

SHE CHUCKLES

SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

SHE SOBS HYSTERICALLY

Oh, Mrs Bonici!

There was one night my dad just kept going on and on at me.

What if it was you? Your son feeding you?

Your wife taking you to the toilet?

You understand. I know you do.

Said his life wasn't worth living.

He said the only thing that kept him going

was the thought that he had the power to end it all

if it all got too much.

He got me to count them out in my hand.

Said he wasn't going to take them, he just wanted to look at them.

But they were just sitting there, in my hand.

He begged me.

All my strength is in you now.

I need you to be strong for me.

Just put them in my mouth.

Closer.

He just kept on and on.

Chris?

Oh, Mrs Bonici?

I'm fine, darling, but will you give me...

A tissue?

No! No, please give me...

A moment alone?

No! Give me Angelo!

I am going to scatter him.

What?

You heard me. He belongs in the air!

-In the wind!

-Are you sure?

Of course. A park is a happy place.

So, from now on,

when I see a dog chasing his tail,

see kids playing on the swings,

see two lovers making love in the bushes,

then I will know. Angelo is here.

MUSIC: "Un Bel Di" from Madame Butterfly by Puccini

TINKLING OF BELLS

He doesn't know what he's saying, he's having some kind of breakdown.

I am not.

His behaviour the past week, it's hardly been rational!

I am telling you the truth. I killed him.

No.

I killed Sam.

Emma!

Please, Jimmi, you must see that he's lying to protect me!

No, I don't, Emma, see that at all.

Look...

Chris came to me with this, he had no reason to lie.

He's told me everything.

All right.

All right, it's true,

but he was under incredible pressure.

You've no idea how manipulative Sam could be!

-I'm sure.

-So, why do you need to report him?

I've already lost my husband. Do I have to lose my son as well?

-And you say Sam was manipulative?

-But why does anyone need to know?

You know Chris, you know he wouldn't hurt a fly!

Yes!

But I'm a doctor, and I'm a police surgeon.

How can I ignore this?

To get a man, you've got to think like a man.

Subtle!

What is it?

It's just beautiful, golden skin.

-I hate needles!

-Guys love it.

You're trying to get me legless, you're lowering my resistance...

She needs to see a doctor NOW!

Sit down or you can just fly off like good little girls.