Golden Girl Doctors

See?

No streaks, no stickiness, no nasty whiff, guaranteed, or your money back.

Look. Don't touch, darling.

She's something else.

Buy one, get one free, one day only.

Get your Jab-A-Tan here. Perfect tan with every shot.

Hey, Saf! Do you a cheeky discount?

Why don't you just go and talk to him, already?

And say what?

Anything. Who cares?

Cheers(!)

How about I do you two packs for the price of one?

That's 40 quid - does that sound good?

Cheers, thank you.

Oh, Saffron! Sorry, that's all for today, folks. Bye!

Who's touchy, then, eh?

Why don't you just put yourself out of your misery and ask him out?

Cos he'll say no. I'll be heartbroken. And humiliated.

And then I'll have to sit in tutorials with him

for the rest of the year.

Anyway, it's you he likes, not me.

Rubbish. You've fancied him for what, months, yeah?

Six months. Four days.

And two hours.

So what are you waiting for?

Quit mooching around and ask him to the gig tonight.

I can't. I'm no good at that stuff.

I'm not like you, Cass.

Well, maybe you should be.

-Hey.

-Hi.

Your friend's a busy little bee.

Cass? Yeah. She's always got something on the go.

You going to the gig tonight?

Oh, yeah, actually I was going to ask if you fancied...

Is your mate going?

Yes, why?

No reason. What were you going to say?

-It doesn't matter.

-OK. See you around, then, yeah?

MUSIC: "Perfect Skin" by Lloyd Cole and the Commotions

This is Jimmi we're talking about, he's inscrutable at the best of times.

There is no way of knowing what he's going to do.

Does it matter?

SHE SIGHS

If he does report...

..what you told him, then you can deny everything.

Except I won't.

What?! But there were no witnesses, no corroboration.

-It would be your word against his.

-I won't deny it, because I told the truth.

Chris, you can't. Please just think this through...

I have done nothing but think about this for months.

I don't care any more.

What's up with him?

Well, if anyone can find out, Karen, I'm sure it's you.

That's you told.

Jimmi, can I have a word, please?

I'm afraid not. Got a pile of stuff to get through.

Karen, can you make sure I'm not disturbed, please?

You might as well strap that straight onto your hips.

Who cares? He's never going to like me anyway.

He's like a proper person and I'm just the elephant girl.

Don't talk yourself down like that.

How would you understand? Everyone fancies you.

Oh, please. You can get any guy you wanted.

I don't want "any guy". Just Ben.

To get a man, you've got to think like a man.

Subtle.

You've got to get inside their heads.

-Mm?

-Mm.

Now, you want to make him feel like he is the only guy in the room.

When he speaks, hang on his every word.

Like he's the most fascinating person you've ever met.

So nod when he talks.

Yeah?

And you need to let him know that you are totally on the same page

and you know exactly where he's coming from.

Do I get to speak at all?

If you must.

But if you do, do it quietly, so he leans in closer.

Now, pout....

Good, work that lip gloss. Eye contact...not too much.

OK, tone it right down, psycho girl.

That's good! You're so pretty when you laugh.

Shut up.

And...for the icing on the cake.

Oh, I don't think so, Cass.

-Look at me, I look OK, yeah?

-Mm-hm.

With a tan, you don't notice the spots, the crow's feet,

the piggy nose. Plus, I look ten pounds lighter when I'm brown.

You do always look great.

Cos I've got a tan, duh! And guys love it.

I hate needles. Can't I just get a spray one?

They're doing a deal at that place on the high street.

Spray tans stink. Everybody knows that.

You think Ben's going to snog someone who smells like an old custard cream? No.

And then there's the streaks,

-and what it does to the sheets. Skid marks.

-No!

But this? Just beautiful, golden skin.

Karen, thank you.

Jimmi.

You can't avoid me for ever.

Apparently not.

I really don't want to put any pressure on you...

Really?

Please, Jimmi.

I haven't made up my mind what I'm going to do yet.

And when I do, you'll be the last person I'll tell. Karen, is anyone at the Campus today?

Al. Why?

I'm going to go and do my paperwork over there. Get some peace and quiet.

I'm not really into opera.

I'm convinced it was Puccini who got me through my finals.

If it wasn't for him, I doubt I'd be standing here today.

Good old Puccini. So, that's at eight, is it?

Yes. What time's the baby-sitter booked for?

Baby-sitter?

-You've forgotten!

-Haven't.

Well, that's good because that Puccini opera fella sounds like a right hoot.

The baby-sitter's booked for 6.30-sharp.

That way I thought we could go for a light bite at that Tuscan restaurant.

Molto bene!

It'll be a wonderful evening.

You, Dr Granger, have not lost your touch.

You want to get a baby-sitter, pronto.

It'll be worth it, wuss.

It will be if I can wear that white dress of yours to the gig.

It won't have worked by then.

It takes a couple of days for the tan to build up.

But the gig's tonight, can't you just give me a double dose or something,

make it work faster?

No, no, strictly one dose a day.

So I'm still going to be pale and Ben's still going to ignore me.

Great(!)

Until you can make it, fake it.

Yeah, I'm aware it's short notice.

OK, thanks anyway.

She's going tear me limb from limb.

Look what I found! I knew they were in there somewhere.

What is it?

That was the baby-sitter, she had to cancel.

You liar. There was no baby-sitter, was there?

-You forgot!

-It's just been so long since you booked it...

I can't believe this. I have been looking forward to this for months, Granger.

-Why don't we go another night?

-We can't, you idiot. This was my one chance to see it, it is sold out!

I could baby-sit if you like?

-That'd be great.

-I don't think so.

-Why not?!

I just don't think it'll be a good idea, that's all.

Joe's easy and it's not like Karen hasn't looked after kids before.

-But that was before...you know.

-Don't mind me.

Do you want to see the damned opera or not?

Well, if you're sure...

I'll come round yours at seven.

-That would be perfect. Thank you.

-Thank you.

HE CHORTLES

So, I was wondering, if you're not busy,

I mean, well if you wanted to, I've got a spare ticket.

Yeah, OK.

So, you'll come?

Sure.

Great!

Text me later?

Er, yeah. No problems.

You look different.

"Good" different?

Yeah, s'pose.

See you later, yeah?

Did you see that? You were right, Cass.

-The tan did it.

-Ah.

-It's so going to happen tonight.

Maybe not in that thing it won't, but I'll lend you something.

Cass, I don't feel so good, my head's splitting.

It's the tension. All those months of pent-up lust finally released!

Jimmi, have you seen Tembe? She's gone AWOL.

-Maybe your T-shirt scared her off.

-It's great, isn't it?

It's colourful.

Well, I'm glad you like it, because...

surprise, surprise! I got you one, too.

PHONE RINGS

-Thank you.

-I thought if you wore it tonight, we'd look like really cool twins.

Er, tonight?

Tonight is the night for The Smuk gig at the Union?

Oh, yeah. I don't really think I can do tonight.

What? Jimmi, you promised me you'd come with me.

Sorry I'm not in the mood, OK?

Give me the T-shirt back. It's the last time I buy you merchandise.

HE SIGHS

How can I help?

My friend needs to see a doctor.

She's got a headache and it's getting worse.

Name and date of birth?

Saffron Archibald. 15/12/94.

Have you got an appointment?

It says "drop in". Do you need one?

Computer says you're not even registered.

You have to be registered before you can just drop in.

-Well, register her, then.

-I'm not the receptionist!

Look, my friend's not well. She needs to see a doctor now!

No, you look. All these people are real patients,

these have been waiting longer than you have.

So you either sit down and wait at the end of the queue,

it'll be about an hour before I can see you,

or you can just fly off me like good little girls. It's up to you.

Come on, Saf. Let's go. He's probably a rubbish doctor anyway!

Yeah, pleased to help you(!)

I can't wait to have a rummage.

It'll be better than Through The Keyhole.

Oh, you wouldn't!

Course not!

Tell me what it's like, eh?

I'll do better than that.

I always imagined them having a pair of them thrones, you know,

like Posh and Becks in leopard print.

Has anyone seen my mum?

You just missed her, good job, too, the mood she was in.

Everybody's been such a grumpy get round here today.

Good job we're so sweet-natured, eh?

Mm-hm!

So I was thinking maybe we could get something to eat later,

you know, after the gig?

-I'd love that.

-There's that new little pizza place on the high street.

-It might mean I miss the last bus home.

-Oh?

I was thinking maybe I could...

It doesn't matter.

You know, you really do have lovely skin, it's kind of glow-y.

Don't go anywhere, promise? I'll be back in a minute.

Reckon you owe me a drink or three.

I need another dose of that tan stuff.

No can do, darling.

But he thinks my skin's "lovely".

Strictly one dose a day, I told you that.

He's dropping major hints about coming back to mine.

So? Take him back to yours, then.

But he'll see I'm not this colour all over, won't he?

The face might be golden brown but the bum's grey white.

Well...turn the lights out, then.

Is that yours?

Oh, wow, mm...

Obviously I'm not a student, but I've got a ticket

so you have to let me in. In fact, I've got two.

Look, dude, Smuk is my all-time favourite band, ever.

I've been following them since I was 13.

I've not missed a gig in 25 years.

Please. This is important to me.

I can't let you in.

Fine. I am kind of a big deal around here.

I'm the University's doctor?

Perfect(!)

Don't lose hope.

You still haven't tried, "Do you know who I am?"

They are literally the next words coming out of my mouth.

SHE WHISPERS

What did you say to him?

It's called charm, Doctor. You should probably try it some time.

Enjoy.

Oh, I intend to.

Five...or is it ten?

So you know where the DVDs are, and there's wine and nibbles in the fridge.

Is it white wine?

To be drunk in moderation.

So, make yourself at home.

Do you mind if my boyfriend comes over?

I do hope you mean Rob.

Yeah. I'm not a slapper.

She didn't mean that.

-Yes, it would be fine if Rob comes. In fact, I'll be much happier if he does.

-Why?

CAR HORN BEEPS

Brilliant! Let's go.

Wait a minute. Here's the contact list.

All the emergency numbers, just in case.

Taxi. Now.

SHE SIGHS

Hiya.

Did you hear, the band's bus has broken down,

they're not going to be on till later. Where's Saf?

She's gone and done a runner. That's what.

No way, she's totally into you. Trust me.

Funny way of showing it, leaving me sat here like an idiot.

I'm sure something will have come up, that's all.

I'll give her a ring.

Saffron?! SAFFRON?!

She's in that one. Open it.

Saffron!

Go and get the big guy in the band T-shirt and specs. He's a doctor.

Who?!

What are you waiting for? Go, get someone now!

Oh, Saffron, what have you done?

You changed your perfume? Are those Zara's shoes.

She said, "Help yourself to anything".

Not that there's anything worth having, look at this.

No wonder she's so flipping skinny!

Capers? What's wrong with a good old-fashioned pickle?

I could murder for a silverskin right now.

Let me have a look.

What have we got?

Sorted, special cheese on toast.

Why "special"?

It's mine.

The first time I made you this would have been maybe our third date

and you said it was the best thing you had ever tasted.

Is that so?

You're going to have to prove it to me all over again.

BABY CRIES

-I'll go.

-OK.

I think she's coming to.

What's she taken?

Just tell me what she's taken.

It's melanin, the tanning stuff.

She must've taken it out of my bag when I wasn't looking.

You won't tell anyone, will you?

It's not exactly legal. She's going to be OK, isn't she?

Stop talking and call an ambulance.

Shall I tell you a little secret about monsters?

All you have to do to make them go away is open your eyes.

It is!

You open your eyes, really wide...

..and everything is OK.

Hm.

What are they doing to her?

They're just checking her over.

Great, they'll be on stage now.

I'd never have let her take it if I thought it was dangerous.

I've been looking forward to this gig for weeks.

So what are you doing here then?

I want to make sure she's all right.

I've never seen anything like this before.

She will be though, won't she? All right?

I don't know.

I need to see her, why won't they let me see her?

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

CHRIS: Mum? Where are you? I've made you dinner.

-Don't wait for me, just eat.

-You're not with Jimmi, are you?

No, I'm with a friend.

Look, I've got to go... I'll see you later.

Mum? Mum?!

Five minutes, that's all I ask.

Pulse is normal. Panic is over.

You do look well rough, though.

Bet I'm still not brown either.

So is she going to be OK?

It was an extreme reaction, but a temporary one.

So you're going to be fine.

No thanks to you.

Don't blame Cass, Doctor.

I took the stuff without her knowing. She told me

not to take any more.

Are you OK?

A bit shaky, and dead embarrassed but apart from that...

Thanks for coming.

I'm glad you're OK.

Me, too.

I'm sorry I spoiled our date.

It doesn't matter.

Maybe we could do something tomorrow instead?

There's that new film on at the Empire.

I heard it's really good.

I'm sorry, Saffron.

Please don't go!

SHE SOBS

It's just a film, yeah?

You know, I've fancied you all year.

The first time I saw you, I thought you were beautiful.

Really?

Yeah, you were so natural. Not like everybody else.

Not like your Barbie doll mate.

Cass? But, I thought it was her you fancied?

Eh? No.

I've wanted to ask you out for months. I kept trying to

but you two are joined at the hip.

Every time I tried, she'd appear. Out of an orange glow.

I thought you were different.

I'm just not into...fakes.

I'm sorry.

I need to know what you intend to do.

I...don't know. I have no idea.

Don't palm me off, I'm not an idiot.

I'm not.

This is all I have thought about every hour, every minute,

since... Don't you understand?

I need to know.

Or you're going to do what?

Accuse me of misconduct? You've already done that, remember?

No, look, I'm sorry, Jimmi. You're right, I shouldn't have said that.

But I will get Chris any kind of help,

but I need you to promise me that you won't report it.

I didn't want this. I didn't want any of this.

I know, and I am sorry.

All I'm trying to do is protect my son.

I can't lose him.

He's all I've got.

HE SIGHS

Everyone uses it in Marbs.

Yeah, that's cos they're idiots.

I saw a gap in the market here.

How very enterprising of you(!)

I had no idea that was going to happen to Saffron.

If I'd known, I would have never...

I can just about understand why you took it. Girls will do ridiculous

things when it comes to vanity, but for you to be selling it?

I needed the money.

That badly?

What for?

To pay for this.

HE LAUGHS

You going to get a nose job?

It's not just any old nose, Doc. It's called the "Angelina".

It's gorgeous!

I've got £700 to go to make the deposit.

But there's nothing wrong with the nose you've got.

Don't be polite, Doctor, it so doesn't suit you.

I know how...ugly it is. I mean, it's positively piggy from the side, see?

No, I can't see.

Because I'm brown, you don't notice it as much.

It blurs it all out, all you notice is my lovely tan.

It's why I started taking the melanin in the first place.

So you're going to inject yourself with this poison

and put yourself through major surgery, and all for what?

It's for nothing!

You don't realise how good you've got it.

All right. Come with me.

Come on!

I want you to take a good look at yourself.

I'm really not that keen on mirrors, Doc.

Stop being mad and take an honest look at yourself.

-No, I'd rather not.

-Open your eyes!

Yeah.

The only ugly thing we've got here

is whatever it is going on up here.

You see?

SHE SOBS

No way, you can't!

Oh, so what? If they'd provided some decent grub.

I told you, I'll make you that cheese on toast.

Will you shut up about the flipping cheese on toast?

What do you want on?

Erm...something old.

Have a go.

MUSIC: "Don't You (Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds

Is that good or what?

It's a lovely colour, as well.

It's like Kryptonite!

Or something else?

MUSIC: "Lovin' You" by Minnie Riperton

I love this one! Come on!

I don't know, Karen. What if the little fella...?

Sh! Come on, dance with me.

Oh!

SHE SIGHS

# Lovin' you

# Is easy cos you're beautiful... #

Thanks.

I keep thinking that I'll wake up.

I'll open my eyes and all this will be gone.

But it won't, will it?

I lost Sam and...now I'm going to lose Chris.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi, mate, is my mum here?

Yeah.

I thought you'd be here.

Look, I'm just here because...

Your mum just wants to talk.

It's time that I took some responsibility.

I'm going to go to the police station tomorrow

and I'm going to hand myself in.

MUSIC: "Addicted To Love" by Robert Palmer

Don't get too drunk!

Too late. That green stuff is lethal.

Don't think I don't know your game.

What's that then?

You are trying to get me legless, you are lowering my resistance.

Does it need lowering?

Why don't you try me?

That is a bit weird.

You keeping your eyes open.

"Open your eyes, and everything'll be OK." That was what you said.

It will, won't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, it will.

THEY LAUGH

It was simply stunning!

And that coloratura in the second...

MUSIC: "Walking On Sunshine" by Katrina & The Waves

SHE GASPS

-I saw you this morning.

-I've got new neighbours.

This couple turn up out of nowhere.

They're escorted to their house by coppers.

You can't tell me that's normal.

It's none of your business!

What happened to the boy? What did you do to him?

Get out!

We look after our neighbours around here

and we don't want your sort living on our doorstep.

SHE SCREAMS